


A Seam Within the Galaxy

by jedipowerbitch



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Legends: Last of The Jedi Series - Jude Watson, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Ben Solo - Freeform, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Ben Solo is a Mess, Dominant Kylo Ren, Emotional, Emotional Sex, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Enemies to Lovers, Eventual Smut, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Feels, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Force-Sensitive Reader, Forced Orgasm, Han Solo - Freeform, Hate Sex, I don’t know shit about army ranks, I miss Ben Solo dude, I'm Sorry, Is Commander and Commandant the same thing?, It sounds SPICY I like it, I’m gonna roll with it roll along with me, Kylo Ren - Freeform, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, Kylo Ren is Not Nice, Kyloxreader - Freeform, Leia organa - Freeform, Luke Skywalker - Freeform, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Possessive Kylo Ren, Post-Star Wars: The Last Jedi, Rough Body Play, Rough Sex, Semi-Public Sex, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn, Smut, Soft Kylo Ren, Star Wars - Freeform, Supreme Leader Kylo Ren, a lotttt of sexual tension, force sensitive, like super slow, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-02
Updated: 2021-02-25
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:46:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 31
Words: 294,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23441929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jedipowerbitch/pseuds/jedipowerbitch
Summary: “Out of every being in the galaxy, you and I are the worst pair to become linked together as one.” I fume breathlessly as I grow emotional and tired, lying out of complete anger as tears start to line my eyes from frustration. I scramble to my feet, sliding my back against the padded wall behind me, infuriated that I felt such an intense pull toward someone who didn’t always bother to try and see from my point of view. I know he can tell I am lying, but he inflames me by taking the opposite route as he chooses to answer.“I couldn’t agree more.”~~~Major Margot Arkin is a well known, high-ranking stormtrooper trainer within the First Order. She has been severely injured in battle, returning to the Death Star feeling useless for the first time in her life. That is when the Commander of the First Order, Kylo Ren, comes into the picture. Here they discover similarities between them unlike anything they've ever understood.Read! Find out what is going on! I promise it'll ruin your life at some point, ;-) (I update about once every 2 to 3 weeks!) (Don’t make fun of me if things aren’t correct, I know nothing about army ranks and I tried my best lmao.)
Relationships: Kylo Ren & You, Kylo Ren/Other(s), Kylo Ren/Reader, Kylo Ren/You
Comments: 73
Kudos: 129





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!! Please let me know what you think of the chapter; this is the first time in around five years I've submitted my own story online! I'm excited to talk to whoever reads this and get feedback on it! I think this will be a lot of fun.  
> *** comments are welcome! Let me know your thoughts on the story.

My eyes squinted open to harsh lighting and the clammer of people whirring past me at what seemed to be lightspeed. Memories trickle back to me the harder I stamp my consciousness into the present—I was returned to the Death Star, in the medical wing to be exact. Upon realization of my whereabouts, I balled my fists in anger and slammed them down onto the gurney I was being transported on. "IF SOMEONE DOESN'T GET ME ON THE NEXT RIDE BACK TO—"

"What you  _ need _ to do is stop thrashing. You canno—'' I took a fist full of this poor boy's collar, clenching it tightly and reeling him in closer to me, our noses nearly touching. " _ You need  _ to reevaluate who I am, and give it another go." I passed through my teeth. This kid was shaking like a leaf; from around us I could see that the med center was over it's capacity with resistance fighters who were flown in, wounded from battle. I sat up a bit, noticing my left leg was messily covered in scarlet soaked bandages, blood seeping through the cracks.

As I craned my neck to sit up, a sharp pain spread across my rib cage the longer I stayed in the position. I wheezed, slamming back down onto the bed and groaning. I assumed it was broken. I fell further into my pool of frustration the further we made our way into the sea of people, putting distance between myself and where I needed to be.

"I'm s-so sorry Major... Major, uh-" the boy stammered, unable to recall my name, maybe not the brightest star in the sky. No older than 17 I assumed; A kid, a kid bandaging up the wounded in the med center. I could not ascertain if he always had a stutter, or if I was just making him nervous.

Stepping back into my senses, a smidge, I waved my hand dismissively and motioned to my leg. I understood I was wounded, from my right knee down had steadily grown numb, and I genuinely couldn't remember the sequence of everything that had gone down on Exodeen. All I did know was that I felt weak, and I  _ loathed _ the feeling. I grit my teeth as we came to an abrupt stop in a small, but private room. My head lolled around on my shoulders, feeling much heavier than it usually did.

"Why hasn't this major received blood yet?" A short, tanned nurse yelled out. Med staff in a team of three stormed out of the room and I stifled a laugh at their eagerness. Quick sets of hands went to work on the underside of my leg where it had been slashed by the electric current of an electro staff, the incident slowly coming back to me the more I felt the palpitations from the wound.

I winced and turned my head the opposite way, desperately focusing on the details of the ceiling, keeping away the thought of hot sticky blood seeping into the bed sheets below.

I started to feel a bit woozy as Chief of staff, presumably, walked through the door with a worried expression staining his face, not the kind of look I had anticipated. My blood rolls to a simmer, but I focused on my breathing and awaited any form of good news that could possibly come my way.

Two women helped shift me to lay onto my stomach on the bed so they could get to work on the back of my leg. I writhed with pain as my ribcage rested on the cushioned bed, my body weight pressing directly onto it. I curled my toes with anticipation, waiting for the ache to be numbed by whatever they'd give me.

"Major Arkin, your wound seems to be pretty deep.  _ But _ , nothing we haven't seen." Like clockwork, a frazzled nurse came in with an IV, running alongside of me to hook it into my wrist. She stands beside my shoulder, her fingers kept busy as she flicks the bag full of fluids, adjusting the tube so the drug would be administered seamlessly. Her eyes do not find my own, it seems as if she's looking everywhere else but at me. "My main cause of concern is the area in which you were slashed. The weapon has sliced through some major ligaments and nerves." This was lost on me, as much as I knew I wouldn't be sent back on the next fighter to Exodeen, I didn't want to hear it—that's what would make it real, something I couldn't ignore. Once I accepted it, there was nothing to be done to change it.

"When can I leave?" I asked flatly, fixing my eyes on the wall before me, wishing to view beyond it, in a different star system, peeking into a room that wasn't this one. Maybe one where I wasn't down for the count. I earned a sigh from this man; probably mid forties, maybe older. The somber look on his face made it difficult to discern an accurate age.

"Not any time soon, Major. There is no kind of fight that would be feasible on that leg, in your condition."

A steady warmth grew in the pit of my stomach, stretching up my torso and pooling into my chest, clouding my senses as well as all willingness to respond in an aptly manner. The wheels on the hospital-grade bed I was laying in started to squeak against the tiled floor below, as my arms tremble at my sides. "You patch me up like your life depends on it—lest I make it your reality.” I gasped, the words spilling from my lips, when they should have been left to die on my tongue.

The doctor shook his head at me, almost like a disapproving father when they have heard their insolent child utter something disrespectful. He did not seem intimidated by me for even the shortest second, my stomach dipping down and sinking to new depths at my own actions.

"That temper serves you no good here,  _ Margot _ . You are lucky, compared to your fallen students, to walk away from this with your life." He directed toward me, sternly. He takes a good moment to hold my gaze before turning on his heel to pass through the doors. My mouth grows dry as I sit in the aftermath of my attitude, unable to leave as I would have in any other situation. The walls around me almost felt like they were closing in—I suppose this was my own form of atonement, having nothing else to do but sit and stew, lamenting over my poor choice in wording, cursing my temper.

I was certain I could feel my blood go cold in embarrassment. Letting my shoulders slump, I relaxed my jaw for good once recognizing the taste of blood mixing with the saliva in my mouth. It was all too quiet in the small room that myself, and five other medical staff were occupying. It felt too surreal, being in my condition in this room while chaos ensued outside, as well as on the battlefield of Exodeen a handful of parsecs away.

I wanted to know the face of whoever had struck me down so carelessly, instead of doing the job right and killing me when they had the chance. Whoever wounded me did not want me dead, they wanted me to  _ hurt _ . I wanted so badly to know what kind of sounds they would make if I clamped down on their neck, squeezing the life out of them. Most trader's faces could fall flush with color in under a minute and a half, give or take. I wanted,  _ needed _ to see how quickly my enemy's face could turn a deep blue, deeper than the depths of any sea.

For a moment I thought about some of my students that trained under me. Even though I had made it a personal goal not to become too close to them, I  _ did _ . During our time on Exodeen I had seen many fall wounded, or slain by the hands of those who refuse to accept the First Order; It was lofty not to become choked up when musing toward how many more have fallen in my absence. Was there anyone looking for me? Were the ones that carried me to the ship still alive? Why am I still alive, while so many have  _ died  _ for me?

Amidst a few tears that welled onto my waterline, I placed a hand on the shoulder of the boy from earlier, who I had scared half to death. He was wrapping up my abdomen and rib cage with a thick Bacta-material. I lean to my opposite side, giving him more space to work with. Timidly, his hand forms flatter against my skin, in a way, less afraid than before to lend me a helping hand. "Thank you." I mentioned lightly, earning a nod from him. I had no strife with the boy, no true reason to have treated him so poorly as soon as I had awoken. There was no use for anger, not when I had just been supplied with an ample amount of down time, more than I would ever be comfortable with. 

As badly as I wished to the maker that some kind of divine power could overcome me, healing me of my injuries to grant me permission to fight on, it wasn't achievable. I would have to wait this out, as many before me have. Getting better meant that I needed to keep focus, and stick to a routine, to ensure there would be no possible chance of being perceived as weak, debilitated or  _ nonessential. _ To avoid circling the drain, the best course of action would be to put my best efforts to use, spending my time wisely as I healed.

This was all completely achievable—nothing could stand in my way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I'm excited to share this story with the internet, I've been wanting to write about this for quite some time now!
> 
> ***edit:  
> wow, god. I'm doing an edit sweep of the earlier chapters of this fic, and my overall writing/style has changed drastically from April of 2020 to February of 2021! Bare with me, I promise it gets better, lmao.


	2. Chapter 2

Over the course of a week, I had become so well aware of the medical wing and it's staff that I could easily trade in my title, and stitch up the wounded until I die of old age. I found that the more I helped out, the better I felt; better toward mending the wounded they were sending back in hordes _dozens_ of times each day. The pain in my leg subsided somewhat, all praise to the medication, but the limp remained whenever I tested out walking on it. As for my ribcage, I had fractured two of them, nearly splitting a third in half. The pulsating ache coming from within struck me with nausea if I twiddled my thumbs for too long, so I made the most of my time helping where I was able to. It was that, or succumb to the imminent madness all of this pain would surely drive me to, if I gave it some time. I was puzzled by the fact that a Major training officer couldn't get her hands on some decent numbing medication, I made a mental note to push onward with this the next time I came in contact with the Chief of Staff.

After a few days of bed rest in the med wing, I was cleared to give walking a go as long as I had a cane nearby, and took breaks after standing on my feet " _for no longer than thirty minutes_ " as Chief of Surgery had mentioned. _Most_ of the time I do right by him, sitting down and giving my leg a rest as instructed.

I find myself getting so wrapped up with the wounded, I don't know how these doctors and nurses do accomplish this kind of work all throughout the day, and well into the night. Although they have the help of several droids, BB-units, as well as surgical droids, everyone around me seemed to scramble at the amount of work there was to be done.

It was vastly difficult to stitch these troopers up, or try to cover gashes in hopes to halt the bleeding as they often cried out in pain. It was even more difficult when I came into contact with the students that had trained beneath me; I got to help some, and others I observed flatline before we could help them. Many came in with limbs hanging on by a few ligaments, similar to rubber bands stretching out beyond their capacity. Some were even brought in missing multiple limbs, but still able to make miraculous recoveries. I wondered how awful they felt, chancing the fact whether or not they would still have a purpose, or some way to serve the First Order, despite such grave injuries. I felt the same way, to some extent, wondering what good I could do with a limp, _possibly_ permanent, and fractured ribs. As often as I thought about this, it also lit a fire beneath me to work as diligently as possible to ward off negativity, although it was not an easy task.

I also felt disdain toward those who were subjects in stories told amongst medical staff and other troopers—mentionings of those who had retreated in _fear_. Those who were not strong enough to _die_ for this cause; people who were never meant to shoulder to shoulder in any fleet the First Order had rallied together. I had heard talk of storm troopers eliminating their own they found to be traderous, or cowardly. Some had even taken their own life in fear of being slain by the enemy; I couldn't ever put myself in their shoes, unable to imagine feeling so gutless while serving under our cause.

Observing death on the battlefield was one thing—it had the capacity to be swift and just, appearing before your eyes like nothing you had ever experienced, giving you no amount of time to adjust. What filled the medical wing was a different kind of adjustment that nobody had ever prepared me for. I had seen loss, I had helped those who had fallen near me in battle, but _tending_ to them, _fighting_ not with them, but _for_ them changed the way I looked at it completely. There were so many occupying the Death Star, and yet, it never felt as if we had enough medical staff to tend to the masses that were continuously brought to us.

Seeing students I had known for years come in to what seemed to be endlessly was taking a toll on me. I could not bear the thought of meandering around the ship, waiting for all of this to subside. If I wasn't able to fight, or teach, I had no other sector of my base to reside.

Needing a break from the frenzy, I slumped down on one of the many chair lining the walls of the hallway, taking a quick moment to myself to catch my breath. Today, I had been helping out for around two hours, genuinely forgetting about giving myself breaks in between throwing stitches, packing wounds, and taking account of which of my students were dead, recovering, or had not been returned back to base.

The past seven days I had spent in the medical wing had made me _weak_. I was almost equally disgusted with myself as I was emotional over the wounded I tended to. Forever working with tears in my eyes, never letting myself become dastardly enough to let them roll down my cheeks. I wouldn't ever shame myself for growing emotional in general, as it was a response I so commonly exhibited alongside of other emotions—fear, joy, sadness—I only grew shameful, and a bit embarrassed as I found myself grinding down the urge to weep alongside trained professionals that kept themselves together so solidly. To me, a trained fighter, I felt out of my element, unable to keep up with the mental stability those around me seemed to have.

I often had a hard time collecting myself as the sobs I'd push down turned into soft wheezes, my chest expanding and my ribs panging with a sharp ache. Many a time I would burst out into fits of anger as we had lost trooper after trooper; it was difficult to talk to someone I knew one day, and report to the med center the next to find that they had died throughout the night. I was starting to feel as if I was never going to view fighting the same way—it almost seemed, dare I say, unnecessary, after witnessing the end result of carnage that was so often delivered to medical staff, on an hourly basis, with no relief.

I sob thinking over the day, the grief too heavy to deflect as I sat by my lonesome. I finally let it wrack through me, slouching the shoulders I had only attempted to stand tall with while faced with such mighty tasks. The quiet sobs turn mangled coughs, my throat drier beyond belief. It wasn't routine of me to openly show my sadness in this way—the last week had been such a blow for base, almost everyone occupying the Death Star had lost someone within battle, or was too swept up in dealing with the aftermath to dwindle on the dealings of matters that were not immediate. The mere thought of this did not help how easily I swayed from overall emotional, to just downright embarrassing.

I rubbed my eyes, rising to my feet and pushing through the door to my side, leading to a private medical supply room. I plunged into the dark without a care, thankful to find a quiet room amongst the clamor just outside. Thin strips of light shone through the small window, illuminating the sink I then darted for. I took handfuls of water to my mouth; between the sobs and gulping down as much water as I could handle, I tried my best to focus on one or the other, such a laborious task at the time. Turning off the faucet, I let my legs give out a bit as I leaned into the countertop, steadying my sobs as water dribbled down my chin. I rubbed my eyes with the palms of my hands, amidst the shaking, blowing out a cool breath of air, the silence surrounding me almost deafening. I let my head hang low for a brief moment, placing a warm hand on my ribcage and rubbing it ever so slightly, wincing at how tender it could be, even against the slightest of touches. I ponder the thought of possibly making use of the quiet, resting a bit longer than thirty minutes. I rub my brow and sigh as guilt chips away at my idea, when I knew well enough of the work that needed to be done, as some fighters _still_ littered the hallways, in need of assistance. 

"You believe you're fit to be helping medical staff?" A voice questioned from the back of the room. I yelp in anger, slapping my hand over my heart in a pang of panic, my body startled so badly as I had only believed to have been alone in such a cramped room. Whatever fear I harboured was short lived, quickly developing into rage, wondering what kind of insolent, insubordinate _fuck_ had dared to speak to me in such a manner, staying quiet until now.

My breathing ramped up as I swiveled around, my skin tightening as its poked and prodded at against my ribs. The pain I felt in that moment would usually double me over, impairing me. Only this time, I reveled in the pain, using it to my advantage as it pushed me forth, continuing to fuel my irascibility.

I heaved frantically toward the lightswitch on the wall; I had been so distraught with sadness and sorrow for the week to last a lifetime. The thought of viscerally tearing into someone and subjecting them to the storm that was brewing within me almost excited me so much, I was nearing arousal. With the flick of my wrist the room lit up, revealing my contender that once hid within the shadows, now illuminated.

"It would be in your best interest to reconsider the thoughts flooding your mind." He said, a smile almost creeping onto his face, but not letting himself show too much of the enjoyment this interaction surely brought him. He knew that I didn't know who he was in the dark, but as soon as the light shed upon him he was untouchable.

Commander of the First Order, Kylo Ren.

My mind instantly crashed, alarms sounding off and echoing within the deadened space. I repositioned my jaw that had nearly unhinged from my lack of unawareness and shock, unable to recall a time I had ever been graced with his presence, especially as private as this.

I had only ever seen him from afar while he adorned his helmet; I had never gotten to meet him, I had only heard stories of what he was like, and the things he has done. The power he exuded, and the stoicity that he never let falter, that is, if there ever was a time he wasn't being so stoic.

"That's enough judgement." He quipped, nearing the edge of irritation, his eyes falling and scanning the walls tediously. He had lost the smug grin he once wore when witnessing my complete shock. As he had, seemingly, read my mind, it had vanished.

So much of this week, today as well, my mind had displayed a flurry of emotions. Anger, to fear, to sorrow, then listlessness. Now I stared at this man, lost in his gaze, all kinds of different emotions whirring within my entire body. I felt nauseous and weak, my mind lost within the storm of inner afflictions I could not tame. I did not threaten to move an inch, only my body trembling slightly without my control, my eyes blinking rapidly as I tried to grab a hold of something useful my mind could produce. _Nothing_. I was physically unable to pilot my own body. Unable to remember that I _did_ indeed hold some kind of power, due to my rank. All of that was lost on me, within reaching distance of the Commander. The _force_ user.

"Go ahead and speak, Major." He stated simply from across the room. I nodded, abruptly feeling some sort of pull forward, out of the whirlwind of thoughts and feelings I had been held captive to. With my mind so suddenly cleared, I had the capability to form words _almost_ within my sights.

"Y-yes sir- mm, yes _Commander_." I stammered pathetically, quite literally _feeling_ the effects a man like him exuded, like the capability he held could roll off of his shoulders to pulse outward in waves. All I'd have to do was reach out to _feel_ it, so tangible even from a few feet away. I thought back on the stuttering boy that helped carry me back to base a week ago... yet, I anticipate this interaction with the Commander to be much more embarrassing and pitiful to look back on in the future.

I finally took a step forward, no longer cemented in my spot by the sink, feeling his undeniable pull, one he didn't seem to be controlling. So _that_ was how it felt, to be within the same room as a force user. I had hear many stories, even reading a few books if I ever got my hands on them within the libraries of different planets I had visited. Nothing I had ever read mentioned of such divine strength that seemed to buzz within the air, so dense, it felt as if I were taking it in within every breath full. 

My eyes avert to the fair amount of damage he had taken, from his time Exodeen. I inspect from afar, unable to recall seeing him there, too busy with my own agenda, I suppose.

He was sitting on one of the risen tables, very obviously in pain, but doing a good job at not bringing any of his attention to it. He was sat at an awkward angle, his back curved and he slumped, supporting his torso with an arm extended beside him. Both arms and legs had tears and singes throughout his clothing, dirtied skin peeking through the slivers here and there. Although he was clothed in black, just how much of the blood that had soaked into his clothing was still noticeable.

Looking more observantly, he also adorned a large cut from his temple clear down to his jaw line, trailing a little ways down his neck. It was definitely new, but it was one that he must have received a few days prior. It was surreal to have heard so much about him, from the likes of many different people, to then see him wounded, and sitting by himself in the dark.

"Are you here to help, or to stare?" He badgered, snapping me out of my thoughts yet again with great force.

"I didn't come here for _you_ to begin with." I snapped, my fists balling into tight wads at my sides. Beakers and bottles in the tall cabinets lining the walls began to shake, clinking together within their cases. The Commander looked about as confused as he did angry, shifting his gaze from me to the cabinets just as soon as I eased the tension in my knuckles, fanning my fingers out quickly. He raised his hand outward the slightest bit, within seconds my body unwillingly transported across the room and halted a mere foot away from his seat on the table.

"What was that?" He ordered, fascination coated in anger as he peered down upon me. It didn’t matter what kind of title I held within the Order, his still towered over mine. I squinted, wondering if I was going mad, or if I was just plain stupid.

I looked at him questioningly as he had no taken this—whatever this was—lightly. Anger sept deeper into his expression the longer shook in front of him, snapping his head toward the cabinets.

"I know for certain that was not me."

I let out a shallow chuckle at his certainty. "How much blood have you lost, Commander?" I asked, stifling a nervous laugh as my eyes panned toward his wounds. I hadn't meant it as a joke, but it was certainly taken as such, noticing the swift embrace of the force tightening around my body, putting much more of a strain on my windpipe. I attempt to gulp down my fear, but my airways had become far too constricted

Then growing panicked that these were my final few moments of life, I searched his face for some kind of emotion, other than anger and wonderment, failing to find anything. I was unsure if any of this constituted such a reaction from him. It _did_ confirm the fame of his anger, and how difficult it was _not_ to tread onto his bad side. I feel my eyes begin to pulsate within their sockets as they dart across his face. His wonderment still grows, searching my face, the slight upturn of his brow telling me he was finding more to this than I had understood. That, or I was becoming delirious from lack of oxygen.

His hand closed not long after pondering my demise, my body falling relaxed as I filled my lungs with air. I watched as he craned his neck to look through the slitted blinds and into the hallway outside, observing the sprinting, or the limping passerbys. I bit back the urge to give away the full extent of my exhaustion, feeling as if I had run a lap around the entirety of base. As quickly as I notice it, it vanishes, the smallest of pulls within my mind, like he had stolen a glance to only retreat promptly afterward. My ears pick up on the hardly audible scoff the Commander let out from his seat, shaking his head to himself.

"Yes, I can help you." I exhaled in relief and rubbed my neck hastily, stunned to be alive, thankful he had moved on from whatever had angered him so.

His head turns to look down upon me, his eyes flickering back and forth, caught between my own. He held my gaze for a moment as I daringly stared back, willing to bet not many ever had the chance to be within such close quarters with him.

As terrifying as it was to defy all judgement, just to drink him in, somehow I pushed through and did so, regardless. His eyes were such a deep brown that you could hardly differentiate between pupil and iris as his dark lashes covered them. Very pale skinned, his face dotted with small beauty marks and freckles. His nose was one of the most defining, prominent aspects to notice about him—that, or maybe how steeled his jaw was, probably as sharp as it is from his constant brooding, gritting down on his teeth when he wasn't working his force magic, I'm sure.

Most of his identity hid behind his disheveled and dirty black hair, soaked in blood and coated in a layer of dust and soot. My eyes fall to his lips as they twitch, most likely in anger, surprise, surprise. They remained pink and plump, a pair that I easily envied compared to my own. It was far too easy to stare at those pillowy mounds flesh, wondering how it would feel to have them for yourself, to get to touch them. Were they ever put to use? Were they shielded behind that mask of his? Or were they only mere gates that parted to let commands and snide comments through?

I could no longer fight the feeling, or deny it any longer, but the longer I laid my eyes upon him, the more my interest for him peaked. Some kind of remarkable heat had been cast over my body, settling within my chest as I studied him. Or maybe it had been his own heat, miraculously warming me to no end? As he was a force user, I was willing and able to write off the extraordinary within his presence. I bashfully ignored the thought, trying to shove my mind past him.

The very thought of being one of few that had been graced by his unique expression, behind the mask, circles my mind as soon as it pops in. Heat flashes across another region of my body, which _usually_ wasn't provoked by another person without my say-so.

Once I felt the intensity of this heat building up, I immediately thought of anything else, urgently pushing the cursed thought into the furthest corner of my mind, hoping with all my might it was too quick of a thought for him to pick up on. The sheer embarrassment that flooded my mind was too loud for him not to hear, as it was so foreign for me to have these feelings of curiosity toward him that were just beginning to bud within me.

"You were crying. When you first came in here." He said flatly, his voice having grown a bit lower as his expressions softened. As quickly as I started to feel my insides flutter, a pang of annoyance casts over me. My emotions felt _so_ dictated by him, afraid one moment, concerned the next, then to only become intrigued. Was this the makings of his strength within the force, or did his personality just have that kind of effect on others?

"I've helped out in the Med Bay since returning from Exodeen, since I cannot do much else." I fronted as I motioned to my leg, running a gentle hand across my ribcage. His expressionless face doesn't falter as his eyes glint toward my injuries, but I turn to rummage through the nearest drawer, in search of something to stitch up whatever gash needed immediate attention. He stays quiet as I set aside sanitary napkins, needles and thread, as well as a glass jar of disinfectant.

I lay everything out, opening up the packaging to the sterilized needle and thread. I wasn't the _greatest_ at suturing, but I felt that he wouldn't appreciate wasting even more of his time if I left and found someone better. Shaky hands grip the needle, making meager attempts at forcing the thread through the opening. My hands have grown clammy, the thread sticking to my palm as I struggle to roll the material thin enough to pass through such a small opening. I huff, squinting and speeding my motions as I know time is of the essence. 

"Gods." I mention as I jump the slightest bit, having pricked my finger. "Give me a moment." I warn him with the steadiest voice I could manage, hiding away my fear of the situation, fear of disappointing, angering, or upsetting him in any way. My hands shake the thread far too much to pass it through, I do not turn my head over my shoulder to look at him, dreading what he might say in return. I even raise my right shoulder in an attempt to hide how awfully I was going about this. No Med wing would have me if I had _actually_ wanted to switch job titles, I'm sure.

_Hmm._

Stunned by the deepened voice, echoing off the walls of my mind that was _not_ my own, the glass bottle of disinfectant to my side to flicked off of the counter as I had startled. To my amazement, I watch as the bottle sinks into a halted position within the air, right by my side as the Commander's hand is not too far off. Only then does he choose to slide off of the table, leaning his tall frame down to pluck the jar out of the air, slamming it back down onto the counter from where it once came. I shudder, the anger radiating off of him palpable and impossible to ignore. I didn't dare turn to face him.

"Now I see." He says lowly, moving in closer to my side as I placed a hand on the countertop to steady myself. " _You're_ the spy."

My frown deepens, eyes darting around before the cabinets before me. "What? No! I'm not— _spy_?" I faltered, my words trembling as they passed my lips. My thoughts raced so frantically, it was difficult to reach out and grab them in order to form a sentence worth saving my fucking life.

"What were you planning, exactly?" He questioned through his teeth, looming over my shoulder as he pressed into me.

"I'm not looking for—I don't know who you think—I'm no spy!" I stammered, shaking under him like a leaf. He had me wrong, but I didn't think he understood the situation anymore than I did. I was wrecked with fear, unable to sort through what had happened. _How_ I had hear him, plain as day. I felt like a child that was awaiting a sinister punishment. This kind of fear hadn't even been instilled within me, not even when I fought on the battlefield, willing to die for this cause.

"Enough." He shot out. I feel that similar pull out of my storm of a thought system once again, facing me front and center toward the problem at hand.

Leaning down and stretching his head closer to mine, he forcefully jerked my entire body toward him with the invisible power of the force, our bodies facing each other head on. Feeling my own muscles betray me as my head slowly tilted upward, giving me nowhere else to look but into his eyes, which bored into mine.   
The force was released from me, but his gaze held enough strength to keep me fearful of moving an inch.

My knees gave out a little as my body riddled with anger, confusion, but mostly fright. The bottles in the cabinets surrounding us once again clinked together as if the entire ship was falling apart. Disregarding that, he did not break his stare, mouth agape and breathing heavily. He searched my face for something I was unsure of, afraid of what he might do if he doesn't find what he's looking for.

I bit down hard on my quivering lip, pressing my eyes shut tight and quaking with fear as I let out short, shallow breaths. The heat radiating from him could melt right through me, I was so sure of it.

_Can you hear me?_

I cried out, covering my mouth with both hands as I stumbled away from him, hearing him bore into my mind without a word ever leaving his lips.   
These were the first words I was able to hear from him. Clear as day. My head aches as I frown deeper, unable to tear my sights off of him, awaiting his next move, as if I had a chance to deflect it.

He slowly straightens out, his eyes still glued to mine, growing larger and larger with fascination. His head cocks to the side as he turns to face me better.

_Answer me._

I winced as he sent his message through to me, my eyes stinging with tears as I choked back on a sob that I wouldn't dare let out in front of him.

From there, to my amazement, I understood how to proceed, unsure how it was even possible. There's another intrusion within my mind, cleared by him as he simply stands, waiting for my response. Looking inward, the only aspect I could notice was a glow, alarming me to pay attention to nothing but itself, enthralling and alluring. If I willed myself hard enough, I didn't feel panic, I didn't feel pain. There it was, so clear, so obvious what I had to do next, like the option to do so was there for me to act on for my entire life.

_Yes, I can._

The room grew silent except for my wheezing once I had reached out. The clammer of glass rattling had come to a complete stop as soon as I projected my thought.

The Commander looked me up and down, noticing the slightest shake of his head as his brow pinched together. I could see him try to form words, but deny any of them the chance to be vocalized. The tension within the room had formed like a thick cloud, all encompassing as it blanketed me completely. 

His eyes frantically searched all over me as his hand slowly slid up his leg to his saber attached at the hip. I heaved with fear, completely unable to form any coherent words, only weakened sounds as my plea. My mind began to race faster than I could keep up with. The Commander of such malice stood before me, his fingers curling around his saber, not yet releasing it from the holster on his belt. I awaited the red glow, knowing for sure it would be the last thing I would see before my certain death.

His breathing pattern grew even faster, and more audible as he studied me. He almost looked as if he were trying to find the right words to say within all of his hatred, but was coming up short.

I raised a hand in front of me, turning my head and finally finding the strength to tear away his gaze. If he was going to kill me, I couldn't bear to watch how his face grew with this newfound animosity toward me.

Hot tears continued to cloud my eyes and blur my vision. My hand wobbled in front of me as my best defense against the entirety of his rage, as well as his many skills as a force user.

"Get out."

I slowly turned my head to look at him, my hand staying outright in front of me. "What?" I convulsed. He took his hand off of his saber, dropping his head and pinching the bridge of his nose with his fingers, then trailing his fingers through his hair to slick it off of his face. He sighed deeply, breath shaking ever so slightly. 

I stammer the beginnings of a response, lowering my hand. I jumped as yells out his frustration, raising his hand at the exact time the door next to me slides open. He doesn't bother to look up at me before he flicks his wrist dismissively, gliding me on my heels, sending me through the doorway and into the hallway.

The slam of the door echoes behind me and down the hallway as I came to a halt, some around me stopping to catch a glimpse. I stood for a moment, trembling and coming to terms with how lucky I was to, forcibly, leave that room with my life.

I grit my teeth, turning on my heel and beginning to mow through the crowds. I couldn't believe how _emptied_ I felt. The wound on my leg throbbed with a pain that was similar to the tune of my boots clicking on the tiled floor.

My heart thumped hard in my chest, but I kept my eyes forward and continued to make my way down the halls. I felt whatever energy I had left within me drain as soon as the entry to my quarters was insight.

My fists balled in an effort to lessen my shaking, as well as ignoring those staring and gossiping amongst friends; my hair a mess and my blood stained clothes invited that in.

My door slid open once I was recognized, sealing shut behind me once I entered. In no time I kicked off my boots, wincing as I slid out of my pants and unbuttoned my shirt all at once. Once again, my mind was littered with my own thoughts and emotions.

My head pained as I desperately tried sifting through it for something of use to me. It was such a rush to have all these thoughts swirling around my head, unable to catch any of them. At the same time, I felt lethargic, as if someone had plugged me in and ran me all day, ceasing to give me a break. Now I was at a low battery, my vision even tuning out the less I focused on it.

I felt like a mix of bewilderment and irritation, those two were the only emotions that could stick around, switching back and forth incessantly. What had just happened with my Commander was... _beyond_ my understanding.

And yet? I felt like crying; my heart had been shattered in some way I could not yet perceive. At the same time, I was so distraught with anger that I could skin Kylo Ren alive for how he was making me feel. _He_ did this to me, causing this affliction. What kind of commander is that?

I ripped off my gloves that were now ruined, hurling them at the wall in front of me and rubbing my eyes over and over until I saw stars. I didn't know what to think of the situation I was just in, my mind had never been so troubled with these feelings until I had laid eyes on Kylo Ren.

My mind felt like a raw piece of meat, rotting in the sun. My thoughts were like the bugs that crawled all over it, gnawing and chewing it to shreds and leaving no trace of it behind.

I roused around the room, never having felt so out of control of my own thoughts, of _myself_ until now.

I hastily grabbed my desk to steady myself as I let out a long, laborious scream that I was certain had been trapped in my throat for all of my life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I hope everyone is enjoying so far, this chapter gets much more in depth (it was a lot of fun to write; hope you like it as much as I do!)  
> *** comments are welcome! Let me know your thoughts on the chapter/story.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoy the chapter, this one was fun to write! Let me know what you think of it, and thank you for reading/the kudos! <3

It had been about a week and a half since I had helped out in the med center, as well as how long it had been since I left my room. I felt tired, and defeated from the past week. Learning about those I knew who had died, whose bodies are so far away in their eternal resting spots; this had taken a bigger chunk out of me than I had realized. I felt that I gave a little too much of myself, and needed to reconvene before I took on any more duties.

As often as I told myself this, I was terrified that this wasn’t the factual reality. I was also fearful that the First Order knew I was important, knew I was an important figure toward spreading the First Order and enforcing it throughout the galaxy, but they were well aware that I was injured. Down for the count, like a stead that needed to be put down, since it was out of use.

I  _ did  _ feel as if I were out of use. Not that they were going to kill me, but they would find a different use of me, assigning me to something that was much below my rank, as well as my capabilities. Something that would completely diminish any hope of regaining a suitable lifestyle, one that would surely crush me from the inside out. Or they would forget me, and find someone younger, sharper. Someone radiating more power than I possibly could, and have them take over my title; leaving me with nothing. This, I feared, would be worse than being put to death. 

A good part of me wished I would have been eliminated on the battlefield in one swift motion, to where I wouldn’t have ever seen it coming. This way, I would have been remembered. Honored, even. As a Major who died in battle for her cause. Gave her all, trained as many as she could, so they could carry onward if she were to ever fall. For all I knew, now I would only be remembered as someone who failed to watch her back on the battlefield. 

It had also been a week and a half since I had the encounter with Commander Ren, something I was  _ desperately  _ trying to put behind me, to which I have failed. The last thing I wanted on my mind was him, and yet, I don’t believe I ever went more than fifteen minutes without him popping in. Not him deliberately doing so, just my own mind betraying me, I presume.

I worried about what happened between him and I—what it all meant. Whatever power I held within the room we were in was surely gone by now, as I had practiced over and over, holding my breath and focusing on an object, to the point of growing light headed in hopes that I could move something. I also tried reaching out to him, within my quarters, seeking to hear  _ anything  _ from him, but to no avail. I didn’t really think I had a chance, there was no way I could ever tap into him. He was too strong, too powerful, for anyone.

Was I not trying hard enough? Was it actually him rattling glass beakers and purposely confusing me? As if Kylo fucking Ren had the time to play cat and mouse with me.

I almost felt as if that it was all a dream; was there a chance I was so afraid of this man that I had somehow tricked myself into hearing his thoughts? 

I felt  _ so  _ weak as I wracked my brain for answers; I shook my head vigorously and slipped out of my clothes, quite literally stepping away from my thoughts, limping across the room and into the shower. I let the water run as hot as I could handle it, hoping somehow the steam would cloud my vision, as well as my racing mind. 

I hadn’t found my mind to become as crowded as it was the day I met Commander Ren, at least. My thought process was still somewhat out of whack, with the occasional spirals the more in depth I thought back onto what happened in the private medical supply room, with him. Staying within my own quarters didn’t provide me with a whole lot of stimulus, so I assumed this helped me keep them in my control. 

I was fearful of my next outburst, next situation that sparked a system overload within my mind. I scolded my negative thoughts, maybe if I didn’t come into contact with the Commander again everything would die down. I could focus on what was most important to me,  _ healing  _ and getting back to my life.

Has he thought about  _ me?  _ I bleated, nudging my forehead against the tiled wall in front of me as hot water rolled over my shoulders, down my back and onto my legs. I gently rubbed the wound on the back of my leg, hissing ever so slightly at the raw ache radiating within. I wondered how long I would have to deal with this pain, so insufferable at every moment of the day. My mind started bouncing off of these different topics.

In all fairness, what I had gone through with Kylo Ren was not your run-of-the-mill procedure when meeting someone as high ranking as him. Yes, I can make myself believe that. 

As much as I loathed it, deep,  _ deep  _ inside of me, I clung to the idea that he was wondering about me too. It would almost be confusing if he weren’t, unless he understood what happened between us the other day. He was so angry with me before sending me away, I agonized that he was planning my execution for being a spy, a  _ trader  _ even. 

In reality, I didn’t know what any of this meant. Could I be executed for the ability to read other people's minds? Does the commander know anyone else that can read minds? Other than the Supreme Leader, of course. I hoped with all my might I would never have to discuss these matters with him.

If Kylo Ren wanted me dead, he would have killed me right then and there instead of letting me go. If he had sensed something wrong with me, he would have eliminated me.

He wouldn’t have even needed to use his lightsaber, or wielded the force. He could have slid a hand around my neck, and applied pressure to my throat until the life left my body. 

I’m sure with a man like that I could struggle with all my might, and he wouldn’t falter after using not even half his strength to finish me. He could completely set aside his use of the force, and  _ end  _ me by himself.

I wondered just how many people and creatures he’s killed. To what extent does he enjoy it? Does he see it as his duty to the First Order, or does he feel he was  _ born  _ to do so? 

I closed my eyes, humming as I thought to myself, finding a fair amount of bliss within the steam as I leaned against the warm tiled walls of the shower.

I thought back on how he looked when I last saw him, filthy, in pain, exhausted from battle. All that interaction, and he never once touched me on his own, without using the powers of the force. 

I stewed on the thought of Commander Ren, unable to travel my mind anywhere else but on him. A familiar sense of warmth grew within me, similar to how I felt when I last had the chance to study his complexion. I grew with a strong feeling of elation, lying to myself that I would quit. It felt  _ too  _ good to cease these thoughts and feelings, feeling the clearest and most sure of myself since before I had met him. 

It was intoxicating to continue on, letting my mind wander on the topic of him, pushing further, deeper. That growing warmth from the southern part of my body beamed within me, pulsing similar to my racing heart.

I felt the steam surrounding me in the shower become even more thick, covering my body in an expansive blanket of warmth. I felt the slightest bit woozy, so intoxicated in these thoughts of mine, as well as how hot the heat from the shower was becoming.

A different, warm pressure had built around my ribcage, causing a moan of pleasure to escape my lips. Any pain I had once felt was now eliminated. That same pressure traveled down my stomach, wrapping around my waistline, and curving around my ass. 

As soon as this pressure made its way to the wound on the back of my leg, I understood within my hazed mind that no amount of steam could ever feel like an invisible hand, gripping and caressing me as it shunned away my pain. Immediately my eyes shot open and I snapped myself from this fugue, quickly swinging the shower door open and throwing myself out.

The cold air stung my naked body, raising small bumps all over my damp skin. I caught my breath, unable to ascertain if I had willed myself to do that or not. Maybe I became so overheated I had imagined it? The steam billowed out of the shower; the soreness from my ribs, and the ache from the back of my leg had returned, no longer blanketed by anything to take the pain away.

I shook my head in dismissal, placing my palms over my eyes and rubbing. I felt the fresh air of the bathroom cool me off, my heart rate slowly traveling back down. This is it, this is cabin fever I assume. I finally turned off the running water and grabbed a towel.

Thinking like how I was in the shower, about  _ him  _ does me no good, not even a little.

I decided that there was no better day than today to step outside of my room; a little interaction with others could do me well. I had spent far too much time in my own head, I was practically sick of myself.

I dressed my wound after putting cream over it, flinching at how much it  _ still  _ stung. It almost brought tears to my eyes, how deep of a pain this was. The saber had cut deep, but the pain felt like it had gone completely through, severing the leg. I wiped the few tears I could not let spill from my eyes, quickly wrapping a form-fitting splint around my chest, securing my ribcage. 

The fractures in three of my ribs were healing and not as bad as they once were, but still sore to the touch. With every deep breath I took, I was able to feel them pinching against my flesh. I quickly learned to meditate, calming my breathing to a lower pattern to keep myself from this ache.

I dressed in my off duty clothes, black pants, long sleeve and boots, seeming I was not going to be fighting on any battlefields any time soon, as much as I wished to. 

Once leaving my room I headed for the med center, hoping to get to a doctor in due time. This pain had not settled as much as I was told it would the last time I was treated, and I was running out of the patience to silently put up with it every step I took. The center was a good distance from my quarters, but I knew it was good for me to put some amount of pressure onto my leg, assuring it would strengthen up eventually.

Upon arrival I saw that the center was busy, but not as packed as it was a week ago. It didn’t look like they were bringing in casualties, just treating those that were still alive. The overall atmosphere was not as chaotic, but still high-intensity, it was a medical center after all. 

As soon as one of the receptionists saw my face, she grabbed the nearest subspace radio and alerted a doctor. I thanked her for her help and slumped against the wall, shifting my weight onto my good leg. 

So I  _ did  _ still have authority here. I wasn’t forgotten, I wasn’t shoved to the side for a newer shinier model, as far as I knew. Onlookers saw I was injured, but they didn’t forget who I was.

I thought back on Commander Ren and how the last time I had seen him was in the med wing. I pondered at the thought of how he was doing, who was the one to stitch his face and treat him for any other ailments. I wished that I had been the one to help him out, to actually see it through. I reluctantly removed the thought of him from my mind; he was too draining of a man to even think about. He had engrossed enough of my mind for the day.

Within moments of clearing my thoughts, the Chief of Staff was leaning out of a doorway, motioning me forward. I followed him through the hallway and into his office. 

“Please, take a seat, Major Arkin.” He patted the cushioned chair, and I obliged. 

“If you would like a towel so you can remove your—”

“No need.” I mentioned, unbuttoning my pants and sliding them down partially, removing my bandage to reveal the wound on my leg. 

He clicked his tongue against his teeth, taking a moment as he silently looked it over. I rolled my lip in between my teeth, biting down as his fingers brushed against it, slightly poking the outer, more tender area of the gash.

“Okay Major, from the looks of it I was right.” he started. I reapplied the bandage and pulled my pants up

“As I said last time, that wound is deep, and has damaged major tendons that make it possible for you to walk. With time we will see, but if those tendons and ligaments do not heal properly, you will be limping for the rest of your time living.” he finished. I drew in a sharp breath, shaking my head. 

I wanted so badly to lash out at him, scream, cry, tell him to do something that could fix me or put me back the way I was originally. I knew he couldn’t, and anger wouldn’t solve anything. I had spent all that time in my room reflecting, now I needed to put it to action.

“I see.” my voice cracking slightly, letting my eyes fall. I felt broken, incomplete.

“Margot, I truly suggest you take time off from training others. You are a great teacher, but what happens when the teacher worries about others and fails to take care of themselves?” 

I flashed a grin at the old man. If anything, I felt like he was forming a lesson for me at that moment.

“Come on... “ he beckoned. I rolled my eyes, huffing the hair in front of my eyes.

“They won’t be able to teach properly, I know.” I sighed. 

“The chances of you fighting any time soon are slim, as it would make you too easy of a target for the enemy. What you still have is wisdom to give to others, that is not something you can lose on the battlefield.” 

I understood what he was saying, but I felt so strongly that I was viewing this moment from someone else’s perspective. I was never supposed to fall wounded, I was supposed to win, to feel the enemies last breath fall from their chest as you take their life from them. I yearned for praise from those around me for what I have accomplished. I never expected to be receiving this kind of pep talk from a doctor.

“Please watch yourself, do  _ not  _ punish yourself because of this. You cannot expect big accomplishments so soon, this will take some serious time.” I nodded as he took his hands in mine, squeezing them tight before giving me a grin and exiting the room.

I pushed all the air out of my lungs, gently sliding off the seat with a groan. On my way out of the med center I stopped by the reception window once more, the lady behind the counter handing over meds.

I stuffed them in my pocket, heading to the cafeteria in need of a balanced meal for the first time in a week. I was pleasantly surprised with my ability to live off of what I had in my quarters. Storm troopers, and those of lower divisions shared bunks, or small barracks with others. I was thankful to have my own space to live in, but I did work damn-well hard enough to be in the position I am currently.

At some point I started to feel more aware of how quickly some others had been able to pass me while I hobbled, trying my best to walk as normally as I could but also not apply too much pressure on my leg. 

“Margot!” I heard from behind. Once I recognized the voice, my heart swelled with excitement for the first time since I had last seen her. I turned around to the open arms of my greatest accomplishment, and friend, Kaz Myrena. 

Kaz was one of few people I became friends with during my years serving under the First Order. When we had first met she was inexperienced, and unsure of herself. She began training under me as a stormtrooper, slowly becoming better and better over the years. I taught her pretty much everything I knew when it came to the battlefield, and defending yourself against any kind of enemy you could fight. 

She currently trains troopers as my prodigy. Not many have surpassed the ranks like she has, similar to myself. We had always gotten along miraculously when she was just a fighter, I realized she was right for the job and appointed her to train other troopers under me, that’s when we became even better friends. 

She engulfed me into a hug, a radiant beacon of joy and happiness. I always regretted not learning a thing or two from her for a change, how to have an attitude like  _ that  _ all the time. One could only wish to have her positive charisma. 

I hugged back and squeezed, quickly recoiling an arm and moving it to my injured ribs, stricken with aches.

“Oh Margot, what have they  _ done  _ to you out there?” she asks, motioning to my chest. She placed a gentle hand on the side of my cheek, rubbing over one of the faint cuts. I grinned, motioning my face out of her palm.

“I could say the same to you, my dear friend.” I teased, brushing her brown, tight ringlets off of my shoulder. Her beautiful ebony skin was clear of any signs of fight or distress. 

It was embarrassing to be seen by her, in this way. Standing before her, weak and in pain, as her teacher and mentor. Her effortless attitude and strength intimidated me, as I was none of those things currently. I yearned to be strong in the way she was; I wasn’t even sure what I was capable of because of my injuries. 

And she, unscathed from battle, sure enough ready to go back out and fight if she was needed to. I could not say the same for myself. If I were standing in front of anyone else, I would have let this anger seep through me, but I loved Kaz.

She stood straight, gleaming her usual positive energy. It’s almost like she wasn’t in battle, one could guess. I could see her eyes flicker, noticing my mood fluctuating. I quickly continued on, I had missed her. “When did you get back?” 

She sighed lightly as she scanned my body, sending me one of her famous smiles.

“Three or so days ago.” 

I wanted to press on, confused at how long she was out there on Exodeen, without a scratch on her. Still in her same, everlasting mood. I set these thoughts aside, not wanting to ruin the moment. I was happy to see her, she was like good news on a rainy day. 

“I guess I’m just lucky. We both seem to be, Mar.” she lamented, eyes falling just a little bit. Losing some of her fire the more her eyes scanned my face and body, surely noticing how uncomfortable and in pain my wounds made me. I nodded half heartedly at her assurance. 

“It appears so.” 

“Hey come on, don’t even start.” she reassured, wrapping me in a gentle hug. I rested my head down a bit onto her shoulder. 

Kaz could be my replacement.

I withdrew, straightening myself out in front of her. Her eyes narrowed down on me. “Something’s wrong.” I shook my head, beginning to protest when she cut me off.

“No, not something,  _ someone.”  _ she whispered, the corners of her lips slowly upturning and pulling me in closer. I let out a small laugh, throwing my head back and intertwining her arms with mine. “Come on, please! Give me some spice, this place has been dreary and depressing ever since I got back.” she persisted.

“No no, it’s not like that.” I began, shaking my head and searching the ceiling above her for something worth telling her.

“It’s not realistic or even reciprocated, nor is it something I want. It’s foolish, all of it.” 

She immediately groaned, leaning her head into my shoulder and slumping her weight onto me. We laughed in the middle of the hallway, tussling around with each other.

My heart stung at the idea of her replacing me, taking my title. She would be good at it, but she lacks the depth it takes to corral others around. She would have a tough time being hard on others, mean to them, even. She would have to learn to be comfortable crushing someone’s spirit to dust;  _ breaking  _ them down in order to make them stronger, to someday build them up into better fighters. 

Coming to this conclusion made me feel a little more justified, maybe she wouldn’t take my place. Was I a bad friend for thinking such things?

“Oh gods, don’t even act like that Margot. Who wouldn’t risk their life for a chance with you, Major  _ Arkin? _ ” she swooned, clasping her hands together. 

“Oh come on. Who is it? Who are you into?” she challenged. 

“This is ridiculous, Kaz. YOU are ridiculous.” I snickered, her arms wrapped up in mine, her body swaying around in front of me with the excitement similar to a child. 

She should know me well enough that I don’t entertain the idea of others, nor would I let them cloud my duties. I hadn’t let that overtake me in a long, long while at least.

“I’m not  _ into  _ anybody, as you say. I am moreso,  _ caught up _ , and am dying for the release from this torture.”

Her eyes bulged, no longer swaying to smack my arm gingerly. “I can’t believe you, who talks like that about someone? You’re totally denying something.” she pressed further, somewhat of shock stretching across her face.

I waved both hands dismissively directly in her face, I didn’t feel that there was anything to tell her. Even if there was, I could never tell her of Commander Ren and what happened in the supply room.

“I’m over this conversation!” I chuckled, walking away from her. She howled with laughter as I got further away. 

“Promise to fill me in sometime!” she contended, her eagerness traveling across the room toward me.

I blew her a kiss and watched her catch it, placing a hand over her lips. I turned on my heel, continuing on the route I had planned to the cafeteria.

It was nice to see her again. I liked that our personalities were so different, but fit together nicely. She was very quick with some matters and as a teacher, I was able to point them out and slow her down. She did a lot of good for me as well, brightening my mood and staying by my side through everything. It was so funny to think of someone so happy and cheerful within the First Order, but that was  _ my  _ Kaz. I loved who she was.

I then noticed where I was, close to one of the large training rooms I frequent quite often while training stormtroopers and those who wish to fight. Unsure I could handle anymore stares on the lengthy path to the cafeteria, I continued on, eventually approaching the entrance of the training room

Once the doors slid open I looked around the inside, feeling like a foreigner. This was the longest I had gone without training, practicing, fighting, doing  _ something  _ to help out. I tried to ride out the high Kaz had given me when I got to talk with her, but I could feel it fade away as a different emotion crept in. I felt out of my sorts, like I was losing control of myself again.

The walls were tall, lined with weapons and cushioning here and there for others to fall safely during their training. There was an obstacle course to run through during training to give you a feel of the battlefield, so you’d know what it was like to fight the enemy coming at you from different directions. I shook my head, recalling my own mistakes on Exodeen.

Coming here was full circle for me; I felt  _ severely  _ out of place. I grew emotional, wondering who would run this room with many young students under them, eager to learn and serve the First Order, willing to  _ die _ for it. I bit my tongue at the thought of Kaz taking over and the power she could exude, when I once shined similarly in this room. I then noticed an electro staff on the wall near me, beckoning me to approach. 

I removed it from the wall, examining all of it’s scuff marks and dents from prior use, letting my fingers drag over the hilt lightly. I twirled it in the air, gliding my bad leg behind me and pointing the staff outright in one swift motion. I swivelled, nearly losing my balance. 

I huffed, calming my nerves and standing upright to try it once more. I glided my leg behind me, flicking my wrist and spinning the staff around. This time I slipped as I put too much weight on my bad leg, both legs splitting open as I fell forward. I spread both hands on the ground before I face planted onto the floor. 

Enraged, I growled and flicked the staff on. The snapping red glow illuminated the low lit room and reflected off of the black tiled floor below. I felt the heat emitting from it’s electric tendrils, it’s current snapping and echoing within the room. 

I already felt myself working up a sweat, partially from my own worry, and mainly from the strain this put on my ribs, following the throbbing of my leg. My body was still sore from battle, but I was too set on proving to myself I could fight, especially when I thought of Kaz and her abilities replacing me. I needed to reassure myself I was still able to protect myself. 

I grated my teeth together, grumbling as I prepared myself. I let out a calm breath, going through the motions a third time. Placing a hand out in front of me, I twirled the staff in my right hand above my head, behind my body. My left leg planted, the right swiftly sliding behind me in one beautiful motion. I brought the staff down to grab with both hands and swing. Nearing completion, I crumbled to my dismay. I had strained my ribs too far, feeling them begin to pulse against flesh. Again, I landed on the ground harder this time, my wrist breaking my fall and contorting into a painful angle against my body.

I let out a scream of frustration, rising off of the floor and to my feet once more. I felt an inner pressure inside my mind pressing outward, almost like my skull was about to split open, letting whatever was on my mind spew out. I placed both hands on the staff, feeling my entire body heat with a fever. I extended my body and twirled it high above my head, bringing my elbows back down to my sides, sending the staff crashing down on the head of a cushioned practice target, slicing through it.

I shrieked with pain, losing balance and dropping the staff while toppling down to the floor, succumbing to my wounds and clutching my ribs. I seethed, spitting up a bit as I tried to catch my breath, choking up in the process. It almost felt like I could cough up shards of my ribcage.

I stayed hunched over, feeling my face grow red with displeasure. Every breath I managed to suck in stung as my ribs twinged with pain, surely poking my insides with a likeness to sharp blades.

The electro staff had rolled away from me, fizzing and sputtering as the electric tendrils on both ends fried the tiled floor. My body shuddered as aches and pains radiated from my torso as I was curled over, sweat dripping from my brow. A few tears pricked my eyes, mystifying my sight. I hummed with pain as I breathed out, pressing my eyes closed in defeat. I was foolish to still think I could fight right now, in this condition.

“And yet, you persist?” a low electronic voice rattled. I snapped my head upright to find Commander Ren had entered the room, mask and all. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoy the chapter, this one was fun to write! Let me know what you think of it, and thank you for reading/the kudos! <3

Any and all interest I had within me concerning this man had vanished, the only thing remaining was a genuine detestation and malice toward what he had done to me, how he made me  _ feel _ all those days ago.

“I don’t remember inviting you to the show.” I seethed through my teeth, continuing to wheeze as I filled with strife, straining to breath correctly. As my place on the floor set in, I couldn’t tell if I was more angry with him for being here, or if I felt more embarrassed at what he just witnessed. He opened his palm, within an instant the electro staff flew toward him from the floor. He grasped it firmly, switching it off and walking over to where it belonged on the wall. 

“I have seen all I need to.” he mentioned, with his back to me as he placed the staff on the shelf. On cue my eyes rolled so forcefully it pained me, tired of formalities with him.

“I’m really getting tired of this—” removing my hand from my rib cage and motioning between the space between him and I “—this thing you’re doing to me.” I attempted to turn from my ass and onto one leg to stand, but putting weight onto either leg caused my body to painfully protest otherwise. I chomped down on my lip, fighting the urge to scream as his back turned to face me. 

“What  _ I’m  _ doing to  _ you _ ?” he asked. I scoffed as he came closer. I really disliked that I couldn’t see any emotion because of his mask, not that I would have any more luck if he weren’t wearing it. 

I grew angry speaking to this mask, feeling like I wasn’t getting through to him as I should. I couldn’t see any reason to speak to him when I already was familiar with how his interactions go. A little mind reading here, a little unnecessary force-handling there, a big heaping of anger issues as well as zero human decency and congratulations, there you have it. 

“You speak before I even get the chance to.” I told him, bringing my legs closer to me, suddenly feeling very small on the ground before him. My mind began to buzz, that same whirlwind from before, beginning to stir faster and faster in my mind. 

I pressed my fingers to my temple, rubbing in circles. Many thoughts flashed by my mind, why the Commander was in the room, how he had found me. Why did he wish to speak to me? Was he wondering how I was doing? I was glad he was here with me. I was angry he knew where I was. I was confused. I wanted to cry.

I failed to reach out and grab a topic to speak on, choking on my tongue within this storm of emotions I was caught up in the more I spent my time in it. 

I exhausted my mind for something to focus on, but to no avail, all my thoughts whizzed past me too quickly to speak on.

I felt a familiar tug forward, releasing me from the clammer of my personal flurry. I took a solid breath in, now able again to think structured thoughts; understanding that  _ he  _ was the one who had always heard me drowning, and pulled me to the surface.

I believe I heard a small chuckle from him, but it was so low that it barely registered on his voice box, sounding more like a low buzz. He stepped directly in front of me, extending his hand for me to grab. 

Oh, gods. He’s gonna help me up now? After all the insults? After dismissing me in such a childish manner weeks ago? I did not wish to play this game of hot and cold with him, it was disorienting trying to keep up. 

“Ok, I’m not into this. Please, leave me alone.” I waved my hand dismissively, planting both hands by my sides desperately trying to get onto a knee in front of him. 

“You think you can dismiss your commander in such a way?” He asked, sounding genuinely curious, maybe a bit peeved with me too. Again with the dodging! Does this man ever listen?

I felt like I was in a pretty low spot, literally at the foot of him. I was tired, in pain, and embarrassed that the commander of the First Order had seen one of his best Majors completely trip over her own feet in a  _ training _ room. I didn’t want this situation, not any part of it. 

I no longer felt the need for words, knowing well enough he could hear the thoughts that flashed in and out of my mind if he wanted to. I slumped my body onto the floor, and I turned my head downward, no longer craning my head to look up at him. 

I lolled my head to the side of my shoulder, huffing. Unassuming this interaction would end well despite any way I went about it. Not possible with him.

Once more his hand extended for me to grab, I shook my head. 

_ This is not an offer, Major.  _

I snapped my head up at him, seeing my reflection in his mask. It made no sense to me why he wore it, it seemed childish, like he was trying to prove he was something he wasn’t. I wondered what his facial expression was at that moment, under his mask. Was he enjoying this? Or was he genuinely puzzled that someone was disobeying his command?

I turned my head back down, forcing a yawn.

_ Not interested, Commander.  _

Immediately following my thought, I was lifted off of the floor and into the air, dangling in front of Commander Ren. 

“See,  _ this  _ is what I’ve come here to talk to you about.” He flared. He inched me in closer, placing a gloved hand to wrap under my jaw. The sudden electric contact his cold, leather glove had made with my skin rocked me with chills, shaking me to the bone. 

A part of me wanted to shut my eyes, internally willing him to squeeze my jaw tighter. I flipped back to anger, also feeling unappreciative of the constant man-handling he was very obviously into.

“What are you doing? To make this happen?” 

I snickered at his certainty that this was my doing, to which he squeezed my jaw tighter under his grasp. A smile immediately crept onto my lips, without my permission.

“I don’t think you understand, Major.” He then sent me backward, flying through the room until my backside collided with a cushioned practice dummy. My neck snapped back at the sudden stop and I yelled out in pain, balling my fists. My smile no more. 

See, Kaz? This is the dilemma I have on my hands. Nothing worth mentioning.

“Are you out of your mind?” I fumed as he strode toward me. 

”Only because of you.” he said leaning in close, his gloved hand once again meeting me, only this time he clenched below my jaw on the upper part of my neck. He was so close, I was nearly able to feel the heat emitting from him, piercing through the mask. 

I flashed him a confused look as I furrowed my brows, the breath still knocked out of my lungs from when he hurled me across the room. It wasn’t enough to hurt, but it did leave me winded and a tad woozy. 

“I do not trust you, I can see right through you.” he began.

“You are unsure of yourself, never would there be a girl as weak as you that ever could amount to what I have become. Not ever.” he stated proudly. I have to admit, it stung. This was the Kylo Ren I had heard from others, the man I’ve been warned of. 

“I am now certain you are a spy, filling my mind with your nonsense as a tactic to  _ distract _ me from my duties.”

My eyes expanded at his remark. “You  _ think  _ I would do anything to you purposely? You are the last person I want wasting my time.” 

He growled at my response, his thumb sliding from under my jaw and to my cheek, pressing firmly into it, reeling my head back to stare into the ceiling. “You assume someone of my ranking would  _ spy  _ on you?” I howled with laughter. “After all I’ve done, all I have given of myself for this cause!” I howled. He brought my head back down to look at him once more, and I continued on, the walls lining with instruments of war shook and rattled all around us.

“ _ I’m  _ weak? We might have similarities, but I do not hide behind a mask like a fearsome child.” My tongue felt as if that last line was coated with acid, intended to hit and sink  _ deep. _

I was still held up by him, the shaking from my rage quickly turned to imminent fear, awaiting his answer as well as his response to what I had said. I could hear him breathing heavily through his mask. 

He released me from his grasp, dropping me onto my feet, I stumbled as I landed on my bad leg, leaning up against the practice dummy. The walls around us slowly quieted down. I hunched over, hands on my knees as I struggled to catch my breath as it seemed he was regulating his own. 

I looked up at him, seeing that he was so very conflicted behind the walls he had placed in front of himself. 

_ There is really no need for that mask around me. _

I reached out to him softly within my own confidence, feeling how easy it was. I grew motionless, afraid I could anger him more.

He took a long pause to himself before bringing his hands up to the latches of his helmet, to my amazement.

He slid it off in one swift motion, his dark hair pillowing onto his shoulders as he did so. His helmet hid the floor with a thud, metal clashing against the tiled floor. 

I bit my tongue the moment I felt something within me as I saw his face, huffing and pushing those feelings far away from me. His face was bright red, his eyes dark and fixated on me. His hair was a mess in his face, but he left it alone, observing me. 

I was finally able to observe the gash on his face, which had been stitched closed. It was still bright red irritated, but it was much less threatening than I had last seen.

Seeing his face really helped sink in whatever trouble I was in with him, the Commander of The First Order. With the amount of opportunities he was given to strike me down and kill me, I really felt as if I was living on borrowed time. 

“I promise you,” I urged, “I have no knowledge of what you speak of, or any of this is for that matter.” His full, rosy lips pressed into a straight line, his eyes flickering all over my body as I stood up straight. 

He stepped forward, closer to me and extending an arm. Instinctively I flinched, prying my eyes back open once I felt his hand on the side of my head. “What are y-” 

My neck then went limp in the middle of my sentence, his other hand cupping my cheek to keep my head from slouching forward. I felt him enter my mind more thoroughly this time, so easy to do as I had no line of defense in order to stop him. 

I felt my eyes gloss over, no longer seeing him and instead, shifting to our shared vision. I watched him peak into my day today and seein my interaction with Kaz, my days before, weeks before the battle of Exodeen. I was able to watch everything the way he saw it, letting me relive it.

He continued on, unnecessarily observing conversations I’ve had with people from years and years ago. Training stormtroopers, my own training to become a Major. He peeked into private matters, lingering on some more than others. 

I writhed against his touch as much as I could when he overlooked bad memories, from times where I felt pain that I would never wish on anyone. He then started nearing days of my childhood, matters I have purposely not thought back on for a  _ long  _ time.

“S-s. S-st. St-.” I hissed, beginning to feel weaker the further he flipped into the oldest parts of my memory. I grew antsy, not wanting him, nor myself to relive my time as a child. I groaned and continued to feel more and more fatigued, my body slowly falling slack. 

Although my body was beginning to lack feeling, I vaguely felt the Commander prop me up on the cushion against my back, pressing his body into mine to keep me upright, his knee between both of my legs. “P-pl. S-s…st-“ I sputtered, stumbling over my words and unable to focus on what he was sifting through, while also desperately trying to grab anything in the present to bring me back. 

“Almost done,  _ Major.”  _ he reassured softly, my body almost completely limp against his.

I hummed, unable to make out any more sounds. I felt my breath falling slower and more shallow, a few dragged out breaths here and there as seconds swept by. I  _ wasn’t  _ going to make it out of this, I was going to die before he found anything of use to himself. 

I felt myself cry out quietly, furrowing my brow. I concentrated on my anger, trying my best to look past what my mind openly showed him. 

Miraculously, I felt myself gain a small amount of power within my fists, clenching them as hard as I could as the life seeped back into them. Just like I was back in the medical supply room, I was presented with a very obvious option in my mind, seducing me toward it by any means. I obliged as Commander Ren was just about to reach an area of my life I would rather wish never happened. 

My neck tightened with it’s own strength again, leaning away from the Commanders open palm. I slowly fluttered my eyes open, meeting his own. I clamped down on my teeth as I grabbed his wrist, yanking it off of the top of my head, shoving him and sending him backward. He slammed on the ground before me with a thud.

I also fell to the ground, filling my lungs with air to the highest capacity they could. I lurched forward between coughs, running a hand around my neck, across my face to feel the blood circulate throughout my body. I ran fingers over my arms and covering my chest to feel my heart beating faster and faster. I continued to flex my fingers, making sure all ten of them still worked. 

I looked up at the Commander to see him staring in bewilderment, propped up on an arm from the floor in front of me. He scooted toward me.

“What was  _ that _ then?” he demanded, pointing at me and growing in anger once more.

I sifted through my own discretions, looking at him and wishing to somehow make him feel the way he had just done so to me. I let out a shuddered breath of anger, focusing down all of my might on this pestilent man. 

_ Never again.  _

He definitely heard me, but not much of his facial expression had wavered. He gave me the smallest of nods while he huffed. I took that as a sign that maybe he understood he went too far back, risking my life for information that wasn’t what he was looking for. I at least hoped he could see that. 

Once having regulated my breathing, I shrugged my shoulder at him. “I told you, I have no knowledge of this.” I plead. “I have only ever felt this with you around. This is the second occasion.”

He gave me an odd look, conflicted with his own inner turmoil I suppose. He took a moment to collect his thoughts, deciphering a response as he looked anywhere but me.

“Perhaps I was foolish to assume a girl could plan something like that against me. And yet... I can hear you, and you can hear me.” His voice was low, no longer yelling, but he was still so hateful with his words.

He was so cold, so distant with everything he ever had to say. What made him like that?

“No,” I began. “I’ve only ever heard you in the med room, and in here. Nowhere else. If you’re tired of hearing me when I’m around, why not block me out? I assume you’re strong enough.”

He scowled as if I had said something stupid, eyes wavering back to me. 

“I  _ always  _ hear you.” He claimed, looking somewhat confused. 

My jaw dropped, almost letting an audible groan pass my lips. I couldn’t ponder the fact for too long or else he would understand the magnitude of my humiliation. I felt my cheeks redden with embarrassment.

“From the moment I met you, up to now, I have unwillingly heard everything. I have yet to find a way to silence you.” he continued on as I began to shrink into my spot on the floor. 

I couldn’t possibly think back on  _ everything _ I’ve ever thought of within the past week and a half, but I knew a good amount of it was based off of him.

“Yes, it was.” he mentions.

A hot flash spread across my cheeks, my fingernails digging into my palms at my sides. I then sat on the feeling, understanding that this was not his doing. If he were able to put a stop to it, he would.

“I- I’ve never heard you on my own.” I specified, earning a sigh from him. His eyes poured into mine for a few moments, holding my gaze. 

Amidst my own utter embarrassment I focused on my time in the shower a few hours earlier. How conveniently my mind wandered to him, right as I had felt something, or  _ someone  _ momentarily silence my aching wounds, just before that pressure had caressed my skin, embracing all over my naked and wet body.

I came to the realization just as the Commander’s jaw tightened, quickly turning his head away from me and looking elsewhere.

I also turned away, regretting even thinking about it. Unsure of what to make of that, of any of this.

“Nevermind it then,” he began, rising off the ground. “You will silence your thinking or I will make you do so.” he stipulated, grabbing his helmet and fitting it back onto his head as he started to leave the room.

_ Is that an order? _

He stopped dead in his tracks as I finished my thought. The door slid open in front of him and he did not bother to turn back and face me.

_ I do not wish to ever see you again, unless I find that you have disobeyed me, Major.  _

I gulped, deep within my chest stinging slightly. He had pushed me away, and I couldn’t find a good enough reason as to why he did.

The delivery of his words had hit me harder than I was prepared for. He then exited the room, door sliding shut behind him and leaving me with my thoughts. 

To be frank, I felt uneasy, empty once he had left the room. I felt feelings of importance when he was fixated on me. Without that feeling present, I felt bare, different than a week and a half ago. It was almost like I was in a foreign body, but I was piloting it. 

I couldn’t understand how he was content with carrying on, hearing my thoughts all day long, and never seeing me again? Isn’t there more to this? How could this be possible in the first place? I am no Jedi, and yet we can  _ hear  _ each other?

Couldn’t we figure this out together, maybe use it for good? This had to mean something, there was surely more to it than he was alluding to. 

I thought back to what he had mentioned only moments ago, a small smirk spreading across my face. It was bold of him to assume I had a handle on my thoughts, I knew right then and there that I would be seeing Commander Ren sometime soon, by my own disobedience.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everybody liking it so far? I've meant to update sooner, but I've had a lot more online homework than I thought I would. Luckily, I have some great ideas for this story, I hope you're enjoying it so far. I can't wait to get dark and twisted at some point. Let me know your thoughts, and thank you for reading!

I switched off my datapad, letting out a long exasperated sigh as I leaned backward into my chair. Kicking my feet up onto my desk, I looked along the walls of my office, a quaint little room for me to do my work quietly. I had just finished up marking down the stormtroopers accounted for on the Death Star, and those that were most likely slain on Exodeen. As the days passed, feelings of inadequacy consumed me further, still unaware of what my fate was. I hadn’t heard of any changes made within my position, so I assumed nobody had replaced me.

I had kept to myself and kept busy the last few days, meeting with stormtroopers and assessing where they were at physically. I felt desolate, but it gave me time to work and try and regulate my mind without disruptions. I needed to know who we had left and what their capabilities were after the previous battle. I also had to calculate how many spaces would need to be filled within a matter of weeks, since we had lost a good amount on Exodeen.

I yawned and rubbed my temple, feeling my mind wander and letting it do as it chose to. I had felt particularly tense for the last few days, unsure of where these feelings had stemmed from as I was not particularly angry toward anything. Confusion, conflict and somewhat hurt was accounted for, but not this. 

I didn’t let myself reflect back on the training room with Commander Ren within the last few days, I was too nervous to get overly caught up and summon the heaping pile of anger that he was. I heeded his warning, focusing on my work as often as I could. Even within the strenuous effort of walking around the Death Star and visiting others, my mind still wavered when I had down time. I couldn’t help but think of him and how he was doing. 

I still wanted to know what else could possibly come from this, and  _ why  _ these capabilities had found me, somehow connecting me to the Commander of the First Order... of all people. It also worried me how he didn’t seem to care, between everything that had occurred between us. Speaking with him in the training room made me feel of use, important. Now I was afraid that there was nothing to become of me, that I would just live in the mess of my mind for the rest of my life, constantly trying to get a hold of it as well as my emotions.

He had done something to me, I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. Almost trance-like, how could you not think of someone immediately after they told you not to? That’s an entirely impossible rule to abide by. Was he doing this to me, somehow?  _ Forcing _ me to think of him so often? I don’t believe I’ve ever devoted as much of my mind to anyone as I have for him, it felt out of my control. There’s something about him that has caused my brain to rewire itself completely, just from two measly interactions. Something doesn’t add up. 

I felt even more afraid that I would never see him again, as much as I loathed to admit that. Although he frustrated me, I felt a very obvious pull toward him. Does he feel it too? Or is he the one pulling the strings?

I bit the inside of my cheek, not daring to push forward on anything  _ too  _ deep about this man. I felt like a stupid doll, my emotions so constantly altered without my permission because of him. I liked to tell myself that if I had a better hold on my mind, I would stop thinking about him. But another part of me knew that this wasn’t true, just a front I could put up in hopes he couldn’t see through the cracks, revealing how defenseless I truly was.

Insistent beeps came from below, pulling me from my thoughts. The long, thin, mechanical hand stretched over my body and placed a memory drive on my desk next to my datapad, rather impatiently. I huffed a breath through my nose, grinning at the ebony droid as the arm quickly zipped back into the compartment it had come out of.

“My apologies, BB-9E. Thank you for your work.” I praised the droid, turning my head to look directly at him. He continued on with his annoyance, strings of beeps heavily compiled together as he grumbled to himself. He eventually accepted the acknowledgement. 

Although he was an astromech droid that was created with the intentions of helping me with repairs, he didn’t do too many of them. Most of the time he took up residency within my office, but sometimes he would accompany me to my personal quarters. He was excellent to have around while recording data, or needing to store my files on the stormtroopers and take them on the go. He could easily send and receive information from other personnel, or simply summon troopers I needed to work with for the day. My favorite thing about him was that he could review fighting techniques and memorize them easily, so if a trooper was not performing correctly, BB-9 could point it out.

Other than Kaz, BB-9 kept me company most of the time. Sometimes I wondered what he would do if I ever perished on the battlefield, or what kind of matters he would have to deal with afterwards. As he was my droid, it wasn’t like he could work with an officer or the general after being with me for so long. It was a sad thought, to picture him sitting in a room by himself, powered down. 

He was very observant for a repair droid, definitely noticing whenever I spend too much time in a daydream, or catching any and all mistakes I make in general. On the first occasion I had seen him since returning from Exodeen, he gave me a lengthy spiel about how I needed to be more careful on the battlefield, and also take better care of myself overall. With most people, I would tend to silence them once I’ve had enough. BB-9 was different, he seemed to genuinely care. He was a good companion, despite his faults. I guess I couldn’t deny the fact that one of my closest companions was a  _ droid. _

My thoughts were interrupted by a quick metal tap on my door, then sliding open to reveal a bigger protocol droid.

“Major Arkin?” the low voice hummed. 

I nodded. “Yes?”

“General Hux has sent out this statement to high-division personnel only, regarding a spy within our ranks. All are to be on the lookout, promptly delivering any information you have to the Commander or General. This is not to be mentioned to anyone falling below your division. That is all.”

The droid finished, buzzing as it swiveled around and left the office. BB-9 let out all sorts of nervous beeps, whizzing around my feet as I planted them onto the floor. The protocol droid was much bigger, and more alarming than he was. He was spooked by the droid, but as well as the idea of the spy. I consoled him, expressing my shock as well. We were puzzled.

A spy on the Death Star? I thought back to when the Commander had assumed I was a spy, shaking my head at the idea of it. I racked my mind for any kind of suspicious activity I may have noticed, but none came to mind. All of the troopers I had come into contact with were good, trusting fighters. I felt that I would be able to spot a trader if I ever was in the presence of one, as it is effortless to tell when others fight for a false cause. 

The idea of even conversing with a potential trader bugged me, someone who clearly doesn’t understand why we do what we do. I wondered how else these matters were being handled, and how the Commander felt about a potential spy on board. Surely he was seething with rage at the mere idea of it all. 

As quickly as my mind started to daydream further about the Commander, I pulled myself out of it by standing from my seat, flattening out my shirt. As the door in front of me slid open, BB-9E beeps in protest. “Leaving me. Alone. And spy. Alone?!” 

I let my head hang low, my eyes rolling all around. He stays put, scanning me, ultimately unaware of any kind of sarcasm that could be thrown his way. I skip the games, realizing this. I had spent a couple years with the droid and appreciated his help immensely, but sometimes I wondered how I managed to end up with the most faint-hearted droid in all of the First Order. It was almost similar to having a helpful, but whiny, child following at your heel. 

“My dear friend, won’t you join me?” I say, opening the door and beckoning him forward. He follows, giving me a few happy beeps in return.

I shook my head and left my office, proceeding down the hallway, data pad in hand. I noticed stormtroopers, and trainers of lower divisions scattered along the hallways and talking amongst themselves, definitely concerning the spy. 

“Major Arkin! Did you hear?”

I turned to see two trainees I’m somewhat familiar with, Cora and Gil, motioning toward me. These two answer to Kaz, who is training them to advance to her level. They were cute, 17 or 18 with hope burning from their eyes so bright it was almost difficult to look at them during conversation. It was similar to a child that yearns for your constant approval. 

I could recall a time when Kaz acted in a similar fashion during the time I trained her years ago. Now as she trained others she no longer exhibited that attitude, even though she works below me and answers to me at the end of the day. I still saw her as somewhat of an equal, a great friend. 

“Yes, I have.” I said, stepping closer and lowering my voice. “Who told you?”

These two, as well as those on their level were not supposed to know, even though they were preparing and working toward becoming trainers themselves as Kaz’s equal. 

“Kaz did! You just missed her, actually.” Cora exclaimed. I sighed, nodding my head at the idea of it. BB-9E beeps angrily at my feet.

On the topic of Kaz, I can’t say I wasn’t surprised she broke the seal, she was pretty much an open book to all. She was fairly close to many; I could see how easily the word got out. 

“You two are not to tell anyone else of this, understand?” I told them with a stern stare. They both nodded quickly in agreement and I patted their shoulders, giving them a quick grin. 

As I continued down the hall near the main area that led to the different training rooms, a crowd of trainers and troopers collected together, gossiping about the hottest topic that had plagued the Death Star. To be frank, it was unnerving, she’s managed to tell  _ this  _ many people?

Amongst the crowd of people I was able to spot tight, curly ringlets bouncing around the room. Once we locked eyes I motioned her toward me, feeling more tense now than ever. 

“Hey Mar! You hear about all this?” Kaz rang as she approached, grabbing my hand. I shot her an odd look, unsure why she was so upbeat at a time like this. 

“You told other people? After you were asked not to?” I probed, watching her roll her eyes. BB-9E scolds her as well with a flurry of low beeps, but she ignores it.

“I mean, I didn’t think it’d hurt to tell the troopers. More people on the lookout, I guess.” She chimed, her smile fading a bit as she sensed my unamusement. 

My callousness toward Kaz suddenly disappeared and my mind went blank, my body humming with a numbness I was unfamiliar with. The only familiarity I could sense was a pull within me, connecting me to him once again as he poured his anger into me, filling me up completely. 

_ Fix it. _

I gasped softly at his words, clear as day. I did not know if he was close by, or just projecting outward and into me.

Blood pumped throughout my body, livening me up again. I began to shake with the same anger he felt, simply transferring it to me. I shoved past Kaz, leaving her and BB-9E behind as I placed myself in the middle of all the clammer and chatter of the room. 

“Enough!” I exclaimed, loud and clear. I felt my heart thud strongly in my chest, only strengthening my determination. All bodies turned my way, everyone placing their arms down at their sides, standing straight with full attention. 

“There will be  _ no  _ further discussion of what you have gained knowledge of today. Any and all information you have concerning these matters will be brought to me, and  _ only _ me. Otherwise, you are not to speak of it. Have I made myself clear?”

“Yes, Major!” The room proclaimed in unison. I held their gaze, their bodies not moving a muscle as I scanned the room in search of anyone that could displease me.

I finally nodded, walking toward Kaz as the crowd of people began to disperse, no longer chattering.

“And you. You shouldn’t have told anyone, as you were instructed.” I affirmed, blood still boiling. Kaz frowned, cocking her head to the side. 

“Okay okay, I’m sorry, Mar. It won’t happen again.” She defended, placing her palms open in front of her, then resting a hand on my upper arm. 

The heat from my body quickly escaped me, placing me more at ease. I huffed, rolling my neck and shoulders of the tensity that once plagued them. I stewed in silence. Once again, I felt more like the Commander’s puppet than myself, my mind and body controlled by him so easily. Constantly unguarded, for him to sneak in whenever he pleased. This time was only different because he wasn’t around in order to do it, only solidifying his strengths and capabilities to me. It felt unfair. 

“All good Mar? If I didn’t know you well enough, I’d mistake you for a droid with more of that prim and proper attitude than usual.” she teased, leaning in closer to me. One of BB-9’s compartments opened to reveal a tube that shot out steam in front of him, one of his ways of expressing his disgust. I rolled my eyes, placing a hand on top of hers and giving it a gentle squeeze.

“Yes, my dear. Just a lot on my plate now, it seems.” I reassured her, desperately hoping she wouldn’t pry. I felt too betrayed, too foreign in my own body to explain to her how I was feeling. I watched a smirk light up across her face. 

“Oh, I know just what you need.”


	6. Chapter 6

“The damn kid shot just above my head! Nowhere near his target; he nearly killed me and everyone surrounding him! He’s a  _ menace!” _ Kaz exclaimed, raising her drink in the air and spilling some of the contents onto the table. I gripped my stomach with laughter, slamming my other hand on the table a few times in defeat as I exhaled all of the air from my lungs. 

“Surely he wasn’t as bad as your first time on Akiva, was he?” I challenged, taking a drink from my cup and raising my eyebrows at her. Her eyes intensified and she let out a groan, banging her head against the table lightly. I hushed her amongst my giggles, surveying the room to see a few heads turn toward us. 

“Marrrr, I thought you had forgotten about that one.” she bellowed, head rising from the table. I snickered and ate the snacks on the table, not wanting to press on and embarrass her any further. I sat smiling in my seat as Kaz continued laughing to herself, popping a few crackers into her mouth. My body buzzed happily after a few drinks, significantly nulling any of my aches and pains. My mind felt surprisingly within my control, calm even. 

The occasional thought of  _ him _ had popped into my mind often, I found myself lingering on the idea of him too often as Kaz continued on with her storytelling. Similar to how I’ve recently been stuck in my own flurry of thoughts, I also found myself stuck on  _ him  _ while I was intoxicated. Whatever barrier I put up to block the idea of him from my mind can be worn down by a couple drinks, apparently. 

Being inebriated surely did not help the side of me that knew thinking too much was wrong, and could result in facing whatever consequences he deemed fit. Luckily during my night out with Kaz, as long as Kaz kept the drinks coming, I could silence that worrying side of me. I often felt worried of what he would do if I bugged him any further with my incessant thoughts, ‘ _ filling my mind with nonsense’,  _ as he had once mentioned. I rather liked how these feelings vanished once I had established a good buzz. The thought of the Commander was so inviting and sinful. It felt  _ good  _ to go against his wishes, even if I had to find liquid courage in order to do so.

I noticed the more I drank the more I was able to let my guard down, too blissed-out to care if I spent too much of my bandwidth on this man, I was tired of treading lightly in fear of him. 

My mind came soaring back down to the booth we were in once Kaz had begun to snap her fingers deliberately in front of my eyes.

“Margot, Margot, do you copy?” she cackled. I blinked a few times, rubbing my eyes and nodding. 

“Yes ma’am!” I rang. I took another sip of my drink, stronger than the last, and feeling my eyes start to fall weak. I shook it off, sucking on an ice cube to stimulate me and keep me from dozing off. I swirled my red drink with my straw, watching it bubble and fizz below the leafy garnishes on the surface, looking similar to the twinkling stars and distant planets surrounding us.

“ _ Anyone  _ on your mind?” she probed, eyes locked on me. I shook my head rapidly, earning a few laughs from her. “Give it up! There is nothing to tell, honestly.” I begged, clasping my hands together. She shook her head.

“I will need to know sometime, it’s awfully rude of you to keep secrets about  _ someone  _ from me!” she vowed. I let my neck go limp, rolling my head around my shoulders and watching everything slow down around me, much slower than real time. Gods, I was  _ really  _ drunk.

“There is  _ nothing  _ to say, I’m begging you to drop it. I do not feel good about anyone, nor does anyone fancy me.” I declared, finishing my drink. I knew I had a few drinks, but I felt much further gone than I usually did, I am no veteran, but I am no rookie.

“You cannot just say that  _ nobody  _ fancies you, Mar.” she commented, grasping one of my hands within her own.

I stared at our hands, feeling my mouth gape open slightly. Her hands were cold, it felt like she was cooling my whole body down with her simple touch. I blinked a few times to try and remedy how lagged my vision was. 

She stayed silent, and I looked up at her through droopy eyes to see how serious her demeanor was. 

I began to laugh, slipping my hand out of her grasp and sweeping my long hair behind my shoulders. Anything I could possibly wonder about was quickly replaced by my drunken mind, constantly laughing at everything, looking past matters that my sober self would clearly find a problem. She recoiled, straightening her posture and sitting back in her seat, retreating to her drink. 

“I don’t believe it, but I’ll quit. You’re hiding something, I’ll find out sooner or later.”

I giggled to myself like a little girl, rubbing my hands over my face in exhaustion. “Ah, okay. Sounds good.”

She shook her head dismissively. “You ready to leave? I think you’ve drank this place dry, Mar.” she said assertively, gesturing to the cups on the table. I shrug, she was the one ordering the rounds of drinks, I was in too good of a mood to point it out.

My body hummed with bliss right as the next thought of Commander Ren flashed across my mind. I lingered on it for what seemed to be a little too long, only realizing this when Kaz was standing outside of the booth and coiling her fingers around my wrist.

“Ok, ok Kazzy. I got this.” I protest, whipping my hand away and placing them both in the air. She backed away, letting me exit the booth but still grabbing the underside of my arm as I stumbled a bit. Once I stood upright I almost saw stars, the entire room glowing more than it was when we entered. I felt overly warm and a bit dizzy, knowing all of those she ordered were now settling in the pit of my stomach. Kaz notices my struggles and laughs it off, looking around the room at those around us and pulling me close.

“They’re all looking at you Mar, maybe we invite one back to my room?” she asks quietly. I frowned and shook my head, somewhat amazed even beyond my intoxicated haze that she would ever ask something like that. She sighs and seems annoyed, but moves us through the room and we exit. 

“I know, I’ll go back in and pick one out while you get ahold of that guy you’re obviously into.” she continues, her hand stroking my upper arm.

This time I gasp slightly, choking on my own spit at the thought of just ‘getting ahold’ of the Commander. She rubs my back as I stay leaning against the wall closest to me. My eyes dart around as I catch my breath, putting forth my best efforts to give her a stern glare despite how numbed my face feels. The excessive amount of alcohol makes me laugh, a silly thought to ever imagine leisure time with the commander. I doubted he ever did anything for fun, if you didn’t count torturing people to death.

I move away from her, eager to walk on my own. I claw at my throat as it begins to feel numb and I drag my legs beneath me awkwardly, I was  _ completely  _ out of my sorts. Once again, Kaz reels me in and places a hand on the lower side of my back, her fingers lightly placed at the top of my rear. I don’t choose to answer her question or humor her by denying her offer.

“You t-think we’ll run into that trainee of yours? Gods, how funny would that be?”

She seems to stifle a small laugh at my question, keeping her grip on me from what I can tell. My body felt listless, only alarmed to the harshness of her cold hands. Kaz doesn’t answer my question, she only continues to steer us in the direction of the turbolift at the end of the hall. 

We enter, and she messes around on the control panel for whatever level she wished to get off at. I lean against the wall, my skin still vibrating wildly. Whatever bliss I was feeling back in the booth was replaced with exhaustion, my body starting to fall slack. I feel Kaz’s hand wrap around my waist, pulling me in closer to her. 

“That was fun, huh? Kinda like old times.” she recalls. I nod in agreement, right as I feel her slide her hand over my hip and directly onto my ass. I smile and finally open my eyes, scooting away from her. Thoughts of Commander Ren vanish, and I am completely taken back by Kaz. I feel too tired, and too out of control with my own body and mind that the way I react to her is not as serious as I wish.

“Geez Kaz, I…” I trail off, my head lolling to the side as it begins to feel too heavy for my neck to support. Her eyes locked on me once again, in a serious manner. I frown, unaware of the next emotion that fills within me. 

“Yeah Mar, I think you  _ definitely  _ had too much to drink.” she boasts, shaking her head and grabbing my arm once the doors in front of us slide open. I wanted to press on, but she pulls me so abruptly into her and out of the lift that I’m not fast enough to string together a sentence. I didn’t feel  _ stupid _ drunk, I felt tired. I couldn’t have been imagining things, that didn’t make sense. I almost feel upset at how immobile I feel, my subordinate moving me around like a giant ragdoll. I couldn’t understand how effortlessly she handled her alcohol, still moving and speaking without faltering.

As she’s towing me forward I feel even more of a lag, like everything around me is slowing down gradually. She is the one moving us forward while I am mentally at least ten steps behind, my mind unable to catch up fast enough. I want so desperately to relax the muscle in my neck and legs, letting myself fall to the floor for a much needed slumber. I am not too far gone to know that it would be stupid and dangerous in my state, no matter how high ranking I was.

Kaz smiles at three men meandering around the halls, turning her head to continue staring at them well after we pass. 

I want to ask if she knows them, or what has gotten into her, but I feel conflicted. I am so beyond my limits, as well as tuned out of piloting my own body that I decide not to. I am unaware of the difference between what is my own doing, and what is actually just the alcohol filling in gaps for me. I begin to panic slightly, feeling warmer and warmer as we continue down the halls. If I were alone I would probably cry because of the sour feeling in my stomach, as well as the embarrassment of feeling this out of control. I wondered if it would be appropriate to force myself to vomit in the hallway, expelling the alcohol within me in hopes I’d feel better. 

The thoughts I had in my mind buzzed around, but were incomplete. There’s nothing for me to really ponder, nothing for me to say, to act on. Remarkably, my mind finds its way to muse toward the Commander. Wondering what he was doing, wondering if he was still cross with me. He was so callous, so dismissive the last time I saw him. He only ever took what he wanted from me, and yet I find myself thinking of him? As often as I yearned to think about him throughout my days, I didn’t understand  _ why  _ I ever would when I knew this didn’t make sense. I swear I nearly heard his voice as Kaz hauled me down the hallways, but I am too obliterated to know if he was reaching out, or if my mind was so smitten by him that I could imagining such things. I opt for the latter.

Once I notice we are nearing Kaz’s quarters, I feel her hand once again caressing my hip, that I am sure of this time around. I want to speak on it, but I am not confident enough in my abilities to call her out on it and actually support my claim. Could it be possible she’s just drunk, and I can’t tell because of how fucked up I am? Not entirely impossible. Kaz looks around the hallways, reasons unknown to me. I then realize she wants to continue the night, and I am nowhere near ready to oblige.

“Kaz, I need to go.” I start, but she interjects before I am even able to think of what to say next.

“Oh, there’s no way I’m leaving you alone.  _ Look  _ at you, Mar.” she bates, grabbing at my hands and getting closer to me. I shudder, trying to snap myself out of my stupor. “C’mon, it’s not even that late. Maybe those guys are looking for some fun.” She continues. 

“No, I can get home just fine, really.” 

“You don’t see what I see, Mar.” she gets closer. Now I can feel the heat of her breath on the side of my face, I also hear her unlock her door and it slides open. I plant my feet, opening my mouth to protest but coming up short. I look at her questioningly, wondering where all of her assertion had come from. She wasn’t acting like her bubbly self at all, this was a quite different side of Kaz I had yet to meet.

I continue to struggle to piece together words, growing slightly irritated that she doesn’t think I can take care of myself. Something is wrong, but the longer she keeps me here the less sure I am of my capabilities getting back to my quarters. This strange attitude she had adopted was standing out amidst my clouded capabilities, only solidifying to me that something wasn’t right, and that I needed to get back to my quarters as quickly as possible.

“Mar, I don’t  _ want  _ you to go.” she begins, pulling my hand and leaning into her room, her other hand brushing the hair out of my face. Now she has angered me, denouncing my status and going against what I was so desperately trying to order. As if we were mere civilians, ranking nowhere special. 

She wasn’t applying my title above hers in this situation. In this situation, she wanted to call the shots. “It can be just us then, if that’s what you want.” Once more, I open my mouth to protest, but her hand pulls my face into hers and her lips silence my own.

My eyes dart open, pulling away from her with as much strength I could muster together. Her lips curl around mine and linger as I back away, dumbfounded as I stare at her, while she stares back with irritation. I blink a few times, trying to tear through the thick layer of fog waying over me, desperate to wake myself up. 

“Mar, calm down.” she continues to look around the hallway, reaching a hand out to grasp mine again. I shook my head lazily. 

“No—Kaz, stop.” I pull my hand back, standing within the whirlwind of my emotions that had just begun to worsen. I stumbled back, feeling fresh tears prick my eyes. I walk away, buried too deep within my emotions to sift through them to say anything for the occasion. I hear her call out to me, her voice echoing and bouncing off the walls surrounding the halls, ringing in my mind once I turn the corner and am far enough away from her.

I stumbled over my feet, nearly falling onto the ground. I open my eyes wide enough to see the turbolift is near, and the same three men Kaz and I had passed earlier were right by the entrance. My vision blurs, unable to see their faces as the call out to me. I ignore them and rub a hand over my eyes, feeling frantic as it gradually becomes more difficult to see. My sight becomes too corrupted and I stumble once more, colliding into a wall near me. I run my hands along the wall in hopes to continue toward the turbolift.

“What is a  _ Major  _ doing on her own?” One of them says, teasingly. They come closer and I feel two hands on the backsides of my shoulders. “Where’s your friend?” one continues. I begin to feel more sets of hands on my body, turning me around and pressing me into the wall. I then grew even hotter with anger as I picked up on their sinister tone of voice, overcome with the realization of their ill intentions. I was plagued with drowsiness but I was still aware of what danger sounded like when it came from a man. 

The multiple hands on me stop touching, and begin to  _ feel _ around my body, caressing whatever curves they land on. I jerk away but there are too many, too persistent at keeping me pinned against the wall. “Get the fuck off.” I slur, weakly grabbing and trying to pry hands off of me. I wondered where in all of the galaxies any fucking night patrol officer or even a droid could be, and why they weren’t putting an end to this.

“How about we take a visit to that training room? Huh? We could go looking for that spy you want so bad.” one chuckles. I then feel hot breath on my neck, lips beginning to nip at my skin.

My stomach drops at his touch and I move my hands to his chest and shove him away. He backs off but two others fill in the gap, securing both my hands against the wall. I wince and try to protest, but I am too lethargic and too feeble to act upon any anger I had within me. The multiple hands paw at my clothes, snaking their way under my shirt to roam my skin, fondling the waistline of my pants. I kick with what power I have, but quick fingers pinch my skin,  _ hard.  _ I cry out right as a hand covers my mouth. My normal reaction to  _ anyone  _ thinking they could even look at me twice in a wrongful manner would be anger, but in this moment I couldn’t reach far enough to act upon any. My emotions felt too far from my grasp as I slumped further and further into this trance-like state.

Another snickers. “I’m not waiting any longer, just move her into that supply closet over there.” I heard one say. Hands pulled me into a rigid body much larger than my own, forcing me somewhere else as other hands continued to rub my thighs. I felt sick to my stomach, unable to see against the blur correctly, unable to fight against these men. Had I trained them? If it were any other sober occasion I could  _ obliterate  _ them. Despite this, I was on a foreign plain where any means of combat were not found. Here, I was a victim. Helpless, useless.  _ Scared  _ of what came next.

I shuddered as I felt whoever I was pinned against lean over my shoulder to kiss my neck, biting lightly at my skin and lifting my shirt up higher to reveal my torso. I began to cry as an automatic response, my body reacting the only way it knew how to within all of this fear. It took all my effort to just cry, my legs going completely limp, not letting myself help them take me to my demise. More hands secured around my waistline, hoisting me off of the ground, only the tips of my boots skimmed the tiled floor below. 

“Hurry up.” one of them snaps. Before I know it, all the light around me vanishes, and I quickly feel hands go for my belt, unbuckling it. I continue to cry, circling my hands out in front of me in an act of desperation to hurt someone. The body behind me folded my arms back as he pressed my backside into him, to my utter disgust I could  _ feel  _ how excited this man was. “Let me see her belt.” Laughter ensued as someone snapped the leather together directly next to my ear. 

I began to let my mind wander off as I felt one of them unbutton my pants and hastily attempt to pull them down. My body had grown so numb that if I closed my eyes and concentrated hard enough, it was almost like this wasn’t happening. I did just that, feeling myself slip away as fingers dug into my bare thighs, roaming and curling around my backside and hoisting my legs higher up. 

I let my mind travel far and wide on its own, anywhere but within that supply closet. Too immobilized to feel any hands on my body, or the faint thudding in my chest. I even felt my mind wander to the Commander, emptily thinking of just him. No thoughts, no feelings stirred on the topic of him. It was just him and his face, similar to how he looked the day I discovered the man behind the mask. The gash on his face before he had it sutered, how much it must have stung as he sat there, talking to me. All those beauty marks that peppered his skin. How set his strong jawline was while those supple lips always protrude outward, taking away from his intimidation. There was a calmness to my rumination of him, albeit, fleeting.

A bright light abruptly peaked through the cracks between my lashes and I fought to open them slightly, squinting to watch the two men in front of me immediately drop to the floor. In unison, the one behind me also went completely limp with me in his arms. I felt all the air escape my lungs as I collapsed and landed on top of his body, my eyes rolling back as that imminent slumber fought with whatever will power I had left in me. All too quickly I lost, letting myself fade away.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi!! I'm editing the chapter to follow this one right now, and should be up soon! We're getting into some serious stuff and i'm sooo excited for the chapters to come. I would love input as to how everyone is liking it so far, I'd also love to hear anyone's hypothesis for what's to come! Anybody think they know what is coming? And always, thank you for taking the time to read!

I come to, feeling a soft, but firm mattress beneath me. As the lights in the room are astoundingly bright, I flutter my eyes open slowly and carefully. I can see I'm in the med wing, alone in one of the private rooms, different colored tubes connected to my lower left arm. I strain my head to inspect them, curious to what was being pumped into me. A pounding ache in my head struck me back down onto my pillow, my mouth growing dry and my stomach turning as I thought back on why I was here.

Drinks with Kaz, a  _ lot  _ of drinks. Entering the turbolift with her, gliding down the hallway… in her arms. Heading to her room. Did we enter? Did I get alcohol poisoning?

The mere thought of alcohol makes me wince, forcing my eyes shut tight as my heart races. Breathing becomes a focal point for me, giving my best efforts to push away the idea of how weak and helpless I felt in that moment. I lick my lips and exhale from my mouth, feeling even drier than the entirety of Tatooine. I want to leave, to resume back to the schedule I was just starting to get used to after coming back from Exodeen. Being here wasn’t within my character—drinking excessive amounts of alcohol to the point of making myself sick, and apparently in need of medical attention.

I noticed the makings of bruises on both sides of my upper arms and even,  _ teeth  _ marks? I shudder, sweat lining my brow. Had I gotten myself into some kind of tussle with a creature? A creature on the Death Star? I groaned, weakly lifting my arms to rub my palms against my eyes, defeated as I couldn’t think back on what had happened.

This was  _ tacky,  _ embarrassing for someone as respected as myself to act in such a manner. I reminded myself of my father, from the little memories I had of him during my childhood. The idea of him makes me feel even more nauseated so I shove it back down, the first conscious thought of my father that I’ve had in quite some time.

Nothing felt the same to me anymore, since returning from Exodeen. It’s almost as if the moment I was struck down in battle, my life did a complete 180. I didn’t feel right, I didn’t act right, I couldn’t  _ perform  _ right. Thoughts of the commander pressed into the forefront of my mind, almost forgetting about the two interactions I’ve had with him and how they concluded. What an embarrassment he must peg me down to be, no longer able to properly fight, unable to get a hold of my mind and the emotions they create. 

I stay silent, motionless in the bed, not wishing to speak to anyone and solidify my embarrassing actions had put me in here.

I couldn’t let myself decide if my life had gone down hill because of how my injury prohibits me from resuming my regular lifestyle, or if the thought of Commander Ren hounded my mind with such vigor that it made me  _ soft.  _ Maybe it was him, filling  _ my  _ mind with nonsense and weakening it. I shook my head to myself, knowing well enough that he would never waste his time on anyone like that. 

I shift slightly in the bed, my back sore from laying down. The pounding of my head keeps me still, not wishing to push it any further. I was disappointed in myself, for letting things get too out of my control. If Kaz wasn’t going to follow as my replacement after my injury, she was definitely going to if I kept up this kind of behavior.

A strong wave of realization abruptly came over me as I thought back onto the night I grabbed drinks with Kaz. It felt like someone had lifted a veil, making things more clear for me to decipher.

I recalled her acting somewhat odd, but I couldn’t put my finger on any distinct actions, my mind too hazy to think that intricately on a night that was so far from my reach. I remember being  _ angry  _ with her, confused even. For what reason? That piece of the puzzle was too far gone.

I grinded my teeth together, desperately trying to piece together the order things happened that night. At some point we left the bar, that’s when I know for certain I was angry with her. I could vaguely make out her facial expressions in the hallway right outside her quarters. Tense, agitated, as I was in disbelief. I think she had told me something I didn’t want to hear, maybe? I bit my lip, recalling stumbling away from her room and hearing her call out my name. I didn’t stay the night with her.

My breath grew rigid as the clouds lifted, falling onto the next piece of this puzzle. I could picture three tall figures,  _ men _ , sauntering around the area of the turbolift at the end of the hall. I could not remember their faces, I only remembered their intent. My breath hitched in my throat, caught up in new emotions as I could remember what they were trying to do to me. I tremble in the bed, feeling the beginnings of tears line my eyes as I took account of the scattered marks on my upper arms.

Despite how sickening it makes me feel, I push onward and think back to the hallway with those men. Their voices low,  _ threatening _ . I remembered feeling helpless and frustrated, unable to fight back against them. I remembered them picking me up and maneuvering me around as if I were an object, placing me into a different room; a dark room. Then, there was nothing. The rest of my mind was blank.

My bottom lip quivers as I desperately think about anything else. How  _ far  _ did they go? I didn’t feel any aches other than what was already stemming from my leg, my ribs, and the bruising on my arms. I prayed to the maker that they hadn’t made it  _ that  _ far, my fists balling at my sides as anger and sadness swirled in my mind, fighting against each other.

I dry heaved at the idea of these men having their way with me on this foreign plane I was not present for. They got to be with me while I wasn’t mentally there; I was merely floating around while they did as they wished. It pained me to think about being taken advantage of, them knowing things I didn’t. Getting to see parts of me I would have  _ never  _ allowed. They knew where I had been, what they did to me, while that part of the night felt like a dream to me. I felt betrayed as I couldn’t even remember what they were doing with  _ my  _ own body.

The thoughts matched the intensity of my throbbing head and I quickly leaned over into the waste bin next to me, gripping the edge of the bed to keep me steady while emptying my stomach in pure revulsion. My frantic hand wiped my mouth, sliding into the bed in an upright position, running my hands through my hair as the sour sting in my stomach subsided. I stopped fighting the urge to suppress a cry, letting myself empathize with what I had gone through, or at least what I knew had happened. 

Like many women, I have been manhandled on the battlefield, I have been over-sexualized by repulsing men standing in the way of my victories. I got to play into the anger they gave me, making their death more inevitable in my mind. It felt good to kill those kinds of men, whose intentions with me were so obvious it was almost as if their thoughts were displayed by their facial expressions and body language. There had been close calls in some situations I wound up in, times where I could have had some  _ serious  _ pain inflicted upon me by the hands of the enemy, and yet I always made my way out, basking in all the glory I felt after putting a necessary end to their lives. 

This particular instance was different. This time, I did not fight back. I did not get in the way of them taking what they wanted from me. I did not get to kill them.

I cried more, feeling the hot sting of my downfall for the first time in years. I was injured on the battlefield because of my negligence to keep a watchful eye behind me, but I did not fail to kill previous enemies. This loss was going to be imminent within me for the rest of my living days, because this time I let someone else take something from  _ me.  _ I was not the one to reign victorious in this situation, these men had won. 

The door to my right slid open, revealing a large 3Z3 medical droid as they walked into the room. The droid looked me up and down, I assume scanning and assessing me.

“Major Arkin, you have awoken, I see.” the droid buzzed. My chest continues to pulse and my body twinges from the sudden halt in my crying, not yet pleased with expressing the extent of my hurt and sadness just yet. The droid’s obvious observation annoys me, but I am too upset to even comment on the matter. If it were anyone else to walk in on my pity party, I would have been more upset. The droid continues.

“Your vitals seem to be much better than they were when you were brought here, you were mildly malnourished and dehydrated when you arrived.”

I frown, bringing my knees up to my chest carefully, minding my ribs. I want to comment, but the droid carries on.

“I found trace amounts of Rohypnol in your bloodstream, as well as a fair amount of alcohol. For what reasons did you ingest said drug? I must add the means of use to your file.”

I continue to frown, shaking my head and running through his words over and over in my mind. 

“Rohypnol is…” I search the blanket draped over my body for answers, and the droid fills in my blank spaces.

“The intermediate-acting drug used for pre-medication before surgical procedures. A strong anesthetic with means of rendering the user unconscious.”

I sit, dumbfounded, thinking back to my night with Kaz. I know for certain I only consumed alcohol at the bar with her, nothing else. The monitor beside my bed begins to beep frantically.

“My assessments of your facial cues and increasing heart rate tell me that you were unaware of ingesting said drug. Are my findings correct?” I meekly nod at the droid’s question, ashamed of his findings. His head turns upward the slightest bit, his eyes dimming as he speaks.

“I am now adding to your file, listing the consumption as unknown. Upon learning this, these matters will need to be brought to the General at once, disregarding your input.”

“That is fine.” I answer, his eyes brighten up again as his head turns toward me. “I will need a detailed description of your whereabouts, including where you were and who accompanied you the night you were brought to the medical wing, approximately two days ago.” he adds, I sigh.

Two whole days? Comparing what my mind was able to gather, and what the droid was telling me, didn’t make much sense. At what point would I have taken an anesthetic, and why would I have done it in the first place? I could not remember a time where I was presented with the drug, or even taking it for that matter. I knew for certain Kaz was not the type to get into drugs either, as it was forbidden for those who served the First Order.

As much as I disliked being so vulnerable in the med wing, speaking to this droid, I knew I needed to piece together what happened. I needed to know who those men were, so I could witness their death at the hands of the Supreme Leader.

“I grabbed drinks with Officer Kaz Myrena, one of my students. We were to discuss training protocols. I remember feeling out of my sorts when we left the bar, maybe after two hours of ordering alcoholic drinks. Kaz tried taking me back to her room to stay the night, but I didn’t want to. After leaving her room, three men attacked me and pulled me into a different room. That is… all I can recall.” 

The droid’s eyes dimmed once more, jotting everything down. I timidly ask, “When I was tested… was there any evidence of…” I trailed off, my throat tangling into a dry knot, too afraid to say it outloud and hear the answer.

“There were no traces of anyone else’s DNA found within you, only on your dermal area.” the droid answered. I let out a shallow sigh of relief. They  _ hadn’t  _ taken away anything from me. They assaulted me, but I now knew that they did not win. I questioned the droid further, feeling a bit of confidence filling and tingling within me.

“Those men, my attackers… have they been found? Or prosecuted yet?”

The droid stops taking notes, his eyes returning to normal as he sets his gaze back on me. He stays quiet for a moment before giving me an answer, such a human-like response for a droid to display.

“Your attackers were killed the moment you were discovered by your rescuer.”

So many twists and turns with this droid, my head continued to thud as I tried putting myself in the previous situation with these men, but I found no new discoveries. Dead? Someone had killed them upon finding me?

“Who brought me to the med wing, then?” I ask. Once again the droid stares before answering, surely withholding something.

“The answers you seek are classified, I’m afraid.”

I narrow my eyes, beginning to grow impatient with the droid. None of this was adding up in my mind, and I didn’t get to know who rescued me? Hearing this answer, as well as the idea of not being well enough to fight any time soon, caused me to feel like an outsider. I was no longer “in” on important matters. Once high ranking, excelling within my capabilities while doing my job, training others and making them into better,  _ stronger  _ fighters. Slaying my enemies on the battlefield, revelling in the high that the act of fighting,  _ killing _ gave me. That was my purpose, and now I felt on the opposite side of all those attributes. I felt bleak for the first time in my life, more than the first following days of helping out in the med wing.

My temper soars uncontrollably and I shake as it fills me.

“I am not  _ asking _ , I demand an answer. Who is my rescuer?” I try again, to no avail. The droid doesn’t falter, because he is a droid, after all. 

“I have assessed your distemperment and elevating choler. I apologise that my answer is not the one you are searching for, Major. I am thankful for you and all that you have given of yourself to the First Order within your years devoted to it, making it possible for me and other personnel like myself to carry on delivering what we have to offer safely. As I am only doing what has been programmed of me, I have been told not to speak to anyone, including you, of the identity regarding your rescuer. Once again, I apologise for not supplying you with the information you seek. May I suggest taking up any concerns with the General, as he may give you some kind of clarity you are looking for.” the droid speaks calmly, and carefully.

  
I simmer down, knowing that the droid has only been programmed to do as they are told by medical personnel. Becoming angry with the droid is pointless, no matter how much power I have over him. I disregard my disdain for the current situation, asking the droid for some water to quench my thirst. He happily obeys, exiting the room and leaving me alone with the one thought pertaining to whom my rescuer could be, though the idea of him lending a helping hand in my direction does not seem likely when considering his reputation. If it were him, it would create the idea that he  _ cares  _ to do so, and also has the power within him to empathize someone’s situation. From the alarming stories i've heard of him, I never once heard talk of him lending a helping hand to _anyone._ If there was anyone in all of the galaxies to be his reason, his muse toward stirring up any compassion that lies  _ deep  _ within him, I certainly did not think it could ever be me.


	8. Chapter 8

Following one more day of staying in the med wing to run tests, per medical staff’s orders, I was released to go about how I please. The first place I found myself was the door of the General’s personal office, after receiving word that he wanted to speak with me. On most days I would be reluctant to agree upon an informal meeting with the General, just him and I. 

We often caught up with one another at debriefings before the planned invasion of a certain planet, to where I would lead troopers to precise coordinates at the exact time that was expected. We were somewhat friendly, and sometimes unfriendly, clashing ideas across from each other in a meeting. 

He didn’t audibly doubt my capabilities per se, as I reigned successfully in my past endeavors, but I couldn’t help but feel that he had a secret, sexist agenda against me. I felt that at times he was able to get along with who I was as a person, but who I was as a trainer was not met to his standards. He seemed to respect me up front, but who knew what he said about me behind closed doors to his personal staff. 

As my position was usually taken, and carried out by a man, I could see that this could potentially tick him off. I found this ludacris; sex doesn’t matter when it comes to what titles we all hold above our heads. What matters is character, and our devotion to our cause. I happened to out-perform and rise above other men and women around me, and was appointed as a Major because I stood out from the others. There’s no special qualifications to this, I just so happen to be a woman while doing it. I was chosen because of my capabilities and my willingness to serve The Order no matter what my condition, nor the occasion. If Snoke could get on board with this idea, I couldn’t see why Hux had a problem with it.

Today, I stood outside of his office with confidence, feeling that I have already dealt with a wide range of my emotions within the past few weeks, as well as many tiring situations with different people, the Commander, Kaz, the three men. It had been an eventful few weeks, so speaking with the General shouldn’t present any more obstacles for me to jump through, I at least told myself it wouldn’t to keep myself calm.

The door slid open quickly and I obliged as he turned over his shoulder and beckoned me to enter, he was sifting through files within a cabinet against the wall.

The room was spacious, bigger than my office. He turned after putting papers back into their individual files, shaking off his cowl as he slinked into his seat gracefully. “Please, Major. Rest your leg.” he offers, motioning to the seat across him at his desk. I didn’t plan to stay long, staying standing would have ensured that. As he was my superior, I listened, feeling the lingering pain on the backside of my upper leg just as I was reminded of it. 

I let out a quick breath as I sat, pursing my lips as the air escapes through them. “Lively day, General?” I ask, my eyes flickering to the other papers spread out on his desk. He smirks, letting a small huff past his lips. “Not as lively as your week has been, I’m sure.” he begins, keeping the same grin on his face.

“You are quite the talk of the town, Major.” he adds. I swallow a lump in my throat, looking down at the papers on his desk to inspect them, training my mind to go elsewhere other than thinking back on those men. I blink my eyes and search for something logical to respond back with, but I am pinned, far too uncomfortable to give my failures any more thought. There is a silence between us and I feel his gaze fall back onto me due to my lack of response. He catches up.

“I apologise,” he shakes his head to himself, “that was not meant to be a jab at you, simply observing, that is all. How are you recovering?”

I sit back to show some kind of comfortability, too afraid he could actually see how vulnerable I was. My first conversation alone with a man since the incident. I crossed one leg over another and flattened out the shirt of my black uniform. So much darkness in this room, it’s hard to find somewhere for my eyes to settle that isn’t a muted color. I settle on his face and his neatly slicked back ginger hair. I sigh.

“I guess it has been  _ lively. _ ” I say, eyeing him. “I am not used to sitting back leisurely, so recovery has been somewhat difficult. Not my strong suit.” I admit to him as I stare off to the side of the room, falling onto a droid that was powered down in the corner. I felt that maybe I shouldn’t give too much information about myself away to him, when I am unsure if he is an ally of mine or not. 

“Ah, yes. I do not peg you as the type to be complacent with receiving orders to remain off the battlefield. I can see the restlessness in you.”

My eyes flicker back to him as I nod, unsure how to answer back. My eyes fall to the desk in front of him as we sit in silence for a few moments, before he moves.

He turns and pours himself a drink from the small cocktail area to the side of his desk. He offers and I decline, having no desire to consume any kind of alcohol for a long time.

I recall swallowing drink after drink with Kaz, knocking them back whole, feeling it wash down my throat and coats every inch of my insides with warmth. I suppress a shudder, sucking my tongue between my teeth to rid myself of the memory. Just the smell of his drink lingering in the air renders me uneasy. I didn’t believe it was even midday yet, and he was having a drink. The General remains unfaltered, setting his glass aside and then letting his eyes maneuver back on me.

A beat.

“I am terribly sorry to hear about what you were caught up in the other night… that would be terrible for anyone to endure. I hope you find peace knowing that those men were killed the moment you were discovered. Anyone willing to carry out an offense such as that, especially against someone as respectable as you, does not deserve their life.”

I nod; the General’s words have meaning, feelings of sympathy. I can appreciate that, even forgetting my past thoughts and opinions of him for a moment or two. My fingers rub together in a knotted pile on my lap.

“All medical personnel denied me the identity of who rescued me that night, would you know who that person would be?”

General Hux gives me an odd stare, one side of his mouth curling upward. Continuously growing, his mouth expands into a sneaky grin once he realizes I am genuinely asking, not playing any games with him. I jut my head out in confusion as he sits back in his seat, relaxing and resting his head into his hand as his elbow supports the weight on the desk.

“Our fearless Commander is a stubborn one, it seems.”

My breath delays in my throat and my mind begins to swirl at the mention of him, not quite sure how to let myself react in front of the General. Commander Ren  _ did _ rescue me, it was such an astronomical discovery to enter my mind. I felt a small warmth hum in my chest at the idea of him finding me, killing those men and bringing me to the med center. He didn’t have to do it all, but he did. I cleared my throat to hide my shock, shifting and crossing my legs over the opposite way.

“I couldn’t imagine why he would want that kept a secret, have you spoken with him beforehand?” the General asks, curiosity dripping from every word. His eyes are forward, piercing into me with such intensity, so intrigued by this. He’s brought to so much joy at the idea of Commander Ren trying to deal with his own matters in secret. It’s almost as if he suspects something, something I’m not even aware of yet. I fight to keep my voice calm, despite every signal my body sends my way to leave the room.

“No, I have not yet had the pleasure.” I mulled over past interactions with the Commander where I _did_ indeed have the pleasure, if you could call it that, of meeting with him. I did not think this was a safe place, in General Hux’s office, to admit to the discoveries the Commander and I have found between the two of us. 

I felt that even though General Hux was civil with me here, he would not hesitate the slightest bit when faced with the opportunity to turn me into higher divisions of the First Order, or even Snoke. I could see it so clearly, him spinning the tale that I was conspiring with Commander Ren on the grounds of treason, trying to overthrow the First Order. I knew he and Ren had a multitude of problems between them, never seeing eye to eye. It was obvious, Hux’s distaste for Ren, and you didn’t have to read his mind to figure that out. 

As well as this, it didn’t look good that I was down for the count, for the time being. My circumstances could surely enable me to turn on The Order, coming up with a plan to take it all down. The convenience of my injuries made it all look believable, like something I was capable of accomplishing. Even though this wasn’t the case, and I could never imagine betraying the First Order, Hux could make it a reality. For mine and Commander Ren’s safety, Hux didn’t even need to know Ren was even a passing thought in my mind.

“Not much of a pleasure at all, I will warn you. He will never be able to have such a civil discussion, like you and I are having, with anyone. He is far too temperamental; some may blame it on his upbringing, but it is just an excuse. He is incapable of decent behavior because he  _ lacks  _ any amount within him, I advise you to go about your life as it was before you knew this.” General Hux instructed with such hostility, and I nod in compliance. 

Unbeknownst to the General, I had already met with the more tame side of the Commander, fleeting, but it was there. I couldn’t help but think about how his day was going, how he was feeling,  _ why  _ he felt the need to keep this a secret from me. I also wondered what it was like to speak with Commander Ren, mask off, civilly. What matters he attends to on a daily basis, what he likes and dislikes about them. What his means of smalltalk were, if I were ever given the chance to hear them. Did he have hopes, or dreams? I pondered the idea of a full, gleaming smile spread across his face. I couldn’t picture it.

The General’s seat creaks as he shifts, bringing me back to the present. “I did call you here today to discuss matters of the spy; 1.7 million in this station, and we have traced their patterns to your line of division.”

He lets the last few words linger on his lips, eyeing me down more intensely this time. I raise my head proudly, nullifying any suspicions, real or comical, that it could possibly be me. He was using scare-tactics on me, maybe hoping I would submit to him and spew any secrets I kept to myself.

Again, with my injuries, it is believable for me to do something like this, on the grounds of conspiracy. As much as I honored serving The First Order, matters such as these with the General were tiring to deal with. People like him made my job difficult to go about, worried that there was always something for him to pick out and expand upon. I understood the need to rule out any and all possibilities of a potential spy, as our goal was to return civilization back to the stability that once promoted progress. This meant that sometimes your position, and ultimately the idea of you was questioned. Nobody was ever ‘safe’ here, it seemed. Everyone was expendable.  _ I  _ was expendable.

“One of your students also spread the information to stormtroopers, I hear. Word truly travels  _ fast _ around here.”

This time I shoot him an odd stare, one of my brows instinctively raising in question. This was how I knew he wasn’t to be trusted;  _ that _ was an obvious jab, relaying back to how quickly he had found out I was attacked the other night. 

I steadied my breathing, wondering what his angle was. At times he seemed to want me on his side, and other times he tried to instil fear into me. Was this fear to submit to him? Or the kind of fear he merely dangled over my head: not knowing everything about my situation, but knowing just enough to have the means to report me for treason?

“I’ve been notified of the matters, I also put an end to the circulation of the news. She has been warned.” I reassure, but leaning more into my own self-certainty than trying to appease him. He nods, eyes flickering down to my hands in my lap. A few moments pass and I take it as a chance to bid a goodbye to him.

“If that is all, General.” I start, flattening out of uniform and brushing my long ponytail off of my shoulders. He matches my body language, standing right after I do, answering back quickly.

“That Officer Myrena must get that insubordination from her teacher, wouldn’t you suppose?” He posed the question, stepping out from behind the desk and in front of me. I force my eyes from rolling into the back of my head at his snide remark, knowing nothing good could come from him speaking like that. He wasn’t trying to solve any problems, or speak of anything important with me. This whole meeting was a sham, he is only trying to get under my skin to reveal whatever information he is looking for. I realize this only now, toward the end.

I still couldn’t figure out his angle, why he was speaking to me in such a way. He could assume I am the spy, but even with the evidence at hand, I felt that there were many other candidates that fit the description he was looking for, maybe like the three that had attacked me the other night. Even if he thought I was the spy, why not pull the idea into the light?

When I thought about his question, it did raise my curiosity. She had to have gotten that from somewhere, she  _ knows  _ better than that. Even though she and I are great friends, I shouldn’t let that get in the way when she displeases me, she does answer to me after all. I hadn’t wished to meet with her since the attack on me, I knew I was cross with her, for reasons I could not remember. Was she mad at me too? I press my lips in a flat line, answering the General.

“I do not suppose so, General. I have not an insubordinate bone in my body.” I answer, leaning in a bit at the end and flashing a small smirk, but quickly letting it fade as my confidence is replaced by the fear within me I cannot shake. I feel my knees weakening as I panic on the inside.

I detest being within such a close proximity to him, but I needed to establish that I am unafraid, confident with myself and not hiding anything from him. He takes it a step further, quite literally closing in on me. Although the door to exit is behind me, a clear path to leave, I can’t help but feel trapped by his gaze. He clicks his tongue against his teeth to make a clicking sound, letting his eyes snake down my body. Yes General, I’m glad see you’re taking the attack on a woman serving The First Order  _ so  _ seriously.

As his head lowers, following the curve of my body I turn my head away and let my eyes widen while furrowing my brow in annoyance, blown away by how nonchalauntly he is acting in front of me, as if he doesn’t have a care in the world. I feel like a piece of meat again at the hands of yet another man. My heart picks up speed as I reflect on my previous inebriated state while those men assaulted me, comparing it to what I faced now.

My uniform is different from others, as I am ranked higher. The same black hue, slightly more form fitting. I did not feel very desirable in these clothes, but that didn’t stop him. My breath quivered in my chest as I flexed my jaw, unsure who was winning as my anger and fear competed within me to be most prevalent. I plead in my mind, making a silent bond with myself to ease away the uncomfortable pain this interaction gives me.

After I leave the General’s office, I do not wish to be in the presence of  _ any _ man for the rest of my week.

“I don’t believe it’s a mere bone in your body, Major. The  _ cadence  _ of your body, and the way you carry yourself is insubordinate enough.” he huffs in a low, raspy breath as he tilts his head back up with lustful eyes.

This time I audibly show my distaste for the inappropriate comment, letting my eyes roll as I shake my head in disbelief. He chuckles deeply as he sees me do so, satisfied by my reaction and how uncomfortable I have grown in front of him. Despite all these feelings, I still hold up my wall of confidence, not letting myself show any kind of weakness of fear aside from how heavily I was breathing.

“The two of you are so similar, you and Ren. You’re sure you’ve been truthful with me when you say you  _ haven’t  _ ever spoken with him?” Hux pushes forward, leaning in even more. I tilt my head upward more, trying to create the illusion I am unfaltering, although disgusted by his advances toward me. In doing so my chest pushes outward and his eyes fall downward, drinking me in. In all my time of knowing him, these are the first signs of him showing any kind of interest in me in this manner.

Before I can answer, he slips his fingers over my bottom lip gently. This time I yank away from his touch in bewilderment as I gasp, now aware that it was time for me to leave. There was no  _ real  _ business to discuss here.

“I have no desire to prove anything to you, General.” I boom, my voice faltering a bit as I try to wrap my head around his touch. So beyond invasive, so cynical. I watch him bring his gloved hand back to his chest, curling his fingers. “I have supplied you with everything you need to be satisfied with. I will see you at the next debriefing.” I finish, stepping backward and away from him, trying to express my point without being too disrespectful. The door slides open and I silently feel waves of relief to know I do not have to stay trapped in his office. Knowing that he has no mind-controlling tricks up his sleeve comforts me.

“I do hope to see you before then, Major. I will save a dance for you.” he calls out, his voice sultry and misleading. I don’t care to turn and look at him when he says this, I only continue past the room as it slides shut. I huff, turning the corner and leaning against the wall when any potential passersby are out of sight. I had forgotten about one of the only occasions where formal wear is a must, at the banquet. There wasn't anything formal to really call it, all there was to it was remembering those we have lost while our victories were celebrated. If there was any major news to commend, it would definitely be done there. I stew at the idea of dressing up at a time like this, I could accept it any other time but now. My knees wobble as all the adrenaline within me slowly circulates down; I feel as if I’ve escaped death at the hands of a giant creature.

I had hoped the interaction wasn’t going to be anything bad, but still expected some kind of stir from him in the wrong direction. I  _ didn’t  _ expect him to act like  _ that _ , I wasn’t aware he was capable of making me feel so small, so threatened by just his presence, violated by his simple touch. By means of combat, I believe he and I were at a fairly equal level. He didn’t fight in combat on any kinds of missions we’ve been on, so I believed I had the upper hand if it ever came down to it. 

He had the element of The First Order on his side, spending time with the Supreme Leader, far more accredited than I was. He was believable, trusted, and not as expendable as I was. He had the ability to ruin me, and I needed to tread lightly around him. What I wasn’t okay with, was the harassment. If that was something I would have to put up with, especially when presses on after he’s aware of what’s recently happened to me, I would need to figure out a way to put an end to it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing Hux this way was soooo fun, lmao. You guys are gonna love the next chapter, because I know I doooo.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was hella fun to write, I hope everyone is enjoying! I'm really excited to continue this story. Let me know what you think of this chapter, and tell me what you think will happen later on! Anyone think they know what's going on/who the spy is? Virtual hugs to everyone, stay safe and healthy. Thank you immensely.

I wiped my lips at the thought of him and pushed off of the wall, starting my way down the hall. I stick to the rule I gave myself, not wanting to work with any men, or even troopers for at least the day. I needed to spend some being productive in a different sense, working toward the betterment of myself. I let my feet carry me to the training area, entering the hall as I knew one of the training rooms would be open and didn’t have any classes for the time being.

Upon walking through the doors I see everything in pristine condition, equipment cleaned and polished, plush training dummies lined up neatly, zip lines all set up in their places and ready to go. This room had not been used yet today, it was too early.

This time I tell myself I am here to see what I am capable of,  _ not  _ to push myself beyond my limits. I needed to remember to stay mindful, injuring myself beyond my state now could result in worsening my chances of fighting again in the future, which scared me straight enough to abide by it. I was able to walk without drawing too much attention to my limp, thanks to the medication I took.

I swallow down any nerves I could possibly have, wondering if it’s too soon for me to be training after everything that has gone on. I walk up to the wall of weapons, once again reaching for the electro staff. I feel it’s weight in my hands as I get used to the foreign feeling.

I am here to see my capabilities, not to push myself.

I put an end to these thoughts, pressing a button alongside the wall and walking to the center of the room.

I am here to see my capabilities, not to push myself.

I repeat this in my mind, making myself believe it through repetition. I forced a grin on my face, trying to enjoy it. It’s what I loved. A beep rings throughout the room.

I am here to see my capabilities, not to push myself.

I exhale, a second beep ringing out, signalling it is almost time. I switch the electro staff on and watch it glow bright red, illuminating the dark room as it radiates and sputters heat against the side of my leg. 

The final beep sounds off as I repeat my mantra once more, silently to myself.

Two droid-like figures fly out of the compartments of the ceiling, one racing toward me on the left and another on the right. I stand still as long as I can, finally ducking down to the ground as they fly past where my head once was, nearly colliding into each other. They circle the room, quickly turning and assessing my whereabouts to track and follow once more.

They glided toward me and I lunged forward, swinging the staff and knocking one out of the air. The droid short circuits from the intensity of the blow, fizzing as sparks fly when it hits the ground across the room.

The second one is sneakier, hearing it whiz behind me. I duck once more, sticking my left leg out to balance myself. The object quickly returns, dipping down to my level. I quickly ascertain I would be too slow on my bad leg to stand and deflect the flying droid, so I opt for a ground-based attack. Just before the droid is able to reach me I duck, bending my legs and leaning backward until my rear and my backside are resting slightly on the ground. I rest my head on the floor while keeping my arm out, staring at the ceiling. All at once I twirl the staff as it connects with the droid, coming to an abrupt stop as it shreds into pieces and falling all around me.

Three more beeps sound out and I am able to get to my feet before the last one finishes, watching three, faster droids expel from the compartments in the ceiling. I grin, taking the staff in both hands this time and crouching down slightly, ready and excited for the next round. I half expect Commander Ren to be behind me, similar to the last time I trained in this room. A warm sense kindles within me at the thought of the connection between us, as alarming as it was, it felt special to me. As I snap back into the present I see he is not there. I shook off the idea of him as quickly as he entered my mind. 

I get lost in an hour more of training, growing significantly tired the more I progress through the levels. I finish the last level, huffing as I switch the staff off, the sputtering red tendrils coming to an end. I observe the many fallen droids around me, taking it all in with a grain of salt, but still letting myself celebrate this small victory. 

I grab a water, gulping it down and finishing an entire bottle. I clear my throat, an odd tingling sensation arising. I frown, grabbing another water and chugging more. I rub my throat, clearing it some more. I assume I was  _ beat. _

I was sweaty and panting, but I made it through the levels without getting hurt, or collapsing. A few times I was unsure of myself, but I persisted and made it out intact. I didn’t have to  _ kill  _ anyone today, I could work at it. Slowly and surely, I could get better with time. In this moment, I felt the most pure sense of happiness for the first time in a long time. I closed my eyes, breathing a still breath through my nose and relishing my new accomplishment.

_ Impressive, Major. _

My eyes peel open and my breath falters a bit, too timid to turn and look to see if he was in the room. A hot wave of embarrassment falls over me, wishing he didn’t have to see me in such a worn down state, immediately after finishing my workout. I feel  _ it  _ within me, as strong as ever, ensuring that he was in the room. It was like a warm surge backward, in the direction to where he was standing by the entrance of the room. The longer I waited to turn, the more I could feel myself filling up with this warmth.

I try to put on a confident demeanor and yet, is it worth it infront of him? He can see right through me, so what is the use of pretending to be something I’m not? 

I release myself from my own frozen state, slowly turning to see him across the room. A small part of me is happy to see him, I can even feel the heat multiply, expanding from my chest to the tips of my fingers and toes. My lips quivered and I feel as if I could smile, but I suppress it.

It is exhilarating and I find it hard not to show how thrown off I am in front of him. I try slowing my mind, not wanting to expand upon too many ideas at once and overload myself. 

Amongst this heat, the anger within me is alarming, but I don’t necessarily feel it. I can sense that it’s there at my grasp for me to act upon, understandably so when regarding past interactions with him. I do not reach for it, I simply leave it be within me. I don’t fake anything, I don’t gravitate toward any emotion that could be troublesome for this current interaction, even though I definitely could. I don’t wish to fear him, or start anymore trouble between us. I hungrily wish to know how it’s possible for me to view my emotions and tap into them. I yearn to learn more about what is currently filling me to the brim, and  _ why  _ it is so out of my control in his presence. 

_ Thank you, Commander. _

The thought I push forward is so easy, so effortless to send directly to him. Feelings of elation overcome me as he walks up to me, keeping a few feet in between us. I feel my heart thud fast in my chest, a likeness to small insects flying around in my lower abdomen. The warmth filling me up is no longer bearable, so intense and uplifting that I audibly shudder in front of him, blinking rapidly to focus my sight that has begun to blur. It was incredible, the amount of energy that was always with me, choosing to erupt when he was around, now more than ever before.

I grew worried that he could hear my thoughts, or sense my frantic feelings toward him and how hard I tried to push them down. I blurted out the first thought I could grab a hold of in my mind in order to fill the silence.

“I think the General knows about us.” I find myself on edge, awaiting his reply as my body pulses with a heat as warm as the sun’s rays. My eyes eagerly ran across the length of his helmet; my anticipation was almost shameful.

His mask cocks to the side the smallest bit.

“Us?” he repeats. I stammer, embarrassed even further. I feel somewhat faint as the burning inside me lowers to a simmer. The uncomfortableness stemming from my throat became more and more prominent, so I cleared it.

He stands so tall, such a solid mass directly in front of me. His confidence was dizzying to be in the presence of, such an impressively impenetrable force.

“Us, as in, whatever is going on with  _ this _ .” I say, motioning between our heads. “I mentioned that we’ve never met, but I don’t think he believes me.” I itch my arm nervously.

He shakes his head. “He is not to be trusted.” The low reverberation showed some annoyance in his tone. I smirk the smallest bit at his comment.

“He told me the same thing, regarding you.” I can see him visibly annoyed, but I still wish he would take the damn mask off. It was like having a conversation with a puppet. He doesn’t answer, only continuing to look in my direction. It seemed so easy to do while concealing facial expressions.

“So, to what do I owe the honor?” I ask, making light of the situation and filling the ever growing silence between us. I believed that this was the first normal beginning to a conversation we’ve ever had. No anger, no force-strangling. Just two people, conversing with one another.

“I was in the area, I could hear your incessant thoughts as you trained.” his voice box purrs. I decide to question further, not content enough with his answer.

“If I remember correctly, you told me you did not wish to ever see me again?” I pose the question. He stays put, not answering. 

My eyes flicker to the ground, growing tired of speaking to his mask. I am so afraid to say it outloud in fear of being too demanding of my own Commander, so I send my thoughts to him instead.

_ Can I speak to you, and not the mask? _

I flicker my eyes back to him when I finish, awaiting his answer. My torso stings with nerves, my body apparently so on edge in front of him. For a moment I thought he wouldn’t comply and simply ignore my request, but my heart is tugged ever so slightly when I noticed his hands go to the latches of his helmet. With a hiss it releases and I watch him pull it off in a calm matter, probably the first time around me. I rub my torso as my arms are neatly folded in front of me, feeling such a relief when I do so.

He sets his helmet onto the ground, rising back up to brush his hair out of his face. He is clean, his wavy hair falling onto the tops of his shoulders. The scarring on his face had healed even more, now only a faint line across the side of his face. He seemed different, more poised. I guess all of our other encounters were at higher stakes, when he assumed I was a trader. I couldn’t read the expression on his face, and it worried me.

“You’ve been projecting a lot lately, especially within the last few days.” he continues, it is nice to hear his normal tone of voice compared to the static that came along with his helmet, I preferred it this way. Even though I was already well aware of his ability to hear me so often, I still found my cheeks growing red with bashfulness when he drew attention to it.

“I apologise, a lot has happened. General Hux,” I clear my throat, scratching at it. “General Hux had me in an odd predicament earlier.” I finished, swallowing hard at the desert in my throat. I reached for my water and drank, earning an odd stare from the Commander.

“Predicament?” he asks. I nod, specifying further. “He had called me in to speak about the potential spy, but over time I realized his intentions weren’t genuine.” I shake my head at the thought of it, watching his jaw tighten as I do so. He nods.

“I suppose he deems me as the spy.” I add, comically. I searched his face to try and understand the expression he adorned, but I still failed to grasp it. I wanted badly to lessen the obvious tension between us, to have a normal meeting for once and maybe speak about why we were obviously connected.

I furrow my brow, seeing that he doesn’t let up with his callous demeanor. The whole point of asking him to remove his mask was to have a better understanding of him, so we could figure things out. I remind myself to stay calm and tread lightly, finally understanding and choosing to shed light on the matters he won’t discuss out loud.

“You think I’m the spy.” I say just above a whisper and give him a nod, tilting my head upward at him. He doesn’t answer and I take that as an answer in itself, his facial expression so hardened and impenetrable. I laugh, forcibly pushing down the urge to explode. I walked passed him silently, vexxed beyond belief. If he wasn’t going to talk, there was no need to try and force it, for the sake of my own sanity.

“I have not dismissed you, Major.” he retorts, and I stop to turn around to him.

I go to speak but end up coughing, clearing my throat as it grows more uncomfortable. I breathe out a calm breath to steady my nerves.

“Then answer me.” I begin quietly, letting my eyes plead into him. His mouth stays closed but twists around like he is trying to find the right words to say. I grow tired of the silence.

“I can’t believe you haven’t moved on, I’m not controlling any of  _ this. _ ” I murmured, keeping my voice low and steady. “I faithfully serve the Order, without any strife toward it. You need to look elsewhere for this spy.” I tell him, rubbing the back of my neck. I can feel the last few words out of my mouth sting with heat, but I suck in a breath to steady myself. He narrows his eyes, watching me as I do so. I see him scowl as he turns away, looking anywhere but me when he finally chooses to speak.

“I don’t even know what to think of you.”

I blink a few times, rubbing my cheek as I’m taken back by how blunt his comment was. “What is there to think about? It’s cheap to think of me so low, after all I have sacrificed for our cause.” I answer back, even though his comment wasn’t thrown directly at me.

“None of this makes sense, there isn’t a logical explanation as to why the force would choose you. You are controlling this, all of it.” His voice grows a bit louder. Once again he doesn’t say this directly to me, as he is letting his eyes roam along the ceiling of the training room.

Now, I’m confused. “The force? How can you be so sure this is my doing? Have you ever hypothesized that maybe  _ you  _ created this between us?” I shake my head, trying to wrap my head around what he is getting too, but it is far too difficult.

He ignores my question, pacing in front of me as I see him become increasingly irritated. “You’re too  _ loud,  _ and too often corrupting my mind. The only logical explanation is that you are purposely trying to take me down, from the inside.” He seethes, more of that anger coming to the surface. He was returning back to the man I had always heard of. His rebuttal was similar to the one he gave in this training room the previous time we had spoken.

I choke on my answer back to him, and he cuts in to add on to his argument. “There is an obvious darkness in you, I can feel it constantly around me. And you want to cloud me with it.”

I grow somewhat embarrassed by how sure of himself he is. “I don’t know you! How could I ever manage to do  _ that?  _ How could I ever benefit from what you have to offer me?” I ask, my voice raising. He looks over at me, finally. He seems somewhat hurt by my comment, and attacks back, although I did not intend for him to take it that way.

“You are  _ nothing  _ but a virus, and I’ve had enough of you.” He flares directly toward me, his words cut like a knife through me. Not long ago we were having a somewhat normal conversation, but any hope of returning to that was nowhere to be found.

I open my mouth to speak on something thought out and calculated, but I realize it is of no use to me now. The anger within me is almost begging me to let it out, simmering and steaming, awaiting it’s time. I oblige and all too quickly it consumes me, diminishing any other emotions from it’s path. I let out a laugh as my lips pressed together in a smile, motioning my head downward the slightest bit and keeping eye contact.

“Funny you say that, after saving my life the other night.” My voice shakes as the words pass my lips, my body trembles with all I have to offer him. Almost like a caged animal waiting to break out, I wait to deliver my blows in a timely fashion.

He freezes, the malice radiating from him dies down. The expression on his face is actually somewhat pleasing, knowing I  _ had  _ him. I nod, lifting up the material on my sleeve to frantically scratch my arm. I cough, clearing my throat before speaking. My heart rate increases so dramatically that my breath grows shallow, and fast.

He takes a moment to answer, almost like he’s been injured, he needs a moment to recollect himself. “ _ You  _ had been reaching out to me all night.” he growls low, as if he’s straining himself to keep the lid secured on his inner rage. If it weren’t revelling in all the hatred I had for this man, I would have felt a good amount of embarrassment. I had been reaching out to him despite how drunk I was, and he obliged. This didn’t matter now, what’s done was done. Now, all I wanted was to rile him up to get an actual reaction from him. I could no longer accept the deceit he let pass his lips.

“I know you killed those men, too. And by your logic, it doesn’t add up.” I let out a laugh. “Saving the life of a spy? Your story is overlapping, Commander.” I add, letting the last part drip with my disdain for him; I like how it makes me feel in the moment, so pleasurable to side with my anger. Equipment lining the walls rumbled slightly, as if giant’s footsteps shook the walls of the training center. I found the more I let my anger grow, the longer the weapons continued to rattle around us.

He raises his brow, momentarily noticing the walls surrounding us, then bringing his attention back to me. “You needed help. Would you rather I left you there? To your death?” He asks through half-gritted teeth, his jaw bone standing out so prominently amongst his other facial features. I was getting to him.

I go to speak, but I am unable to suppress my coughs that come out, keeling me over. I look up at him, nowhere near finished with evening him out. “If you were truly  _ his  _ grandson, you would have trusted your judgement and let the potentiality of a spy  _ die _ .” I seethed, heaving as my breaths are rigid and quick, almost painful.

This is what does it for him. He quickly juts his hand out in front of him, reaching for me and I brace for impact, knowing for certain he will have me flying across the room. But this does not come, instead he lowers his arm as his eyes stay fixated on me. His brow retreats from furrowing in anger to raise in disbelief. I watch all the color quickly drain from his face right as the walls around us are silenced.

I then feel my vision cloud, and I rub my eyes to clear them, assuming he had done something to me, as punishment for disrespecting him. I feel a warm, sticky substance on my palms, and as I squint my eyes open I notice blood. Abruptly upon findings I watch the Commander’s eyes bulge from their sockets, feeling the thick liquid stream from my eyes as if I were crying, trickling down my cheeks and onto my uniform. I go to yell but instead I cough, splattering blood onto my lips as the taste of copper fills my mouth. I frown, spitting onto the ground as the blood thickens in my throat. 

I collapse onto the floor in utter shock, only realizing that the Commander is not controlling any of this as I watch him disappear from his spot on the floor and through the door in a flash. I shriek as I feel the blood pour out of my nose, raising a frantic hand to cover it with my sleeve. This was not anywhere near a normal bleed, it was like a faulty faucet that wouldn’t shut off. I gag, gargling on blood as I spit up even more onto the floor in front of me.

I cry out, choking on the blood and rolling onto my side to let it stream out of me, so it didn’t clog my airways. To my amazement amongst my scarlet stained vision, the Commander comes running back into the training room, sliding across the floor and down onto the ground to be by my side. He wastes no time, instantly helping to hold me up as I begin to feel weaker and weaker at the sight of the blood around us. I hold up my hands, observing the red splotches covering my skin.

A sob escapes my lips as I look at him, sputtering out blood onto his uniform. At first I panic and writhe at his side, finding it so hard to breathe and clear my airways of all the blood. My arms finally give out from beneath me and he quickly pulls me into him. He is shaking against me as his arms envelope me, pulling me closer into his lap. He wipes under my eyes, helping clear my vision. 

I continue to cry, having experienced nothing like this before, unsure what had caused it. He runs his gloved fingers over the blood that pools from my mouth and nose, clearing my airways. He has a frightened expression on his face but does a good job at not physically panicking, beginning to gently rock us both back and forth.

My ears are puddling with blood, and I can feel the warmth fill my eardrums completely before it spills out onto the Commander and I. I try to speak, but I choke on the blood that coats my throat. It’s increasingly hard to breathe, between my cries and the continuous flow of the blood. My entire body itches but I am unable to focus on relieving myself.

I grip the sleeve of his uniform, trying to make out his name. He shakily runs a gloved thumb on the side of my neck as he steadies me. I can see he hushes me when I fail to say his name, his other hand continuously wiping my eyes and mouth, or simply brushing my hair back and caressing the side of my face. I find it easier to relax my body and stop putting up a fight, the taste and smell of blood so consuming.

He notices the obvious lull of my body and is very noticeably scared, but continues to help me.

He talks to me as his eyes glue to my own, but I am unable to hear as he is not speaking loud enough for me to hear beyond muffled ears. I watch him turn his head and feel his body quake against mine when he shouts something toward the door with all his might. I make out something about our whereabouts, but his voice breaks in the middle and I am unable to decipher what else is said. I yank on his shirt, watching him turn back to me hurriedly. 

My eyes continue to forcibly blink away the redness that clouds my vision, so sticky and warm as it drains out of me. My body grows feeble at the loss of blood, shuddering as I am overcome with chills. He seems to notice and pulls me closer into him as his body warms me up, leaning his face closer to mine and continuing to speak, giving me the softest of smiles and nods of reassurance, despite how much he rattles above me. I feel my heart flutter weakly at the sight of his smile, so soft and warm as it is comforting.

I can actually feel the blood I accidentally let go down my windpipe, filling my lungs, but I am too powerless to sit up. I choke and gargle and he continues to to help me sit up, relentlessly. His face stays close enough for me to feel the heat of his breath on my cheeks, still cradling my body against his. It’s just about as comforting as it possibly could be in this situation.

His head whips toward the door, and he blares so loud that this time I can hear him when he screams, “HURRY.”

A man and a droid, followed by other medical personnel sprint into the room, gathering around me on the ground. I see Commander Ren bark and snap at them, his face growing red amongst the specks of blood that cover him. 

It overcomes me that the Commander is in the company of those lower than him, without his helmet on. He doesn’t seem to show any signs of caring, I hear his muffled orders as he snaps at the medical staff. I see one of the compartments on the med droid open, and the man grabs a vile, filling up his needle with a bright green liquid. 

He quickly injects into my neck and I am unable to even flinch as I feel it pierce through my skin. The Commander is huffing against me as I look up at him in amazement, shocked he’s still here. Quickly, I feel a break in my chest, the blood clearing and allowing me to gulp in air to fill my lungs. I weakly cough up the remainder sitting in my lungs and whatever is left in my throat. 

The Commander stays by my side as more people surround us to stick my arms with needles connected to blood bags. I fight off the embarrassment that pangs my mind, someone that had been through many battles, seeing them through and walking away from them with my life. To what? Fall ill after a training session? I wheeze and he continues to attentively clean my face of any pooling blood, making it easier for me to hear and breathe. I notice he is still rocking both of us, back and forth softly.

I remember how only minutes ago we were at each other's throats, and now he was saving my life, yet again. I want to thank him for staying, for helping me, I want to apologise for saying such mean things to him, taking them all back at the closest chance I could. Regretting all the anger I let get the best of me yet again. I find myself too weak to properly form together what I’d like to say, so instead I rest my head against his chest, pulling his clothing to help myself scoot closer to the heat that radiated from him. I let out a shaky breath as I blink away tears that form in my eyes, unprepared to even begin to think about how this happened as my stomach stings from the blood I have swallowed down.

Although the blood had stopped running, his hand remained caressing the side of my face, his thumb slowly rubbing the curve of my cheek bone ever so slightly, the other arm wound against my backside, his hand placed to keep me secured against him. I closed my eyes as I grew fond of his touch and the warmth he supplied me with, feeling drained and ready for however long this sleep would be. As I let myself drift off I hear one of the med staff mention poisoning, and I hear the Commander speak to the med staff. His voice pulsates against the side of my face, his words booming and filling every corner of the room. 

“This has been the second attack from the spy. Alert the Supreme Leader at once.”


	10. Chapter 10

**Kaz leans in and kisses me forcibly in the doorway to her room, pulling my body closer into hers. I grasp onto her arms but she steadies herself, molding her lips onto mine as she parts my lips with her tongue and glides her way into my mouth. Her mouth suctions onto mine so violently that she begins to draw all the air from my lungs. I continuously slam my hands against her chest, eventually snaking my hands around her neck and squeezing as hard as I can. She is unphased, continuing to scoop the life out of me and transfer it to herself, lessening me as I feel myself become faint.**

**With no other options to me, I decided to clamp my teeth down onto the fleshy mass that was her tongue, biting as hard as I possibly could. I continue to do so, hearing her scream so shrill it almost deafens me completely, watching her eyes dart open as her fingernails dig into my skin. I continue to bite down,** **_hard_ ** **, not concluding despite her screeching. I only stop once I’ve noticed my top row of teeth pierce through the flesh and meet my bottom set. She finally unbinds herself from me as she stumbles onto the ground, I spit and wipe my mouth, coming to terms with how raw my mouth and lips felt. She seethes on the ground as I bolt down the hallway, still hearing her scream my name.**

**As I continue down the hall, her screams turn more sinister, into a deeper, darker voice I am not familiar with. I feel weak and innebreated, my body begging to shut down and sleep as I will my eyes to stay open. I am abruptly slammed against the wall, knocking me almost unconscious from impact. I look to see a man with two others wandering behind him, following their way closer to me. I throw a punch immediately but miss, my entire body plunging forward with the force of my punch.**

**One of the others grabbed me, reeling me into them and pinning my arms back. They scream and laugh like animals, no distinct human words coming from them that I am able to make out. Their sharp tongues lap up my skin, traveling up my neck, curving around my jawline and up the length of my cheek. I shudder and try to cry, but I find my voice is gone. I open my mouth as wide as I can, taking in a gulp of air and expanding my lungs to their fullest content. I go to scream, but I am silent. I feel tears roll down my cheek and the men lick my face clean, digging their fingers into my exposed skin once they have untucked my shirt.**

**I hear an audible, satisfied moan come from one by my right ear, and immediately after he leans closer and bites into my cheek. I attempt to scream, although there is silence, I push any and all amounts of air within my lungs and empty them completely, the pain unbearable. He pulls back, ripping flesh from the bone and chewing it with a smile on his face.**

**One that is kneeling from the floor licks up the length of my torso and bites down, forcing his head back to do the work as he tears a chunk of flesh from my side. I continue to try and scream, so sure of myself that I can accomplish it if I continue trying. Even though I can’t hear myself, I can** **_feel_ ** **my vocal chords frying, as if my voice was being run completely dry.**

**I kick around as much as I’m able to, looking at the third man who is readying himself to take a bite out of my neck. I feel that familiar sense of warmth within me, stemming from my chest and reaching every inch of my body as it pulls me forward to** **_him._ ** **Before the man takes another bite he freezes, as do the two at my sides. I feel them slowly release their grips on me as they shift away from me and are raised into the air. Their mouths drip with blood as I watch their eyes bulge from their sockets, clawing at their throats for a breath of air that has been taken away from them.**

**I place a hand over my mouth as their necks forcibly jut out, their heads twisting around their bodies with a very loud snap that echoes throughout the hallways. They fall limp on the floor, to reveal Commander Ren standing behind them, no mask in sight. As I tremble and shake in front of him he looks down at me with sympathy, coming even closer. He places a hand on my cheek, closing his eyes and focusing his might onto me.**

**The blood leaking from the bites on my body slowly clot, no longer gushing. I feel the skin overlap the open gashes, healing completely. I don’t feel a thing, and yet I look down to my side and see no signs of any wounds. I look back up at him and he gives me a small smile. I very obviously feel the warmth within me,** **_between_ ** **us, pulling me forward to him. I open my mouth to speak, unsure of what I even want to say, and yet I am still unable to speak.**

**“Major…” he begins, peering deeply into me as I feel how far gone I am in whatever spell he has on me. I feel such a stupendous amount of energy swirling within me, and I feel what I need to do.**

**_Commander…_ **

**As soon as I finish reaching out to him, a heavy darkness emerges from behind him, slowly beginning to fill the floors and the walls of the hallway we are in. It surrounds us extensively, and the Commander gives me a confused look, his eyes searching over my face as if he’s looking for something. Once again I open my mouth to speak, but to no avail. I try to reach out again but I am unable to, feeling so far away from him even though he is standing inches from me. As soon as I see the darkness latch onto me, I feel a bolt of pain surge throughout my entire body, burning every cell of my being.**

I forcibly pulled myself from the dream, the pain feeling all too real as my hands ran over my bare skin. I sat up in my bed, shivering as I recall the dream and how lifelike it had felt. I wipe my face, collecting beads of sweat and rubbing them on my pants, noticing I was still in my uniform. I stared into the darkness of my bedroom, checking the time to see it was in the earlier hours of the morning, not too far away from the normal time I chose to start my day. Mostly all would be sleeping right now.

I gulped down the water on my nightstand as I came down from the high the dream had given me. I still hadn’t seen Kaz since the night I left her quarters and was attacked; this dream made me even more unsure of my next encounter with her. What did it all mean? Was this a way my brain had decided to deal with all the trauma had I recently faced? 

The Commander was also in my dream,  _ that  _ aspect was what felt the most lifelike to me. I knew this was no ordinary dream because I was still able to feel the humming warmth within my chest, beating lightly. I knew he wasn’t around, but it meant something. Was he thinking of me as well? 

_ Did you feel that too? _

I project in confidence, and quickly regret doing so. I place both hands beside me and onto the bed, grounding myself. My actions weigh down heavily on me, he and I were not  _ friends. _ I couldn’t just reach out to him and expect an answer, not from the Commander of the First Order. Acting on an impulse like this was not normal for me.

On top of this, I had never been able to reach out to him in his absence. I wasn’t strong enough with whatever I had to reach him. I felt foolish, lamenting over how quickly I felt the need to project to him. Within my own vulnerability, I only wanted to know if he had experienced the dream as well. He  _ must  _ have, the energy was there, he had felt so close.

I reflected back onto the training room, everything suddenly coming back to me. The argument I had with Ren, how angry I let myself get, letting myself say those terrible things. To be fair, he gave his fair amount of jabs toward me, but as I ruminated on it all, I felt that my actions were worse. 

I sought out the reasons for someone to poison me, and who would have been able to achieve it. I felt my blood begin boil but I put an end to the thoughts, as there was no need to start my day with such feelings. There was nothing useful to find.

Because of the loss of blood in the training room, I let myself fall asleep in the arms of the Commander. I could faintly remember him standing carefully as he carried me out of the center. I fell deeper into that sleep shortly after, so I had assumed he delivered me to my quarters. I scolded myself for drifting off so quickly, without even thanking him. After everything I had thrown at him, the  _ least  _ I could have managed to commend his help.

My heart ached lightly at the thought of him returning me, him and I alone in my quarters. Once again, showing some of that compassion that was buried deep within him. Maybe General Hux was incorrect, maybe all the stories I had heard from countless people were wrong. If he was the monster everyone depicted him to be, he wouldn’t have saved my life  _ twice. _

I pulled my hair from the ties that held it up in place, letting it cascade down my shoulders as I fluffed it up, itching my scalp of dried blood and letting out a yawn. As I rubbed my face I felt remnants of sticky blood that had been wiped away. He cleaned off my face?

I fell back into bed, stretching my limbs as I felt the annoyance of wearing my bloody ‘work’ clothing in bed. 

I thought about the Commander entering my quarters without needing me to be conscious for it, as he must have had some kind of access to all rooms within the Death Star, making all the sense it needed to since he was high up in the hierarchy. Even beginning to think about the expansive list of people who worked on the Death Star, the small part I played into it, falling into the ranking of the hierarchy, was overwhelming.

I focused back to whenever he had brought me to my room, coming to realize I was unable to remember anything, too far into my slumber. I pictured him entering, maybe unsure of the landscape of my quarters, but eventually finding my bedroom. He obviously laid me down and took off my boots and gloves, I looked over the bed to see my gloves neatly placed on my bedside table, my boots together and upright a few feet away from my bed.

I laid back down, twirling my hair between my fingers, chewing my bottom lip softly. How long was he in my bedroom for? He had placed my blankets over me to keep me warm, did he stay for long? Did he watch over me for a bit, to ensure I was okay to be left alone? Would he be able to sense if I needed help? 

The arrant idea of him being alone with me in my quarters stirred up a lot of feelings that weren’t always something I could just tap into. These feelings were different, a longing for someone that turned, dare I say, lustful. Wishing and hoping that they felt the same, that they were doing the same. Even if this didn’t make sense. If the idea of  _ him  _ didn’t make sense, these budding feelings were too strong for me to simply push aside.

So often I was angry, scared, uncomfortable or threatened. The idea of leaving my quarters worried me, as there had been a personal attack on me twice within a short amount of time. For all I knew, my weakened status could have been the perfect opportunity for someone to strike me down and finish me. What was in store for me out there was unknown, but in my bedroom, I was free to think about whatever I wanted. I didn’t have duties, I didn’t answer to anyone. I could let my mind expand upon whatever, or  _ whoever  _ I wished. I wanted to do just that, at least for now.

He was capable of being a helpful and caring person, I felt like I was the first to ever discover this. It made me feel special, incomparable to anyone else. When he made the decision to help me in the training room, it was like he had flipped a switch and turned into someone else. I didn’t recognize him, but I liked it. This was a different kind of response I had gotten from within our few and fleeting interactions. It was one of the more genuine connections, if you could call him tending to me as I lay in his lap in a puddle of my blood a connection. Had I been the only one subject to his lighter, more gentle side?

I tug at my shirt, untucking it out from under the waistline of my pants and peeling it off of me. My hot skin tingled as it met the cool air of my bedroom, simmering me down from the endless possibilities surging within my mind. 

His touch was so realistic compared to everything else I felt in my dream, I wished to have more of it. His thumb softly rubbing my hand, fingers gliding across my cheek, his  _ hand  _ gripping my  _ throat. _ I didn’t want to shove this down and hide anymore feelings concerning him, it felt  _ too  _ good to simply get rid of. I expanded upon further ideas of him, feeling so relieved to do so compared to how often I went about my days, limiting myself to momentary thoughts of him here and there. 

As the feelings that stemmed from my dream still lingered, I felt whatever was left in me begin to multiply and warm me even further as I laid in bed. I excitedly continued, giving in without a second thought as bliss radiated around me and inside of me. 

I slowly reached down to unbutton my pants, shrugging out of them as they slid off my legs and onto the floor, now only wearing my thin undergarments. Doing this caused that warmth to burn within me, so intense that I would have been worried if it weren’t for how deep I was travelling into my personal Nirvana, not slowing down my thoughts any time soon.

Similar to earlier as I had reached out to him after waking from my dream, I reach again, but differently this time. I don’t say anything, rather, muse toward him. I felt like a young girl making eyes toward a handsome boy, hoping he’d notice. Sending these growing feelings his way was surprisingly easy, almost like the choice had always been there, but I only recently decided to give into it. 

Unsure I am even reaching him, I can’t help but indulge into how I felt the time I had been showering, where reminiscing on the Commander brought a similar euphoric feeling; the only difference now was how much stronger the feelings were. The heat of the shower was now replaced by the ever growing energy between Commander Ren and I, filling me to the brim and overflowing around me. I softly ran the tips of my fingers across my ribcage, following the area his ‘warmth’ had once travelled over.

As if my desires had been answered, I began to feel a faint pressure circulating around my ankles, a familiar warmth expanding from the touch. I appeased the sudden pressure, sliding my feet on the bed toward me as I bent my knees upward. I pant as the pressure grows a little more obvious as it inches up both legs, so timid and shy. The pressure lightly caresses me, so well behaved. It travels up and over the bend of my knees, gliding down my outer thighs. The pressure, almost in a polite way, ceases movement to rest on my hips, but increases in pressure. 

My chest swells due to the pressure’s hindrance, aflutter to continue on with what we were doing, but  _ so  _ curious to see how far we could go. I moan softly, barely letting it pass my lips as the pressure massages deep into my hip bones. I slide my hands to the side of my head and relax further, relishing these feelings.

My breath snags in my throat as the pressure slowly moves it’s way upward and over my stomach, pausing to radiate even more warmth from the simple touch. By now this pressure has increased indefinitely, feeling like a familiar set of hands more than anything else, thumbs on my stomach as the sets of fingers curl around my sides to dig in gently. I let my eyes flutter closed as a blush creeps onto my face, reddening my cheeks and warming my skin. 

The set of hands leisurely moved upward and I arch my back in delight, willing them to feel elsewhere. The hands do as such, gliding over my sides and curving under my backside. The feeling circulates around, to and from my backside and to my tender ribs. Despite the constant warmth, I am still able to shake with chills as the fingers trace a distinct line up my spine. Although the feeling is sensual and full of lust, the hands avoid the more intimate regions of my body, which happen to be the areas crying out for his touch the most. 

I quiver with excitement as his hands breeze over my shoulder blades and up and over my shoulders, circling around the entire length of both arms. 

The pressure hesitates once reaching my hands, taking a moment to spread each finger between my own. My lungs inflate at how innocent it feels as I grip the set of hands. They travel back down my arms, tip toeing over my neck to brush up against the side of my face. I gleam to myself, leaning my head into the pressure as I feel it sweep my cheek bone in such a familiar, comforting manner. After lingering against my cheeks for a few moments, it spreads back down, returning to my neck only to skim around in light circles. My body pulsates at the feeling, never having felt so  _ good  _ by the hands of someone else. 

A whimper surpasses my lips on it’s own accord, so enveloped in these wonderful feelings, silently willing the pressure to build. I slide my hands around the bed, fluttering my body against the sheets under me as I feel it oblige and increase, pushing me beyond any limits I had ever set for myself in the past. 

The pressure stops circulating, a firm hand placing around my neck and pressing into my throat. I wail with fondness of his hands as his fingers curl so perfectly around my neck, rounding closer to my breaking point just from his grip on me. I even brush my fingertips against my neck, peaking with excitement when I can feel the distinct digits as they are curled around my neck, apply just the right amount of pressure.

And then I hear him, his voice hoarse and out of breath. Clear as day, as if he is crouched over my body, his lips inches away from my own.

_ M-major. _

My eyes open instantly following hearing him, my eyes projecting from their sockets. I sit up in bed hastily as the invisible hand vanishes, grabbing the thin sheet beside me and covering myself with it. My heart soars and I press my eyes shut, so astounded by what had just happened. What  _ we  _ had let happen. Whatever warmth circulated between the two of us was completely extinguished, the only prominent feelings within me was the fight between the forlorn toward the painful absence of his touch, and the shame I felt toward putting myself in this situation in the first place.

I had never been touched like  _ that.  _ It was euphoric, but I still couldn’t place my finger on it. I shied away from the touch of other’s, not seeking out any kind of physical touch from anyone after the attack only a few days ago. His touch was different, I didn’t find myself afraid of it. Not when I was sure he was going to send me flying across the training room, not when he held me and kept me breathing as blood continuously poured out of me. Especially not when his hands ran over my body, only moments ago. 

My cheeks burned with heat as I remained in my bed, my body still tingling lightly as it gradually revved down from such soaring, intimate feelings. I grew ashamed of myself, this kind of behavior wasn’t who I really was. My mind was  _ so  _ hazed over by this man, as if  _ he  _ was the virus. This behavior wasn’t acceptable, not for anyone within the order, not toward someone like him. I desperately rack my brain to gather together some kind of defense, denying any iota of feeling toward him.

What kind of Major am I? Surrendering my mind to someone else—not that I had much of a choice. But I could have done  _ something.  _ I could have taken everything he’s done to the supreme council, they would know how the grounds to go about matters like mine.

I could argue he was prying into my mind, deliberately stirring up inner chaos and keeping me from doing my job to the best of my abilities. Yes, he  _ wanted  _ me to mess up, catastrophically. During a critical mission, he could plant thoughts and ideas in my head, forcing me to turn against the order and take everything down from the inside out. It was believable, according to Hux, people did know about the extent of my days after returning from Exodeen. And of all people, the Commander happened to  _ sense  _ I was in danger and saved me. In the event of turning him in, surely I would be congratulated on such a discovery. 

My heart fluttered at the thought of going through with it and turning him in and what that would entail…  _ that  _ is who I am. Faithfully serving the order, eliminating any and all signs of the enemy at the mere thought of potential information finding its way into the wrong set of hands. If I had the slightest inclination that one of my students was gathering intel and sending it to the resistance, I would not hesitate to halt their training and turn them in for questioning.

It was all there, the evidence. It was manageable, and I was certain that General Hux would aid me with supplying more intel of Commander Ren, only adding to my case. I shudder. 

This was merely the easier way out; I knew I was wrong. I could never turn in the Commander for such crimes, not when I knew there was something  _ real  _ between us, when it was only growing stronger. Letting myself get caught up in whatever I felt toward him was getting in the way of figuring this out, whatever it was. 

These ideas I had of him wouldn’t amount to anything, seeming that who he was and who I was would never let that be a possibility. Whatever I was feeling toward him was a pull, obviously, clouding my judgement and getting in the way of my duties. It was powerful, it was forceful. It made sense that whatever was stewing between the two of us would seep into me and cause me to view him differently.

I urgently needed to make a change if I were to harness whatever was growing within me and learn how to use it correctly. I needed control over my mind, in turn, this meant I needed to cease thoughts of the Commander if they weren’t for my own personal benefit, it was easier this way as I knew there was nothing to become of them. This would also make it easier to focus on my duties as a Major, ensuring my spot isn’t taken away from me and given to someone more capable. It was easier to cut these feelings off now, before such ideas flourished into something bigger and more difficult for me to suppress, or worse, overtaking me completely.

To my dismay, force-caressing in the early hours of the morning, or in the shower, was not something I could ever let happen again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy (a day late) May 4th to everyone! I had watched Rise of Skywalker with my boyfriend and some friends online, and I completely simp'ed for Kylo/Ben in front of everyone. But it's justified, and my boyfriend supports it. We love a boyfriend that is understanding of love toward even fictional characters.  
> I hope everyone is staying safe and healthy, and thank you for reading! I hope you're liking it, let me know your thoughts! Any idea what the dream means, or if there's any symbolism you can spot? I'll most likely be adding another chapter within a day or so, so be on the lookout!  
> Thank you again. <3


	11. Chapter 11

Agitated beeps filled the area around my feet as I gathered paperwork, returning them into their individual files. It was funny, we still were required to have hard copies on deck when concerning troopers background, status, strengths and weaknesses, etc. Although we were mainly digital, all important matters were still printed and filed away neatly. I almost felt like a normal human, going about a normal job on some beautiful planet far out of this galaxy.

The beeps grew faster and more irritated, noticing I had slipped into my mind for a bit.

“I’m done! I’m done! You sure you have everything  _ you  _ need?” I asked BB-9E, jokingly. He didn’t answer the question, understanding the joke and giving me a few low-toned beeps as a response. I secured my holopad under my arm, pausing by the door.

I didn’t necessarily  _ need  _ BB-9’s assistance while working in my office, but I liked the company. I was still timid toward interactions with others, not ready to be trusting in the presence of strangers. It was still unknown as to who had poisoned me two days ago, but everyone was aware that the deliverance of any kind of information was vital toward tracking them down. The poisoning itself was on the down low, Commander Ren had made sure the medical staff within the training room did not discuss it further, except for passing word to the Supreme Leader.

It had been some time since hearing from Kaz as well, she had sent me voice messages on my transmission earpiece, which resided in the junk drawer in my office. The idea of being accessible to anyone at any time, carrying such a device around with me was silly; the holopad was already enough work in itself. I wasn’t ready to speak with her about the attack, or about anything for that matter, too timid to air any dirty laundry between us. For all I knew, she could be angry with me for something  _ I  _ had done.

As days went by it was still difficult to piece together that night, but one thing that stood out boldly within my memories was the odd feeling she gave me. I recall not feeling safe in her presence, within the booth as well as travelling down the hall with her. 

I wasn’t ready for whatever interaction lied with the Commander, whenever it came time to have it. At some point we would have to discuss the obvious pull between us, and what it meant. How it came to be and what could eventually become of it. I was still harbouring some amount of bandwidth dedicated to him, but I kept my eye on it. I didn’t let myself carry on too far, not even daring to think back too intimately on the training room. How he had helped me, all the compassion he had shown within a few short minutes.

If I didn’t keep track of my wandering mind, I could definitely find myself recalling back to laying in his arms, blood covering both of us as he waited on my hand and foot, not wanting to miss a thing while he waited for help to arrive. I could easily get caught up in the gentleness he gave off, how caring and assistive he was with me. How easily it was to let my eyes settle on him, as if it were the last thing I were to see. There was a comfort in seeing the man behind the mask and the side to him nobody knew of. He was so quick to reverse roles to help save me, forgetting the hierarchy and titles, being a genuine human being.

BB-9 beeps hesitantly and I look over to him. I shake my head.

“Yes, I am okay. I’m hoping you’d like to join me in the main training room? I could use you today.”

He beeps in support, excited to tag along; I’m certain he can tell I have a lot on my mind. He adds on, asking if I am ready to do more than just face-to-face follow ups and jotting information into my holopad. I grin, wiggling my eyebrows at him.

“I have my doubts, but it’s time. If you’re by my side, I think I can manage.” I answered him. He beeps, self assured with his capabilities and mentions something along the lines of his dedication to me, as he was made for me after all. The meager sentiment gives me a small boost.

I realize I could stand by the door all day in hesitation, fearful of what impending outcomes of my day awaited me. With a quick and sharp inhale we exit the office, entering a main hallway.

BB-9 is no interpersonal psychology droid, but as we have spent many years together we have learned quite a bit about each other's thought processes and personality. He kept the mood light and upbeat on our walk to the training center, sensing I was uptight as we passed other people. He jokes about a time I had been training a young, clumsy boy eager to please me. He had nearly singed my fingers off with a holostaff during a one-on-one session, so afraid of messing up in front of me. The thought takes me back to my prime, or at least how I was before the battle of Exodeen. This had been at least two years ago, now the boy was a successful stormtrooper. From time to time after missions we return, and I’d find him in the med wing with some kind of laceration in need of stitches, most likely due to his clumsiness. 

He was still alive,  _ my  _ student. Someone I had trained from the ground up, and was still kicking. That is reason enough to continue forward, giving it my all. There are still many students, similar to him at that young age, eager for a teacher to guide the way.

The thought feels nice to reflect on, and before I am aware of it I find myself and BB-9 in the training center, having passed many people without a care as I was too caught up with nostalgia. I thanked the droid, reaching down and smoothening my hand over the top of him.

Upon entering, all bodies within the front area of the room cease conversation, turning toward me at full attention. I smile, waving my hand. “Please, as you were guys.” Most of the students ranged from 12 to 17, some a little younger or a little older. It was smaller than an average class size, maybe ranging around 25 students. I liked teaching students that still had a lot to learn, compared to the older students working toward becoming officers, or just stormtroopers. I search further into the room, seeing other officers in the distance training their smaller classes, or one-on-one fighting sessions.

“If my assessments are up to date, we are becoming familiar with aerial attacks by now. Am I correct?” I ask out to the class. Everyone answers with a resounding “Yes, Major.”

I nod, scanning over their faces, the eagerness and excitement to please radiating from them in waves. I smile, wiggling my eyebrows. “Well then, show me what you’ve got.” I continue, motioning BB-9. He rolls his way over the control panel, punching in the correct amount of droids for each student. I snap my head to the side, motioning the students to grab their weapons. They take up their own wooden staffs, not yet graduating to any with an electrical current; It was also safer this way.

I lean back against the wall as BB-9 starts the first level of droids, descending upon the group of kids. I chuckle to myself, watching as they begin to fight. Some show promise, attacking from correct points to conserve their energy for the following levels. Some kids are slower, but still effective in their means of defending themselves. Others are slow, or unsure of the power they have, hesitating and getting singed by the electric current from the droids. I always feel the need to mother those who struggle, as I remember struggling in my early days. Hell, I could still mother those who succeeded. 

These children didn’t have parents, destined to grow up into adult fighters with a plethora of issues, stemming from just this bunch alone. I wasn’t in agreement with The Order taking children from their parents with the intention to build our mass of fighters, that might have been one of the few things I disagreed with, mainly because my father had given me up to The Order from a young age. Despite my personal opinions on the matter, there wasn’t anything I could do about it. I had once gone through everything these students have, and have yet to experience. Surely, they could pull through, and I was here to help them.

I bit my tongue, suppressing a laugh toward one of the younger, timid boys that had been singed a fair amount of times. A girl his age upstaged him, stealing the droids he had been eyeing. I call out to him, displaying calm and collected breaths his way. He mimics me back, nodding and gripping his staff tighter within his grasp, approaching a droid with more confidence. My heart swells with joy, honored as I see he knocks one down before it is able to glide down and singe the top of his head.

BB-9 beeps below, alerting my gaze to the door. My breath lodges in my chest for a moment as I see Kaz entering the room, making eye contact with me and heading over. I am unable to think of anything, any kind of alibi in support of not seeing her since the attack.

“Oh Mar!” She exclaims, wrapping her arms around me and standing on the tips of her toes for a hug. I lightly put my hands on her shoulders, bringing my head down the smallest bit to rest on her shoulder. It feels like I’m reuniting with a stranger; I know her, but it doesn’t  _ feel  _ right. My stomach knots at physical touch from someone else, especially her. I couldn’t possibly imagine why I was unsure of her the last time we met up, but I’m assuming how I felt now was somewhat similar.

“Have you been getting my calls? I’ve reached out to you, I don’t even know how many times and—” BB-9 cuts her off, angered by how abrupt she had chosen to initiate the conversation.

“I  _ did  _ stop by her office, multiple times. The droid must not have noticed.” She scolds, not caring to look down at him upon mentioning him. He continues to beep in annoyance but I send him a stern look, flicking my head in the direction of the students in practice. He takes his time as he heads over to them to assess their fighting, and I fix my gaze back onto Kaz.

“I just… I’m sorry I wasn’t there, Mar. I wish I could have killed them myself.”

I nod, my eyes averting down to ground as I am unsure how to respond. Within the silence her hand reaches out to the side of my arm, stroking lightly. Her sudden touch makes me flinch, partially from how intimate she can be and how odd it made me feel inside, as well as my disinterest in receiving it in the first place. I shrug her off of me as nonchalauntly as I can manage to, but she notices. The absence of her hand almost makes me even more uneasy, I can’t pinpoint the exact feelings that rush within me while she stands in front of me.

“I get it, I can back off and give you some space. This can be a lot to process.” She says, I watch her almost reach a hand out once more but she stops herself, clasping both of her hands together. I decide to answer, feeling somewhat guilty for causing her to feel as if I were broken. I loathed the idea of her treading lightly around me in fear of tarnishing me, I didn’t want anyone doing that period. Amongst all the conflicting feelings I had concerning her, I missed her. I didn’t want to be angry with her, nor her toward me. There was a slight ache in my heart while standing before her, imagining a life where I’m not friends with her. The absence of her feels more unnatural than whatever hesitation I have toward letting her back in. Out of fear of missing the feeling of her, I comply.

“It’s not something I ever expected to happen, but I’ll deal with it. It’ll get easier over time.” I tell her, earning an eager smile as soon as she hears my words. “That’s good to hear, I’m glad you’re accepting it with open arms.” She beams a bright smile, happy to see me reply. My insides stumble and flip as she does so, feeling all too light headed in the presence of her beauty.

“I don’t suppose anything will really change.” She continues, and I nod. I did need Kaz around, she was good for me. In times I needed positive reassurance, she could easily shine her light onto me and give me a much needed boost. I felt just that as we spoke. I  _ needed  _ her in my life.

“Although, it will be different to be referred to as ‘Major’. How funny, ‘Major Myrena.’ It has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?”

I freeze, a chill running up my spine. She continues talking but I don’t hear her, my thoughts drowning out her voice.

“W-what? Major?” I ask, dropping my head lower to her level. She stares back, a confused smile on her face as her head also lowers slightly.

“My new title? That I’ve been assigned?” She adds, smile fading lightly.

My eyes leave her, tracing over the students' training, running all across the room. The yells, and metal being torn apart and thrown about the room echoes in my ears as I focus on her words, mulling over them over and over in my head. 

Major Myrena.

“You were told, I swear you were supposed to be.” She thinks to herself aloud, her fingers tracing her bottom lip in thought. I shake my head, keeping my eyes on my students. I find it hard to breathe as it begins to stagger in my chest. She wasn’t referring to my attack like I had thought, she was speaking of something else.

“Mar, I’m so sorry. It’s just a temporary thing, to help you out. You’ve been through too much…” she trails off as I feel fingers curl around my arm. The instant I take notice I yank my arm away from her, taking a few steps back. Her face is shocked at my reaction once my eyes finally meet hers, genuinely confused as if she didn’t know what this meant.

“Mar, I thought that you could use the extra help.” She continues as she attempts to console me, only evoking my anger.

“You could have turned it down.” I steamed, barely letting the words out through my locked teeth. She shakes her head, once again stepping closer and placing a hand on my shoulder. Even though the anger I held toward her in the moment was only multiplying within me, I still felt my insides flutter when she touched me. The amount of emotions and adrenaline rushing through me made me feel nauseous, so many chemicals releasing without being put to good use as I only stood there, idly.

“You know I couldn’t do that in good conscience, Mar.” Her fingers massage my shoulder tenderly and my stomach twists, that anger only growing the longer I continue the conversation. I think about leaving the training center,  _ killing  _ something, someone, anyone. Letting out my anger toward her, toward myself, whoever had set the chain of events to ruin my life by injuring me on Exodeen when they should have just killed me, plain and simple. I think about how badly I want a drink, despite how afraid I was to let myself become vulnerable. Now, the idea didn’t sound as absurd as it used to.

“I no longer desire your company.” I let out between shaky breaths, letting my eyes wander back to BB-9 as he assess certain students who are struggling. Kaz scoffs lightly and I don’t dare to look at her, keeping my boiling comments under the lid. “Mar, I wouldn’t have accepted the position if I didn’t believe you needed me. You need  _ someone _ .”

My eyes stay locked onto the training floor, letting her words fly over my head, struggling to not entertain them. I was hurt, as this kind of news came from my best friend. This level of betrayal was too much for me to comprehend. Nobody had ever given me the chance to prove myself, stand up for myself. There was no meeting, no evaluation of my current capabilities. Nobody ever asked how I was healing, coming to find out that my ribs had almost healed entirely, and my limp was almost unnoticeable to others as I had found ways to block out the pain. It was all done too quickly, without my acknowledgement.

“I think if you gave me a chance to explain, I—” I don’t even let her take in a single breath to finish the second half of her rebuttal.

“Leave me.” I snap, our eyes finally meeting. The room and the equipment lining the walls quickly rumble as I speak, but both of us ignore it. All of her remorse had turned into something else I am unable to decipher, but I did not dwell on it as I turned back to the students. She stays for a moment before leaving and I can hear her begin to respond before she chooses not to, retreating back to the door.

My feet stay planted in the same spot, my chest heaving as it took much exertion to steady my breaths. I bite my tongue, searching over the students and other officers in the room. Did anyone else know? Could they tell I was in need of assistance from an  _ officer? _ My chest trembles as the beginnings of tears line my eyes, hurt and betrayed by my friend, by the order, by my body that was deemed ‘in need of assistance’.

I suppressed the option of letting loose in the training center, letting off some steam and finally putting to use all of the adrenaline coursing through me. I keep a watchful eye on my students, simmering my mind enough to realize that this was their time. I was not going to ruin their training, the very thing that will shape them into proper fighters, simply because of my emotions.

My time would come later. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this chapter! The deeper we get into this story, the more excited I grow as we inch closer to each character's growing development... it's so fun to add on to and develop over time! I hope everyone is staying safe and reading happily in isolation/quarantine. Let me know if you have any ideas of what's to come, or if you have any comments on what's happened so far! Virtual baked cookies to anyone who can accurately guess what Major Arkin is going to do in the next chapter!  
> As always, thank you so, so much for choosing to read. It is such a joy to write for those who enjoy my ideas.


	12. Chapter 12

I gnaw on my straw after finishing another drink, only one of many throughout my time in the bar. The drinks stir a warmth in my chest from my inebriation, helping aid my temper by lessening it.

“I think you create better drinks than I’ve received from any other human.” I mention to the droid behind the counter of the bar, starting on another drink as I finish mine. I let out a laugh as I watched the droid pause and stare at me, the alcohol accidentally overflowing from the glass as he had mistakenly let it. “Oh, heavens.” he cleans the mess. He’s tall, maybe a few inches shorter than me, and a great listener. He had indulged in everything I had told him so far, listening attentively. 

“I am programmed to make only the best beverages using exact measurements along with the correct ingredients for each drink, it is expected of me. This is profound to you?”

I shake my head, answering his question and grabbing an ice cube from my drink, crunching on it. “All beverages except for this one, huh?” I snicker through hazy eyes. The droid glitches the smallest bit, his neck jolting as he stares at the mess in front of him. I wave my hand in front of him, reaching over the bar and grabbing the glass as is.

“No problem with this one, it’s perfect.” I reassure him, licking the side of the glass to clean it, then sipping the excess on the top to avoid spilling more. The drink is stronger than the previous few I had, tasting more of alcohol than of ginger and mint. I smack my lips and click my tongue as the taste causes my mouth to water, urging me to drink further.

Upon entering the bar, I was nervous to be around other people, especially in a setting such as this, involving alcohol. I chose a different area than the one I had visited with Kaz. I guess I was also rather lucky to have a droid behind the bar instead of an actual person, this definitely helped me loosen up, besides how much the alcohol had already contributed.

“Go ahead and start on another one, friend.” I add on, slurping up more of the drink. Despite my worry of being poisoned, I knew I was only merely intoxicated. I didn’t feel how I did the night with Kaz around, and I definitely didn’t have blood pouring from my eyes similar to my time with Commander Ren in the training room. I didn’t know how far I wanted to go tonight, nor did I want to count the drinks I had. I just wanted to forget about the interaction I had with Kaz, completely blindsided by her actions. I didn’t need a babysitter, that was a total embarrassment to even begin to think about. 

I lazily lean my chin onto my hand as my elbow supports my weight on the counter, nursing my drink as I find my thoughts slipping into familiar territory, places I had set boundaries for myself in times like this.

To be completely truthful, I needed to do something other than think of the Commander as well; I established with myself that I needed to eliminate the notion of him being as much as a god my mind had placed him as, he was just a man. A man that was connected to me in some way, I only needed answers from him at this point. Going off of what all the legends had stated, he was a conflicted man on a warpath, ever since his childhood. I didn’t need any more of that in my life. Mine was stirred up enough as is. I needed to remember that. So often I had let myself stray from the path I had outlined for myself from such an early age.

Being in this drunk state of mind caused my thoughts to stray away toward my fears and weaknesses, mulling over them until it felt insufferable. This was frustrating for me, how weak and emotional I became once I had a few drinks under my belt. 

“I am required to let you know that this is your eighth cocktail of the night.”

My head lolls on my shoulders as I peer at him through sleepy eyes. “Gods, what good does that do? Why would I want to know that?” The droid shuffles, grabbing a glass to start my next drink. There were a few other droids behind the bar catering to others, but this one had stuck by me the entire time as I chatted with him. 

The bar was also holding a significantly lesser amount of people compared to usual, as it was a weeknight and nothing in particular to be celebrating. Not until the banquet, at least, which was tomorrow. Gods, there was no point in me attending, but I knew I was expected to show my face. 

“I am programmed to alert higher officials by the eighth drink. Subordinates are made aware by the fifth. It is only precautionary measures. I am happy to assist you in your beverage related endeavors.”

I stare blankly at my drink, my hair sliding down my shoulders as it falls in my face, blinking a few times as I assess his choice of wording. I wasn’t much of a fan.

“I have noticed the excessive amounts of beverages you have ordered, may I ask for what purpose you are partaking in this insobriety of yours? A celebration perhaps?” he asks plainly. I huff, hearing this from anyone else would have been a call-out or a jab, but since this came from a droid, it was simply coming from a place of observance. He was right, as much as I hated to admit it.

I hiccup, placing a hand over my mouth. “The opposite of celebrating, I suppose. It’s been a long few weeks.” There was a lot I could bring up to the droid, but there really wasn’t any use yet. In other situations, I could see myself growing belligerently drunk, to where I spew all my problems onto him. This was not the situation to do so.

His head cocks to the side as he processes my answer, completing his drink as I finish off mine. “You have made the decision that purposely putting yourself into an intoxicated state is the best course of action to remedy a ‘long few weeks’? Is that responsible behavior for someone of your ranking?” 

My brows knit together, jutting my head to the side, similar to an unruly teenager. The drinks were really getting to me at this point. 

“You’re also programmed t-to psychologically assess your patrons, I see?” I hiccup.

The droid nods to my dismay. “Yes, I am. This helps me assess who is in need of my assistance to get home safely, and who is stable enough to be left alone.”

I shake my head, thinking this could have been a comical question, but his answer had removed any of the comedy from it. Of course, a bartender that was certified in assessing the psychological well being of those who entered the bar.

The longer I stare at the droid, my drink hovering in front of my lips, I am able to mull over his words. I bite my lip, mid thought, bringing the drink to my lips slowly. The droid holds my stare as I drink, slowly moving an arm to the side to grab another glass, never breaking contact with me. I choke on my drink momentarily as I finally realize what he means.

“You don’t think you can leave me alone?!” I drone. The droid finally drops eye contact as my drunken attention is completely directed to him, watching him prepare my next drink. “Forgive my bluntness, Major, but you coming to terms with this now, only justifies my point.”

I groan, sipping my drink before I say anything else of unimportance. To my amazement, I hear my name called out near the entrance of the bar. I freeze at first hearing my name, but my teeth grit down once I recognize who it is. I want to believe it is anyone else but her, but instead of looking toward her, I keep my eyes upon the droid behind the bar who is shamefully preparing another drink.

“You’re fucking kidding me.” I angrily slur, slamming my hand onto the counter in disbelief. “You are supposed to be my friend here, how could you betray me like this? We were just getting to know each other!” I yell at the droid, standing and pointing a finger at him. He finishes the drink, sliding it on the counter behind him for a different customer. 

“I compared your psychological state and attitude during your time here, assessing that you are showing continuous signs of a decline. I cannot serve you anymore drinks for the remainder of tonight while you are in this state, as I have calculated you will only decline further. Reaching out to a fellow student of yours was only means to get you home safely. ”

My body weight shifts around on my feet as I try to stand straight, struggling to find the words to respond as my mind rendered completely unable to process what he had told me. Despite this, I put forth what I believe are my best efforts.

“I could hop over this counter and d-disassemble you in twelve seconds flat.” My body swivels as I shake my head, scolding him, truly ready to leap over the only boundary between him and I. Kaz finally reaches my side, startling me as soon as she puts a hand on my upper arm. I slink away from her, backing up into my barstool.

“That comment is reason enough to cut off your consumption for the night, Major. While I am programmed to stop those who have reached their limit, I also cannot supply you with any more beverages in good conscience, not after the most recent attack on you.” The droid adds on. My head tilts up to shoot him an odd glare.

“How c-could you know that? How does  _ everyone _ know this about me!?” I yell, feeling Kaz try to grab a hold of me once more. “You! You don’t get to touch me, I don’t need a babysitter, even if you think I do.” I snap at her, the room spinning lightly as my body buzzes with warmth. 

I am repulsed by her touch, a stark contrast compared to other times I could recall. She sometimes could stir something within me I wasn’t too familiar with. Now, I wanted nothing to do with her, it was hard to view her as anything other than a traitor.

“Come on Mar, let me take you back to my room.” Kaz begins, brushing hair out of my face and smoothening my uniform down. I shake my head rapidly to get her fingers off of me, crossing my arms and sitting back into my seat. 

“I am programmed to know who you are, Major Arkin. Without knowing your history, I could mistakenly supply you with more alcohol than you need, putting you in a similar situation where you could get hurt.”

My eyes bulge as Kaz puts both hands on either side of me, attempting to lift me out of my seat like a child. “Gods, what  _ aren’t  _ you programmed to know? Can you answer me that?” I veer my head over Kaz’s shoulder to bark at the droid, struggling to wiggle out of her hold on me. He begins to start to answer, but Kaz cuts in. “Don’t actually answer that, droid.”

As I focus more of my attention on Kaz, my breath shakes violently as her hands move all around me, a hassle to grasp a hold of me and remove me from the bar. I begin to panic, my vision fogging with tears as I recall the struggle I once faced with those men, unable to break free and get away. 

I start to let out a quick sob of frustration as my hands put up a fight against her own, growing even more angry with her as she doesn’t seem to be letting up any time soon. Her strength is outmatched against me and how heavily the alcohol had weighed me down; I am frightened by how similar it feels to fight against her as I once did with the men in the hallway. 

All too quickly I find myself musing toward the Commander, similar to extending a hand to him. I don’t even catch myself until I finish, regretting doing so in such a vulnerable state so quickly. My mind had advanced toward him so easily that the deed was finished before I could put an end to it.

My body shakes with fear and anger as she fumbles with me, trying to get out of her grasp. “I’m not leaving you alone Margot, we need to get going. You’re not going to want to attend the banquet with a hangover, I’m sure of it.” She continues to bear hug me, forcibly lifting me off of my seat. I finally stop fighting as I feel close to weeping in front of everyone in the bar, ashamed that my abilities to fight her off were nowhere near for me to tap into.

“Fuck you, how could you be so s-sure? Maybe I want to attend the banquet  _ just  _ the way I am.” I retort, finally aiding her and standing up. I lose my balance and she helps guide me away from the counter.

“I will never seek your services ever again.” I whimpered as I pointed a finger at the droid, hurt that he had the gall to call her in to aid me. I wiped my eyes of the tears that nearly poured down my cheeks as my bottom lip quivers; I didn't stick around to wait for a reply, shifting away from Kaz and trying to walk on my own down the hallway. 

I am able to reach the turbolift before I trip into her, to which she grabs a hold of me securely. “You cannot be left alone right now, not like this.” she mentions as I stare at her, watching her punch in her level as I break away to lean against the wall. Her actions outrage me, my heavy breathing shakes as I call out to her again. “If you think you’re t-taking me anywhere else than m-my quarters, you’re mistaken.” 

I am suddenly struck with a familiar feeling, as if all safety had fleeted away from me. I feel as I did the night I had gone out with her, the night I was attacked. I felt more in control compared to then, but innebreated, nevertheless. I stay slumped against the wall of the turbolift as she turns to me, giving me a sympathetic glare. My stomach clenches at the sight of her, pleading toward me, but also pitying the state I am in. I can’t stand the sight, not from a student. Not from her.

“Don’t fucking start.” I say, turning away as the small space of the turbolift spins as my body fights to keep steady, waving my hands in front of me. My disdain for her coupled with the amount of drinks I had made me feel slightly queasy, wanting to be anywhere but in this turbolift with her.

“I don’t want you mad at me Mar, I can’t stand it.”

I shake my head as she gets closer to me. “No, no, no.” I put my hands out in front of me so she can’t get any closer. “ I can’t  _ stand  _ the thought of you accepting that offer before consulting with me.” I heave, but catch myself so I don’t openly cry out. “The Order never taught us to  _ betray _ our friends… so where did you learn that from?” My voice cracks and I pause, letting my eyes wander away from her as I am too embarrassed of how weak I felt, how emotional I was growing to be. 

Her hands then envelop mine, her eyes making themselves as appealing as possible, surely full of regret. My stomach twists as she caresses the tops of my hands, it doesn’t feel right. The touch from someone else still scares me. I see it is Kaz, but it doesn’t feel like Kaz. My breath shakes in my chest, wishing I could feel the real Kaz, almost forgetting what it felt like to be in her presence, devoid of whatever energy she gave me now.

“I only took the position because I care about you and want to see you succeed, you’re all I have and I don’t want anything bad to happen to you.” She affirms, her facing growing stronger with sympathy toward me. This makes me feel even more sick as I reflect on how she had made me feel on our previous night out, similar to now. Anger boils stronger than the fear in me, as I know her words can’t be true. If she cared about me, she would never have accepted the position. Hearing this makes me callous toward her, disregarding her touch.

“I don’t want to hear that bullshit, you’ve always wanted to be equals. You saw the chance, and you took it.” Wishing to leave it at that as I rip my hands from hers, the absence causes me a small amount of pain. I didn’t want any of this to be true, it hurt too much. She was my closest, longest lasting friend. I couldn’t ever picture myself doing the same to her if our roles were switched; if I would have thought of the possibility of her ever doing this to me, I would say with confidence that she wouldn’t. She  _ couldn’t  _ have the capacity to do this to a friend, not me at least.

But she did, this was my reality. There was no going around it in any other way.

The doors open and I slide off of the wall, passing her and placing my hands out to steady myself. I place one foot ahead of me at a time, struggling hard to keep my balance as I do not want to feel her touch on any part of my body. She helps out anyways, securing a hand around my waist. 

This doesn’t help me out as much as it is keeping me close to her, the way her hand is placed stirs something inside of me I am unsure of. I don’t care for the feeling as it makes me feel even more sick. I bite my lip as it quivers, remembering multiple sets of hands that had eagerly roamed over the same spot, as the three felt it was their privilege to do so.

I catch myself reaching out to the Commander once more, this time I don’t stop myself. I don’t say anything in particular, just extending myself to him. Like a firm grasp on the shoulder, turning him around to see me. I don’t regret doing so, feeling I don’t have the power to fend for myself. I want him here, I really wasn’t close to anyone else, not that I could really consider us close. I needed to know if I was going crazy, if Kaz really wasn’t in her right frame of mind.

It didn’t feel right, none of this did. It was all too similar to the night of the attack, more and more of that night unlocking as I went about with Kaz in the present.

We reach my quarters and the door slides open as I approach, taking Kaz’s hand and forcibly unwrapping it from my waist, dropping it to her side. She juts in front of me and steps into my quarters; I purposely try to plant myself in front of her, but she walks past me. “Mar, I’m not leaving.” She stays put in the middle of my living area, crossing her arms over her chest. I huff, leaning against the wall closest to me as the door shuts. 

“I want to talk this over with you, I just need you to understand.”

I roll my eyes, struggling to kick off my boots as they are still latched secure to my feet. I lean and fumble with the buckle. “I’m -  _ hiccup-  _ not doing this with you. I don’t want to be in the presence of a man for the next week, and I’m grouping you into that as well. Get out.” I growl at her, losing my balance and nearly falling on the floor. 

She sighs, approaching me and trying to help. She slides a hand on the side of my waist as her other hand reaches my boot. I grow even more furious by her touch, shoving her away with all my might. I land backwards on the floor, watching the room spin as she steadies herself much faster than I could even attempt to.

“You’re acting like a child, Margot. You don’t know it, you’re just too drunk to see it.” She comments, flattening out her uniform. I gather to my feet, grasping the kitchen counter for support as I gleam at her through the strands of hair surrounding my line of sight. “Get. Out. That is an order.” I slur, holding my ground. My voice somewhat rattles, unsure if I am in the position to order her; ordering her doesn’t feel the same as it used to. 

She spots my inner conflict, shaking her head as her eyes grow soft. She sympathizes with me, belittling me. She saw me as something that needed to be fixed, and it made me want to puke.

“What has gotten into you lately? Go sit down, you need to eat if you don’t want to show up to the banquet hungover.”

I stay leaned against the kitchen counter, my heart quaking in my chest with such power that it sways my body back and forth. She notices there’s something wrong with me, as I have too. I hate that she isn’t listening to me, as she should, and I hate even more that I don’t feel strong enough to  _ make  _ her leave.

The whole situation would have gone differently if I were sober, it was almost like I was found unable to fend for myself in the times I needed to most. I felt trapped in my own quarters, desperately wanting her to leave, furious with how she felt the need to care for me no matter how much I combatted the idea. This was not the Kaz I knew, the Kaz I’ve known for years would never have accepted the position, disregarding that she says she did so because she “cares” for me. The Kaz I knew would leave if I asked her to.

My chest swells with emotion, but I suppress the urge to thrash around, yelling and crying. I know it would only concern her further, keeping her here.

“I’ll make you some food and I can tell you everything. It’ll all make sense, just give me the time of day.”

I frown, shooting her an odd glare. “What is there for me to make sense of? I know all I need to, you went behind my back… you’ve discredited me. I don’t want to hear anything you have to say, you’ve done enough, Kaz.” I begin, feeling the anger within me boiling and growing even hotter the longer she is in my presence. 

Now she only scoffs, a light laugh passing her lips as she eyes me from across the room. So depreciatory, acting this way in my own quarters.

My eyes narrow onto her with such might, I am surprised I don’t burn holes into her skin. “You’re going to l-leave one way or another, forcibly, or by your own accord.” I seethe, winded by the emotions stirring. I know what’s coming, I feel it amongst my weaknesses. It’s there, and I am afraid to use it.

“You don’t mean that, not any of it.” She muses, taking a few steps to lessen the gap between us. “I don’t even think you’ll remember this interaction, you’ve fucked yourself up too far.”

I press my lips into a firm line, my body starting to shiver with what I am unsure to be the fear or the anger coursing through me. “You couldn’t make me leave if you tried.”

I swallow the lump in my throat, powerless. I feel minimized in front of her, although she is now my  _ equal.  _ She was in no place to be giving me orders, not in my own kitchen. I open my mouth but let it gape, unable to string together a rebuttal strong enough to defend my reasoning. I felt powerless, tears lining my eyes. “G-get out.” I stammer, feeling my lip tremble. She stands secure in her efforts, her face inching toward mine as hot tears spill down my cheeks.

It was like my worst fears were coming true. My best student, my best  _ friend _ , rising to the very top and exceeding me. Perkier, a bit younger, uninjured from battle. Well liked, strong, capable, not as  _ expendable  _ as I. Slowly, I was losing my title. She would take it soon enough, and I would lose my best friend in the process. I didn’t have my strength or agility, I had nothing. I was nothing.

Her head cocks to the side slowly as her eyes trace over my face, her hand moving up to follow in pursuit. My eyes flinch, flickering as the warmth from her touch startles me. I am disgusted by her, but I am also drawn to her, in ways I am unsure how it’s even possible. My heart races astronomically, her fingers curling under my chin and moving me closer to her. “At least let me  _ show  _ you what I am trying to say.”

She eliminates any and all space between us as she connects our lips together, forcefully. Her fingers grip my jaw stably as her mouth molds onto mine for the deep, sensual kiss she delivers. After the shock wears off, I drive both fists into her shoulders and repel her as far away as I can manage, her teeth scraping against my bottom lip as I rip her from me. The vigor I exert sends her flying much further than I had anticipated, clear across the length of the room and smacking up against the wall of my living space.

I fly back against the lower cabinets in the kitchen, colliding against them with much commotion coming from the both of us. I pant, looking over at her as she stays crouched on the ground in disbelief. I wipe the blood from my lip as I catch my breath, the anger within me masked by new emotions arising and overtaking me, too complex for me to understand. 

I feel sick as I stare at her, watching her stand once more. I gather bits and pieces from my dream, where she was a monster. I came to the realization this was not the first kiss we had shared, the night of my attack clearing up even more. I shake my head, mumbling pleas, telling her to leave. She continued to approach me as I am completely wasted, totally defenseless, wishing more than anything to have died on Exodeen.

I suddenly feel that familiar, growing warmth in my chest. 

Before she can get too close, the door to my quarters opens abruptly and I watch Kaz turn in amazement when she sees who stands outside. I wouldn’t need to look to see who enters, I could feel whatever it is between _him_ and I growing stronger as the distance between us is lessened. 

I stay frozen in my spot on the floor as Commander Ren enters my quarters, his mask completely disregarding Kaz as it immediately focuses on me. My throat cements shut, blocking off all access for air to reach my lungs. I am in disbelief, he had felt me reach out to him. 

For the first time, I was able to witness him answering to  _ me. _ There was a certain power I felt radiating throughout the entirety of my body as he stood before me. I am unable to break away from the gaze of his mask, too surreal of an idea that he responded, too surreal to believe that even though I was trying to distance myself from him for my own good, my mind wandered to him without thinking about the consequences.

“Commander Ren, it’s an honor to meet you.” Kaz says quickly, shocked by his presence. She bows her head and stands rigid a few feet in front of me. “Is there anything I can do for y-” the commander ignores her devotion toward him, cutting her off completely. “Leave us.” he orders simply. He steps past Kaz, who is frozen solid, stammering as her eyes dart around his body, not the response she expected. He still hadn’t even looked at her, his mask still focused on me as I was sitting on the floor in front of him.

“I-I… she’s in need of assistance, I fear she could get herself hurt if left unsupervised.” I finally break away from the commander’s gaze, to forcefully roll my eyes and lean my head to the ceiling in reply to her comment. I almost lose my balance on the floor, my body rocking back and forth within my heavy innebreation. “Besides, she mentioned she doesn’t wish to be in the presence of a man right now.” Kaz adds. The Commander doesn’t miss a beat as he responds, his robotic voice rippling low with uninterest. “Pity.”

A shiver is sent directly down my spine as he speaks, so strong and sure of himself. It is truly as terrifying as it is intriguing. His focus doesn’t falter anywhere else but on me as he adds on. “I will not ask you to leave us a second time, Officer.” The commander directs toward her, his voice booming, threatening to take a single step further and unload on her completely. My breath shakes audibly as I witness the power in his voice; he stands with such certainty, able to direct anyone to do anything he’d like.

I don’t care to watch Kaz as she stammers more, keeping my eyes set on Commander Ren, still unable to understand why he chose to respond after I had reached out to him. Kaz hastily books it through the door, leaving the two of us, alone in my quarters. I’m sure she would have wanted to say more, but out of all the odd feelings she was giving me, I didn’t think it was within her character to go against the Commander’s orders. It’s silent for a few moments, and I let my eyes lower to the ground as I let out a slow breath. I stare at his boots, level with my body as I sit on the cold kitchen floor, feeling pathetic and vulnerable in the presence of such a man.

“You projected out to me.” he says quietly, still standing tall in front of me. I nod slowly, keeping my eyes level on his boots, afraid that if I looked up at him tears would pour from my eyes. I do regret summoning him to my quarters, I felt that I could figure out what Kaz’s motive was if I had a little more time. I had called to him in a moment of panic, sure that he didn’t care enough to respond. Now that he was here, I felt ashamed and embarrassed, so easily ordering Kaz to leave, something I didn’t have the power to do.

“I did.” I say, my voice breaking as my throat grows dry. His uniform rubs together as he shifts his weight onto his other foot, taking a moment to respond. The room still spins lightly, an uneasy ring of sweat lines my brow as my stomach bubbles in anxiousness. I can’t tell if it’s from Kaz’s kiss, or the fact that the Commander hadn’t left yet. Did he pity me? Seeing me as some tattered up toy that had been tossed around too often? 

“Tell me what happened.” he draws out slowly, his voice curiously vibrates within his voicebox. My eye twitches as I formulate a response, skimming over everything that had accumulated over the past few days. The attack, the poisoning, Kaz kissing me. I can’t bring myself to speak, knowing for certain I will cry if I do. I bow my head, biting the inside of my cheeks to keep myself from speaking.

It’s so easy to blurt things out in this drunken state, or act a certain way and immediately regret it, similar to how I had reached out to him. I needed to tread lightly, but at the same time I didn’t want to. Gods, I hated how conflicted I was,  _ constantly. _

I hear him sigh, then the sound of his mask hissing as pressure is released. He crouches down closer to me, setting his mask aside. I am no longer able to shield my face from him as we are eye level. His face is soft, despite the slight pink scarring stretched across the side of his features. His full, pink lips are parted, eyes steady as they bored into mine. His hair is clean and frizzy as it frames the sharp contrast of his face perfectly; once I lock eyes with him it is challenging not to stare at such a sight. I can feel my head slowly tilt to the side as I am lost in his gaze, catching myself and snapping my head back up.

I feel at peace knowing he is here, so much safer compared to how I felt when it was just Kaz and I. The energy between us is growing, but still tame as the two of us are. I don’t feel any anger toward him, only gratitude, and the strong admiration for him that was always so difficult to stamp down.

“What did she do?” he expands gently, his voice a bit lower this time, much more gentle compared to how he sounded when wearing his helmet. This was the first instance I was able to actually hear him speaking to me in such a chivalrous way, apart from the last time, where he helped calm me down in the training room as my ears filled with blood. I wasn’t aware of how light and tender he could be. I wanted to pause in this moment, remembering it for a time where I was sober, where it could mean more to me.

I shake my head, opening my mouth to speak but sobbing lightly. I grit my teeth and focus, reaching out as I glance at him through clouded eyes.

_ It’s all my fault. _

His eyes questionly hold my own as tears roll down my cheeks. I see him open his mouth to speak, but he is too confused. Remembering who he is, and how much power he has compared to everyone else on the Death Star, I feel too guilty to express to him the magnitude of my feelings. 

My eyes bulge as I feel a foul wave overcome me, my mouth watering uncontrollably as I know what is to follow. I cover my mouth, attempting to stand on my own. Commander Ren quickly gets the idea, swiftly grabbing me and hoisting me up to the kitchen sink in one swift motion, just before I emptied my stomach into the sink. 

I cough and gag as his body pressed against the side of mine, one large, gloved hand of his entangled in my hair to keep it out of the way. The idea of Kaz kissing me, and what it meant makes me feel even more miserable as I expel the contents down the drain. I sob as I finish, feeling about a single iota better than I had minutes ago. My stomach was somewhat settled, but my emotions remained. The Commander reaches to turn on the faucet and I scoop handfuls of water, spitting the acidic taste from my mouth and into the sink. My neck is tired from straining, and I let my head hang in shame of my actions.

“I didn’t want to disturb-b you, I couldn’t get her to leave.” I say in anguish as I stare into the sink, my chest jumping with every word in such a pathetic way. “It just happened, it was -hiccup- s-so easy to do. I couldn’t think of anyone else.”

The Commander's hand releases my hair, both hands sliding under my arms to support my body against his. He maneuvers me to the kitchen table to our side, helping me sit in one of the chairs. He grabs two glasses sitting on the counter, filling them with water and sliding one to me. I drank, thanking him as I discovered how badly I had needed it. My posture stays slumped in my seat as he stands, raising the glass to his lips and rummaging through my refrigerator, eventually grabbing a container of fruit. The moment he places it in front of me I open my mouth to protest, but he is one step ahead of me.

“I have picked up on your hunger you’ve projected to me, almost deafening. No need for protest, eat.”

I feel as if I should receive a stern talking to; I’m utterly embarrassed by my actions, going against everything I believed in. Someone of my ranking should never act in the ways I have recently. I can’t stand the silence of the room, but I eat the chunks of fruit as he stands and watches over me. I reflect over the night, my tears refusing to let up. To my surprise I feel a bit more content as I fill myself up with food, such a concept for myself to grasp while drunk. After a few minutes, I finish a good portion of the fruit and he chooses to break the silence.

“You are not a disturbance. You needed my help.” Finally answering, setting his water down on the table. My chin trembles as I shake my head. “No.” I sniff. “I should have been able to defend myself  _ then _ , I should be able to  _ now. _ ” I raise my voice, my speech slurring and growing rapid along with my breathing. Commander Ren quickly pulls a seat in front of me to sit down in, leaning forward with a tame, but stern voice. Absent of any control, or demand.

“You had  _ no  _ control of that, and I put an end to them. But tonight, Major, you should have been more careful.” He is adamant with his words, but they don’t hurt. He isn’t being callous toward me, he was right. Even while drunk, I could understand that he was right.

“She’s my replacement, my own best friend. They don’t think I’m capable of holding my position, after all these years... I m-messed up on Exodeen once, and this is what? My punishment?” My shoulders slouch as I hug myself, growing cold. “She’s dug my grave for me, I can’t fi-ight properly. I’m useless to the order now, it’s only a matter of time before they remove m-me permanently.” I whisper the last word and press my eyes shut, hating to say this out loud for the first time. I had envisioned my downfall for weeks, but now I found myself hating to drag it into the light. Talking about it made it seem even more inevitable, like I was solidifying it.

Realization washes over me before I let him speak, opening my teary eyes. “Thank you for saving me the other day, in the training room.” My lip quivering even more. “I didn’t get to thank you then, you’ve done a lot for me lately and all I’ve been toward you is  _ awful.  _ I don’t know what has happened to me, Commander.” I plead, my eyes scanning from his and into my lap. It’s too harrowing to recall how I had treated him in the past while looking at him, it pained me too much. 

My voice shakes between words as I draw them out. “I don’t know who I am anymore, n-nothing feels the same.” I feel like an upset child, unable to control the height of their emotion within their message. It was such a sad thought to expand upon, dying and never getting to thank the Commander for all he had done for me.

I can see his mind process everything I say, but since I notice this is the first setting where I am not afraid to speak my mind, I feel the need to unload everything that I had shoved down for so long.

“I don’t want to be angry with you, I d-don’t understand why I am. You’ve saved my life twice, I shouldn’t be mad. I don’t have much time left here, I can’t waste it being angry.” I pause, wincing at the idea of being dropped off on a foreign planet by myself. Expendable.

“Oh, gods, do you know what they’ll do with me? If I can’t fight, can’t train…” I trail off, searching his face to read his expression. He is clearly overtaken by the questioning, his eyes tracing the distance between mine as his brow furrows, but I am oblivious to what it means.

“Maybe I should leave? I sh-should leave now? I’m expendable, I have nothing to give the order now... they’re just prolonging the inevitable. I should get a h-head start and leave. Kaz is more capable at my duties than I am now, I’m—”

“Major.” The Commander finally interjects my rambling, placing a hand under my chin to yank my sight to meet his, coming to notice how serious his expression has grown. His face is set solid, but not in any similar way I can recall from previous interactions. There is something different this time I haven’t seen yet.

“Let’s get you to bed.”

His sudden and strong interjection stirs a glowing warmth in my chest as I blink away tears, staring at him in awe as I am helped to slow down, feeling his gentle nudge into the depths of my mind. I can feel him sift through my thoughts, his touch tranquil and radiant, smoothing down my fears as everything became clearer for me. My heart rate steadies dramatically as I study the features of his face, ultimately entranced by all the power within him. I fight off the compelling urge to completely melt in his hand, so content with how stable and safe he made me feel. I raise my fingers to wipe my tears and give him a nod.

He rises from his seat, leaning down and placing his hands on either side of my torso, under my arms to help me stand. His touch is inviting, nothing like Kaz’s. He keeps me close to him, but it doesn’t scare me. I go to mention where my bedroom was, but I remember he had done this with me before. I grip onto the material of his uniform as we walk together, feeling how solid his body is under all his clothing. He guides me to my bed, and I just then realize how ready for sleep I am.

He lets go for me to sit on the edge of my bed, and I reach down and fumble with the buckles on my boots. I wince and struggle, then watching as he leans over and undoes the buckles, sliding off each boot for me. I rub my face, scooting further onto my bed to lay down. He then stands idle by the bed, his eyes tracing over the foot of the bed, away from me. I quickly pull the long sleeved shirt over my head, fumbling slightly to take it off entirely. As it finally comes off I see him as he was ready to help pull it off for me, but retreats once I have done so myself. 

I smile softly, and simply pull a thin sheet up and over my body, too afraid to send him away for me to change, fearing he might not return. I am too tired to care about sleeping in my pants and undershirt. He stands oddly, looking around the room as if he’s waiting for a cue, not wanting to intrude. I feel my heartbeat amplify as I see how polite he was in my bedroom, still so confused by the feelings that stirred within me whenever he was present.

“She kissed me.” I murmur to him as my head rests on my pillow, answering his question from earlier on. My eyes immediately droop as I fall prey to the comfortable bedding beneath me, combatting to keep them open to see his reaction. He nods, his eyes meeting mine but then drifting around the room. “I wasn’t expecting it, I thought she was my friend.” I add on, growing sad, but keeping it under wraps. 

He nods once more, pursing his lips. “I felt there was something wrong before you reached out, it didn’t feel right from the start.” His eyes still scanning. I want to apologize to him, since he hears me thoughts so often. I feel that liquid courage kick in some more.

“Would you stay? Until I fall asleep?” I add on quickly. His eyes finally flicker back, lingering on me for a long moment as I find myself beginning to get lost in such a look.

I know I could drift off in a moment's time, but the idea of being alone and awake in my quarters scared me. I ease up as I watch him give me a soft nod, leaning down to his knees to meet my bedside. He leans into my bed slightly, his face a considerable foot or two from mine as he peers down at me. 

I turn to my side to face him, his eyes staying focused on me as they gleam in the dimly lit room. His face looks so dreamlike in this lighting, the golden glow from the kitchen seeping into my dark bedroom and outlining the side of his face. I can feel myself become more aware of how rapidly my heart thuds within this moment, wanting to continue to observe him as long as my sleepy eyes will permit. He continues to observe me as well, his face still soft but not showing too much emotion. But in this moment it was enough, I would take what I could get from someone like him.

“I would not worry yourself about anyone replacing you, Major.”

As he senses I’m about to respond, he opens his hand in my direction to keep me from answering. “I can see you are no spy, so The First Order has no reason to get rid of you. You are more than capable. But now, you need to sleep, to continue on that capability.”

He speaks with such certainty, nodding to himself as he truly believes it. The breath is taken from my lungs as I listen to him. Something so simple is nearly the cure for any negative thoughts stemming from my mind, most likely because such generous words are coming from someone like him. Our conflict had always stemmed from his belief of myself being the spy, but also the fact that I had once believed he was purposely drawing myself to him in order to corrupt my duties. Now, I felt that we both knew neither accusations were true. I found myself too taken back for words, and too caught up in his presence in general, giving him a faint smile and nod.

I close my eyes, feeling him carefully shift his weight off of the edge of the bed to kneel on the floor. Moments pass and another thought pops into my mind that I am unable to let sit and stew, left unanswered.

I recall laying in the bed not long ago, willing him to respond to me. Reaching out so strongly, in such a vulnerable position. As well as that instance, he had also answered while I was showering. My heart races at the thought, at a time where he had been far away, but his touch was very present. Now, the entirety of him was within arm's length. 

My face heats up and I let my eyes open to see a red rash stand out over his cheeks within the dimly lit room, the Commander stares back as if I had mentioned this discovery out loud to him. It is obvious he was fighting something off, his inner conflict very clearly portrayed this as it broke it’s way through his stoicity. Amongst the darkness that blanketed us, I can still make out how heavily his panting causes his body to sway ever so slightly, his jaw tightening as I watch his facial muscles tense together.

_ Sleep. _

I hear what he projects to me but I keep my eyes open, momentarily letting them linger on the features of his face growing more embarrassed, losing that constant composure of his so easily by a mere thought of mine. I finally listen, closing my eyes and picturing him cooling himself down. A small, uncontrollable smirk forms onto my lips and I let it stay before I drift off all too quickly, comfortable with the thought of one of the most powerful men in all the galaxies watching over me at the side of my bed. Throughout the night I find myself in a few nightmares, some small and frightening, others complex and painful to endure. Every time one begins, I can feel Commander Ren’s kind, but vehement pull as he removes me from any disturbances within them. He settles my mind for me, eliminating whatever threatens me from a peaceful night sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 16 pages! This one was so fun to write, the next few will be interesting as well. Thank you to those who keep up with my story, I'm so thankful to have the readers I do. Let me know what you think, and if you have any predictions for the future! I hope you're all doing well.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a pretty good one, in my eyes. (The next one will be as well, who am I kidding.) I hope you like it! I also really hope everyone is staying safe if they are choosing to protest in the states, or other places around the world. What's gone on lately has weighed heavy on my heart, and it was difficult to write fiction when there is so many awful things that are real and definite out there in our world. Once again, thank you all for reading! Let me know your thoughts, or ideas of what you think is to come for the characters!  
> xx

I am pulled from the depths of my sleep as I hear familiar beeps at my bedside, opening heavy eyes to reveal BB-9E eagerly getting my attention. I take in a deep breath as I stretch, feeling a terrible pounding in my head. As I rise I feel the magnitude of the pain, dizzying me as I struggle to center my vision on BB-9. He mentions to me that the Commander had summoned him to my quarters to keep me company in his own absence, giving me butterflies so soon at the beginning of my day. I groan, rubbing my eyes as I recall the previous night, regretting mostly every action I had made. Choosing to go to the bar, unable to fight off Kaz. Choosing to summon the Commander, quite literally blubbering to him about my deepest fears. Letting myself get caught up in my thoughts of him.

BB-9 fills me in on the time, two hours before the banquet is set to begin. This is what makes me feel sick. The idea of dressing up at a time where I felt nothing short of incapable and emasculated. Putting on a front seemed too exhausting, especially in front of so many people. I needed to find my repose, and prepare for a night of endless, mindless small talk. I suppose it was only one night, after this I could choose to remain in my quarters for quite some time, besides training classes or students one-on-one.

I carefully slide out of bed and onto my feet, BB-9 mentioning caffenation could be the salvation of my morning. I laugh as my dear friend lightens the mood, and I brew a small pot as I run the shower. In the shower I mull over the conversation between the Commander and I, cringing at how much of myself I gave away. He knew so much about me, and of him I knew the general amount the public was also familiar with. I knew he had a softer, more polite side to him that I was sure few others were aware of, but that was it. He had pushed his way into my mind in the training center, flipping through around 22 of the 26 years of my life. He might have known me better than Kaz at this point, seeing almost everything my mind had to offer him.

I stepped out of the shower, drying my hair. He didn’t know  _ all  _ that there was to me, though. He knew a good amount of my fears, my past experiences, opinions, the way I chose to react to different kinds of matters. He saw past relationships and bonds I had formed with certain students, my anxieties and worries at the time of becoming an officer years ago, as well as the ways I coped with those anxieties as I progressed within the ranks and became a Major. 

Although, he didn’t know me  _ personally. _ He hadn’t ever made memories with me, worked alongside of me, observed me in battle. He had simply read over my biography, but he did hold more information on me than anyone else in all the galaxies. Did he do that to everyone? Skim their minds so thoroughly, holding an expansive encyclopedia in his mind of everyone he’s ever peered into? If so, that must be exhausting.

I apply rapid heat to my hair, drying within moments. I sigh as I walk over to my closet, looking over my small choice of dresses to choose from. I was by no means someone who enjoyed dressing up, but I knew it would come in handy for special occasions such as this. It was between the deep red gown, a form fitting black dress, and a shorter, green dress more suitable for a picnic-like outing. I bite my lip, pulling out the black dress and examining it. It was purchased for me on a different planet, as it was too risky for me to be seen before our plan had been carried out. This dress was meant to be worn on a mission on Jedha, other officers had been given dresses or suits as well to fit the bill. I believe we embarked on this mission when I was 22, a month or so before I was promoted to Major. I had led other officers and troopers, strategically placing troopers around the perimeter of the large affair as myself and four other officers were meant to be inside. 

Unfortunately our cover was blown, literally, as the building the get-together had commenced within was blown up. We hadn’t known it then, but a bounty hunter was also looking for the same person we were, he had seen fit to take out the target, endangering many others in the process. Luckily no one from The Order was harmed, but myself and the four other officers would have been added to the list of lives lost if we would have left twenty minutes earlier than we had planned. I had worn the dress, but never got to put it to use.

I took the soft fabric in my hands, wondering if I could still fit in the dress. Without further hesitation I slipped it on, forgetting how revealing it was. During the mission, it was of the utmost importance that the female officers distracted the guards within the building, the male officers were to track down the man we were looking for. I guess I too could find a way to distract others from my most recent hindrances, simply with my appearance. 

The dress fit, but felt tighter than I had remembered, my body filling out the dress more adequately as years passed, my body changing. It was strapless, connected to sheer black, long sleeves that also spread across my chest and up to my neck. The dress fell straight and reached the floor, but didn’t pillow out like anything too extravagent. On my right side there was a long slit in the dress, exposing my right leg and a good amount of thigh. 

I grabbed a pair of tights, something to help die down how  _ exposing  _ it felt to wear. As exposing as it was, I did like the way I looked in the dress, coming to terms with how much older I was becoming, in wonderment of what my mother looked like at 26, maybe similar to how I do now. I ran a brush through my hair, deciding to keep it down as is. After applying a few beauty products, I felt more confident in myself than I had in years, something so foreign as of lately. I apply a balm over my rosy lips, smacking them together as I gaze in the mirror. I felt a bit more sure of myself, I had only hoped I could give that same message to those who viewed me at the banquet.

BB-9 circles the floor around my body in excitement, praising me for my looks as an achievement. He tells me he is proud of me for rallying myself together and finishing before it is too late, coming a long way from last night. I smile and thank him, and he then mentions he wishes he could tag along to see everyone in awe of me. I sit on the edge of my bed and grab my only pair of heels.

“It won’t be the same without you, my dear friend.” I tell him to appease him, he always grew rather sensitive on the topic of leaving my side in general. He could accompany me on certain missions or plans requiring his assistance, but otherwise he was meant to be in my office. I wasn’t sure how many people took their droids to the quarters at the end of the day as a companion, but BB-9E was certainly more than that to me. He was a friend, assigned to me when I became a Major. I also doubted many others were as close to their droids as I was, but I suppose he was different than others; a great help when it came to it, but always eagerly awaiting my return from a battle or risky mission, constantly worried about my well being, ready to scold me for not being careful enough.

I secure the straps on my heels, standing at least three inches taller than usual, not that I needed to be any taller. I had no need for my datapad or anything, and as I check the time, BB-9 mentions it’s a good time to get going. I turn to him, crouching down to his level to smooth my hand over the top of his head. He comments to stay alert, but to also enjoy myself, while keeping away from alcohol. I gave him a smile and a pat on the head before rising to my feet and approaching the door. I give him one last smile before I head out into the hallway, immediately tensing as I see pristine suits and beautiful, long gowns flowing down the hallways, walking in the same direction of the auditorium.

I grow a bit sad as I reflect on BB-9’s words, mentioning he was proud of me. Compared to other people, I had a droid as my closest companion, since Kaz was no longer an option in my eyes. I wished I could befriend others in a simpler way, but it was difficult. I had friends, but nobody I could  _ really  _ count on anymore. 

As my heels clicked on the tiled floor I thought of my parents, wondering if they were proud of my accomplishments, in whatever space lies beyond death. If it were even possible for them to peer down onto me. I yearned to know how similar I looked like the two of them when they were 26, most likely young and in love. I did know that my mother was my age when she had me, and my father was three years older. At the time I was taken away I was 4, that would have made them 30 and 33.

Even though I did not hold many memories of them, and I did not have a good relationship from what I remembered of him, I did wish they both found peace. I hoped they were proud of what I was working towards, even if it was or wasn’t the cause they believed in deep down. I watch as families take their children to a drop off area, as they weren’t allowed to attend the banquet. I fall jealous as I watch a father kiss his son’s head goodbye, shooing him off into a different room as the parents make their way through the hallway. I have to force myself to look away from the families, unhappy with the cards I had been dealt compared to theirs. 

Even though I didn’t agree with The First Order snatching children from their families on various planets, adding them to our cause to train them, I was stable with the idea of procreating as long as it was within The Order. I did see why they did this, to ensure no traitorous parents were to raise more resistance members. I understood that this also gave others something to look forward to, the idea of love and procreation.

I bunch into a turbolift with a small group of people, filling it to the maximum capacity it could possibly hold. It’s a tight fit, but a short amount of time to wait.

Everyone in the lift is dressed nicely, similar to me. Many different kinds of sweet scents fill the small space of the lift, grounding me and helping me remember that everyone was trying to put on some kind of facade, nobody was perfect. Everyone believed they were expendable; this made me feel more relaxed. My group is let off on the level of the auditorium, we spill out calmly into the hallway and descend down the sets of stairs. As I make my way down, I anticipate all of those I will see momentarily, reluctant to chatter about unimportant matters for who knows how long.

I stride through the open doors, entering the incredibly expansive, well lit auditorium. It held an ungodly amount of people, calming me even more in a sense—there was no way  _ everyone  _ could look at me. I continue walking, heels clicking against the linoleum floors, with each step my right leg peaks through the fabric of my dress, riddling me with chills. Someone is at a podium on the stage, congratulating those who had fought for our cause, honoring those we have lost. The entire notion of the banquet was silly, I felt having everyone in such a grand room made us vulnerable, or easier for someone else to navigate behind the scenes, unnoticed.

I felt that warmth in my chest, always letting me know the Commander was somewhere nearby. This makes me feel safe, the warmth almost bringing a smile to my lips. I wondered to myself if this was always how it would be between us, an everlasting fever that burns when the distance between us was diminished.

There’s light music played softly in the background, setting a calm mood as everyone around me is mingling, drinking. I hear bits and pieces of different stories as I pass by, earning a few smiles and nods my way. I feel a bit lonesome walking in empty handed, so I grab a glass of red wine, not intending to finish the glass, but to blend in a little better. 

I stand, surveying the large room and its grandiosity, recognizing many I’ve trained, or trained alongside of. I jut my leg back inside of my dress, feeling overly chilled as the room is especially cold. I hear my name called out in the distance, and I search the room for who it belonged to. I finally set my eyes on Leira, someone I had been an officer with, before I was appointed Major. I smile and make my way over, not before being hugged by someone on the side. When I turned to see who it was, it was Jado, a student of mine I hadn’t seen since before Exodeen.

“Gods Margot, how long has it been?” Leira exclaims, opening her arms for an embrace as Jado releases me. I laugh and lean into her arms, enveloped by her emerald green sleeves of her gown, unable to recall how long it actually had been.

“Far too long, you look beautiful as always.” I tell her as she takes my hands into hers, staring me up and down. I was informed of her background, or how she ended up with The Order; we were the same age, most likely brought onto the Death Star around the same year to begin training. She was a little shorter than me, with choppy red hair and bangs sweeping across her face. She lets go of one of my hands to twirl me in circles, and my dress fans out and reveals my leg from beneath the slit.

“Far too long indeed. And you look lovely Margot, I can’t believe my eyes.” She declares, continuing to spin me as Jado interjects. “I agree, I don’t think I’ve seen you this polished since becoming a Major.”

I roll my eyes, feeling my cheeks redden. “Alright, alright. And you Jado, congratulations on graduating to an Officer. I’m happy to see you’ve  _ finally _ made it.” I murmur to him, returning the blush to his own face. He was a big brute, a little younger than Leira and I, and it had taken him a few tries to pass his training objectives as a student in order to become an officer. It was mentioned he was taken as a child from Lah’mu, the son of farmers. They had “recruited” him because of his size as a five year old, without the parent’s acknowledgement. 

I knew why we did what we did even if I didn’t agree with it wholeheartedly, taking children, or even babies. Despite this, I could never imagine losing a child, or having them  _ taken  _ from me. I understood why families fought to keep their children, while their towns or planets were being ransacked, destroyed. I understood why parents died trying to keep their children from us, lying, hiding them, volunteering themselves in their child’s place. I believed I would do the same, if the roles were reversed, in an alternate universe. 

It was a sad thought, picturing his parents returning home to an absent son, and fifteen years later, still looking for answers. In my days of training him, he was different, his thinking patterns and execution during practice were always different, standing out from the others. I let myself wonder who he had gotten which characteristics from, his mother or father. A part of me hoped that I had done right by his parents, training him the best I could in the few times I got to. I hoped they were proud of their son if they were no longer living, I wished with all my might he could return to them someday, safely. Overall, I was glad to see him now, more matured, moving up in the galaxy.

“Can we go back to complimenting Margot? I think I liked that better.” Jado insists, grabbing my hand and twirling me around this time. I throw my head back in laughter, his spinning nearly causes me to spill my Vandorian wine. “I really am glad to see you here, Margot. We’ve heard of what’s happened, but we knew you could defy  _ any  _ odds.” Leira says stepping in closer to me, reassuringly. I bite my lip at how powerful a smile comes across my face, pulling her in for another hug. Other students and trainees of mine come by, getting to see Cora and Gil dressed up beautifully, distributing hugs to both of them.

I let my gaze settle upon the crowd again, falling onto Kaz’s familiar face off in the distance. I retract back a bit, timid of the very thought of being in the same room as her. I can feel my heart rate increase, observing her in her long, red gown, flowing onto the floor as she greets and hugs those around her. I watch her smile with joy, so golden and radiant, effortless. Such a smile once brought me such joy to be in the presence of, now it only filled me with confusion.  _ That _ was the Kaz I knew, mingling, bubbly and bouncing everywhere with every good intention. 

She was something else, when paired with me. Maybe our time was over? The expiration date on our years of friendship had expired? It was possible that our friendship was finished, for good. Revealing true colors to one another, seeing that we are no longer a good match. The thought almost makes me want to cry, but I sip at my wine to bring me back down to reality. This wasn’t the time to be reminiscing on better times, or cowering at the fact that the “better times” seemed to end whether you wished them to or not.

As I stand I feel that glow in my chest suddenly expand further in my body, difficult to ignore, and I turn to explore the crowd with my eyes as everyone rambled on. I observe the sea of people as the warmth feels as if it’s being stirred around within my chest, feeling nearly lightheaded. It’s a hard feeling to simply block out, or place on the back burner, the warmth so adamant on being felt. 

I absentmindedly wander off; the feeling inside of me continues to grow wildly as I aimlessly eye the crowd, my body electrified so suddenly and thoroughly. It was almost unbearable to stand still through, it was like I needed to find  _ him  _ and be in his presence in any kind of way, anything at all if it meant it would find its peace. I couldn’t make out any reasons why it would act up so strongly at a time such as now. There was a deep ache within all of the buzz, a kind of  _ longing  _ that needed to be fulfilled. I could understand who it was meant for, but I still couldn’t ascertain why it was directed toward him. Out of all the feelings I had ever experienced, I couldn’t understand why this one was  _ so  _ vigorous and all-consuming, compelling me to act on the mighty feeling at once.

It was unsettling to think on, but so intimate; touching down on so many faces, but not finding the one I was looking for.

_ To your left. _

I almost flinch as I hear his voice, so sudden and out of thin air, as if he were right beside me. I look to my left, scanning faces until his familiar dark figure comes into my line of sight. My breathing finally slows as I rest my eyes on his helmet, seeing he is wearing his usual attire. I’m somewhat disappointed by this, hoping that he would have dressed himself in something more fitting for this occasion, or at least attended without that helmet. Despite all of this, I was still thankful to see him here; he still held all that power he always did, so respectable and authoritative.

_ There is an unease about my appearance, Major? _

  
  


My eyes flutter as I quickly shake my head, then remembering we are having a conversation from across the room, which needed to remain discrete.

_ No, not at all. You look great. _

I fumble my message as I send it to him, my voice still entirely capable of stuttering and sounding neurotic even within the confines of my mind. He stands a far distance from me, but continues to look my way, very obviously staring off into the distance if anyone else dared to look at him long enough to notice. He stood alone on the outskirts, near the group that was playing music, a few other officials in his area, disregarding them completely. The Commander’s helmet tilts to the side slightly before responding.

_ I have no use for compliments here, not when they could be found more deserving directed to you. _

I let all the breath release from my lungs as I listen to his words, quite literally rendering me speechless, both audibly and inaudibly. I was beginning to believe that this was the nicest compliment I had ever received. I let myself stare out to him for a little longer, the two of us motionless as so many around us buzzed around. I had to force a nod his way, so solidified in this moment. I let a soft grin stretch across my face before turning away from Commander Ren to find my way back to Leira and Jado.

Then, the music tempo changes, and the people react. It is more upbeat, but still a calm song as it begins, while everyone within the room finds a partner. I freeze, turning to watch Jado wiggle his brows toward me, grabbing Leira by the hand and heading out to the center of the room. She gives me an annoyed glare as Jado tows her along to dance with him, I laugh at the sight. 

As I am prepared to stand by and observe all of the dancing pairs, I feel a hand cover the small of my back, guiding me toward the center of the room. The other gloved hand envelopes my right one sensually, curling their fingers over mine. Confused, I turn to see Auburn hair as he directs me toward those who are dancing.

“I’m glad to have gotten you before anyone else had the chance.”   
  


I let my neck go limp as I roll my eyes, he spins me around in a circle to face him, grabbing both of my hands to reel me in close to him. It takes a lot for me to not audibly groan at his comment, since this really wasn’t the place to do so. He slides our arms outward, together, placing my other hand on his shoulder. With my heels on, I am around two inches taller than him. It is a comical sight to see, but I don’t think it bothers him very much.

“You do clean up rather nicely, what a vision of beauty.” He adds, keeping our bodies close as he secures his hand to rest on my lower back. I try my best to avert my eyes elsewhere than his own, knowing I’d only find him scanning over my body. “Is it possible for you to wear this little number as your general work attire from now on?”

I fought to dig my nails into his shoulder, to shove him as far away from me as I could. Instead, I peer over the top of his head. “Oh no, you’re balding in your twenties? I didn’t know that was possible...” I lazily look elsewhere to annoy him further, seeing his uneasy stare glaring me down from the corner of my eye.

“I guess I deserve that,” the general holds me out and twirls me, quickly pulling me back into him, my body pushing up against his. “Although, that insubordination of yours is only getting worse, I see.” he adds on, out of breath as he speaks. I shake my head as my eyes trace the ceiling, probably the most beautiful out of all of them within the Death Star. I start to hear sounds within my mind, murmurs that did not belong to me. I grit my teeth and decide to focus on General Hux, afraid of what those murmurs actually were.

“Tell me, have you found out any more details of our little spy? Surely that has kept you busy.” He cuts to the chase, swaying me side to side, I shake my head. “Nothing yet, but you’ll be the first to hear.” I mention lifelessly, earning a smile from him. That was most likely false, assuming I would let the Commander know before the General, only because I trusted him a bit more. Even though the time we had known each other was short, compared to my history with the General. 

“Hm, that is what I like to hear. And your student? How has she been with you?” The General gives me a nasty grin as he asks me, causing me to think back on everything momentarily. I begin to grow irritated with him, trying to keep my thoughts as calculated as possible, not wanting to veer off my set path and expose myself to the entirety of the banquet and it’s goers. I feel my face light up with heat as I stew, thinking of a response, pleading for this to be over with.

“Let's not play games here, General. Cut to the chase. ” I sneer, knowing he already knew what had been done. Why she was appointed to Major, to help me out. There was only ever a need for one Major, the idea of two was nonsensical. “She seems to be very capable at helping you with your duties, you’ve trained her well.” His eyes never seem to leave me, so fixated and demeaning.

“But, it would be a pity to see you leave us. I’ve grown fond of you.”

I hear General Hux, but I am so overtaken with rage that I am unable to let what he had said sit within my mind. I had processed it so quickly, what it meant, what his angle was. I feel as if I could explode, grabbing either side of his ginger head and twisting it off in a fit of rage. 

Before I am able to react in any kind of way, that familiar black figure appears to the left of our swaying bodies. Appearing at the precise moment, in complete understanding of how close I was to my breaking point.

“I do hope you weren’t planning to keep her all to yourself, General.” His voice rattles within his voice box, calm and cool, but with no lesser amount of authority as he usually exuded. “I was hoping to, Commander. I do suppose her beauty should be shared. You two have yet to properly meet, I understand?” Hux alludes to the idea he thinks he is correct about, the Commander and myself already being acquainted. We needed to continue with the story I gave him in his office those days ago, to keep it believable there was nothing conspiring between the two of us.

“No, actually.” I speak up, slithering my grip away from General Hux. He gives me a sinister smile, thinking he knew more than the two of us did. He wasn’t wrong, but I wasn’t about to give everything away. We couldn’t give him one shred of evidence, belonging to whatever ideas he had concocted about the Commander and I planning an overthrow of The First Order. Although there wasn’t a bone in my body that could ever permit me to do such a thing against the cause I believed in, assuming the Commander felt the same, we still couldn’t give the General any leverage to turn us in. He could only know that the Commander killed those three men, and delivered me to the med wing. That is all.

“In that case, Commander Ren, this is Major Arkin. Who, quite possibly, wouldn’t be standing here today without your help.” His wording is laced with a hint of sarcasm, to which both the Commander and I pick up on. As nauseating as it is, we continue on with this game. I bow my head slightly in the Commander’s direction. “It’s an honor, Commander.” I tell him, giving it my best not to allude to any kind of sarcasm. The Commander nods in my direction.

“Pleasure. May I?” Commander Ren adds, moving closer to my side, moreso putting it out there than asking. General Hux’s eyes flicker between the Commander and I, before giving his response. “If you must.”

He doesn’t seem elated to be leaving me, but I most definitely am. He flashes us one last stern look before crossing the center of the room, making his way back into the crowd and disappearing. I let out a breath of air, brushing my hair off of my shoulder with ease. The Commander wastes no time, grabbing my hand and placing it in his, guiding my body closer to his. His other hand finds my lower back, resting there carefully. I notice onlookers as we begin to sway back and forth, the song slowing down to a more mellow tone. My mind feels somewhat overwhelmed by the sets of eyes scanning our every move, some putting a halt to their dancing to observe.

“Thank you for that.” I praised him, moving as his body does, forcing my mind off of the idea of those surrounding us. We are close, but more distant than General Hux and I had been as we were dancing, which was entirely  _ too  _ close thanks to him. It wasn’t really my call, just how the Commander had placed us. I went along with it, as it was no problem to me.

“It was quite obnoxious seeing him so happy, it needed to be put to an end.”

I openly laughed at his comment, momentarily leaning my forehead against his chest as we continued to rock side to side. I hear his voice box hum low, earning a chuckle from him as well. I take it all in, letting myself enjoy my first serious dance with someone, other than General Hux.

“You’re kidding.” The Commander exclaimed, his sound of shock passing well though the voice box for me to understand. I press my lips together and shake my head, embarrassed. “I’m afraid not. It didn’t last too long, at least.” I retort, a smile breaking through. I hear him give me a deep sigh, shaking his head. 

“I wish there was a way to make this night better for you, after experiencing such a thing.”

I take my bottom lip between my teeth and bite, feeling the warmth within me pulse as I laugh. I keep my eyes steady on his chest, or to my right to peer into the other dancing pairs. The Commander smells clean, a familiar scent to our time in the training room when he helped me as I was bleeding out. This was a kind of smell I could find myself wanting to always be around, to grow used to it and experience it throughout different moods, and different times of the day. I chime in, “I can just pretend  _ this _ is my first official dance, nobody needs to know.”

“It’ll be our secret.” He adds on, so attentively. I can’t help but grin deeply, this small talk was one conversation I didn’t hate. It made me feel good. Within this gleeful mood, I suddenly found it difficult to concentrate on this moment, as badly as I wished I could. Those same murmurs from before enter my mind once more, louder this time. It’s uncontrollable, piling on top of each voice as it floods my thoughts. I grit my teeth, sifting through these voices that grow clearer as more of them surface. I don’t know all of these voices, but I feel their presence, each different in their own way, different auras, different levels of power as they pushed through. No two similar in more ways than only one. I wince at the slight pang against my mind, feeling the Commander shift against me as he notices what has happened.

_ Breathe through it, I hear them too. _

I hear the Commander’s voice amongst the others, louder and more prominent. I do as he says, turning my head away from the crowd and pressing my eyes shut. It was almost like someone had put a speaker up to both ears, on full blast.

_ Just like that. _

I keep my focus on my breathing, feeling his hand nonchalantly slip out of mine and slide up my neck, carefully placing his fingers as the base of my head. I lean the side of my face against his chest, biting my tongue as I hear so many different thoughts, belonging to other voices. He pauses for a moment before reaching out to me once more.

_ Can you silence it? _

I shake my head carefully against his chest, wanting to run out of the room and cover my ears. Within an instant, my mind is quiet, besides the thoughts that already belong to me, or him. I open my eyes, keeping my head on his chest, reaching out to him.

_ Those weren’t my thoughts… those were— _

He cuts me off, even when reaching out to each other using only our minds.

_ Other people’s thoughts. It seems that you can tap into other people’s minds now. _

I lifted my head from his chest, confused, staring off to the side to see a good amount of people that still found interest in us. I made sure to make this dance look normal, as we were still communicating, disregarding what others saw.

_ This is a sight to be seen, I do not routinely dance with women at banquets. People will wonder, projecting to you and I without even knowing it. _

I huff, overwhelmed with what had happened. I let my fingers fumble with the material of his clothing, while his hand gracefully picks mine back up, placing my hand in his. I had never experienced anything like that before, only ever hearing the Commander when he wanted me to. This… this was too much, too powerful. Hearing those around me? What good could come from that? And why would  _ I,  _ of all people, need to hear it? I lose myself in thought, before hearing him reach out to me again.

_ You will learn how to use it properly, as I have. It will take time. _

This time I stare straight up at him, finding that he had been peering down at me well before I had noticed. I let my eyes trace his helmet, wanting nothing more than to see his face. To see some kind of hopefulness in his eyes, a kind of sureness. Something that would solidify what he meant, so that I would know for sure that I really was really in this position, and not overthinking it. I look back down, glancing at my hand holding his. Such a touch would usually fill my mind with wonder, as I’d think about what it all meant. Only now, I was too uncertain, too doubtful to believe that any of this was meant for me.

It felt like, for a moment, Commander Ren and I were the only two people in the room. So alike, sharing the same kind of force that lingered strongly between us. I shuddered at the thought, so alike to someone who was so hated, feared by many. This wasn’t who  _ I  _ was, these things weren’t something I could find myself harnessing.

I let my hand slip out from the Commander’s grasp, backing away and feeling his hand on my lower back fall. I open my mouth to speak, looking up and meeting the forever blank expression of his helmet. I see no point in talking, so I choose to leave him in the middle of the room. I pass through dancing pairs, some looking at me, others too entranced by their partners to be bothered by a single thing. 

I flow by many people, once again hearing their thoughts slowly creep into the realm of my own. I sped up my pace, wanting to escape before the entire room was able to fill my head. I finally make my way to the back of the room, passing through what I had thought to be an exit. The door leads me to a dead ended hallway, the entire left side of the wall covered with windows, showing the everlasting galaxy, and the twinkling stars and planets that surrounded the Death Star. The room is lit up by the burning balls of fire suspended in space, calling for no need to apply any kind of man-made lights within. 

I pause, staring out at the galaxy as my bottom lip quivers, folding my arms to raise my fingertips and brush over the skin lightly. I release a few breaths caught in my throat, my eyes falling on distant stars, burning bright. I wonder what planets they were, and what kind of life inhabited them. What kind of life could be possible for me, somewhere else. If it were ever possible to find my home planet, if I had any surviving relatives living out more simpler lives than I, lives that didn’t involve harnessing the force, being controlled by it so easily. This was probably the first time I had ever questioned myself, in regards to making sense of working for The First Order.

The door opens behind me and I keep my eyes set on the stars and planets, twinkling before me. I didn’t need to turn around to differentiate if it was him or not, I had already felt him lessening the distance between us before the door had opened.

“You’re thinking of going to a different planet?” He asks immediately as he enters, eliminating the peaceful silence the room once held. I keep my gaze in front of me, on the stars, answering him. “You’re telling me you’ve never once thought of doing so?” I counter, folding my arms in front of me. I hear him shift by the door, unresponsive over a few moments. Over time I hear the hiss of his helmet opening, and being set onto the floor. I find myself growing weak minded, realizing that he knew I preferred to speak to him, devoid of his mask. Finally giving in, I turned to face him from across the room.

It was the first time in a while of seeing his face, while I was sober. He almost seems hurt, but his general facial expression masked it so well. It was harder to read him now, but that didn’t stop me from completely losing myself in his presence. He had a hard face to disappoint, I found myself loathing to do so the more often I did.

“No, I’m not actually going anywhere. It was only a fleeting thought.”

He offers a small nod, his eyes glued to me as his chest huffs up and down, I see he has a whole bounty of questions to ask, but he keeps his eyes stilled on me. I keep my arms folded over my chest, turning my vision away from him and out to the stars surrounding us as I feel my eyes well with tears. There is another small silence that falls between us, and he decides to break it. “I’m picking up that you are… confused.”

I nod my head and press my lips into a tight line, keeping my vision directed out the window. “What is there to be confused about? The abilities?” He steps forward. I know that if I speak up and answer him I will cry, so I reach out to him instead.

_ This isn’t for me. _

He frowns at my comment, shaking his head. He is very obviously confused, he sputters a few times, trying to get his answer out correctly. “The  _ force  _ isn’t for you?”

I lean my head back as tears spill down my cheeks, wiping them away as soon as they begin.

_ I don’t think any of this is for me, I never asked for it. _

He takes no time to respond, so confident and sure as he delivers his answer. “Things like this don’t just  _ happen. _ The force doesn’t make mistakes.” He shakes his head, beside himself, a small smile on his lips not of amusement, but of shock. “There’s hardly any need for confusion, you only need to learn how to use it, without letting it use  _ you.” _

“Why are you so sure of that!?” I yell, yanking my head away from the window and balling my fists at my sides. “It can’t just  _ choose  _ me like this, when I have no use for it! Out of everyone who is capable, it just happened to decide on me? Taking over my life?”

The Commander’s expression turns even more serious as his head tilts down, as if I had already given my answer within my question. “Precisely.”

I shake my head, wiping my eyes free of the tears that escape them, jutting my leg out from my dress as I shift my weight. “I only thought there was something between us, but suddenly there’s more to it than just that?” I pose the question, discouraged and disappointed, as I could see my reaction caused him to feel the same way. “This doesn’t feel right anymore.”

If this meant I had to fight off the thoughts of those around me, this wasn’t anything I wanted at all. Worrying of what everyone else thought of me was already too much, but  _ knowing  _ everything was even worse.

He stared at me like I’ve given the most stupid statement to ever exist. “There’s much more for you to learn, this is only the start.”

I keep myself from physically pouting, already showing enough emotions to embarrass myself in front of him. This was a hard fact to grasp ast first, but I had grown used to the idea of being connected to him in some way. I didn’t care if it was the force or not, the link between us made me feel special. Worthy. Being linked to someone holding so much power was intoxicating, but the intoxication also stemmed from the electric-like current that flowed between us. 

  
  


My breathing ramps up as his facial expression changes so suddenly, surely peering into my thoughts, similar to how I perceived him when we had first met. Someone I didn’t know, someone I feared. Hated, even. “What? Did you think we were star-crossed lovers or something?”

I am quickly taken back, hurt even, by how easily he could flip a coin, showing the other side of him. My heart drops, utterly embarrassed. I wouldn’t be lying if I believed something similar to what he had mentioned, but once he brought it into the light, it seemed like a stupid idea… and I had made the mistake of letting my mind go there, so softly, so innocently. I shake my head, my voice rattling as I speak. “That’s not what I meant.”

The Commander begins to walk closer, his boots stamping on the tiles below as the stars have reflected off of them. I fight off the urge to back away, as he grows closer. I can feel the anger rising within me, but I really don’t wish to go there and tap into it. I didn’t want to argue with him, I wanted him to understand how I felt. I really preferred the side to him that was out on the dance floor, not this.

“Did you think that’s what this was? An illusionary thread between us? Expanding forever?”

I shake my head at him through tearful eyes, embarrassed with myself, but also with him, seeing how far he was taking it. “You are foolish to believe such a thing, we are connected because we are both strong with the force. You have yet to learn how to control it,  _ clearly  _ you’re not strong enough.”

“That’s not what I said.” I spit through my clenched teeth, heating up from anger and embarrassment the further he piled on assumptions of what he had believed was right..

“Lay it on me.” He bellows low, growing more sinister. I freeze in my spot, mouth agape and searching his face for some kind of familiarity. “Come on.” He teases. “Say it.”

I sniffle, digging my nails deep into my skin as I tighten the pressure of my balled fists.

“I cannot handle this, I’m not strong enough.” I let out an angered sob, frustrated I cannot regulate my breathing well enough to say what I mean without faltering. “I-I thought all it was, was communicating to you. I can’t handle any more than just that.”

He shakes his head, his eyes spanning the length of the ceiling as if he’s floored by my statement. “This isn’t going to be easy, but you have no choice.” He says, finally resting his eyes back to my own.

He ramps down somewhat, the strong expression painted on his face softening as he thinks about what to say before saying it. Even amidst my anger, I find myself lost in his eyes, examining the twinkling stars that stand out and reflect against the dark brown irises of his eyes. I’m trying to prove to him I’m not as caught up in the idea of him and I as he believes I am, and I still fell prey to how attracted I truly was to him,  _ deep  _ down, beyond the layers I had piled on top of it to cover up.

“You don’t have to be alone in this, you don’t have to run.” His eyes fall down from my own, tracing over my mouth. 

“I can’t live the rest of my life with  _ their  _ thoughts in my mind, not after what’s happened.” I beg, my chest heaving up and down as his breathing becomes angrier. That flash of sympathy once occupying his face quickly vanishes. “How have you progressed to Major? With all of these doubts, they still chose you?” 

This comment is what really gets me, stepping in closer to him, leaving hardly any space between our bodies as I crane my face up to his. “I had  _ no  _ problems concerning myself until you entered my life.” I bark between heavy breaths. That energy between us mixes with my anger as I tap into it, exploring my way through it, seeing possible decisions to make. It feels good, and I want to continue. I see a faint smile flash across his lips, within all the hatefulness and rage he exuded.

“Keep going.” He urges, his eyes wild and full of a kind of excited fever, eagerly searching all over my face. My eyes widen upon noticing how eager he is before me. I grit my teeth, struggling to breathe through my nose at the rate I was going.

“You want to hear what I really think of you?” I fumble out, my chest heaving so quickly I can barely get my words out clearly, so enveloped within my own rage, only brought to this point because he had pushed me in the direction.

“Please, Major.” He smirks, eagerly giving me his message as soon as he could answer. His eyes blinked rapidly as his jawline sharpens, his head craning down lower to meet my eyes better. “I think meeting you has ruined my life.” I start, his smile growing wider as he pleads me to continue.

“More, don’t stop.” I jump as he quickly orders me to continue on, so impatient, greedy.

I take a quick breath in at how good it feels to not only tell him this while getting it off my chest, but also getting to see how badly he wanted to hear me say it. “ _ You’ve  _ plagued  _ my  _ mind, I can’t ever think about something without you snaking your way in.” The Commander nods as I grumble my message, dripping hate with every word. He continues to nod, compelling me to continue as he growls, delirious with adrenaline.

“I cannot stand the sight of you in that fucking mask, like a child shying away from face to face interactions. That is embarrassing, you are  _ pathetic. _ ”

“Oh,” His eyes fall into the back of his head momentarily, before returning to mine. “Keep going.”

My body shudders, feeling a mix of sadness and regret within all of the hate that spread throughout my body. I meant this, but I hated saying it out loud, telling it to him.

“You’ve only brought me pain, even while saving me, you only made things  _ worse _ .” I gasp out, truly meaning this a good amount. I hear the first layer of glass to the outside cracks, stretching along the expansive windows. The Commander, completely blissed-out, revels in the energy we had created. I was enjoying it too, entranced by his pleas, telling me how badly he wanted me to keep going. I wanted to keep going, to hear him beg for it. The fight between how sad it was to hear him, and how good it felt, really wore down my body.

“Gods. Should I have let you die?” He chokes out, leaning in closer, tempting the idea of it all. Our noses have only a few inches between us. I nod, starting to cry even harder, letting the hot tears roll down my cheeks as my body pangs with elation, so sinful to let myself dive into. “Yes.”

Commander Ren gives me the biggest smile he had ever donned in my presence, scaring me, but also pushing me further, exciting me.

“Hmm, should I have let them ravage you? Until there wasn’t a shred of you left?” He provokes, barely making this out as he enjoys what this has done to me, as well as himself. 

Nodding, “Y-yes!” I cry out, my voice breaking in my delivery between sobs, watching such exhilaration flash over his eyes as they studied me every inch of my face, never stilling.

I feel myself coming to a height; I think about striking him across the face, scratching his eyes out, wrapping my fingers around his neck and choking him until I see life leave his eyes. I wanted to feel something, so stirred up between the anger and arousal I had so strongly felt toward him. It’s a scary feeling, but I act upon it, hastily raising my arm up to the side of us. There was no way he hadn’t heard the plotting within my mind, quickly jolting out and wrapping his fingers around the base of my wrist, so easy for him to do as his hand completely enveloped me, as if I were shackled.

We stared at each other for a while, breathing ramping down as my eyes searched his. I was so angry with him, as well as intrigued by such a man. His hand remains around my arm, holding it still as I don’t fight to move it. We both calm down at the same rate, his grip loosening on my arm as I let my eyes soften, less menacing and tempted to smash his beautiful face in.

He finally lets go, and I rest my arm down at my side, examining how well his demeanor matched mine. Confused, aroused, and hateful. I straighten my body out as he follows, our faces remaining only inches apart as we catch our breaths. I wiped my tears away, finally breaking eye contact with him for the first time in what seemed to be forever. 

I can’t find anything left to give him, exhausted from all it took of me to reach that point with him. I take a good look at him as he huffs, the ripe smell of wine filling my senses. My heels click past him, my dress flowing outward and wrapping around the side of his leg as I pass him, headed for the exit. I hear him reach out before I get too far, still able to hear his rapid breathing slowing down from across the room.

_ You need a teacher, to be taught the ways of the force. _

I feel a second wave of anger, giving in and letting it control me without a second thought. I clamp my teeth together, stopping dead in my tracks to open my hand out toward his helmet. Within an instant, it is within my grasp, without having to bend down and reach for it. If it hadn’t been for the amount of anger fuelling me, I would have been taken far, far back at the sight of unlocking yet another ability. I channel together all of the strength I had within me, despite overloading myself with anger toward the Commander only moments ago. I can hear his feet shuffling behind me in the distance, then going quiet.

I chose to slam the Commander’s helmet into the tiled wall beside me, letting out a frustrated yell as I did so. I retract, feeling my eyes gloss over with rage, a smile unable to ward off breaks out across my face. Once doesn’t satisfy me enough, so I continue on, striking the helmet against the wall over and over again, until I am satisfied. I see his slit of vision has cracked, the base splitting in all different directions, wrapping around the helmet, bits and pieces having fallen onto the floor. Ruined. 

I observe the wall, a large indentation made from plunging the mask into it. I drop the mask at my side, pieces breaking off. I exited through the door without looking back at Commander Ren, having received enough from my time at the banquet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a pretty good one, in my eyes. (The next one will be as well, who am I kidding.) I hope you like it! I also really hope everyone is staying safe if they are choosing to protest in the states, or other places around the world. What's gone on lately has weighed heavy on my heart, and it was difficult to write fiction when there is so many awful things that are real and definite out there in our world. Once again, thank you all for reading! Let me know your thoughts, or ideas of what you think is to come for the characters!  
> xx


	14. Chapter 14

I watch from afar as my student enters the training room, later than usual. Had he been his usual kind of late, I might have had an easier time tolerating it. He scurries up to me, already beginning to apologize for his tardiness. “I’m sorry Major Arkin, I overslept again.”

I raise my eyebrows and flatten my lips into a line. “Punctuality is an important part of being a trooper, and especially when progressing to Officer, Darro. I cannot tolerate this again, I hope you see why.” I watch him nod hastily, setting his bag down and changing out of his shoes, something he should have done beforehand, something that he would have had time to do if he could have made it on time. I pinch the bridge of my nose as I walk away, BB-9 grabs his bag and moves it off to the side of the room. My eyes peer off, meeting the space on the far side of the room where the Commander and I once laid, while he took care of me as I bled out.

I had been on edge for the last two days, since the interaction with him in the hallway near the banquet. I was surprised I hadn’t heard from him, after having smashed his helmet into several different parts. The newfound strength of mine motivated me to do better, be better. I wanted to focus all my energy during times like this, where I was training a student. I didn’t wish to worry myself anymore about the Commander, or what stood between us. I felt that I had taken it too far after fleeing the banquet, we both did. It was a scary thought, remembering how easily we both let our anger out, mingling together as one. It was an even scarier thought when thinking back on how much we had enjoyed it, basking in each other’s rage.

My irritated mood had stemmed from the interaction with him, as well as the fact that I wasn’t ever going to let the Commander get in the way—in any kind of aspect within my life. I wasn’t planning on pushing, or prodding further. I felt it was best to actually listen to General Hux’s advice, going back to my ways before I had ever met Commander Ren. Although I was still angry, knowing I had something inside of me that needed to be worked on, to use it to the full extent correctly. It was too much for me, I had decided. Nothing I had ever asked for, just something that reared its head at possibly the worst time to do so. Keeping away from the Commander, and not devoting any bandwidth toward thinking of him was the best thing I could do for my career, to prove to those around me that I didn’t need Kaz breathing down my neck during my training sessions.

I wondered about possible ways to get rid of these abilities, maybe finding someone who could possibly cleanse me of what was taking over, so I could get back to normal. Then I could find a way to get Kaz off of my back, prove to the higher officials that I was capable of working on my own. Going back to normal would also ensure that I wouldn’t be within the Commander’s mind as well; I knew this is what he wanted, deep down. I am sure of it.

I could no longer see what good any of these abilities could bring. This was for the best.

“What is there to learn today, Major?” Darro stands in front of me, blocking my view, pulling me back to reality. I gave him a sigh. “You aren’t already aware?” I ask, earning a puzzled look from him. 

“Deception.” I narrow my eyes at the boy. “I think you could benefit from it.” I flick my head in the direction of the wall, lined tall with an expansive list of weaponry. He does as he’s directed, picking out two metal staffs.

Darro is young minded, although he is nearly 17. He is almost at the age, a year away, from the time where young students are analyzed, to see if they are adequate enough for battle. Some students, even younger than him, that have shown exceptional fighting skills and techniques could be drafted if they seemed ready enough. Clearly, Darro wasn’t one of those students. He wasn’t one of my favorites, but I still cared for the boy. He needed extra help and a watchful eye to make sure he was paying attention to his studies. 

I feared that what he really needed was a loving family, something he, and many of us lacked. He had no memory of his family, being taken away from them around the age of two. I couldn’t tell if students were better off knowing their parents for at least a few years, like I had, or if they would benefit more if they had no recollection of a family at all, similar to him. I felt that we were screwed either way, maybe having a more fulfilling career in another life, where our destinies weren’t forcibly mapped out for us at such a young age.

I felt nostalgic of simpler times, training under the best, proving myself as I showed my strengths. Before I could question everything, as to why I was training in the first place. I craved the naivety of being a child again. I also hated to admit that I wanted a family, some kind of beacon I could go toward to receive love and affection. Darro returns with two metal staffs and I take one from him, grounding my mind in the present. I could still shape him into someone good. Maybe someday we all could move on from all this, a time where we didn’t have to fight. We could leave if we wanted, but still remain faithful to the Order, serving under it. There had to be more than the constant battles, traitorous spies, lies and deceit.

“What do you think of? When your mind falls on the topic of deceit?”

The boy's eyes squint in thought. “Resistance fighters.” He says proudly, alluding to his disgust for them. I nod my head, giving him a grin. “Yes, they are good at that. How do they make you feel? When you think of them?” Darro grows rigid at my question, most likely picturing what he had thought Resistance fighters acted like. He had heard of them, and was trained of their ways, but had never experienced one up close. He had yet to go into battle, experiencing the thrill of killing, and how sweet the victory could feel. It didn’t matter how it was done, as long as it was done in general. Over time, he would find his favorite methods of killing, especially those who sought out to end us, devoting their lives to taking down The First Order.

“They’re cowards,” He says as he shakes his head in disapprovement, “they’d do anything to bring us down. To see us fail.” I nod at his response, clearly riling him up from within. That was good he had that, he wasn’t doubtful of anything we had taught him. He was faithful to our cause.

“What would you do? The first time you find one?”

I watch the excitement fill in his eyes, more than ready to supply me with his answer. “I would kill them the first chance I get, I’d—” Before Darro gets to finish, I swiftly slide the staff outward in front of me, sliding it under the backside of him. His legs are quickly swept out from beneath him, his body flailing as he crushes down to the ground with a thud. Deceived.

He looks up at me, shocked, and I give him a big grin.  _ “Deception is _ a great tactic Resistance fighters have used, sometimes fooling those like yourself. We, on the other hand, are just as capable of using it against them.” The boy rises to his feet clumsily, grasping his staff beside him. I lower myself, holding the staff out in front of me. “I see you have much to learn. You are lucky to be trained by such wonderful people here, within The Order.”

I twirl the staff, keeping my eyes deadset on the boy, looking around his body for any kind of movement. I see him lunge his staff outward, and I block it. Despite lunging on my bad leg, I quickly learned to block out the pain. He tries so again, and I wrap my staff around his, tangling his arms together as I shove him back with force. He is unstable, struggling to find his footing.

“You cannot keep your eyes in one spot Darro. Watch me, see how my body moves before you. Observe my facial expression, as well as my legs, my footing…” I dart my arms out at him as he stares at my feet, smacking his side with a good amount of force. “As well as my hands. And above all, my staff.” I see he grows discouraged, but I flash him a smile to boost his confidence. “I wouldn’t put you in any situation I didn’t believe you could find your way out of.”

He returns a smile as he nods toward my comment, having gotten through to the boy. We continue on with his lesson, and I see how much he is capable of learning when he really focuses his attention on fighting. Darro excels as I push his limits, surprising me as he topples over them without need to establish new ones. We both work up a sweat as we continue fighting, it is a fair fight, but I still clearly have the advantage, along with years of practice and experience under my belt. 

Darro strikes my right, I lunge left. I strike his left, and he eagerly jumps to the right. I spin the staff above my head, swinging it out intending to hit his neck, but he hastily crouches down, like I had taught him months ago. As I take my staff in both hands, raising it in the air to strike him while he is on the ground in a vulnerable spot, I am struck with pain; devoid of any kind of blow he had delivered, as it was coming from within my own head. I drop to the ground, the pain so strong I am unable to unclench my hand from my staff, gritting my teeth with such force I could crack a tooth clear down the middle.

“Major Arkin? What’s happened?” Darro asks, dropping his staff to the floor. He kneels beside me, unsure of what to do. I rub my hand over my forehead with my other hand, groans of frustration making their way out through my teeth. I half expectedly feel a warm stir in my chest, beginning to heat me up. After coming to terms with the feeling I yell out in anger, slamming my hand against the floor, the pain pulsing in my mind and placing a cloak over my thoughts. “W-what can I do? To help?” The boy asks, frightened by the abruptness of it all. I place a hand out by him, shooing him away. “Go.” I make out, continuously grating my teeth as I let out shallow breaths. I watch him shake his head as I peak through squinted eyes. I finally let go of my staff, throwing it across the room, soaring much further than I had intended, watching it smack up against the wall. Darro takes notice, but is too frantic to comment on it.

Just as I hear the door to the small training room open, I see the poor boy’s body go stiff out of the corner of my eye as I continue to mewl on the ground, clutching my head. Darro makes out unfinished words, stuttering as this was probably his first encounter with the Commander of The First Order. My first interaction with him was somewhat similar. “L-leave Darro.” I choke out, my vision growing hazy, my vision drumming in and out as I motion him to the door. He shakes his head, his eyes spanning back and forth between the Commander and I. I hear boots approaching me, lessening the distance between us, the warm energy spiraling off of the two of us, constantly giving and receiving.

“Wasn’t that an order from your Major?” I hear him say, his voice box showing his intrigue for the situation at hand, all stirred up thanks to him. “Or would you like one from your Commander as well?” As soon as the Commander finishes his taunt, Darro grabs his bag, his shoes, and high-tails it out of the room. The Commander saunters over to where Darro once sat; he stands beside my body, towering over me. 

The pressure and pain in my mind is suddenly diminished, leaving me panting for a full breath. I believe to hear him chuckle above me, although I find no humor in this. I finally look up at him, craning my neck to see his helmet, newly adorned with red lining where pieces of the helmet had been welded back together. Since I had gained the knowledge that we were not on good terms, I didn’t see the need for any serious conversation with him. I knew he wouldn’t make it that easy, as he always had room for something unnecessary, or outlandish up his sleeve. I fight off the strong feeling of saying, ‘cute helmet’, shoving the idea as far down as I could, knowing nothing good would come from it.

“Next time, give me a heads up when you feel like disrupting my training session with a student.”

The Commander shifts above me, ignoring the comment by extending his hand out to me. I scoff and reveal an annoyed grin, before smacking his hand away and gathering myself to my knees to stand. I pause in the exhaustion that had overtaken me, slowly gaining back some of my control. He seems disgruntled as I had denied his help, his body tensing before me. “General Hux’s accusation, the one that plays on a loop in your mind... he was right about you.”

My legs feel weak, shifting my weight around to get the feeling back in them as I send him an uneven glare. “Oh? What accusation is that?” I ask, narrowing my sight down on the slit of his mask. He stands confident, rolling his shoulders back. There’s a small moment before he chooses to answer, where I wish he hadn’t shown up to the training room at all. I knew this was cutting into Darro’s training time—he had spoiled it. That irked me, but I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction. I was certain he knew what he was doing, I think he chose to do so because it would bug me.

“The one to the tune of insubordination.” He informs, obviously hinting to the slight satisfaction it brought him to see my reaction. I fight off a frown, trying to gain some kind of confidence to counter the immensity of his own.

“And? You’ve chosen to not reprimand me, ever. What kind of Commander is that?” I insisted, then coming to my senses and quickly shaking my head while waving my hand in front of me. “Actually, I don’t care to hear your answer.” I add, having grown agitated with him. Realization washes over me, knowing deep down that there was no use for snide comments, or stupid games with him. There was no true need to ponder why he surged through my mind with such power during my training session. 

I let my eyes waver on him for a moment longer as I let the energy between us spiral and expand, savoring the sinful feeling before walking away, knowing it would lessen the further apart we became. He had already cut into my time with Darro, and I didn’t want to let him spoil any more time I had with my final class. The smallest, most microscopic part of me, devoted to him entirely, was disappointed things had to be this way. 

There was an obvious pull from both of us, guiding us to one another. Originally, I had believed it was something else than what it actually was, or at least, what I have come to find so far. I saw him differently, after our emotionally fueled altercation at the banquet. I caught another glimpse of who he really was, what I had heard of. The man, absent of all of the kind attributes I had gotten comfortable around, like the time he saved me in the training room from bleeding out, or like the time he came into my room to console my drunk self and shoo away Kaz. If he switched moods this easily, he wasn’t worth my time or sanity. I wondered if anyone else had ever gotten to know the softer side of him, only to be met with the harshness of who he really was, and decide to throw away the notion of being acquainted with him as a whole.

“Would you like that? Me reprimanding you, for all that you’ve done?”

There is a kind of evil to his tone even I had not experienced yet, different from other occasions. I hear this and my body is plagued with goosebumps, listening to the purr of his voice, growing angry, dare I say tempted. It is intoxicating, the open ended question, leaving room to expand upon. Endless possibilities lie between us. But the haze over my mind clears up; more importantly, I yearn to explode, showering him all over with my hate and frustration dedicated to him. 

I didn’t want this, whatever amount of the force I harnessed, whatever this back and forth exchange we had was. It didn’t get us anywhere, and I didn’t have what it took to keep up with it all. I couldn’t entertain such a thought, or such a man when my career was on the line. I couldn’t even imagine him as a friend, as he couldn’t see how serious I was about holding my title. There really, truly, honestly wasn’t any need for him in my life, and I was close to the point where it  _ almost  _ didn’t hurt to envision this in my mind.

I turned to him as I met the door, seeing him standing tall and unyielding, awaiting my answer. I held his gaze with difficulty, even when he wore that mask I loathed with every fiber of my being. I sighed, dropping my anger and finally peering down at his boots. “It’s not my place to answer that, you make the decisions, Commander.”

And with that, I left the small training room, turning my back on the Commander for a second time. I immediately awaited some kind of heat, a blow to the head, a swift pull backward to launch me across the room. But nothing came, as I walked through the doors of the large training center. The glow in my chest felt different, turning into something else. Remorse? Longing? I shuddered as I made my way to the center of the room, students around me paying full attention and ceasing their chatter. I couldn’t figure it out, was I was simply swirling with power, having walked away from one of the most powerful men in the galaxy, or if I was struck with a sudden sadness knowing he  _ let _ me walk away, unreprimanded. Whatever it was, it was no match for the feeling that replaced what usually sparked between us while he was present.

“Students.” I called out, my voice breaking midway as I was caught up in my own thoughts. My eyes found Kaz’s from across the room, observing me. I knew she would be here, to keep a watchful eye, but it still surprised me when we locked eyes. “Major.” They all exclaim. I nod, letting them fall at ease. Ignoring Kaz as a whole, I weigh out the room, assessing what kind of mood everyone was in as BB-9 rolls up beside me, and I greet him. It wasn’t easy to ascertain the kind of energy the class gave off, after having just entered the room. I want to press my luck, having escaped the Commander with my life, after delivering him such disrespect.

“Does anyone feel like going against the rules today? Or at least, what we had planned?”

I’m immediately faced with a roar of positivity, as if I were a substitute teacher giving the students an easier day than the original teacher had scheduled. I was sure Kaz was wondering my motives, but I could hardly care enough about her. I crack a smile, sighing out all my pent up guilt and irritation toward the Commander. “I see. What would be of interest then?” 

The students erupt with small conversations amongst themselves, planning and plotting the day’s allotted time for training. I hear a few good ideas here and there, chuckling when one of them suggests going back to the cafeteria for an early lunch. “We should put everything we know to the test, and spar with you, Major.” I hear, followed by much agreement and praise. I purse my lips, rubbing my jawline at the idea. 

“Oh, you want your asses individually handed to you?” I challenge, earning a roar of laughter and friendly jabs. Everyone begins to applaud in agreement, and I follow in as students begin to circle around me. BB-9E eagerly, and hastily zips out of the center of the room and off to the side, wanting to be anywhere else but by my side. I can faintly hear him call out to me, pleading to go easy on the students. I nod my head toward my small friend in a reassuring manner. 

I see Kaz finding her way closer to the crowd of people, timidly ready to enter. I keep a watchful eye on her, shooting daggers her way. She catches on, acting as if she had something to stay. I continue to glare, thankful to see she gets the message and turns on her heel. I let out a relieved breath to see she has chosen to leave the room. “Who’s first?” One of the students yelled. I watched as one student parts his way through the sea of others, rising to the frontline.

Dominic steps into the center of the crowd, facing me with confidence. I absolutely love it, how sure he is he can take me on. As silly as a notion it was, seeing that they were constantly learning new things to continue on not getting themselves killed was cute. “I’m ready, Major Arkin, I can do this.” He declares, the crowd around us erupts with chants. I nod, taking in his energy and self assurance. “Brave of you, Dom. I’m not holding back, it won’t be long until your fighting alongside me. Can’t dampen down what it’s really like out there, understand?”

Tightening the elastic around my long hair, I watch the boy nod, reliant in his abilities. I like that he isn’t cocky, knowing he will put up a fair fight, and I won’t have to deliver any cheap blows. I square up with him as he does the same, both of us lowering down. Our eyes dance around each other’s bodies, similar to what I had taught Darro not long ago; keeping your eyes on their every move was important, tell tale signs of what moves they were plotting.

Dom strikes first, to which I avert and jab his side. The jab doesn’t take all my power, only a taste of what was to come without over exerting myself too soon. I quickly turn and he jabs again, letting me grab his wrist and shove it away from my body as I step to the side. He hurls forward, not exactly leading with a fist, but with his entire body. I fake left, and dodge right at the last moment, leaving him confused enough to side sweep my leg out, to which his footing is taken out from underneath him. He slips and falls, not before I move out of the way of his flailing arm. He is doing well, I just happen to expect his every move. I see him grow frustrated, understandably so. I shoot him a beaming smile as I huff, seeing his face grow red with frustration. I wiggle my fingers at him to come closer, to which he accepts. 

He runs forward with a fist in the direction of my face this time, but I eagerly expect it, as he was growing tired of falling behind. I duck down, delivering a blow to his stomach. I move out of the way as he doubles over, wheezing. I take one more chance I see, sweeping his legs out from under him once more. He thuds to the ground, and I leave him there. It isn’t right to beat someone while they are down, so I leave him be. As he struggles to collect his breath, he taps the ground, rolling out of the center of the room. Two others grab him and help him up, as I see Dana step to the front. “Great work, Dominic!” I call out to him, raising my brows and giving him a smile. I feel more at ease when he returns the smile, gulping down some water.

Dana is the same age, equally a good fighter. I hadn’t the faintest clue what she was capable of now, since it had been quite some time since we had trained one-on-one with. She eagerly squares up, ready to have a go. “Same goes for you, as it did for him. No handouts.”

She nods quickly, ready to get things started. “Yes, Major.” I exhale deeply, feeling warmed up from Dominic.

I square up, and we begin to circle around each other. She seems more careful in her ways, but she isn’t awaiting my every move. She watches my hands and face, but neglects my legs and feet. I grin, keep my hands in front of my face. Since I had let Dom strike first, I decided to change it up and step toward Dana first. I fake a blow, to which she flinches, pressing her eyes closed completely for a moment. I shake my head at her. “Eyes open, no matter what.”

She nods, I can see she is losing her confidence the longer I wait to strike, seeming she wasn’t going first. I fake again, and watch her flinch once again. Within the instant her eyes shut, I swing a leg out and kick the side of her leg. Her eyes darted open once I did, knowing well enough she never expected a kick, when she was stanced and ready for me to swing with my fist. This sparks something within her, and she reels forward toward me, swinging. 

I dodge the throw of her first, coming up behind her and wrapping my arm around her throat. She claws at my arms, struggling to throw my body over hers. I let go and she stumbled forward. “Good, good. That is the perfect technique, you just need to keep practicing it.” I tell her, watching her grow more frustrated, but nodding. I am excited to see she had learned how to properly execute what to do in light of an attack from behind, this drives me forward, filling me with joy. “Use that anger, it is a vital tool.” She leaps outward again as soon as I finish my advice, swinging a leg. Since I had watched her every move, I anticipated it, sticking my own leg out and blocking it. While she steadied herself, I quickly delivered a blow to her side. She cries out with frustration, and I egg her on by snickering. I know what this does to students, riling them up to see their real capabilities. We both move forward, her hand extending to my head. I raise a hand and block it, entwining our arms and shoving her away, but sticking my leg out behind her to trip over. She falls to the ground, panting heavily, as I pant as well. 

She seems defeated, slouching her shoulders as she stands, but raises her fists once more. She nods, letting me know she wants to continue. I nod as well, moving forward. She swings sloppily, and I simply step to the side of it. She heaves, swinging again. I let her connect her fist to my upper arm, to see her eyes light up. Those around us gasp, and I watch her smile. I smile the same, hoping this is what it takes to give her some of that confidence back.

She throws a better punch, to which I block with my arm. She throws another, and I duck out of the way, seeing her smile with each delivery. I decided she has most likely had enough, so I let her throw a third punch, clearing me to turn my back, grabbing her wrist and in one swift motion, hurling her weight over my shoulder. She lands on her back with a thud, groaning as she connects to the tile. I stick a hand out for her to grab, and she does just so, standing to her feet while exerting sharp breaths. I bump fists with her, praising her for the smart fight she had delivered. “If I were a Resistance member, I’d be long gone.” She smiles ear to ear at my comment as her fellow classmates help her to find a seat.

“Is there any room for an officer?” I hear a voice call out. I pause, expecting to see Kaz. To my surprise I see Leira part her way through the crowd with a smile. “Or do I have to be enrolled in your class?” I laugh, panting while I give her a nod. “Of course.” I chirp, those around us beginning to chant and yell, growing the most excited I had seen them that day. Leira sets her bag down off to the side, tying her hair back as she approaches me. She squares up, and I excitedly do the same.

Since she is an officer, her technique is much faster, more self assured in her actions as she delivers them. She throws the first punch, and I leap away from it as I see her throw a second punch quickly, to which I block with my arm. She had experienced the battlefield, she had slain the enemy. She had been well acquainted with years of fighting, while these students did not. She was an interesting fight, but nowhere near my match. She was able to quickly give my mouth a light jab, as I had become a bit distracted by the commotion from the students around us. 

As soon as her fist had met my lips, I snapped out of whatever distraction had once held my attention, immediately connecting my fist to her cheek bone. She stifles backward, dazed by my punch. She gives me a smile as I wiggle my brows at her playfully. I watched her spit blood off to the side, realizing blood had collected in my mouth from my lip, I spit as well. I had a ball sparring with her, seeing what moves of mine she anticipated, and those that took her off guard. Without audibly exchanging to one another, I notice that she displays old techniques we don’t teach anymore, but had once been taught to us as we were students. I happily comply, reacting as one would. 

We both add in more advanced fighting moves, and I begin to really get pumped up as we begin to deliver our blows pretty rapidly, like a choreographed dance. We are both very obviously tired, but continue for a while longer, loving every moment of combat against someone who knew what they were doing. I had somewhat of an advantage on her, but this helped me not over exert myself, staying on her level. After what feels to be ages of combat, devoid of mistakes, she raises both hands in the air, giving it a rest as her chest rises and falls rapidly. I howl with laughter as she does, the crowd around us cheering wildly. I take her in for a hug before she makes her way back through the crowd in search of a much needed drink of water.

At this point, I am  _ very _ tired, feeling as if I had one of the best workouts, if not, sparring sessions I had in a long time. My chest heaves up and down with each exhilarating breath I take in, truly loving the game of combat, the high of fighting with someone deserving couldn’t be found anywhere else. I don’t expect to fight anyone else, satisfied with myself, as well as the students that had put forth their best. I felt proud, capable, and in need of a shower. “Any more takers?” I called out, searching the crowd as I wiped my brow of the sweat that had collected over time, starting to finally catch my breath as my adrenaline ramped down. Students shake their head, nobody else wanting to step up to spar. I grew pleased with the day, having turned it around somewhat; students were enabled to learn from their mistakes, while those who didn’t fight got to observe and take notes.

As I huffed and caught my breath, it caught in my throat as I watched the large sliding doors of the training center open, the spark between us reignited in my chest, revealing the Commander standing behind them. As soon as heads turned toward the door, every one of them straightened out in his direction, immediately bowing. Bodies around me bent over as I stood tall, gnashing my teeth shut tightly as I crossed my arms over my chest. I see the Commander’s head cock to the side as it always does, the only kind of expression I get from him when he adorns that damn mask. 

He makes his way into the room, approaching the crowd as his cowl flows behind him. He unfastens it and lets it fall to the floor; he doesn’t have to make his way through the crowd, as everyone parts down the middle to allow him access. My heart races as he stands before me, my adrenaline driving through the roof and exhausting me further. “I hope I’m not too late to join in.” He expresses to me as well as the crowd, a grin most certainly plastered on his smug face beneath the childish mask. I shrug, too bemused for words with him. He searches the crowd questioningly, many answer out to him, giving him the answer he wanted to hear.

“Shall we?” He suggests, standing out straight in front of me. Fire erupts in my chest, almost putting the energy that stirs between us to shame. “If we must.” I shudder with anger and disgust as I speak, voice cracking. 

“Although, this is an unfair advantage. I’m at the end of my rope here, while you’ve only just arrived.” I express, knowing this wouldn’t end well if I accepted. My mind mulled over what he was thinking, wanting to push my way in and know for certain what his angle was, like always. 

He tugs at the fingers of his gloves, one by one, removing them and setting them on the ground. He bends his rather large hands, riddled with veins, as they crack and pop. “The only unfair situation would be one where you are backing down from a fight.”

I press my lips into a hard line, staring him down from the tops of my eyes as my head tilts downward in anger. Those around us begin to chant as he raises his fists to square up, I follow in pursuit, fighting for the life of me to keep my hands steady, despite how badly they yearn to tremble before such a situation including him.

_ Shall I educate your students on what happens when you disrespect your superiors? _

My eyes bug out of their sockets as he reaches out to me, steadying my fists before me to maintain some kind of confidence. My mouth dries as I grow intimidated even further, reaching out to him the only way I know how.

_ It’s far too comical to learn from you while wearing that god awful helmet. _

This stirs the Commander to begin to circle me, and I follow his lead, knowing well enough I had angered him as much as he angered me. Truth be told, he was not afraid of losing like I was. I already knew I wasn’t winning, but I wasn’t going down without a hell of a fight. We continue to cycle around, watching his every damn move, calculating what kind of moves he could make. Afraid of his training, as a jedi, as well as within all those years in The Order. How much more he knew than me, the sheer experience he had over me, killing his own father and  _ living  _ with that. It was overwhelming to think of.

I decide to strike first, swinging and missing as he leisurely steps to the side. He is huge compared to me. I turn around quickly to face him, so my back isn’t toward him for too long. I reach out again, hoping for my fist to connect his chest. He steps out of the way once again. I see what he’s doing, hoping to tire me out. I find my punches have grown more sloppy, less calculated. I breathe out calmly, hoping to regain some sense of stability. I throw another punch, where this time, he blocks it with his arm. My fist is corrupted by pain as I connect with him, my strength slowed down to an immediate halt. He is a strong, solid force, and it hurts to collide into him even the first time. I realize I’ve chosen to contend with someone well out of my range; I was skilled, but his power stemmed from all those years of hate and anger. He had the element of  _ trauma _ over me, within all of that rage.

I punch again, meeting the side of his arm, I draw back and hiss at the pain emitting from my fist. I hear him chuckle, and I quickly jut my leg out to kick his own legs, or to sweep him off his feet. Neither occurs, because he promptly grabs a hold of my ankle before it meets him. He yanks his arm back, my left leg giving out and sending me to the floor. I lay on my back, having the breath knocked out of me. I sit forward slowly, panting at his feet. He extends his arm out, fingers sprawling open for me to grab and stand with his help. 

I exhale deeply, faced with the same decision as earlier. I smack his hand away with much force, like earlier, choosing to rise to my feet on my own, full of groans and hissing. He’s standing tall, giving off waves of anger that penetrate through me, angering me even further. I shudder as I stare him down, unsure if I had more of his, or my own anger residing within me..

_ You cannot possibly want this, Major. I can kill you in an instant. _

My breathing falters as I hear him in my mind, echoing off my inner walls. I can feel the fire build up inside of me, choosing to tap into it and let it fill me. It sits with me, resonates with me. I eagerly answer back, grinning ear to ear.

_ Your grandfather would kill me, but you aren’t strong enough to achieve what he could. _

I watch any humor, any lightheartedness leave his stature. I see his head tilt down to focus on me, drowning out everyone else in the room, maybe even the galaxy, as his fists ball tightly at his sides. My eye twitches with anger and satisfaction, knowing I had hit him where it hurt. I could jump out of my skin, anxiously awaiting his next move. Excited to act upon all this anger and aggression I had stored up for him. His voice is so clear when he reaches out to me.

_ You can take this as your well deserved reprimand. _

Following the thought, he raises his fists out in front of him, immediately lunging forward. I leap out of the way, terrified and electrified, his fist barely skimming my arm. I huff as I steady my footing, but not as quickly as I needed to. His fist collides with my upper arm, sending my entire body to the side. I am awestruck, knowing what it would feel like if he were to take it easy on me, or at least fight without any anger fueling him. This wasn’t that, he wasn’t holding back. 

I wobble as I plant my feet still, remembering to keep my hands out in front of me. I lunge, swinging and missing, as he delivers a blow to my back. I fly forward, nearly landing on my knees. The crowd scoots back, giving us more room, the Commander clearly requiring more than anyone else did.

I turn as fast as I can, blocking a blow coming from him, his bare fist inches away from my face. Although I successfully block it, it still hurts like hell as I stick my arm out to protect myself. I grab his arm, shoving him as far away from me as I can possibly manage. He readies himself with hardly any effort needed, staring me down as I square up. He swings at a pace more acceptable for me, and I am able to move out of the way. I swing a leg out at him, only for him to grab a hold of it. His hands move their way to my upper leg, scooting me on my one foot closer to him as his fingers dig into me. He grabs a secure hold of my upper thighs, lifting me into the air and slamming me down onto the tiled floor. My skull hits first, following my body. My head falls to the side, coming face to face with his boots. I lazily roll onto my stomach, sucking in a sharp breath. I planted my hands in front of me to will myself to stand, bleating out with pain, dazed, confused and unable to hide it any longer. 

I stretch upright, my body swaying side to side. I gulp, readying my hands in front of me. I take my time, quickly striking his chest, successfully. He then grabs my wrist, twisting his body around and throwing me completely over his shoulder. I land on my stomach, my temple and the side of my face thrashing against the floor. I groan as I connect, struggling to fill my lungs with air as I draw myself up. 

As I raise my head, I see the Commander, timid to come closer to me, watching as I gather to my feet at a painfully slow rate, nearly falling over once more. I breathe in, my chest whistling lightly, lungs crying out in pain. I see he is thinking as he watches my every move, but I choose to throw another punch. He blocks one. He blocks the second. For the third, I have grown weaker, and he simply grabs my wrist, shoving me away from him sparingly before I was able to ever make contact with him.

_ Enough, Major. _

My feet stammer on the ground as I find it more and more difficult to stand still, without stumbling around. I pull up my sleeve that has been ripped by the shoulder, sliding further down my wrist. I grew angry with him, for putting me in this situation in the first place. I wasn’t done with him yet, I hadn’t gotten what I wanted from him.

“Fuck you.” I raged at him. I knew damn well that there was no way I could, or anyone else could disrespect him in such a way, in front of so many people. There had to be consequences to such actions.

I don’t let him throw the next punch, letting my hand swing out right to meet him; with no surprise at all, it doesn’t. His entire hand envelopes my fist within his own, holding me steady as he glowers down at me. As I am in such close proximity to him, he swings his arm, delivering a blow to my right cheek. My body flails to his left, completely shocked, smacking down to the ground before him. I lay on my side, my hands weakly supporting me upward as blood dripped from my mouth, taking me back to the familiar taste, from when he chose to take care of me in the training center, ultimately having saved my life. Now, he was doing quite the opposite.

The thoughts of those around us flood my mind, but I am too lethargic to pay them much notice, as I am a bit preoccupied otherwise. I can make out small details, there far too much to focus on, wonderment of what was going on before them. Some mention this is the best fight they’ve ever seen for free, others feel bad for me. I can hear many of them, wanting to speak out, to put an end to this. Despite this, they see the anger he exudes as he teaches me a lesson, and they have no confidence to speak out above it, too afraid of what will result from him. They believe this is where they’ve come to see me  _ die.  _ I know he can hear them too. 

The Commander leans down, grabbing the collar of my shirt, lifting me to stand me to my feet. Before I am even able to defend myself, he backhands the left side of my face hard, blood splattering outward and onto him, dripping down my shirt. As soon as he does this, my mind is silenced of those who once occupied it. I had no clue whether he sensed it overcame me, and had reached into my mind to silence them, or if he had simply exerted enough power as he smacked the voices out of me. My head spins around, neck growing weak after the deliverance of such a mind-rattling blow.

_ You’ve had more than enough, Major. Stop acting foolish. _

He shoves me back and I trip over my feet, losing my footing but still standing, miraculously. I spit blood before him, covering his boots, then taking a good hard look at him before I dug myself deeper into the hole I had created. Truly, a glutton for punishment. “Take off that f-fucking mask, you coward. Show them that repulsive face they’re dying to see.”

I know I’ve overdone it with that last part as I watch him stalk toward me, backhanding me from the underside of my jaw. My head snaps upward and I cry out, craning my neck out as my body is shocked still. He delivers another swift blow as I fall, his fist connecting with my stomach right before I collapse to my knees. 

I heave, sputtering blood onto the floor as the coughs wrack my body senseless. He grabs a hold of me by my upper arms, reeling me upward and onto my feet. My ankles give out from underneath me, forcibly catching myself before falling to the floor once more. 

I watch him shake his head, placing a hand on my shoulder and back handing my left cheek once more. This sends my body reeling to the right, he grabs my body and stops it as my head continues on with the momentum, dropping limp over his arm as my body betrays me. He spins me around, pressing my backside against his front. I recall a similar position from the night I was attacked, where one of the men had held me back. The back of my head lolls onto his shoulder in defeat, aware this was a position I didn’t have the strength to free myself from. 

I feel the Commander hesitate against me as I flash the feeling from all those nights ago, moments before wrapping his arm around my ribs to press down firmly, and squeeze. My eyes immediately opened wide as I jerked my head off of his shoulder, my mouth gaping as I shouted in pain against him. He knew I was once injured there, nearly healed, but tender enough to feel an immense amount of pain if enough pressure was applied. His mask is to the right of me, the distortion of his heavy breaths through the voice box making him sound nothing short of a monster. My fingers claw at the material on his arm, legs lifting off the ground and kicking around as he presses further and further into me despite my cries. Old wounds reopen, bones puncturing and cracking within me.

I writhe against him as he continues to press into me, exhausting the air from my lungs as my cries grow more scared and hoarse. The faces of the students before us is what then catches my eye as I succumb to all of the pain inflicted upon me, sheer terror flashing across their expressions, sets of eyes the widest I had ever seen. My eyes then filled with tears, their faces growing blurred; I grew astonished such pain could be delivered by him.

He takes a handful of my collar, releasing the pressure around my ribcage and shoving me to the floor on my frontside. I slam down, but do not stir. This time, I am unable to find the strength to lift myself up, or to even roll over onto my backside. I keep the side of my face against the cold floor, wheezing and whistling as it is an immense struggle to breathe, feeling every rib he had re-cracked as my lungs expanded. 

My mouth gapes open to let in as many shaky breaths my lungs would permit, blood pooling from my mouth into a puddle on the floor. The air in the room is stale, from the constant breathing and exchanges of sweaty punches. I feel hot tears fill my eyes as they are halfway closed, quickly rolling down the side of my cheek and dripping onto the floor. The Commander had  _ demolished me _ , I had not an ounce of fight left in me.

“Everyone out, at  _ once. _ ” He exclaims with such booming power, filling the entire room. I then hear multiple pairs of feet hastily booking it toward the exit, my blurry vision watching sets of boots rush past. The pain within me, all around me becomes too much to bear. With every breath out I hum with pain, soft sobs breaking their way through once the room had been cleared out entirely; breathing quietly had become too difficult. The room had fallen silent, and I heard the Commander drop to his knees beside me, hurriedly removing his helmet and throwing it aside. 

He quickly, but carefully, wraps his arms from the underside of me, turning me and laying my upper body onto his lap. He held me up, supporting my neck by placing the base of my head in the crook of his arm, his hand snaking around and gripping my forearm. He wipes the tears from my eyes, helping me see better. He then places the sleeve of his uniform against my bottom lip from where it had split open, stopping the bleeding. I struggle to stare at him, his face awash with splotches of red, his hair sticking to the sweat lining his face. I noticed this and didn’t feel he had really put up a fight, as I had exerted much more effort than he had. 

My eyes grow heavy as his body pants rapidly against mine, his eyes darting around my face. I can’t help but cough, gargling on the blood that has made its way to my throat. He delicately places his right hand on my stomach, willing his eyes shut as he slows his breathing through his nose, calming himself down. I hum as I breathe, wincing and wheezing as I feel the shards of ribs poking my lungs. He continues exerting his efforts to me, as I feel myself fill up with his warmth, the same familiar kind that exists between us. 

The energy circles around us, as if a gust of wind had found its way to seep  _ into  _ my body. It feels warm, and apologetic as it paints over the pain in my body. His large hand expands over most of my stomach, heat radiating from his bare hand and seeping through the material of my clothing. The amount of emotions I could sense, flowing out of him and into me was too profound for me to comprehend, emotions he usually didn’t show. He bared so much, pouring himself into me. 

It was the most peculiar instance, feeling what I had usually felt between us, but then feeling what he felt from his side. I could feel his worry, the regret, how badly he didn’t want to hurt me. Before I knew it, the pain from my ribs had been eliminated, the soreness from both sides of my face, as well as my jawline now gone. My then swollen and bleeding bottom lip dies down, no longer irritated and swelling. I no longer tasted blood in my mouth, everything ramping down to what it once was. The open cuts and bruising on my knuckles dissipated, revealing smooth skin once he finished.

I suck in a deep breath of air, clear and long as I now only feel exhaustion from over exerting myself. His eyes snap open abruptly the moment he finishes, meeting my own as I find it easier to keep mine on him. I find he is now tired, having healed me. He is good at putting on a front, dedicating all his attention to me. I feel absolutely horrible with myself, having pushed him so far, giving him an ultimatum: letting the students see how I disrespected him, and walk away from it, or punish me for what I had chosen to say. I went too far, I could admit, fueled by the anger of our last interaction, where we were at each other’s necks. He shakes his head, his hand smoothing over my stomach and making his way to the side of my face, wiping away sweat and blood.

“Why do you choose to defy me? When I only wish to help you?” He begs, his voice pleading and soft. I let a shaky hand wrap around his wrist, my fingers making soft circles on his exposed skin. I am taken back by such a tone, only moments before he was enraged, nearly beating me within an inch of ending my life. Now, I was faced with the Commander that had saved my life twice, this quite possibly being the third. The man that had helped take my inebriated self to bed, safely watching over me and keeping me from the nightmares that snaked their way into my head.

My eyes well with more tears as I search his face, wishing to see this side of him more often. I reflected back to how quickly he turned to anger the night of the banquet, how sweet of a man he was as we danced in the center of the room. It didn’t seem that I could have one or the other, I had to be content with dealing with both sides of him, the light and the dark. Either choosing to step into the light whenever he wished, or whenever either was strong enough to outweigh the other and take over him completely. I knew that if I gave in, right here and now, I would have to balance both sides of him. Surrounding myself with that would be difficult, as it had already proved itself to me.

I am at a loss of words, even the kind I could reach out and send to him without speaking. My bottom lip juts out as it quivers, overwhelmed and ashamed in myself, more tears spilling down my cheeks. I see his eyes gleam, but never welling with tears like my own. I grow tired in his arms, ready for sleep, but begging to stay awake to see him in this light. If I only got to see this side of him while I was beaten down, bleeding out, or preyed on by mysterious men, it wasn’t worth it. I couldn’t accept his callousness in times where I only asked him to be civil, and I didn’t want to only ever see his caring side when he was driven to it at extreme measures.

His calloused thumb delicately rubbed circles around my cheekbone, the rest of his fingers entangling through my hair and sprawling the side of my head in support. My free hand gripped his upper arm as I noticed myself falling slack, knowing there was nothing of use for me to make out to him now, not while I was this defeated, this exhausted. I see him nod, understanding what I had told him, without really trying to.

“Let’s get you to bed, Major.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope y'all like this one! I have the next two written, so I could possibly upload those sooner than usual! What do you think happens next? Did anyone think they were gonna *kiss* here? Noo way, I'm not thattt easy. Things can't ever be that easy in my book ;-) Thank you for reading! xx


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Omg, that was so fun to write, all 17 pages of it. I feel kinda evil ending this chapter the way I have, what better ending for a potential first kiss, right? Not! ;-) although I'm sure it would have been great, I have better plans. Let me know your thoughts about this chapter and ideas about what could possibly happen next!  
> Thank you for reading, I really appreciate it and the feedback I get <3 xx

**Name: Rix Drimen**

**Improvement: In all areas but what he needs most, to graduate from student to stormtrooper.**

**Areas to improve: Confidence, as he is weary of the battlefield. He very obviously wants to fight, but when it comes to it, he freezes.**

**Allotted time: 2 hrs.**

**New Message from the General**

I pause my work on the datapad, seeing the latest alert. I am timid to click on it, seeming that nothing coming from him was ever good these days. I give in, tapping on the message. I read over the simple words and frown, switching the datapad off. It expected me to meet him in his office, with no further instruction. BB-9 hasn't been relayed the message, so I inform him of what has been asked of me. He scurries around, worried. He expresses his feelings toward such a message, mentioning nothing good could come from something so discrete. I did agree, not trusting the General enough to meet him somewhere alone again, not after last time and the events following. 

I knew there was no use in fighting, either, or bringing BB-9 to accompany me, as much as I wished I could. The general was my superior, at the end of the day. If there was a problem, I could leave. If this would have happened days ago, I would have thought of the idea of reaching out to the Commander. Now, it was a foolish idea. I didn’t want to have to rely on him anymore, after all he had done for me. I also remembered I needed to distance myself, for my own good.

Thinking of the Commander, as fleeting and fast as it was, didn’t feel good. For the entirety of today I had felt a sunken feeling in my chest, especially when my mind wandered to the idea of him. I couldn’t put my finger on the cause, either being from yesterday, where he had viscerally torn me apart in front of my students, or the moments following after, showing me how much he had regretted it. How moved he was to see me so broken, immediately healing me to show he was sorry, taking it all back. I rose to my feet, my body still sore from fighting him yesterday, but nothing I couldn’t handle, nothing that wouldn’t last a day or two more.

I tuck in my chair as BB-9 runs down his list of precautions to take when dealing with the General, keeping a lookout on the way there, as well as on the way back. I nod to ease him down, telling him I will do just as he says.

I feel that abyss in the pit of my stomach, worrying me to no end. I bid a farewell to BB-9, mentioning I’ll return to my office and finish the outlines and assessments we had been filling out of my students' progress. I make my way into the hallway, the door sealing shut behind me as I begin my walk, a short one at that. Turning the corner, I feel less and less confident of the days ahead, scared of them. I couldn’t ascertain why, as I was slowly working toward getting my title to my own again, constantly healing, striving toward something better. Something wasn’t right, I could sense it. It came from deep within, looming over me, like a dark cloud. I wished it would move on, assuming it was something the force had plagued me with, something I would have to get used to. I didn’t want to get used to anything, I wanted out of it. For things to go back the way they were, to _ normalcy.  _

As I absentmindedly pass a control room, I take notice that the door is open for anyone to enter, smoke lightly billowing out into the hallway as I pass through. I backtrack, fixing my eyes on such a sight. I peer my head in, watching as a technician assesses the damages. Blinking lights fizz and spit sparks all around; control boards were smashed in, with looking to be fist-like indentations. Panels lining the walls were torn out, sliced through, wires hanging from them and different units on the ceiling. Mainly everything had been singed by a lightsaber. Drips of plastic melt downward, landing on the floor and solidifying as it dries, the saber having melted through the different screens and control boards. All kinds of distorted beeps coming from the wreckage of appliances, alarming us that something had gone awry.

The technician turns to me, quickly bowing. “What’s happened here?” I demand, examining all that surrounds me. The blonde man shrugs, shaking his head toward all the broken boards and buttons, surely all meaning something. “The Commander happened, that’s what.” He scoffs as he motions toward the wreckage, then bowing his head once more and exiting the room. Commander Ren had done this? I had heard of him taking out his frustrations on people, on rooms, anything around him. But why today? 

I stalk the room, sliding my hand across the broken panels, pieces of metal chipping off and falling onto the floor. The feeling within me grows stronger, more causation to be timid of the General and his message to meet. This makes me want to retreat back to my quarters, alone. My chest aches, knowing the Commander was here not long ago, something surely having peaked his anger. Because of me? I sigh, lighting tracing my fingers over the buttons that weren’t already smashed in. 

I hear multiple steps from behind, entering the room. I whip around to see two first order executioners, dawning their usual black and white attire, and General Hux. The two grab ahold of both my arms, restraining my wrists together with cuffs. They secured their grip onto me while placing their other hand firmly on my back to keep me still and between them. I begin to panic, knowing nothing good comes from being within their grasp. My jaw drops as the General leans against the door frame, a sinister, ugly look on his face.

“Didn’t receive my message, I see.” He taunts simply, his head slowly turning to the side as his eyes focus on me. “What is this about?” I ask, glowering at him. I make sure to keep my voice calm and collected, as all of this could be a misunderstanding. There could be a way out of this, if he truly had some kind of dirt on me. “Tsk, tsk. I was bound to find out sooner or later, Major.” 

My stomach sinks as he steps out of the control room, the executioners dragging me along and following in his pursuit as my sanity is left behind in the control room. I keep my mouth shut as we follow the General, silently praying to whatever higher power there was that I would make it out of this situation with my life, not yet ready to turn in yet, with everything going on. These last few weeks had been the high point of my life, surely.

I forage my mind for what I could do, what angle I could argue all of this from. He had to know of my force sensitivities, and was going to have me killed for it. We passed through hallways, stepping onto a turbo lift, halting others from entering to leave us be. There is a deafening silence on the lift, absent of any jokes, or hard hitting comments that could rise from the General. I believe this is what terrifies me most, his lack of comedy for the situation. He had nothing to say, nothing to bait me with, dangling something over my head as I knew him to regularly do. This only meant my death was approaching, and he had no use of adding on anything else. I swallow down the urge to put up a fight.

How had he found out? He wasn’t force sensitive for all I knew, there was no way he could peer into my mind like the Commander could. The  _ Commander.  _ Did he know of this? Did he sell me out, after yesterday? I had belittled him in front of my class, as he struck me down countless times, and I continued on. I made a fool out of him in front of my students, something that couldn’t be done without a lesson learned. Was this truly my reprimand for all I had done to him? All the times I had disrespected him, walked away from him?

I couldn’t believe that, despite all signs pointing to that story. After our fight in the training center, he was so gentle, so attentive with my wounds as he healed me in his arms. We didn’t speak much, he had said enough with his actions. He was  _ sorry  _ for taking it so far, I was too. He couldn’t have outed me, after what he had told me the night of the banquet. I had it in me, and he was willing to teach me. This didn’t seem like such a bad option to choose now, when faced with my imminent death at the hands of General Hux, of all people. 

My throat grows dry as we step off the lift, descending down the hall. My nerves getting the best of me, wishing there was an easier way out. Of all times I was faced with death, I was always confident I would make it out alive; I didn’t have that element now. Other times I knew I had come close, and escaped by an inch, luck constantly on my side. The four of us silently step onto a different lift, so caught up in my thoughts to not notice how much ground we had covered.

Now, everything was more calculated, more definite. If I were to die, I would die, no questions asked. I couldn’t fight my way out of this, if the Order truly wanted the deliverance of my death in light of becoming familiar with the force.

We step off of the second lift, quickly starting down the hallway, never having been in this section of the Death Star before. I could see the General’s haste to get to our destination, the executioners by each side of me briskly keeping up with him. I yearned for a different option, as I could always find my way out in the past. This option was too bleak, too full proof. I couldn’t fight my way out of this one, for the first time in my life. This was a fight I would lose, and I knew it well beforehand. This was much worse than the mere  _ idea  _ of death, or entertaining it in general. Knowing it was coming, and doing something to avoid it, fighting it off was something. This was entirely different, awaiting, knowing it was certain.

As we stride down sets of stairs, my mind falls on the Commander, no surprise there. I felt the urgency to reach out to him, to ask him what all of this was about, if he knew what was happening. I truly didn’t expect him to turn me in, and I was growing more and more scared the longer it took to get to where the General intended to deliver me. My heart races at the thought of Commander Ren, if these were truly my final moments alive, I would never get to see him again. My last encounter with him in the hall of my quarters, where he had helped me make it to my room safely after pummeling me in the training center. 

I beat myself up, mentally, wishing with all my might to have made our last moments better, more special. We hadn’t said anything on that dreary walk, he had simply helped me out, and I thanked him. I didn’t even get to see his face, as he had fastened his helmet back on in the presence of others. I should have said something, asked him to stay the night again, watching over me as I slept. Anything would have been better than the reality, unable to live with it if this were truly our ending. Never getting to figure out why we were connected, never fully understanding the man behind the mask. Between the constant back and forth of his attitude, I had seemingly given up on him. After reflecting on this, I regretted everything. Every single time I had made him feel inferior, or turned him away. There had to be some good to him, it seemed it was deep within him. Now, I was never going to figure him out.

I deduce that calling out to him would be of no use, already placed far enough into this situation as if. Even in a different circumstance, what good could it bring? Nobody had done this to me, I did it to myself. I dismiss the thought of Commander Ren, shoving my regret and the guilt that followed as far down as I could find. He couldn’t help me, and I didn’t have it in me to disturb him.

As we reach the end of the stairs, tall, red doors at the end of the long hallway fill my vision, finally understanding where we were, coming to terms with my demise. My heart begins to pound, blurring my eyes with such force. I shout, thrashing against the executioners. They are strong, but the two of them have outmatched me, especially after I had exerted myself to such an extent just yesterday. I swivel my body between them, yelling pleas to let me go. Screaming to the General,  _ begging  _ him for anything else. He ignores me, speeding up his pace, lessening my time to figure a way out. We get closer to the doors and I begin heaving, my heart pulsing too fast for me to keep up with my breaths. I let my legs drag on the floor, the executioners on either side of me ceasing to pause, only grasping onto me tighter to make it easier. My boots squeal against the floor as they drag me, I try to stall as long as I can but to no avail. There was no escaping this.

My body convulses as the doors open, my erratic pleas cutting to an end. General Hux enters first, stepping out and to my left. The two at my sides throw me outward, sending me to my knees on the floor in the middle of the throne room. I pant, raising a leg to kneel as the General does off to my side, both of us keeping our heads down to the ground. My eyes are pinned to the tiled floor, not daring to budge a single muscle until I was instructed to do so. I feel as if I could vomit in front of him, each and every one of my nerve endings burning with such a fire.

“You have brought me someone, General Hux?” I startled as his grand voice called out from the throne, filling every inch within the room. His voice is deep and illustrious, absolutely terrifying to be in the presence of, or simply sharing the same room. I see the General rise to his feet out beside me, walking to my side. “I have, Supreme Leader. A spy.”

My eyes dart out of my head as I hear his words, his hand clamping down on the backside of my collar, forcing me to my feet. I stumble as I jump at his sudden, forcible grasp. My eyes do not waver away from the spot on the floor before me, horrified to raise them and meet with him, the most powerful man in the galaxy.

“A Major, I’ve been told. Good work, General.” He bellows from across the large room. For a split moment I go to counter this, to open my mouth and beg for mercy. To mention they had everything wrong, that I could never betray The Order. But I do not, I am simply too taken back for words, watching everything play out in front of me as if I wasn’t really, truly there. This wasn’t happening, such a thing couldn’t ever happen to me.

“Bring out the second.” The General calls out to the Imperial guard across the room. Dressed in a haunting red, he opens the doors and reveals, to my horror, Kaz. I can no longer fight to keep my body still, shaking uncontrollably as I observe the blank stare on her face, being shoved into the center of the room to my far right.

“Ah, yes. I see how this has worked in your favor. The teacher and her student, a likely team of spies.”

My body pulses with every word he makes from the throne, so prominent and loud it vibrates into me.  _ We  _ were believed to be the spies. My mouth lets a sob escape as the General grabs a hold of my shoulder to hold me steady, grabbing and ripping off my multiple badges. Tears well in my eyes as I am stripped of my title, metaphorically as he tosses the badges out and onto the floor in front of us. He reaches to rip off the last one, his lips gently brushing against my cheek discreetly, unable to move away from him as I watch him fling the final badge onto the tiled floor.

“Do you have anything to say for yourself, Major? Someone that has been with us for so long, only to amount to this... this treachery?” He calls out. My eyes finally waver up to him, taking in a long, harrowing drink of such a man. He was truly a terrifying sight to see, adding on conversation to this was just about the scariest encounter of all time. I felt as if I were out of my body, unable to string together words, unable to  _ fight  _ for my life. Fighting for my life by means of combat was the norm, but this was out of my capabilities.  _ Convincing  _ my innocence? I was so far into it now, it almost didn’t seem worth it.

“I...I…” Fumbling with my words, I search between the space of Kaz and the Supreme Leader, scavenging my brain of anything useful to me. The General kicks me to my knees, as the Imperial Guards shove Kaz down to hers. Her face is still blank, expressionless as she stares me down from across the room. The General keeps his hand fastened securely on my shoulder, his fingers digging into me and keeping me down, like an animal. I needed to say something, to stand up for myself, but I didn’t know how.

“I didn’t d-do anything. I could n-never.” I croak, swallowing down sob after sob. I feel utterly hopeless, not sounding the least bit convincing in my argument, one that is meant to save my life. I always prided myself to be rational and hard headed when it was needed. And now? That woman was nowhere near me to tap into. It was as if all my days or training others, leading fighters into battle, killing for our cause with a smile on my face, was beneath me now. None of that mattered in front of him, his sheer power outweighing anything I had ever accomplished, or was ever capable of doing. The Supreme Leader seems anything but moved by my story, seemingly growing tired of the situation as his gaze shifts to Kaz. “And you, Officer?”

Kaz turns to him momentarily, breaking her stare on me. “Major Arkin taught me all I know, Supreme Leader. I couldn’t have done it without her.”

Dumbfounded, I shake my head, the General’s fingers digging deeper into me. “Done what?!” I cry out, my chest heaving with every breath. Snoke turns his head to me, his eyes holding me, freezing me in my spot on the ground. My knees grew weak, realizing I had spoken out of turn. I fear moving the slightest bit before him. He holds my gaze, impossible to turn away from as it is so obvious he is reading into me, only furthering the upper hand he had on me.

“Sending vital information to the resistance, of course.” The General pipes up, shoving me as he walks toward the Supreme Leader. “A Resistance sympathizer, your mother was. It makes sense, when you  _ really  _ picture it. Your father, though. Now he had some kind of vision. But we can see who you have taken after most.”

My head shakes, tears pooling in the corners of my eyes, beading down my cheeks. I then feel the distance between the Commander and I growing less and less, spiraling in my chest. 

_ You need to convince them _

A smile of relief nearly finds its way across my face, receiving encouragement from the one I needed it from the most. I gain a little more confidence, directing my rebuttal to the General, not so much the Supreme Leader. “No, I would never betray The Order.” I beg, straining my voice to sound more sure of myself, instead of overtaken with emotion. It was a difficult task, keeping it together in front of the Supreme Leader. I thought I was terrified the first time meeting Commander Ren, but this paled in comparison. 

The doors rushed open behind us, and I can tell he has entered the room, also by the look of disgust on the General’s face as he turns to see him. I hear the release of his helmet, thudding to the ground with uninterest. The Commander hastily walks to my right, peering down at me. I see his face and the flash of worry, his eyes telling a story as he reaches out to me quickly.

_ Only speak when I tell you to do so. _

I watch as the worry in him vanishes as he turns to face the Supreme Leader, adorning his usual impassive expression; struggling to ramp down his rapid breaths. The fact of being in the presence of the Supreme Leader, as well as right beside the Commander is dizzying, my stomach twisting in knots at the thought of it all.

“He is not needed for this meeting, Supreme Leader. I sought out the spies without Commander Ren’s aid, he is of no use to us for these matters.”

My eye twitches upon hearing the General, sounding so sure in his ways. He had no real evidence I had ever done anything against The Order, other than whatever lies Kaz had fed him.

“You have made a grave mistake, General.” The Commander orders by my side, motioning to me. “I have searched this woman’s mind, on more occasions than one. She has never once conspired with the Resistance, nor has she ever plotted the downfall of The First Order.”

He is so poised when he declares his argument, his voice loud and full, very convincing. I feel sick as I am on my knees between the two, feeling the extent of the heat radiation from the Commander to my right. I don’t mind basking in it, as long as it comes from him, but in a situation like this, it would take a lot more to ease me down. The general moves in closer to me to match Commander Ren, Snoke stares at the Commander, his head caving in towards the side, considering the opposing argument. “Is that so?”

The Commander nods. “Keeping her alive is of paramount importance, she has never done wrong by the Order, she is an important asset to our galactic success.” He continues, his voice still containing all that power and self-assurement. The General stirs to the left of me, impatiently walking away, closer to the Supreme Leader.

“The Officer had to learn it from somewhere, it only makes sense if it were from her teacher.” He counters, calling out to the Commander. Snoke observes as the two attack each other from either side of the argument, weighing out his options, ultimately entertained. On the other hand, I am praying to the maker that the Supreme Leader believes my innocence, not finding an ounce of humor in any of this as my life is being played around with. Commander Ren grows more adamant in his reasoning, speaking it outwardly as if it were gospel. “Incorrect, Officer Myrena’s head is filled with Resistance notions, she had sought them out on her own, or from someone else. Wherever she went for this information, it was not from Major Arkin.”

I suck down a sob, moved by his words. He was only telling the truth, but it was meaningful to me. He was saving my life,  _ again.  _ “You are sure of this, Commander.” The Supreme Leader demands, more as a statement than a question, his anger visibly rising from his throne. “The most sure I have ever been in my life, Supreme Leader.”

I am physically shocked beyond words at how well he is delivering his argument, representing me as if he were saving his own life. I had never done anything to help him, as he once mentioned, I only clouded his mind. Yet he still stands up for me, in the line of fire, to clear my name. I didn’t see what good this brought him, as I doubted he cared enough about my life to go beyond a general amount of effort to keep me from dying. He was putting up much more than a general amount, and I had no clue why. If I could walk out of this room with my life, I would forever be in debt to my Commander.

He nods from his throne, rubbing his jaw with his hand meticulously. Kaz laughs aloud to my far right, the tall, scarlet red imperial guards rising her to her feet, smacking her upside her head. I shudder to see how hard she is hit, my eyes spanning over everyone in the room as a silence falls over us. The General is alarmingly annoyed, but stays quiet as the Supreme Leader speaks. “If this is what you say it is, it must be so.”

A sense of relief falls over me, the weight of the galaxy removed from my shoulders, but I hide it the best I can, the General showing signs of the opposite to my left. “Ren cannot simply know this for certain, he hardly knows the woman.” He retorts, the Supreme Leader chiding in almost immediately. “I sense Ren is truthful with his observations, this Major has done nothing wrong if that is what he argues.”

“I rather like the influence you have on our Commander, young Major. His mind is so occupied with you, I have found.”

I feel a gasp, a sob, an uncontrollable reaction fight it’s way out of my throat, but I shove it down. His words are unruffled, certain as he has peered into Commander Ren. The Supreme Leader adorns a smirk as his eyes shift between the two of us, looking for something, anything we could give away. This is too much for me to hear; I fear to look over to the Commander and see his reaction. “On future endeavors of yours, he is to join beside you as you lead them, both of you have something to benefit one another, I can  _ sense  _ it.”

Myself and the Commander nod; I keep my mind as controlled as possible, knowing the Supreme Leader could choose to invade at any time, finding the truth. I am almost certain I will faint, smacking from my knees and onto the Commander’s boots as he’s beside me, feeling the whirlwind of emotions that had pulsed through me in a short amount of time. Not long ago I was accused of treason, and now the Commander and I were to become…  _ partners. _

The Supreme Leader’s eyes flicker over to Kaz, who seems not the least bit worried. The girl I knew would be pleading for her life at this time, loud, exuberant, and she would most likely win in her efforts of convincing just about anyone. Despite this, she is inexpressive, not alluding to a single emotion as her eyes fail to leave me. I am utterly distressed, awaiting her to break. Saying something, yelling out anything proving her innocence, showing me that she was the girl I had known for years. Yet, this never comes. The girl I see is someone I am no longer familiar with.

“Rise, Major.” Snoke orders. I hesitate momentarily, intimidated by such power.

_ Do as he says, I’m right here _

I take the Commander’s praise, physically pulling myself from my rigid state, standing to my feet. I felt less horrified as I was upon entering, before I had discovered I wasn’t going to die in this grand, horrifying room. “Upon recent findings of your student’s betrayal, I have concluded she was behind the attack on you, as well as the poisoning.”

I flinch, everything finally making sense, regretting not being able to add everything up on my own. “This also backs up Ren’s argument, proving your innocence further. I might add, I have also made the discovery she is familiar with the force.” I lay my eyes on her, watching her lips curl upward the slightest bit. I couldn’t picture this, never having sensed it, the Commander never mentioning he had either. It didn’t make enough sense to be believable.

“A small level of familiarity, but unacceptable, nevertheless. Approach me, Major.” 

I placed a foot out in front of me, slowly moving in as he had ordered. Upon closer inspection, the Supreme Leader is one of the most repulsive looking creatures I had ever witnessed. His head misshapen, skin leathery and pale, with a sickeningly threatening voice. I watch as he snaps his head to the side, an imperial member stalking up to me, extending out his laser axe. Questioningly, I stare at the axe, then back to the Supreme Leader, at a loss of words.

His eyes avert to the axe, then back to me, as if I understood him. “It is time to dismiss your student, Major. Remove her from the galaxy.” My eyes blink rapidly, arms frozen at my sides as my mind cannot compute with what he is asking me to do, something so far out of my range to comprehend.

“You are to relieve her of her title, take the life of the spy before us at once.”

The laser axe is forcibly placed into my grasp, my entire body growing flush as the blood coursing through me at such a rapid pace turns cold. 

_ Don’t think about it, just do it _

The Commander’s words phase through my mind, processing, but not sticking around for me to let sit and resonate with me, too astronomical of a concept to understand. Gripping the axe within my grasp, I am unable to look away from it, reality hitting me hard within this moment. It is an immense struggle to come to terms with what had been asked of me.

I turn toward her slowly, the curl of her lips more prominent now. I find it difficult to step towards her, but somehow I find myself doing so. My grip on the axe is tight as I choke up on it, my knuckles turning a pale shade of white. My body begins to quake ferociously, I don’t believe that I can follow through, as he had ordered. The Supreme Leader decides to speak as I make my way closer to Kaz. “I am curious to know, how were you planning to go about this? Overthrowing The First Order?" He directs the question to Kaz, her eyes not daring to leave my own as I approach her, finally standing a few steps before her.

“I knew if I could play her, she would fall weak enough for me to turn her as well at some point. Where I failed in this aspect, I remain victorious knowing she has feelings dedicated to me, Supreme Leader. I believe my plans could have worked out if I had been given a week or so more.”

“That’s what you call it?  _ Playing  _ me?” I snap just above a whisper to hide the growing emotion in my voice, a hindrance in the middle of my clap back to her. I already know she can sense my fright, playing into it. She snickers, shaking her head. “Is it wrong to say I succeeded?” She chides in. I swallow hard, my vision blurred, my eyes filled with a thick layer of tears I fight to let fall. I choose not to answer, looking away from her as my grip tightens on the axe.

“I was planning to tell her, to coax her into all of this. As mentioned, a week or so more and I expected to leave the Death Star with her by my side.” My eyes twitch some more, my breathing ramping up as I disregard what she believed was possible. “I would  _ never  _ accompany you. I would  _ never  _ betray The Order like this.”

That consistent, smug smile of hers grows deeper, as if she thought I was lying. As if she could peer into the future to see what was truly in store for us, or what was possible to manipulate. I let my eyes waver to the Supreme Leader, who is rather immersed into the conversation. 

“Not on your own, no. You’re far too feeble, it would have taken some convincing. I don’t think you would have let me leave, not when you have  _ love  _ for me.” I repel back in disgust and shame. Certainly feeling something for her, as she had ‘played’ me into developing these feelings. I would never mention love, but there was something in me dedicated to her. Her betrayal pained me to my core, but the idea of killing her was far worse than anything I could imagine.

“Having the Commander of the First Order wrapped around your finger doesn’t make you any less feeble either, Margot. I know what you really want, at the end of the day. I wanted it for both of us. But he’s not going to give it to you, nobody here can.” She fills the space she occupies on the floor with her certainty, her eyes had grown so evil as I continued to entertain her jabs at me.

I am taken back that the Supreme Leader had yet to silence her, moving us on from this conversation, not getting us anywhere. Disgusted with her, I think of something else for a moment, searching for an explanation, something to make sense, where this all went wrong. Had I ever done anything? Driving her to betray us this way?

“I have heard enough. Do this for our cause, Major. Rid what plagues us.” The Supreme Leader coaxes, gently controlling my feet, slowly gliding me over the tiled floor closer to her. I watch as she is forcibly bent down to bare her neck to me. I am planted down softly before her, no longer able to hide the violent tremor throughout my body, the axe before me shaking as the blue electric current radiates across the side of her face. 

“I do love you, Margot.” She confides in a mellow tone, I flinch as I hear her utter those words. My chest trembles, quick sobs making their way past my lips. I don’t want to hear this. I don’t want to hear this. Not from her. Not now. “I only did this for you. I wanted you on my side, nothing more.” She adds on. I wince, jerking my head to the side. My eyes meet Commander Ren, his facing reading unfamiliar with an expression I couldn’t decipher, too caught up in my own emotions. I can feel the exchange of the feelings I have for Kaz, and the energy that resides within me from the Commander, mixing around in my chest. 

He has picked up on my obvious projection of despair and unintentionally feeds into it; I can sense he is trying to reach into me and calm it down, but there I feel the struggle within him. He is having a hard time lessening my feelings that reside within him, too consuming to focus. I hear Kaz take in a breath to speak, and I speak over her abruptly, unable to stand to know what else she has to say. “Enough!” I shout, my voice fracturing while keeping my gaze near the Commander, begging her over the snap of the electric current between us.

“Remember this day.”

I brace myself as I let out a torturous groan that turns into a cry, turning my head back to face her as I struggle to force myself to go through with this. Our eyes meet, her face so calm at the face of death, only seconds away. There is a subtle push within me, given to me from the Supreme Leader, directing me to raise the axe outward, closer to her. I feel as if my heart was about to beat completely out of my chest, pounding in my ears with a deafening force, my breathing soaring with each passing moment. I hold out the axe, turning the electric current to face her. At the last second I press my eyes shut tight, swinging my trembling hands downward, biting down on the inside of my cheek as I feel the momentary halt of the axe passing through her, the splattering of blood landing on my face and hands.

I grow weak as I only hear the audible thud within the dead silence of the room, momentarily feeling something roll up against the tips of my boots. Sickened, I step away as soon as I feel it, my body turning completely, my eyes prying open as I dropped the axe to the ground. I feel the energy between her and I, what I had grown so used to while being in her presence, die out. As if what used to be between us was a candle, extinguished. It is so palpable as it simmers slowly, lingering for a few seconds, then fading to nothing at all. There is an insistent emptiness in my chest, impossible to ignore. Tears spill from my eyes, my body convulsing lightly, twitching as my mouth stays glued shut. I breathe through my nose in short, rapid breaths, not making a peep. My neck grows weak trying to keep my head up, peering dead ahead through my glossy vision.

“That will be all, Major Arkin. Your valiant efforts will be remembered, a true asset to our cause. I look forward to our next encounter.” I hear the Supreme Leader state behind me. In shock, it doesn’t register to me to turn to bid a goodbye, or to speak to anyone at all. The imperial guards at the entrance open the doors, a way for me to leave all of this behind. My eyes couldn’t possibly maneuver toward the Commander as I kept them on the doors across the room. Suddenly, I’m a child again, before my parents, finding a way to block out their arguments. Turning my mind off momentarily until it was safe to come out, to avoid feeling any more scared or unsafe.

I walked down the long carpet, passing by him and picking up even more of the energy between us, replacing what was once occupied by my flurry of different feelings toward Kaz. The room is silent as I continue my walk, the doors shutting behind me upon exiting. I don’t make it far down the hallway, my legs giving out as I approach the sets of stairs before me. My limbs fumble, and I purposely walk into the wall to my left as my body forgets the simplicity of walking, slamming against it and sliding my way down to sit on the floor. 

My mind is far too occupied with the sound of the axe passing through her neck, decapitating her. I play the sound over and over, on a continuous loop in my mind, remembering it for what it was, frame by frame. I am repulsed as torture myself, but still continuing on. I don’t utter a sound, nothing passing through my lips since the moment her life ended. I don’t know how much time had passed, sitting there replaying the scene I had carried out in the throne room. My head slowly lolls to the sight, so enveloped in my thoughts. I feel a hand on my shoulder, fixating my vision onto the Commander, noticing he was kneeling before me, his eyes boring concerned into mine.

“Major?” He begins, his fingers giving my shoulder a subtle squeeze. My eyes are stilled, holding his, my mouth not budging. “Major Arkin?” He continues, waving a hand in front of my eyes, as they continue to spill a constant stream of tears. I see he is without his trusty helmet, but I am nowhere near present enough to understand what this means. I see him grow more concerned, maybe a bit aggravated, as he places both hands on my upper arms, guiding me to my feet. 

I stand warily, he notices and slips a hand around my torso, securing me upright as the side of my body pressed against his, firm and pulsing with warmth. We walk together in unison up the stairs and onto the turbo lift. Every once in a while, the Commander pulls me closer to him as we pass those around us. I take in his intoxicating smell, I find familiarity from the last time I had seen him, but the thought is short-lived as my mind wanders away. We exit, enter the hallway, and jump on the second turbolift, all absent of conversation, my mind expanding further and further away from the present. Sounds all around me turn muffled as I dwindle on the act I had just committed, so lost within my mind. I find my head slacks off, leaning against his chest absentmindedly.

We exit the second lift, making our way down the halls. I don’t pay attention to onlookers, within my mind I hear the occasional thoughts of a passerby, taking notice of Commander Ren without his helmet. I feel his gentle nudge into my mind, pushing other people’s thoughts outward every time they have found their way in. Again, this does nothing for me, having no meaning, as my body makes its way down the halls with the Commander at my side. My mind was somewhere far off in the distance, thinking of a time where I didn’t feel the guilt of killing a friend.

I don't take notice, but we make our way to the Med Bay, the Commander swinging open the door to a medical supply room, only the two of us having occupied it. He gently wraps his arms around me as if he were giving me a hug, carefully setting me onto a counter in the middle of the room. I emptily stare at him, watching as he finds a rag, dampening it with water and wringing it out.

He pauses, his eyes searching into mine, finding nothing. He gives away the extent of his worry to me in this moment, grabbing the side of my face and beginning to wipe away the specks of blood that covered me. Scooting in closer, he parts my legs with his knee and stands between them, the heat his body gives off delivers my chilled body much needed warmth. 

He continues on cleaning me, cautiously rubbing away the blood on my neck, even my clothes. I watch him do so, behind the clear wall between us, mentally shielding myself away from reality. It had been something I did as a child, when faced with true trauma, not aware of proper protocol when faced with scarring matters at such a young and vulnerable age. It was the only means I could work with then, refurbishing them presently to help me cope. 

He considerately takes my hand in his, polishing over my knuckles of the blood that covered them. When he finishes he raises the towel to his own face, wiping away the small droplets of blood that covered him as well. I know this action would usually mean something of great importance to me, at any other time than now. 

A med personnel enters the room abruptly, without warning. Before they are able to find their way in completely, Commander Ren swings an arm out in front of the both of us, palm open as he pushes the person back through the entrance, slamming the door with a loud band. The door had been the abrupt and driving force to snap me out of whatever trance I had let myself fall into.

All at once everything hits me as I am knocked into the present, within an instant, the weight of killing Kaz strikes me. I realized this was my reality, one without someone I had known for so long. My mouth finally opens, letting out a sob as I came to this realization. My head hangs low as my body shivers with pain and regret, wishing there had been something,  _ anything  _ I could have done. Nothing could have truly been done, not in front of the Supreme Leader, as he had instructed me to kill her. The Commander stirs in front of me, his head tilting down to meet my face. 

My heart aches as my body shivers with sadness and regret, difficult to understand what I had done, too unbelievable for someone like me. The Commander stands over me, his brows tightening and pulling together as a sign of confusion; all these emotions had flowed through me for so long, finally breaking free. “She’s d-dead, he made me…” He fills in my open space, his voice breaking slightly. “He shouldn’t have made you, no, that wasn’t right.” I was unable to control how lost I became in the flurry of my emotions to give him a reasonable response. 

This also was, understandably, a concept for him that was difficult to grasp. Although I could sense his empathy, radiating off of him at an alarming rate, I continued to sob, and he continued to stand and watch, helplessly. I clawed at my chest, the burning between us ramping as I only worsened, and he continued to take it in, unaware he was cycling it back to me. Like a well oiled machine, but for all the wrong reasons, we continuously poured our emotions into each other. These were the kind of waters the Commander didn’t often tread—consolation.

His hands are raised idly at his sides, paused and waiting to think of a good way to put them to use. “It—it hurts… oh gods Commander, it fucking  _ hurts _ .” I mewl between sobs, rubbing over my heart as the pain became too much. I sent the pain to him, and he empathized it, circling it back to me. Everything was heightened, as I finally looked up into his eyes. He was shocked, and I forcibly took his hand and placed it on the top of my head, my eyes willing into him with such power. Even if I had never thought of these feelings on my own, they were still valid. Kaz had hit me in a vulnerable spot, making me feel something toward her. Now that she was dead, the guilt was immeasurable. My heart felt broken in two.

“M-make me stop. It’s too much, p-please.” I beg, my fingers wrapping around his hand in such a moment of agony. The look on his face is horrible, as he is so enveloped in my own emotions, I can see my own guilt weighing down on him as well, as it’s transferred to him. I knew this wasn’t a face I would remember, having been too far gone. 

I see him struggle to straighten out the expression on his face, his hand sliding down from the top of my head and to the side of my face. I let my head lean into his open palm as I panted and cried, my fingers tightening around him as he caressed me. I can feel his invasion, kind and caring, like he had flattened out all of the peaks and summits in my mind that gave off my emotions. It was fast, it was painless, and it was taken away from me in an instant. We stare into each other's eyes as my chest slows, and the flow of tears has slowed to a trickle. We both let out an exasperated sigh, continuously searching one another, no longer transferring and feeding off all of my emotions.

I still feel the sadness, but the need for emotion is lessened, the sorrow boiling down to an empty despair. I knew what I felt toward Kaz was justified, but the constant energy between the Commander and I was far more than I had ever felt. It was terrifying, sitting there and reflecting on it, knowing he was doing the same. All that power, growing from just an emotion, it was dangerous. I see his focus on my thoughts, understanding all I gathered from what had just happened.

“I can feel the sentiment you had for her, she tricked you into it.” He mentions breathlessly, making sure I was on the same page as him. I nod in agreement.

He understood everything I felt. He could probably even explain my mind better than I could ever articulate. Although I was fooled, and the feelings were strong, it wasn’t love. Neither could it compare to the energy between Commander Ren and I. The feelings I had for Kaz were planted there strategically by her, never coming to be without her guidance. The fact that she purposely poisoned me, twice, ruined any kind of outlook I had on her. I didn't know her anymore. This didn't matter now, now that she was gone and never returning. 

“Is it… always like this?” I bleat, my voice hoarse from the strain of crying. His hand still remains on the right side of my face, my palm placed over his. He shakes his head with worry, as if I had it all wrong. “Not with the right training, which you do have available to you.” I press my lips into a tight line, feeling them begin to waver as I listened to his words, still able to muse toward my emotions. “I told you… I could never amount to this, it’s far too much for me. You told me yourself, I am too weak.” I see the Commander stir before me, the features of his face sharpen amongst the apathy he feels for me. His hand opens up more to explore the side of my face, fingers curling against my jaw, thumb pressed on my chin and softly brushing against the tip of my lower lip. “I don’t  _ want  _ you to run from this, I can help you become familiar with it, overcome it. I  _ want  _ to help you.” He begins, sureness exuding from the words he delivers to me. He is relentless, but he lacks the usual demand that always follows. He wants to convince me, to make me believe as much as he believes in himself. 

“You are drowning in the force, I can feel it stemming from you even in your absence. It radiates with such fervor, of course you will feel that it is too much for you… you are more than just  _ capable  _ of being one with it, you just haven’t learned how to yet.” I listen to him as he preaches, growing so entranced by his gospel. He was telling me I had what it takes. “There is no need to fear it... not when you have me.”

Our faces have grown closer as I listened attentively, seeing nothing but him, or the blacks of my eyes momentarily as I blinked away tears. His fingers often slid up my face to the sensitive skin of my undereyes, smoothing away beads of tears as they escaped me. I can feel his pulse had extended to the tips of his fingers, beating into my skin as my heart followed a similar, high paced tune. “Tell me…” I begin, sniffling softly.

“What is in it for you? I’ve turned you away, yet you always come back.”

The warmth from his hand on my cheek heats up more as his eyes are steady in thought. “I went through harnessing the force on my own, after my master had betrayed me.” He grows silent for a moment, his eyes finally peering away from mine. The heat from his hand is now hot against my face, his anger and resentment boring into me as he reflects onto the past. It makes me sad, feeling the obvious betrayal he had experienced, hearing about it in the past as well. He only sends me a little taste before gathering himself. “I don’t want that same outcome for you. I can give you a better chance than I had.”

My eyes wander down to his uniform, a few dots of blood spackled on the material. His hand slides up my face gently, his thumb tentatively rubbing my cheek, the rest of his fingers sprawling against my neck and behind my ear, tilting my head up to meet his eyes once more. “You wouldn’t betray me? As my master?” I pose the question lightheartedly, not ready just yet to give in. Unsure of what this meant for us, or how we would go about becoming master and student. 

“I sensed you gave up on me earlier. You thought I sold you out to General Hux.”

I regretted even thinking about it, feeling different about everything now. The throne room felt lightyears away, having killed Kaz years ago, it seemed. Anywhere else felt out of reach to me at this moment, as Commander Ren’s face was so close to mine.

I shake my head as his thumb continues to trace patterns on my cheek, readying myself to speak. “Only for a moment.”

“Momentary, yes, but still a thought. You were timid to reach out to me because you didn’t think I would answer you.”

I feel ashamed to admit it now as he brings it up, turning my face into the palm of his hand and closing my eyes once his thumb brushes my bottom lip, rousing up butterflies inside of me. My face reddened and I wished he didn’t have to see it. I suppose it is silly to hide how I felt, or emotions that brimmed in me, as he could easily feel them too. He stays between my legs, his fingers moving to the underside of my chin for me to face him one last time.

“I would  _ never _ betray you in general, Major.”

Oh, how a fire burns within me as his voice fills my ears like a song. Despite my heart pounding so strongly it was loud enough for me to hear, I finally nod a few times in agreement. I have given in to whatever lies ahead for me within the extent of the force. I see a smile spread on his face, grinning so deeply his teeth peer through his lips the tiniest bit. The sight of this, seeing a full smile of his for the first time awakens something new, something powerful between us, as if we had unlocked something.

Every bit of sorrow and pain is replaced by the amount of happiness he exudes, which pours into me, convincing me further that I had made the right decision to let him teach me. I noticed I had been smiling as I observed him, the energy between us skipping and dancing in harmony as it drove out any iota of sadness. I find myself musing more and more toward him, the force quite literally driving us closer, calling out to me, begging to seal the space between us. I could see he felt it too, he and I both slowly lessening the space that was left between us. I could feel his fingers gently guiding my chin, drawing me closer to him. 

The energy connecting us so insistent, so  _ loud, _ wanting to drive our bodies together to the closest extent possible. My pulse thuds loud in my ears as we continue to study each other’s faces, I nearly pounce as I see his eyes falter to my lips, completely elated. Within all the euphoric feelings circling between us, I feel eager, gaining enough power in me to mentally step back from the cloud of infatuation we had been residing in, opening my mouth slightly.

“So, when do we begin?”

  
  
  
  



	16. Chapter 16

“That’s it April, just like that!” I yell, encouraging the young girl as she fights against another student. About eighteen, she had shown some real promise as of lately, excelling past many other students of her age. She fought a boy not too shy of turning the same age, Trent, who was swift on his feet and knew how to handle a staff. They duked it out, after I had trained with them one on one for a while, to show me what they both had learned while putting it to the test. Trent was swift, but needed to speed things up a bit, while April sometimes moved all too quickly, missing opportunities if she paced herself. I knew pairing them up would prove to be successful, both of them surely could learn a thing or two from the other.

The two knew what they needed to do, and with time, they were improving. “Good pace Trent, don’t let her escape your sight.” April flashed me an exhilerated glare before she dodged out of the way of the staff that belonged to Trent. It had been two days since I had last seen the Commander, after the incident with the Supreme Leader. It was an odd concept, training with students without Kaz looming from afar. I tried my best to accept the fact that she was gone, and the Kaz I once knew was  _ long  _ gone. I didn’t feel as shaken up as I had initially, but it was still upsetting to know I had lost one of my oldest friends. I also felt somewhat relieved, guilt eating away at my insides as I happily trained my students, knowing there was no longer a threat to my title.

Commander Ren had told me there was business for him to attend to, following the death of the spy we had been looking for. Normally, it would have been in my hands to fill the spot Kaz once held, but the Commander relieved me from it. He felt that it would be too difficult of a process for me to fill a position that once was my friend’s. He was right, although I would have attempted to carry on if he hadn't insisted. 

I provided him with a list of students that were ready to be appointed to an Officer position, having already fought in battle numerous times. I knew he would pick the best one, as I had droned on and on about each student of mine for quite some time, listing their strengths and weaknesses, and who I personally thought had mentally, and physically met the bill. Although everything he needed lied in the files I sent him, he listened to everything I had to say with no protest. I appreciated it.

In lieu of choosing an Officer yesterday, we decided my first training session with him could be reserved for today, right after my class with April and Trent was finished. I had no idea what was in store for me, or what would be useful to learn first. I was eager, but also timid to begin. I trusted he would help me learn the ways of the force, I knew he was well versed with harnessing the power he had and knew how to use it to his advantage. I only feared how I would come to harness it, if I actually had it in me to keep it within my own control. I could see that he believed in me, and that he was much more knowledgeable of the force than I, so I believed in him.

I took notice that we were at the end of the class, as BB-9 had mentioned from down below. I thanked him, calling out to the students. “Great work guys, I’ve seen some serious progress today. Make me proud and keep practicing, okay?” Both students' staffs come to a stop, bodies turned toward me and nod in agreement. They make their way to the utility wall, returning their staffs to their spots and grabbing their things, discussing fighting strategies amongst themselves. I smiled to myself as I gathered my things, content with what I had done today, proud of where I was when comparing what I faced all those weeks ago. The students exit and BB-9 reminds me of my “date” with Commander Ren. I giggle absentmindedly at the droid’s joke, one of few that rarely stemmed from him. He warned me to be careful, bringing up the other day, and how the Commander had beaten me to a pulp. 

I reminded my tiny mechanical friend that it was behind us; we had been on bad terms then, and had improved upon them since. He still made me promise him I would be on the lookout, not letting myself become too comfortable around him. The droid made it clear that Commander Ren was a turbulent man who would not hesitate to kill me, so long as he felt his life was threatened. I remembered the sight of the control room and all the havoc that was wrecked, before I was taken by the General and executioners. I tell my dear friend that I will keep this in mind, although I never would intend to do such a thing to the Commander. Mid conversation, an officer I had yet to ever meet entered the training room, to my surprise, with a baby cradled in her arms. She seems a bit tired, but relief overcame her once our eyes met. “Oh, Major Arkin, I was told you’d be in here. I thought I might have missed you.”

I raise a puzzled brow at the girl, as well as the baby within her grasp, setting my bag back down to the ground. “Oh? What can I do for you?” The girl simply gives me a soft smile, raising the baby slightly as it begins to fuss. “Well, we just picked this one up from Ithor.” The girl mentions. I shake my head, confused. “There’s… not supposed to be any life there, as far as I have learned. Only Ithorians.” The girl nods. “Yes, that assumption was why we had left it alone for so long. A routine scout had caught wind of a small population on the rise. We were able to terminate all life forms except for a handful of children, her being the youngest.”

I suddenly burned with a rising irritation, another child swept away from her parents. Having left them alone, they could have lived peacefully without knowledge of us. After understanding that the parents were dead, it was either from lack of understanding, or simply not agreeing to join our cause. And now? This child was an orphan, falling prey to the internal politics within the galaxy. My heart ached for her, as my eyes traced over her porcelain skin, so smooth and without any kind of flaw. “I come to you because I was directed to do so. We want to get the older children acclimated with life here, but this one is far too young. We just need someone to watch over her for a few hours, while the others are seasoned and settled into their new home.”

I am timid to take the child, as the girl moves closer to me to hand her off. No more than four months old, no time at all for her to form any memories with her parents, possibly even not enough time to form a parental bond. It pained me to see her so young, now unable to form the necessary connection with her birth mother. Those who would deal with her now would give her different kinds of care, ultimately confusing the child from such a young age. Without that first initial bond, the child would have difficulty building self esteem and security within herself as she gets older.

I sigh, setting down my water and opening my arms for the child. The officer hands her off to me carefully, so warm and wiggly as I secure my arms around her. She has grown fast within four months, but her neck still wobbles around, and I make sure to take extra care to support her head in the crook of my arm. She cooes in my arms and the Officer chirps, “I was told you were good with children, thank you, Major. I’ll return for her in a few hours.” I nod as she takes one last look at the child, and then heads toward the door. I called out to her before she was out of the range of hearing. “Does she have a name?” The Officer simply turns and shakes her head no, sympathetically, before leaving. 

The door shuts, leaving me holding the child close. I grow sad; how beautiful she was in such a scary place in the galaxy. This was no place for a baby; she was perfectly fine with her family, and now there was nothing left of them, only her as living proof they once existed. I studied the child as her eyes scanned the shirt of my uniform. She had dark brown peach fuzz on the top of her head, with a bit of a curl to it. Her eyes were bright and hazel, with rosy cheeks and a pair of tiny lips to match. She fussed a bit more, most likely uncomfortable in the rags she wore, and I began to walk around her with my arms. BB-9 commends me for how well I handled her, mentioning I should have one of my own, and I give him a dismissive chuckle.

“Shall we name you, little one?” I ask her. As soon as I speak, her eyes perk up towards me, taking me in. I am quickly entranced by how much joy she brings me, all duties I had for the rest of the day seeming to no longer exist. I am an unfamiliar face to her, but a comforting female voice is something she could benefit from at this time. I regretted BB-9 wasn’t human, his beeps were found to be a bit too robotic for a child to listen to, needing a male’s voice as well by means of comfort. “Let’s see…” I hum, pacing the length of the room slowly. She takes a long, stray strand of hair framing my face, and I carefully untangle it from her fingers to brush it behind my ear.

“I like Olivia, I like Jade. Maybe you’re Adelaid.” I sing softly as she murmurs, her face twitching into a tiny smile. Although it is only a reflex in response to her surroundings, it still warms up my insides. BB-9 beeps a name suggestion from below as he normally would, but the baby startles in my arms, her bottom lip jutting out as she cries lightly. I hold her closer and reassure her, bouncing the slightest bit to distract her. “That was a little too loud, my machine-friend.” I tell BB-9, speaking in a sing-song voice to gain the attention of the child. She stirs in my arms, a bit uncomfortable by the droid’s tone, understandably.

I sing softly, her eyes glossy and reflective with tears as she opens wider to focus on me. I smile at her, wiping them from her reddened cheeks as softly as I could manage to. She slows her cries to low whines, and then to nothing at all as I sing whatever comes to mind. BB-9 follows in pursuit, quietly beeping at my feet in unison as he matches my pitch at a different, but comparative level. He provides a sweet melody for me while trailing behind as we go around the room, I’m sure the sight was a comical one. The child calms down, pleased with our song, and I revert my singing to quiet hums as her eyes grow heavy. They fall shut, and open back up momentarily, only to slowly lower and repeat the process over and over. I then hear the blast door slide open behind me, feeling my chest grow with warmth as I feel the distance lessened between him and I. I slowly turn around, continuing my humming once I realize I had momentarily forgotten about our prior plans..

_ I’m sorry I didn’t meet where we were supposed to, my hands are full at the moment. _

I reach out to him and motion toward the baby, before he is able to speak, afraid that his vocoder would frighten the young child. I only wish the rest of the day could be easy for her, as she had been taken away from her family and friends not long ago. She didn’t deserve this, she deserved to be treated kindly, with care. The Commander stays silent, and I slow to a stop as he chooses to approach.

The baby’s eyes are still heavy, but she peeks through her lids drowsily as I continuously rock her as smoothly as possible, to keep her content. The Commander stands by close as he hovers over the child and I, keeping quiet as ever while observing. I assume he has a lot of questions, and I reach out to him once more.

_ They said it’d only be a few hours, do you want to reschedule?  _

The Commander shakes his head, his fingers sliding up his helmet and meeting the latches on the sides. He looms behind me momentarily as the helmet hisses open, the child stirs a bit at the sound but I continue my gentle swaying, back and forth. The Commander sets his helmet on the ground with care, mindful as he rises back upward. He leans in beside me, his chin almost brushing the top of my shoulder as we both observed the child. He stays put for a moment, both of us content as she stares up at the two of us. “We can make this work.” I shiver undetectably as I turn my head to meet him, the distance between us very slim. I’m ready to ask him how he plans to teach me with a baby in my arms, but he simply answers before I can form the words.

“Do you feel her? The child’s energy?” He begins, finally drawing back so we weren’t as close, and I nod. It was different than what I felt with him, or anything that ever came from Kaz, but it was there. “Describe it.” He adds, voice restrained above a whisper. I let my eyes trace over the child, her eyes opening more to peer toward the tall man in dark clothing, a likely place for anyone to avert their attention. I make sure to speak softly, and as carefully as I can manage.

“It’s soft and light, like she is. If I could hold it in my hands, it wouldn’t weigh much at all.” He nods as he listens. “What do you gather, when you feel that energy?” I peer back down at the child as I answer, her lashes fluttering as she blinks, still focused on the Commander. “It is good—she is good, she is fragile and vulnerable, and I feel the need to protect her.” He takes a step closer, nodding. “You will feel the pull to shelter children, or those you care about.” His eyes move upward from the baby, and to me as I see it from my peripheral view. After a moment of feeling his gaze, I raised my eyes to meet his but I watched as they quickly returned to the child.

“You can tap into anyone around you and they don’t have to know it, as they are simply giving it off. You can peer into them a bit more to see what they are thinking, but you would have to make physical contact in order to delve into their past experiences.”

He carefully pulls his gloves off, loosening the grip around each finger one by one and setting them on the floor by his helmet. He places a kind, and gentle hand on the child’s forehead and she wiggles around, her eyes following his every move. He removes his hand after a moment, not taking very long at all. “Peer into her, what can you see?”

I fixate my vision on her, peering in softly. I don’t find much, only echoes of what the Commander has said, only jumbled up. Both of our voices were fresh in her mind, she was constantly learning, taking in what gathered around her. I peer back up at him before he begins. “Since she is young, she doesn’t have thoughts. She retains information, but it is always fleeting and inaccurate. Now, enter her mind completely, relive her past experiences.”

I am timid to begin, but I secure my arm around her to better support her with only one arm, placing my free hand on the side of her head. I search the child’s face, her eyes moving to me as she sticks her tongue out and blows. I find it hard to concentrate while holding such an adorable child. “It helps to close your eyes.” I nod, closing them as he instructed and focusing. It takes a moment of exploration, but I will myself to enter. I am enveloped in past memories, outlines of bodies and fuzzy faces, murmurs all around. I can make out her home planet, Ithor, a planet riddled with vegetation and foliage. For her, she makes out the color green in many of her memories, as it was a common background for her. Nothing has sharp edges, only masses of color and sound. 

Amongst my search, I hear the Commander mention, “All living things have some amount of the force within them, but not all are strong enough to tap into it and wield it.”

The only faces that have some kind of recognition are of, who I assume to be, her parents, the ones she had seen the most within her short few months of living. A lot of smiling faces and soft tones, holding her close. In the very distance are blobs of color mushed together, as people enter her line of vision things become clearer, but still distorted depending on how often she sees them. The last memory I see is dark, hearing sounds of what was most likely when she was taken. Blobs of color cloud her vision, strangers she had not met or familiarized herself with. I can hear yelling as someone new holds her, and then there is nothing. She self soothes as she grows upset, alone in a carrier on the way back to the Death Star. During her time in the training room, she has grown somewhat familiar with my face, the Commander still faded, but sharpened in some ways. She was getting used to the two of us.

I take my hand off of her, refocusing my vision to the Commander who was patiently observing. I grow distressed, resecuring my arms to hold her better. “She had a family, and we took her away from that.” I lament, turning and swaying away from him. There was no way she would ever remember those memories, only the Commander and I would ever get to really see them for what they were. There was nothing she could ever do about it, she might not ever feel any remorse for her parents, growing to believe they were traders or resistance sympathizers. Never knowing they were peaceful, not wanting to conform to either side. Hoping to live somewhere else free of politics and the sides to choose from. 

“Her people refused, unfortunately, that was their demise.” I sigh as I listen to him, stopping to sway her more evenly. Commander Ren comes up alongside of me for a second time, peering down at the child and I. “This was decided for her, yes, but she can decide who she wants to be within The Order. She can grow to become a good person, with guidance from those like you and I.”

My head rises from the child for my eyes to meet the Commander, letting them settle on him as I attempt to read his face. He is soft and kind, but I cannot detect an emotion. I feel it brimming within me, as he picks up on it and transfers it back to me. I don’t understand what the feeling is, but it glows positive and feels good. I give him a nod, agreeing that she could still grow to become someone with purpose, working with the cards she had been dealt today. 

He then turns in closer to me, opening his arms and carefully going to grab the child. I comply, moving closer to him and placing her in his arms cautiously, our foreheads brushing together faintly during the tradeoff. She begins to stir, her face wrinkling up tightly with frustration. It doesn’t last long, as I watch him raise a hand over her face, fingers pulsing slightly above her as she simmers down, eyes growing heavy. Where I sang, he merely used his abilities to comfort her. 

I smile, quickly bringing my fingers to my lips as I cross my arms over my chest, suddenly feeling something burning brighter than before inside of me. Watching the child in the Commander’s arms ignites some kind of desire within me, once observing how kind-hearted and compassionate he is for her, secured in his arms. He sways softly as the side of her head meets his chest, surely comfortable as can be. I am moved by how well he handles her, as if he has had children of his own. These strong feelings flood in too quickly for me to block off before he’s able to pick up on it. I chew my bottom lip as our eyes meet, the smallest of smiles creeping on to his lips as he looks back down to the child.

“When you desire to reflect on the memories of those around you, physical contact is required, although their compliance is not. As for non-physical contact abilities, I believe you have become familiar with them just the other day.” He mentions, stepping to the side and motioning carefully to his helmet on the floor. I remembered it well, motioning his helmet off of the floor without ever needing to touch it. I shamefully grin, nodding. “That happened in anger, I didn’t even think about it. It was done before I knew it.”

The Commander oscillates ever so gently, the child in his arms seemed almost more content than she had been with me, seeming that his arms were bigger and more rippled with comfort. “Anger indeed, that is also something we can work on.” He says gently, in a soft voice to comfort the baby. Another wave of energy erupts within my chest as his sweet voice rings in my ears, expanding throughout the entirety of my body. I tear my eyes away, wondering how I could go about controlling such a feeling while he stood before me, not having to do much to stir me up inside. I almost envied the child, nearly asleep in his arms, held by one of the most powerful men in the galaxy. I had been in her position a few times, but I found myself wishing I could return to his embrace someday.

His eyes flicker back to mine again, before he mentions, “Go for it.”

I gulp, my eyes search his face as my brows knit together. He lets me implode mentally and watches as I do so, standing eagerly before him. His eyes never leave me as he slowly motions back to his helmet, a small grin forming. I kick my ass, mentally, my head too high up in the clouds as I finally understand what he really meant. I ask, “How do I begin?”

“I will have to untrain you from what you have already taught yourself another time; you seek many things out in anger. It’s doable, but there is a much easier way, and you don’t have to get so heated up to accomplish it.”

It made sense once he said it, all of the times I had ever used an ability, I was moved to anger. Even from our very first meeting, I was scared and angry when I shook the room. I was scared and angry when I threw Kaz across my kitchen, as well as when I motioned the Commander’s helmet closer to me. It was amusing that he suggested this as the best means to go about, when he was so well known to act upon his anger at the drop of a pin. “As you must with everything, focus on the object. You must  _ will  _ it toward you, envision reaching out to it, without physically doing so.” He keeps his eyes on the child in his arms, her face giving him a faint smile as she sleeps. 

I feel his obvious enjoyment that comes from observing the child, as he gives the energy to me, but I fight to ignore it and focus on his helmet against the tiled floor. I press my eyes shut, trying to will it toward me, as he had mentioned. “You can keep your eyes open for this one.” He chides in, and I rub my eyes before I open them to see he’s found amusement in this. 

Refocusing, I exert my energy onto the helmet, picturing myself moving it, without bringing in the physical aspect. It stumbles a bit, and I am shocked to see it do so. I look at the Commander who nods, continuing me forward. I readjust my vision back to the same spot, coaxing the helmet to move with my mind. After the helmet slides toward me a few inches, it raises into the air, faltering slightly, but gliding into the palms of my hands with ease. I felt a rush of confidence and exhilaration at the sight, dumbfounded I had this in me, and a bit ashamed of shying away from the Commander’s help in the first place.

“You’ve shown great progress today, Major.” I laugh as I thank him, taking his praise as the highest I could ever recieve. “Funny, I told that to my students earlier.” I mention, setting the helmet down at my feet.

“Shall we complicate it a bit more?” He asks, flattening his arms out so the baby is moreso facing me. I’m taken back a bit, bemused by what he was insinuating. “The child? She’s… this is too dangerous, I’m not ready for  _ that. _ ” I counter, my eyes tracing over her delicate body as she sleeps so peacefully against the Commander, undisturbed. I wanted to keep it that way.

“You have  _ been  _ ready, Major. She is perfectly fine, I wouldn’t let you drop her, even if you falter.”

I give him a stern look, trying to see his angle. I determined there wasn’t one, he truly believed I could achieve this. I let out a nervous breath, scared out of my mind. “Really focus this time, you know she is a living being, now you can move her with care, with meaning.”

I do just so, keeping myself focused on her as I will her toward me. I focus hard, watching the rags she wears crumple slightly as she is then levitating from his arms. I will her to me, her body gliding slowly, closer and closer out of thin air. Mere moments go by, and they feel as if they last for ages. Soon enough, her body glides into my arms, to which I hold her close to me, bringing my face down to brush against hers. I couldn’t believe it, I didn’t falter.

“You didn’t falter.” The Commander repeats, I lift my head up as he approaches, leaning over the baby, who’s eyes remain shut, sleeping peacefully. He projects to me that he is proud, and I revel in the feeling as it dances around in my chest, like I had impressed the most important figure I could think of. It felt intoxicating to please him, feeling it bounce off of him and into me. I see that she is still asleep, and try my hand once more, letting the Commander see what I had planned, in case he needed to step in. 

I carefully flatten my arms to make it easier, and before I know it, I have levitated the child from my arms and onto my training bag, without seeing her stir. The Commander raises a hand, flattening out the bag in some areas and fluffing them up in others to make a more suitable bed for her. I can’t help but begin to think that the two of us are a good team, but I keep the idea of it to myself.

“Now, move me.” I hear him and pause, turning to face him, unsure if I had heard him correctly. I read his face for a reason behind this, and found nothing. “I can do that?” I fret, earning a slow nod from him. “Only if I let you, yes.” He challenges. There’s that feeling again, burning bright within me, because of him. It’s difficult to stamp down, but the idea of giving into it, and seeing what would result from it is a terrifying one. “You’re sure that’s okay? I won’t-” He interjects, “I am  _ letting _ you, just try it out.” He paces back a few steps, putting a fair distance between us within the training room. I focus on him as he watches me do so, a hint of enjoyment gleaming in his eyes. “As I am much larger than a child, there is a considerable amount more you must devote, but still achievable, nonetheless.”

I listen, focusing harder, devoting more of myself to him. Just as he said, he has let me do so, and I find myself,  _ me,  _ sliding the Commander of the First Order across the room. His boots squeal lightly against the tile, but he is moving. At first it was intentionally slow, but with time I gained the confidence and power to slide him faster, his boots fully off of the floor, finally stopping him as he meets me a bit closer than I had anticipated. I huff as we’re face to face, thrilled by the idea behind it all that I was capable of harnessing such power. 

“Not bad huh?” I exclaim, covering my mouth with both hands immediately and looking over to the baby as I see I have spoken too loud. She stirs slightly, and then settles on her own. I leave his side, crossing the room to examine her. Bending down, I fluff up my large bag from underneath her, molding it against her body to swaddle her. “Yes, you’ll be moving those around you in no time. Countering it is what takes practice.”

I stand to my feet, eyes on the child as I watch her sleep tranquilly. “It would?” I begin, wondering outloud. “I assume it wouldn’t be too hard to-” I am gliding across the room before I am able to finish my sentence, my chest bumping against the Commander’s before I have understood what’s happened. His hands mold around my upper arms to steady me against him; I take a moment to collect my breath, peering up as he looks down upon me. 

“I seem to have spoken too soon.” I appease, to which he responds lightly, a smirk growing on his face. “It would appear so.” He steps back again, putting space between us from across the room. “This time, fight it off. Don’t let me take you.”

I blink a few times at him, overdramatized. “Stop  _ you  _ of all people?” I mention, giving him a smile, to which he nods. “You’re stronger than you know, Major. Not an impossible task, but I can give you some leeway.” I agree with him with a curt nod, bracing myself for impact. I see him focus the slightest bit on me, right as my body scoots toward him, my boots squeaking against the tile in an effort to counter him. It’s jarring, fighting him off. I dedicate a good amount of effort as I focus on him, keeping away from his pull. 

His mind tugs me closer, a more distinguishable smile forming on his lips. I plant my boots steady, imagining as if I’m an impenetrable force, unmoveable. This time I feel his incessant tug within my mind, as well as the physical pull of my body, but I do not budge. I tilt my head downward, pinching my brows together to concentrate better. Commander Ren’s tongue slides across the inside of his cheek mid concentration, full of surprise, almost marveling me. I nearly lost all the concentration I had built up. 

“I  _ myself _ may have underestimated how powerful you are.”

I raise my eyebrows while countering his next surge of power as it attempts to pull me in, feeling myself work up a bit of a sweat as I listen to him, a newfound confidence in the works as it fills up my insides. I become a bit cocky, wanting to press my luck. “Having trouble, Commander?”

He grits his teeth down into a smile, buckling down a bit as his lengthy arm reaches out toward me. This time, the pull is much more forceful, with more meaning behind his efforts. I focus down on him with more haste, feeling as if I didn’t pay attention for one moment, I’d be flung across the room. I place a hand out in front of me, pushing against his pull. I feel the desire brimming from him, excited when faced with a challenge such as this one. Now, he  _ wants  _ me to reach him, but here I am combatting the idea. 

I throw in a bit more of a challenge, surprising him when I slow the push and pull him toward me, his boots sliding against the tile only momentarily. He lets out a laugh, humored by my efforts. “Great, Major, just like that.” I laugh as well, his pull on me growing stronger by the second. I groan a bit, repositioning my footing to better keep myself from him. It’s becoming increasingly harder, and I feel myself growing tired against him, but I want to keep on. I scoot him a bit closer to me, and he does the same with my body. 

Both of us halted, I let out a shaky, concentrated breath, not letting my mind waver anywhere but on him. The warmth that’s resided between us has played into this game of tug-of-war, filling my emotions, hazing over my mindset and the goal we both have. The physical pull from him was one thing. The force, on the other hand, was creeping into our minds and attempting to snake us together as well, only adding on as a distraction. It was enticing to let go and collide into him, the force begging me to do just that.

“You could.” He shutters while I am mid thought, his voice timid and above a whisper, almost like he didn’t mean to say it out loud. Not giving his all, but giving a good amount as he tries to summon me toward him. I feel my throat dry, the air from my lungs stuck in surprise. I really try to hide the smile that creeps over my lips, but something about his advances doesn’t let me. I bite my lip to hide how big the smile could potentially become. 

“Would you like me to?” I ask longingly, the slightest bit of temptation lining my words, enough for him that he very obviously picks up on, as I feel the energy between us heighten. So often I felt the heat between us keeping me warm, but the chill this interaction gave me slices down my spine and pricked my skin with goosebumps.

He doesn’t nod, his face doesn’t give away any indication of what he wants. Instead, in a swift motion his tall frame stands up straight, his arm locking forward as his fingers expand and retract. This time I cannot fight his pull, as he heaves my body across the distance between us, smacking directly into his chest with great force. His arms frantically wrapped around me as we collided onto the floor, his back smacking the ground from the sheer force between us. I land on top of him, our arms are tangled together. We huff against each other, the rise and fall of our stomachs matching in unison. 

Quickly I lift my head from the crook of his neck to peer down at him, our faces close enough to feel his warm breath heating my face. Our eyes only hold each other momentarily, the child across the room crying out and breaking the intimate gaze we shared. Once I’ve snapped out of my stupor I hastily slide my body off of his and onto the floor. Before I’m able to get to my feet, the Commander has rolled onto his side, placing an eager hand on my upper thigh to slow me. 

“Soothe her from here, just reach out.” He instructs, breathlessly, his eyes still peering into mine with a good amount of interest, intrigued in the moment. I struggle to avert my eyes away from him, settling them on the child. I reach a hand out, mimicking how he had once calmed her so easily. The child grows more upset, her cries louder and more aggravated. “Picture calming her down.” He adds on, his body scoots closer to me as his hand envelopes my own, helping guide me. I focus my mind onto her, but even her cries are drowned out by the incessant energy between Commander Ren and I, so close to one another in more ways than one. I couldn’t possibly focus at a time like this, not when his eyes had so much behind them I couldn’t decipher. 

He lets go of my hand to reach out on his own, creating an arch and quieting the child within moments. I sigh, keeping my eyes on her as his arm settles beside me. “It’s difficult, but we can work on it, together.” I nod, feeling his eyes burning spots into where he was observing me. 

I physically have to rise to my feet, feeling the tug of the force between us lingering, attempting to stitch us closer together. It’s odd to feel this, knowing he feels it as well, and neither of us commenting on it. Perhaps I looked into it too much, confusing it with what it wasn’t, ignoring what it really was. I didn’t want to believe that, I liked the notion I had usually sided with, truly believing that’s what was happening between us. “What else is there to learn?” I wondered out loud, trying to lessen whatever feelings rose from within me, hoping to cut him out of whatever he was successfully gathering from my thoughts.

He collects himself to his feet, brushing off as if he didn’t haul me across the room to purposely collide into him. “I think it would be of use for you to know how to meditate, and calm yourself down, as I usually do so for you.” I nod in agreement as I feel my cheeks redden a bit, reflecting on all the times he reached into my mind to ease the noise. “It’s also quiet, so the child can sleep.” He adds on. 

I stay standing, still entranced by the child’s energy, so gentle and pure. I begin to worry about what would become of her, how other’s would treat her. Hoping with everything I had in me that no harm would ever come her way, not unless I was standing in the way to stop it. I had spent so little time with her today, and now I felt myself attached to the child, so small and vulnerable in this expansive, never ending galaxy.

Commander Ren budges beside me, shifting his weight onto his opposite foot, moving a bit closer to me. “I am already picking up that you would like to shelter her, from the Order.” I sigh gingerly, acknowledging him. “It’s hard to believe that… there’s a whole life ahead of her. I don’t want anything bad to happen to her here, she’s so defenseless. I don’t want her to grow up unloved, I wish she could experience it.”

I share a tad too much with the Commander, partially regretting doing so as I finished up. There is a slight pause as we both lay our gazes on the sleeping child before us, then he speaks up. “You didn’t receive enough affection growing up.” He makes this more of a statement than a question. I had forgotten he once peered into a good amount of my memories, but not the entirety my childhood. Hearing this, he had sifted through enough to know my childhood wasn’t always pleasant, a good amount of bumps here and there. “No.” I tell him, flat and to the point, unsure if I felt like delving into my answer any further. “Neither did I.” He confirms in a low tone.

I swallowed hard, turning to him to see his eyes were still set on the child, not budging. I studied the side of his face, something I didn’t get the chance to do very often, as he always had his walls up, facing me, or simply not there at all. Observing the peak of his nose, how strongly set his jaw was within the moment, dancing on top of a touchy subject for us both. I marveled at the sight of him, guard down, sharing a piece of himself with me. I felt honored, as well as intrigued to learn more about him, someday in the near future. “I suppose we had to grow up at an early age.” I point out, to which he sighs and replies grimly. “I suppose so.”

I feel sorry for how somber he has grown, the mood between us dwindling downward, wanting to fix it. “I do believe that people like us can do right, by raising children in a manner that we wish we could have experienced, better in every sense needed.”

After I had spoken, the Commander finally swiveled his head toward me, his gaze holding some amount of wonderment toward my question. “S-someday in the future, at least.” I stammer, adding on as I find his gaze on me had become too powerful, too reflective and deep as his wonderment poured into me. The corners of his mouth turned upward, surely taking notice in how embarrassed I had become, his eyes soft as there was another meaning I couldn’t quite tap into before he spoke. “Someday, surely.”

I peer back at the sleeping child, blinking a few times to rid myself of the feeling in my chest, caused by the Commander who still observed the side of my face. He continued to do so for a few more moments, quietly, before choosing to add on. “For now, we can do right by the force, as teacher and student.” I listened to him, wondering if he had taken what I had said in a different way than I had meant it. I then ponder on what he is slightly insinuating, the smallest bit. I turned to see that the small smile on his face hadn’t dissipated, before I answered. “I’m ready when you are.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! How is everyone liking this chapter? Any ideas of where this can lead to for them? I check comments/the amount of reads I have at leastttt ten or so times a day, I really love reading through them. Thank you for sticking around and reading, I hope you all are doing well! <3 xx


	17. Chapter 17

I gather to my feet after rolling over my shoulder, dodging a quick fist stemming from Commander Ren. I manage to focus on him as quickly as I can, shoving him away from me, all praise to the force. He snickers as he repositions his footing, going to move forward and then realizing he cannot, as I have frozen him solid. The look on his face is quite devastatingly handsome, but I move too quickly to take it in for any enjoyment. Within an instant, I summon a wooden staff closest to me, flinging through the air for me to grasp. I swing as quickly as I can manage and turn the staff to him, pointed directly at his neck as he is nothing but a solid mass before me.

“You’re _dead.”_ I muse, wiggling my brow at him. He gives me a mere grin before I hear the shelving units on the walls behind me rustling. Before I know it, a second wooden staff sweeps my weight out from underneath me. I promptly slip and fall, my legs flying into the air. Before I am able to hit the ground, Commander Ren suspends me in the air about an inch off. I release my force hold on him, as he does the same for me, I gently thud against the tiled floor with a huff. 

“We’re _both_ dead.” He jokes as his teeth peak through his lips for a smile, letting out a tired sigh. I stay on my spot on the floor, panting as the sweat from my forehead beads down across the side of my face. The Commander maneuvers to the side, kicking my water bottle closer to me, to which I grab and hastily drink from. 

He chose to sit down on the ground next to me as he finishes his water, his eyes scanning over the mess we had made of the training room. Weights scattered about, different staffs and stuffed practice dummies laying on their sides. A few weapons driven into targets, with some rogue knives hanging from the ceiling. This was probably the fourth or fifth week of training with him, pretty much every day, if not every other day to rest. We had become better acquainted, feeling as if I could say we had become friends. There was no tension between us, we both wanted the same thing. It was obvious he wanted me to learn properly.

Compared to our first training session, with the young child from Ithor, things weren’t as awkward either. I didn’t feel a strain when we were in each other’s personal space as we trained, often I felt the pull between us and used it to my advantage, letting myself _want_ to run toward him to fight, or to forcefully pull him closer so I could take a jab at him. I felt the same brimming in him too, how badly there was a need for us to get even closer. I knew training and constantly colliding our bodies made up for it to some extent, but the desire in the energy between us seemed to grow more and more each day we didn’t give into it fully.

Neither of us had ever mentioned it either, simply knowing it was there and choosing not to comment. There were times within sessions that we nearly brushed lips having become so close, we happened to be so wrapped up in sparring that we didn’t realize until we had stepped away. It was too strong, too tempting for either of us to run from it, but too fear-inducing to relinquish all our power to it.

It was distracting, the spark between him and I; guilty of letting myself get caught up in the moment while feeling the desire, entertaining it a bit too long. Only a few times had I felt the Commander pay it too much mind; one time in particular having entertained the pull so much that he ended the training session forty five minutes earlier than usual. It was obvious why he did, as we were making much progress, but I didn’t think twice about his reasoning in fear of embarrassing him any further than he already was. As good as the terms we tread upon were, I feared ruining the progress we had made by pointing out the obvious. I didn’t want to anger him, or make him resent me. Nothing was ever mentioned of it, and we certainly didn’t feel confident enough to bring it up the next time we trained.

It was as if a giant Blurrg followed the two of us around while we were together. We saw it, and actively tried our best to ignore it.

I continue to pant, my chest and stomach rising and falling as I’m sure there is a puddle of sweat beneath me. I keep my eyes shut and slow my breaths, practicing a simple cool down meditation to gather myself together. He had taught me the importance of meditating, even if it consisted of drawing deep breaths from my diaphragm to slow myself down. I had a lot of knowledge under my belt thanks to him.

“Anything else to cover today?” I ask him, my breathing finally slowly as I run a clammy hand to wipe my forehead. I wasn’t necessarily _spent_ , but if he had something worth sharing, I was always overzealous for more.

“You’ve worked hard enough, we can afford to pick up tomorrow.” I nod once he’s answered, yawning and stretching. I feel my tired muscles expand and grow a bit sore as I extend them, having gained a good amount of muscle mass as these training sessions were in higher demand than what I taught to my students. As I stretch I feel a difference in the energy between us, spurring butterfly-like flutters in the pit of my stomach. I open my eyes to see the Commander watching me as I stretch on the floor beside him, his eyes hazed over with a sultry stare. Totally unashamed.

I raise my brow at him once his eyes waver back to mine, letting my arms rest at my sides as my legs relax. “What is it?” I ask, surprising myself as I found my mind growing anxious with anticipation. It was a little unnerving to see him like this, so dauntless. His eyes are soft at first glance, but as I stare, I see a fire in them. Some kind of exhilaration he was getting from this interaction. His face remained sensual as I began to implode on the inside.

“Reach into me and see.” He hums, _so_ simply. As eager as I was to see what he was thinking first hand, I slowed my mind down to tread lightly, for both of our sake. I prop myself up on my forearm, my upper body rising slightly to get a better look at him as the rest of my body lays on the floor. I carefully peer into him in a general sense, picking up he was tired, a day well spent exerting his energy into the session. I wasn’t understanding what was going on. I mentally step back as I give him a stare, mystified. His eyes edge me onward, tilting his head upward to come closer. 

This time I sit up and scoot closer to him, placing a meek hand on the side of his warmed and reddened face, as well as his temple. I close my eyes, reaching into him fully and giving it my all not to shudder. I couldn’t recall a time where I ever got to touch his face, I wasn’t able to relish the moment as I dove into his mind, too all-encompassing to focus on anything else. The energy between us practically erupts, I have to tread very carefully in order not to appease it, as well as make things awkward between us. Even if we’re both aware of it, neither of us had _ever_ given into it. It almost seemed as if the galaxy would implode if we did.

Reaching into him wasn’t something he had let me practice too often, but I understood. He had trauma, he had his own fears. He didn’t want me delving too far, I got that. He had resentment for his uncle, he had killed his own father. He was estranged from his own mother. Although I knew these things, as they were the talk of the space station, I could _feel_ the hate he had looming within every nook of his mind. There was obviously more for me to tap into, to really see his memories, feeling what thoughts he had toward his family, but I wouldn’t dare. I couldn’t imagine what would occur if I ever did.

I can tell he’s only showing me what he wants me to see, but I still see other things, like how much of what circulates between us he actually lets in. I pass it, having to focus my mind even more not to give in. I filter through his different thoughts and feelings, approaching the one that gives off the most power, similar to an alarm going off in his mind. I reach into it, not exactly knowing what it is, only understanding it felt _great._ I bask in the feeling for a moment, so euphoric as such a feeling is coming from him. My hand practically weakens against his face, the feeling overcoming my senses. It’s intoxicating, and a bit dangerous to dive into completely. The longer I spend in his mind, the less I am grounded in the physical aspects of reality, as I have not practiced enough to strengthen my reach. I break away and open my eyes to find his, still fixated on mine.

I shake my head, giving him a light smile as I express my confusion. “I still don’t understand wha-” Before I can finish, we both lose interest in whatever is going on between us, the force rippling all around us, no inch of space within the room not taken up by the sudden difference. I don’t feel good at all, I am sickened so soon after feeling such elation passed off between him and I. The incessant thoughts of other people rally into my mind, a far distance away from the training center, in a panic. Many are worried, scattering around like ants on a rotting carcass. Someone has returned, but not the same as they have left.

“Someone is injured.” I say shakily, trying to stand to my feet but the sheer magnitude of other people’s thoughts racing in and out of my mind is too difficult to wane out. My vision blurs and I press my eyes closed, rubbing a hand over my forehead and eyes. I strain in and out, quieting them down momentarily until they build up again even stronger. I still needed to work out cutting them out when they entered, I hadn’t mastered this ability yet. I thought I had a lot of things down, but every victory revealed more for me to learn and practice. The Commander’s hand reached out to grab my upper arm to help me stand, his other softly brushing the tips of his fingers against my forehead to quiet down the voices. 

“Captain Phasma has returned. We need to go.” He quickly mentions while securing his helmet. He tows me along, his arm against my backside as his hand secures around my bicep, keeping the side of my body pressed to his for support; sensing this new shift in the force was a lot to become used to. I feel a bit weak as he leads me, but I try to focus in on the force and what it was trying to tell me. I felt it guide me, and I tried to guess how well I could maneuver along with it if the Commander hadn’t been showing me the way himself, by his side.

It was obvious that the sudden alteration didn’t feel right, but I wasn’t able to figure out who was in trouble like the Commander could. We ascend down the hallway at a brisk walk, but fluctuations in the force warn us time is of the essence. He turns to me and I nod as I get the memo, both of us starting to run once he releases my arm. Bounding down the hallway, onlookers stare in wonderment of where we are headed, I am curious as to what is in store for us as well. Their thoughts interject my mind and eject as quickly as we pass their physical selves. Phasma was most likely hurt as she had returned to the Death Star, but the extent of the problem wasn’t within my grasp.

For what seems like no time at all, we cover ground quickly and arrive in the Med Bay. I am surprised that after a lengthy training session we are ready and able to sprint down hallways and up sets of stairs, the force surely willing us to continue forward. The Commander barks orders at the first medical assistant we see, his vocoder snapping at the magnitude of his raising voice. An antsy person behind the counter runs out, directing us to the room we were searching for. 

We enter and I immediately see it, why there was such a dent in the force to which we had felt. Phasma lays out on a medical table, blood soaked gauze lining around her body. Her armor is dented in, and other parts of her are completely broken off to show her exposed flesh, scarlet streams leaking out of her at an alarming rate. 

“What has happened?” Commander Ren asks, entering further and taking no time to get to action. He stands beside medical personnel as they try their best to appease him. I stare for a good moment, having never seen her in such bad shape. I forcibly shake it off, coming to terms with how serious the situation was. Nothing I hadn’t seen before, but unnerving that it was someone I had known for so long. She gurgles on blood, trickling down her neck. She is weak and barely conscious, only letting out groans of pain as one of the med staff packs her multiple wounds to put a halt to the continuous flow of blood. She has lost a lot. 

“She was on Ryloth gathering intel with the DV trooper division, I don’t know what went wrong.” One of the staff mentions as I walk to the side of the Captain, smoothening my fingers through the blood coated hair plastered on her face. Her facial muscles twitch while her body convulses. “Where is the DV division?” I question, wiping the smeared blood on her scuffed up cheek, keeping it from pooling into her eyes. One of the members of the staff gives me a somber look as I impatiently raise my eyes to meet his. His head sympathetically. “They are gone.”

The Commander’s helmet turns my way once he catches on, I’m taken back as I press further. “Gone how? You mean one of the squads?” The staff member grows anxious, I can see, fumbling around as he hands more gauze to those who are tending to the Captain. “No, Major. I’m saying the whole platoon is _gone._ There are no remaining survivors _._ ”

I feel the air in my lungs constrict, lowering my head as I make sense of what he had told me. I had trained the DV division a year or so ago. I was close with a good amount of them. Five squads made up one platoon, that meant there would have been an actual battle, unaccounted for. Unforeseen. “How does that happen?” I feel my anger rising inside as I challenge the staff member. “I didn’t even lose an entire platoon on Exodeen, so how does this occur on an intel mission?” I snap, the machines the Captain is hooked up to beginning to beep rapidly, blaring through the room. 

“She needs to be taken into surgery, she doesn’t have long.” One of them mentions to the head of staff that entered the room just after the Commander and I did. He observes her, skimming over her injuries. “She won’t _last_ surgery.” The man pipes up, stroking his long white beard as his eyes scan the Captain. There is a moment of pause as he looks to the med personnel around him, shaking his head disappointingly.

He then reaches into one of the drawers and fills a needle with a sort of orange liquid, setting the vial down and making his way to her. As he injects the needle into the Captain’s neck, the other med personnel back off of her, letting the head of staff do what needs to be done. I open my mouth to protest, but cower down as I see it was too late. I feel warm tears prick my vision as my hand rests on her shoulder, watching her tensed body fall into more of a relaxed state, her facial muscles calming down as well. “We still don’t know what happened on Ryloth, surely there's _something_ you c-”

_You can do what none of them can, Major._

I pause mid sentence as Commander Ren’s voice reaches out to me. I close my eyes and will myself to understand his reasoning, giving up on her so quickly, but it doesn’t make sense to me. How that many people can go missing in action, somewhere where we didn’t intend something like this could go wrong. I immediately pass through her thoughts, entering her memories of this past day.

She is with the platoon of troopers on Ryloth, they have their objective in sight. Something interjects, _someone_ gets in their way. She puts up a fight, a good one. I can feel what she felt in the moment, she was ready to fight, ready to die. She seamlessly kills off those that come near her, never faltering, never doubting herself. I sense two other figures, different than all others that surround the Captain. They have a familiar energy that ripples from the two of them, as the Captain watches the entire platoon is shot backward, slamming down with such force that it instantly kills them. The two give off an enormous amount of energy together as they do this, the Captain notices and wavers only for a moment, before lunging towards them. The Captain is furious, her platoon has been decimated, and now she is out for blood. The younger one accepts the challenge dueling with the Captain as the second, older one watches from behind. I focus harder, feeling this stranger's energy so strongly. The Captain fights harder than she ever has, and it still isn’t enough against this young… woman? Phasma really struggles to defend herself, hardly ever connecting a blow toward the other person. They are stronger than her in more ways than one, the Captain recognizes this and grows fearful, feeling what she had felt brings me to nausea. I hear the older one yelling at the younger one, possibly telling her to stop. I press my eyes shut a tightly as I can, desperately peering through her blurred memory and focusing my might down onto the assailant’s face-

As if a switch turns off her memories, I am left within the dark abyss of her mind. Everything goes cold, the warmth her memories once provided now dwindling down. The longer I stay, the more fearful I become, an imminent and chilling energy quickly filling around me. I forcibly flee her mind, prying my eyes open to spring back and see her lifeless body before me, her skin turning colder by the second. I shakily view the hand that once rested on her shoulder, turning away from her as I feel my body temperature rising rapidly, unsure if it is from sadness of losing yet another friend, or from the anger I had not found what I was hoping for from her memories.

“Everyone _out._ ” I seethe through my teeth, digging my nails into the palms of my hands as they ball at my sides, doing so in order to not use the force to will them out of the room faster than they had done themselves. As they scurry out I expand and retract my hands, feeling the need to fight although the Commander and I had just wrapped up our session not long ago. 

“Focus, Major. Do not let this get to your head.” His vocoder states prominently as my body rattles with anger, nearly sure the top of my head is steaming. “As if you-” I stop myself dead in my tracks, biting down on my lip _hard_ to shut myself up, my elevating anger getting the best of me, thinking it was right to make a jab at the Commander. I turn my head away from him in shame, my body shaking.

_I’m sorry._

He stays silent as I send my message to him, the silence of the room pushing me further into my infuriation. I roll my neck and suck in a quick breath. My hand reaches out on an impulse to yank the row of books off the shelves of the wall, but as I feel the Commander’s gentle nudge within my mind to help calm me, I ball my fist yet again and stamp down the feeling, focusing.

“I couldn’t see her thoughts clear enough.” I force out, lowering my arm and keeping my fist locked. I hear him unlock his helmet, approaching me from behind. “You gathered what you were capable of, I can see it too. What we have is better than nothing.” I can feel a residual anger brimming within him, but he isn’t acting on it. I sense he is keeping it under wraps for my own betterment. Discovering his hidden rage only fuels my own.

“It could have been _clearer._ ” I argue, my voice faltering and growing weak as my adrenaline does quite the opposite, ramping me up at a jarring rate. I detected the gentle brush of the Commander’s hand on the back of my shoulder at the exact moment I decided to lunge forward to punch the wall in front of me, my fist plowing through and creating a hole for my entire arm to sink into. I yelp in anger, my arm stuck as I am unable to pull it out. “Major-” He begins as I wriggle around, growling and groaning as I pummel the wall with my free hand, breaking away the wall piece by piece to make more room for me to escape.

As I free my arm I stumble back into him, to which he grabs a hold of me securely while I’m still a frustrated mess. He turns me to grab both bloodied fists, pieces of skin torn off and separated as blood and dust covered my knuckles. He shakes his head, my eyes finding his to see how disappointed he had grown. “You cannot upset yourself over what you have yet to learn, these things take _time_.” He keeps my hands enveloped in his carefully as he scolds me in the most lighthearted way possible. ”Letting your anger decide your actions is not how I want you to act.”

I am overcome with feelings of embarrassment as I huff before him, his gentle nudge growing more assertive as he cools down my mind, so effortless it seemed. He was known for how quickly he could turn to anger, but he still worked on it, especially around me. I hadn’t truly seen him act out in anger, uncalled for or not, in quite some time. I knew he was right, if my master could work on this, I needed to as well. 

“I believe I do know who could have done this to the Captain, you gave me more than enough to figure that out. There is no need for _this.”_ He mentions, raising my hands and motioning to them. My hands raised as my knuckles remained dangerously close to his lips, my mind wavering to the thought of how good they would feel pressing into my opened flesh.

I nod once more and drive out the desire before it was too obvious for him to pick up on, his hands squeezing mine tighter as his eyes close, feeling him draw upon his abilities to mend them. I release my hand from his, and grow sad from the absence of his touch, seeing his eyes open while his brow furrows with confusion.

“I can manage. I’ll keep it as a reminder, that’s the only way I’ll learn from it.” I watch a smirk nearly part his lips as he fights it off, smoothly sliding a hand on the counter behind us and leaning into it, his body slanted a bit closer to me. I see him collecting his thoughts as his eyes waver down to my knuckles as I let my arms rest at my sides. I quickly grow apprehensive, wondering if he had heard my impulsive, longing thoughts from before.

“Back in the training room, when you tried reading into my emotions. I was proud of you. I _am_ proud of you, Major. Of the progress you’ve made, of the promise you’ve shown me.” He praises, liquifying every bone in my body as I stood before him, blissfully listening to each word that passed his lips. I feel the apples of my cheeks reddening as I return his smile. He had made it clear whether or not I was doing well in the past, even sometimes congratulating me on a “job well done” after a rather intense fighting session, but nothing ever quite like this. This time, he really took me back with how genuine of a man he could let himself be around me.

Before I can answer, the blast doors slide open to reveal the unwelcomed flash of ginger hair, the energy between the Commander and I dimming in a mutual displeasement. I feel the Commander growing angry as I do as well, but I then realize we had become a bit chummy directly in front of Captain Phasma’s corpse. There was really no plausible reason to be angry, yet we both remained set in our ways.

“I came as quickly as I gathered the news.” He huffs, peering at the two of us. The Commander didn’t bother moving away from me, and I the same. The General’s eyes flicker to Phasma, his expression softening a bit as he seems at a loss of words. “Do we know who delivered this attack?” Commander Ren simply nods. “I have an idea.” His rising anger fills the space between us, but I can feel him put a lid over it, not wanting to dive into it here.

The General repositions his footing, clearly unable to find somewhere for his eyes to rest, in a constant battle between the Commander and I to Phasma’s lifeless body. “You do know what this means, I presume?” He begins as my eyes trail off to the floor, finding it somewhat difficult to pay attention. General Hux had always seemed to act a certain way around me, after growing used to it, it felt different to be in his presence while the Commander was around. As if he was a deterrence from the General finding a way to make me uncomfortable.

“It is imperative to scout the neighboring planets of the two assailants, we shouldn’t waste anymore time than we already have.” The Commander mentions as he speaks up, moving away from me to the post where his helmet resided. His voice is suppressed, as if he wants to add on more, surely having to do with Hux and his awful timing. The General shifts, a coy smile nearly creeping onto his face before he is able to hide it.

“Of course, we have already begun to take those actions.” The General answers and the Commander nods, readying to fasten on his helmet. “I do mean that in light of our Captain’s passing, her duties will be directed to the rank directly above her.”

The Commander halts, his helmet wavering in his hands as I grow motionless in my spot, how evident of a claim this was. Astonished I hadn’t pieced everything together any sooner than only now. “Congratulations, Major. Or to put it correctly, Commandant.” I shudder at his words, knowing I had only gained the Captains duties. I had once passed by holding the title of ‘captain’ because the Order had seen no need for me to be out in battle as much as they needed me to train, only placing me in the direct line to fight when it was truly needed. 

Now, this meant I would be on grounds with the troopers more often. Putting myself in danger more often. Not only leading missions, but fighting _within_ them and seeing they are executed correctly. Mistakes made like on Exodeen could occur more often, and maybe I wouldn’t be so lucky to make it out alive. This only wound the string connecting me to the First Order even tighter, putting much more of a strain on any idea of living a peaceful life in the future. 

I blankly stare at the General, halfly because I was taking on Phasma’s workload in the presence of her decomposing corpse, and halfly because this meant I was most likely going to die in the line of battle, or die of old age alongside the First Order. The only upside of this title advancement was that I was significantly less expendable, something I had always cared about and kept in the forefront of my mind. Only now it seemed insignificant; they couldn’t get rid of me if they tried, I was too important.

“The best course of action is to make your way out to the first indications of the assailant’s whereabouts. You will be instructed of your destination in due time, _Commandant._ As for now, a debriefing is in order to catch everyone up to speed on the latest happenings. I do assume you know where our late Captain would have wanted to lay at rest?” 

“Starkiller.” I mention flatly to him, rubbing my lips together with unease. Such a sad, cold planet to want your corpse to spend the rest of eternity. Illum didn’t have much going for it before it was molded and hollowed out for Starkiller, it wasn’t a place I ever desired to go to, unless necessary. I grow sad for my lost friend, only ever keeping matters between us professional, never growing too close. She was a woman of strength and integrity, never backing down from a fight, never missing a beat to do what was right for the Order. We lost a valuable asset, I regretted not getting to know her any better than I had.

I feel the energy between Commander Ren and I fluctuate as he finds me growing grim, snapping me out of my remorseful thoughts.

“Yes, that seems right. Glad I can count on you to know these things.” The General approaches the doors, pausing momentarily in the doorway to turn back to meet my eyes over his shoulder.

“I do have every confidence you will execute these duties, undistracted as always. I’ll give you a moment before we go.” With this last remark, he exits the room as I feel the Commander’s looming energy fill the empty space. I couldn’t see past the General’s compliment to believe he meant it, but my new title was too much of a thought on it’s own to worry myself about him..

“ _Commandant.”_ I finally repeat, truly never having mentioned that word and believing I could attain it, rising higher than I had ever expected. I had always assumed I would time out of being a Major, completing my duties and finding a way to peacefully leave; I hoped to at least.

“How does it feel?” The Commander asks from a few feet away, calm and curious. I have difficulty reading his energy, what once was a proudness of me now felt a bit different, as I also felt toward myself similarly. I shake my head, looking over at the Captain’s motionless body. “It doesn’t feel right, not at all.” I admit, feeling the swirl of sadness overcome me. 

All these duties would surely wear me down even more, I couldn’t see how I would be able to balance this, plus the idea of familiarizing myself in the ways of the force. It also seemed foolish to overthink, as there was no way out of gaining these new responsibilities. The only way out seemed to be by death.

Commander Ren grimaces, scanning over my thoughts. “Of course you can balance all of this.”

I raise a brow. “You believe so?” I ask, tilting my head to the side in a slight annoyance with the current situation. He nods. “I have no doubt in my mind about you.”

My cheeks blush for a second time in this room, and I don’t try to hide this from him while I feel the energy pick up between us. I let my head loll around, bashfully. “Will you be able to address me by my new title so abruptly?” I take a step closer to him as I cross my arms, shifting my weight and letting my hip jut out as I await his answer. With the shake of his head, a grin forms just the slightest bit. The look on his face rouses me to such an insufferable length, to a point where I am unable to fight off the signals I send to him. “I figure it will take some time. I’ve grown rather fond of the image in my mind when I hear the mention of ‘Major’.” He replies a bit playfully, tugging more on the string that leads from him to me, connecting us.

“I do presume that bumping up our training session and making them more fit for a Commandant is in order, I hope you can understand.” He adds on, serious, but alluding to the whimsical aspect of his comment. His eyes flicker to mine after a moment, letting me in on the comical side to this—he was always good at blurring the lines between sarcasm and what was the truth. I give him a nod, playing along. “Of course it is, I’m sure I have some time to spare after the debriefing. Would you?”

His eyes avert away from mine and slowly travel down the length of my body, sizing me up, or taking me in, no doubt. They snap back up to meet mine right as my heart rate increases, surely picking up on how easily he controlled the way my body reacted to him.

“Of course I would.”

I press my lips into a line and purposely look away from him, his facial expression alluding to how much the warmth in his chest was affecting him. “We better get going then.” I sigh, uncrossing my arms as I feel reluctant to attend this meeting; I absentmindedly looked around for anything I brought with me in the room. I didn’t, but my eyes fell onto our late Captain, so still and calm on the table she rested upon.

Commander Ren breaks away as soon as my gaze meets his once more, grabbing his helmet to fasten it on. He steps aside and lets me exit the door first to find the General waiting, surprisingly patient. Still anxious, nevertheless. He immediately links our arms together as we start our walk down the hallway, the Commander trailing behind.

“Exciting, isn’t it? A title change to Commandant at 26, that’s better than most here.” He chirps into my ear, a bit close for my comfort. I pity him, unsure of his motives. A few weeks ago he had been all too inappropriate toward me in his office, throwing sexual advances left and right. Now he was _happy_ for me, as if we were close buddies. Something told me he wanted the facade of being my friend, or making it seem that way, at least. I didn’t understand what good would come from this, or what he had to gain. I felt Commander Ren’s irritated energy loom up from behind me and seep into my skin. I felt bad for him, whatever act the General had put up was working.

“Riveting, truly.” I sneer, letting my gaze roam elsewhere, anywhere but on him. He scoffs. “Now, now, that’s not the attitude I was hoping for. A bit contemptuous, are we?” He prods, never seeming to give up, or slow that rattling mouth of his. I then turn my head to shoot daggers through him, my arm beginning to shake as it is intertwined with his own. “The Captain, my friend is _dead_ , and I have to oversee her duties. I’m not thrilled by any means, General.” I exacted, my stare glowering down on him.

_Easy._

The Commander’s nudge into my mind calms me down a bit, sending me calming energy that molds over and soothes my rising anger and disdain for the General. The General himself softens his features, his head nodding in agreement. “You’re quite right, I do apologize.”

I kept it quiet for the remainder of our journey to one of the smaller conference rooms, unlinking our arms and putting space between him and I. I chose to momentarily tap into his mind, feeling how disappointed he was as I distanced myself from him. I already felt a bit sickened by how often I could tell I was on his mind, but I didn’t bother to read his thoughts, not wanting to know what he truly thought of me.

We approach the small conference room and the General steps aside to let me in first, to where I am struck down by the stares of many unfamiliar faces. I grow the slightest bit uneasy, taking a spot by a man I had yet to ever meet. The Commander strides to his seat at the head of the table while the General scurries in and stands before everyone, the sound of his throat clearing takes the sets of eyes off of me,

“I do praise you all for attending so promptly at such short notice. As you have been informed of the fall of our Captain, her injuries inflicted upon her by no ordinary Resistance member, nor any standard individual that has refused to join our side.” Pausing, he peers to the Commander.

“It was the girl, and Skywalker.” Commander Ren pronounces to the room, his voice suppressed but overfilled with hatred and disgust. I feel the energy coming off him in destructive waves, so powerful as his stature remained taut and upright, not showing the extent of his anger.

“How can we be so sure?” This time I recognize who the man behind the voice is, Sergeant Kasadan as he sits across the table and to my 2 o’clock. Commander Ren wastes no time responding. “I saw the late Captain’s memories, I am sure of it.”

The General messes around with control switches near the hologram projector, whirring to life and projecting the planet Ryloth above us. I lose my focus on the General as he speaks, my eyes scanning the holo planet. “It is unknown why the two assailants were on the planet, it also remains a mystery how far they could have gotten by now. Routine searches will be conducted on the neighboring planets, starting with Tatooine, led by our newly appointed Commandant.” The General whisks behind me, letting his hand slide across the top of my chair as he saunters by. “She will begin and conclude the angle in which we go about our searches. Starting tomorrow of course, after we have laid our late Captain to rest.”

The looks on the faces of those surrounding me are not pleasant, ultimately surprised I had attained such a title, I’m sure. Some of those I am familiar with are nodding in agreement, but they are few and far between those I do not know.

“A _woman_ Commandant.” One of the men scoff under his breath, almost inaudible. I swallow the lump in the throat, my eyes fluttering lightly as I ward off the feelings the comment gives me. Certainly not the worst that has ever been directed toward me, but definitely not the last. I had grown used to jabs from men all my life, I looked at this one to only promptly sweep it under the rug and continue on with the meeting.

“Admiral Kent?” The General asks from across the room, puzzled. I didn’t buy into this, the General knew well enough what the rotund man had said. He only wanted to shed the light onto it.

“The last to execute these duties was a woman, it is evident how she ended up.” He retorts, moved to such anger over matters so trivial. I lock my jaw in place, placing with my fingers folded neatly in my lap. I give him an odd stare that doesn’t seem to give him the slightest clue about how I felt, he continues adding on to his argument as he chooses to return my stare with pride.

"Surely we should break the chain that has only held us back; a ready and abled man of _power_ would oversee these duties much better than _she_ ever could.”

Just as I feel his comments are enough to ignite my anger, I watch as his eyes jolt out of their sockets, his hand quickly fastening over his throat. He stands from his seat as he frowns, gasping for air in a panic. I flatten my lips to keep myself from smiling, knowing exactly what was happening. Each moment he spends struggling to intake air has made his face deepen in a richer color.

General Hux’s head whips in my direction once he takes notice, as if he had finally cracked the code, a hint of validation and victory amongst his shock toward the situation at hand. He had believed _I_ was the one behind the force hold around Admiral Kent’s thick neck. Commander Ren then chooses to pipe up from his seat, leaning back comfortably in his chair as his hand raises from below the table, his fingers twisting and twitching at the exact time the Admiral lets out a strained gargle for help.

“Prior duties of the Captain fall onto the most deserving above that rank. This _woman_ is the most deserving, and overqualified individual in this room.” The Commander condemns from the head of the table, his mask fixed on Admiral Kent. The plump man’s eyes grow red and bloodshot, veins erupting across the whites of his eyes. Commander Ren’s entire arm shakes as it is cast out in front of him, the pressure he exerts turning the man’s face a different shade of blue as each moment passes.

The room falls silent, beside the constricted pleas coming from Admiral Kent. Commander Ren finally drops his hand, Kent dropping and flailing onto the table as well, gasping for a much needed breath of air. His fingers claw and scratch his neck in a haste, he stumbles back into his seat and blots his forehead with his sleeve, his eyes looking tired as I’m sure he regrets what he had previously mentioned to the fullest extent.

As everyone else in the room remains quiet, petrified stone solid in their seats by the strength our Commander has exercised, I’ve fallen smitten for the way he’s chosen to stand up for me, observing him intently as he has relaxed himself into his seat, adjusting his left glove. I cross my ankles over each other as I press my legs tightly together, clearing my throat and driving the lustful feelings that had overcome my mind as far away as I could manage. There was a time and place to feel the excitement his actions had given me, and now was not the time, nor place. I push my seat out and rise to my feet, flattening out my uniform as I collect my thoughts.

“Thank you for those kind words, Commander Ren. As well as you, Admiral Kent.” I affirm, lacing the last half of my sentence with enough disdain for Kent to pick up on. “I plan to execute my duties to the farthest extent of my abilities, with or without the support of those around me. I will not falter, I will not cease until we find those who have slain our late Captain. I will not rest until they have felt the pain she felt in her final moments, along with the additional loss the Order feels in her absence.”

The last part is the hardest I find to make out, my voice weakening the slightest bit as I think back to what I observed from the Captain’s memories. She was scared, hurting, and continuing to press on. She had died for us, I couldn’t let that go to waste. I didn’t want to let her die in vain.

I feel a great proudness, as well as desire transferred from the Commander and into me. It hits me like a ton of bricks, weighing down on my heart as I come to terms with how moved the Commander was. I bit my lip and don’t dare to look his way, knowing I will melt into a puddle of pathetic longing if I do so.

“The woman.” I mention abruptly, turning my head away and out of my thoughts to face the General. His eyes meet mine as I feel the rage pooling up within me, knowing I had more say so that came along with my new title. What begins to overtake me makes my fingers twitch, my limbs filling with a wrathful fire that only the swift deliverance of death could satisfy.

“She is at main fault for Phasma’s death. _She_ is meant for _me,_ and no one else.” I grate through my teeth, hoping he received the picture. He nods on the dot, those around me following in pursuit. I watch as Commander Ren’s helmet tips downward, in agreeance with those around him. 

I finally take my seat, feeling the steam rising from the top of my head while the General goes over the landscape of the planet of Tatooine, and some of the neighboring planets we would need to raid. I let my mind whisk off onto other thoughts as I tuned out of the debriefing, the General’s voice slowly transforming into nonsense as I could no longer make out what he was saying. I sit and stew within what was left of my anger, so surprised how easily I had worked myself up in light of Phasma’s passing.

I think to the future, my future, and what was to become of it. I muse toward my parents, wondering if they would be proud of where I was at in my career. If they would be able to look past the fact that I was within the ranks of the First Order, still pleased with their daughters achievements throughout the years. I bite the inside of my cheek as I compare my victories to their own, my shortcomings to their own. What I would give to at least _speak_ to them, maybe seeing eye to eye with my father now that I was older, possibly finding similar likes and interests with my mother. Maybe understanding where all of this went wrong, to ask them what they would do if they were in my situation. As if there was anything that _could_ be done.

I feel the ever so gentle tug from the Commander, helping me out of my thoughts, alerting me the meeting had been adjourned. Those around us file out while the General sticks behind to work on more means for the next raid. Commander Ren waits by the door and lets me exit before him, I stick around as he exits. I sense an unreadable fog within his mind, unsure of where to take our conversation before it had even begun.

He senses this too, and we begin to walk alongside each other down the hallway, slow paced. I finally fill the silence with the one question that burns into my mind so impatiently.

“Who is the girl?”

Another pause between us. I can tell he wasn’t happy to answer, and I didn’t have to feel his energy to know this.

“A scavenger.”

A beat.

“But not _just_ a scavenger.” I add, knowing no ordinary human could ever beat someone like Phasma within inches of her own life. I subconsciously knew what she was, feeling her energy through the late Captain’s memories, as well as the energy rising off of the man behind her… Skywalker.

“Not _just_ a scavenger, no. Similar to you and I.” He lets out shorter, more reserved reponses than usual. I kept the rest of my comments and questions to myself, realizing I didn’t need to pry anymore than I already had. Things would make more sense in due time.

I feel him taking a step back from me, mentally, barring his mind away from my grasp. Not that I would enter and see what was truly causing him so much anger, but I still understood why he had become distant.

I think back to how the era of the Jedi was to be wiped clean, leaving no trace of them behind. The only remaining Jedi I had ever known to exist presently was Skywalker, but it had always sounded like a myth, even in my youth. Classmates of mine in the order would joke about Skywalker coming to get you in the middle of the night, but the masters who caught wind of this promptly reprimanded those the jokes had stemmed from. He wasn’t to be joked about, as the Order wanted him dead. I always wondered what he had ever done to cause the Commander to despise him so, his own uncle. I wondered how it was possible for the two to become so estranged, surely something had gone wrong at some point.

“They will be brought to justice soon enough for what they have done, no need to worry yourself for now.” He adds on. He says this as the frustration and anger rises from him, he was still trying to better himself, even in light of alarming news.

“All of the anger between us needs to be put to use.” He chides in, I nod and flatten out my uniform, both of us picking up our pace.

“Agreed.”

We continued down the hallways silently as we now had a destination, both of us more than ready for a second go of training for the day. I still feel the energy between us, heated and vengeful, both of us wanting to get our fix, but knowing the deliverance of it would require patience. Commander Ren still is blocking himself off from me somewhat, I wonder if his thoughts and emotions are too difficult for him to control this time, so he drives a metaphorical wedge between his mind and mine.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t downcasted by this, but I understood this was difficult for him, having it out for someone, wanting them dead more than anything, and also having them as your family. I tried my best to look at it from this viewpoint.

I turn my head to the side to peer up at him, his head turned opposite from me and inspecting those who walk by us, or the crowd of people within the rooms we stride past. I can see he's flustered as well, wanting to concern himself with something else to ease his worry and apprehensiveness, before we made it to the training room at least. I let my gaze settle on him, as I am sure he won’t return my stare as he is too preoccupied. There is a different glow to him as he grows somewhat panicked, internally, fluctuations in the force alluding to this. He’s unsettled and trying to distract himself, when he sure enough could have acted on the impulses that surged into his mind.

The next hallway we enter is more scarce of people, his attention landing on the burning stars of the galaxy, surely counting every last one of them. So many of them lined the dark abyss, twinkling and shining brightly on their own. It became difficult for my eyes to wander away from him as he continued to peer out the windows we passed. Similar to the balls of light beyond us, Commander Ren shined without ever really knowing it. All too quickly I felt the force surrounding us fluctuate, the anger we both felt replaced by the amount of fondness and warmth I had concocted up, simply by observing him.

He outshined them all, and he had no idea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh, my apologies, I meant to add this chapter earlier into this week but my online summer class has started to take up a good amount of my time. What are we thinking about this chapter? The next one is a bit more fun! Also, enabling dark-mode on here has been one of the best decisions I've ever made, it makes reading sooo much easier. (Btw, anyone here from Tik Tok? My FYP is entirely Kylo Ren videos, or fan fic recommendations. I'm not against it one bit.)  
> Once again, thank you for reading, you guys are so awesome to interact with. xx


	18. Chapter 18

A few days following Captain Phasma’s death, my newly appointed title was sticking for some, and for others it had proved to be more difficult. It was an odd feeling, having been referred to as ‘Major’ for a number of years, to only now find a way to become used to ‘Commandant’. It sounded too close to ‘Commander’, something I’m sure was a challenge for even him to get used to. I had sat in on my second meeting as a Commandant today, while he sat directly across the table from me. I had been to meetings and debriefings in the past, but everything was different now. I had to be more vocal of my opinions, as I wasn’t just training the stormtrooper divisions, I was leading them into action and fighting by their side  _ much  _ more often. 

The Commander was to shadow me on most of the upcoming missions I was issued to lead, which made me feel a bit more at ease, knowing I still wasn’t fully immersed with my skills in the force. If I had him around, I knew I would have someone to turn to if needed. Despite my worry, I did want to prove myself to The Order, after fighting my way through a rough patch all those weeks ago. The majority of my problems stemmed from Kaz, when I had thought them to be from Commander Ren. Now that she was no longer an issue in my life, maybe things could become a bit easier for me while I transition into this new period of my life.

I wanted to show the Order what I could truly do, pushing my limits, breaking through new walls that had never been ventured. These matters seemed possible to accomplish with Commander Ren at my side, also healing my slight limp along with all my other injuries he had given me when we had sparred in front of my students a month or so ago.

Today we had once again gone over the list of planets that needed to be observed for the potential assailants. I was to go to Tatooine with the DX division scouting around to see if there was any trace of the two force users, accompanied by the Commander of course.

The anger and pent up hate he had for the two was alarmingly strong, waves of resentment still blaring off of him and transferred to me. He wasn’t the same since he had found out who killed our late Captain Phasma, almost like the progress we had made had been backtracked a few weeks. It was apparent even when he wasn’t around, giving that I was becoming stronger in the force to reach out and feel the connection between us, or simply that the signals of hate he gave off were strong enough to reach me even in his absence.

I practiced mindfulness to block out the Commander’s feelings, weighing down on me quite a bit; I had listened to General Hux drone on about protocol and exactly how long a mission needed to last, too long and we would be putting ourselves at risk, especially with only one trooper division. A good amount of the meeting I spent looking at my folded hands on the table before me, or letting my eyes stare at the space between the General’s eyes as I zoned out. There wasn’t a whole lot he mentioned that I didn’t already know, it was mostly to fill in the First Order Counsel members. A few times the Commander would notice and probe into my mind, similar to a playful shove, snapping me back to reality.

‘ _ Bad student.’  _ he would jab, surely grinning behind his mask, to which I would reply, ‘ _ I’ve only learned from the best.’ _

The General had concluded the meeting before I was ready to find the nearest space shoot and send myself into space, already growing tired of my new title if it meant I had to be in the company of the General  _ this  _ often. I had assumed to leave with the Commander to talk about what was to come of that day’s training session, but the General had asked him to stay after to chat. I could feel his disdain, forcefully pleasing the General as he agreed. I had shot him a grin as I left the room, the blast doors shutting behind me and leaving the two of them be.

Since then I had been training a class of young students, between the ages of five and six, with around ten of them. It was standard First Order training to treat younger students with every intention that they could grow up and favor the enemy, so it was important to not give them any kind of slack you wouldn’t give a fully grown stormtrooper. I didn’t agree with this, and I definitely didn’t plant my foot down purposely. I showed the students love, as many of them grew up without it, similar to how the young child from Ithor will grow to become. I am supposed to show little emotion, and remain strict around the students, but I believed love and encouragement could go a long way. They were  _ children  _ after all.

All ten students were working on proper fighting technique, a bit too young to introduce fighting staffs, or especially blasters. They were a cute group in their fighting attire, some wearing mismatched shoes or not the standard type of belt that was typically required. As they were children, I would remind them, but still let it slide. Gods forbid I was going to be the one to mistreat them at such a young age and create future traders of the Order.

“Doma.” I call to one of the young girls, motioning her closer to me. She runs over with a smile on her face, her tight brown curls bouncing as she is tripping over her boots. I kneel to the ground and fasten her shoes on tighter, saving a potential fall and crying session. She grabs a strand of my hair and plays with it as she speaks. “Comm… Comman- Comm…” She begins, even the youngest ones on the Death Star not only finding difficulty to remember my new title, but to also pronounce it correctly.

“Commandant.” I say sweetly, rising a bit and unfastening her fighting clothes so they weren’t as loose. “Comm… Command…“ I laugh as she struggles, cutting in as I tie her belt snug around her belly. “Miss Margot is fine, Doma.” I tell her, knowing Arkin would be somewhat difficult as well. 

“Are we almost finished, Miss Margot?” She asks, yawning, her eyes pressing shut as her mouth opens wide. I smoothen out her clothing as I put my hands on my hips and straighten my back, she mimics me and straightens her back as well. “Almost sweetheart. Did you not sleep well last night?” She shakes her head no, our eyes level with each other. “Kenth and Sion were talking too loud.” She complains, rubbing her eyes as her back slumps a bit. I grow remorseful, knowing that if she had never been taken from her home planet in the first place, she would probably sleep soundly throughout the night, waking up to see her parents each morning.

I lose my sullen attitude, tickling her sides as her giggles fills my ears. “You make sure to tell Kenth and Sion that if they are up talking past their bedtime again, Commandant Arkin will pay them a visit.” I tell her as she tucks her arms into her sides and laughs, giving me an overly joyous nod. I send her back to the group of children, rising to my feet and calling attention.

“First battle stance, please.” I call out, watching them disperse and place their dominant foot ahead of them, the opposite foot sliding behind while both fists are raised out before their faces. “Remember not to tuck your thumbs into your fists,  _ Tonis. _ ” I add on, singling out one of the small male students, watching him maneuver his thumb from his fist and return to his cute battle stance.

Before I am able to correct anyone else, the door across the room slides open, and the Commander makes his way in, to my surprise as much as the student’s. All of the young children’s jaws drop, hands dropping from their battle stance and at their sides. I giggle, sliding down to take a knee, bowing my head and waiting for the children to do so. He approaches and they still stand in awe, I call out to them. “What have I taught you to do in the presence of a higher official?” All students immediately fumble to one knee, some correctly choosing their right, others mistakenly choosing their left. Some children even kneel on both knees, closing their eyes shut tight. None of them had ever met him in person before, apparently.

“At ease.” The Commander declares as his vocoder rumbles, making his way over to me. I understood their shock, as I had once been in their shoes. His mask was not the friendliest sight to see, nor did his vocoder calm the nerves of the class. 

I stand to my feet and the students only do so once they see I have, surely stunned by how big of a man was in their presence, most likely never having met someone of his size, with his magnitude of power. I only wondered of the stories they might have heard, or the tales their parents told of him before they were taken. A dead silence falls over the room, the student’s eyes glued to him. “Can you greet your Commander?” I ask of them, a resounding “Hello Commander Ren.” coming from them at all different kinds of paces and pitches.

I hear him chuckle to himself as I do the same, watching him unsecure his helmet from around his head. Once the helmet is removed he gives the children a faint grin, waving in their direction. I am surprised he lets them see behind the mask, not many getting to say they have. “What have we learned today?” He asks, his voice booming throughout the room, bouncing off the walls with just as much intimidation. I straightened my posture, the sight of his face always taking me back a bit, I still wasn’t used to it, but I was more than content to see him. 

The students are still stuck in astonishment of him, possibly fear, their eyes wide and hardly ever maneuvering away. “We learned basic fighting stances and attacks, didn’t we?” I say reassuringly, motioning my head to them. They silently nod their tiny heads, some much faster than others. 

I bite my lip to hide my smile forming, never having seen them so attentive and well mannered as the sight of Commander Ren shocked them to their core. “How about you practice your fighting attacks on each other for the last ten minutes of our session.” I suggest, earning nods from them as they disperse and turn towards each other. Some still hold the Commander’s gaze, missing the sight of a jab coming from a different student, or walking into another on accident. I physically turn my head away to laugh, sucking my lips in to quiet myself.

“I don’t laugh at you while you train.” He mentions as his head shakes, ragging on me and clicking his tongue against his teeth as if he were judging my actions. He shuffles in close by my side. I nod, feeling somewhat bad for how nervous they all felt. It was easy to tap into their feelings and see how they viewed him, as their guard was almost always down. “I suppose you’re right.” I admit in agreement. He pauses and watches the students practicing before us, some heads still turned and fixed on the Commander, snapping away when his eyes meet theirs. “You’ve done a good job with them, I can see you don’t use traditional methods of teaching younger students. You care for them.”

“They all have been through a lot, I only feel that a bit of emboldenment and tenderness could do them some good. Everyone deserves it.”

His gloved hand finds its way to my shoulder, covering it completely while he rests there for a moment before speaking, both of us peering out at the class. “I agree.” He lets his hand slide from my shoulder and down my arm a bit before letting go, approaching one of the students. I watch as the students freeze once noticing how close the Commander has made himself, but he simply crouches down to the student’s eye level. I hear him mention proper form to the student, taking his tiny hands within his own and raising them up a bit higher, repositioning the students feet as well for a more balanced attack. 

As they take notice of his kindness, the students listen in and gather around him as he gives advice, talking a lot with his hands, making big gestures and softening his voice to become better received by the students. The energy between us picks up and takes off, soaring around the room and driving back into me. The power is enough to knock me off of my feet and onto the floor if I didn’t pay careful attention to it. I watch the Commander smile as the students around him giggle and laugh, tearing my eyes away from the sight and grabbing my water as an excuse to ramp down my growing feelings.

I drink, my mind dizzied at the idea of how caring he could become. I dare to look back once more, feeling the energy between us recharge as our eyes meet, giving me a grin as some of the students have begun to hug him from his frontside and on his back, or simply climbing onto his knees in a fit of laughter. My heart seems to swell as I observe how sweetly he interacts with the students, a side of him I wish I got to see more often. He lets them play around aimlessly as we hold each other's sight from across the room, his hair rustling up as he play-fights with the students. A bright smile shines from him as some hide underneath his cape, he grabs it and reveals four students who yell and giggle once they are found, giggling a bit himself.

Commander Ren rises to his feet, the students circling around him and using their newfound battle stances he had taught them. Before I can realize it, he has motioned me quickly across the space between us while using the force, zipping quickly up to him and brushing up against his chest. His hands meeting my forearms to steady me as I looked up at him. His face read amused, happy as he stared down at me at such close proximity. 

He steps back, squaring up in front of me and motioning to the students below us, watching attentively. I roll my eyes, squaring up with him as well. He fakes a slow jab, and I slowly move out of the way to block with the side of my arm, showing the students how it’s done correctly. They mimic our movements, some even pretending to move others closer to them with the force like the Commander had done to me. 

It is a merry and light moment in the training room, every inch of my skin tingling as my insides fluttered; a lot of laughter and play fighting with one another. I wish I could feel what circulates between the two of us forever, everything in the galaxy feeling right for a few minutes. Ten minutes were up before I knew it, and I ended the training session, telling the students to drink enough water before gathering their things.

The Commander steps closer to my side as I drink my water, leaning in close and out of earshot of the children. “I have business with the General to attend to once again, but I shouldn’t be more than ten minutes late to our training session.” He says this as if he’s eager to train with me, and reluctant to spend any more time with General Hux. We were keeping these training sessions quiet, but his hushed tone while the children aimlessly played around made me think there was more to this. 

I nod as I finish my water, replying with, “No problem at all, I’ll see you then.” I watch him return the nod, replying softly and sweetly, sounding as if he were looking forward to it. “See you then.”

He turns and grabs his helmet, calling out to the students before latching it on. “Goodbye, students.” To which the students bid him a farewell, sounding much more enthused compared to when they had first met him. Now I’m sure they would remember this day as they grow older, reflecting back to how kind and strong our Commander is, helping me teach them as he truly cared for them. He looked to me one last time, the curl of his lip forming into his famous soft smile as his eyes dimmed while holding mine. He secures his helmet back on and exits the room, his cape flowing behind him seamlessly. 

I let out an exasperated sigh, the absence of the Commander always taking such a load off of my chest as the energy ramps down. The students grab their things and I follow them out of the training room, sending them back to one of the assigned rooms for younger children. 

I greet the zone officer of the children’s area, who guides the children and helps them return their fighting bags to their stations. I feel a slight disturbance in the force as I motion the children inside, stumbling back against the wall a bit as the feeling overcomes me. It doesn’t feel right, alike in the way it hadn’t the day Phasma was injured, dying shortly after. This was different, but similar in some sense. I think about calling out to the Commander, but I assume he had also felt the alteration. Once I knew the children were all settled and the officer would be looking after them, I let the feeling take over, guiding me down the hall to wherever I felt was right.

My boots click on the floor as I follow the feeling, my heart pounding faster and faster in my chest, feeling uneasy and nauseated as I continue on. Despite my fears, I  _ want  _ to know what is going on. I want to redeem myself from not being able to gather enough information from the Captain’s memories. Even though the Commander believed I had gathered enough, I still felt an absence in my abilities. I knew I could do more, I could be better.

I continued down the halls, taking several different flights of stairs, backtracking and going a different route once I had felt the feeling dissipate. It only grew stronger when I was on the correct route, having entered a few different turbo lifts and stopping on the correct level once it had felt right to do so. I feel fatigued, as if I had already trained with the Commander for the day. The somber energy loomed around me, but it never entered within me like Commander Ren’s energy can, or even what lies between us. 

As I am on yet another lift, I feel the need to get off on a certain level, the force around me urgently guiding me to do so. The doors slide open to reveal the docking bay, groups of people loading onto different cargo pods, small rooms with glass windows to take them to various different planets with ease.

My hunch had stemmed from this room, as I stepped out of the lift, the feeling was now at an all time high, weighing down on me with all its might. I feel crushed as I search around, expecting to see an obvious sign of imminent danger, something standing out with flashing red lights to warn me of its ill intentions. I find no such thing as groups of workers and others load onto the cargo pods, slowly descending out of the bay and into the expansive space. Once the coordinates were fully entered and loaded up, the pods would shoot out from the middle of the entryway, disappearing and leaving a small glimmer of light as they travel through space toward their destination.

My body looms through the groups of people, feeling the sinister cloud above me weighing me down more and more as I approach the problem. I pick up on each person’s energy, carefully reading into their thoughts as I pass them. Nothing seems wrong, nobody seems to be plotting against the First Order. So what was the disturbance in the force?

As I move to the right I exit the large groups of people entering these cargo pods, standing out on my own in the docking bay. I think to call out to Commander Ren again, but I know he is busy enough with whatever the General had concerned him with. If there was a true danger present, Ren would know. As I scan the cargo pods loading people on, only one thing feels awry. I move in closer to one pod in particular as people enter through the sliding doors. As I approach the force is pulsating all around me, pressing my brain into the furthest corner of my head with such force. People sit on the small seats lined around the windows of the pod, ready for take off. I stand in the doorway and take some time to look around, peering into the minds of those seated.

-

**_Takodana is what dreams are made of, I hope that’s true when I see it for myself!_ **

_ - _

**_I wonder if she would even have touched me if we weren’t bringing her mother along._ **

_ - _

**_Could this pod be any more cramped than it already is?_ **

-

I find nothing of use to me, growing impatient. I look out the window, a straight drop into the dark, star spackled abyss. “Excuse me, Commandant.” I hear from behind, a man and his wife with a child in her arms. I scoot inside, clearing the way for them. I peer into the mind of the man, then the woman, and with no avail do I find anything worthy. The Force had led me on a trail of breadcrumbs with no kind of clues at the finish line.

“Is something the matter, young Commandant?” An elderly man asks me, puzzled as he is hunched over in his seat, his hand jittering and shaking the cane he held onto. I shake my head. “No, nothing wrong here, sir. Good day.” I give him a soft nod and go to exit the pod, thinking there is a great, and understandable possibility I had mistaken whatever the force was alerting me to. I was in a constant state of learning, and I had seemed to have made a mistake. 

A woman on the outside of the pod steps aside to let me out first, to which I oblige when the blast doors seal shut before me. I stumble back, befuddled. The woman outside knocks on the glass, and I shrug, looking aside the door at the screen that was once lit and showing our destination, now completely dark as the hum of the pod revs down to a silence that fills the air.

I hear the rest of the pods lined up in a row powering down, the passengers exiting through the doors with ease as they remain open. I scowl, smacking the screen, waiting for it to light up once more. It does nothing of the sort, those around me taking notice as well. “Did you do something to it?” One of the men asks. I shake my head. “I’m afraid not.”

“Are there any buttons to press?” A woman asks, stepping closer to me.

I peer around, subduing the rising frustration that bubbles within me. “No.” I let out, cold and stern. 

“Well, did you try turning it back on?” Another man suggests from his seat, obviously annoyed. I turn on my heel and send him a glare. “Do I look like someone qualified to do such a thing?” He shrinks into his seat as I huff, extinguishing my nerves while calming a bit more to apologise to him. 

“Does anyone have a holopad, or a comm device?” I ask to the group of around twelve, all shaking their heads no. The one time I truly needed a comm device, and I didn’t believe in them. I was starting to understand why people kept them for emergencies. Once again, I feel an urge to reach out to the Commander, but I am determined to figure this out on my own. 

I turn back to the woman on the outside of the pod, making a phone gesture with my hands, hoping she gets the picture. She nods, jogging her way out of the docking bay. I lean against the wall beside the door, wondering how a good day had turned so sour, so quickly. I grew disappointed, knowing this would cut into my time with Commander Ren, after growing to look forward to our training sessions on a daily basis. 

I notice the smell of smoke, frowning and looking around those closest to me. I looked out the window, not aware of anything that had been burning. The other passengers begin to take notice.

All at once, the smell of smoke continues to fill my senses as an alarm begins to go off on the ceiling of the pod. Passengers move around to see a pillowy cloud of smoke billowing out of the air vents, scooting to the other side of the pod where I was. “Don’t panic! Stay calm!” One of the men shouts as others begin frantically chattering, or bickering with other family members. I shimmy away from how close we all had become, finding my way back to the black screen. 

I search for a reset button, anything that could give us a clue as to what was going on. I find nothing, a smooth surface surrounding the screen as it's powered down. I clear my throat, the smoke already drying out my mouth by the minute. “What can we do?” A woman asks, shielding her young child from the smoke as she covers both of their mouths with the material of her scarf. I bit the inside of my cheek, deciding if I should risk it all, opening the door with my extent of the force, if I proved to be strong enough, letting us free. Revealing myself to the First Order. Certainly being sentenced to death, just like Kaz.

Who would be the one to take my life? Commander Ren?

The woman with the child shrieks and points to the vents, flames licking through and growing at an alarming rate. The same man from before repeating his obnoxious mantra, “Don’t panic! Stay calm!” A different woman screams at him. “Stay calm and what?  _ Burn _ to death?!”

By now the flames have surpassed the vents, catching the cushioned lining of the seats, the entirety of the passengers shoving against the opposite wall in fear. I collide with the weight of the others, slamming against the wall as their bodies press into mine. I yelp and move them away to give myself some room, but it’s no use. They bang on the glass windows in hysterics, yelling for others to come and help. 

_ Commander, the docking bay, it’s- _

My message to him cuts off as my mind races, bodies pressing into me, tighter and tighter as the group becomes more distressed. As I hear their audible pleas and yells for help, I also hear their racing  _ minds _ , ever so frantic and relentless.

**_-_ **

**_Oh gods, I can’t breathe! I can’t breathe!_ **

**_-_ **

**_I should have told him I loved him, I’m going to die without ever getting to!_ **

**_-_ **

**_There’s got to be a way out!_ **

**_-_ **

**_It’s getting so hot in here, I don’t want to die this way._ **

**_-_ **

My hands cover my head, desperately trying to silence the thoughts that surge into my head. The alarm continues to ring throughout the pod, almost drowned out by the constant banging of the windows. People outside see the fire spread to the neighboring pods. Some of them run, getting help or escaping with their lives. Others stick around and call for help. Nobody approaches the pod to try and pry the door open. 

I am shoved against the wall behind me, which has become red hot to the touch. It burns the back of my neck and my backside, crying out as I press up against the crowd in front of me to stop burning myself. I close my eyes and breathe, picturing the door and opening it, as I had practiced with the Commander multiple times. No luck.

I keep my eyes shut to call out to the Commander once more, but the chaos ensuing around me is all too distracting as I try to focus and calmly reach out to him; no meditation strategies I had learned were of any use to me here.

The cargo pod jostles in it’s landing holster, loud clanks from outside indicating it has separated from the dock. I watch as those on the dock rise above us as the passengers around me try breaking the windows, our cargo pod slowly lowering. Paranoid yells turn into frenzied screams as we descend into the wide open space, the inside of the pod growing darker from where there aren't flames, the clouds of smoke now thick and black. The fire circles around the interior lining of the pod, expanding across the walls and surrounding us. The mass of people now moved in the center of the pod, coughing and gagging as the temperature of the room increases rapidly. I am pushed outward of the circle, backing up and away from the growing heat as best I can. 

I cough and cough, bringing the material of my sleeve to cover my mouth and nose as a way to filter the air, it does nothing for me. We slowly glide further and further away from the Death Star, seeing a good portion of it through the window. I had been here since returning from Exodeen, my life completely different then compared to now. I couldn’t picture leaving the Death Star this way.

“Commandant, what do we do?” One of the women behind me cries, coughing into her hands. The flames burn my arms, and I jump back against the others. I shake my head, at a loss of words as I am wracked with another fit of coughs. Those around me begin to drop like flies from heat exhaustion, or too much smoke clouding their lungs.

The smoke stings my eyes, hot tears clouding my vision and trickling down my cheeks. My brow lines with sweat as I separate my collar from my neck, the small space of the pod entirely too hot and too crowded. I close my eyes once more and envision the Death Star, picturing the tether between us and willing it to pull us back in.

I collapse onto the floor as my coughs grow too strong to ignore, the flames licking the heels of my boots as I pull my legs in, burrowing down and focusing my blurry sight on the Death Star again. My fist takes in a handful of the material from my pants, gritting my teeth and willing myself enough focus to move the pod back to the Death Star. The screams in my ear drown out my focus, but I keep my eyes set on the twinkling lights of my home. The pod halts in its tracks momentarily, almost backtracking before I lose concentration as my legs catch fire, scurrying away from the fire and pressing into the man next to me, unable to move any further away as I pat down the flames. 

We continue drifting off even further, the progress I had made not enough. I lick my lips, my mouth becoming so dry from the smoke in the air. I lift my head weakly to peer out the window, so much smoke blocking my vision. I exert my strength to rise to my knees, raising an arm out and channeling my energy on the Death Star once more. The pod halts, and momentarily reels backward toward the Death Star, but the sheer pull of space is too strong against my weakened state. I cry out in anger, seeing most of the people around me fall unconscious, their screams lessening.

I cough even more, pieces of ash and soot collecting in my mouth, and I spit it into the palm of my hand. I scream as the material of my sleeves catch fire, smacking both arms to kill the flames. My body circles around, my weight shifting as I fall forward onto the palms of my hands. I drive my fists into the floor, the tears from my eyes mixing in with the sweat covering my face. I feel my vision lessening as my body grows weak. It is all too difficult to keep my body upward as I try one last time to pull us back in, struggling to see through the windows as the fog before me was too thick. I feel the pod shimmy and shake as my efforts only slow down our descent by a small amount. 

To my amazement, I feel the pod halt within the vast space around us, slowly backtracking the route it had taken back to the Death Star. I feel the pull as it doesn’t come from me, but the Commander, surely. I rise to my knees once more, gagging and crying as I shout. “Wake up!” 

I shake those around me, some sitting up weakly while others fall unresponsive. We move faster and faster as we head toward the Death Star, my energy returning to me a bit as I see there is still a chance to make it out alive. I pull others closer to me, rubbing their faces and trying to wake them from their unintended slumber. The pod returns to the docking bay much faster than we had left it, the flames reaching an all time high, no space on the walls surrounding us unlit by the flame. I cannot see the bay as the thick sheet of smoke clouds everything that’s a foot in front of me, but I feel the pod lock back in its holster on the dock. 

As soon as we are locked in place, the blast doors slide open, smoke swells out as fresh air rushes in. Some around me stand and leave, others crawl or grab their loved ones that had fallen unconscious. I grab a hold of one of the men and help him crawl alongside of me as we exit the pod. I take in a breath of fresh air once making it out, gasps heard all around me as I retch whatever has accumulated in my lungs. Everyone has exited, the entirety of the docking bay filled with screams and cries of joy. There is a med team taking a few that had fallen unconscious on stretchers, another team coming to extinguish the flames. Others run towards other loved ones in an embrace.

I scale the wall beside me, running my hands upward for support as I stand, rubbing my shaky, ash covered hands over my eyes to rid myself of the dust that covered my sight. I take in a labored, uneven breath as I cough a bit more, walking slowly through the sea of people. I search the crowd for a familiar face, seeing so many reunite with family around me. I cough so hard my sight is strained a bit, making me stumble around as I grow lightheaded. I really don't recognize a single person around me as everyone runs around as if their heads had been cut off.

Coughing exerts more energy as I stumble and land on my hands and knees, lungs on fire. Despite the burning from the smoke, a familiar energy burns bright in my chest, sensing the Commander was nearby. I can’t help but sob with relief, my throat constricts and I cough with everything I have in me.

I wobble to my feet and wipe my eyes free from the tears that had stung them, trying to better my view through the crowd. I feel our energy growing stronger between us, my eyes frantically searching the crowd for him. I feel weak and woozy as I struggle to make him out from the crowd that moves similar to tall grass on a windy day.

I finally locked eyes with him, maskless, seeing he had been hastily making his way past others and through the crowd. I move toward him slowly, but as fast as I can manage to as I wheeze. He gets a considerable distance before motioning me the rest of the way with the force. My body is pulled through the crowd of people and into him, finally falling into his embrace and closing the space between us.

His hand finds its way to the back of my head, pressing me firmly against his chest as I feel his chin settle on my shoulder, his opposite arm locked around my waist. The force of our embrace sends us to the floor, landing on our knees and nearly onto our side. As I am caught up in emotions I hug him back, unsure what to make of what just happened, how I was able to escape from death once again. 

I try not to worry myself too much, molding against Commander Ren as he squeezes the  _ life  _ from me. I feel him hastily gripping the material of my clothing to pull me even closer. He finally breaks the seal between us, his hand still curving around the back of my head as his eyes dart across my face. Similar to how terrified I had read his face back when I was bleeding out in the training room, he had the same kind of expression now as it faltered before me.

I go to speak, but I watch as his face twitches with relief, pulling me back against him again. I gained a better balance on my knees, straightening my back to move upward and hugging him back as he seemed to be at a loss of words. It was surprising to see him without his helmet, while surrounded by so many people as they clambered past us, not seeming to pay any attention. 

I want to tell him I tried my best, but my best was not enough. My best had almost killed myself and the rest of the passengers on the cargo pod. We wouldn’t have escaped burning up in flames as we drifted off into space if it weren’t for Commander Ren.

“No, no, no.” He interjects my thoughts adamantly, breaking away from me for our eyes to meet again, his hands not letting go of me for a single second. “You did  _ so  _ well, you’ve become so strong. I’m…” He trails off at the end, deciding to fill the momentary silence with another strong embrace. I huff this time as he reels me in, continuing to squeeze me tight. He was clearly jumbled with his own thoughts and feelings for once, while I felt lethargic and too hazy to realize what had just happened. But still, I was thankful for what he had done, and to be in his company again.

My eyes fall heavy as I rest against him, I struggle to shuffle and peer upward at him. So many around us running around as we kneeled in the middle of the commotion, time had seemed to stop for only us.

“M-my chest.” I rasp against him, immediately released from his welcoming arms. I wonder outwardly if I have the strength to walk with him to the Med Bay, a considerable distance from the dock. His eyes widen as he watches over me, brushing the soot off of my face. His gloved hand runs across my face and down my neck, then to my chest where he expands his fingers. I watch him concentrate, keeping his focus on my chest. The lids of his eyes flutter timidly, making their way to my eyes and not looking at my chest for too long of a time. I feel him unknowingly send me his bashfulness, which feeds into me and causes my own cheeks to redden as he becomes even rosier.

I feel the sudden break in my chest, the outlining of soot covering my lungs clearing as he parts the way. I’m finally able to take a deep breath in, devoid of any wheezes or coughs. “Thank you, for everything.” I make out, catching my breath. He gives me a beaming grin once he sees this, the kind I can tell he isn’t the least bit worried about fighting off or covering up. 

He takes his hand off of my chest, happening to fall into my lap and atop of my own hand. I finally feel less woozy, whatever amount I still felt surely because of the Commander’s secure hold on me. “How do you manage to get into all of this trouble in my absence?” He wonders out loud, sounding a bit short of breath. His voice is different than his routine self, like he was freed of something. As if I am meeting someone new. There’s not a bit of authority in his voice, only welcoming and warm.

“I haven’t the faintest clue.” I answer lightheartedly as I begin to think about adding on more. His eyes still hold mine as if I’m about to fall apart, breaking into millions of tiny pieces, despite the fact he had just healed me. His hold on me is still solid on the back of my neck as my own fingers wrapped around his bicep. Our fingers fumble together in my lap, tangling up mindlessly.

“Maybe I shouldn’t leave your side anymore.”

I tell him this a bit breathlessly, stunned I even mentioned it aloud. He doesn’t falter one bit, his smile only spreading further across his lips. “Maybe so.” He agrees, filling both of us with even more wonderment. It was surreal to see him agree with me in this way, in such a situation as people still ran a muck around us. Truly, residing in our own bubble.

“Truthfully, I don’t think I could get rid of your presence if I tried.” He adds, cool and collected as if it were no big deal for him to say such a thing. I let my head turn to the side to take him in better, purposely taking it a step further and grasping his whole hand with my own, no longer blindly letting our fingers dance around. He gives my hand a gentle squeeze, his other finally letting go of my neck.

“I do think a check up is in order for you, just to be safe.” He mentions, his face losing the prior softness from musing towards one another, observing those around us. There’s a slight pang of disappointment in my chest; I can’t help but dislike the sudden shift in him, but it’s better than what he has dealt out to me before. He lets his eyes return to me as he awaits my response. I give him a nod. “With your assistance, I hope.” Already thinking of how dull the journey to the med bay would be all by my lonesome.

I watch a light smirk return to his face, filling me up with a bit more hope. “Without a doubt.” He stands along with me at his side, his hand letting go of mine to place both on either side of my torso. One of them drops as the other snakes around my waist to keep me close to his side, like a glove. We slowly make our way out of the docking bay, he gains speed but learns how much is too much for me to take, slowing down our pace when needed.

It’s a quiet journey between the two of us on our way to the med bay, a place I frequented all too often these past few months. Many notice the sight of their Commander without his mask, some staring and others stopping in their tracks. He doesn’t seem to care about what they think of him, stunning me. It seemed like he could be potentially growing out of the need to hide his face from others, maybe figuring out that it didn’t instill any more fear into the people of the Order. It only made them pity him.

I notice he pulls me in closer to him as we enter bigger crowds, or when I start to see how many eyes are glued to me as well as him. I keep an arm around his backside for support, we silently work on drowning out the thoughts of those around me when they become too much or too frequent. We have an unspoken agreement; I try my best, and if he can see me struggling he steps in to lend a hand. Or moreso, an invisible one.

As we enter the med bay, the staff behind the counter shuffle in a panic, finding the closest available room and ushering the two of us inside. I see other passengers from the cargo pod waiting on standby, others sitting out in the lobby while antiseptic treats their burns.

A doctor is in the room within seconds of our arrival, allowing me to sit on one of the raised beds. The Commander stands by, his eyes not leaving me as the doctor checks my vitals, measures my heart rate and gives me a tall glass of some kind of mysterious blue liquid to drink. I am able to down it in a haste to get it over with by the time he directs me, “The top layer of clothing needs to go.”

He leaves the room and I immediately feel waves of unease flowing from Commander Ren, his eyes only now taking a sudden interest in the trimming of the ceiling, surely counting each spackled dot along the surface. I suppress a laugh, carefully bringing my legs up as they sting in protest, slowly removing my boots. They plop to the floor and I eye the Commander once more, still looking away from me. I pull out my elastic tie, my hair flowing down my shoulders and back. I rub my scalp as I am wafted with the scent of smoke that has doused my hair.

The unease he projects has turned into an utter panic, I’m astonished he isn’t able to keep his feelings under wraps. What I wouldn’t give to peer into his mind without his acknowledgement, to see what his exact thoughts were. Although, I would be lying if the sight of him growing more and more uncomfortable wasn’t giving me a bit of joy, the rolls finally reversed.

I delicately pulled the long black sleeve by my wrist, wincing as I felt whatever charred skin still singed to the material of my shirt as it ripped away slowly. I audibly gasp, the burns that had started to scab over reopening back up. I suck my lips inward as my brow flattens, nowhere near the worst pain I had ever felt, but nothing about this was enjoyable. Maker, it  _ stung. _

I pull an arm through one sleeve, moving even more painstakingly slow as I release my second arm. Now I sit in a standard First Order sports bra, one that didn’t show much cleavage, but  _ did  _ accentuate the shape and form of my breasts in general. I reach down to unlink my belt buckle, the metal clinks and I am immediately pummeled by stronger pulses of mortification radiating from the Commander, sent across the room and the space he had put between us. 

I looked down at my legs to see all of the wear and tear from the fire, many singes and burns had made numerous holes in my pants. I slide my belt out from his loops mercilessly slow, keeping an eye on the Commander as he is visibly shy towards this whole ordeal, but not available to speak up and voice it. I unbutton my pants, beginning to pull them down as I hiss, halting my movements. I see that the skin of my legs had melted against the material of my pants, even more so than my arms had. He finally chooses to look over at me as I had been eyeing him for a while.

“How long are we supposed to wait for-” He begins, cutting himself off with his newfound anger, his eyes breaking away after only being on me for a short moment. He acts like he’s ready to leave to grab a staff member to help me remove my clothing, but I can’t in good conscious let him go, when I could subject him to a little more torture. “Please, there’s no need.” I begin, my head trailing off to the side. He steps back and sighs, his eyes forcefully making their way to my own.

“Could you help me?” I ask him, coated with a bit too much sweetener. He shuffles, his jaw weakening as his lips part as if to find the right words to say. He doesn’t make any kind of verbal agreement, only making his way to me in laborious strides. It was as if a Loth-Cat had stolen away his tongue, rendering him speechless. I slide off the bed in front of him, possibly an inch or two between us. He reaches a hand out, as if to heal me from the scars that had formed. I take his hand and move it back, shaking my head. “I don’t want to rely on the force for every injury I sustain.” I tell him simply, I can see he doesn’t understand this, but he respects my wishes.

Carefully, I pull my pants down a bit more, pressing my lips in a flat line as I strain not to make too much of a fuss in front of him.

I feel his eyes centered on me as I’m not focused on him, huffing as I take a moment to myself to pause. My head quickly snaps up, his darting from my legs and to my eyes, like he had been caught doing something wrong. I laugh out loud at the situation, also feeling a bit awful for putting him here in the first place, his obvious nerves rippling like waves as they travel into me. I feel his panic and I am able to read into it a bit, but I successfully ward it off before it is able to affect me the way it has affected him so strongly.

Meticulously I pull my pants down past my hips, groaning as my skin is tugged on and separated. I wore a short pair of shorts, a thin material that could definitely be mistaken for underwear. Now I  _ myself  _ grew a tad shy. “This is insufferable.” I drone, pausing once more and leaning back against the side of the medical bed. The Commander overcome with nervous nods, his body so obviously hyper aware of the slim space between us. “I feel it too.”

I press my lips together and give him a sympathetic look, sorry I had to constantly send all my emotional  _ and  _ physical feelings to him. I take in a shaky breath before speaking, gathering the courage to. Alluding to my newfound guilt of finding his uncomfortability humorous, I really wasn’t the kind of woman to enjoy something like this. “I’m sorry you feel the way you do, ever since the doctor left.”

His expression changes, ultimately surprised, if I had to take a guess. I would have assumed he was aware I would feel whatever emotions he felt, as long as they were strong enough for me to. He most certainly could have been taken back that I brought it up in the first place. There’s a silence as I raise myself up to sit on the bed, scowling. I grab the waistband of my pants and slide it down over my thighs, watching pieces of skin tugging until they break off. “Kriff.” I pant, lifting the material to see how many more charred areas of flesh I had left.

“Let me.” He says under his breath, roughly, finally deciding to speak as he removes his gloves and steps in closer between my legs. I blink a few times as he holds my gaze for another moment, before grabbing my leg with both hands. His fingertips skim my thigh and leave goosebumps in its place as he carefully latches on to my pants, maneuvering them down my right leg. I curse under my breath, his eyes flashing up to my own momentarily before focusing back on my skin as it peels away from the material. Unnerved, I grab his hand to stop him, having enough. He understands, one of his hands letting go the pants to settle on my upper thigh.

A strong chill washes over my body, but I see him close his eyes and focus down on me. Within seconds, the open mounds of charred flesh have sized down and healed completely. He runs a methodic hand over a spot on my outer thigh where I had been burned, only momentarily before returning back to my pants.

“Ready for another go?”

I nod, the pain significantly less worse after he had healed me a bit, but still bracing myself once more. He moves my pants, gently placing his fingers atop my skin around the wounds from being tugged on too much. After a few minutes he pauses, as if he were asking if I needed a break. I shake my head, continuing him on. He does just so, finally removing my left leg from the pant leg. I groan and run my fingers over seared, discolored flesh. Without saying anything, he took my right leg within his arms and extended it, placing my foot on his upper chest, underneath his chin.

A swell of bashfulness ripples within me, but it isn’t sent from the Commander, as it stems from me alone. He catches on, our eyes meeting as I release a shattered breath. His fingers cautiously move down and grab the fabric of my pants once more, sliding them as I shimmy my hips to help him out. I hold my breath at times where I feel I could yelp at how uncomfortable the burns feel. Both of my hands plant on the bed on either side of me, leaning back a bit to give us both more room.

“I can sense when you’re not breathing, I think it’s best you don’t hold it in.” I give him a clipped nod, letting my mind sit on the idea of how in tune he was with my mind and body. It was like he was an attachment of myself.

He pauses for me to catch my breath, finding it a chore to meet his eyes as I have grown meek towards how well he had acclimated to the situation, having felt not a single wave of faint-heartedness from him in a while. Now I was having a taste of my own medicine.

“Let’s try this bit in one go.” I gulped, my chest rising and falling a bit faster than before. From the pain, or from the Commander, I don’t truly know. He nods and gives me a moment before beginning, his fingers once again brushing up against my inner knee. I take in a fist full of the blanket on the bed, squeezing as I grit my teeth with immense pressure, Commander Ren’s eyes oscillating between me and paying attention to what he was doing.

I let my head fall back as I press my eyes shut, the leg of my pants separating from the dried blood and tacky skin that had been molded against it. I sigh a breath of relief as my leg is freed, the Commander dropping my pants to the floor. I looked down at the damage, some wounds beading up with blood while others were too charred to bleed. 

I go to mention a thanks to him, but he has stepped closer in between my bare legs, placing both hands on my outer thighs. He leans in as his eyes close, a warmth pulsing from his hands and into me. I’m unable to watch as I feel the wounds on my legs, as well as my arms are hardened and then heal over completely. Commander Ren’s face is far too distracting and easy to stare at, his facial muscles twitching while he focuses down, his bottom lip jerks the smallest bit as his eyelids flutter open to meet mine.

“Thank you, Commander.” I am able to mutter out mindlessly, he moves back but keeps his hands placed on my thighs. He nods, peering down to observe his work. His fingers bloom outward, kneading into my skin and down the outsides of my thighs, moving inward more and more as his hands settle just above my knees. I open my mouth to speak, my eyes blinking rapidly as I find my throat has dried up, even after he had cleared the soot in my chest earlier. I couldn’t possibly find the courage to speak while he had his hands on me.

_ Could I ever become strong enough to heal others? _

I send this to him with every intent of him taking this as a normal conversation, but to my dismay he does not. The corners of his mouth hint at a small smile forming, but he keeps a serious face all while watching me sit within my own flustered state.

“Loth-Cat got your tongue, Commandant?” He asks provocatively, in the most dangerous sense. I feel a shudder sent through my body, licking my lips hastily to better help me speak. I fumble on my words some more, my eyes bouncing off of the features of his face. In a time where I’d believe he’d send me a vicious smile, knowing exactly what he was doing to me, he doesn’t. His face remains unreadable, his voice surely alluding to how this payback was satisfying him.

He lets out a deep, menacingly slow, “Hmm.” As his body lowers to the ground for him to kneel before me, his hands slide from my knees and down my shins, to the backside of my calves. His fingers curl around my ankles. His touch sent me back to the early morning I had lied awake in my bed, his invisible hands caressing my body as I willed them to continue, in such a similar fashion. Now, he crouches level with my knees, which are parted for him to stare perfectly at the lower region of my body. My mind falls into a frenzy, alarms sounding off as I had never experienced such forwardness coming from Commander Ren, especially not expecting it after how nervous he had grown not long ago.

“Of course you can, with the grace of my training. If you permit it.” His voice rasps much deeper than usual, most definitely sounding more alluring to me than ever. His face is dangerously close to me, as I can feel his hot breath clouding against my knee. “Y-yes, of course.” I fumble my message to him, his eyebrow raising as his interest in this situation peaks even more. Just as I find myself growing faint of heart, the Commander rises slowly, his lips nearly brushing against my knee. He raises my boots in hand to place them on the bed next to me. I press my lips shut and sigh as quietly as I could, as the doctor finally returns.

He has readied himself with antiseptic, but stops short once seeing all of my wounds had been healed. Either that, or how close Commander Ren and I had become in his absence. “I think we’re done here, if you could retrieve some clean clothes.” He directs to the doctor, who is still stunned by the doorway. He nods and leaves as quickly as he had entered, leaving the two of us alone again, his gaze returning back to me.

“You hesitated once more.” He brings up softly. I know what he means by this, referring to when I didn’t reach out to him soon enough on the cargo pod. Or even when I felt the change within the force. My mind ramps down from the extraordinary amounts of lust and panic I feel for him, leaning back a little on the bed to try and play it cool, supporting my weight on my open palms. I nod, somberly. Not proud of this. “How come?”

I gingerly let my eyes wander away from his, finding my own interest in the spackled lining of the ceiling. “I was afraid of disturbing you, I wanted to accomplish it on my own.”

He releases a sigh, his palms leaning into the medical bed and resting on either side of my legs as he leans in closer, dipping his head down for me to have a hard time looking elsewhere. 

“I don’t want you to ever fear my response. If you need me, I will always answer.”

A feel the pulse of a new sensation striking into me, unalike the other emotions or feelings he has sent over to me. So many new emotions to always keep up with, and this one was truly different than the rest. This time it feels as if he doesn’t want me to feel it, like he’s suppressing it. It’s deeper than what I usually pick up from him, hidden away much better. My brow wrinkles as I come to terms with it.

“I’m not afraid of your presence.” I tell him as I crane my head up to better meet our eyes, quelling the strong emotion residing from him. The feeling in him was difficult for him to stamp down, I could see. One of the biggest extents of his worries was that I feared him. He is surprised I am able to pick up on it, his lips twitching ever so slightly as I go to add on. “I like having you around.” 

I heard his verbal astonishment, like it was hard for him to grasp that I  _ wanted  _ to be near him, but not too astonished to find the words to respond. “I’ll stick around if you allow me to.”

I shake my head and waste no more time, wishing he would have understood this much sooner than now. “Of course I allow it.”

We stay in this moment for a bit, small content smiles budding from both of us. Our eyes leave the gaze as we look around us momentarily. There’s still something I had been too nervous to ask him for weeks, only feeling that now was a good time. “Why didn’t the Supreme Leader sense I am familiar in the force? He saw that Kaz was, why not me?”

My eyes revert back to his to see how unsure of the question he is himself. “It’s a mystery, as far as I know. What you have is different. How it interacts with me is different. You are quite literally a vault full of endless surprises.” I let out a smirk, not the answer I was expecting, but not unsatisfied with it. The doctor enters and places a set of clothes on the table closest to the door, exiting without a word. The Commander and I chuckle amongst each other at his eagerness to leave.

“When we first met, I was skeptical what surrounded you was the force, you had no idea what it was as far as your mind gave away. That’s why I was quick to assume you were the spy.” I nod, reflecting back to Kaz, the only true spy I knew. How disappointing this still felt. He continues on. “I suppose the Supreme Leader didn’t pick up on it because what you have is incomparable to anything else.” This time I feel my cheeks burn bright red as I take in all that he is saying, feeling a great amount of relief compared to how I once believed he viewed me.

The fog coming from his mind parts, I feel a similar idea brimming like before. I can see he is about to ask right as I am on the cusp of figuring it out on my own.

“That Myrena girl, in the throne room. She mentioned she knew what you wanted, at the end of the day. That nobody here could give it to you.”

My heart rattles in my chest as I comes to terms with what he had asked me. This is what he has wondered? Kept in his mind for this long, only to ask now? I chose to ask him something, and this is what he chooses to ask me in return. It was hard to see that I had been on his mind for that long, something he carried with him during a time I would rather forget.

“She knew I wanted a family. To walk away from the Order someday to start a new life, once the galaxy is at peace.” This time his face is unreadable, his eyes still as what I said sits with him. “I am unsure of saying  _ nobody  _ here can give me that, but— I don’t  _ need _ anything more given to me to begin with. She was foolish to assume she was the only one fit enough for me.”

Now, the Commander’s face reads a little more hopeful, pleased with his answer. I begin to think maybe I am the foolish one, assuming there is more to this life than the Order. I am willing to die for it, but I do hope I can walk away from it someday. To continue on through other people, raising them in a better galaxy. Now with this title, there’s a high chance that my wants and dreams were even further away from my grasp, harder to achieve.

“You aren’t foolish for thinking that.” He parts in, clearing through my running thoughts. “I think we can all step away from this one day, victorious. The new order I plan to bring to the galaxy will be carried out whether the Supreme Leader is in agreement with me or not.”

I courageously let my left hand slide over and on top of his own, feeling how warm to the touch he was. The stark difference between the cold room and the warmth he radiated chilled me, pricking my skin with goosebumps, he notices and slips his hand to envelope mine entirely. “I hope we both find what we’re looking for someday.” I murmur quietly, purposely parting my legs more, brushing my leg against his other arm opposite of the hand that held my own. He takes notice, eyes dipping down to my legs. Steadily, he placed his hand on my knee, his fingers curling around the backside and warming me even more. 

A twinge of adrenaline in my chest makes me feel as if I was back on the battlefield, the energy between us growing and circling as it  _ begs  _ for something more. So many thoughts and ideas coursing between us. His Adam’s apple bobs as he swallows, my body rendering less and less in control the longer we remain as close as we are to one another. “We will.” He stifles quietly with a subtle nod, his fingers digging deep into the back of my knee, hitting some kind of nerve that jolts my body with an ungodly amount of lust. I suppress the urge to moan, such an eagerness whipping up inside my mind so quickly. The desire that escapes from him feeds into me while we stare at each other, waiting for someone to make the move to end it all.

All too quickly we move back, releasing our grasp on one another as we sense him. General Hux enters the doors before he is able to see anything, the Commander raising a swift hand in the direction of the door as he begins to greet us.

“No.”

The door slides shut, hearing the General’s audible detest for the Commander’s actions. I cover my mouth and laugh, his face peering back at me, surprised he had made me laugh. He returns a breathtaking smile. “A debriefing is in order! After today’s events!” He calls out through the door, continuously knocking. We sigh in unison as I wonder where this would have traveled if it weren’t for Hux. “A faulty gas leak it seems, to which had started the fire. Can you believe our luck as of lately?!” He exclaims.

I can feel the Commander’s disdain for the situation, his eyes peering down at my hands in my lap. For a moment we were able to forget titles and duties that belonged to both of us, slowing things down and revelling in the feeling of the moment.

“I would like to make sure our Commandant is alright, as well!” He mentions from outside. The Commander’s jaw muscles tighten as his eyes fixate angrily on the door, then pondering back downward, catching onto the calm energy I chose to send over to him, reminding him of the importances at hand.

“We should get going.” I mention, to which he nods in agreement. I slide off the counter carefully as Commander Ren places a hand on my shoulder to help. I take it easy as I dress, feeling the extent of today and how it had taken a toll on my body. We exit after I had slipped into my boots, finding General Hux waiting impatiently to walk us to the meeting room.

My mind is plagued with Commander Ren although we stride next to each other down the hallways behind Hux. I can’t help but wonder if what he had told me outside of the ballroom all those weeks ago were true. He mocked the idea of us being connected, in more ways than the general sense. He found it foolish I romanticized what was between us even the smallest bit. I wondered if I was right, if there was more than just the force between us. If whatever  _ that  _ was in the med room was  _ something  _ worth mentioning.

I also wonder if any of this is worth it. The training. The little jabs we take at each other, but never addressing what has pooled up between us, constantly adding to it and making it deeper. It felt like the longer we went without addressing it, the stronger it became, as well as harder to denounce. What we were doing was dangerous, it was treachery. Keeping something this big from the Supreme Leader. In the eyes of the Order, I could be a weapon of the Resistance. 

Why entertain such an idea that was so far from my grasp, so unattainable? If I addressed it, what more could come from the two of us? Nothing we could ever create would be realistic, having too high or ranks to live our lives as civilians. It didn’t seem like there was any time for feelings, or dare I say  _ love  _ at some point. Political views were of too much importance, it felt like everything else would just deter from our ultimate goal. 

  
I shove  _ all  _ of this down and keep it to myself, remembering everything that lied ahead of us that needed my attention.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! How did you like this chapter? Any thoughts on what could happen next? Do we like soft Kylo, or are we more into asshole Kylo? I really like a mix of both, but if it came down to it I'd have to pick fluffy Kylo any day. I hope you guys enjoyed this one, it's getting really exciting for me to write this, I hope it's just as exciting for you to read.  
> Stay healthy and stay safe out there everyone, thank you so much for the reads. xx


	19. Chapter 19

I awake from the short-lived evening nap I had taken, the alarm on my holopad alerting me it was time to get ready for what lay ahead on our mission. I stretch, relaxing back into the cushions below as my eyes scale the ceiling, the holopad casting a dim glow. I sit up and rub my eyes, flicking the pad off while adjusting to the darkness of the room, ashamed of how much time I got to spend in space. I reach my hand out and wiggle my fingers, slowly turning the dial of the light switch on. I finally rise from my bed and undress, sloppily leaving my clothing behind me on the floor.

I enter the bathroom, turning on the light and the shower simultaneously with the flick of my hand, becoming well versed in the smaller elements the force had to offer me. I stand naked before the mirror, maneuvering my body around while inspecting the backs of my arms and the backs of my legs, free of any burns that had accumulated from the fire yesterday, thanks to Commander Ren.

I shiver at the idea of becoming strong enough within the force to  _ heal _ someone like he had for me, wondering how much exertion it would take, how long of a buffer it would put on me to recover from. Commander Ren was, obviously, much stronger, therefore it didn’t take as much out of him to do so. I wondered if I could ever will myself to accomplish this, in the moment, if it ever came down to it.

I turn and head to the shower, stepping into the hot water and shutting the door behind me. I grab a cloth and soap, roaming around my body and working it up into a lather. I remember the time crunch I have, needing to be in the main conference room in just about an hour. I absentmindedly rub my body down with the soapy cloth, letting my mind wander to the possibilities the day could bring. Today was Tatooine, simply because the small scout group had found what it seemed to be a small rebel base, possibly pointing us in the direction of the Resistance’s main hideout. 

In a few days time smaller divisions would visit Arkanis, then Christophsis, neither planets I had ever been to. It was important for the Commander, one of the generals, or myself to be in attendance of the excursion to said planets, calling for a busy time until the two assailants were found.

My thoughts roamed toward yesterday, when Commander Ren had saved myself and the rest of the people within the cargo pod on the docking bay, quite possibly the most heroic act of selflessness I had ever witnessed. In a time I thought I was to surely die, he came through and saved the day. There was a lot of talk concerning him, always painting him in a negative light. The better I had grown to know him, to train alongside of him as I learned the ways of the force, I couldn’t believe the man those people had met was the same man he  _ wanted _ to teach me. The man that saved my life countless times.

I didn’t care too much about what started the fire, if it was man-made or if it really happened to start from faulty wiring— I couldn’t believe I had escaped death once more, with the help of him.

Surely someday I would succumb to my fate, and the Commander wouldn’t be around to help me. All of these times I had escaped from the clutches of death, almost able to reach out and see what life on the other side is like, to be taken back to reality for my life to continue on. Deep down I worried my ultimate fate would be  _ much  _ worse than anything I had ever experienced, that there would be atonement for what I had skipped out on.

I lean against the wall, distracted as I lazily run the cloth over my chest and up my shoulder, mid-thought.

These next few weeks would surely be a lot, mentally and physically, for all of us. I only hoped we could find the assailants and bring justice for Phasma, as all of this had come as such a surprise. I wouldn’t have ever expected her to fall in the line of duty, and now we had to end the lives of those who did this to her.

I wondered how Commander Ren had recognized the woman, most likely leading to some kind of history between them. It was obvious his connection with Skywalker, but the woman had strengths similar to he and I both, like they had trained together. I cannot help but feel a sense of jealousy pool inside my chest, the thought of this powerful woman having some kind of  _ history  _ with Commander Ren, and bringing out so much anger in him.

I ignore the feelings and travel over to just him, and the idea of him alone. I had to admit, I was faltering a bit. I found myself always wanting to be near him, helping him out, training with him, learning more of what he had to offer me. I knew I had something dedicated to him, deep within me, but it was too nerve wracking to let it out, or ever speak of it. As scary as it was, there was also no use to entertain something that could surely never be.

Amongst all of these thoughts, there was a  _ strong  _ chance that this was a figment of the force, stirring matters up between the two of us for no good reason other than we were linked somehow, someway. I tried telling myself this, to make things easier, more believable. It was a chore not to get caught up in the thought of him, or what we could do if we simply gave in.

I suddenly hear a fast whirring coming from my bedroom, startling me to jump out of my skin. I leap back, my foot slipping on the suds of soap lining the floor as my other foot had been blocking the drain. I place my hands out as I fall, too soon before I can use the force I fall on my side, taking a harsh landing on the linoleum tiles below. I look up to see BB-9 zipping into the bathroom, his usual beeps becoming distressed.

“Alive?” The droid beeps, whizzing up to the fogged glass and knocking on it with his extended claw.

I carefully sit up and smack my hand on the wet tile in anger, splashing onto my face as I feel the pain stem from my thigh and up my torso, conveniently up to my ribs as well. I let my head hang as I suck in a quick, painful breath, the water beating down onto my body as I groan.

“Injured! Pain? Bacta patch?” He makes out in a flurry of beeps, his circular body zipping around in a panicked haste.

“No, I’m not blee—you kriffing d-”

“Bacta patch!” The droid yells, then humming out of the room at record speed. I hear the door to my quarters open and shut, letting him out, still hearing his chants become quieter and quieter. “Bacta patch. Bacta patch. Bacta patch.”

“Droid!” I yell, the energy it takes to raise my voice sets a strain on my injured ribs. I smack my hand continuously onto the tile as I groan, the droid certainly could have given me some kind of help if he would have calmed down and stuck around long enough to see the damage that had been done. 

I place both hands on the tile and raise my torso slightly, only feeling the pain stretch along as my body does. I hiss and lower back down onto my side, raising a shaky hand to begin to turn off the hot stream of water.

_ What has happened? _

I jump as I hear his reach to my mind, my hand fumbling with my force grip on the faucet, accidentally turning on the cold water. My body is sprayed down with the freezing shards of what felt like glass, I yelp, and then groan as I hastily try my best to shut it off completely.

_ You’re injured? _

He reaches out again, filling the silence I had created. I shiver as I exhale, chilled to the bone on the cold tiled floor of the shower. I curse to myself, having projected too much of my pain and letting him pick up on it. I grit my teeth and clear my thoughts, trying to give him a clear and calm answer back.

_ I’m only stuck, I can just try to- _

He interjects.

_ Nonsense, I’ll come to you. _

My eyes bulge out of their sockets as my body freezes solid, literally. I groan and yell as I try to sit up on my own, only earning a deeper soreness from the length down my side. My fingers tremble as I raise my good arm toward the door of the shower, opening it up and motioning a towel from the counter. My mind races too quickly in order for me to make out a legible reason to keep Commander Ren away; I am able to bring the towel to me and cover myself with it as best as I can, trying once more to make it out of the shower on my own.

To no avail am I able to do this on my own, even throughout the passing minutes I attempt to. My body trembles from the cold as I hear the door to my quarters opening again, sensing the Commander was near, and that it was definitely not my damned droid. My brain had momentarily stopped working before, unable to process what to do or say, the time crunch added on and looming over my head, causing for more of a panic.

“I’m in the shower.” I quickly call out across the room to warn him, my voice trembling slightly as my body follows in pursuit. I hug the towel closer to my body as I hear the taps of his quickened boots coming to a silent stop as he enters my bedroom. There is a long pause between us, my mind tries to wrap around how quickly all of this had happened, how quickly he had managed to get here as well. I can actually feel the waves of apprehensiveness rippling from him as the silence lingers, he was as unsure of the next move as I was.

“Would you like my help?” He asks quietly, his voice laced with how shy he was becoming. I swallow hard, tilting my head down for a moment, feeling guilty he had been picking up on my emotions and only feeding into him. I was making this worse for him.

“Only if you are comfortable with doing so.” I answer hesitantly, unsure what his answer would be. 

My teeth chatter, filling the next brief silence between us. I hear the faint pops of bubbles on my arms and shoulders as his boots begin to tap against my floor again, entering the bathroom at a slow, laborious pace. I see he is without his helmet, his cape flowing behind him as his eyes never leave the floor before him. He is very obviously feeling the energy between us connecting stronger once there were no barriers between us; the apprehensiveness had turned into a heavier, more unsettling uncomfortability. 

I settled my mind and bit my lip, trying to clear whatever shyness I had felt to make it easier on him; whatever he was feeling was much stronger than my own fears, I think he knew this too.

I see his hand twitch, his fingers curling a bit just as my body raises off the ground an inch or so. I suck in a breath and give a suppressed yelp as the pain is relentless, his hand relaxing as he sets me back down in the same spot gently. I see he grows even more bashful, his gaze trained upon the tiled floor before his boots, never wavering anywhere else. Lifting me and setting me somewhere would be too painful, it would be easier to just alleviate the pain here and now.

He hears this and speaks up.

“I don’t want to overstep any boundaries.” He says flatly, with a little bit more power than compared to when he once entered. I shake my head, fighting the urge to smile the slightest bit, even amongst all of the pain and soreness.

“You won’t, it’s alright.” I reassure him, raising my towel up a bit higher and wrapping is snug around my body. “I’d have told you to leave if I wanted you gone.”

This perks him up a bit more, his neck which was once craned downward raises, his sight on the wall beyond him. I see he is still hesitant, his head staying motionless as his eyes observed every inch of the wall, still not turning to the right to see me. I feel for him, but I also see some kind of humor to this: the Commander of the First Order, jumping at the chance to fight for his people, killing anyone who stands in his path. A number of lives taken, tucked away under his belt. A man that everyone answers to, respected by many and feared by even more. A man unable to help his injured female friend out of her shower.

“Are you ready for today?” I ask him, keeping my voice sweet and soft as I gently flex my fingers, tugging his body closer to the shower. His boots skid, I hear a surprised huff come from him, and his eyes finally turn towards mine. Once they meet, they do not part away. His gaze doesn’t even make it’s way down my soap covered body, or the towel that covered the better part of me. His eyes remain locked onto mine.

I raise my brow at him, awaiting his answer. I give him one more tug, a bit stronger this time, leading him closer to me. The outline of his jaw tightens as I see he is gritting his teeth, flexing in and out as he takes his first step towards the shower door on his own. “Yes.” He answers, a bit too stern, understandable since this was apparently a big moment for him. “You?” He forces out, his body lingering outside a bit.

I nod. “It’ll be an interesting one.” I add in, just as he chooses to quit looming directly behind the glass, passing through the door. His boot meets the soapy tile and slides a bit, before putting his weight into his step and finally stepping inside the shower. “This isn’t interesting enough for you?” He chides in, slowly lowering down to my level, kneeling on his knees and finally breaking our stare, his eyes looking around the soap that had covered me. I don’t fight the grin that makes its way onto my face, wincing and grabbing my side as I let out a laugh. “It most definitely is.”

I find him leaning in closer, still timid as he raises his hand. “Did you hit your head?” He asks, his fingers brush my temple to slide my hair off to the side, sending a jolt as I feel his nerves transferred through me. I shake my head, no. The energy between us pipes up even more, now that I had begun to add into it as well as he did. His hand slowly reaches out once more, resting gently on the space between my stomach and my hip. His fingers do not sprawl out too far, careful of not caressing any part of me he didn’t mean to.

His eyes close as his breath slows down, his focus on me and only the betterment toward me. I take this as a moment to study how concentrated he becomes, his brows wiggling and lips twinging ever so slightly. 

Within a few short moments, the soreness stemming from my side has vanished completely, his eyes opening and returning to mine. I sit up with ease, staying on my right side while leaving my right hand propped on the floor, keeping me balanced. Immediately, his eyes flash to the side of my torso as my towel dips down momentarily, his eyes retreating back to mine while I pull it back up, as if he had been caught doing so.

I take a deep breath in, feeling no pain stemming from my ribcage, as if I had never taken the fall. “Thank you, Commander. For answering, for helping.” He gives only a curt nod, his Adam's apple bobbing as he swallows. His eyes have turned so soft in this moment, only showing me now how many golden flecks scattered his irises amongst the brown, and now noticing for the first time, shades of  _ hazel _ . 

Such an intense discovery this was, always looking at him, but never truly focusing on how complex his eyes were, when he chose to let me see them, of course. Most of the time they almost seemed like a black hole, especially while angered. Now there was no hint of anger, not a touch of darkness. I felt the energy steaming off of both of us so harshly. I also took notice of one strong emotion blaring from him, but he guarded it on his end too well for me to understand. I choose to push into his mind ever so gently. 

His eyes roam my face, to the exposed, soapy flesh of my neck while I read further into the energy he alone gives off. It’s the smaller emotions that are easier to read, almost like reading his thoughts, but more brief. A thought that was at the forefront of his mind, projecting so strongly to me, he had lamented over the fact that I was cold to the touch. That was all I gathered, that he was still reminiscing upon prior contact with me, and what it had felt like. 

I watch as his jaw softens, I turn my head to the side as I see his eyes trail down my body and land on the exposed skin to my upper thigh, roaming between the length of my leg, then back to my thigh. I bite my lip as I feel the emotions from him pour into me, lighthearted and sweet. Harmless and curious, but still polite.

“Did  _ you  _ hit your head?” I ask him, letting myself give him a small smile. His head turns back to me, his brow furrowing. That loose jawline of his tightens again, the softness of his eyes becoming hollowed out, devoid of those beautiful golden specks, or the shades of hazel, as if I had imagined them. The stare he shoots through me changes the energy between us entirely, breaking away to then stand to his feet, exiting the shower without a word.

“I didn’t-” I begin, but he has already made his way through the doorway of the bathroom, his cape trailing behind him. In no time do his boots pound their way through my quarters, the blast door sliding open, then shut.

I feel awful, similar to a class bully, picking on someone for what they were feeling. I had been feeling the exact same as him, only choosing to  _ finally  _ comment on it. If I had known he would react in such a manner, I would have never chosen to amuse what had always been between us in the first place. As he left the room I could feel the difference in the energy between us, sensing he wasn’t only embarrassed, he was  _ ashamed. _ My heart sunk as what’s between us died out the further he had put distance between himself and I. There was one thing we always kept going between us, and that was not commenting on the obvious pull between one another.

But then again, what am I to say toward someone that’s ogling their eyes across my body?

I carefully rise from the shower, not wanting to cause any more problems than I already had. I hear the whirr of BB-9 entering my quarters, zipping through the rooms and making his way into the bathroom. He stares up at me, a compartment in the center of his circular body opening and jutting out a tray lined with bacta pads. I shake my head, dropping my towel to the floor and walking past him. I hear him beep behind me, confused.

I waste no more time than I already had, dressing in record timing, the standard slim pair of pants and black long sleeve adorning my different patches. I pull my long hair into a ponytail, a thin strand trailing on the side of my face as usual. I summon my boots within my grasp, sliding into them and securing them tightly. BB-9 continues to beep at me, and I willingly ignore him, not in the mood. I stand, looking in the mirror momentarily, getting to observe how unpleasant and unfriendly I come off as when I am have been angered.

BB-9 beeps at my feet once more and I release a regretful sigh, checking the time. I still had a few measly moments to spare before I needed to head out. I knelt down to crouch at his level, smoothening my hand over the top of his shiny head. He felt hot to the touch as he buzzed loudly, his inner mechanics running on overdrive in a panic; the little machine before me had ramped himself up in his absence.

“Angry.” He beeps, not in question, more as an observation. I shook my head at him, seeing he was still flustered and worried I was going to remain in this current mood toward him. “Not at you, no. At myself.” I tell him, earning a few confused beeps as he swivels around to take me in.

“I’m sorry for yelling at you, that wasn’t right of me.” I add, the worried buzzing coming from the droid dies down to a quiet hum, his internal fans quieting down and no longer needing to keep things cool. He tells me that all was forgiven, and I thank him for the bacta patches, telling him to just keep them in one of his compartments for a time if I ever fall again. He likes the idea and agrees in happy beeps.

I let my fingers trail across the top of his head once more as he hums, content, I rise to my feet and take another look in the mirror. I don’t see who I saw beforehand, but someone less menacing. Maybe even more friendly. 

With that I bid my droid friend a goodbye, promising to be back in the middle of the day tomorrow, or very early in the morning two days from now.

My walk to the main conference room is one lacking confidence, different than the times I had made my way to the training rooms to meet Commander Ren. All those times I had looked forward to seeing him, getting to learn new things from him. Now, I didn’t feel that happy hum inside my chest. I didn’t feel barren, just  _ wrong.  _ I was in the wrong here, and I was going to have to find a time to apologize and express my regret to him.

I had always wondered what laid ahead, beyond what glowed between us, but neither of us ever played into it or entertained it. I guess this is what I get, the result of entertaining it. Perhaps the assumption I didn’t want to ever believe was actually true. Maybe this was the force trying to pin us together, simply because we were connected somehow. It didn’t mean there was anything special between us, or something that meant anything more than becoming master and student. Play into it, and ruin the budding friendship I had just gotten comfortable with, with my Commander.

Absentmindedly I enter the main conference room, General Hux greeting me and motioning where to sit. “Good evening Commandant.” I ignore his remark, as well as those seated around the lengthy table.

I stay silent, taking a seat and immediately placing my hands in my lap, digging my nails deep into my skin, alleviating my frustration.

“Have any clue what’s keeping Ren?” He asks, somewhat irritated, somewhat amused toward the Commander in peril. I frown, wrinkling my brow at him as I shake my head in response. “I do suppose we can carry on without him.” He adds on. I remain silent, my eyes averting to the table, ready to get this meeting over with. Ready to land on Tatooine, search, and fly home without worsening the state of mine and Commander Ren’s friendship.

Minutes pass as he gets his presentation situated, and the General begins our meeting, once again pulling up a large holographic layout of Tatooine and where we were landing. We were set to land on the outskirts of Bestine, a likely place for the pair to have sought shelter within the small base we had heard of. I zone in and out of what he says, sometimes snapping back to reality and listening for a moment or two, to only fall back into replaying what had happened to Commander Ren and I in the shower. I could not shake off how bad I felt, even after trying to rationalize it.

The main door to the conference room whooshes open, revealing a panting, out of breath Commander Ren as he enters. “Glad you’ve decided to join us, Commander.” The General chirps, most definitely not as happy as he shows he is. Commander Ren stays silent, trudging to his seat and sitting down at the head of the table. Nobody else chooses to comment on his absence, the right choice to make.

I kept my head up, my eyes focused on the hologram of Tatooine. I can feel his stare heating up the side of my face, only for a few seconds before he gives his attention to the General. “As I was saying, no need to take the search to either of the three moons, as they have already been scouted by the DB, DC and DD divisions.”

I zone out again, not thinking of the Commander, simply musing toward how much this title was going to take out of me. Surely this was something that could keep we occupied, giving me something else to dedicate my worry to, besides Commander Ren. As I muse out of the cautions and warning the General was making, I notice I don’t feel any energy or feelings coming from Commander Ren alone, certainly out of usual. I still felt the energy that was always between us, connecting us. It was faded and lulled, as we were apparently not on the best of terms. 

There was nothing beyond this kind of energy; I couldn’t read into him the smallest bit to see any feelings at the forefront of his mind, I couldn’t pick up on any emotions he broadcasted too strongly for me. I furrow my brow as I connect the dots together.

He had blocked me out.

My gaze falls into my lap, gritting my teeth and letting out an angered exhale. It really didn’t take much to get on his bad side, did it? He could stare all he wanted, he could probe my mind and make snide remarks that could also be taken as conversations friendlier than what you would deem for a ‘friend’. But I comment on a lengthy stare of his, and he ices me out? I did not want to play this kind of game with him, I needed to understand if he was purposely doing this, or if he had become so angered his mind blocked me off on purpose. Either way didn’t seem welcoming to deal with.

“That concludes the meeting, all who are not boarding for Tatooine may leave.” The General states. He turns off the hologram of Tatooine, everyone standing and exiting through the door while the Commander and I rise from our seats, still remaining behind the grand table. 

“Are we prepared for the extent of travels both of you face?” He poses the question, his eyes lingering between Commander Ren and I. There’s a dead silence between all three of us, nobody moving a muscle, except for the General’s prodding eyes that fill the silence. My eyes roll as I shake my head, disappointed.

“Is DX all accounted for?” I ask him, tucking in my chair and stepping closer to him. He nods. “Yes, they are. I had assumed the DT division would have been ready enough, but I heeded your warning, young Commandant.”

I bite the inside of my cheek, I wasn’t much younger than Hux at all, but I would let him have this victory of his as the argument was truly unneeded. “The DX division is familiar with Tatooine, DT is not. It only makes sense.” I scold, flattening out my uniform and sending him a look. He nods, no questions asked.

“Shall we?” He begins, motioning to the door. Before either of us even begin to, the Commander has exited the room. The General shoots me a confused look as the two of us begin our way out of the conference room, embarking on the short journey to the docking bay. The General and I stride beside each other, the Commander a considerable distance ahead of us.

“Something is truly bugging him today.” He comments, turning to me. I choose not to reply, not paying much attention to him, knowing well enough he could still hear the General and I gossiping even if we fell far behind. “Our Commander is seldom quiet like this.”

I shake my head as I’d rather not have small talk with the General; knowing our Commander could listen in on this little conversation of ours if he chose to. To ensure no supply of fuel to his already red hot fire, I let my eyes trail the sides of the honeycomb paneled walls, the same hallway Commander Ren had helped me down after the fire in the docking pod. 

“Don’t worry yourself about it, General.”

We enter the docking bay, giving a nod to the zone captain in passing by the entrance. Ahead of us waited the Finalizer, all docked and loaded as my DX division was patiently waiting outside of the battlecruiser. I watch as the Commander bypasses those around him, clearing space for him to get by without difficulty. He boards the shuttle, stalking up the ramp and entering without missing a beat. I huff alongside the General, who’s noticed the tensity in the air. I ask him a question before he can comment anything more about Ren.

“Anything else, General?” Hoping he wouldn’t question any further, as I didn’t have the answers he was seeking. I was going into this blindly. He looks around, the corners of his lips twitching lightly, almost seeming to  _ want  _ to say something. He was keeping something to himself as he shakes his head.

“Safe travels to you both.”

I give him a terse nod, knowing there was no use in reading his mind for the time being. If there was any hint of me residing in his mind, more than just the general sense, I wanted no knowledge of it. I left him behind as I approached the DX division, all lined up perfectly and awaiting orders. All heads tip down in my presence.

“Khan.” I greet the Officer of the division, a big brute, similar to Jado, maybe holding a bit more discipline as he was older. I had trained him maybe three years ago, becoming an Officer within the last two. “ _ Commandant  _ Arkin I’ve heard, big title.” He chides in, stepping up closer and shaking my hand. Our hands clasped together but did not let release, keeping a friendly grip. I give a shameful grin. 

“Yes, time will tell how I manage it all.” I sigh, turning to the side and nodding to the rest of the troopers behind them, all seeming polished and pristine as their heads rise back up. Motionless pawns in a game of chess, waiting for a move.

Maybe I didn’t need the Commander around to make me feel as if I could accomplish these tasks. Maybe all I needed were those I’ve trained, those I’ve given my all to. Surely they could bolster me up if I needed it, afterall, they were the reminder, the product of my own hard work.

“Cold feet already?” He asks, his hand loosening the hold on mine, dare I say, becoming a bit more casual,  _ friendlier. _ I entertained it for a moment, still holding on. “You could say that.”

“Don’t worry about it, I’ll be there every step of the way.”

A slight, but deep pinch traces the space between my eyes, forcing me to pinch them shut in protest, letting go of his friendly grip. Similar to a hot knife running through the deep tissue within my mind, I rub my forehead and groan. Khan’s hand reaches my bicep, stepping in closer. “Are you alright?”

The moment he touches me, the pain strengthens, hotter, sharper, slicing deeper. I hiss and back away from him, the pain simmering down slowly. I wiped my brow of the sweat that had accumulated, apologizing to him. “I’m alright _. _ ” I insist, continuing to drag my hands over my eyes and forehead. The pain dies down, but buzzes and sizzles as I raise my head for my eyes to meet Khan’s. I gnash my teeth, snapping them back down to alleviate the strain. “I’ll see you upon arrival.” I hurriedly mention as I nod my head his way, leaving him and the troopers to follow in my pursuit as I make my way up the ramp.

I rub my head upon entering.

The ship is incredibly spacious and dark, I step aside and let the troopers pass me on their way to the back of the ship. Khan shoots me a worried look but I only send him a half smile, assuring him everything was fine. I feel as if a small amount of energy had been taken away from me as that kind of pain had struck me. Any prior eagerness to complete this mission, that wasn’t already diminished because of my run in with the Commander, had been dimmed down significantly. Captain Peavey makes his way onto the ship, the ramp slowly rising up and locking into place, sounding out a loud hiss as the air around the seal compresses and seals tight.

“Commandant.” He mentions quickly, nodding. I nod back, greeting him. In the times I had ever worked with him, he was always terrific at what he did. He never cared for small talk, never delved into the business of others. He spoke up when it was needed, otherwise he kept to himself while completing his duties. He was a good man. “May we have a safe and successful trip.” He adds on before excusing himself, making his way down the hall and to the cockpit. I eye him as he enters through the doors, sealing shut behind him.

The force always made me aware of the distance between the Commander and I, knowing he was residing in the cockpit of the ship as well. I sigh as I lean against the frame of the hall, peering down the length of it. I let my head rest against the smoothened metal, my mind musing toward the Commander, inching closer with the force in search of some kind of measly energy he was putting out to me. 

Not a thing came from him.

I frown, closing my eyes and  _ really  _ focusing, surely there had to be something. I search past the residual energy that always glowed between us, mellow and dull as of our late interaction in my shower. I lamented over how foolish I was to make a comment such as that one, scaring him away as if he was a feeble and scared animal.

Quite literally a wall has been placed between us, ever-growing and stretching far and wide enough to protect that expansive mind of his. I grew heated with this newfound knowledge, knowing he had never taught me how to shield my mind up in this way. He could let my thoughts and feelings grow two legs and roam around the length of his mind all day and night, constantly keeping tabs on me and knowing exactly how I felt and where I was at all times. All the while he had iced me out, not giving me a single inch to work with. He saw this was fair.

My eyes remain shut, digging and clawing through the distance between us, wanting more,  _ demanding  _ more.

Something abruptly startles me to my core, a resounding ring of a gong sounding out within my mind. Reverberating through and nullifying every idea, every passing thought that had entered. It jolted me back and sent me to the floor; I landed on the palms of my hands, scattering backward and gathering to my feet in a haste. My mind pulsates as the warning dies down slowly, leaving me alert as I stand, my mouth parched as my heart pounded against my chest. I placed a tremored hand over my heart as I felt my anger rise extraordinarily higher than usual.

Not only was he blocking me out, he was actively  _ pushing  _ me away.

I grit my teeth and turn on my heel, leaving the main entrance area of the Finalizer and making my way down a different hallway. 

I pass one of the few rooms where the troopers reside, all taking seats and buckling in for take off. They had a small room to talk amongst themselves, with even smaller bunk beds for overnight travel. I notice two of my students that had been recently appointed to become troopers, this having been their first experience on an intel mission. I silently wished them the best.

I find Khan entering his room as I turn a corner down a different hallway, passing his door in order to get mine. My door opens to show me the average sized bed, along with a refrigerator and small sink. 

“Margot.” I hear whispered, stepping back into the hallway briefly to see Khan motioning me toward him. I am reluctant to follow him, but I oblige and enter his room as I didn’t have the chance to see him too often, the doors sealing shut behind us. 

“You gotta tell me what that was about, no bullshitting me.” 

I press my lips into a line, narrowing my eyes. “An estimate? A passing idea? I don’t know what you men call it, but for  _ women _ it is best known as catching someone  _ mid-thought.” _

I watch as Khan’s eyes roll, his head lolling back to look at the ceiling momentarily. “Does the title of Commandant hold you to such sarcasm, Margot?”

I grin. “No, but it does hold me to warding off undeserving conversations such as this.” I tease the best I can, wishing to pay that little outburst no mind. An extent of the force, I’m sure. Not something I was ready to discuss with anyone, let alone him. 

“Alright, I’ll-“ He pauses as the floor beneath my feet juts outward, sending me flying toward the nearest wall. Khan notices much sooner than I, sitting into the takeoff seat on the wall and fastening an arm around one of the seat’s loops. His arm quickly hooks around my body, pulling me onto his lap as both arms secure around my waist, just like a seat belt. I feel his body tense against mine as I sling an arm around his neck, bracing for the exertion of takeoff. Everything dwindles back down to normal after the Finalizer has cleared out of the docking bay. 

He huffs behind me as I turn around to examine his breathless face staring up at me, a stunned smile forming. “That was almost  _ really  _ bad for you.” He snickers. All too quickly before I can react to his comment, or the close proximity between us, that damned slice through my brain returns with a vengeance as my eyes had held Khan’s for a moment too long. 

I groan, squirming off of his lap and onto the ground, pulling my legs closer to me as my body keels over, my hands rubbing all around my head. 

“Margot, what the Kriff.” He states, kneeling down and placing a hand on my back. The sudden touches startles an electric current from the area of my back, connecting to my mind. The surge of pain takes my breath away, nearly stopping my heart. 

“Stop!” I seethe, worming away from him on the floor. After a few moments of silence the pain subsides. Sweat lines my brow and I wipe it away, blinking my eyes in hopes of getting rid of the colorful patterns spread across my vision. I hear Khan shuffling in his seat to his knees, scooting closer to me. I held my hand out in an attempt to show him I didn’t want him to come any further, struggling to catch my breath. “What is going on? Are you hurt?”

The sound of his pleading voice entering my ears is horrid, rattling through my ear drums, almost causing me to dry heave right on my spot on the floor. I didn’t understand why my body had become so repulsed by him, as well as the sound of him.

“Khan,  _ please.  _ Not another word about this.” I begged him, praying he would listen. I let my eyes peek up to get a glance of the worried expression that outlined his face, but I whimper as our eyes meet, rekindling a similar, but dulled pain. Like a dwindling fire catching alight once more.

I keep a generous distance between Khan and I, sliding closer to the door. I grab the doorframe and scale upward to help me keep balance, ready to leave his room and rid myself of this pain.

“If you’re truly worried about your title, I’ll always be-”

“I said not another  _ word _ , and that was an order. Treat it as such.”

I bark the order at him, having become so agitated in the moment, audibly piping him down much more than before. Any words leaving his mouth seemed to upset my entire nervous system, like it had been alerting to a virus it was desperately trying to keep out.

I exit his room and make my way into the hallway, already feeling noticeably better the moment I was no longer sharing a room with him. I couldn’t put my finger on why he was making me react to him in such a way. I pondered the idea as I walked to the main area of the ship, nearest to the loading ramp.

I rub my head of the phantom pain that still lingers, nervous and on edge that something could set off that same magnitude of pain once more. I separate my collar from my neck, growing a bit frantic, desperately wanting out of the ship. To land on the nearest planet to safely breathe in fresh air for the first time in months, anything other than the recycled, stale air I had always made an effort to try and get used to.

I never could completely.

As I stand in the entrance of the Finalizer, a clammy unnerved mess, Captain Peavey quietly slips out of the doors to the cockpit, making his way down the hall toward me. His facial expression reads anxious as he comes closer.

“Captain.” I call him over, just as I see he had been planning to turn down an opposite hall. He makes his way closer to me.

“How are things? In the cockpit?”

His lips pull inward as I can see him bite the inside of his cheek, his eyes gracefully sweeping the floor. His responses were always calculated, he never wanted to offend, never wanted to speak ill of someone.

“It’s quiet.”

I frown. “Quiet?”

He nods, his arms slowly resting at his sides from where they once were connected behind his back, ever so politely. “The Commander has not said a word to me.”

My throat catches a breath lodged in my airways and I swallow it back down, stunned.

“Nothing?”

He nods once more.

I try to collect myself in front of the Captain, but I can see he understands the dots I had connected on my own. I nod to him, letting my eyes trail down to the floor, completely dumbstruck. “Would you inform me of his mood or any change of it upon landing?”

“As in a status update of our Commander?”

I nod, flickering a forceful and small smile. “Precisely.”

“Of course, Commandant.” He gives me his own small, forceful smile.

He returns on his way down the hall, entering a room I was unsure of. I feel sudden sadness wash over me as I stand there, collecting my thoughts, trying to make sense of the Commander’s silence. My eyes softly close shut, trying to follow that string of energy between him and I, in search of any kind of energy that belonged to him and him only. My surroundings become more and more nonexistent the harder I bend my focus toward him.

Similar to approaching a stone slab was going about him, trying to gain access to his emotions. What lies between us was like a dimmed flame; I received nothing from him, but I still felt all of my emotions  _ because  _ of him, all  _ for  _ him.

I then feel it, the veil he had casted over what he would usually project out to me, now definitive. He was choosing to keep me out, to subject me to radio silence from his end. I feel as if I could push hard enough and finally break through, to finally understand what he had been feeling since I last saw the face behind the mask.

It feels laborious and almost painful, exerting my strength to get past the barrier he had created. A kind of exhilaration fills me, straining so much and filling up with more and more power. Something he had mentioned to me before, as my master. I had to  _ want  _ something hard enough, with enough will power in order to achieve it. I felt I was doing just this, becoming stronger, pushing further, about to attain what I truly wanted.

Like a hand bursting through the veil, it meets me with a significant amount of strength compared to my own. It wraps around my throat, as well as the expanse of the neurons firing off in my mind to push me forward. It drives me out of the lengths I had gone to with such a menacing power, forcefully slamming me back to reality. My breath is cut off entirely, the invisible hand constricting my windpipe and closing off my airways. I call out to the force, urging my mind to will my body to fight back, to react in some way.

I cannot.

The force hold over me is far too overpowering, putting an end to the much needed flow of air to stabilize my mind. Without this, decision making was unclear, impossibly uncalculated. I claw at my neck, feeling nothing around it, only the pressure of one’s hand silencing me permanently. I grow weak, I grow terrified, knowing exactly who the body connected to this invisible hand belonged to as I tried to pry open his mind from the inside out.

The hand releases me to my feet, and as soon as I touch down back to the ground I waste no time at all, dashing down the hallway and bee-lining it for my room. I pass through the frame, and my cries sound out sooner than the door had been able to shut me in.

My hand covers my mouth as the sobs leave me, feeling cast out, ignored by possibly the only person I had grown close to within the last month or so. Truly the  _ only  _ one that knew how I felt, deep down, as my thoughts were constantly displayed like a book for him to flip through. All the progress we had made, all of the connections established between us; gone. I cannot help but feel so ashamed and regretful of my actions, surely loathed by even the most hated in all of the galaxies. I kept my lips pressed shut to quiet how badly I yearned to scream out, angered I couldn’t take it all back, absolutely jumping at the chance if it were ever presented to me.

My mind fights between the ideas toward everything between him and I, if it was the force’s will, sneakily calling us closer and closer because we happened to be connected in some way that I still couldn’t comprehend. Or if there was truly  _ meaning  _ between us, alive and waiting for us to jumpstart it. As much as I tried to fight it off, I really believed what I felt for him was meaningful and real, not a figment the force had stirred up, not pinning me against the galaxy’s strongest, and most volatile for no reason.

I can feel my face turning bright red as my cries continue. Even though I had always known he was chaotic and dangerous, his attitude fluctuating by the smallest of inconveniences, never caring who was standing in the middle of his war path when it came down to it, I still held out for him. I knew what I was getting myself into, I could have turned down his offer, choosing not to train with him. Cutting myself off from developing an even deeper connection between us. I could still recall when I finally accepted, that damned smile of his nearly blinding me with excitement. He  _ wanted  _ this just as much as I did, and he still chose to block me out.

Even now, I was still willing to put up with both sides of him if it meant I would have one whole Commander.

I sit down on the bed, stiff and cold as it is plain. The dark sheets hold no contrast to the walls, all devoid of all color. I felt like this was some kind of penance, stuck on this ship for the next few hours until arrival, wasting away in this quiet, darkened room.

I don’t bother reaching out to him any more than I already had, the energy between us sitting like a pile of bricks in my chest, forever sinking and welling me up with despair. Nothing seeming worth it anymore. I rub my eyes free of the tears that only continue to spill over, kicking off my shoes.

There was no way he wasn’t picking up on this, my shame and sorrow. Certainly he knew I was regretful and still felt justified in distancing myself from him. For the first time in months, I was actually alone. I didn’t have someone who was willing to come to my side, whisking me away from any kind of danger if it were present. No one was able to  _ sense  _ I was hurt, and needed saving. 

The pain in my chest alluded to his absence, so apparent and clear. It felt wrong,  _ I  _ felt wrong. It felt like I was missing half of myself, having grown so used to having him at arm's length for so long. I was deterred from it at first, afraid of what I had, what was between us. I wished I could do things differently,  _ better. _

I straightened out on the bed, laying my body back and relaxing as well as I could manage. I shuffle around, unable to find a comfortable position. My eyes are heavy as I bat them, laying still, not caring enough to change out of my clothes. The tears lining my vision blurred the panels of the walls above, escaping and sliding down the sides of my face, my stomach constricting just by the thought of causing the Commander any kind of pain. I take my bottom lip between my teeth and roll it around, mid-thought. Vulnerable. Desolate. Ashamed.

_ I’m in the dark here _

I send out to him, lying motionless while awaiting his response. Time ticks by, and I begin to wait for _ any _ kind of response, not just one that would be replying to me. A scoff, a laugh, drawing a breath inward. I would accept anything as long as it came from him, showing he had acknowledged me.

Minutes pass and I realize there will be no answer, no kind of change in what lingers between us, nothing alluding to the confirmation that he even heard what I had sent to him. My bottom lip trembles at this realization, tears continue to pour freely, at a more abundant rate than before.

I did not sleep a wink that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omg hi, this one was so fun to write. But the next chapter?.... ya'll are gonna hate me so bad, or love me, I don't know for sure. I finished the next chapter late late late last night, I had some music on in the background to get me in my feels, and the shit I was writing damn near made me crrryyyy. I can't wait to upload it, I possibly might do so within the next few days because of how interesting it is, all 23 pages worth xD  
> Let me know if you liked this chapter, what do you think is going to come in the next one? I hope you're enjoying.  
> (Also) shoutout to the user on Tik Tok that recognized me, that's so cool!  
> xx


	20. Chapter 20

I feel the ship beginning to rev down its engines, signalling that we were getting ready to land. I sat up from my bed, my sore spine a clear indication of how uncomfortable the bed had been overnight. I resided in my room for around five hours, having spent not a moment of them at rest, my mind far too enveloped in my prior mistakes. I stand and make my way to the sink, finally taking a look at myself for the first time in a few hours.

Puffy eyelids, reddened lower lids and a deep purple ring around my under eyes. I widened my eyes to see the whites around my irises had a few blown blood vessels from the exertion of crying, splotches of scarlet red similar to flashes of lightning.

I turned on the faucet to splash my skin with cold water a few tries, hoping it would die down how irritated my eyes had become. Only now I felt like I had no tears left to cry, the reservoir within me completely run bone dry. I huff and fix my tousled hair, smoothening it out and tying an elastic around the long strands for a low ponytail, unable to find an ounce of dedication to how I came off to others for the day. 

I took notice of the small refrigerator tucked away in the corner of the room, stocked with water and an assortment of snacks. I knew my appetite was nowhere to be found, but I needed the energy if today was the day we happened to find anyone of use to the Order. I drank water for what seemed to be the first time in ages, cooling my dried throat I let myself put up with overnight. I sat on the floor, popping a few pieces of fruit into my mouth as I raised a hand to my side, silently motioning over my boots. The chilled fruit was juicy and tasted delicious, but it was hard to find any kind of enjoyment within my own self pity, any amount feeling undeserving. 

The ship begins to rattle and shake some more, seeming that we were getting closer to landing on Tatooine. I stuck both legs out once my boots were on, grabbing a breakfast bar from the fridge and unwrapping it as I motioned the force to help me fasten my shoes. I sunk my teeth into the bar as I sat back against the bed, motioning my fingers as they tightened the straps of the boots tighter as well as flattening out the legs of my pants. I eagerly finish the bar, rising to my feet and taking one last look in the mirror.

To my surprise, there was no doubt about me that gave off the fact that I had stayed up all night, very obviously crying. One of the benefits of being Commandant, or even when I was a Major, was that not many chose to comment on things like that. Even if they did just so, I was under no obligation to answer, or amuse any questions I didn’t deem fit. I thought back to Khan, and how he must have thought I hated him. I needed to fix this at some point, if I could manage to look him in the eye.

My fists ball at my sides, overlooking the matters I needed to attend to. Not only overturning the area outside of Bestine, but fixing the problem I had created between the Commander and I, as well as Khan. I shook my head, flattening out my uniform one last time before heading through the door.

I pass through the hallway, backtracking a bit to see the armory room, freshly lined with polished weaponry. I go to enter, the troopers surrounding the walls immediately stopping and turning to me at full attention to greet me. I tip my head to them, a sign to ease up a little bit as I make my way to the wall, grabbing a blaster gun and securing it to my hip, also grabbing extra ammo if needed and dropping it into the pouch to the side. I grabbed a pair of knives and fastened the holsters to my sides, grabbing one extra knife in case I had lost the two… it was just the way my brain saw fit, I suppose.

“Commandant. Troopers.” I hear Khan greet in the doorframe, entering the room and placing himself at my side. I nod in his direction, keeping my eyes trained away from him and on the wall of weapons. I kept my head forward so our eyes didn’t meet, but also so he didn’t see the extent of my crying since we had last seen each other.

“Are you well today?”

His voice cuts through my hearing, sending a quick jolt upward in the middle of my back, connecting to my mind all too quickly. The sudden zap startles me a bit, but I focus on choosing the weapon that could ultimately save my life today. “Quite. And you?” I returned the question back to him, only doing so out of politeness, still worried that if I pushed too far my entire body would become unnerved. The idea of Khan as someone familiar in the force pings my mind, but I find it unlikely, the feeling he sometimes gave me was vastly different than the Commander’s. Although this could truly be a new extension of the force, I couldn’t understand its use.

I noticed the electro staff similar to the one I had used on Exodeen all those months ago; a thick metal bar condensed into a few short inches that would easily connect to my hip for quick access. With the snap of my wrist the staff would extend outward, both sides sending out and releasing the electrified current on either side. It was a great weapon, but it held a lot of memories for me while within my grasp. I could feel the phantom pain in my leg rearing its head, a constant reminder of past-made mistakes in battle.

“I am well… as well.” He adds on. I attached the electro staff at my side, finally turning away from the wall and facing the troopers, all testing out their weapons and assuring they were of correct use. Khan takes a step closer, and I take a step back as soon as I feel the air in my lungs begin to sizzle and burn. I felt as if I would be sick.

“Last night was-”

“Nothing. It was nothing, I believe I ordered you not to speak of it.” I snap at him lowly, making sure not to alert the troopers around us. A handful of silent moments pass us by, and I become a bit awkward and resentful of the situation at hand, truly missing something. “Yes, you did. I apologize. It won’t happen again.”

I sigh, lolling my head to the side, feeling so much guilt for so many people. It was eating me up. “No,  _ I _ am sorry for my instability.” I cut to the chase, not wanting him to feel any kind of guilt for causing my outburst last night. I steal a glance from him, momentarily seeing how softened his eyes are as he views me, most definitely catching onto the bruising that had formed underneath my eyes.

I snap my stinging eyes to the side as the pain convulses in, pressing my lips firmly together to suppress a groan. My eyesight pulses alongside the drumming within my mind, dying down bit by bit the longer I chose to keep my gaze away from him.

Having gathered everything I need, I retreat from the armory room without another word, hoping to cut back on any further mental blows that were in store for me while in Khan’s company. I pass down the hallway to see Captain Peavey standing in the middle of the main entrance, as poised and polite as ever. Our eyes meet and he becomes a bit more eager to speak to me, I take notice of a red mark on the side of his face.

“Captain?” I whisper, my eyes scanning over the stretch of his skin that was so clearly irritated, surely beginning to bruise, only to receive a shake of his head. “Pay it no mind.”

With a somber grimace I placed my hand out, ordering him not to leave the area. I remembered the small med kit in my room, entering once more to sift through it. I read the ingredients from the different creams and oils, picking what I had assumed to be best within the moment. I return and am greeted by a sigh from the Captain as I pop off the lid and squeeze a pea sized portion onto the tip of my finger. 

Softly I ran my finger over the reddened and exposed flesh, seeing the lashes of his eyes batting shut, keeping quiet and never alluding to any kind of discomfort this gave him. I pop the cap back on and he gives me a small thanks, seemingly finding it difficult to stand as tall as he had before as his eyes are focused on the floor. 

I suck in my lip, chewing on it lightly. “How has it been?” I ask him, tilting my head down and alluding to what we had spoken about late last night. He shakes his head, a bit surprised himself. “Still no word from him.”

My jaw tightens upon the news, the pit of my stomach sinking to new depths, making me feel flustered and nauseated. I take a step to the side and run a hand over my forehead; a pang of guilt eating away at my insides. “I don’t believe he slept overnight, from what I noticed.”

My stomach twists into a knot, circling over and over tightly until only a large mound of intestines was left in its place. “You didn’t either, I ascertain?” He adds on. I quickly let our eyes meet as I grimace, shaking my head in response.

This had kept him awake? Had what I mentioned in my shower bothered him  _ that  _ much, letting him lose sleep over it? He was that upset?

While my eyes hold his, they saunter over to the bright red strip of skin on the side of his face, now hydrated and shining in the light, scanning over it and connecting the dots. “I need to know what caused that.” I tell him, motioning to the side of his face. “That’s an order, Captain.” I tell him lightly as I notice he’s readying himself for protest. My voice is absent of any kind of demand, my eyes pleading. I had my assumptions, but I needed to hear it from him directly, understanding what exactly had happened overnight.

He seems reluctant to tell me, but as he sees this is an order he gives it up to me. “I had made the wrong assumption and our Commander was not pleased with me.”

I narrow my eyes and nod my head, urging him to continue on. He sighs.

“I assumed you would need to become familiar with piloting the Finalizer for future use as you search neighboring planets, with or without him. I had made the wrong call, angering him.”

I fixate my sight on the Captain, my anger growing as I know what comes next. I needed to hear it for myself.

“What did he do?”

“Upon my assumption, Commander Ren backhanded me into the wall I was closest to.”

My eyes snap to the end of that horrid hall before me, what the Commander had been silently hiding behind all this time, the physical wall amidst the mental one he had placed between us. The guilt I had felt prior to my conversation with Captain Peavey had decimated, leaving enough room for my anger to shower over me freely, ramping up my breathing to new heights.

I take a step forward and am met with the Captain’s extended arm, along with his plea. “Please, Commandant. I was out of line for assuming.”

Ignoring his comment, I push past him and into the hallway I had steered clear of for the period of my time on the Finalizer. As I near closer and closer to the door, I become more sure of myself, more confident in my reasoning. He remained upset with what I had said in the past, but unlawfully punishing our Captain because he was left in a bad mood was not something I would turn a blind eye to. I don’t believe Captain Peavey had ever been reprimanded for anything during his years of service, this being the first to meet my ears.

I feel the Finalizer halt in his descent down onto the planet.

Possible ideas course through me at light speed, everything I had wanted to say since he had stormed out of my quarters on the Death Star, only now fueled by anger. I was willing to make myself the bad guy here, realizing I had singled him out and embarrassed him. But now, he was also at fault, and I didn’t feel the need for any pleasantries or dancing around the subject. For the first time in a while, I was ready to tear into him and tell him exactly what was on my mind, finally ready to hear what was on his.

I am unable to take the next two steps to pass through the door, as it had opened on it’s own, Commander Ren surging through the frame and into the hallway before me. We met chest to chest for a moment, before I took two small steps back away from him, craning my neck upward just to meet the cold exterior of his mask.

As much as I hated that damned mask, it had never made him seem more terrifying.

His solid stature stands before me, looming over my entire body with no kind of difficulty in sight. His shoulder heave up and down, indicating how laborious his breathing had grown. My mouth dries completely, all of the things I wanted to tell him had now escaped me, nowhere near my grasp to pick up on and remember. We remain like this, my eyes beginning to frantically trace over the sleek chrome of his mask, every once in a while passing up to where his eyes hid behind.

My breathing picks up even more, but not out of anger. I can feel my bottom lip begin to quiver, and I press them together tightly. My hands are next to fall in line, shaking uncontrollably at my sides. The connection between us is agitated and heightened, but there is still a damper on it, as if we had lost the bond we were once working on. His gaze falters nowhere else but on me, sizing me down into a tiny and pathetic existence, holding all of that power over my head. 

I had just mentioned to him a few days prior that I did not fear him, after reading how strongly his mind worried that I did. I mentioned I wanted him by my side, and he accepted. I yearned to learn from him, to grow along with him while he showed me the ways of the force. I don’t think I had ever feared him so vehemently as I did in this moment.

I can feel my chest pounding, due to my increased heart rate, or maybe the tremor my body had so suddenly developed while standing beneath him. I begin to wonder if he’s come out to finally face me so he could punish me, similar to how he had with the Captain. My mind isn’t even capable of commenting on the reprimand he had dealt to Peavey, my mind and body stunned similarly like my young students the two of us had trained the other day.

After what feels like lightyears, he moves from in front of me, returning back to the cockpit as the door whizzes shut behind him. I stand motionless in my spot within the hallway, gulping down the excessive paranoia and adrenaline that had been coursing through me at record speeds. My body twitches lightly as the fear ramps down; as if I had run around the length of Tatooine without stopping for a break, my eyes falling where he used to be moments ago.

I feel the Finalizer begin its descent back down to reach the planet below.

I turn on my heel slowly, flattening out my uniform and breathing through my nose in order to keep my breath at a steady rate. I look to find my audience, both Captain Peavey and Officer Khan watching from the main entrance, standing idly in shock.

I meet them, finding that the eye contact Khan and I make does not deliver me any kind of pain for once. I see they both want to mention something, so eager to comment and yet, they are at a loss of words as much as I am.

I simply nod to them, desperate not to show how shaken up I had grown to be. The ship jostles side to side as it lands on the planet below, engines whirring down and becoming more and more quiet. On cue, one of the troopers leads a line of the rest of the division down the hallway, stopping to meet the three of us.

“Tension thick in here, or is it just me?”

I turn and recognize the female voice beneath the modulator, noticing it had come from DX-7459.  _ Malea,  _ a girl I had trained with many times. I respected her, I grew her from the ground up. I shake my head, lolling it back to face the ceiling in utter defeat.

“You don’t know the half of it.”

The ramp to the left of me hisses, signalling it had begun to open. With a few pops, the ship depressurizes and the ramp unfolds to lower down onto the Tatooine sand. Immediately, the heat of the planet wafts into the ship, alike a slap in the face of humidity. I look to the others and nod, making our way down the ramp while Captain Peavey returns to the cockpit on his own.

We had landed outside of Bestine quite a ways, to maintain a quiet and unsuspecting advantage as we moved around it, nearing the area we had been tipped off, the likelihood of a small rebel base. 

Because of the time difference, it was late afternoon for those who inhabited the planet, throwing off all of us as it felt like early morning. My tired eyes scanned the bright, hot planet, already finding it hard to keep them open from lack of sleep. This sandy planet would prove to be challenging.

Just as I am ready to get going on my own with the trooper division, I see the Commander make his way down the ramp, trudging with each step as he exits. The troopers to the right of me all take a knee, bowing their heads, just as Khan does the same. I grit my teeth and scan the horizon of the planet as far as I could, beyond the farthest dust mound in my sight. I can feel the energy between the Commander and I, dull and lifeless, turning upward a bit. He was surely angered I had not taken a knee for him, but I couldn’t have cared any less as I focused my eyes to settle on the landscape. 

He silently passes me, without even taking a glance in my direction. I huff and follow in pursuit, keeping a good amount of distance between us as Khan and the DX division follow close behind. With every step I take, my boots sink into the hot sand, beginning to feel just how long the sun had been beating down onto it. Any other day I would feel something for the Commander, wearing all of those layers in this kind of heat, trudging through the vast expanse of sand. I struggled to keep the idea of him out of my head, even as hurt and confused he made me, even as much as I wanted to mourn the possible loss of yet another friend of mine.

Was this worse than truly losing his physical life? Seeing him for most likely the rest of my days, as if I were a ghost he chose not to associate himself with?

We continued on for around forty five minutes, maybe an hour. It was immensely difficult to keep track of time with every step I took blending in with the last. Looking around me was hard to keep landmarks as well, every sand mound similar to the last. The only marker around us was the Finalizer that had become faint off in the distance, and the city of Bestine far off northwest.

I wipe the sweat from my forehead, wishing to have dressed better for this kind of climate. It was a little odd to be waltzing around on a planet in our full uniforms, but I suppose it was a risk we could take on such a desolate planet. I tried my best to enjoy the sun while I could, my skin having grown so pale from my time spent in space. It was not easy to withstand the heat, but I tried envisioning that it was better compared to the recycled air on the Death Star.

The Commander stops abruptly ahead of me, scanning the land before him.

“We split here.” He calls out, short and to the point. The first time I had heard his voice in what seemed like ages, and not in the way I had wished to. I turn behind me to see Khan nod, waving his arm to the troopers flanking him. They disperse off to the east. I turn in the direction of the others and begin to join Khan’s lead, then feeling the physical pull of my body to the west. I turn in that direction to see the Commander’s fingers curling outward at his side, relaxing just as he lets go of me for my body to settle, never bothering to turn around and face me.

I caught on rather quickly, seeing I was to follow him. He begins his journey again and I reluctantly cooperate, trailing a few paces behind his outstretched cape.

I proceeded down the path he had made, catching up to the indentations of his boots into the hot sand, his imprint wolfing the size of my boots as I stepped into them. His footfalls were much faster than mine to begin with, handing me the challenges of not only plodding through sand, but keeping up with him as well. Over time we both slowed down noticeably, the sun beating down on the two of us as we sported black uniforms from head to two. We tramped into the sand as the others had become long out of our sight, the situation in front of me settling in easier for me to understand. The Commander and I, alone on Tatooine.

I begin mulling over different outcomes: he could choose to kill me, right here and now, for calling him out in my shower after he had been nice enough to help me out. He could turn me into the Resistance, telling them how many members I had killed during my time in the Order. Or, he could leave me alone on this desolate planet to die from the heat.

I hear a reverberated scoff from ahead.

My jaw drops and I correct it before it lands within the sand, taken back by his sudden reaction..

“You find this funny?”

Radio silence. Nothing but the tread of our feet hitting the sand.

“You agree then? By all means, enlighten me.” I call out to him as my voice grows louder, stopping dead in my tracks as he continues forward, paying no ounce of attention to me. My face grows red, exponentially added onto what had already been beaten down from the harsh sun above. I gnash my teeth together, flinging my hand out toward him,  _ forcing  _ him to stop as well.

His body freezes, he fights to move as I feel the tension within my grasp, pulling at my fingers for me to let up. He strains his head around for me to meet his helmet and I let go of him, my hand motionless before me on my own accord as I have frozen with my own fear. He starts heading toward me, those long legs of his covering much more ground than I ever could as they stamped around, kicking up sand.

My heart begins to sink. “What? You want to f-fight me?” I call out to him as my voice breaks from it’s panicked state, my hands balling and shaking at my sides. My body is instilled with such fear I find it strenuous to move from my place in the sand, all my energy dedicated to beating my heart at such a rapid pace to keep up with my ever-running mind. 

Flashes of our last fight scatter throughout my thoughts, how badly he had beaten me. He had healed me afterwards, regretful of his actions, but to this day I could remember what that pain felt like. He hadn’t erased my memory, or how well I could recall his anger as he took out his frustration onto me. 

Typically I would refuse to be bested by anyone, ready for a fight, a chance to prove I was a woman of determination and discipline.  _ Especially  _ against a man. Fighting against Commander Ren was different, all confidence within me evaporated. 

With the swift raise of his arm from beneath his cape, the material flows behind him as he takes a handful of my belt, reeling my body closer to his for our hips to collide. My head snaps up to meet the underside of his helmet, eliminating any inch of a gap between us.

I stare up at him in bewilderment as he grips my blaster within its holster, turning and throwing it across the desert with such power, the weapon disappearing before my eyes to become lost within the sand. 

“ _ Now  _ I do.” His vocoder slips out his message, his body bracing itself against me. Before I can turn back to him I’ve been flung backward into the air. I soar through the air and come to a jarring halt as my backside connects against a pile of sand, my head flinging backward. My body slides down the mound and to the ground as I recover from impact, rubbing the back of my neck. I looked over at him through the loose strands of hair that had come about, covering my vision. I’m at a loss of words as I stare him down, his stature ready and able for a fight. 

I stand to my feet to be knocked back down onto my ass against the same sand mound by him, adding to my anger even more as the sand rushes over my shoulders and covers my uniform.

“I can’t fucking understand you no matter how hard I try.” I yell, sitting forward to only be smacked back into the sand mound. I yell as loud as my throat enables me to, throwing my hand outward and gripping his physical body with the force, sending his right side into a tall mound of sand. 

He shuffles a bit to his feet before sending his arm back out again, his fingers curling just as my body begins to slide across the sand and closer to him. I kick my feet about as sand pools into my clothing, stretching a hand out to take his feet clear out from beneath him. He merely stumbles, regaining his footing. I let out a scream.

“What do you want?” I broadcast loud and clear for anyone around to hear, no longer caring about missions or end goals. I wanted to understand this man and why he was so easily flipping between both sides of a coin. 

He reaches down and grabs my legs, to which I shake my head while wiggling around and continuing to yell. Panicked, I raise a trembling hand and send him flying backward and away from me, stumbling to his knees. He raises his own arm almost immediately and reels my body to his once more, much faster as my backside glides against the hot sand.

I dig my heel downward, my fists driving deep into the coarse sand to slow the pull of my body toward him. The sand is hot and burns my skin, the raw, scabbed knuckles of my hands stinging in protest

I reach him and he leans over my body to try pinning my arms from beneath him as I yell and squirm. I feel an idea flooding my mind, but I saw it as a last resort method, if I truly thought I was going to lose my life. Fighting with him was unlike anyone I had ever contended with, I didn’t want to believe he was trying to hurt me as the idea came to mind. 

I raise a knee and kick him in the stomach,  _ hard _ , which disables him slightly as I hear his audible huff, enough for me to roll out from underneath him. 

“Can’t you  _ speak  _ to me?!” I yell at him, attempting to rise to my knees. His body leaps to the side from his knees, hooking his arms around my lower back legs and halting my mobility, his helmet digging into my lower back to better get a grip around me. “Get  _ off!” _ I shout against the sand, worming my way around on my stomach, my shirt lifting and feeling the scorching sand on my exposed skin. I feel a sob getting caught up in my throat as our struggle against each other doesn’t let up, the meaning to this fight having gone amiss for me to understand.

His hands rake up my sides and dig into my skin, flipping my body over and onto my back as if it were no chore to him. I grow dizzied from exertion as I am slammed back down, the sun baking down onto both of us.

He claws the material of my pants, pulling my body downard and closer to he hovers over me, dust picking up all around us as we wrestled about in the sand. I kick around, his knees then pinning my legs down to keep me from escaping this time around. My mind recognizes my kind of struggles as similar to the time the men in the hallway near Kaz’s room had attacked me, fighting for my life. I didn’t want to believe I was fighting for my life yet again.

Now the panic of being overpowered really sets in. My hands find their way to the material of his uniform, digging my nails into him and attempting to claw him off of me. My yells have turned into strained sobs, leaving my throat even if I tried to suppress my emotions, getting the best of me the more scared I became. 

I grow tired and angry, my fists letting go of his material to begin punching his chest, his shoulders, his stomach. His torso leans against mine, putting even more pressure onto my body to keep me from escaping.

I didn’t know this Commander, I wouldn’t have ever believed he would never do such a thing like this, not to me.

His arm raises and with the wave of his hand my wrists are pinned above my head, completely taking all of my mobility and using it against me. The force surrounding us is not within my grasp, my sheer panic too strong to let me focus. 

I yell out, tears pricking my eyes as his palm opens only inches away from my face, my eyes glued to the leathered gloves spanning over his enormous hand.

“Just k-kill me before you do this.” I bleat as my voice cuts out, assuming he only wanted the one thing I as a woman had to offer him. Petrified, as well as angry, I myself had been  _ bested  _ for all the wrong reasons, I blink and finally let the tears roll down the side of my face. Surrendering in a fight for the first time in my life.

I watch as the wave of his hand halts before my eyes, his body stilling against mine. The connection between the two of us almost comes to a stop completely, jarring me to the bone. His mask turned down to not only look at me, but peer  _ into  _ me. I feel the intrusion of his presence within my mind, gentle but demanding, in search of answers I wasn’t sure of. He exits before too long, not causing me any kind of pain or discomfort. 

The energy between us grows solemn, regretful and careful. It is a gut-wrenching mixture to feel all of it from him while it’s transferred into me, somehow breaking through the veil he had cast out between us. My body trembles below him as his body lifts off of me, my chest shaking with each soft sob. I watch his hand lower down to our side, his head shaking in disbelief.

“I wasn’t… I would never.” He begins, his voice much softer than before. I feel the release of his force hold on me, but his body remains close above me, only a fleeting inch or so between us. His head lifts up to survey around us, then returning back to me. I hear a muffled sigh through is vocoder.

“You shouldn’t hold me to the standards you do.”

My mouth opens, ajar as my brows knit together. I take a moment, examining what this could mean, the way he had said this repeating in my mind on a loop. Almost like he had let me in on what resided in his mind, letting it slip before actually thinking about it.

I wished with all my might I could see beyond his mask, maybe reading his face to help make sense of all of this. 

He finally raises upward, his body no longer pinning me to the sand. I remain stupefied as I sit forward, grabbing his bicep before he was able to take to his feet. “I don’t understand what you’re trying to say.” I beg, my voice full of confusion as it continues to jump around alongside my jagged breathing. For once I wanted a clear conversation, to understand his true intent. His helmet turns to my side momentarily, only to look forward once more. He shrugs the hold I had off of him as he rises, sand sliding down the backside of his cape and all around us. 

“Commander, please.” I begin with a little more conviction, my voice growing less feeble. Stumbling to my knees closer to him, he begins the journey we were set out on before our tussle in the sand. I’ve earned no kind of visible recognition from him once again, to my dismay. As if this had never happened, leaving me in some kind of nightmare only I swore was true. What circled between us was reignited, but still different. Something wasn’t right, something didn’t add up completely. We were not the same pair we used to be.

I rise to my feet at the exact moment I let out a heavy breath, I see someone rounding the top of a sand dune to the Commander’s right, out of his sight. The Resistance insignia blaring bright around this man's arm, causing me to leap to action without a single thought as I watch him pounce toward the Commander. 

“Ren!” I scream the loudest I possibly could, my voice blaring loud and echoing off of the tall sand dunes surrounding us. I raise a hand outward, flinging the assailant’s body the farthest I had ever thrown anything, or anyone in my life. Commander Ren’s lightsaber has ignited before he has fully turned around toward me, already beckoning his next victim that rounds the corner of the opposite sand dune. The next man collides into the saber, impaling him through the center of his chest, dropping like a fly once the blade has been retracted through his flesh.

My mouth gapes open as I see he has brandished his weapon in such a way, never having seen a lightsaber in person before. I am unable to stand in awe for much longer, my natural fighting instincts kicking in as I hear footsteps sinking into the sand behind me. In a fluid motion I swipe my foot outward behind me, my hand meeting my hip on impulse to grab my electro staff. With a spin of my fingers, the staff extends outward, the glow of the electric current meeting the neck of the attacker behind me.

The sound it makes as it slices through the man's head takes me back to Kaz and the throne room. That awful sound, the act that still repeated in my mind at least a few dozen times a day. I don’t let myself get caught up in it, wiping my eyes free of the tears that had brimmed, twirling the staff above my head as I turned my body to face the next man running at me head on. 

I simply snapped my arm out before me, the man running straight into the blade of my staff. His facial expression twinges as he stares at me, the life dulling from his eyes.

I push the staff down with a yell, tearing the lower part of his body in half. I take a moment to catch my breath as I see the Commander sending a man into the air, smacking him back down to the ground with his saber, the snapping red current passing through the man and sinking into the sand with no difficulty. 

Regretfully, I get too caught up in the beautiful dance the Commander fell into, striding left and swinging his saber, jolting right and snapping his wrist for the next to collide into the blade.

Red hot pain sears through the backside of my calf, the blaster taking a complete chunk out of the side of my leg. I scream as my left leg gives out, dropping to take a knee while whipping my head around to see my attacker, hands shaking as the blaster she holds is jostling around in her grasp. 

I can’t hide the seething smile that tears its way across my lips, tightening my fist at my side as the expression on her face turns even more shocked, the swell of air now missing from her lungs as I had stolen it from her. My vision filled with red as I rise to my feet, letting out a loud groan as I do so. She yelps as I beckon her closer with the force, her blaster falling out of her loose grip as I ease up on the force surrounding her windpipe.

I see tears roll down her cheeks as I fix my fingers around her neck, her pleas filling my ears as she expresses how regretful she is. She didn’t mean it. She doesn’t know why she’s here, she has yet to find her purpose. She aches to fit in somewhere, this just happened to be where she was trying.

I slam her onto the ground, audibly knocking the breath from her lungs as she connects harshly to the desert. Her face reads a mess and is stained with hot tears as the sand sticks to her. I feel no kind of remorse for her, the Commander and the slew of puzzles he had thrown my way residing at the forefront of my mind. Taking up entirely too much space for me to consider the life of a poor resistance girl who happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time.

The blast wound on my leg was all too familiar compared to the slash wound I had taken on Exodeen. This only fuels me with a brighter, hotter rage for the girl.

Any other time I might have been  _ moved  _ by her pleas, sympathizing with someone who didn’t know their place. Someone who made the decision to work with what they had within arms reach. Unlucky for her, she had made the wrong decision.

I stomp my boot on her calf with as much force I could muster, her pleas turning into screams very quickly as I feel the bone crush separate beneath my footing. The sound escaping her lips rips through the air, echoing all around us. Words couldn’t describe how much this satisfied me. 

Another man catches on, running toward me as I turn back to the girl to flash her a quick smile, then lunging forward and crouching down as the man comes closer. 

At just the right time I spring forward, throwing my electro staff straight through his neck, decapitating him. His head hits the sand before his body does, earning a strained cry from the girl behind me. I feel the pain of my leg beginning to pulse, but I distract myself from it by using the force to bend all ten fingers on each of the girls hands backward. I hear the crunch just before her blood-curdling cries, helping quell my own pain. I turn to see her face has grown bright red as she writhes against the sand.

I see two more men running full speed on either side of me, and I call forth the staff within my reach. I caught a glimpse of the Commander, still fighting well on his own as it seemed. Watching him in action creates a lustful burn in my lower abdomen, something I know well enough he is able to pick up on as his head turns to me from afar, checking in on me. As much as I want to hold his gaze and relish the feeling he roused up within me, I regain my focus. 

I let the two of them get as close as they can manage. Holding out my staff, I leap to the side before the men reach me, holding my arm out and keeping the staff frozen in the air for both men to collide into. Both sides of the electric current pass through their chests within a flash as I hit the ground, audible discomfort shown through the gurgles they struggle to let out.

The girl continues her screams as she observes, I flick my wrist upward, the blade slicing through the men and landing back within my grasp. I grin, stepping over their limp bodies and approaching her once more.

As I crouch over her, her screams become more frantic. I noticed the blood from my leg had entirely soaked the material of my pants around my ankle, pooling into my boots and drenching my socks. I cross my arms over my knees, getting more comfortable as I look over my shoulder to see the Commander is still in one piece, retracting his saber as he looks around for anyone else.

“Your main base. Where would that be?” I ask her, resting my chin on my knee as my body hovers over hers. She looks rather deathly, but still so far from it as I wasn’t finished with her yet. Her eyes bug out of their sockets as she stares up at me. I  _ almost  _ feel sorry for her, but I remember my hate for the woman that had killed Captain Phasma, and any amount of remorse vanishes as I understand they played for the same team. 

“I-I cannot say.” She cries, her eyes wrinkling as her frown deepens. I hush her, brushing the hair out of her face, clearing the sand that had stuck to the sweat that lined her hairline.

“Here, let me.” I ease her, placing a hand under her jawline and peering into her. I sift through her day, preparing for any encounter with the ‘enemy’. I backtrack through the years so quickly, after much practice it was one of the easier methods I had learned during my time training with the Commander. I see she had only recently joined the Resistance, only ever living on Tatooine and running away from her parents to join the cause. No longer than two weeks, it seemed. 

A girl with not much prospects, even fewer friends. Never having left the planet, never hearing talk of where the base was located. Not ever eavesdropping on any juicy details. She offered me nothing.

I exit her mind to be reintroduced to the shocked expression forever etched onto her face, hands, as well as broken fingers, raised at her sides. Her eyes examined my own so timidly. 

“You seem to be of no use to me,  _ Jynna _ . And you  _ shot _ me.” I sigh above her. 

She wiggles beneath me in disbelief, her eyes never ceasing to navigate around my face, surely looking for an ounce of empathy. “I didn’t want to! I’m sorry!” She begs beneath me, her rebuttal cut off by her cries. I shake my head, unsatisfied.

Reaching behind me, I hiss as I rub into the blast wound on the back of my leg, my hand covered in the hot and sticky scarlet substance. I raise my hand to her, smearing my blood all around her face. She whimpers and cries as I massage it into her skin, the hot sun beating down on her face. The blood quickly grows tacky and dry, and I reach around to lather my fingers with more.

“P-please!” She whimpers, gagging and quite clearly stifling the urge to vomit. I smoothen and lather my bloodied hand all around her face, tracing over her eyes as they shut, dipping my fingers into her mouth. Her body convulses beneath me as her tongue pokes between my fingers, fighting to shut her mouth. She whimpers and chokes as my fingers slide down the length of her tongue and press into it, reaching the back of her throat and muffling her cries. I pull my hand out as the tears from her eyes have begun to mix in with my blood staining her face. She gags in a fit of coughs, I clean my hand off on the material of her shirt.

I grimace at the sight before me, hearing the Commander had been standing nearby idly. With the raise of my hand, I clench my fingers and twist my wrist, snapping her neck and silencing her cries all together. I rose from my crouched position over her body, turning to see the troopers and Khan had just made their way over one of the nearby sand dunes. Blood covers every single one of them, my eyes expanding over and trying to count how many were accounted for. All seemed to make it out.

I would have wished to do more, inflicting a harsher pain onto the girl below, but I had grown somewhat tired of it. I had compared her to the students around her age that I have taught; In a different life she could have been  _ my  _ student. All of the anger and frustration within me caused by the Commander, or the urgent desire to end a life pales into comparison to the guilt I felt for those who experienced a childhood similar to my own. I believed this was my only flaw in battle, seeming that every good fighter had at the very least  _ one _ .

Commander Ren makes his way to my side, my eyes gleaming hopeful as I notice my reflection in his mask. His hand gently brushes into my shoulder for a brief moment. I go to speak, but I feel the wound on my leg closing up completely, skin molding over the wound until the only aspect left was the memory. No sooner as it fully heals does he turn and begin walking away from me, absent of any kind of warmth. 

“Return to the ship.” He indicates to everyone, retreating back the way we had come. I let out a labored breath, forgetting within my rage what had gone on between him and I before we had killed all of those people. 

I still couldn’t see what he saw, or understand the way he felt. Killing all those Resistance members only satisfied my anger within in, and my urge to kill. I didn’t truly accomplish what I really wanted deep down, even though we had seemingly killed the small Resistance base on Tatooine. I follow in the Commander’s footsteps, hanging my head low.

The walk back to the Finalizer takes a significantly longer amount of time, as we struggle to remember the path we had once made when we left it behind. I can visibly see how frustrated the Commander becomes as he leads us, also feeling the energy between us growing more and more erratic, but never absent of its overall dull haze. What was once a beacon, dying to pull us together was now muffled, like he had found a way to put a similar veil over it as he had with his mind.

Throughout our journey back I grew remorseful for killing that girl in such a way, knowing well enough what it felt like to have to deal with what you had at your own expense. I knew deep down I was angered by the distance the Commander had put between us, lashing out on the young girl because she had shot me in the back of the leg. It hurt, but I knew it could have been fixed. I could have let her go, as she was someone’s daughter. I had tormented and killed someone’s daughter in such a sick and sadistic way, my anger once again getting the best of me.

I believe it takes us almost three hours to reach the Finalizer, my feet ready to give out as I notice the ship far off in the distance. The energy between Commander Ren and I has simmered down much more once it is in our sights, taking it that he was as relieved as I. With the wave of his hand, the ramp folds open and descends upon the sand. The suns had just begun to set, both of them casting beautiful purples and oranges amidst the late evening sky. My tired eyes take it in as Commander Ren boards the ship, I nod on Khan and the others to follow on.

I take a moment to myself to observe the calming scene, the wind beginning to pick up as it cools down the sweat lining my body. Stray hairs framing my face sweep over my vision, tickling the tip of my nose as I take in a deep breath of fresh air. Tatooine was a scorching hot and dull planet filled with never ending sand, but the air was still clean, and I needed to appreciate it a moment more before I had to leave it behind.

I hum a soft breath out, slowly turning on my heel and rising up the ramp as my boots clicked against the surface. Immediately upon entering the ramp retracts, and I am left with one more glance of the suns setting on the horizon as I turned around fast enough to see it. The ramp locks into place with a few clicks and pops, then hissing and whizzing loudly as the air in the ship begins to compress.

In the main entrance I see Khan and the rest of the DX division walking back to the armory room, and as I go to enter the hallway I see Captain Peavey standing idly in the opposite hallway. I turn to him and furrow my brow as I feel the ship beginning for take off, watching him take one of the small seats lined on the hallway. I hastily sat down next to him as we both strapped on the harnesses over our bodies, I didn’t want a similar outcome as compared to last times take off.

The initial take off merely rocks our bodies around, our shoulders brushing against one another momentarily before we reach lightspeed, leaving Tatooine further behind us than I could ever comprehend within a matter of seconds. Once we have entered space our bodies settle, thankful I had a place to sit this time as compared to last night. Peavey and I both unbuckle the harnesses around us, I waste no time to turn to him and get to questioning, hearing Khan making his way towards us.

“You should be in the cockpit with the Commander.” I tell him slowly, seeing his face turn into a sorrowful grin, shaking his head. “He wishes to be left alone for the remainder of the trip back to the Death Star.”

I purse my lips and let that sit with me, knowing what I needed to do. I turn my head upward to Khan, raising my brow.

“I came to ask if you wanted company tonight. Cards or something— with DX.” The big brute asks timidly, his eyes scanning over the top of my head. I hadn’t ever realized how sweet he was always being toward me, ever since we had boarded the ship last night. Even recalling when I had trained him, he was always kind and good-natured. A woman could get used to that.

I smile, “I would love that. Maybe Peavey can join us.” I chide in, standing to my feet and looking down at the Captain, his head nodding in agreement. “Perhaps I could.”

Khan clears his throat, gaining some confidence and letting a smile spread across his face. “Care to join us in the troopers lodge?” He asks, his hand resting on my shoulder in a playful manner as his head jolts in the direction of the opposing hallway.

A painful itch stretches its way up my shoulder to pierce through my skull, panging me with an immense amount of aching. I flinch away from his touch and take a step back from him, just then finding his gaze to be all too much for me to handle. I try my best to disguise the groan I let out into a disgruntled sigh, but it doesn’t play out as well as I wished.

“I can meet you both later, for now I need to attend to other matters.” I remark, turning my eyes down the hallways near the cockpit. Khan shuffles his feet at my side as I notice Captain Peavey has taken on a startled expression. “You don’t think that’s a bit dangerous?” Khan asks. “I wouldn’t advise to go against the Commander’s wishes, Commandant.” Peavey adds, both men understanding where I was implying these matters lead to.

“I’m not looking for any advice, although you’ve supplied me with plenty. Like I mentioned, I’ll meet you later.” I inform them, flickering my eyes up to Khan for only a moment, feeling the pang of static filling my mind as well as my limbs. I look away quickly and notice the tips of my fingers have grown numb, slowly gaining back their feeling.

Without listening to another word I leave the two at the entrance of the hallway, making my way down the hall with the cockpit insight. I recall earlier today when I stamped my way down the same hall, holding every intention to viscerally demolish him and give him a piece of my mind, nothing ever coming to fruition once my eyes met that cold metallic stare of his helmet.

I half expect him to come bounding out of the room once more, the blast door opening to reveal him, angry as ever, ready to pick another fight with me. I let out a shaky breath as I approached the door, never having gotten this far. I bite the inside of my cheek as the door unlatches to let me in, stepping inside and hearing them seal shut tight behind me.

I see him across the room, sitting in the pilots seat, mask and all. The red welding marks on the back of his helmet greeting me as his gaze is set upon the stars etched across the windshield, casting a bright light into this darkened room. Buttons buzz and blink all around me symphonically, only an addition to my nerves.

He doesn’t turn around, only ever leaning forward to mess with the control board before him, ultimately tuning out my existence. I let my mind trace over everything I wanted to say, so many different ideas popping into my mind, to only be replaced by something else that could reign over the last thought. I press my eyes shut and breathe steadily, my heart not yet slowing down to the speed I wanted. I sort through my thoughts as I stand shiftless, calming myself down all the while trying to pick the right thought to expand upon for an occasion such as this.

“You’ve been practicing.” The robotic buzz murmurs from his seat, still not bothering to tear his eyes away from the control panel. I gnash my teeth, feeling my jaw tighten.

“All thanks to my master.” I mutter quietly, my head turning to the side to try and get a better view of him, not just the back of his helmet. There is a silence between us once more, though the force between us shifts lightly, not as dull as it was once before. This nerve wracking feeling eats away at my mind, did I say the wrong thing? I wanted to go about this as carefully as possible, I didn’t want to mess things up anymore than they already were. When I choose to speak again, I have lamented over it through and through, fact checking to be sure I didn’t hurt him anymore than I already had.

“Why have you blocked me out?” I agonize out to him, my heart rate speeding up some more, ringing in my ears as I finally send out the question that had been on my mind for  _ hours _ . He takes his own time to respond, I yearn to peer into his mind and see what he passes up saying, and what other things he wished to have said.

“You should leave.”

The hairs on my arms and the back of my neck stand pin straight, the chill of the room pales in comparison to how uninterested in me he had sounded as he gave his reply. I couldn’t believe  _ that  _ was what he chose to say. He took a moment to formulate what to say, and he decided on  _ this _ ? He was hiding something.

I shake my head. “I’m not going anywhere.” I quaver, my voice showing my fear as my physical self stood its ground. “I want to sort this out, to fix it. With you.”

The energy between us then flexes, tense, agitated as he voice follows a similar tune. “There’s nothing worth fixing.”

My mouth gapes open, my head shaking as it lolls to its side, letting my eyes trace the vast amounts of flashing buttons lining the wall beside me. That quick remark had cut  _ deep  _ into me, a wound nonexistent to the eye, but so very painful to own the heart those words had sliced into. I feel a lump in my throat forming, pressing my lips shut and swallowing it back down to rid myself of any extra discouragement. 

“I don’t believe that for a second.” I chide in, trying to gain as much strength as I could to sound confident. I knew I was right, but I needed him to believe in it as much as I did. His sight still trained on the control panel before him, occasionally gazing out the window to the stars beyond us, whizzing past them and putting parsecs between us within the blink of an eye.

“You better start believing.”

My brows glower down in annoyance, growing tired of how dismissive he had become. As if he no longer cared about anything. I found it hard to recall how he had once been so kind, so helpful toward me. Now to backtrack completely, as if we didn’t have history.

“How could you believe that? Why run from this?” I speculate, trying my best to reel him in with my words, hoping one of them would make him snap back to normal, making things like they once were. As they should be, possibly meant to be.

“It’s time for you to leave, Commandant.” He retorts dismissively, the blast door whooshing open behind me, prompted by the Commander. I take a few steps closer to where he was sitting, turning my two fingers by my side slightly and shutting the door once more.

“I am not leaving this room until we have figured this out.”

The energy between us changes again, dipping back down on a sour note. The feeling pools in my chest, I can hardly stand it while fighting my way to get a solid answer out of Commander Ren. He stays silent, brooding away in his seat.

“I need your cooperation so I can understand.” I beg, growing tired of this game of back and forth with him, seeming that he always wanted to play when I didn’t wish to. He remains silent, his head not moving an inch away from the windows before him. My fist balls at my side, an unsteady breath passing my lips as I had let it out.

“Can you just  _ look  _ at me for once.” I yell, raising my arm out toward him. I immediately curl my fingers inward, spinning his seat around for him to finally face me. His body language appears to be shocked as his helmet meets my gaze, I suddenly lose the conviction and confidence I held while his back was trained toward me. As taken back by the moment as he seemed, he rises to his feet with a newfound confidence.

“This is what you want?” His accusation booms into me, his boots pounding against the metal floor and bounding toward me. He stops a foot or so before where I stood, towering over my body, blocking my view from anything but him. I nod, the lump in my throat returning, giving me the option to cry at any given moment of my choosing. I suppress the feeling with all my might.

“I don’t understand why I cannot hear you anymore.” I urged and cut to the chase, staring up at the blank expression of his helmet. His head exacts down onto me as he steps closer, I take a half step back.

“You don’t  _ need  _ to hear me to begin with.” He bellowed from above with such hate, straightening his posture a bit and putting some distance between us. I shake my head, unable to believe him. “You had no problem with this until yesterday. Why so suddenly? What can I do?” I beg him, my voice straining so I don’t grow too emotional. I feel I have it in me to break down before him, but I know that kind of behavior would be of no use to me.

He then shakes his own head, peering up and over my head in disbelief. “You could  _ leave. _ ” He snaps, turning on his heel. My lips forcibly frown as I yell out to him while he takes a step away from me, raising my arm and pulling him back to me with the extent of the force. As soon as his body has turned to face me once more, he raises his arm and points straight for me, absent of the gloves he always wore.

My body grows motionless, my arm frozen outward as he has stunned my entire body. He nears in and snakes his helmet up close to the side of my face, his vocoder blaring so loud it rattles my eardrums and dizzies my vision. “I am severing the tie between us. Move on.”

My eyes flinch as he tells me this, my body unable to move in any kind of protest. I let out forced spurts of my breathing, labored as my lungs have been constricted to an extent as well. He keeps his gaze on me, his helmet moving around as he examines my facial expression, adding on.

“I have shown you the ways of the force, there is nothing left for you and I now. I am releasing you.”

Quite literally he releases his force hold on me, my arm dropping to my side as I take in a deep breath, my eyes traveling around him as I huff, trying to see through him.

“You’d listen to my thoughts for the rest of your life, but block me from hearing you?” I shudder, unable to believe it, or why he would ever do such a thing.

“Call it the burden I’m willing to bear.” He grumbles, his helmet turning to the side, seemingly in annoyance. I set my eyes forward on him as they searched the clad of metal in a dire haste to find anything meaningful, not accepting any of this although it came from him with such self-assurance. So undaunted.

“Take off the mask.” I condemned, staring so deeply into the dark abyss from his slit of sight, beckoning him with my gaze. He straightens his posture, his focus never wavering away from me. “What good do you think that will do? Who do you think you will see?”

I know for certain I would see who I recognize as my Commander, my  _ friend.  _ I plant my feet to become more solidified in my spot in front of him, repeating myself with more vigor, more conviction. Tears brim my eyes from the exhaustion of not being taken seriously, losing my outlook of treading lightly around him. “Take  _ off  _ the mask.”

He freezes upright momentarily, his hands then meeting the latches of his helmet just as I was about ready to release it for him. The hiss rings throughout the room as it opens, music to my ears, something I had been waiting to hear for quite some time. When he lifts the helmet off his head, I pay no attention to how it thuds to the ground beside us, as I am too busy paying attention to every minor and major detail laid upon his face. 

I take in the curvature of his jawline, chiseled as he grates down on his teeth in anger and anticipation. His dark hair a mess and in single strands across the side of his face, the sweat that lines his brow just beyond those strands. How his pillowy flushed lips have then parted to let out constrained breaths, ultimately feeling as exposed as I did. The blinking lights illuminating every speckled beauty mark that was perfectly scattered across his face, flashing into his eyes to show me not only how dark his irises were, but how deep of a purple ring he adorned below both his under eyes from a sleepless night, identical to my own.

My face softens completely, no longer feeling as scared as I once was upon entering the room. I can feel the ache of my heat twinging the longer I created mental notes of his every detail, growing sad to see and understand how clearly driven he was to exhaustion. No longer meeting the cold metal of his mask, finally getting to see who I had recognized as my Commander, my master. I could see his face was agitated and scornful, trying to prove a point; what laid beyond this seemed to be his anticipation, awaiting my next move. It was only a hint, a glimmer in his eye, but it was there.

As I traced over every inch of his face, I no longer felt anger for him. Any amount of it was whisked away by something I held for him that was much stronger, beginning to make more and more sense the longer I let my gaze settle upon him.

“Don’t envision more to this than there is.” He begins, interrupting the mere minutes I had stolen to drink him in, his voice having simmered down a bit as well. I throw his rebuttal out the window, not accepting it as I chide back, my voice having grown hoarse as I was so caught up fixating on the minor details his expression gave away the longer I stared.

“Why hide it from us then? Let us  _ feel  _ it.”

He draws back some more, his back straight and now putting my own height to shame. Now I can see it, as he no longer has the mask to hide behind. His face is startled, annoyed,  _ conflicted. _ I can see him thinking of ways to continue on talking himself out of this, as he had already sounded convincing enough. Almost too convincing, scaring me and creating the illusion that nothing about this is worth it, that I was wasting my time. That I should walk out of here and never associate myself with him any further than just colleagues. I shutter at the idea, knowing we had grown closer than just that.

“There is no reason to, you have everything you need, everything I’ve taught you.” He affirms, his voice not as harsh or cruel as before, but still adamant in his reasoning, not easing up on me. Now it was like he was just stating facts; this of all things could very well be true, but I could not accept it.

“I want what you have to offer, Commander. More than just your teachings.” I admit to him, taking a step forward as the tears lining my eyes spill. He is the one to take a step back, his eyes flickering back and forth between the two of mine, his argument starting to crack down the sides. He seems panicked, he seems like he wants a way out, but is choosing to stay for different reasons. 

I hear him take in a sharp breath, stunned by what I had said. His lips quiver as if he is readying himself to say something, like his mind was running faster than what he could compute. His eyes darted all around me as mine stayed settled, helplessly melting into his.

“The notion you have of me, at the forefront of your mind. I can remove it for you, you can forget whatever it is about me that plagues you.”

I frown, losing the calmed mantra I had been repeating in my mind to keep me steady. What he had said jarred me so badly that I wanted to leap out and embrace him, he had me pegged all wrong. I bite my inner cheek, looking up at him ignited such hurt to course through me. Only then do I understand that he had already tried to decide for me, as we had been rolling around the dunes of Tatooine, ready to rid my mind of him for my own betterment.

This was the first time he had  _ ever  _ spoken up about what was between us. It wasn’t much, but he was  _ acknowledging  _ there was something real that I felt.

“I do  _ not  _ want that.” I begin, my voice breaking as I turn my gaze away from him. As I break away I feel a sob wrack through my chest, my body trembling as it passes through me. I try awfully hard to keep silent before him, not wanting any excessive emotions getting in the way of making progress.

I feel his timid, bare hand secure around my upper arm, his fingers digging into my skin tenderly as his head bows down to better meet mine. I let our gazes connect, seeing how sorrowful he was, but also eager upon noticing how upset I had become. “I am only a deterrence in your life, a distraction in your mind. I will not let myself be what stops you from progressing within the First Order.”

My head shakes in response almost immediately after hearing him, not believing this a single bit. “You could never hold me back, you’ve pushed me to become the best I can be. I cannot simply set you aside when I can  _ feel  _ all that we share between us.” I assure him, inviting him closer with my words. 

My fingers twist at my side, motioning his hand that held my arm to slide up my shoulder, meeting my face. Watching as his drowsy eyes widen, he obliges and I let out a relieved breath, feeling his fingers expand across the side of my face, his thumb resting on my chin just below my lower lip.

“I do not wish to ignore this anymore, Commander.” I bleat as I  _ finally  _ admit it out loud before it had killed me, wishing to fully surrender the vast amount I had felt for him, to finally air out everything. He caresses my face more meaningfully as his head cocks to the side, his gentle gaze sliding up and down the length of my face. His thumb brushes the lower part of my bottom lip as soon as it begins to tremble with vulnerability. My eyes flutter in response to feeling his tender embrace, promptly opening them again, awaiting his next word.

“ _ I _ cannot get anything done if I entertain the idea of you.”

I press my eyes closed and turn my face further into his hand as I hear him, he then chooses to swipe over my lip completely, his fingers having slid behind the side of my head to knead into my skin. 

“You can’t tell me any of this is true while you still have me locked out.” I agonized into the palm of his hand, looking back up to him as he stood so close. Gingerly I raise both my hands to see him eagerly lean in even closer, his face fitting perfectly within my grasp. My thumbs trace over his cheek bones like I have always wanted to do, the rest of my fingers fanning outward on the sides of his face, the tips of my fingers brushing the ears I had never gotten to see before. I take a deep breath in and fight the urge to weep, while at the same time a somber smile tugs at the corners of his mouth.

All too quickly I feel what he had placed layer upon layer over, shielding us both away from what he really thought, as well as what emotions truly circled between us within the force. It hits us both, having not felt its power for around an entire day. It’s urgency reaches me like a swift jab to the gut, stealing my breath away and leaving me speechless. It circulates and hums brightly around us in an expansive silky cloth, not meaning for us to go anywhere else but here, holding onto each other so meaningfully. I can sense how badly the force wants us to give in, only inches away to achieve what has yet to be done yet. 

We had already admitted there was something there between us, both of us feeling the extent of it as it even lingered in each other’s absence, never fully forgetting it was there.

I let my eyes drift shut, feeling every strong, solidified thought within Commander Ren’s mind, pushing to be first in line of possible things he could say. Similar to my own, these powerful, wonderful thoughts of his have to do with me and only me, practically screaming my name off the walls of his mind. What he feels has erupted off of him to surge into me, waves of desire, wanting to protect me, to shield me from every bad outcome within the galaxy. He is scared, but finds comfort knowing I feel the exact same, going into this just as blindly as he was.

I opened my eyes to see his still mesmerized by me, studying every feature. Finding no need to read my thoughts as everything I felt for him was already sent to him this entire time, not missing out on a single emotion I released. My fingers continue to manipulate his skin, his facial expression giving away how sinfully pleased he had become just by my touch. He continues on kneading into my skin and swiping over my lip. Blissfully, I allow my mouth to widen a bit more, the pad of his thumb gently bending my lip down. His free hand has stretched around my waist, I immediately step into him as his arm recoils to bring me closer, his sturdy arms and broad shoulders providing me a safe place to gaze up at him.

_ I will stray from the path that has been created for me if I give into this; you will pull me into the light. _

Hearing him reach out to me stirs more tears to well from my eyes, pouring down my cheeks as he slides a finger to wipe them away. I wished we had only spoken about this sooner, saving all the trouble he had gone to distance himself from me, afraid of what would become of us. I couldn’t see the way he did, but I couldn’t blame him for reacting as he was scared of something so foreign. I move my thumb from his cheekbone and trace it down to his mouth, watching him eagerly part his lips as I slid over his bottom one, elated to get to feel how soft and plump they were, warm to the touch. His lashes bat lightly as I caress him, enjoying it as much as I had been as I choose to reach out to him and reply.

_ I don’t care about what side I reside on, I just want to be on whatever one you occupy. _

His face has grown visibly surprised and intrigued. We held each other like this for a little while longer, enjoying the moment, feeling what had been blocked off from between us as it danced between and all around us, encasing us in our own galaxy. Nothing quite ever feeling this good, this safe, or this right. I see his neck crane downward as I feel the arm around my waist tightening even more, pulling my face closer to his.

The blast doors open behind us, Commander Ren’s eyes parting from mine as they raise toward the door, his entire facial structure losing any soft aspect as the connection between us is soured. His hand drops from my face, pushing me behind him in one fast motion, effortless and smoothe. As he places himself in front of my body, I hear the ignition of his lightsaber, the red glow illuminating the dark room, reflecting off the walls and onto the floor similar to a darkened mirror. 

I peek my head out from behind his back, coming to see that the Commander was readying himself to throw his saber at  _ Khan _ , who had his blaster pointed directly in our direction.

“Stop!” I scream, jumping out from behind the Commander and leaping in front of him in hopes of grabbing his arm and stopping the saber. I collide into his arm and he pulls me back, watching the snapping red currant buzz across the room, slicing through the center of Khan’s chest. The blaster's misfire glides directly above the Commander’s head, the saber’s blade passing through Khan entirely, only the hilt sticking out from his chest.

I forcibly tear the Commander’s arms out from around me in a dire haste, running toward Khan and extending an arm out with the force just before he was able to fall to the floor. I grabbed the vibrant saber as it had been zapping and burning into the ground, sparks flying all around me. I switch it off, the red glow burning through him diminishing as the hole in his chest is exposed. I grab his limp body and cry out, his eyes lifeless and rolling into the back of his head. I place a hand behind his head as his neck has given out, pulling the rest of his heavy torso onto my lap. He was only making sure I was alright, surely. He knew the Commander was dangerous, he knew he had hurt Captain Peavey. He was ready to defend me.

“He had a  _ blaster  _ pointed at both of us.” Commander Ren notes from behind me, his breath as rampant and scattered as mine. Tears freely roll down my cheeks, the Commander no longer close enough to wipe them away for me.

“He was doing his job, he wanted to keep me safe.” I beg, finding it harder and harder to observe his corpse within my lap as I sat on the floor, his body growing colder with every passing moment. The blade had been hot enough it nearly cauterized the wound upon entry, the blood on my hands from what had soaked through his uniform.

“You cannot say I wasn’t doing mine.”

I shake my head, out of my depth, unable to understand another friend of mine was lost. Unable to conjure together something to say in response, knowing he was right only to an extent. He continues.

“You never read his thoughts. Every stolen glance, every time he laid a  _ finger  _ on you.” The Commander expels, disgusted. Not an ounce of regret after killing one of my longest lasting students. Shocked, I snapped my head his way as he stood across the room.

“It was you.” I tell him, stupefied. He continues to stand on his own, his eyes falling onto Khan’s body in my arms, brow furrowing while mid-thought.

“You didn’t hear his-”

In one swift motion I heave the weight of Khan’s body off of me, snatching the Commander’s saber to my side and gathering to my feet. When I ignite the saber, the red glow washes over his face, exuding a different anger than before.

“You can block me out, but I cannot  _ talk  _ to one of my oldest students.” I laugh, the saber trembling within my grasp, holding it before me and supporting the hilt with both hands. The incessant buzz of the cross guard is parallel with my eyes as it is directed toward the Commander.

“Yesterday was the first time I had seen him in months, after years of friendship.” I tell him, my eyes falling to the floor to overlook his time on the Finalizer, only wanting what was best for me. Genuinely curious about how I was doing, only to be snapped down to size below me as I shooed away his inquiries. My brows furrow, my attention snaps back to Commander Ren, my placement around his saber refocusing back to him, raising it higher with purpose, intention.

“He thought I was  _ repulsed  _ by him. It was you, you did this.”

He answers back with what he had attempted to say earlier.

“You didn’t hear what he was thinking.”

I grow impatient, yelling out to him in anger. “You had no right!” I step forward, closer to him as I raise the saber to become diagonal with my body. My fingers wrap so tightly around the hilt, I feel the scabbing of my knuckles tearing apart. Khan had died still thinking there was information I was withholding from him, every time our eyes simply met I tore them away. I couldn’t imagine what that could do to someone on the inside, to hell with whatever the Commander had heard.

I see his eyes narrow as my body heaves, the saber in my hands becoming increasingly difficult to continue holding, my biceps adopting a tremble.

“You want to hurt me.” He states simply, his eyes focusing down on me, occasionally glancing at the saber.

I can feel my heart sink and shatter, splintering off into several pieces. The tears spilled as I struggled to examine every inch of him, trying to figure him out. I let my head hang low, feeling the energy between him and I growing unholy and dark.

“Get on with it, then.” He urges, his face taking on a more serious expression, his jaw limp and eyes focused with a malicious intent. I shake my head, a whimper escaping my throat. He raises his eyebrows, nodding his head softly, his voice sweet as honey as he taunts me.

“I can make it easier for you.” His mouth turns upward to grimace at me. My teeth grit as I feel the desire, but have no intent to carry it out. He steps in closer to me and I pull the hilt closer to my torso as I take a step back, the glow emitting from the blade heating the side of my face. I feel a second kind of heat rousing me up, stemming from the apex of my body so strongly to see such a side from him. I didn’t know what to think, my thoughts so scattered and unclear.

“Would this satisfy you?” He asks, genuine curiosity with a hint of malice. I basked in the heat of his desire and such sudden anger, putting the sun to shame. I felt stripped down to my very core, he was able to sift through my mind to see each intent, reading each emotion as it flashed through me.

His hand drawn at his side turns quickly, my hands abruptly shooting outward to point the tip of the saber toward him as he saunters closer. I feel I cannot move my hands, so I continue to back away from him.

“Stop.” I beg, my fingers draining of feeling as my grip secured tighter around the saber. I wanted so badly to be furious with him, for killing my friend, but somehow he was turning it around. I felt lustful, I felt angry, I felt scared and confused before him as he kept sauntering closer, my feet matching his and backtracking.

He jolts closer, the tip of the saber meeting his chest. The material of his uniform singes, his facial expression never wavering. I yelp in fear and pull my body back, heaving with every breath I took. “You are vile.” I exhaust, growing faint and struggling to continue holding his saber, running out of space behind me as well. The idea of him and I coming so close to a mutual conclusion so far from me now, to once again be faced with the cold, deadened killer that was Kylo Ren.

He clicks his tongue against his teeth shamefully, his face sobersided as he speaks. “I thought you liked that.” I shudder upon hearing him, the inner battle within my gut fighting between finding this interaction terrifying or  _ arousing,  _ continuously lighting up either option to entertain it, exhausting my body _. _ A second, stronger battle takes place within my mind between the Commander I thought I had grown to know, and the Commander standing before me.

“You do want this, hm? You want  _ me.”  _ He declares, his face growing red with anger as mine does from embarrassment, my body aglow from the rush of emotions.

“In every sense of the word.” I whisper out, my voice still managing to split down the middle, sounding much more afraid than I had intended. He sends a smile, not like the one I always looked forward to, not the one that always managed to leave me breathless. I hadn’t ever seen this one before.

“Then this is what you get. _This_ is your Commander, the same man residing in your mind so often.”

As referring to the two sides of his coin, I can understand what he is projecting to me, even past how strongly I wished to not believe him. His maliciousness, his deviance. Completely unhallowed, serving no one. He would kill someone close to me for sport, very clearly showing no signs of regret. Not an ounce of him wished to do things differently, he had only ever done things in vain, possibly even when saving me, just to keep me around.

As I felt his emotions and intentions fill me to the brim, I was scared to find they seemed to be genuine, the look on his face tying everything together, icing out any doubts I may have had.

“If that is the case, I no longer wish to have you.” I mention breathlessly, saddened beyond belief of my own answer. My trembling body slowed as I coaxed and pleaded with myself to do so. I exerted as much strength as I could against his force hold over my hands, sliding my thumb upward on the hilt to power down the saber. The Commander’s face is unreadable as he watches me drop the now silent saber, falling to the floor in the space between our boots right as my eyes brim with fresh tears, dedicated to yet another loss.

“You wanted to sever the tie between us, I think you’ve got your wish.” I mutter, letting my eyes flash up to his one last time, standing tall as his face gives off that same blank stare, as stoic as ever. I take in his face for the moment, not bothering to think of what could have been if Khan had never entered the cockpit. I look for a single shred of humanity within him. Trying to justify his actions, but coming up short as this only made him come off as even more detached than before.

I didn’t know what to expect as I told him this, his hollowed out eyes still holding mine as his facial expression remained unreadable, just  _ standing  _ there. Broad shouldered, proud of his actions. Maybe I looked for a change of heart from his side, dulling my pain and showing me he was the man that truly did reside in my head. To my dismay, he was not the man I had dreamt him up to be. I turn my heel and pass by Khan’s body in his resting place.

The connection between Commander Ren and I, as well as his side of our bond had been blanketed by the veil once again, sooner than the blast doors were able to seal shut behind me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am giggling uploading this right now xD 29 pages! Y'all hate me? Love me? Idk how I even feel about myself, it just seems kinda cruel tbh, but oh so fun to write. Let me know what you think, how could things end up from here? I love reading comments, I check this shit a dozen times a day and always get excited when coming across the newest one.  
> Thank you for reading, I hope everyone is enjoying! (I really hope I didn't break any hearts here, lol) xx <3


	21. Chapter 21

The next day and a half was as dreary and uneventful as can be.

Following the Finalizer’s return back to the Death Star, I was given a lot of freedom to self reflect during the time I was not training any of my students, which sadly did not feel the same prior to our mission to Tatooine. Since the force connection between the Commander and I had been muted to a soft hum, even with a great distance between us, I felt like it slowed me down. I had grown used to the idea of him and I, tethered by an invisible cord within the force. I felt exponentially lifeless during my training sessions, a lot of my energy spent pondering what I was to do with these abilities, and how I could use them without giving myself away to the Order. It took even more out of me finding a replacement for the DX division, Khan having led those troopers as well as himself seamlessly throughout his days, even until his final one.

I also spent a good amount of time wondering if the Commander would ever turn me in for said abilities.

I couldn’t ascertain if the once rampant connection between the two of us instilled this kind of fervor within me, or if I had created this magnitude of self confidence on my own. With the present indication of the ever growing pit in my stomach, I surrendered to the latter.

As much as I  _ wanted  _ to let myself ache for him, knowing that he indefinitely knew I wanted him, knowing he wanted me as well, I wasn’t going to entertain it. What he had pulled in the cockpit of the Finalizer only demonstrated the difference between the two of us. I could admit to my faults, knowing I let my anger get the best of me, maybe even clouding my judgement at times. Despite this, I do not flip back and forth on my own coin of emotional instability as easily as he can. I wanted to forget about how he had killed Khan, so swiftly without even thinking about it, something I had a hard time believing I could ever do.  _ Killing  _ without judgement of the situation, simply because he deemed it right in the nanosecond between noticing Khan, and igniting his saber, sending it across the room without the bat of an eye.

Unfortunately, this was not something I could sweep under the rug. Any kind of relations with him seemed to put me in danger, all while having to put up with whatever mood he was dealt from his coin. Maybe General Hux had a point about his opinions of the Commander, ‘incapable of decent behavior.’ Maybe it was best that I kept a distance from him. For my sake as well as his.

I stamp down onto the treadmill below, raising the speed upward from a light run to a sprint, similar to how my thoughts had grown to become so incessant. Officers and different students used other treadmills or various exercise equipment around me, the small training room growing warmer by the minute as everyone around me exerted their finest efforts into their routine. The air grows thicker with every breath I let out, the windows to the hallway sheened over with light condensation. Sweat coats my skin, rolling from my forehead down the sides of my face, dripping to my shoulders and chest, rogue drops landing on the rotating belt beneath my running shoes.

Then I can feel it, amidst the burning of my lungs from exertion. A small, but noticeable hum. The tall, dark, brooding masked man making his way down the hallway adjacent to the small training room, two troopers and a General accompanying his sides as they pause directly near the foggy window. I feel my already heightened heart rate reach a speed I was not yet comfortable with, keeping my eyes set ahead of me, focused on the high the run had given me. Although dim and somber, the hum is warming me alongside how overheated I had already become, such a tempting distraction, as if he never said those things on the Finalizer. If I didn’t pay attention to anything he had told me then, I’d say it was almost like he  _ wanted  _ me to turn and acknowledge him.

I do just so, swiveling my head to the side to peer through the window across the room. I am met with the cold, unappealing exterior of his mask yet again, staring back at me as the General at his side drones on about whatever matters were important for today’s mission to Rodia. The connection we have doesn’t ramp up as gloriously as it used to, nowhere near as beautiful as it could be. Now it is only a small, glowing warmth residing in my chest, pooling into my ears and settling around the apples of my cheeks, prompting a smile if I were to ever give in to it, but I refrain. It doesn’t sting the tips of my fingers like it used to, now feeling trapped in my chest with no way out. It doesn’t urge me closer to him like I know it wants deep down, but it fills my heart with an alarming amount of sorrow, like I was seeing a past lover doing well without me in their life. Was that actually what I was observing?

I don’t quite know what I expect, something,  _ anything  _ from this masked creature that I had grown so detached from in such a short amount of time. I had held up my end of the bargain, carrying out my life as if he didn’t exist for the last day and a half, as he wanted in the first place. Yet, here he was, nearly beckoning me to return his stare. 

I grew tired of this unappetizing ordeal, whatever game he was trying to play was one I had purposely forgotten how to entertain, as we weren’t to be even mere acquaintances from now on. My brow furrows, disappointed in even choosing to glance in his direction,  _ appeasing  _ him, ultimately giving in and quelling whatever worry he had about asserting his dominance over me, like he had to prove it to himself yet again. With the roll of my eyes and the shake of my head, I avert my vision ahead of me once more, focusing on the wall across the room. 

I had done a rather good job of keeping any lustful, thirsty desires out of my mind that concerned him, making it easier to move on from the idea of him and I overall. What did occupy my mind was the gloomy cloud that had taken up residency, showering over my thoughts with the remorseful response to how things had ended, even within my desperate attempts to shine light on why this was the right decision, the best outcome for both of us. The cloud did not break apart or clear up, only raining down on me even harder with its intent.

The circulating belt below me comes to a dead stop, my legs continuing their pace and sending my upper body to crash into the control monitor before me, my arms sprawling out and around the sides to catch myself. I sank to my knees, skinning them as I noticed the treadmill had been powered down completely within a moment's notice, very obviously not an outcome that was commonly expected during its use. I pant as I feel the eyes of those around me settling on the distraction I had created, craning my head in the direction of the window as I come to terms with how childish of a man I was dealing with. A man who was not looking to distract himself with the idea of becoming anything closer than colleagues with a woman he had grown to know, but  _ is  _ content with stringing them along and forcing them to play whatever obnoxious, immature games he deemed fit.

I meet the expressionless stare of his helmet observing me, a sweaty, angered sight to see. He only holds the gaze momentarily before making his way down the hallway, the troopers and general jolting to keep up with his pace. I sit and catch my breath, clenching and unclenching my fists in my lap, talking myself down from storming out of the training room, down the hall and forcefully removing the mask that put such distance between he and I even when we stood face to face, smashing it to oblivion. Not even the finest fusion-welder able to piece the remains back together.

In record timing I left the small training room to head back to my quarters, utilizing my shower without greeting the slippery tiled floor like the previous time before a mission. I dressed faster as I noticed time was dwindling downward, and left my quarters after a brief goodbye to my little mechanical friend, who did not fail to send me on my way without a few warnings and cautionary tales to follow, always worried for my safety. I wished I could bring him along for company, but feared he could be potentially flattened under the Commander’s boot.

I sail through the hallways, having skipped out on the debriefing I would have sauntered to after my gym session if my mind hadn’t been so clouded over with anger instilled by the Commander. The mission was to be routine, much like our previous trip to Tatooine. Commander Ren would take charge as usual, picking and choosing the route we were to take to the potential base we were looking for. I utter a silent prayer as I enter the docking bay, the Commander and General Hux nowhere to be seen. 

Approaching the ship, I greet Sola, the Officer of the DT division. I believed to have trained her some years ago, but I only knew her fairly well. Her sharp, brown eyes exacted onto me as I stood before her and lended her a welcoming smile, giving me a terse grin, most definitely apprehensive of something I had yet to pick up on. “Commandant.” 

I pause for a moment, wishing for her to become more comfortable around me. “It can be Margot in private, if you’d like.” I tell her, giving her a wink. She nods, her uptight demeanor softening just as the corners of her lips smile more naturally. “How many missions have they put you on?” I quiz her way, letting my gaze travel over to the opening blasts doors across the room, revealing Commander Ren passing through them. Staying true to who he was, he ignores the squad captains and other officers around him. I don’t waste an ounce of bandwidth on him, turning back to meet Sola’s frazzled expression. “Just two.”

Her already pale face drains of whatever color she might have had, her eyes staying glued to mine as I hear the stamp of boots from behind me. The connection between him and I twitches and buzzes nervously, but I pay it no mind, recognizing it as a deterrence I needed to learn to get used to. Never coming to a stop, I hear the footfalls carry on up the ramp to the Finalizer, quieting down as the distance between us increased. I hear her audible sigh as he is no longer within hearing distance of the two of us, or at least as far as Sola had known.

“He’s really nothing to worry about if you keep a distance from him.” I tell her, flashing another smile that doesn’t seem to do the trick. I carry on. “I’m sure you’ve heard of Khan.” I lament, peeling off the gloves from my hands and placing them deep within my pocket. She nods, sucking in her lower lip to gnaw on. “That was a misjudgement on both ends, an accident. It won’t ever happen again… I won’t let it.” I assure her, placing a friendly arm on her bicep. She nods once more, sucking in a quick breath as she observes the ship behind me. “I really doubt there is any chance of the Resistance securing a base on Rodia, this should be fairly routine.”

This was partially true. As desolate and murky this swamp-filled planet was, it held a lot of dark corners and crevices for Resistance members to take shelter, possibly helping stash away a Jedi with blood on her hands, as well as her master. We still had no intel toward the whereabouts of their main base, so scavenging for any smaller bases that could point us in the direction, willingly or unwillingly, was what we all had our hopes casted toward.

Sola shows me her acknowledgment, fleeting but visible if you paid enough attention. Her hands gripped the helmet in front of her, fingers anxiously twitching as her nails scratched against the surface. She was worried, understandably, but she would have to embark on this journey whether she wanted to or not. With this, I motioned her to my side, beginning my way up the ramp. She follows in pursuit, the troopers behind her following our lead. She leads them down the first hallway facing us to the troopers, just like Khan had done when we first loaded onto the ship. My right eye twitches as I suppress the memory.

Captain Peavey remains to my right, tipping his head down in my direction. I return the gesture, the click of my heels against the floor leading me closer to his side. I hadn’t seen him since I stormed off of the Finalizer the moment we had returned from Tatooine, no longer wishing to share the same ship was the Commander.

“I’m glad to see your return to the ship, young Commandant.” He greets. He reads aware of his surrounding, but still welcoming me, somewhat apologetic as our eyes meet. I nod and thank him. There’s a small pause as the last of the troopers load on to the ship, the ramp reeling inward and upward, securing in place to lock shut. I waste no time finding a seat for takeoff against the wall, the same one Peavey and I had used before. I think back to Khan, regret fills within me as I analyze what I could have done better in order to save him. Not acting as harsh, not turning him away when he only wanted to help. The lonesome ache in my chest had doubled tenfold since Kaz’s death, still, something I thought about every day without fail. I was carrying too much weight from these recent losses.

The ship rattles as the pressure beats down on us, pushing us back into our seats, my cheeks flattening out against my face momentarily, my eyes falling heavy beneath its weight. “Do you still care for updates regarding our Commander?” He asks, letting out a strong exhale. The weight pushing down on us relieves, sitting upwards in my seat as we both unbuckle our shoulder and belt straps.

“No, no. There’s no need for that.” I messily reply, forgetting I had tasked him with this beforehand, on the last mission. “For your sake, only speak to him when absolutely necessary. Please.” I add on, softening my expression that had turned a tad panicked so suddenly, resembling Sola as the Commander had passed behind me earlier. The Captain nods his head in agreement, both of us aware I wasn’t going to learn how to fly any ships any time soon.

I quietly rose to my feet, assuming I’d walk to my room if I hadn’t been struck with a different thought, regarding if the Commander wanted Captain Peavey alongside of him in the cockpit. Noticing that Peavey had remained seated, I took that as an answer in itself, no longer wishing to scout out any more answers than I needed to, unnecessarily concerning myself with the Commander like I had used to. 

I leave him, starting to feel melancholic for this new attitude I was still adjusting to. Not feeling as strong of a pull in the direction of the Commander, simply walking away as I chose to. No jabs, or playful comments sent to one another from different rooms. Knowing he was in the cockpit to man the ship, all alone. This was the new normal.

As my boots click down the hallway I pass the room Khan had once resided in, feeling too much of the past creeping into the present, leaving me disoriented and just plain sad. Disregarding residing in my room by myself, I knocked on what was now Sola’s door, hearing eager footsteps approaching closer. The blast door reveals her, her gloves and shoes now removed as her breath evens out, probably not expecting to see me hovering in the hallway.

“Com—Margot.” She whispers, peeking her head from around the corner of the doorframe, eagerly eyeing the hallway I resided in. A smile tugs at my lips as I shake my head lightly. “Just me.” I reassure her. She steps back and releases a breathy smile, raising her hand to motion me inside. Her room is pretty much identical to mine, my thoughts briefly wander to how spacious and cozy the Commander’s room was compared to ours, before knocking the entire idea out of my nebula of thoughts.

“Settled in?” I ask, she pulls out a chair for me as she plops on to the edge of her bed, small and just as uncomfortable as mine. “As much as I can be.” She retorts, spreading her arms outward to mimic the length of the cramped room. It was doable, for a short period of time, at least. “You’d assume those who the Order are appreciative of would deserve rooms of higher quality.” 

She laughs at my remark, placing her hands on either side of her on the bed. “I couldn’t agree more.” She nods as I cross one leg over another, leaning back in my seat. “It’s the  _ least _ we could be given in return for how often our lives are on the line, for everything we’re willing to sacrifice.” I add, the banter between us lightening the mood. Sola’s smile grows deeper as she laughs, helping me forget about my fallen friend. “Being appointed to a mission with the Commander is reason enough!” She quips back. The sensation of butterflies brush against my insides at the mere comment of him, I hastily let out a laugh as I felt their wings rise up my throat. “I suppose so.” I clasp my hands together in my lap, my palms having grown clammy.

Her laughter dies down slowly, her eyes scanning the small room. “So, what is there to do to kill time on these missions?” She asks, doe-eyed and curious. It was a pleasant feeling to know she was comfortable around me. I bit my lip, kneeling to the floor and opening her small refrigerator, full of different drinks and foods for the duration of our trip. To my amusement I see Cerean alcohol,  _ vodka  _ to be exact. Never having visited Cerea to begin with, this could be the closest I ever got to it. I pull out the bottle, wiggling my brow a bit as I search for two glasses.

With the crack of the seal around the mouth of the bottle, I pour a generous amount into both glasses, rummaging the fridge and grabbing some kind of sweet juice to add, masking the harsh taste of the alcohol. I cross my legs on the floor and hand her a glass to cheers, the glasses clinking together before we drink. I take a liberal mouth full, swallowing the mixture down as it coats my throat and burns on the way down. We both crinkle our noses and squint our eyes at the taste, laughter immediately filling the room. “Is this an often occurrence to drink with your officers on missions?” She snickers, sipping once more from her glass. I do the same, wincing a bit as my concoction was too far on the alcohol side of the ratio compared to the amount of juice. 

“Not a chance.” I hiccup, having taken too big of a sip. I already feel the drink working its magic on my mind and body, numbing my limbs as my thoughts slow to a comfortable pace. She shuffles her body to the floor across from me and I take one more mouth full of my drink before setting the glass down, releasing my hair from its tie to freely fall along my shoulders, tossing the elastic off to the side.

“So, you say Rodia should be a short trip?” She begins. I take notice of how loose her neck has become, her head starting to loll around, falling to the side as she awaits my answer. I drink, and reply back.

“It  _ should _ be. I don’t care to speak too soon concerning matters like these. We will just have to see.” 

I then feel myself slip further into this inebriation I have picked up, my eyes growing heavier by the second as my gaze settled comfortably on her. Her eyes lazily taking me in, hardly ever maneuvering away from me. It was easy to hold her gaze in the dimly lit room.

“Is there a reason the Commander accompanies you on these missions when you could direct them on your own?”

“I want to say he’s merely an intimidation tactic, but I truly don’t know how to  _ man _ a ship, let alone fly it.” She laughs at this a mighty amount, leaning forward and placing a hand on my knee. The funny thing about how intoxicated we were was that I began to laugh at my own joke, repeating the punchline in my mind and finding more than one way to continuously entertain myself. We laugh for a few more minutes, filling the room with like minded jokes, taking a break from our duties as we winded down.

“For what it’s worth, you do not need him to oversee your duties out here. I think you do a fine job on your own.” She sips on her drink as I do the same, finding it a bit difficult to swallow it down as the velvet lining her voice provides has suddenly begun to affect me in more ways than one. She scoots closer and eyes me down, the hand on my knee sensually tracing circles into my skin.

“Are you advancing on me, Officer?” I ask her, feeling my face flush against the heat the alcohol had supplied me with. I wet my lips with apprehensiveness, a few flips of my stomach alerting me that this interaction was truly happening, that I wasn’t  _ too  _ far gone. She smiles, baring her teeth to me in a shy way, her hand lifting off of my knee but still keeping the close proximity between us.

“If that’s what you’re picking up from me.” She trails off, her eyes lethargic as they reach the ceiling, letting out a drunken giggle, then circling them back to mine. I lean to my side, jutting my arm out to lean into, pulling my legs in as she adds on. “There’s someone back home I’d like to forget about. For a little while, at least.”

A grin tugs on my lips incessantly, too powerful for me to hide as it parts my lips for me. A flash of the Commander visits my mind, a crystal clear reminder that I could benefit from this exchange as much as Sola could. I shrug off the thought of him, eyeing her more clearly. “I wouldn’t mind.”

Her expression lights up even more, I raise my glass to finish the drink, her actions mimicking my own but much faster. She’s scooted closer to me as I lower the glass, licking my lips from the excess mixture. Her head leans in, our eyes taking each other in at a closer proximity as we linger, her hot breath mixing in with my own. She tilts her head to the side and I move in closer for our lips to meet, softly brushing against one another, a tease. We exchange small pecks, trading off whose lips move in for the kiss each time, alternating the lead.

I lean my body forward closer to her, our lips then better molding cooperatively, the slippery sheen coating our lips rubbing together and mixing into one flavor. My chest heats up, starting to burn the longer we choose to continue. I lean in even more, my free arm placed on the other side of her body, causing her to lean backward as my torso has risen over half of hers. Our kiss deepens, one of her hands sliding up my side, traveling to rest on the side of my neck. Her lips are soft against my own, comforting and inviting, still different than the set that was always on my mind. The pace shared between us slows, longer more meaningful kisses traded back and forth. 

“Who are you trying to forget,  _ Commandant?” _ She asks, a slight tease hinted amongst the tune of her voice. I hungrily kiss her as _ he _ pangs into my mind, much more forcefully than before. She breathes out a blissful sigh against my lips, pleased with this as much as I was. I picture who I wish to forget, not only within this moment, but in general, understanding it was for the best. I fight off the image of him growing jealous, lustful, full of _ regret.  _ He wasn’t someone I needed to worry about anymore, what I chose to do with my time didn’t concern him.

“Nobody special.” I murmur against her lips, eager not to keep mine apart from hers any longer than I needed to. As soon as my lips meet hers, I am overwhelmed with an intense surge of elation, pulsing from my chest and jolting through every intertwined nerve ending located in my body. I can tell what I have been struck down with does not only come from me, as the feeling is too strong for me to concoct solely on my own. I know who else has become so suddenly elated, pouring  _ his _ emotions into me to heighten my experience as he  _ feels  _ my own sensations, the blissful, yet conflicted thoughts circling in my mind.

Battling between my resentment for him, and my craving for her, I guide my tongue to swipe across her lips, deepening the kiss as her mouth opens wider to contend with mine. We both moan simultaneously into each other, earning a second wave of desire pulsing through me. I lift a hand from supporting my angle to grab the side of her face, tilting her upward to improve the kiss even more. She sat up forward, becoming more eager from her end, matching the intensity of my own needs. Our mouths slide across one anothers, molding and parting in a sensual dance. Her bare hands sneak underneath the hem of my shirt, her fingers gliding over my skin and pricking the hairs on my body to stand straight. Our lips grow more feverish as I swing a leg over her waistline, my fingers tracing up her neck and cupping the sides of her face.

I feel something in the air, surrounding me, opening up more and more. What  _ he  _ had cut off was splitting down the sides in anticipation, struggling to keep things wound up tight. I softly tug on her lip for a breath of air, her hands streaming up my ribcage and tenderly massaging into my skin as my own grip her jawline with a bit more pressure. One of her hands makes its way to the neck of my shirt, helping me slip off my long sleeve effortlessly. Her right hand remains trained over my torso as the opposite trails up to the side of my face, pulling me in closer. 

Her lips peel off of my own to take in a heightened breath, her thumb carving the outline of my lips, the digit entering my mouth to meet my tongue. This stirs up too many feelings I so desperately wanted to ward off, thinking of  _ his  _ thumb caressing my lips in such a way they had before, but better. I nonchalauntly raise my chin, popping her finger out between both of my lips, our mouths meeting once more for another embrace. I scoot myself up higher on her torso, her hands sliding down to my thighs and gripping at my skin, jiggling its weight beneath her hands as we laugh against each other’s lips. My foot juts to the side as I reposition myself, meeting the bottle of vodka and spilling it onto the floor.

“Kriff.” She laughs as I grab the bottle, a good amount of it lost. I shake my head and laugh along with her, shaking what was left of the contents around, securing the cap back on and setting it on the table beside us. As I turn back to look down on her, I can’t help but feel disappointed. As my eyes had been closed, the feeling of someone else’s hands on me felt wonderful, letting my mind roam elsewhere as our bodies spoke for themselves. Upon seeing her in this new light, I realized she was not who I wanted at the end of the day, or even now. Her eyes trace mine as she lets out a sigh, picking up how quickly I had been able to change the mood.

“Did this help you forget?” She asks, her head turning to the side a bit as she awaits my answer. I suck my bottom lip in and shake my head, a bit disappointed in myself as well, unable to focus on someone else other than  _ him  _ for once. Unable to enjoy the moment with someone else.

“I don’t think he is someone I can simply forget about, unfortunately.” I admit sorrowfully, earning an understanding nod. She leans to the side beneath me, handing me my shirt. I slid my arms through and put it on, pulling my hair out and flattening out the shirt. “Is it salvageable? What you have with him?” She asks. My tongue clicks against my teeth as I wipe my lips of the gloss we had exchanged. I still remain on her lap, her eyes peering up at me patiently. 

“I don’t truly know if it would be right to, even if there was a possibility.”

Her lips flatten out in a line, one corner of her mouth tugging in for a half grin. “In that case, I hope whatever the outcome is happens to bring you whatever clarity you’re looking for.”

I bring a hand to the side of her face, seeing her eyes eagerly dip back down to my lips. I leaned in once more to see she had just enough lust stored up for one more kiss, our lips lingering as they broke away slowly for our eyes to meet once more. “I appreciate it.” I tell her, checking the time to see how late it had become. I rise from her lap, grabbing her hands and helping her to her feet as well. “I appreciate  _ this _ as well, Margot. It served as a nice distraction.” She mentions as I near the door, which opens to my side. A swell of cool air meets my backside, meeting the thick layer of warmth we had created that coated the walls of the room. I lend her a curt nod. “I agree.”

I smile sweetly once more, a grin plastered on her face as her eyes are pulled tightly within her own innebreation. I leave the room and head into mine next door, the absence of warmth as I enter reminds me of how isolated it felt to be so disconnected from the Commander. As if this were some kind of sick metaphor I was supposed to become used to.

I lied in bed musing outward, my surprisingly calmed state gnawed away from the newly established feelings of guilt. I pondered if it would always be like this, looking towards others to fill the void in my chest, always counting on someone else to determine my mood. How distracted I could fool myself in order to forget about the Commander for a while, setting aside notions of what could have been.

—————————————

Sleeping throughout the night wasn’t as difficult as the last time I had slept on the Finalizer, but it still held some difficulties throughout the duration of my time. I had woken up a few times, tossing and turning until I had found a comfortable enough spot to fall back asleep. I wrote off the bad night’s sleep because of the lack of comfortability the bed offered me, but as much as I tried to believe that, I knew it was because of the Commander and the unsettled ground we stood upon.

I had dreamt of him a number of times throughout the night, as well as the previous night in my quarters on the Death Star. Nightmares of Khan, the sound of the lightsaber passing through his body. I dreamt the Commander wouldn’t let go of me, holding me back and keeping me away from observing the corpse across the room. This had hurt, waking up and desperately trying to fall back asleep, hoping to dream more peacefully. I secretly hoped the Commander could sense my struggles, reaching out to smoothen them out as he had used to 

Falling asleep the second time had proven to be a bad idea, as the next dream wasn’t a nightmare, but the feelings stirred within me made me wish to never return to the present. I envisioned Commander Ren, absent of the black clad uniform he always adorned, never having seen him in anything else. He wore a simple off white shirt with tanned pants, no kind of weapons attached to him in sight. 

His face displayed a more obvious amount of facial hair, his eyes lacking the ominous pools of darkness that I had unknowingly grown used to. The beauty marks that dotted his face seemed to stand out better against his colored skin, having spent more time in the sun. The worry lines around his eyes and mouth were not as prominent as they once were, the only noticeable ones came from when he displayed a glowing smile.

As detailed as he was, my dream held no context. I didn’t see where he was, I didn’t notice what he had been doing, but it seemed too nice to simply forget. This was something I didn’t want to wake from, knowing I would be faced with who he really was once I had awoke. I wouldn’t have minded staying on whatever plain this version of Commander Ren had existed, almost too lifelike to be brushed off as a dream. He had never mentioned anything, only ever standing, seeming to be at peace.

I closed my eyes as I sat up in my bed, picturing him in a better place than where he was now, physically and mentally. I knew this was something I would remember for a long time, using it to think back on to calm myself down. Maybe this could be what I use to keep him out, in a way. Believing he could achieve this version of himself if I kept a distance from him. This version of him could be what he has to achieve on his own, devoid of standing in the way of him. I knew I cared for him and wanted him to become what I had dreamt of. If there was a possibility for him to be  _ happy  _ someday, moving on from the Order, I could comply with his wishes.

I cleaned myself up in the sink, taking my hair down from its bun and combing through the long strands gently, taking my time as I felt the ship revving down, getting ready to begin lowering down to the planet below.

I pulled my hair into its usual ponytail, keeping a long strand out to tuck behind my ear. A hairstyle I had kept with me since I was young, keeping a long strand framing the side of my face for times I ever grew anxious and needed something to toy around with. I stopped as I became older, gaining more responsibilities and losing time to even remember the silly little habit. I twirled it around in my fingers for old time’s sake, feeling as if I could kick start the habit all over again.

I exited my room just as I noticed the ship was lowering, veering to the right and passing by Sola’s room, having not thought back to her since entering my room last night. It was a sweet and eventful half hour of heated kissing, but it served me no more than just that. My thoughts still wandered toward the Commander, wishing her lips were his. That her small hands on my body would pale in comparison to his own, covering much more ground than she ever could. 

I found her and the troopers in the armory room as I finished the thought, readying themselves with firearms and securing their armor tighter. Sola’s head whips to me as the troopers reside behind her, recognizably relieved to see me compared to the Commander. I waltz by her side, nodding to the troopers surrounding us. “Good morning, or should I say, good night?” She quips at my side.

“I really couldn’t tell you the time on this planet.” I laugh, removing my eyes from hers and fixating them on an electro staff. I feel the ship touch down onto the land below us as I secure the staff to my hip, repeating my usual routine, three knives like last time. I ditch the blaster that I had reached for once before. He had never said it, but I assumed the Commander didn’t think there was any need for me to use it as long as I wielded the force. My jaw tightened at this discovery, appeasing him even when we were actively keeping away from each other.

“Did you sleep well?” She timidly asks as I stick the third and final knife in its holster, her voice timid and kind as she reaches for a blaster to fasten to her hip. “As well as you can in these beds.” I retort, earning joyous laughter from her end to which I join in on. Some of the troopers snicker in the background, audibly agreeing.

The sound of a throat clearing breaks the laughter within the room, I turn my head to the doorframe to see Captain Peavey standing rather uncomfortably as he awaited our attention. His arms are drawn back behind his body as he stands tall, but his legs remain antsy as the tips of his boot pats onto the floor worriedly.

“Our Commander has exited the ship and is waiting outside.”

I bare my teeth as I reposition the knife in its holster, rolling my eyes as I had angrily motioned it out of its spot the tiniest bit. I made sure all knives were fixed in their place, weary of using the force to release one, all while giving myself away and the extent of my force sensitivities to the Order. The thought of the Commander, impatiently waiting for us outside brings a slight blush to my cheeks, finding the comedy of it all. As angry and conflicted I was toward how I felt for him, knowing he was starting his day ticked off brought me great amusement, knowing it was well deserving, but also aware that he could handle it.

Upon Peavey’s proclamation, everyone within the room scattered about, putting on the finishing touches to adorning their belts with weapons, cocking their rifles and blasters while adjusting them wherever needed. Sola quickly adds another knife and a few different gas and flash grenades. I for one, was in no kind of rush.

The troopers hastily exited, Sola following behind them and sending me a worried glance. I followed in pursuit as we sailed down the hallway, the pace the troopers had created had been much faster than I was planning, but regardless, I followed. I hear multiple sets of boots briskly thudding in unison against the metal ramp, feeling the humid Rodian air making its way into the ship as I begin my descent. 

I send a small smile to Peavey before I leave him in the entrance of the ship, cruising my way down the ramp, taking my time as I took in all Rodia had to offer. As we were outside, I felt the full extent of the heavy humidity that blanketed over me, immediately creating a discomfort as I felt how quickly my uniform began to stick to my skin.

As well as how humid this swamp planet felt, there was a visible, thick layer of fog casted around us in all directions, making it difficult to see any further than around twenty feet ahead. The sky was gray and dim, but to my amusement there was a good amount of greenery to be seen from the jungle, despite the murky water that followed. As much flora there was to be seen, the encompassing sound of fauna alluded to the fact that we weren’t ever truly alone, as many different types of insects and animals surrounded us.

“I don’t appreciate slowing us down, Commandant.” The Commander declares through his damned helmet as soon as my boots touched down onto the softened dirt. I bit down on the inside of my cheek for what seemed to be the millionth time, holding back comments I had only  _ wished  _ I could make. 

We were, it seemed to be, no longer friends, which alluded to the fact that if I openly disrespected him in front of others, there would be consequences to pay. Seeming that he felt no remorse when making me trip and skid to my knees on the treadmill, I only figured he wouldn’t mind making an example out of me as his personal practice doll in front of Sola and the DT division.

I envision the calmed and harmonious Commander Ren from my dreams, fueling me forward to keep a distance while remaining respectful. The best outcome for him was in his sights, I needed to keep the path clear for him to follow. I did want what was best for him, beneath the compacted annoyance and anger I had stored up for him alone.

“My apologies Commander, it will not happen again.” I responded back, the most professionally and respectfully I most likely had ever directed his way. He stands still for a moment, eyeing me down as I let my eyes wander to the foliage behind him, growing a bit excited to be amongst  _ life  _ for once. He takes a second to keep up his stare before turning in the opposite direction and beginning his charge into the jungle ahead.

Our journey was quiet and careful, Rodia was a jungle planet home to Rodians, who we were not always on the best terms with. The lonesome desert of Tatooine had provided us with stealth unlike any other planet, hiding behind sand dunes to remain discrete. Here in the jungle, we still had the upper hand to remain hidden, but there was a better chance of coming across a Rodian than there was finding the Resistance base, or a smaller refuge at that.

We had taken to the expansive jungle since the tip had stemmed from deep within the brush, but also because major towns and cities of Rodia were covered by large environmental domes. The only entry allowed was for the vehicles and the citizens that belonged to it, a highly unlikely spot for Resistance members to seek refuge.

Silently, I trudged behind the Commander, Sola following behind me and leading the DT division. At this point we were around two hours into the jungle, having taken no breaks, only lefts and rights to wind us even deeper into the expansive jungle. I continuously wiped the sweat from my brow, unsticking my collar from my neck as my sweat had begun to soak into my clothing. As a pleasant way to distract myself from the relentless humidity, I focused on the greenery as I passed it, revelling in the colors and the smells different plants give off. I wanted  _ nothing  _ more than to stop and enjoy what the jungle had to offer, hardly ever having the time on a mission to take in the scenery.

Living the main entirety of my life on a ship in space most definitely gave me a better appreciation of different climates, as well as cleaner air that some planets supplied me with. I suppose I took a liking to the flora of the jungle because of my upbringing, faint memories of my mother and father surrounded by greenery. Tall, green grass and warm orange skies as the sun retreated at the end of the day were some of my fondest memories, a sharp contrast to what my life had grown to be. 

As I became older and advanced through the Order, I gained access to different databases, enabled to search the different planets and their descriptions to find what best compared to my memories of my home planet. I had a few ideas, but none of them struck me down as  _ the  _ planet I had grown up on for a few short years. Although it was a long-shot, I remember the names of the planets, far and wide, that met the description I could recall. I saved them in the back of my mind for a day that I hoped to come, where I could finish my duties with the Order and be relieved of my duties. That would be the time I took to those planets, getting to see them for myself, hopefully jogging my memory a bit better. I suppose I would settle down wherever I saw fit, but I knew wherever I was to end up, it wouldn’t lack what I have longed for ever since I was taken away as a child.

The Commander stops up ahead, my boots hastily following along and pressing deeper into the softened soil beneath me, almost failing to notice his sudden halt. I began to worry my thoughts had grown too introspective and relentless for him to follow along with, silently waiting for his outburst that I would have to handle with care, admitting and agreeing to whatever he saw fit. Anything to keep his anger at bay, for the betterment of us both.

He carefully turns around to face me, as well as everyone else following behind us. 

“ _ Carefully,  _ flank to the right as I go left.” He preaches quietly, his helmet placed on me, then to Sola and the troopers, then returning back to me. I give him a terse nod as he motions the troopers to follow behind him, taking one half as Sola and I take the other. I am somewhat surprised he didn’t  _ force  _ me to follow along with him as he had last time, my mind raking over how different things were between us. He either felt I was no help to him, or I would lead the others on the opposite side as he took care of things his way. Maybe both.

Patiently, Sola and I step through the brush and to the right, the troopers following silently in tow. I keep a watchful eye out when I choose the placement of my boots, wanting to remain as discreet as possible while flattening out a path for the others to follow. I pick up on Sola’s nervous energy that looms against my backside, apprehensive and self conscious. I wish there were time for me to ease her worry, but the stakes were too high, she would have to find a way to self soothe. 

_ That mound of vegetation, up ahead. _

My body flinches upon hearing him, my arms recoiling at my sides, my hand gripping my electro staff even tighter. I begin to feel whatever he had felt from before we had split up, gently motioning the energy to me. It fills me to the brim as I understand where the base is now located, but it also overwhelms me as this was the first time he had actively reached out to me since he had severed the tie between us. Strangely, I felt emotional while basking in what he sent me, purely informational, as we were on a mission. I couldn’t help but feel somewhat relieved he had sent me _something,_ showing me that the tie wasn’t as severed as I once thought. There _was_ still something between us.

I can see the mound of vegetation uniquely disguised as a hut within the earth, clearly having picked up on it while nobody else could. I can see him stalk through the tall leaves and towering plants that surrounded us, using the thick trees as a refuge, the sheet of fog layering the air making it exceptionally difficult to keep track of him.

_ Stay right there, do not advance further unless I say so. _

I acknowledge what he sends to me, although he is too far to recognize the nod of my head. I am far too timid to reach out to him through the force, almost feeling wrong to do so. Like I would be infringing upon the prior agreement I had made with myself. It was too risky, letting myself get tied up in him any further than I already was. 

The Commander and half of the division that follows him makes no kind of recognizable sound as they methodically step through the brush, advancing closer to the hut. All I hear is the labored breaths from Sola, to which I turn and lend a friendly smile in her anxious time of need. Before she returns the smile I whip my head to the side as soon as I hear the crunch of a leaf, my heart soaring as my eyes met those of a Resistance member, the insignia patched onto their jacket with pride. 

As I know Commander Ren had yet to make his way inside the hut, I snapped my electro staff outward, hesitant to ignite it as I brought my finger to my lips, deadpanning toward the girl, most likely around my age. Her breathing nearly stops as she notices me, her face losing all distinction of color. She remains quiet to my surprise, her eyes finding it hard to leave my own. My finger itches over the button that would switch the staff to life, reading and apprehending the girls facial structure, studying each and every muscles as it twitches in fear, waiting for her to do something,  _ anything  _ stupid.

Her eyes flash away from me and toward the hut, the shine to the Commander’s helmet reflecting back toward us, even disguised within his hood. Just as I noticed her chest rising from the sudden intake of air, following her parting lips, I suppressed a groan as I flicked the staff on and jolted my arm out to swing through her neck. I switched it off as soon as it passed through every ligament, afraid of the snapping current alluding to our whereabouts for anyone else within earshot. 

I take one giant step forward and kneel to the ground, catching the severed head in my hands as Sola lunges forward to steady the headless corpse that had begun to fall. Eagerly, I look in the direction of the Commander who had just begun to enter the hut, never having made enough noise to give him away. I suck in a quick breath before chaos ensues.

The roar of the Commander’s lightsaber tears through the expansive jungle, the red glow illuminating every crack and crevice of the hut and spilling out to cast a scarlet hue within the fog. Men and women scream, blaster fire sounding off within the hut, holes blasting through as new entry ways for smoke to billow through. I hear no audible sounds from the Commander, assuming we had the upper hand. I notice a stray Resistance member escaping through a big enough hole created in the side, one of the troopers sending a shot through the air to wound the man, watching him cascade through the tall leaves and down to the soil below.

I keep an eye out for anymore as I approach him, keeping my attention up for any more escapees or rogue members that could pop up out of the woodworks. The man groans in pain, gripping the side of his thigh, already stained with a beautiful dark red, soaking into the Resistance patch tailored onto his pants.

“Feeling cooperative today?” I ask him, reeling my head outward as my hand tightens around my staff while I stood as his feet. Cursing to himself, he rolls over to better face me, tight blonde curls and blue eyes meeting mine. I watch as he sucks in a breath to only spit on my boots, a grin forming. A sick smile twists across my lips as I step in closer, wiping my boot on the material of his pants.

_ You are ordered to stay back until I tell you otherwise. _

My smile falters the faintest bit, shaking it off directly before raising my boot to his wound and stepping into it slowly and carefully, taking my time to apply pressure as his voice raises in disapprovement. “You sick bitch.” He utters as he exhales, baring his teeth to me as they grind with such strength. I frown, clicking my tongue against my teeth, his hands grabbing my ankle to try and shove me off. “How would you know that? You haven’t even answered my question yet.”

Sola steps to my side and examines the man on the ground, eyeing his wound. “That doesn’t look good, Commandant.” She muses, her face twisting in a disgusted reaction, amusing my game. “Right you are, Officer.” I agree as we both continue to study the man and how he twists in pain beneath my boot. “If you tell me where the main base is located, I can ensure your safety.” I tell him, remaining sweet and as convincing as I could manage. I see he is nowhere near as compliant as I need him to be, so I begin to improvise.

“Would you check and see if the Commander has gathered any intel?” I turn and ask Sola, screams and blood-curdling cries reigning through the jungle as I received a nod from her. She cautiously makes her way around the hut to enter, surely wondering how the steps she took could be her last. I check behind me, the troopers surveying the land around us for any other Resistance members. I crouch down, placing a hand on the side of his face and fighting to keep it there as he struggles away from me. I positioned the ignited staff just below his neck, shooting him daggers to remain motionless as it was in his best interest.

I am successful in peering into his mind, seeing he had only ever been stationed at this Resistance base, or the even smaller one that had already been torn apart on Arkanis. It looked like he had left a few days before the raid, arriving here to gain a better, stronger base to ward off others like us, which had clearly proved to be unsuccessful. 

Amongst the boring life he had led up until this point, there is one familiarity I pick up on, noticing he had met a fellow force user, the  _ woman _ that had practically slain Captain Phasma. I recognize the same energy I gathered from peering into our late Captain before she had succumbed to her injuries in the med bay. This man had only ever spoken to the force user in passing, never discussing future plans, only sheltering her and the older man,  _ Skywalker, _ for a day or so before they had left. Nothing amongst his memories gave me any insight to where they might have gone, only giving me the information of her voice, different from others, a distinguishable accent compared to most.

I pull away in anger, the man not giving me much, but offering all he had regardless. I was supplied with  _ something  _ to go off of about the woman, a possible something I could have simply asked the Commander about, but alas, this was not enough to warrant sparing his life.

Taking to my feet, I took the electro staff in both hands and he stared up at me in horror, most likely recognizing I was somewhat versed with the force. “The First Order thanks you for the  _ slim  _ amount of information you have provided us with today.” 

Growing tired of his facial expression, I quickly jutted my staff downward to slice through his throat, digging into the soil beneath him and putting his yells to an abrupt end. I scowl as I watch his eyes grow lifeless, his gaping mouth slowly closing as his jaw relaxed. Sola rounded the corner of the hut and back to me, her demeanor visibly disturbed as troopers began to make their way out of the hut. Her mouth hangs open as she searches for words to go off of, but she merely shakes her head as she gives up. I pass by her and the troopers, the saber’s glow pinching its way through the cracks of the hut and illuminating my uniform. 

I cautiously approach the entrance of the hut and brace for whatever I’d find; the cloth covering the door is tattered and singed, falling apart and landing amongst the soil as I step inside. I find the Commander by himself, leaning up against one of the tables, his saber still glowing bright and illuminating the room with such a deep red. Bodies lined the floors, scattered about on tables and chairs, halves of bodies on the counters as the other halves were pummeled into the ground. His frame is somewhat hunched, those broad shoulders that kept him upright so often were slouching as his body pants from fighting.

I look over him, my eyes squinting from the harsh intensity of how bright the saber illuminated every inch of the hut. The connection between us was muted, giving me nothing to go off of, leaving me to normal human conversation in order to gain information.

“Are you injured?” I ask him hesitantly, while keeping my voice professional. His mask stays set on staring at my boots, not moving an inch. He switches his lightsaber off, the red glow dying off to leave the only natural light peeking through the entry way as well as the cracks and holes lining the hut in all directions. I then take notice of the  _ blood _ covering the ground, lining the furniture, spackled and dotting every inch of the walls and ceiling. His uniform was covered in it, head to toe, easily masked by the sabers scarlet glow. I frown, unsure what he was doing, so I go to fill the silence.

“I didn’t gather much, I only know  _ she  _ was here a few days ago. Did you find-”

A single beat.

“I told you to stay  _ put. _ ” He objects low, so low that it almost came out as an inaudible buzz from the vocoder. My eyes bat a few times as I think of what to say, finding it immensely difficult as his helmet rises to meet my face.

“One of them escaped, I stopped him.” I clarify, clearing my throat to put an end to my stammering reply. He continues to take me in, sliding off the table and standing tall. I feel my hands develop the beginnings of a slight tremble as I stand before him, my mouth growing dry as he takes a step toward me. It appears he steps up to me to mention something, but to my surprise he keeps silent, his glare still pinning my eyes to his helmet.

The rough material of his cape brushes against my shoulder as he passes me to exit the hut, leaving me alone with the many bodies decorating the floor. I fight off the desire to groan, reluctant to understand that these were the kind of interactions that lie ahead in our professional relationship. If only I were granted access to his mind once more, a way I could peer into him and find the answers I needed, recognizing what had made that prior conversation  _ so  _ unbearable to experience.

The split side of me whispered these notions, while the other half of me argued there was no need to worry myself about future interactions with him, there was a job to do. Intel out there to be gathered, making it much harder to find if my head was permanently caught in the clouds above. As much as it bugged me, as much as it caused me to stay up late at night  _ wondering _ , there wasn’t anything more I could do about our situation. After all, he seemed not to be bothered by these new conditions between us the slightest bit.

After a minute or two by my lonesome, I left the hut behind to find the Commander and the troopers conversing, to my surprise. He turns my way as I approach the group. 

“We’re done here, head back.” He proclaims to the group, Sola’s head snapping to mine with as much confusion as she is willing to display in front of the Commander. My brows furrow, licking my lips to ready myself to speak up. I have to dig deep within myself, remembering I was not just some inexperienced stormtrooper talking out of line, or even a Major with too many opinions. I had more experience than that, more seniority to voice my thoughts.

“We’ve only found one hut.” I question, knowing well enough that the jungles of Rodia were an excellent place to hide within, giving the potential for many more bases home to Resistance members, maybe even  _ the  _ main base. But of course, I didn’t have to voice this to him, as he could read my thoughts before I spoke them. His body turns toward me, giving me his full attention. I put on my best poker face for Sola’s sake, not wishing to alarm her any further than my sudden comment had already made her.

“You’re questioning my reasoning, Commandant?” He insinuates, his anger surely rising. I press my lips flat and struggle out a calmed breath. “I’d never, Commander. I only assume the jungle could provide us with more than one flimsy base.” I placated as carefully as I could, never wishing to fill him with such anger. With the shake of his head, he lets his gaze trace over the land around us.

“There is no need.” He insists, leaving it at that and taking steps back the way we once came, following our trail of many footprints that led us here. I stood my ground, quickly deciding this was the hill I was willing to die on, truly believing there was more for us on this planet than he was accepting. “If we stuck around, surely we could find s-”

“It’s not  _ worth  _ it, Commandant. I will not tell you this again.” He strains, his back still facing me as he stops dead in his tracks. I can feel Sola’s nervous energy pooling from around her, as well as the muted connection between the Commander and I, wanting so badly to be felt. I freeze in my own spot amongst various plants and shrubs, my breathing having turned irritated and ramped up. I bite my tongue and subdue the idea of telling him how stupid of a call this was to make, but I suppose it was only ever  _ him  _ calling the shots after all.

I hear an audible scoff as my body is forcefully forced forward, pulled through the tall leaves and vines hanging from the trees and abruptly set down directly in front of the Commander. My head lolls around on my shoulders as I rub my head, nauseated and dizzy from such a sharp and assertive pull. “If you truly find no threat here,  _ you  _ can lead us back to the ship.”

I huff as I let my eyes settle and refocus on him, giving him the slightest sneer. My lips quiver into an angry frown as I, time and time again, leave what I  _ wish  _ to say on the back burner while remaining quiet. Supplying him with no fuel to continue his fire.

I start our journey back to the ship at my own pace, speeding it up as I feel the Commander’s footfalls nearing closer and closer on my heels. Ultimately in fear of being run over and flattened like an insect beneath him. Despite leading the way for one of the most powerful, if not, intimidating figures in all of the galaxy, I still found peace in observing the nature surrounding us. 

When I wasn’t wiping myself off of the sweat covering every inch of my skin, I took in the clean, but still humid air. I grow a bit solemn on our walk back over the spanse of an hour, wishing for just five unrelated work minutes to better examine the leaves below, appreciating  _ life, _ maybe taking a cutting from a vine to propagate back in my office. 

Every so often I extend a hand out, brushing the tips of my fingers against the smoothened out leaves at my sides. Nothing back on the Death Star was lively, surely a place where dreams went to die off. The time spent on Rodia seemed uneventful, but it was still a treat for a change of scenery, a breath of fresh air, visually stimulating while-

I am quite literally pulled out of my thought bubble, the Commander using the force to fling my body behind him just as I begin to pick up on the energy of those who had us surrounded. I hear the crack of his saber buzzing to life in front of me before I am even able to hit the ground. Immediately following my impact, I hurriedly equipped my electro staff, jumping to my feet and crouching down in front of Sola that had, thankfully, followed my lead.

The Commander’s body provided me with a sturdy shield to cover my front, but mine and everyone else’s sides were left utterly exposed to the jungle. Birds above us cry out as they fly by, picking up on the Rodian’s language chanting all around us. The Commander’s breathing has grown so loud that it isn't too difficult to notice through his vocoder, stepping backward and closer to me as his cape skims the side of my leg. 

The first pair of Rodians make a run for us, the troopers swiftly stepping in and delivering blaster wounds faster than they could reach us. This gets the ball rolling, dozens of Rodians appearing from the thick and bushy vegetation they had used as coverage from. The reptilian humanoid species ranged from all different kinds of sizes, some tall and lanky, some shorter and stalkier. The Commander lunges out to his right, attacking three of them head on. Two dash for me and I waste no time spinning on my heel, kicking a leg out and knocking the pair down to the ground. I eagerly straighten out and slice their necks with ease, like they had been lined up for me to do so.

Most had spears to fight with, making combat a bit easier compared to other situations I had been in previously. I duck as a third surprises me from my blind spot, their spear whizzing over my head with great anger fueling the attack. I rise as the force of the swing continues on, twirling my staff and taking its head off before it had the chance to turn around. I almost failed to notice the next three that had been running toward me, their skin effortlessly blending in with the vegetation that surrounded us. One swings it’s weapon as another one sends a smooth kick to take my legs out from beneath me. The spear tears through the fabric covering my bicep, skimming the skin ever so faintly. From my spot on the ground I snap my wrist out, the blade from my staff cutting one of them down by a good foot, a clean slice to separate its body above the knees. The creature cries out as I am delayed somewhat from the fall, two of the Rodain’s taking me by both of my shoulders.

As I lay on my back, they begin to attempt to drag me away, and I lunge my feet into the air, prying their arms off of my and stabbing one through the chest with my electric current. The second one panics, grabbing my staff and trying to pry it out of my rigid hands. I follow with the Rodian’s attempt, using it against him as I pull the staff from the first one, and impale the second through the lower abdomen. 

I huff as I lay on the ground, taking only a millisecond of time to myself before jumping back to my feet, immediately lunging to the left to block an attack on Sola, whose back was turned and entertaining hand to hand combat with a Rodian. I turn to see our fearless Commander, taking care of himself with no problem in sight, his hands on the back of the creature’s neck to send the base of his skull against his knee. The creature falls amongst the plants as the Commander’s gaze settles upon me. 

There is a single moment of harmony within the stare we held, neither of us fighting off the creatures of the jungle. Not exactly thinking anything in particular, just touching bases, in a way, without use of words. I nod my head in the direction behind him, to which he aptly thrashes his saber into the Rodian that had run up behind him, putting him to a dead stop.

The gaze we had been holding breaks as we hear more yells and chants roaring from behind the trees and bushes in the distance, a kind of battle cry that could make the hair on the back of your neck stand straight, or the blood in your body grow ice cold. It was incredibly obvious we were now outnumbered, those closing in on us more heavily guarded than we had apprehended. 

“RETREAT.” The Commander bellowed throughout the jungle, his echo resounding through the vegetation and bouncing off of the trees. I knew the Commander, or myself, was unlikely to ever back down from a challenge; the opportunity to  _ kill _ for our cause, exercising our talent and reigning victorious over our enemies. It was an old saying, as far back as I could remember hearing it, or being taught in my childhood; the best fighters knew when they had given enough. The amount of Rodians that had spotted us were far too many for what we had to offer, a death wish, surely. It didn’t matter if we had killed hundreds of thousands of their species in the past. If we were outnumbered, there was no chance in all of the galaxies we would make it out alive.

The Commander takes off running and I follow in pursuit, Sola following behind and what was left of the stormtroopers far in the back. Howls and yells cry out all around us, closing in on our sides as our run had turned into a sprint; I watch the Commander swing his saber left and right to meet the alien species that dared to lunge for him. One on my left side attempted to catch up to me, but Sola acts quick to send fire through the creature’s skull, leaving a large hole between its darkened eyes. I never was one to gloat about speed, as my tall frame hadn’t often been the fastest, but not the slowest. Commander Ren put everyone else to shame, very obviously slowing down to keep himself in our sights. There was a definite chance he could choose to speed off and leave us all behind, high-tailing it to the ship and leaving us to die.

Commander Ren comes to a complete stop as I had become so caught up in my thoughts; my boots skid and slide across the soil and crash into his backside, nearly knocking me to the floor. His body swivels around to me as I peer past him. The Rodians had chased us right where they wanted, leading us straight for a cliff that overlooked the vast amount of swampy water and the mess of vegetation below, hazed by the veil of fog dragged over the landscape.

The creatures catch up to us and waste no time to continue the fight, jumping and latching onto most of the DT division, putting up a great struggle against one another. I take a step forward to be reeled back by the Commander, saber set ablaze at his side as he places himself in front of me and wields his saber rhythmically through the bodies of the Rodians, showing much more brutality than they could conjure up. Each twist of the blade slayed whoever set their eyes on him, making the mistake to contend with his saber.

I observe Sola’s fight, growing tired as she defends herself from the reptilious creatures. The Commander has noticeably lost a good amount of stamina, giving the Rodians more of a chance to better land a blow on him. Blasters sound out through the trees from far off in the distance, I dodge the fire and begin to move out from behind the Commander, unable to stand by as we are severely overtaken. 

The Commander’s helmet finds me as I hastily grab a blaster from a fallen trooper, firing those off in the distance that were showering us as if we were target practice. Commander Ren now fights off  _ seven  _ Rodians all circled around him, taking a few blows here and there as he viciously mows through them, guiding the force to slam one into the other. I take down four or five of those who had taken shelter behind the tall grass, only to see more pop up in their place. It didn’t matter how many we killed, it seemed that those who fell had spawned five more in their absence.

I plunge my staff through the chest of one, kicking the knees of the one that had run up behind me, slicing down my back with it’s spear. I yell out as I feel the sting run down my spine, in return feeling the connection between the Commander and I begin to hum more noticeable than it had the past few days. I whip around and punch the Rodian in the face, rough and scaly as the skin on my knuckles broke against it, reopening. The creature falls to its knees as it cries out, giving me time to retract my staff from the creature behind me, letting me decapitate the one in front of me. 

I take too long to stand, a leathery green arm snatching my chin upward from behind as the forearm presses against my throat. I gave off a constrained yelp as the pressure on my windpipe was too severe to utter a word. I bit the hand that covers my mouth, my teeth tearing through the skin and separating flesh from bone. The taste of blood pools inside of my mouth, forcing me to gag as I continue to crunch downward. I lean forward and send the Rodian over my shoulders and onto its back, leaning to the side to grab my staff, raising it high into the air and jamming it into the creature’s throat. Cough and gurgles are made out as I notice the next one coming for me before I had yet to gather to my feet. 

This next Rodian is faster and larger, springing onto me and crushing me down against the soil. The dirt sticks to the tacky blood covering my face, the hefty reptile’s weight flattening me out and stealing my breath away. I scream with the remainder of breath in my lungs, unable to get him off of me.

My savior, the Commander had heard my plea, the Rodian slugged off of my body and set aside. This gives me enough time to suck in a quick breath, swinging a leg over them to jump on their back, shoving my hand into the holster that held one of my knives. The creature rises to its feet as I stay glued to its back. I duck as blasters fire over the top of my head, the creature standing directly in the line of fire. A few blasts hit him, one that pierces through his leg skims my own, ripping the material of my pants and sending a wave of heat through my body.

I press the knife against the Rodian’s throat, beginning to saw back and forth against the leathery exterior. I pierce through the skin, its cries alarming those around us. I saw faster, my hand rubbed raw against the handle of the knife. The creature reaches around to grab me, frantically trying to get me off of its back, digging its sharp nails into my arm at work. Blood spills from the wound, coating my hand and my knife. I continue to carve into them, pressing my eyes shut and leaning my head into the back of its neck, pushing forward with all my strength despite how awfully I was dying to stop and rest.

I let up as the creature topples to its knees, its neck growing slack from loss of blood. I jump off and see only a few troopers left, some of the creatures grabbing arms and legs and towing the bodies further into the brush. “Bastards!!” I scream, running full force toward one that was stealing the body of an old student of mine from years ago. I kick the creature’s chest, my boots sending them backward and into a tree, knocking them unconscious.

I have to leave my student’s body behind to brace myself for two more Rodians charging toward me, twirling my staff between my fingers to swing outward. A third Rodian runs into my side, tackling me to the ground. I shimmy beneath him, my head turning against the soil to find a lone blaster that wasn’t in use. I press the weapon against the creature’s head and pull the trigger, pushing his body off of mine as the two above me grab my arms, taking my staff.

At this point, fighting has grown old. My lungs burn, my body aches and my mind is tired of keeping up with the hoards of Rodian’s we had run into, never seeming to stop multiplying. I thrash my body, looking around to see Sola was caught between four others. I yank an arm free, punching outward and grabbing a fist full of the creature’s clothing. I shove him away as I sling a leg out, tripping the other. I shot the one before me in the chest, aiming at the second to only hear the empty click of the barrel. The blaster was out of ammo.

Weapon in hand, I leap for the second Rodian, straddling its waistline as they wriggle beneath me. I raise the blaster above my head, bringing it down and bludgeoning into the creature’s scaly green skull. Its arms punch my stomach and my chest, knocking the wind out of me. Despite this, I am relentless, smashing the weapon down and clobbering its face in. I get a tad carried away, blood splattering across my uniform and my face; continuously pummelling away until its face has a noticeable dent, body growing lifeless. 

To my horror, I see the Commander completely outnumbered, blows sent his way he is too preoccupied to deal with, snapping his helmet in all different directions to keep up with the different Rodians. I send my hand out, not caring who was there to notice, pulling a few of them off to buy him time. This doesn’t seem to do the trick, so I run over to him, sliding to the ground to avoid the rounds firing above my head. I dodge fire as I stand, whipping my staff to those around him to lessen the amount. I cut and slice through them as if dividing dinner portions for a full family, bodies dropping like flies, their lives ceasing to exist.

I am backed away from the Commander from my own small army of Rodians, sending kicks and punches left and right, swinging my staff and singeing those who are too far away. I shudder as the blade passes through them, unsure of how long I could keep this up. 

Blaster fire entirely too close for comfort sounds off in the direction of the Commander, seeing that he had been shot a few times in the abdomen. My eyes bulge, watching the fight over the blaster. I shoot my hand out and ward off three of the creatures battling for the weapon, their bodies flinging outward. Some turn on me and leave him be; I hear Sola’s cry from behind me, “There’s too many! Where do we go?”

I whipped around to see how scared her expression had become, far more frightened than she was in the docking bay yesterday, getting an eyeful of the Commander and the extent of his power. Her face was bloodied and a fine layer of dirt covered her skin, a restless pant never ceasing to leave her be. I do all I can, simply sending her an apologetic look, one I didn’t ever send often. One that alluded to the fact that this might be it, the end of our days. What we had signed up for when advancing through the Order. Dying for our cause.

I hear another fire of the blaster behind me, the Commander sent down to his knees as he clutches his stomach. My jaw gapes as a Rodian points the blaster directly at me, as if he had the power to stun me completely. Staring down the barrel of the gun set me in my place, my boots solidified in the soil.

The Commander’s arm springs outward before him, thrusting me out of the line of fire and off to the side as the blast soars through the air. My body rolls, crashing down onto my stomach. My face smacks the ground, breathing in the soil as I watched Sola’s body fall limp to the ground. I rise, struggling to stand as I view her lifeless body from afar, absent of any fight or effort like before.

“Sola!” I screech, my fists balling and clutching the soil between my fingers. I grit my teeth and snap my staff toward the nearest enemy, a sob breaking through my chest at the exact moment my blade coursed through someone else’s. “Damn the gods!” I cry out. I hear Commander Ren’s labored breaths ahead of me, twisting his fingers and snapping the neck of the nearest Rodian. He keels over as more Rodians rush forward, one of them snatching my staff before I realize it wasn’t in my hand. Angered by the sheer magnitude of luck had taken Sola’s life instead of mine, thanks to the Commander, I became unglued, lashing out in all directions. Scaly hands secure around my arms and shoulders as I rage about, dragging me across the dirt as I watch more make their way over to the Commander.

All that is left is him and I, as well as the endless supply of Rodians. I yell and buck against them, struggling to stand as they only pull me more forcefully. Commander Ren’s head rises as I take in account how  _ badly  _ wounded he was, the crimson sign of injury soaking through his uniform, slicking over his gloves as I hear him hacking through his vocoder.

My heart sinks when they kick him while he is down, sending him to his side. He raises a feeble hand, swiping one of the Rodian’s off of their feet to crash into a tree. His arm falls to his side, unable to conjure up anything more. I ball my fists as they are pulled above my head, concentrating on harming at least one of the creatures towing me away. I am far from able to concentrate, too focused on Commander Ren’s safety.

They grab a hold of his shoulders, beginning to pull him backward and further away from me as I am pulled in the opposite direction. They approach the cliffs edge, his limp body allowing them to take him where they pleased. I yell out to him, urging him to fight on, seizing my body against the death-hold of the Rodian’s. I watch helplessly as they position him to the very edge, letting go of him as his frail body rocks backward, lifelessly falling into the fog below.

I released a wanton scream that I had never tapped into before, burning my throat and tearing through my windpipe as I freed it. Pressing my eyes shut tight, I honed in on the force like I had never done before, focusing with more willpower than I ever had in any training session with the Commander. My body pulses and trembles, the Rodian’s hold on me breaking free as they tumble outward and behind me in all different directions. I crawl to my knees, my throat forming a lump as I stand, limping my way toward the edge. I cried out to Commander Ren, peering down and examining the thick layer of fog before me, no telling how far of a drop I was dealing with, as the fog had grown thicker over time, drops of rain beginning to trickle from the sky.

I hear the commotion of more Rodians advancing toward me, closing in on me and giving me no choice but to fall into their clutches once more. I suck in a few breaths of air as I begin to hyperventilate, the edge of the cliff crumbling underneath my boots. I breathe out as my chest stumbles and shakes, placing a foot behind me and closing my eyes as I step off the ledge.

I brace for the fall on the way down and land amongst dampened, leafy plants and softened soil, the landing still unpleasant and jarring as it diminishes whatever breath I had within my lungs. I mewl as I roll over, my eyes unable to open as my body goes entirely numb for a moment, struggling to comprehend what I had just done. Warm rain showers over me, dotting my skin. Realizing  _ why  _ I had jumped, my eyes pry open and are greeted by the gray sky above, stars and spirals my mind had conjured filling my vision. They dissipate as I blink them away, the beginning of a severe headache erupting across the back of my head. 

I roll over and cough, fixating my sight on the Commander’s lifeless body a few feet away from me. I cannot contain the cries I let out as I still see he’s still intact.

I bite my lip and silence myself, pulling my body through the mud and leaves over to him. I hesitantly slipped an arm underneath his backside and secured my other arm over his chest. “Not you too.” I shudder, my lip trembling in fear that I was too late. The heels of my boots dig into the muddy earth to slide us closer to the wall of the cliff, weary the Rodian’s would peer over and see we were still alive. For all they knew, I had killed myself after witnessing the death of the Commander.

I pull him further into a dent against the base of the cliff, almost acting like a cave that wasn’t deep enough to hide in, but good enough to seek refuge from the assailants up above. I lay him amongst the dirt and tall grass, mud covering our bodies. “Ren.” My voice breaks, shaking him. He doesn’t budge, even when I place both hands on his chest and wiggle him around. I see how deep the wounds on his abdomen are, pooling endless amounts of blood. I see the faintest amount of his skin, soaked in the scarlet mess. I grow entirely overwrought, yearning to see his face or any ounce of consciousness he had left in him. “I shouldn’t have questioned you, I should have listened.” I grieve, rubbing the material of my sleeve over my eyes to see him better.

My shaky fingers find their way to his helmet, pressing hard against the latches myself and in return earning the hiss of release, the helmet opening wide enough for me to gently remove it from his head. I toss it to the side, glancing at how pale his face had become, how the layer of sweat stuck his hair to the side of his face. Tears pool in my eyes to see him in such a state, terrified that the strongest person I knew was unable to push any further.

“Ren, please.” I stammer, placing a hand on the side of his face and shaking his head lightly. I watch in wonderment as his brows furrowed together, his eyes squinting. “Ren!” I smile as I continue, coaxing him out of his slumber, growing more anxious to see what his eyes held for me in this moment, hearing  _ anything  _ he had to say. As his eyes open, they are soft and weakened from the fight. Upon focusing, they grow colder, more defended and blocked off. “Please, Commander. There’s no time.” I plead, my hand moving from the side of his face to brush the hair out of his eyes.

“Tell me how to fix this, you never taught me how.” I lament, swallowing down how badly I wanted to cry. I felt an immense loss just by looking at him, unsure how we would find a way out of this one. I couldn’t imagine what would happen if the force finally claimed him. I didn’t know what lied in store for me alone on this planet, but I  _ really  _ worried about what would become of me without him in the Order. I could tell myself I was angry or hurt towards him, but I knew I couldn’t play along with this game forever. It didn’t matter what had happened in the past, now  _ I  _ needed to save  _ him. _

“No.”

I frown, blinking away tears as they finally roll down my cheeks, landing on his chest below. “W-what? You cannot be-”

“I mean it, Commandant.  _ No.” _ He shudders against me, his eyes holding enough anger and validity in them while his body was slack against me. I shake my head, placing both hands over his multiple wounds to block the continuous pour making its way out of him. The substance coats my fingers, staining my hands as I press into the cavity. I can’t help but think of all the people in the galaxy who would kill to have his blood on their hands. I couldn’t imagine why they ever would, no matter how far he had driven me to hate him. I still saw the good in him no matter what.

His mouth remains shut as his eyes peer away from mine, actively ignoring my pleas, shifting in the dirt against me as best as he could. I develop an intense anger for his lack of cooperation, but not as strong as I am petrified of losing him.

“You show me right  _ now,  _ or you are going to bleed out and…” I begin with such conviction, as if I am ordering my students around, but unable to finish my rebuttal as my voice grows hoarse. His eyes make their way back to mine and I let out a sob to see him do so, unable to take another second of the tiresome game we had been keeping up with. He places a weakened hand on my forearm, lacking the strength he always carried with him. His eyes have grown softer as they held mine, silently pleading for my agreement. I become angrier at the sight.

“Damn it Ren!” I cry out, spreading my fingers outward to cover the entirety of his wounds. I wasn’t ending our professional relationship on this kind of note, he would not die in my arms on Rodia. I was not ever going to address the Order of his passing, he would live to address my own. 

I press my lids shut to concentrate, unable to look into the eyes that were accepting defeat.

“Commandant, stop.” He warns weakly, my eyes remaining shut as I let out a steadied breath. I will my energy toward his wound, unable to feel the full extent of his injuries as he had blocked me from experiencing them. The harder I focus, I come to feel more of the pain from his abdomen starting to trickle into me.  _ Finally,  _ what he had been keeping from me for so long, I was inching toward it on my own, without his help.

Focusing harder, I envision summoning all his pain and worry, draining it from him and drawing it within me, all for me to hold onto.

“ _Stop,_ Commandant. That is an order.” He yells more assertive than before, his voice raising and straining his abdomen as I notice the blood rush from the wounds a bit faster. I began to tune in and out, noticing I was fading and pushing harder whenever I snapped back to reality. My limbs shook as I pressed my eyes shut tighter, drowning out his objections. I barely feel the presence of his hands on my arm, gripping me with such intent. I take in all that is hurting him, reclaiming it for myself. As my pain.

His testimony slurs together in my mind, too inaudible to decipher. My head falls with each pulse of his injuries transferring to me, snapping my head back up each time I notice to focus on finishing the job. With one last draw inward into all the pain that lingered within him, my body spasmed out of my control, feeling my arms fall slack against what felt to be his mended abdomen. 

  
“No, no—why.” He stammers in shock, his body tensing up. Dark blotches fill in my vision, my neck losing the strength to keep my head up. “What have you _done,_ why would you do that?.” He utters against me as his voice breaks, beginning to sit up. I faintly smile, the sound of his voice, beautifully illustrious and strong, filling my insides with joy. I barely feel his hands reach the sides of my arms, trying to prop me up straight as I feel myself fading. I part my lips to speak but it is no use, I fall forward and then there is nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How was that!? This was fun to write. I apologize for the late upload, my college classes are starting up again so I had to write this chapter over the span of a few more days compared to usual. I really want to aim to put up a chapter once a week, but I hope everyone understands that it might be a little over a week every once in a while. I hope you enjoyed this long one. Anyone have any ideas of what is to come, or favorite moments within this chapter? Is there anything in particular you wish/hope to see? (I am SURE I can name one thing y'all are dying to see, lmaoo)
> 
> Thank you, thank you, thank you for continuing to read, it makes my day and I love interacting with you guys! <3 xx


	22. Chapter 22

Slow, melodic beeps sing through the space around me, waking me gently. Dim lighting peaks through my lashes as I allow it in, gradually letting my eyes adjust to see the glass dome over my head, taking in my surroundings as my body shivers from the chilled air: the infirmary.

The deep breath of air I take in is effortless, my lungs expanding and retracting with ease. My body has miraculously been stitched up from the wounds I had gathered on Rodia, a vast amount of cords and tubes attached to my arms and abdomen. I recall what I had done for Commander Ren, my last few moments before my consciousness had been swept away remaining too hazy to look back on. My eyes open a bit wider.

Was he alright? Did this work? Had what I done proven to be useful, or had I only put the two of us in an even bigger predicament than the one we were already in? Lifting the glass dome from above my head, I heard the beeps stemming from the machine I was connected to begin to speed up in pace, matching alongside of my heart that had gained speed by the mere thought of him. I sit up and feel the tug of tubes against my skin, pulling each individual wire off and unsticking them from my skin. Carefully, I snaked out the tubes that had been filling my body up with a slurry of vitamins and other medications impertinent toward my recovery.

Standing to my feet proves to be more difficult than I had anticipated, the weight of my body a bit much for my ankles to support. I felt as if I were healed, but what lingered was comparative to laying under a bed of bricks for several hours, taking my strength and stamina away from me. The force around me is in its normal state, but I still lack the connection to the Commander, fizzed out and weak. It doesn’t fill me up and excite me like it once could, stirring up a malcontent mood inside of me. I needed to see him. I pull the dull and gray medical gown closer to my body as the blast doors open, revealing a 3z3 med droid that walks rigidly into the room.

“Commandant, it would be most beneficial to your state if you would remain—”

“I wish to be discharged, regardless of your input.” I interject rather irritatedly, searching around for something to change into. “You sustained several blast wounds to your abdomen, as well as a multitude of lacerations and secondary dermal lesions. You—”

“I  _ don’t  _ need your input. Would you like a formal written letter explaining this?” I snapped as I pulled off the med gown, standing naked before the droid. I scowl, slowly removing my gaze as I carefully pulled my head through a fresh and clean, long sleeved shirt. I leaned my backside against the edge of the bed, pulling my legs through a soft pair of pants, throwing a pair of socks over my feet that had begun to grow cold.

“You died, Commandant.”

I halted my movements, staring at my scuffed up boots as I had begun to put them on. I flexed my jaw, digging my nails into the sheets of the bed as my eyes searched for something before me I was unsure could be found. “How long was I gone.” I impose as more of a comment than a question, finding it tough to believe I had escaped death yet again, feeling undeserving of this life, as so many different things unable to work out for me.

“Our Commander didn’t comment how long; he kept you somewhat stable upon your journey back to the Death Star on his own.”

I suck my lips in, my tongue rolling over them and fighting off a smile. Had I felt thankful for what he had done, or furious toward the conditions that were still set over each other’s acquaintance, both seemed likely. Due to the lack of a connection between us, I assumed there was still work to be done.

“Where is he now?” I requested, trying not to give away how interested I had suddenly become in him, snapping out of my stupor and fastening my boots to my feet. I compelled myself to blink a few times, making absolutely sure this was the present and not some fabricated dream my mind had conjured up due to the strain force healing Commander Ren had taken out of me.

“He took his leave shortly after your deliverance, approximately two days ago.”

I gather to my feet from the edge of the bed, testing out my knowledge of walking the best I could. I let my hand skim over the bed for support, feeling like a small animal learning how to walk for the first time, the ligaments in my legs being put to the test to withstand my weight. I sigh. “That will be all.”

The droid hesitates by the door for a moment, aptly turning around to exit. I sigh, pressing my eyes shut. “Thank you, for everything.” 

The droid passes through the door frame, turning around to send off one last comment. “It seems you have our Commander to thank for your survival, we merely mended you as he had continued your life on the way back home.” 

I think of the hours the Commander had spent keeping me at bay, ensuring I didn’t slip too far into the welcoming arms of death. He must have had to give me all of his attention on the way back, making sure he didn’t give too much of himself so we wouldn’t have a situation similar to how I had found him after I jumped from the cliff’s edge.

I give a faint, diffident smile at the droid before it exits, leaving me to the dark, silenced and cold room. I rub my forehead and muse out to see if there were any shred of a chance I could find him throughout the vast amount of places he could be within the Death Star.

Stillness, hushed and dim is what lies between us, his thoughts and emotions still blocked off from reaching out and transferring to me. Time and time again, this wasn’t something new to me, but still surged through me with disappointment, wishing he would have let up by now. Especially this most recent close call we had barely escaped, especially after saving each other’s lives.

I took a calm, thought out stroll as I left the med bay, staying mindful of my past injuries and walking with caution. I make my way to the training center, checking the smaller rooms to find officers training students of all ages. I flee to the large training room, a hefty class of students who were to become stormtroopers gathering and talking amongst themselves. I turn on my heel and amble toward the cafeteria, a place I didn’t spend too much time, unaware if the Commander spent any of his time here at all. 

The room full of people holds no answers for me, groups sitting at tables and eating their meals, talking about the day or prior missions they had returned from. Their thoughts surge into my mind as some notice me, others so enveloped in their meal they were hardly conversing with those around them. I brush their thoughts off like a pesky insect buzzing around my head, leaving the room and leaning against the wall of the hallway.

I knew my mindset upon arrival to Rodia was set in one direction, ready to cast the Commander out of my life just as he had done for me. After saving this man's life, I found it a bit laborious to go back to that state of mind. I yearned to press onward and see his justifications for blocking me out. If I was going to go back to pretending we  _ didn’t  _ have a connection, more than just the force between us, I needed to make damn sure I wasn’t missing anything. Even if I couldn’t get through to him and there really wasn’t anything meant for the two of us, I at least needed to thank him for saving me, once again. The ache in my heart was too present, too obvious to ignore and carry on with my life, all while knowing there was someone out there who felt very similar to how I did. Someone who understood me, who knew more about me than anyone else. The  _ only  _ person in the galaxy able to read me so thoroughly, while making me feel so safe and steady.

I knew he was cold hearted, a murderer who could never feel a drop of regret for the actions he carried out. I knew he had killed Khan, I knew he had saved my life, ultimately ending Sola’s. He had done bad things, but I wasn’t carrying a clean slate either. I had killed without reason, none other than hatred or malice, or just for  _ fun. _ It had always been dedicated toward the enemy, but I still had done it. Maybe somewhere, deep down, we were more alike than we both recognized.

I perk up as an unsolicited thought pangs my mind, remembering there was a training room off limits to anyone below the Commander’s rank, dedicated to only him and training his knights on his own private floor. I had never been, but I knew I could find it if I looked hard enough, and for me that was enough. I put all my credits on this idea, hoping my hunch was right. Leaning off the wall, I began my journey a handful of floors above the level I was on. It took around twenty minutes, sauntering through some areas that were recognizable, while others held no memory to me. Taking a few strenuous rows of stairs and a couple different turbolifts, eventually I reached the floor I had set out for.

The doors slide open, bringing me to a level I had yet to ever enter in all my time serving under the Order. I take a cautious step outward as the lift swells with cold air, the temperature of the hall feeling much colder than those directly below. My body shivers against my will as I slowly make my way down, looking for the main training room on this level. Everything about this place brooded with an eerie ferocity; if this level wasn’t your stop to get off on, you would quickly close the doors to find the correct one. Nothing about this level was inviting, a grand comparison of what other people thought of Commander Ren.

My heart begins to race as I read the signs motioning me onward to the main training center, unsure of how this interaction would go. The thought of turning back dashes across my mind, but I disregard its vehemency. For the first time, I am finding him, reversing the roles when he had always sought me out,  _ helped  _ me out on his own. This felt like the right thing to do, but gods, did it feel inorganic to be in a place that was not meant for me.

The blast doors slide open just as I approached, revealing who I was looking for, my hunch proving to be correct. He stands, backside toward me, already breathing heavily during his workout as his cape ripples with each shuddered breath. Smashed droids plagued the ground around him as different kinds of staffs were split in two, not made from the kind of material that made this an easy job. The lightsaber at his side surges bright and mighty, his gloved hand grips it with a tightness as if he were truly fighting for his life. I begin to wonder if this was a surprise to him, my sudden entry into an area that didn’t concern me. I think toward the reprimand for such a thing, going against protocol, disobeying the orders that were set in stone.

“I heard every one of your dreams during your stay in the infirmary. I knew you would seek me out before the idea had even skimmed your mind.”

I frown, shaking my head at my stupidity. His tone of voice through the vocoder sounds very matter of fact, like it was too obvious, like I should have already been aware of this. There was some truth to this, how often my thoughts ran across his mind, I should have known he would apprehend my arrival. My fingers play around with the fabric of my pants, growing anxious against how odd of a mood he was displaying.

“You never visited.” I insist.

“I  _ took  _ you there. After saving you.” He informs. The saber at his side dies, latching it to his belt as he turns to face me. I am incredibly displeased to, once again, meet the exterior of his helmet. I worried this conversation would get nowhere, fast. His demeanor stays tall and rigid as he faces me, but his helmet is tilted ever so slightly with interest in the situation.

“I saved you as well.”

“I never asked you to do such a thing.”

My expression sinks, my mouth gaping the slightest as I search his body for his intent. “You’re kidding.” I utter. So this was how it was going to go?

With the shake of his helmet, he retorts, “You were foolish to execute it, foolish to assume you had what it takes.”

“To sacrifice myself for the Commander of the First Order?  _ My _ Commander?” My comment shocks the connection between us to life for a mere moment, obviously settling within him in some way. Putting ownership before such a title was jarring, albeit, sensually stimulating. Ownership of such a man was an outcome not even my wildest dreams could ever assemble. He takes a moment to gather his response.

“You didn’t do this for your  _ Commander.  _ You did this for the man you think I am, the man inhabiting your mind, woven into your thoughts. You thought you could save  _ him _ , not me.”

I scolded him with my stare, knowing well enough I  _ did _ want to see that old Commander once more, the pliable, gentle and calm side I had grown used to before leaving with him for Tatooine. I feel embarrassed for him and every notion he believed was true as he continued on. “The force has convoluted your emotions, guiding you to save me. It was unjust and reckless. You  _ died _ for me because you were manipulated into thinking it was the right choice to make.”

I feel my fury rising, nowhere near the level of understanding I had set out for us to land on. I  _ had _ made the right decision to save him, no matter who he was, I couldn’t have let the Commander of the First Order die when I knew I had it in me to at least try to give my all. Balling my fists at my sides, I speak my mind, tired of dancing around what was wrong between us, wanting to return back to normalcy. “Continue with my training.”

His head motions back, quite surprised by my sudden rebuttal. “Is there an end to your foolishness?” He taunts with a genuine curiosity as if he is on the edge of madness, only fueling my hate for him. I find no comical sense to the situation; I send an arm out, signalling the force to push his body backward. He reacts, his large feet stumbling over each other, gaining his balance and jutting his head upward toward me. I knew there was far more to learn from him, if we couldn’t get along enough to become anything more than just student and master, then I would settle. 

“ _ Train  _ me.”

His boots plant solid on the floor, squaring his shoulders to align with mine. I step forward to see the shake of his head, uninterested but amused. “Even if your point was valid, you think I’d take orders within my own domain?” He snaps, a genuine snarl lacing his words. I was getting to him. Once again, I sent an arm out, knocking him off of his feet. His back is sent hurling away from me, clashing against a practice doll, his body sinking to the floor as I unhinge my jaw to speak.

“You think it’s right to cower away from what we have amongst the force?”

The air is tense, thick enough to reach out and grab a piece to take along with me. I hear his laugh, observing the immediate shot of his arm that followed, motioning outward to pull me to him with the help of the force. My body lunges forward before I can stop it and zips across the room, reeling into his arms with great power. He stops me before I can collide into his chest, his digits sinking into my arms rather harshly to keep my upright as my body settles, coming to terms with how far I had nuzzled my way under his skin right as she chooses to speak. 

“Oh, you really want this? Have at it.”

I stare into the empty expression of his helmet, only for the image to be ripped away from my sight as I am promptly thrown across to the side of the room, my body landing down to the tiled floor. I grunt, observing myself in the reflection below, noticing the Commander had taken to his feet. 

“Lesson one:  _ Respecting  _ your superiors.” He lashes out, moving to my side and bending down halfway. “This isn’t—” I am cut off as his gloved hand grabs a fistfull of my hair, yanking downward for my head to tilt up to better see him. “You’ve struggled with this since day one, I have yet to notice improvement.” He quips, grabbing my shoulder and slinging my body upward, he holds me close before tossing me against the padded wall. I smack the soft padding and yell out in frustration, plopping down to the ground in a ragdoll-like fashion. Mostly dazed and, regretfully, aroused.

“I wonder, would this lesson stick any better if I didn’t heal you after tossing you around for a little longer?” His voice drips with fascination, a slight tug of amusement in his wording. My stomach burns and bubbles up at how sickeningly sweet he could sound, despite his intent to be far from it. I squeeze my eyes shut and suck in a breath to reply, warding off the arousing feelings he had given me while he man-handled my body. Damn the gods, this was not the way I wanted this to go.

“You know this  _ isn’t  _ what I want.” I yell out at him without interruption, rolling over from my back and onto my side. I rest my cheek against the cold, black tiles as his boots come stamping closer, my breath fogging the slates beneath me. “You’re correct. It’s what  _ I  _ want.” He carped from above. Before he was able to get any closer to put a large, demanding hand on me, I summoned an electro staff from the wall to my side, coursing through the air to ignite before it had ever met my grasp. I scoot away from him, pointing the blade in his direction, noticing we always fell into the same, unvarying situation. Angered, fighting, pointing weapons at each other.

“Out of  _ every  _ being in the galaxy, you and I are the worst pair to become linked together as one.” I fume breathlessly as I grow emotional and tired, lying out of complete anger as tears start to line my eyes from frustration. I scramble to my feet, sliding my back against the padded wall behind me, infuriated that I felt such an intense pull toward someone who didn’t always bother to try and see from my point of view. I know he can tell I am lying, but he inflames me by taking the opposite route as he chooses to answer. “I couldn’t agree more.”

I didn’t have to see it, but I could feel the smile that crept upon his lips from behind his helmet. I grimace, my fingers wound tightly around the staff, disappointed in myself for opening up an opportunity only for us to grow further apart. As the staff glows and hums in my grasp, I keep my eyes set on him. I  _ never  _ intended to use the weapon on him, but if he was getting physical, it was best to stay prepared. I am embellished with despair in my attempts to win him back, his friendship, who I knew he was deep down. “Does this not mean  _ anything  _ to you? That I was willing to  _ die  _ for you?” I sputter out to him, the mix of hurt and frustration fueling the intensity and provocation of my voice.

The inner hems of my mind work up all of the feelings I had stashed away that were dedicated to him only, pulling them forth and centering them in my mind to  _ feel. _ I cannot help seeing his current demeanor and comparing it to the Commander I really knew, kind and caring, gentle at times and calculated with his words. I wasn’t going to settle for who he had been around me for the last week or so, I wanted who I had trained alongside for weeks at a time. A friendship blooming bigger and brighter each day, with the man that had saved my life countless times. Pulling me out of nightmares, carrying me to safety. Always keeping an ear turned my way wherever I went, overseeing my safety.

His helmet shifts to the side, eyeing me down with such urgency. “Enough thinking, Commandant.”

I liked that I had some amount of power and was of importance. At the end of the day it still scared me, while also failing to make sense to how I had come this far within the Order. I had progressed so far, further than ever imagining. There was no turning my back on the First Order now, not unless it was through a space shoot. But, if he overlooked me, I didn’t feel as alone in this vast community of ours, as he was working within it as well. I did not feel as helpless and it didn’t matter if I was expendable at the end of the day, because to an extent, he was too. As expendable as I was, he believed I had  _ capability.  _

“I see you have yet to drop this act.” He publicized, his wording a bit breathy as I had transferred all I felt for him out into the force for him to pick up on. I favored the amount of power I had over him, the upper hand I always carried to make him somewhat weak in the knees while analyzing my feelings for him. The first few tears rolled down my cheeks, a chuckle escaping my throat at how well he could side step from the goal I so desperately wanted us to reach, together. The chuckle grows into a hearty laugh, breaking through my chest without permission and shaking my shoulders. He continues to stand and watch, his head cocking over to the side anymore than it was and it would have snapped clear off. I cannot fight it off as the laugh continues and the tears flow freely, taking over me completely as it grows stronger and louder.

All too quickly the scale tips, my laughter transforming into a higher pitch with longer breaths outward. The thin difference between comedy and despair begins to blur, loosely walking the fine line between the two emotions. Sobs ring through the air, my chest unable to steady from my uneven and shaky breathing. The Commander’s shoulders lose their tensity, lowering as he continues to observe my erratic sobs. I placed a hand over my mouth as it was challenging to keep quiet, my face beating red and growing embarrassed of my emotions.

“I am disappointed you still feel this way about me. I feel sorry for you, Commandant.”

I grit my teeth and wiped the tears that stained my face, desperately honing in on any ounce of my anger to stop my cries. “Have you not enjoyed observing what I choose to do with my time, Commander?  _ Entertaining  _ the idea of me?” I let out through stifled breathing, my words incomplete and uneven. I transfer the memory of Sola and I, exchanging kisses in the heat of the moment on the Finalizer. One hot, slippery, lustful mouth on another. I see his stature cower down a bit, losing that cocky attitude that my insides battled over if I loved, or absolutely detested.

“And you?” He begins, taking a moment to still his mind of the images I’ve sent him as he fills with confidence. “You actually believe I can provide you with what you want, in the future.” His voice is a bit lower and calmed, maybe from seeing he had made me cry, or maybe from growing tired of the same old song and dance between us. I release a frown I wish I could have hid away, knowing he wasn’t wrong, but still feeling so misunderstood as I chose how to respond. “I am not denying what I feel,  _ you _ are.”

The staff in my hands is immediately ripped from my tight grip, flying across the room as his arm relaxes at his side once again. I feel another layer stripped away before him, leaving me vulnerable as nothing stood between the two of us. 

“No,  _ you  _ have let the force complicate  _ everything. _ You let it take over you, and now you carry this false impression of me that will  _ never  _ come true, no matter how hard you fight for it.” He spits, his voice raising in validity but not pitch or sound, stepping in closer as I lean off of the wall. I cackle to myself, feeling as if we had been running in circles, achieving nothing for  _ so  _ long. My palm covers my eyes as my head tilts upward to the ceiling, “I care for an absolute fool.” I say just above a whisper, unsure if he detected a word that had been said. I carry on before he can add in.

“You think this is  _ only  _ the force’s doing? No other attributing factors, that is what you truly believe?” I stand in awe as my eyes make their way back to his helmet. Deep down, it was obvious to me that there was more to this, at least coming from my side. I hear the buzz of his vocoder with the beginnings of some snide comeback, but I interject before he could get far enough.

“Take that damned thing off. I want to see your face as you plan out your next lie.”

Now this takes him back, not physically, just mentally. Building a wall between us to grant him enough time for a rebuttal. He stares at me for a long moment, as if he were working himself up, detailing some kind of elaborate response in the confines of his mind. He remains motionless as his chest rises and falls in tune with my own, our shared anger growing more deliberate as time passes, unsure of where his ended and mine began. Gloved hands slowly move upward from his sides, skimming the latches on either side of his helmet. The hiss resounds around us as he shakes his head free from disguise, his hair falling messily around his face.

I forcibly bite my cheek, not having seen his face since Rodia. Pale, stricken with pain as he was compliant in giving up right then and there. His face came off as unreadable now, flushed with much more color, such a puzzle to decipher. I ward off the urge to stand in awe of him, wanting so badly to reach out and touch his skin, anywhere on his body, now more than ever before. Just to _ feel  _ him in some way would be good enough.

“You aren’t careless toward many things, but  _ this? _ This is where you’ve faltered.” He makes out low, the slightest hint above a whisper. I had hoped the facade his helmet provided also equipped him with a physical shield from letting the truth pass through, blocking off the truth he kept in his mind. Upon hearing his freed voice, this sadly wasn’t the case. If anything, he sounded even more confident in his argument against mine. “Of course what connects us will fill your mind with useless notions _. _ ” He exacts, the chill his voice sends down my spine nearly draining all direction from me, enticing me to forget our problems and fall in wonderment of how lost I was in him.

“So you admit it? There is  _ something?”  _ I noted, his jaw sharpening. The slight roll of his eyes alludes to his annoyance, but still sends a strong flutter through my stomach as I watch him.

“I’m saying you  _ think  _ there is something, when in reality, it is a figment of the force you have failed to block out.” He published with pride. I open my mouth to counter his argument, but he steps forward and presses on, more lively and believable than before. “This has taken up such importance, overpowering everything else in your mind. You’ve done such an awful job blocking this out, you almost took me down with you. I will not be seduced by such ideas.”

A gasp flees from my throat, unable to catch it before it's released. It was hard to believe he could ever say such a thing, with such confidence. I almost believed it. “And if I wanted to drag us down? Nothing in the Order is guaranteed, we could lose our titles at any moment. But  _ this? _ ” I motion between the two of us, stepping in even closer. “This is a risk, something to leap out and try.”

He takes it a literal step further, closing in on me, giving me nowhere else to look but up at him. He dismisses what I implied with an irritated shake of his head. Then I can see it, his facial structure faltering, as if it were difficult to keep up this facade he had so meticulously worked on for so long, blocking everything out. His face tells me one thing, while his words tell an entirely different story. His hot breath stains my lips as he speaks, his sweet scent rousing me up, only pushing me forward on the path I was set out on.

“You never  _ listen _ to me.” He growls, his gloved hand snatching my chin and shoving me against the padded wall behind, forcing me to gain an even better look at him. His face leans in close to mine, no signs of intimacy present, only his insistence toward proving how wrong I was. Some of his fingers dig considerably hard into my neck, absent of any tenderness he exuded the time we had put distance between us and Tatooine.

“ _ This _ , or whatever you think it is, isn’t anything at all. You have wasted your time on me, there is nothing I can give you that you truly need. If you continue on this path you have set yourself on, you will only drag yourself down.” His grip on my face shakes and rattles my head with every word he lets out, drilling his doctrine into my mind.

My hands balled into fists at my sides, nails tearing apart the thin outer layer of skin covering my palms. A loud pop breaks from above, most of the lights lining the ceiling going out as the sockets had blasted open thanks to our rising anger. Glass clatters and slides across the tiles while it showers us, the expression he burned into me failing to falter as my body shivers. I began to shake with how well he had prided himself to know me. “Do  _ not  _ speak for me, only I know what I need.” I snapped my head back against the padding, away from his grasp. His fingers ripped from my face and neck while my tired eyes viewed how dimmed the room had become, giving him the upper hand of seeming even more frightening, insulting and arrogant to our situation.

His brows twinge, his eyes grow sharper as they intently pierce through me, nowhere near backing down from proving his side. “Your thoughts reside in my mind, day in and day out. I know you better than anyone else, better than yourself.” He announced with such certainty, leaning his face in closer for a more meaningful effect. The pressure around my eyes has tensed so tightly from how secure I had locked my jaw in place, every word of his splitting me down the middle and plaguing me with a deeper kind of ache. 

His face in this lighting is nothing short of beautiful, highlighting the raised peaks of his face while shadowing the lower regions. We could not have been on further sides of the spectrum, feeling myself become lost in his gaze as he continued to flow his aggression to me. His tongue quickly parts through his lips and wets them before carrying on. “I can see what you need better than you ever could, you won’t  _ ever _ master the ways of the force until you set your personal strife aside.  _ Caring  _ will be your downfall, you simply have yet to see it.”

My eyelid twitches under such a powerful amount of anger rising within, coursing through every inch of my being. He takes a step back as a wanton chill strikes through me, pricking every hair on my body to stand pin straight. My lower lip fumbles as I search my brain for  _ anything  _ meaningful to combat how solid and impenetrable his side of the argument had become, turning into everything I had ever feared. He wasn’t backing down from this, no matter how intently I searched deep within his eyes for a sliver of truth. As a result, my teeth grit down so hard, the muscle in my jaw aches from the strain as I am unable to unclench in order to give him my response back. Instead, I reach out to him through the force as he stands before me.

_ Ignorance will be yours. _

I don’t take my eyes off of him as I send this out, a flicker of a different emotion sliding across his eyes. Overcome with so much shame and hatred for him, detesting the fact that I was linked to him for the rest of my days, I couldn’t picture how else to explain to him how much animosity I had for him. How much he had derailed my life, how easily he had stood in the way of matters that didn’t even consider him. Making me fall for him, to flee the scene once I had called out his actions. Backing down from the ultimate challenge when he saw I was ready to risk everything for him. I didn’t know what else words could do to persuade him of what was between us.

So I leaned forward, eliminating all space, every measly inch that once filled between us. 

Cupping my hands on both sides of his face, I reeled him downward as I stood on the tips of my boots. My lips firmly connected to his, as if we were magnetized. He felt plump and warm, but above all,  _ shocked. _ Immediately upon this new embrace, the lights above us surge loud and burn bright as they turn back on more powerful than before, a wave of heat simmering over our heads and warming our bodies. At the same time, the connection between us seems to explode in all different directions in a similar fashion, sectioning off into smaller fractals and surrounding us. It sprinkles down onto him and I and coates every inch of our bodies with how wickedly warm and enthralling this feeling was. A new layer to the force we had just unearthed, coaxing and pleading with us to never go back to our previous ways, not when the two of us could create something that felt  _ this  _ good.

His body remained completely rigid and devoid of life against mine, his head never moving a noticeable inch as I kissed him, as if he were encased within ice. After what felt to be a lifetime, translating to no more than five seconds, he lunges backward and away from me, our lips unsealing with a loud and audibly wet smack, the near blinding lights hovering above now dimmed once more. My arms ached as they lowered to my sides painfully slow, once again deprived of contact. 

I take in a deep, laborious breath as I watch him, his face sporting a look I had never seen in anyone, not in all of my days living. His look overpowered the one even my enemies displayed in their final moments. His eyes bored  _ wide  _ into mine, his feet off balance as they tripped over one another. His tremored, gloved hand raises to his lips, rubbing over them lightly as his brow quivers and falls into a flat frown. A heavy pant overcomes him, hand falling to his side as his jaw clenched shut tight. I stood in wonderment of the new situation I had created, yet again, surprised I had finally done it. Pleasing the force, sweltering hot and beating to the tune of a drum all around us, the lid he had placed over everything finally exploding off, the contents between us running free.

For a moment, I can feel his emotions flowing from him and into the free space around us, easy for me to pick up on. They happen to be  _ so  _ intense, it is exceptionally hard to decipher what they all meant. So many times in the past, I had been the one to have difficulty sifting through my feelings, let alone figuring them out. At this moment, I seemed to be as confused as he was, the look on his face a summation of everything he had tried to shove down, now rising up and forcing him to take a look at all he harboured.

He shudders, his lashes batting weakly as they stare in awe of me, stumbling backward before gaining a better footing. There was a strong possibility I had transformed into a Rathtar, because he had been staring at me with unease and fear as if I really had. He breaks our painfully long stare, quickly stalking out of the training room without taking a look back; I can feel the invisible lid resealed over our connection once again, lying to himself and I of what we had between us. The doors open to welcome him, shutting behind him and leaving me alone, beside the helmet he had deserted.

I am at a loss of words, proud of myself for  _ finally  _ doing what I wanted for a change, when I had shoved everything down for so long. My pride was diminished by the way he had reacted, something I had never expected, not that I ever planned this out.

  
I didn’t assume this was his first go at feeling something for somebody, most people would have addressed such a situation in order to get to the bottom of it. I feel my mouth grow dry as my eyes line with fresh tears, an unstoppable quiver over taking my bottom lip. Now I  _ truly  _ felt like what he had believed me to be, a  _ fool.  _ If this was the kind of outcome that came after my shot in the dark, I didn’t know what else there was for me to do. I wrap a lonesome arm around my body, running my fingers over my lips, unable to taste any familiar notes of him that could have lingered.

__

Finally reaching out and doing what I had wanted to do for  _ so  _ long, to find out it was truly unrequited on his end.

__

The ache in my chest alluded how distraught I had become, freely crying as there was nobody around to view me. To feel such wonderful sensations erupting between us, only to find he didn’t feel the same way, blocking everything off once more and leaving without another word. I squinted through heavy eyes at the messy room before me, wondering how differently I could have gone about this. What would I have had to do to convince him to  _ try _ something new? My eyes press shut once more as I shake my head, crying so deeply for the first time in a long while. Perhaps he was right all along, that there  _ wasn’t  _ anything left for us. He had taught me the ways of the force and maybe now I was to figure out the rest on my own. 

__

I wiped my tears on the material of my shirt, making my way out of the training room slowly, my heart having sunk down so low it dragged on the floor of the halls behind me. I take my time as I amble into the turbo lift, leaning my backside against the wall as I pressed the button for the correct floor. I rubbed my eyes, finding it hard to sit with this new feeling in the pit of my stomach. Worse than the time I was assaulted, worse than the time I had killed Kaz, or the time I had watched the Commander kill Khan. This was entirely different, nulling my thoughts and weighing down my limbs, no part of me unaffected by how disappointed I was. For the situation I was stuck in, as well as myself. This new sadness ruled over my mind with such determination, I almost felt there was nothing left within the galaxy that mattered.

__

I linger through the door frame and pass through many different halls, all leading back to where I once came from. The force tugs at my chest, the air surrounding me growing thin. I brush it off, too heartbroken to care about my abilities any longer, as they were a reminder of all that the Commander and I had in common, sharing with only one another. 

__

The tug turns incessant, pulling at my insides to press up against my skin in the direction it beckoned me. I frown, stopping dead in my tracks to analyze what it had been persuading me to do. The feeling is glorious, in a different way than what I had experienced while kissing Commander Ren. The feeling of such a sinking low, to a sky-bounding high makes me feel stunted and tired. I could feel that this pull didn’t come from him, as he was so far blocked off from me, he was practically nonexistent at this point. 

__

The fog around me cleared, the thin air growing warmer as I had gained the right idea. I walked in the direction it had guided me, my heart rate on an incline as I followed the trail of crumbs it had left out for me. Things were coming together as I started to decode the force’s message out to me. It had discovered something for me and had begun to allude to it, to  _ someone. _ A faint smile turns the corners of my lips upward, looking forward to the challenge, to accomplishing something without the help of anyone else. 

__

I swing down a different hall for a momentary detour as an idea pops into my mind, the door to my office opening for me to stick my head inside. “Let’s go on a trip.” I whisper to my droid, who had been logging hard copy files of my students into the digital database. His beeps sing through the air as I leave him to catch up to me on his own, not wanting to wait around to hear his flurry of questions that were absolutely on queue to come.

__

His beeps grow louder as he catches up to my side, my footfalls growing faster, eager to reach my destination. I feel as if I am more so gliding across the tiles, worried of the Commander catching on to what I was planning on doing. I keep my mind as clear as I could possibly manage, warding off any stray thoughts I could send out to him in regards to where I was heading. I reached the docking bay, the zone captain by the door anxious to see what had brought me here. My eyes land on the Commander’s command shuttle as she voices her concern.

__

“Commandant. Anything I can help you with?”

__

“Grant me permission to leave.” I give to her as I pass by her, having no time to explain my reasoning. My title came with permission to do so, as well. The clicks of her boots scurry up behind me with haste, struggling to catch up with how much ground I was able to cover. “Where would you like to go? I don’t believe your next mission is scheduled until tomorrow with our Commander.” BB-9 beeps in unison from the ground below, excited to tag along with me for once, wondering what I had planned out for us, skeptical this was a necessary mission, nervous about the multitude of possibilities the harddrive within him had been calculating since the moment I called upon him.

__

With the dismissal of my hand, I stop her from carrying on too far. I didn’t have time to continue on repeating the vicious cycle the Commander and I had created. Sneering at each other left and right, denying what was between us, blocking me off from reaching him.  _ Killing  _ two Officers on two different missions, never finding anything of use to us, but nearly dying on  _ both  _ occasions. I needed to get going to achieve all of this, all while bringing home a prisoner, making me a hero in the eyes of the First Order.

__

“Classified.” I proclaim as we both approach the command shuttle, my eyes stirring around us, apprehending the large and powerful man clad in his darkened uniform to bound through the doors at any given moment. I grew worried I would have to set her in her place, as I was losing precious time. She hesitates, turning to the control center and nodding to those in the booths up above us. The shuttle hisses as the ramp lowers to the ground. I waste not a single second and make my way up the slope, the zone captain behind me piping up once more. “Should I alert the Commander to join you?”

__

I stop my incline abruptly, whirring my head around to send her a glare, my fists instinctually balling into fists at my sides. “He will hear  _ nothing _ of this, understand?”

__

Her mouth clips shut, eyes widening as she nods rapidly, her glasses nearly falling off the bridge of her nose. I send her a nod before briskly making my way into the shuttle. Although he is completely mechanical, I can  _ feel  _ how nervous, yet excited BB-9 had become for the situation I had brought him into.

__

I heard the ramp rise behind me, securing into place as the shuttle began to pressurize. Down the hallway I went, much smaller and less spacious than the Finalizer. The doors allow me entry to the cockpit, sighing as I realize what this solo trip would entail. I bite my lip, pressing a single button to start the engine of the shuttle. I know I have done something right as the shuttle begins to whirr to life, different beeps sounding all around me as the lights on each button begins to blink.

__

I scan over the mass cluster of buttons carefully, punching in the coordinates to where the force was insistent of taking me to, hopeful to see how this would work out in my favor. BB-9 mentions he can handle the rest, pressing a multitude of buttons as he had then hoisted himself into the pilot's seat. I snicker to myself, strapping myself underneath the belts in the copilot’s seat. I watch as he effortlessly maneuvers the shuttle, turning the nose toward the exit of the docking bay. The engine grows louder and louder as those around us clear a path for the shuttle to leave. I close my eyes and lean back into the seat, preparing for how forceful of a jolt this would be.

__

The shuttle leaps out of the docking bay, the feeling of nothing below us for light years and light years still something I found difficult, and a tad uneasy to comprehend. My head pressed firmly against my seat, easing up as my neck became more in tune with the pressure around us. I focus on the connection between the Commander, or lack thereof. I tune out the droid’s mindless babbling as I fill with sorrow, my efforts toward rekindling a sliver of what the Commander and I had proving to be useless, unsure of what else I could manage to do at this point. The hum of the shuttle provides me some amount of comfort as I delve into my feelings, understanding them for what they were, and coming to terms with how to move on.

__

I picture the Commander, not the man from my dream, or the man residing in my head, but him in general. Prideful, ignorant, mighty. Adorning that damned helmet I hated so much; I envision him this way because it is too hard to do this while visualizing his face, the very thought of his face was enough to turn my ass around, flying back to the Death Star to go and apologize to him for everything I had ever wronged him for. Attempting picturing himself adorning his helmet was already punishment enough. 

__

I set aside everything I had ever felt for him, every second I had wasted on thinking about what we could have amounted to. Once assuming he felt it too, but never putting anything to the test. Now, I had tested it out, my efforts reigning unsuccessful. Casting out a metaphorical arm within my mind, I shove everything off of my plate in regards to him.

__

Very similar to forgetting about his very existence, I blocked him out for good. No more useless ideas of him I had once become so caught up in, no more pondering the idea of what he was doing, or what he was thinking about as he observed my thoughts. But also, I had hoped to silence myself on his end as well, finally deafening the once continual stream of my thoughts flooding his mind, in a similar fashion to blocking out the thoughts of those I passed in the halls. Blocking off his ability to monitor what was on my mind, nevermore apprehending my next move. I open my eyes and carouse around the new feeling, almost completely absent of him. 

__

I can still feel the string that tied us together, faint and feeble, on its last legs but still there to notice. I don’t feel as much sorrow for him, or what we could have become together. I feel so absent of him, there’s a possibility I  _ killed  _ whatever idea I had lodged within my mind for so long. Letting the past die and leaving it alone, progressing forward.

__

This solo mission was proof enough, to myself, that I didn’t need anyone else to lend their hand out to me, especially  _ his _ . My only guide as the force, I would follow it throughout the galaxy to fulfill the anxious and aching need to achieve this on my own. I do not feel guilty toward blocking him out to the extent he had done so with me, now we were even. We were only doing what we had agreed upon on our way back from Tatooine. There was nothing for us, not together.

__

Sitting up in the copilot’s chair, I unbuckle the belt around my waist and peer out the wide windshield before me. Stars and planets stretched out on display for me, moving faster and passing by more galaxies than I could fathom. BB-9 has taken his mechanical arms off from manning the wheel as we slowed just below hyperdrive, letting the shuttle cruise on its own as his head slowly swiveled to me. I sigh, knowing he had all too many questions I was not ready to answer.

__

“Jedi?” He beeps, I nod. My smart droid.

__

“I think I know where she is, I’ll find her and bring her back to the Death Star.”

__

“Fight?” He beeps, a bit more curious. I nod again.

__

“I assume I will have to. I don’t believe a Jedi would be compliant with someone like myself.” I tell him, leaning forward and placing my elbows on my knees to give my small friend all of my attention. I wasn’t sure how this would play out, myself against her. I didn’t even know her name, nor the power she exuded, I only knew she and Skywalker managed to anger  _ him  _ to the point of no return. So, I assumed she was good. 

__

He swivels nervously. “Fight with  _ Commander. _ ” He reiterates. I mash my lips together, having overlooked how smart the droid really was. The mere mention of  _ his  _ title startles me, having only blocked him out moments before, but moving on and forgetting him  _ surprisingly  _ fast.

__

“Yes, we had a fight earlier.”

__

“Again.”

__

I sigh and feel my expression falling upon my boots, finding myself slinking back into old ways of thinking. I clear my throat, repositioning my eyes to better focus my attention on BB-9.

__

The droid observes my twiddling fingers, raising his small head back to me.

__

“Good terms?”

__

A buzz reverberates from above the control console, a message from the docking bay’s control center. I startle at the sound, snapping upright to my feet and briskly pulling the cord from the communication device it was once connected to, not wishing to find out who was attempting to make contact with me from base. I toss the cord over my shoulder, forgetting about it as I sat back down to jump back into the conversation with my droid.

__

“No, I’m afraid not.”

__

I was not actually afraid of this, it was easier to comprehend now that I was almost sure he couldn’t dive bomb himself into my mind at any time, seeking out my location whenever he felt like it. I was my own person again, no longer requiring a babysitter. For a long time I was reluctant to separate myself from him—it was easier than I thought, once it was said and done, at least. Above all, I really needed to stop thinking back to him. I had done the easy part, strengthening my mental block in front of him. Now I needed to talk the talk, actively keeping myself distanced from conversations or thoughts that could ultimately lead back to him. That part would be tricky.

__

“Sad?”

__

I battle between sending him a frown or a small grin, my lips twitching in all different directions. I raise a hand out and lightly trace my fingers over the flattened part of his head, smooth and cold. He leans into my touch as his internal fans hum, not ever feeling my touch, but understanding the sentiment.

__

“Not anymore, no. Only relieved.”

__

I did mean that, for the most part. The sadness that had overcome me after leaving his level on the Death Star was something I had never dealt with before, a different kind of let down that sat deep within my skin, settling into my bones. I knew it was still there, what I had for him. Blocking him out helped take the edge off, like I was masking the feeling and pretending he was truly gone. In a way he was, in my eyes. I would have found this notion upsetting if we weren’t so distanced from one another.

__

I can tell the droid wants to continue on, but to cut off the topic of  _ him,  _ I sat back in my seat and propped my legs up for my boots to rest on the dash in front of me. I crossed my arms over my chest as I settled in, taking in what warmth was around me before I had to exit the shuttle at some point for much harsher conditions.

__

The droid beeps, puzzled. “Destination?” As well as something to the tune of wanting to help me capture the Jedi wherever we were to land.

__

I sink further into the seat, not the most comfortable, but dare I say, better than the bed the Finalizer had provided on past missions. I lean the side of my cheek against the seat, letting out a tired sigh. I hadn’t done a whole lot today, but the emotional toll on my mind had been especially taxing.

_  
  
_

“I am unsure how well you could perform in Hoth’s conditions, maybe it’d be best if you held down the shuttle and kept it warm in my absence.”

__

He agrees with a few low beeps, practically grumbles, knowing I was right, but still disappointed. “You can poke and prod her all you’d like with your stun-rod once I bring her back.”

__

The droid perks up a bit as I release a chuckle, happy with my decision to bring him along with me. Blocking _him_ out wouldn’t have been as easy to do on my own, possibly leaving the connection open just for the sake of having company, a sad excuse to call it that. Which would have given _him_ my location, most likely tagging along to help me bring our assailant back, or to scold me for going alone. 

_  
_ I close my eyes, taking in the peace that filled the room. No tension, no internal struggle to ward off feelings dedicated to anyone around me, for once. I enjoyed the low hum of the shuttle whirring through the galaxy, as well as BB-9’s quiet beeps as he talked to himself, naming the stars he miraculously had noticed as we passed them. Hoth could most certainly be a death wish, or the very thing that could grant me permission to take permanent leave from the Order; bringing an actual Jedi to surrender to her crimes could surely spare me from devoting the rest of my life to serving the Order. At this point I was complacent with either outcome no matter what way I viewed it, a fine excuse to keep myself away from  _him_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woooooo! How we liking that kiss? Might not have been what you expected, or what you wanted, but the story will pick up in due time. (I hope y'all don't hate me, 22 chapters in for JUST a smooch is a lot, but I live for slow burns.) What do you think of this chapter? Getting excited for what's to come? Anyone have an idea of what happens next? There's still a lot of great things ahead for this story, I can't wait for y'all to find out eventually!
> 
> Btw btw, I might go back and name the chapters just for fun, I think that would add some excitement and *spice*
> 
> As always, thank you x a million for the reads, I really appreciate it and die of laughter every time I check the comments. xx


	23. Chapter 23

“You believed me to be the spy?” I breathed out to my droid, who still manned the ship from the pilot’s seat. His fidgeting alludes to the fact that if his face was ever able to hold an expression, in this moment, he would be visibly anxious.

“Not long.” He cuts in with a few messy beeps, ashamed of his prior thoughts all those months ago. A light smirk tugs on my lips as I shake my head. As jittery and anxious the droid was, he was also very, very smart. I had assumed he would have apprehended Kaz from the get-go, never having taken an interest in her to begin with.

“I see, only a short amount of time then.” I laugh inwardly, cocking my head into my seat to better stare at him. “What about me had fit the bill?” I ask of him. His head swivels with anticipation, choosing his words carefully.

“Ability like Commander.” He sounds off to me. His mechanical arm shoots out of the compartment on his chest, the retractable claw opening similar to how mine does when I wield the force to move something, like a door or my boots from the floor. I suck in my lip in admiration of the droid, noticing I had force abilities, even doubting if I was the spy, but never doing anything about it.

“That’s fair.” I admit to him, reaching my arm out to him with the force and rotating the seat the droid occupied 360 degrees. I face him back to me and he beeps in acknowledgement, very amused and interested in my abilities. “Yes. Strong.”

I relax my arm back at my side, snuggling closer into my seat and bringing my legs up to my chest, cradling my chin on my knees as the side of my face leaned against the seat. “Why didn’t you ever turn me in? You had enough reason to.”

My droid is quiet for a moment, thinking to himself, the inner fans located in the center of his metal body beginning to whir a bit louder. The fans cool down his intricately crafted motherboard that powered him, in a way, cooling himself down from his own racing mind. We were more alike than most understood.

“New owner. Don’t want that.”

I throw my head back and laugh at his little comment, hearing his own tiny string of beeps singing through the air, his own way of mimicking my laughter. I wiped my eyes of the small, trace amount of tears that had beaded up within my waterline, releasing a light breath of air as I recalled his answer. “I understand, getting to know a new owner would not be ideal for you, would it?” I chuckle. The two of us were too closely bound, his tiny body rolling around my boots to follow mostly everywhere I went. 

“I suppose you’d get along just fine with Leira, or Jado. They wouldn’t be so bad. Hopefully not the General or Admiral Kent, you’re far too smart for the likes of them.” I muse outward to him, going down the list of people he would surely cower beneath a table in the presence of, understandably.

“Commander Ren.”

I frown at the droid’s sudden mention, my mind sidestepping to previous ways of thinking, entertaining the idea of him for just a mere second before wiping the slate clean. Moving on. I nod somberly, letting my eyes roam to appreciate the flashes of light passing by, the stars and planets we roamed beyond, decorating the windshield as our own personal lightshow, casting strips of light to hit the floor and illuminate the room.

“Too sad. Would miss Margot.”

I beam toward him, possibly brighter than the stars and planets surrounding us, my bottom lip crinkling inward. “I would miss you too, immensely.” I tell him, filling him in on matters I hope he understood on his own. The room feels warm despite its usual chill, feeling more in sync with my droid than I could with most people. I let the nice feeling ring out around us for a few moments more before understanding we were approaching the planet of Hoth, rising to my feet to look at the control panel.

“But we don’t have to worry ourselves about that, I’m not going anywhere.” I declare, a bit more serious as I lock our coordinates on the planet for a landing, hearing BB-9 approach the edge of his seat, his mechanical arms readying themselves around the steering wheel. He takes it from there, as I am unfamiliar how to correctly land, or take off on any kind of spacecraft. His extended arms keep the wheel rigid in place as I sit to admire the icy planet coming closer into view, right as we pass its three moons to the side of it.

I can feel the force around me, the way it vibrates the air signals that I had done something right, finding my way without help from others. I filled with an immense sense of pride in myself for making it all the way out here, putting a foot through the door in the right direction. I can feel the tug on my heart strings, wanting to send something out to the Commander, letting him know I was closing in on  _ her. _ I sigh, overlapping the ache in my heart with a sturdier, more lasting shield from thoughts that could find their way into the most vulnerable spaces of my mind. They served me no good, not anymore.

BB-9 and I near the end of the stratosphere, breaking through to the troposphere with a jolt, shaking the shuttle lightly as we slow down our descent. The planet had resembled a large, perfectly circular cloud from a distance, now noticing the swirls and ringlets of clouds from above ground, which we passed through to see the expansive blanket of snow that coated the earth.

Carefully, the droid circles down to the landing point I had chosen, tucked away between hills piled high with snow. The soft landing amongst the snow sends a wave of certainty throughout my body, as if I was exactly where I needed to be, where the force  _ wanted  _ me to be. BB-9 powers down the shuttle to conserve power and energy, the hum of the motors whirring downward as I begin to feel less warm than I had before, all the while knowing this was  _ nothing  _ compared to the conditions outside.

I took no time rising out of my seat as the shuttle had grown still, my boots padding against the floor for the armory room not too far from the cockpit. I hear BB-9 eagerly keep up with me, excited, but anticipating what kind of outcomes lied ahead for the two of us. I go through my usual motions, sliding three knives through the belt on my hip, leaving them tucked in just enough for easy entry, not minding if my anger ever let them slip through the pockets and into my enemies. I add on a shiny and polished electro staff, fixing the retracted weapon to my side for easy access. My hand hovers over the blaster mounted on the wall, thinking back to all fire that had reigned over my head on Rodia. Thinking about how the Commander had ripped the weapon so forcefully from my side, slinging it over our heads to become lost in the desert of Tatooine. I let my hand fall, leaving the blaster be.

I open one of the sets of closets, sifting through the clothing for the warmest possible clothing I could find. I find a pair of thin, thermal pants, sliding my legs into the leg holes for a secure fit. I begin to grow warm within the room with every move I make, factoring that these pants would keep me warm against the harsh temperature. My hands grasp at a large jacket, fully lined internally with pillowy mounds of darkened wool. My fingers tangled in the strands of warmth it provided me, snaking both arms through the sleeve and zipping it up all the way, below my chin. The jacket is a bit larger than I needed to suit my body, but it still supplied me with enough warmth to last outside.

After slipping my feet into a pair of insulated socks over my First Order issued pair, I secured my boots tightly to ensure no amount of snow could sneak through, ultimately pooling and making an icy mess of my toes, surely enough to freeze them clean off.

“Wish to understand cold.” BB-9 retorts through a series of beeps, midthought, just below my knees. I snicker at his wholesome remark as I tug on my boots and rise to my feet, wishing to understand things the way humans or other creatures could. As he was a machine, he lacked any experience with temperature. 

“It is nothing special, truly. You are not missing out.” I fill him in, not wanting him to feel as if he were excluded from something memorable to experience. The snow was different, something I didn’t always get to see, but I  _ was _ on a mission. He observes me as I ready myself into my clothing, making any last minute modifications, making certain I had access to the weapons attached to my belt. Regret expands throughout me, wishing my droid was capable of withstanding the weather outside, as he was such a good companion, he would make a fine partner to embark on these types of missions with. Maybe on future missions I could fashion something to carry the droid, all while keeping him safe from whatever conditions we embarked upon. 

Kriff, that would be a sight. The Commandant that totes around her droid on missions.

We leave the armory room and I sling my hair back into a bun that rests at the base of my neck, making our way to the entrance of the shuttle as I hear the inside depressurize. I press my eyes shut, envisioning the button I wanted from the control panel in the cockpit. BB-9 begins to embark down the hallway to press the button for me, but I beat him to it as I open my eyes and hear the hiss sound throughout the room, the droid stopping halfway. “Wwwow.” He admires, one long and slow beep pooling at my feet. I chuckle.

The ramp unlocks, the light from the planet blinds me as it peeks through the opening as the ramp lowers, growing brighter and stronger with every second. I squint my eyes as the slope touches to the ground, the swell of wind rushes into the space BB-9 and I had occupied rather abruptly.

The chilled air hits my cheeks, stinging the tip of my nose and lips, I make a mental note not to lick them to discourage the possibility of frostbite. The droid at my feet beeps in wonderment, never having seen snow before. He had accompanied me on several missions in the past, but this was one quite unlike any others before.

“Beautiful.” He beeps quietly, almost going undetected. I nod in agreement, shivering and pulling my jacket even closer as the cold sends a chill through the spaces that weren’t close enough to my body. I turn to my droid and give him a small grin, bending down and taking a knee to better admire him.

“Careful.” He preaches with such seriousness. I nod once more, letting my eyes focus on the sheer whiteness from outside. “So, so, so careful. Please.” He adds on. I turn back to face him, giving him more of my attention this time around. “I promise, I will be very careful.”

He lets out a row of smaller beeps as he views the outside like I had done, chattering to himself as he stews on the situation some more, quite possibly rendering each outcome starting as soon as I step off of the shuttle. He keeps them all to himself, turning back to me.

“Commander. Not my owner. Please.” He juts out as I was beginning to stand. I lower back down and wince, pressing my lips flat while blocking out the mention of him.

“No, no. He will not ever be your owner, only me.” I inform him, leaning in and placing a loving hand on the top of his level head. He leans in as he usual does, in a similar fashion animals do when they have an immense love for their owners. I hear his fans lower down as he calms himself, letting out one long, soft and continuous beep. I hum as I gather back to my feet, flattening out my pants and pulling my jacket closer to my torso. I turn to him once more as we both approach the top of the ramp.

“Call home?” He suggests, in regards to if I did not return, if it was alright to send out a message of my absence to the base. I bite down on my tongue, pressing against the back of my teeth as I lose myself in thought. “ _ Only  _ if you believe I am truly in danger. I do not assume this would take longer than a few hours, I should be back before you grow too worried.” False, he was already  _ too  _ worried about this solo mission.

I knew he would remain worried all the while he stood in the shadow of my absence, but I also knew he had it in him to withstand his worry for what I truly wanted. He beeps a few times as he mutters to himself, reflecting off of what I had said.

“Fifth hour. Call home.”

I simper to myself, nodding as I take a lengthy breath inward, my gaze peering out to the never ending stretch of snow amongst the horizon. Much alike Tatooine, this kind of landscape was effortless to become lost in. I would have to pay attention to my surroundings.

“Sure. If the fifth hour does not bring you my presence, you may relay a distress message to home base.”

I didn’t think he would need to, but I also knew this wasn’t going to be an easy mission, for I  _ knew  _ she was here. I couldn’t simply entice the force user to accompany me back to the Death Star to attend to her trial for killing our late Captain Phasma, it would prove to be trickier than just that. Neither did I intend on dying here, on this snow covered planet, much like the conditions of Phasma’s final resting place. I shudder at the thought of the snow sweeping over my lifeless body, covering me completely over time. Stormtroopers, members of the First Order, maybe even the  _ Commander _ returning to this planet in search of me, stomping past my body without ever knowing it, the connection between  _ him  _ and I dead and gone, amiss for him to simply seek me out through the force.

The droid beside me beeps and settles me back to the present, somewhat content with  _ some  _ kind of plan to agree upon. I already knew he would begin to count down the minutes to himself aloud as soon as I stepped off the ramp, awaiting my return. I wondered in what state I would return, bloodied, victorious as I brought her unconscious body up the ramp? Would I return short handed, having killed her because of her lack of compliance to return to the Death Star with me? 

Would she kill me?

I walk down the ramp, BB-9 beeping anxiously from behind as he strings together a frantic goodbye. I wave to him and lend him a loving smile, before turning back around to face the sheer, bright landscape before me. The moment my boot trudges into the snow, the force uplifts my body into the correct direction, pointing me where to go. As if a map is displayed before me, I can see the route I need to follow, the force’s path insistently buzzing and thrumming up ahead, tingling through me as I abide by it and walk alongside the current.

Aside from the force’s power around me, the wind is but a small breeze, still managing to strike a swift chill through my clothing. The insulation proved to be useful now, but I feared how long I could handle it once the sun had gone down. Looking to the sky, I squint out the sun, focusing my sight on the ball of fire and honing in on whatever warmth it had to give me. I feel nothing but the sheer whip of the wind, mostly gentle, but sometimes lashing out like the crack of a belt. This keeps me on my toes, never letting me succumb to how tired I had already felt before I had embarked on this journey, not having slept too well in the copilot’s seat of the shuttle.

I would have to move quickly in order to utilize the sun’s light that cast over the planet, knowing full well a fight in the dark would prove to be difficult. Worse than that, trudging back to the shuttle with hardly any sense of direction could get me killed, even if I had survived against the Jedi, as there were bigger animals surely to come out at night.

The force beckons me rather beautifully through the snow, passing around large heaps covered in sleet, almost like mountains. I pass through two heaps at a time, blocking out the sun and rendering me with chills. The wind whips quickly down the icy hallway between the two heaps of snow, driving directly into me with nowhere else to go. I ball my gloved hands into fists, then fanning out my fingers and tensing them to keep the blood flowing within me. I even stick my hands deep within my pockets to keep my them warm, knowing very well that this kept me vulnerable, plaguing me with an even longer amount of time to arm myself if needed.

If it weren’t for the ways of the force surrounding me, I would have lost myself in the maze of tall, blindingly white hills of snow surrounding me. Every turn seemed to look much like the last, but I planted my feet deep within the snow and carried on, face turned toward the wind as I pulled my shirt upward to cover my mouth and nose. Such a contrast this was from the dark interior of the Death Star, complete opposites.

This planet provided nothing pleasing to gaze upon, unalike the beautiful and interesting vegetation on Rodia. The first hour and a half of walking seems to go by rather quickly, either observing the tops of ridges and hills in hopes to see my assailant, or keeping an eye out on the horizon, begging for a sign of life to engage with. Even if it wasn’t the girl I had set out for, they could supply me with information. If not, a quick kill to ease my jittering hands, to get the blood flowing richer within me, could prove to be beneficial while also serving as entertainment.

Had the last snow mound looked similar to the one up ahead? Yes. Did I think I had passed it already, the wind having swept over my footprints to confuse and disorient me? I don’t know, but I trusted the force would guide me toward what I was searching for. Regardless, I plod and plow my boots through the snow, which had grown taller over time, now up to below my knees. The insulation keeps me warm, but I still feel the snow melt against my pants, delivering a numbing coldness that travels up my legs.

Having become bored over time, I let myself muse toward the Commander for a few short-lived minutes, although, never once thinking of letting down the veil I had casted out between us. I think of what he would be doing right now, most likely hearing of my absence, most definitely scolding the zone captain in the docking bay for not alerting him of my departure. Or maybe he truly failed to care, still angered by the kiss I stole from him in his personal training room. I wonder what things will be like between him and I once I return, force assailant in hand. I wonder if he had caught on to where I was yet, having to figure it out without the help of my side of the connection. Could the force lead him to me?

This did not matter.

I shove it back down, forcibly clearing my throat and continuing onward, leaving past notions of him to sink into the snow behind me. That had been enough musing for the day, maybe even the week. Things seemed easier to accomplish when I wasn’t worried about him, or what he thought of me. There was no more convincing, no more sleepless nights or tearful eyes.

I smile to myself as I walk along with the force’s tendrils snaking me forward, proud of myself for having the strength to block him out,  _ moving  _ on.

I trek through the soft snow for, what felt to be, two more hours. A slight pang of worry clashes into me, knowing BB-9 would be sending that distress signal back to the Death Star, noting my absence and possibility of my injury or my passing. The very thought of the Commander, worrying about my safety, about my  _ life _ , tinges my already rosy cheeks into a deeper, warmer blush. I shove out the idea, stamping my boots more forcefully into the snow to get a grip. This snaps me awake a bit more, after my eyes having grown noticeably heavier. 

The sun has begun its descent downward, level with my body to the side of me as it had just begun to touch the planet’s surface. A deeper chill riddles my body as I know this only means my vision will be compromised, finding it harder to find my assailant, but also, my visibility to others will remain even more hidden within the hills of snow. I suppose, there is less of the element of looking for her, as we both are force users, either of us would have to  _ feel  _ the presence of the other to know they were around.

I do just that, putting my musing qualities to use and looking for her. I vaguely remember the feeling she gave me, when I had sifted through Captain Phasma’s thoughts. Different from the Commander’s, different from what little I was ever conscious of picking up from Kaz. 

Marbles of snow roll down the hill to my left, prompting my hand from my pocket and sinking through my clothing to reach my electro staff. My eyes snap to the top of the hill, taking notice of a family of hedgehogs attempting to make their way down the snow mound. I pause momentarily, waiting for the parents and four little hogs trailing behind. The small creatures have ice encased over the quills on their back, almost completely blending their frosty coat into the snow surrounding them. They pass me by with no more than a few timid looks shot my way, until they trail around me and follow the path of footsteps I left behind.

I take in a large gulp of the wintry air, finding difficulty in expanding my lungs as far as I usually could, due to the cold. I catch up with the time lost from waiting on the hedgehog family, increasing my speed in hopes of warming myself up. I regret not bringing any food or water, feeling my stomach protest from lack of nutrients. I had been so caught up earlier, loving the chase, eager to find the girl I was looking for, I had neglected fueling myself.

  
  


I can no longer take in account my toes, as they had turned completely numb, my boots proving not to be the best for winter conditions that called for snow. My stomach sank with despair as I noticed the sun to my left had set almost completely, a quarter left peaking above the horizon as the hours had passed. It casts an orange hue onto the white sheets of snow that sneaks through the spaces between neighboring hills, only a small sliver of warmth defrosting the side of my face.

And then everything shifts off kilter, my attitude, the force surrounding me, the feeling in the pit of my stomach. Aside from blocking off the Commander, a new,  _ different  _ parallel is made, stemming from me and stretching to wherever she was. I can feel she is near, I can sense her curiosity while I try to hide my detestation, or my fueled desire to capture her. Having the upper hand, I knew her, but she did not know me. I could use this advantage to better become acquaintances with her, maybe there was no need for violence when treachery was a viable option.

My footfalls into the snow have grown much more methodical and quiet, planning each one out before I sunk through the snow. My head swivels all around me, awaiting for her to pop her head out from behind the surrounding walls of snow. I unzip my jacket halfway down, as discreetly as possible, keeping easy access to my electro staff if I needed to use it, but still blocking off the patches on my uniform.

The force pulls me closer to her, leading the way beyond the identical mounds of snow. The faintest sign of smoke lingers in the air beyond, a signal someone had made a fire. I swallow down my excitement in order to keep calm and quiet, maneuvering my way against the slush without giving notice of my location. I almost feel ill, despite the gust of chilled air that had slipped through the opening of my jacket and gaining entry to my uniform, shocking my skin. The excitement that takes over me plagues me with nausea, my adrenaline circulating throughout my body to produce enough for a whole army. 

My exhilaration has neared to delirium as I peak a glimpse behind a solid slab of snow, taking notice of the base I had been looking for. Disguised as just another heap of snow, they had used it as a small shelter from the cold, much smaller than the bases I had found on Tatooine or Rodia. The only thing that gives it away was the ill-defined string of smoke that lingered within the air, as well as how incessant the force had pinged this area to contain all I had set out for.

Testing out my visibility, I peak further to the side to see  _ her. _

She stands amongst the snow, very visible, vulnerable, looking for what I knew in my gut to be  _ me. _ She searches around her, dressed in a sad excuse for snow clothing, thin pants and a jacket that did not seem to offer her much warmth or protection from the weather. My heartbeat reaches its climax, any faster and it surely would have beat clear out of my chest. I bite my frozen lip as hard as I could to contain my absolute mania as I step into my acting boots, my plan coming to works as I watched her scout her surroundings. 

I take a confident, yet, trembling step to the side, revealing myself as her back faced me.

_ You. _

I sent this to her, working up as much bewilderment as I could, not that I wasn’t already. Her body startles rigid all the way across the settled blanket of snow. She peaks her head behind her shoulder, then turning her entire body to focus on me more clearly. The sun sets almost entirely behind me, casting a dark orange shadow to hit my backside with warmth. The shadow outlines my body against the snow, falling around her as my illuminated body shades her own, standing in my defined shadow.

“You.” She repeats, out loud, staring at me in awe. I shiver in her direction dramatically, not that it wasn’t wholeheartedly because of the cold, because it was. Her voice sounds just as I remember it from the memories I had overlooked, an accent I was not used to hearing, only a few other men similar to her in the Order. Soft and light, welcoming and friendly. She seemed like no jedi at first glance, but I suppose I didn’t fit the bill to wield the force either.

“You can hear me?” She asks, timid as she places a foot behind her. I react the exact opposite, gently swinging one foot out before me, establishing trust, showing I meant no harm. I pull my shirt down from covering my mouth, baring my face to her to strengthen my testament. “You’re the only person I could hear out here, ever since I landed.” I admit to her with surprise, cowering a bit to show I too could be timid of her, maybe  _ she  _ was a First Order member, not me.

I let the tremor, my excitement, as well as the cold, fuel my wonderment, ramping my breath up to new heights, as if I was  _ actually  _ relieved to have met another person in this frozen wasteland. Her forehead creases when she is met with my response, thinking over what I had said. “Landed? How long have you been here?”

“A few hours.” I tell her, truthfully. I can send her that information with confidence, knowing there was no lie and that she would buy it, furthering the success of my story. “First Order members invaded Takodana, my home. They ravaged  _ everything. _ ” I pause my dramatic effect, tuning in all of my losses to come off as truly devastated. She remains patient as she listens, still a tad skeptical.

“I fled with my family in hopes of escaping, but they didn’t make it. My sister was taken and I wanted to get her back. I stole a shuttle and flew as far as I could make it, that’s where I heard you.”

I reign utterly convincing over her, a sympathetic gleam overtaking her expression as she listens to the tale I unwind, pulling it straight from the sky. “You can man a shuttle?” She breathes out slowly in surprise. I simply nod, giving her the softest, most genuine of smiles. 

“I draw inspiration from the late Han Solo.” 

Her face takes on a new expression, one of loss and longing. She nods, believing my story and unknowingly falling into my trap. “Your sister, she’s been taken?” She asks, full of empathy as it tugs against her face, he stature grows more relaxed,  _ trusting. _ I nod somberly, drawing from my lack of a family to begin with, truly missing them amongst the facade I was intricately laying out in front of me.

The wind picks up even more, sprawling stray pieces of my hair into my eyes. I blink them away as she gazes upon me with intent. I watch as the heroic, righteous characteristics of the jedi rise from within her, ready to set aside other matters to help others in need.

Truly, this was too easy.

“How can I help?...” She trails off, waiting for me to fill in the empty space with the deliverance of my name. I smile as I take a moment to think of one. “Jynna.”

Her expression changes, nodding once more, sinking further into my trap. I had picked one of the best names. “I knew a Jynna once. What  _ they  _ did to her was… unspeakable.” She laments to the sky, a sudden shivers overtaking her. My expression remains stoic as my insides gleam with satisfaction as I recall the young girl on Tatooine, not delving in too much to keep the memory from the woman before me. My bloodied fingers tracing over the rises and falls of the girl’s face, dipping into her mouth and sliding my digits down her tongue. Just before snapping her neck with the pull of my fingers.

Her expression changes back to normal after she takes a moment to mourn a loss, I bite my tongue to contain my dislike for her reaction. So incredibly bland, watching her mourn the loss _dulls_ my mind completely, almost ruining my mood. Always abiding by the rules that were set, never straying from their individual paths, never _pushing_ any kinds of boundaries. Where in god's name was the fire, the _passion_ in their work? Seeing what fueled a Jedi almost made me sick; never ‘giving in’ or showing anger to other lifeforms. _Resisting_ fear? Fear is what got me started in the first place, used over my head at such a young age, to then dangle it over others as I had grown older, stronger. Passion is what continues me forward, a muse, something to look forward to indulging in. Hatred is the very thing that keeps us on track, replenishing me when all else failed. This is all I had known for so long. Living a life sectioning oneself away from these things… I could not imagine it.

“I’m Rey.” She declares with warmth from across the untouched snow. I send her a smile, one she takes as friendliness, as I had truly created it with nothing but a hateful intent. Now knowing the name of the Jedi I held such resentment for, killing one of our longest fighters within the Order. The Jedi who also turned my life upside down, ultimately ruining the relationship I had with  _ him. _

“I cannot find my sister on my own. I fear…” A slight pause for even  _ more  _ dramatic effect, reeling her in by the heart strings. “... I fear it already might be too late. I do not know how to navigate my way to find her.” I struggle out, thinking back to the Commander only as some kind of muse, remembering how I had felt as I wondered if it had been too late to salvage what was left between us. Now knowing there wasn’t anything left to lift from the ashes, it added even more validity to the argument I gave the girl.

Taking a rather dramatic, valiant step forward, she puts on a brave face as she sweeps in to save my day. “I will help you find your sister. How versed are you within the ways of the force?” She questions, crossing the unblemished coat of snow that separated us. I fight off the wanton urge to smirk, shrugging my shoulders tightly to release some amount of my pent up tension. “Just a smidge.”

She approaches even closer, letting me memorize the details of her face. Thinned brown hair piled into three wind-whipped buns on the back of her head, stray hairs similar to mine framing her face. Her eyes are a cool brown as her skin is an offwhite tone, not gaining much sun, but not residing in the shade all day long either. I stamp a mental note, wondering where else she spent the most of her days, maybe leading me to where the main Resistance base was located.

“I’ve never met anyone else like us before, my knowledge pales in comparison to yours, I’m sure.” A lie through my teeth, although, a good one at that. It is almost as if I am not lying, forcibly choosing to block out  _ him,  _ the only other force user I had grown to know over time. She frowns, surprised by my statement. 

“There are so many more of us out there, I have met them.” She insists, 

I am the one to frown next, genuinely taken back by what she had told me.

“There’s…  _ more  _ of us?” I ask of her, my mouth gaping open. The wind chills my teeth and I snap my lips shut just as my jaw begins to chatter. She nods eagerly, excited to be the one to give me this kind of news. Her eyes gleam with a bright hope, happy to see how relieved I truly was. I already felt as if we were friends, with the possibility of becoming even better acquainted some day, as she had used that good ole’ Resistance charm. 

“ _ So _ many more, of all ages and strengths, all across the galaxy. I can show you, if you’d like.” She affirms with such a strong stroke of kindness, to which I let slice me down the middle. I let the feeling reside in the gash she had created, full of hope, the possibility of others like me. It was not just the Commander and I left, as well as her. The end of the jedi was nowhere near, it had only begun.

My racing thoughts stab forward, into the cold present I had my boots sunken into, my numbed toes reminding me of why I was here in the first place. Yes, there were others like me, within the galaxy. Not all of them had been killed years ago.  _ That _ was a heartwarming feeling, knowing I wasn’t alone in this, Commander Ren wasn’t alone in this.  _ But _ , the force user that stood before me had stepped over the lines of the Jedi way,  _ killing  _ my Captain, my friend. There was an atonement in order, no matter who she was, or how alike the two of us were. She had still wronged the Order. She had wronged  _ me. _

The outlook of my gaze softens as my intent thickens, the cogs within my mind turning and opening up new doors I could simply  _ not  _ resist, as enticing as they were. “You can take me there?” I asked breathlessly, astonished. She nods happily upon my request, as if it was the most simple request in all the galaxy. Little did she know, letting me in on her little secret would prove to be, quite possibly, the biggest mistake any Jedi could have ever made.

“Once we save your sister, I can take you both back to our main base, you can meet the others and stay hidden from the First Order.” She urges with credibility, persuading me to join her and the Resistance. Oh, like sweet music to my ears her words have transformed into, lighting the embers of hope within my chest. My  _ passion  _ pulling me forward, my  _ hatred  _ fueling me just below. I cannot contain how badly I want to cry out, singing the song of victory as I have let her do all the work for me, staying true to the Jedi way, helping out where it was needed. She couldn’t have turned me down, not even if she tried.

“Oh, I have only dreamt of others like me.” I sing, my excitement rolling off of my tongue, my lips pulled back into such a tight smile, my face has lost feeling from the tension as well as the cold that licks my cheeks.

“Where would this main base be?” I ask of her, leaning in closer as I begin to pant with anticipation, awaiting those sweet words to unravel me completely. Upon the mention of whatever planet it was located, there would be no need to keep her alive, for she would have fulfilled her ultimate purpose, supplying me with where the rest of the Resistance was located, where  _ Skywalker  _ could be. I could simply snap her neck following the mention of her answer, the release of death washing over her before she ever knew what hit her. I await impatiently for the last piece of the puzzle I had been lost in for quite some time, as she begins to unveil it for me.

“Our main base has been stationed on-”

A throaty, reverberant yell sounds out from behind her in the distance, blanketing over her voice and silencing her before the best part was delivered to me. The yell bounces off of the dense hills of snow all around us, echoing and repeating with such urgency and determination. 

“REY!”

She and I both freeze before one another, examining each other’s faces as she is struck with confusion, while I have become overwrought. My line of sight furthers from just Rey, stretching off to the side to examine who this pestilent voice had belonged to.

And then I see him in the distance, I notice who he is. All worked up, believing he was saving the day, saving  _ Rey _ . I feel the slightest link kindling between him and I, his side pulls less weight as he has been barely introduced to the force. Running from it—no, keeping it a secret, tucked away and hidden from others. My anger and resentment rises for him, much further than what I had in store for her. 

Now I see he has ruined everything, all of the progress made between Rey and I. I  _ almost  _ had my chance, my storyline flawless and believable by even the most spirited of Jedi. Now there was no time for spinning tales, for he had undone everything. The present was ever-obvious and blatantly painful, no way to escape it. My blood boils into a thick paste, helping warm me from the inside out, burning at my skin to be released and spilled upon the snow.

“FN-2187.” I whisper almost inaudible, choking through clenched teeth. Deadpanning at the stormtrooper I had once known, had once trained years ago. He was nothing special, barely succeeding and making it into the FN division for clearance. Phasma had warned me about him, but somehow he managed to get his act together just in time to be appointed to a stormtrooper status. His stare only increases against mine, his eyes flickering from me and back to Rey a multitude of times.

“I haven’t seen you since…” I steam and trail off as his mind projects memories from a  _ long  _ time ago. Aligning with my own memory of my most traumatic injury, the rogue slice I had taken on the back of my leg, severing tendons, breaking through ligaments. Some of the worst days of my life followed after that injury, discovering I was force sensitive, my best friend working alongside the Resistance, the attacks that had been planned on me. Phasma’s  _ death. _ He pushes his memory of that day closer to me, filling in the missing pieces I had gone so long without. A perfect match.

“I am who struck you down on Exodeen, I went with those who fled the battlefield.” 

He rings out his confession with pride, filling my ears whole and striking me down with a slurry of emotions. My glare on him burns red hot within this raging cold, my hatred for him exceeding higher than I had ever felt for anymore before, putting what I held toward the Commander to shame. What he had accomplished was beyond forgivable, no kind of salvation for him to repent toward. Not only compromising my position, distorting the way I was viewed, ruining my life, but also deserting his division, abandoning his cause, and reforming into a _traitor._

Rey takes calculated steps backward and away from me as my lips twitch under the heavy cloak of wrath that covers me, my outrage rising from my bones and shaking my body in order to become released. I watch as his mouth opens the slightest bit, ready to unravel even more confessions that would ultimately slice me beneath my knees and send me toppling onto the snow. He coaxed Rey to come to his side, but I cut him off halfway. 

“TRAITOR!” I scream with every bit of strength, every fiber of my being, stretching my throat dry, frying my vocal chords completely with the intensity I have dug out deep within me, bringing it into the light. My voice echoes all around us, passing further through more mounds and hills of snow, carrying much further than he had. He looks terrified, his lips forming to mention something as a means of a rebuttal, but coming up short in the presence of all the hatred I had for a deserter such as him. Rey has now taken several steps backward, no longer wishing to be anywhere near me, the friendly ways of the Jedi having gone amiss.

He was the reason behind every setback over the last few months of my life. Not Rey, not the Commander. It was this obtuse, mindless, insignificant stormtrooper I had made the mistake of ever letting touch down onto any kind of battlefield.

He huffs, gulping down his worry for the situation. “Your problem isn’t with Rey, it’s with  _ me. _ Leave her be, take me instead.” He bargains, Rey’s head instantly snapping to face him. She frowns immensely, shaking her head in protest as she mumbles incoherent objections. An unwanted smile rips across my lips, gleaming so intensely it stung my lips, already chapped as they were exposed to the harsh weather conditions. He wasn’t  _ stupid _ , he knew what I was here for.

“You’d ask for that, of course you would.” I whispered to myself beneath a chuckle, loud enough for both of them to distinguish against the whirring of the wind, slicing through us and past us without any intention of slowing. As she had stepped backward and he had trudged forward, they now stood only a few feet apart to switch roles. The ex-trooper puts himself before her, offering himself in her place. Easy, my prey lined up in order of importance.

Just as I begin to utter my next string of words to tear into him, I cut back as strong blue current blazes from Rey’s grasp, snapping my attention to her completely.

“Neither of us are going  _ anywhere.  _ You can leave, to go back from where you truly came. Things don’t have to be the way you are imagining them to be.” Rey begs and yells against the wind from behind her lightsaber, striking and blinding as it is powerful. She wields the weapon in such a peculiar way, one I had never seen in all my days teaching and training. It was as if she had barely gotten to know her weapon, unsure of herself, unsure of what she and the saber could accomplish.

“She’s not going anywhere Rey, that’s not who she is. That’s not what she believes.” He pleads to her, his eyes unwavering from my own. I nod at them both, my lips pressing together tightly to form a grin. Maybe he wasn’t as brainless as I pegged him to be, understanding that I could never let a murderer and a traitor go unchecked, especially when the two were known to be with the Resistance. I was ready for  _ something. _ A two for one special, or the death of one and the capture of another, either I was compliant with.

My cheeks ache with delight, my grin having strengthened over time. “The way I see it, someone is going to die, while the other accompanies me back to my shuttle.” I tease, eyeing down both of them as my interest peaks. I send messages of my intent to them, happy with any kind of outcome. I was surging with anticipation to see what they would agree upon. 

The deliverance of her death would bring me joy, knowing I had avenged Captain Phasma, as well as quelling the Commander’s worry and detesting, taking down his uncle’s student. But the song his death would sing would be one to the tune of revenge, having killed the very thing that killed my passion, my fire to continue forth, diminishing everything I knew. Taking either of them back to the Death Star and beating the information of the main base out of them would prove to be exciting as well, a fine distraction from what had gone on between Commander Ren and I.

“You can  _ leave  _ us with your life while you can, I will not warn you again.” Rey declares from behind the once stormtrooper, passing by him to step in front. He objects, placing himself in front of her. “Rey, listen to me.” He places his hand in front of her saber, to only watch her fill with grief. He interjects as she babbles nonsense to him. “She is willing to die for this, she will not go down empty handed.”

“Neither will I.” The Jedi corrects against him, showing that valiancy from before. This is enough talking for me to endure, shoving my hand outward and sending the ex stormtrooper across the expansive sheets of snow. He yells as he soars through the air, landing so deep within the frost, no sign of him left as more snow covers over him as a sign of struggle against the cold. She turns to me, full of disbelief and growing anger, as I unlatch my electro staff from my hip and motion it to my hand in one fluid motion. My frozen hand is stiffened and dead against the staff as it springs outward, snapping on at my side. The red, electric current basks against the sheer snow below, the sun’s rays of orange fleeting to nothing as the only light left comes from the glow of our weapons.

She runs full force toward me, which I had apprehended, stepping off to the side with a huff. My limbs have grown rigid and sore from the cold, each step proving to be more painful than the last. I already want to cry out in frustration, knowing I would have fought along with her just fine on any other god forsaken planet. Why in all the galaxy did it have to be subzero.

I turn and recognize her moves once more, ducking and dodging out of the way of her saber, the blue rod swinging by my side. Her moves aren’t as childish as I once thought, but still, showing no sense of combat training in her days. She swings that cobalt saber of hers with reckless and wild abandon, pressing her eyes shut and gritting her teeth tight. I simply move out of the way of her attacks. I watch as she grows more anxious with her moves, becoming sloppier as she has yet to come in contact with me.

I move with care and patience, yet with every shape I contort my body into while evading her childlike attacks, my muscle tissue aches and  _ burns  _ to stop. Having grown so utterly cold and trying to fight was like freezing a rubber band and expecting the elasticity to stretch to great lengths, hoping it wouldn’t grow dingy and snap in half. 

Yet to make a single move on her, I see she is tiring out, her panting breaths exhausting me secondhand to merely observe. As she lunges toward me from the side, I stick my staff out to the side and sweep upward. The sharp, electrified blade cuts through her upper bicep, a clean slice through the material of her jacket to leave a scarlet line across her skin. She yelps and grabs her arm, flinching backward as she stumbles over her feet that sink too far into the snow. 

“We can stop this, you can come with me.” I toy as I bring my staff to my side, growing tired of fighting her. I wondered how she had managed to wound Captain Phasma so badly, ultimately killing her all together. I couldn’t believe this was the same woman I was fighting, I expected more.

“I’m not going anywhere with you.” She shouts against the cries of the wind, beginning to pick up even more. She thrusts her saber out toward me, the weapon practically carrying her body in tow with the weight of her throw. A  _ bit  _ more fire in her tactics, something that was almost worthy of fighting against. I sigh, casting my arm out and shoving her backwards. She lands amongst the snow, startled in my knowledge of the force. She gathers to her feet, but I can see how much of a toll the conditions of Hoth have taken out on her, as I feel them demanding dues from me as well. 

“Rey! Stop!” He screams from back in the distance, having broken free from his snow prison. I watch as she actively ignores him, her hand twitches at her side, as if she were ready to shove him back into the snow as I had. Her hand rises back to the saber’s hilt, swinging out at me once more. I counter her attack by ducking to the ground, kicking her legs out from under her, unsure if my blade could withstand her saber. The moment I hear the boy’s cry, watching him make his best efforts to run to her safety, I cast an arm out in his direction, hauling him backward and into the pillowy snow once more.

The girl fights off groans as I rise to stand, lifting her back off of the snow to fall back into it. The weather was too awful to fight in, maybe this wasn’t a fair game. I almost feel sorry for her as I watch her worm her way to her feet, wincing and looking back for the boy. He still manages to cry out to her as he is entrapped within the snow.

“There  _ are _ others like us, you can still meet them. It does not have to go this way.” She begs, her voice stretching up higher than the wind. I shake my head dismissively, stepping toward her and swinging my staff. She steps back but my blade moves faster than her saber, slicing through the same arm once more. Now she cries out and swings her saber to release the pain she had so obviously felt, floundering off to the side and a distance away from me.

“Where is the Jedi that killed one of my own on Ryloth? It cannot be  _ you. _ ” I burn the words into the icy air surrounding us, singeing into her from a distance. She looks revolted as she squeezes her saber tight within her grasp, choking up on the hilt with anticipation. I watch as her lips form to respond, but fall flatly as the disturbance in the force snaps us to a new kind of realization. 

The rippling comes from just over the hill, stretching across only a few thousand feet and striking into my chest with great brawniness. The girl’s face reads horrified, as if I had found a secret she had been trying to hide, as it was too late. With such a wild tune my heart beats, excited, anticipating who had been behind the hill.  _ Skywalker? _ A worthy opponent, the one who had slain Phasma? Someone I could take back to the order, granting me the discharge from my duties I had only ever dreamed of? I looked to the hill this feeling had pulsated from, just beyond the boy who then mistakenly chosen to open his mouth to ward off the mystery force user.

“Gen-” His cries are cut silent, abruptly, as my hand has ejected out toward him. I tense my hand ever so slightly, feeling all my anger and resentment transfer through my chest to expel through my frozen digits. To my amazement, lightning, hotter than the blade of my staff, expels brightly from the tips of my fingers and passes straight through the boy. I gasp backward, reeling my hand in and examining my blackened, singed finger tips.

Immediately I am followed by the absence of what little presence he held within the force as it shudders around us, after having dimmed his flame so suddenly. I feel it in my chest, as if I was never supposed to feel this in the first place. It does not sit with me right, it fills me with sorrow for the first time, never having regretted  _ killing  _ someone before. I had meant to kill him, I  _ wanted  _ to kill him for what he had done to me, but I didn’t know it would make me feel like this.

The top half of the girl’s body falters, slouching as she howls to the wind. I feel her heartache for him as it transfers to me. I feel as if I could cry, the pain is so intense. I had killed so many in my lifetime, but a Jedi? He hadn’t even tapped into what was stored within him, a place I knew all too well when the Commander wanted to train me and teach me his ways. Inside I knew what I had done was right, killing a member of the Resistance, so why did my heart tell me I was wrong?

I am taken by sheer surprise as the girl screams at the top of her lungs, jumping through the air and into me. I panic, jumping out of my skin and rolling to my side. The edge of her saber clips my arm, my fingers attaching to the wound with a swift worry as I feel the pain electrify throughout my skin. I bite my lip and roll onto my feet, staff out to my side.

She had awoken.

Again, she lunges toward me and I miraculously evade her, only by a hair. Her face has grown exceptionally tense, her tearful eyes never finding anywhere else to occupy other than on me. She steps to me as I lay within the snow, so I swing my staff out to her feet. She is able to watch as I do so, jumping into the air before her ankles were able to be slashed. Above me, she raises her saber into the air, sending it downward with all her might.

Stupefied, I wriggle to the side to keep from being impaled, the saber’s glow passing through the snow and sizzling directly by my ear. I roll onto my stomach and away from her, struggling to catch my breath as my mind catches up with everything I had just witnessed only moments ago.

I am too slow as I feel the glow of the saber slice entirely down my back. The pain is so strong I fall onto my stomach, taking a face full of snow. I push my muffled cries through the layers of snow, lifting my head and sending an arm out to knock her off her feet, a way to give myself more time to react. As I sit up, the cold and rigid muscles within my back scream in pain, the wound against my spine opening up the more I move. The chill of the wind creeps into my jacket, the article proving not much help to me any longer. The pain has become so intense it blurs my vision, giving me no distractions so I can feel it completely.

Hardly finding balance on my knees, I jolt my staff outward to her in a fit of range, cutting through the side of her stomach. She then yelps with pain, flinching inward and falling to her own knees after having just risen. She had become unnerved, a seething glare that was alike the faces of those I was known to fight, amongst the twisted expression she gave as she tried to block out the pain. A useless tactic, when she could hone in on that pain and use it to her advantage. Easier said than done, but I had put this to practice more times than I could count.

  
  


I slug off of one of my knees in an attempt to stand, my ankles brittle and weak against the cold, my own weight feeling as difficult to withstand as if I had suddenly gained the weight of the galaxy on my shoulders. My knees buckle as I am sent back down into the snow, the girl struggling on her own to gather to her feet. She swashes her saber out to me, in a daze I held up my staff before me as she had moved too quickly for me to apprehend. Her blade slices my staff in half, the tip of the saber just barely grazing my jacket and singeing the material, the warmth of its glow heating my chest. The blade burns over my eye ever so faintly, jump starting my defenses.

I fall backward onto my hands, the sound of my blades sizzling against the snow and melting it at my sides as I stretch and contort my back in the worst way possible, the pain too horrible to move on from. She cries out, jumping forward and swinging her saber once more. I roll out of the way, her saber slicing the side of my thigh. The red hot pain ignites my passion as it swipes across me, I scream and leap on top of her, pinning her arms down with my knees.

With one end of the staff in my right hand, I jab downward to her neck, hoping for a nice and easy cut straight through her, putting us both out of our misery. Her hand upturns against the snow, halting my actions and freezing the blade a few inches before her neck. The red current snaps and sputters, the electric tendrils licking the flesh of her neck ever so slightly. She lets out gasps and groans as it traces over her skin, covering more of her the harder I push forward. I furrow my brow down and fight to break through her force hold, but to my dismay weapon is ripped from my grasp, flying out past the ex-stormtrooper’s final resting place.

Like clockwork, I take my less dominant hand and attempt to strike her neck, falling back into the same routine with her, apprehending my move and blocking the blade from ever piercing through her porcelain skin. Her hand to the side of her, grasping at her saber and wiggling it around in the snow mixes with the red of my blade, casting shades of plum onto the snow, a meld of magenta snapping shadows across our faces.

Momentarily, I let myself think back to the Commander, honing in on not only the pain I felt within this moment, but the pain he had given me. Recalling the heart ache, remembering how easily he had shrugged me off, like I didn’t mean anything to him. Letting everything settle back into my mind, only for a moment to gain leverage. I dust off memories of how  _ good _ it felt to stand by his side, and how badly it felt to purposefully put distance between us upon his unyielding request.

I grow angry at the fact that I wouldn’t ever feel his lips on mine, reciprocated or not, ever again. I recall how full and flushed they felt, for a short moment. Never having a chance to feel what it would be like for him and I to finally  _ mold  _ together in unison. I bite my lip, suppressing the beginnings of tears that threatened to pool the edge of my eyes if I continued on. I press down into her with a new strength, my mind absolutely erratic with the objective of getting out of this alive.

The blade singes the skin of her throat as she wriggles against it, blood curdling cries sing out alongside the glow of our weapons. The other end of my separated staff is flung from my hand, I rise higher onto her body and grasp my hands around her singed neck before the staff is ever able to sink into the snow. She sends her knee to collide into the center of my back, weakening my grip around her neck and jumping at the chance to shove my weight off of her.

She rolls onto me, trapping my arms at my sides as she squeezes her legs against my body, heaving just as she raises her saber to end me. I clench my hand at my side, her blade pointed directly to my upper chest, just below my collar bone. My face contorts as I focus all my might on never letting that damned saber pass through me, knowing well enough it would be my undoing. She pants and groans on top of me as I growl and grind my teeth to powder, worried the veins in my neck would rupture if I strained myself any further.

Once more I let myself muse back to the Commander, for purposes of keeping myself  _ alive.  _ I think of all the things I wanted to do, all the things I could accomplish for him to see, for him to  _ regret _ pushing me away. I needed to stay alive, I needed to return to the Death Star with some kind of victory. I wanted him to realize I  _ could  _ master the ways of the force, that my ‘personal strife’ was not as much of a deterrence as he assumed it was. I  _ could  _ take down a jedi, bringing her to justice while opening the door to better return stability to the galaxy.

The head of her saber sears a hole into my jacket and I flinch deeper into the snow, hoping to find some way to evade the neverending glow. The heat scorches through the thin material of my uniform, scalding and blistering my skin underneath. I wail and howl into the air as I upturn my head to the sky, unable to watch the blade broil my skin raw. The tip of the saber had cooked my skin so thoroughly I almost didn’t notice it had passed through. 

I surge my strength forward, her lightsaber thrusted from her grasp to sail through the air and far away from the two of us. Astonished, the grip of her legs momentarily releases me, giving me time to send a punch through the air. I sit forward and clobber her chin, sending her flying backward to lay in the snow. She shrieks, holding her jaw in her landing spot as I sit upright slowly, my sight blurred against the wind, my eyes heavy from all the effort it took to fight in these conditions.

I cover my chest, a bloodied gash collecting snow as it rained down all around us. I place a palm underneath me to better help me get to my feet, when I feel the dampened and sticky snow beneath me, soaking into my pants and lining my jacket. The slice down my back had bled more than I realized, losing a good amount of blood. I grow lightheaded as my eyes focus in the dark, the discoloration in the snow standing out for me to easily see, almost like I had been laying down on a darkened rug. I shudder and groan, refocusing my eyes on the girl.

I crawled over to her, taking my time as my vision began to wane, nausea as well as a tremor throughout my entire body setting in. She lays in a similar pool of her own blood, the wounds I had dished out slowly catching up with her. She raises an arm in defence and I smack it away, sending the blow to her nose. She bleats and covers her face immediately, swiftly raising her leg and kicking me in the chest with her boot, directly over the entryway her saber had created.

I fly onto my back, covering my chest with my jacket and placing both hands over the material to press into. I sob, the pain so deep I couldn’t bare it, sticking out my lower lip as if I were a young child. Cold, in pain, many parsecs away from the only person I really cared about. Even mid-fight, I still mused toward him. I couldn’t fight him off even when I deliberately placed the blinders between us to do just that— _ blind  _ myself of him for our own good.

I roll over onto my stomach, curling my legs into my chest and applying my body weight as pressure to my wound. This alleviates and douses the pain, but creates an even more alarming ache on my backside, the clean slice down the middle ripping open wider and wider. I yell into the snow, kicking my boot out to stomp her where I had sliced her arm. She cries out, moving her hands from her face and grabbing her arm, scooting away from me in protest.

Gradually I slug myself up and rise to my knees, sliding through the snow to get closer to her. “Enough!” She wails, her cries muffled as her bloodied hands faintly graze over her nose, protecting it. I disregard her pleas, only stopping as I feel the blood trickle down my spine and line the waistband of my pants. My backside is completely coated in blood, the wind surges and bites the exposed skin. “Don’t go this way!” She carps against the wind, still scooting away from me. As I close in on her, she sends a punch out that I had never apprehended, knocking me down to my rear after her fist collides into my cheekbone.

I mewl and lament into my hand, daintily tracing over the tenderized skin. I hadn’t been in a proper fist fight with anyone since the Commander, even then, he knew when to stop. This time, it was a fair fight, but I wasn’t satisfied just yet, though I knew I needed to leave if I wanted to make it back alive.

She sits up and crawls on her hand and knees, going to summon her saber to, what I assumed, finish the job. I pounce onto her before she has the chance, her body flipping onto her back as I lay on top of her. I shimmy to sit over her, socking her directly in the mouth, her neck jerking upward as her mouth spews blood over my knuckles. I press my body weight into her, snapping my hand outward to focus on and summon the saber.

It spirals through the air, landing in my hand and igniting as I press into it. The blue glow washes over her face, detailing her fear and utter despair as I have wielded her own weapon. It illuminates the blood surrounding us, covering and soaking into our clothing. I lower it to her chest, planning on branding her the same way she had branded me, only being put to a stop as it barely skims her jacket. She screams, using the force to push the blade closer to me. I fight against it, fumbling my fingers around the hilt as they have grown numb and almost entirely useless. Mistakenly, I fumble, the blade cutting into my shoulder, just enough to snap me out of my daze to push it back and closer to her.

Out of everyone I could possibly think of, only the Commander incited such determination into me, fueling and guiding me even in his absence, even if we weren’t on good terms. I use him as a weapon on his own, a place to draw inspiration from when I need to most. When I feel as if I could not dig any deeper, I had him to tap into. I press the tip of the saber into her chest, cauterizing her skin as she shrieks in agony. It was working, it always did. He did something to me that was much stronger than all my efforts combined. Would I always do this, when I found myself struggling and in need? Would he always be that person for me? Was  _ I  _ that person for  _ him? _

Before I could press any further into her than she already had to me, the saber passed through my fingers to leave them empty and grasping the cold, the weapon twirling through the air to be grasped by a new set of hands from afar. I feel this person’s energy within the force, wiser and more fortified than the likes of the girl below me and myself combined. Suddenly, I am flung off the girl and far backward, away from the splotches of blood that coated the snow. I landed on my back, knocking out whatever breath I had left in my lungs. I observe the girl as her limp body is motioned through the snow and closer to whoever wielded the lightsaber, the figure bending down to cast their gaze upon her, their head then motioning upward to find me.

I convulse amongst the snow in fear as the figure reads into me from so far away, focusing their might, sent through wind and the sleet to pass through my mind. I rip my body away from the hold, noticing they do not force me to stay put as I scatter across the snow to gain distance between myself and them. Stewing within the presence of their strength was reason enough to high-tail it out of there; if I stuck around, they would kill me, there wasn’t a doubt about it in my mind, I didn’t have the strength to contend with someone new. I needed to leave, I  _ had  _ to leave.

On my hands and knees, I begin to crawl through the snow, intent on carrying myself this way for the entire duration of the way back to the shuttle, as long as I would be out of this force user’s grasp. I didn’t care if it was Skywalker, I didn’t care if it was  _ anyone  _ important to the Order. It was such a sudden, austere shift within my mind to decide to leave all objectives behind, with such a strong intent to make it home alive. 

I reflected my thoughts to the Commander, using him once more to carry myself back to the shuttle. My heart burns at the thought of never seeing him again, dying on this frozen planet and never knowing what could have been. I didn’t care if there was truly nothing for us, nothing written in the stars, nothing of even the most platonic of friendships for us to fall into. I simply wanted to  _ live,  _ to see him and know he was alright. If I never was meant to see his face again, I would put up with that damned helmet of his for the remainder of my days, only if it meant I made it back alive to be in the presence of it.

“Stop!” I hear called out far behind me, a woman’s voice, different from the girl I had been fighting. I wince, moving faster and not letting myself think of the gruelling journey I had to make. My fingers curled into fists as I stamped them through the snow, no longer able to feel them as I used them to balance upon like metal rods. 

Drops of blood trickle down the side of my face and stain the snow below, leaving a fine trail to follow on the path I had created. I grow woozy at the sight, the tears lining my face beginning to freeze in place. I wriggle out of the blood soaked jacket, peeling away from my uniform, only weighing me down at this point. My blood had soaked completely into the pillowy wool of the inside, the crimson alluding to how far into this I was, no amount of this situation was within my grasp. I had failed in my efforts toward what I set out for, now I wasn’t even sure if I could make it back unscathed. My dampened back hits the chill of the air, experiencing the cold air like never before, as if an antiseptic had been poured over the wound.

“Stop!” The same voice repeats, growing louder and showing their adamance as they had pushed through the snow in hopes of reaching me. My chest shudders as I cry out, my voice breaking as my limbs falter and cave inward. I collapse, the side of my face lined with snow, the joints in my body too frozen over in order to work properly. I want to reach out, to lift the veil between the Commander and I, to see if he had lowered it on his end. To see if he sensed my pain, my worry, the regret that filled me. I peak through, only the slightest bit, sending bits of information to him, unable to unfurl enough to hear him, too timid to see what he would say.

I only wanted to accomplish this on my own, using the force to guide me, without his helping hand, kind or not. I grit my teeth and lower the veil once again, having taken already too much effort and energy to muse toward him. I was not going to seek out his help, I would let myself die before going through with it.

So this was how I went, not at the hands of my friend that had turned allegiance to the Resistance, not at the hands of the men in the hallway that wanted to hurt me in the worst ways possible. Far from home, the cold and the extent of my injuries neck and neck, competing to see what would kill me first, right as this new challenger stepped up to the fight.  _ She _ would definitely hand me my demise, as I had no fight left in me.

I hear the crunch of her boots breaking through the snow, feeling the blood pool beneath me as I had paused long enough in the same spot. Her boots stop directly in front of my line of vision, I exhale, a sign of defeat. Maybe this was what the Commander had felt on Rodia, when he didn’t care to show me how to heal him, to save his life. I hated that I had to come to this realization only now in  _ this  _ awful of a situation, just to feel the slightest bit more connected to him than I had beforehand.

“You know him?”

I frown, coughing blood into the snow. The substance sticks around my lips, coating my tongue as it rises in my throat. I don’t have it in me to answer, too paralyzed with pain to understand what she was insinuating. Either way, I wasn’t keen on entertaining the inquiries of a Resistance member during my last living moments. I bury my face into the snow, hoping to the gods she would leave me be, to succumb to the cold or to bleed out and die. She exhales, leaning down and getting closer to me.

“Ben… you carry him with you, wherever you go.” She begins, asking as a question but still posing it as a statement she believed to be true. I turn my face out of the snow and breathe in to speak, the blood in my throat getting caught up and choking me. I sputter and cough even more, the strength it took to raise my head off of the pooling blood beneath me all too strenuous to do once more. My lip quivers from the cold, my teeth chatter uncontrollably. “R-ren?” I rasp, unsure if I had heard her correctly or not. She takes a silent moment to herself, then placing a gentle hand on my back. I watch her do so but feel absolutely nothing, my body totally numbed to the cold, or the amount of adrenaline coursing through me because of the pain, most definitely the only thing keeping me alive.

I hear her sigh once more, rising to her feet. “I won’t do this for you… but for  _ him. _ ” She professes to me, almost inaudible against the howling of the wind. Unable to question, as I was too far gone to care about what she had meant, I feel my stomach and legs lift off of the snow, hovering maybe a foot off of the ground. Weightless, she begins to walk forward, keeping a hand turned out toward me, moving me alongside of her.

She glides me above the snow as she trudges in unison, both of us making our way in the direction I had tried to set out on my own. The wind whips my hair into my numbed face, blocking my vision of the snow beneath me whenever I chose to peak through my lashes. I feel myself fading in and out, that deep, restful sleep so close within my grasp. The woman by my side always catches on before I sink too deep, reaching in and pulling me from the depths of my injuries, relentlessly keeping me from falling asleep.

She keeps me half alive for the remainder of our walk. She walks for hours, the same route I had made on my way to find the girl, as the force had led me. I gain a bit more strength as I am no longer supporting myself in any way, the gusting wind and snow still chilling me to the bone while she carries me to the side of her. I see the shuttle in the distance and nearly weep, keeping it within me as a courtesy to the strangers kindness. 

We approach the shuttle, her arm directed outward as she effortlessly brings down the ramp. She sets me down at the bottom of the entrance, where the slope met the snow. I stare up in wonderment at the stranger, having gone to great lengths, carrying me back to the ship. And for what?

My neck hangs, sloppily holding my head up the best it could as I peeked through the strands of hair covering my vision. I watched her as she tried to form the right words, only to close her mouth and observe me more intensely, a somber look etched onto her features. I take in that she is older, grayed hairs over what used to be a deep brown, a weathered, but beautiful face that had surely been through a lot throughout her days. The bun on her head, encapsulating her hair is rather neat, a few stray hairs lining her face. She was well dressed for the snow, wearing a thick jacket that kept her snug within.

“I want you to know—you might be the only one he has around that cares for him.”

She hesitates to wait for my expression, which only comes as a frown of my brow, my face still too numbed to make any other distinguishable reaction. I cough, splattering blood onto the ramp. She kneels down, smoothing the hair out of my eyes. I flinch away from her, but she proceeds on, placing a hand on my shoulder. Her eyes press shut as I feel her gentle entry, much fainter and more kind compared to the Commander in the past. I let her do so, unsure of what time I have left, but still interested in why she had done what she had done. I can feel her skim over past interactions with  _ him _ , like Rodia and Tatooine, as well as the day he saved me from bleeding from my eyes, nose, ears and mouth.

She releases my shoulder, her eyes opening with more validation than before. With the nod of her head, she no longer holds the hesitancy she had from before.

“Please, do not give up on what you have with him. When the day comes where he wants to return home,  _ go  _ with him.”

My jaw slacks with confusion, my head thudding to the ramp as she stares down at me with great intent.

_ Commander Ren? _

I sent out to her, unsure and afraid of what exactly I was doing, conversing with someone of the Resistance. I had grown too weak for words, but I feared that without my injuries, I would still falter to utter his name out loud. I didn’t know if I had the strength to.

She simply nods her head, her amiable hand reaching out to touch the side of my face. She delivers me another lending hand to pull me from sinking too far away from her, bringing me back up to the surface. My eyes refocus better on her face, becoming all too similar to a familiar one back home that I had burned into every inch of my mind. Her signature stamp within the force feels somewhat versed with the Commander’s, my mind too slow to keep up with the flux of information coming my way. Slowly but surely, I pieced everything together.

She stands just as I part my lips to speak, walking to the side of the shuttle and bringing back a circular figure covered in snow. “Does this belong to you?” She asks, setting down, to what I had only then noticed to be, BB-9E. Upon seeing him in this way, I weep the smallest bit, biting my lip and reaching over to embrace my droid. Cold to the touch, his head barely manages to swivel to mine, clicking and jerking with a few frets and sputters. Unable to function the way he should, weakened as the cold had gotten to him, the snow most likely melted into his harddrive and compromised his capabilities.

I curse the damn droid, too worried to call for help on his own, worrying about me and wanting to be by my side, even though he had all the information within the galaxy at his disposal to differentiate that it wasn’t plausible or realistic. I bet he didn’t last a full hour in my absence before attempting to wheel himself through the snow to find me, never having gotten far before the harsh conditions proved to be too much for him to handle. My poor, poor droid. I nod, giving her a look of thanks, the best I could conjure up.

“You need to get going now, before it’s too late.” She suggests, shooing me with her hands. My lips quiver and jerk, searching my mind to find something worthy to say. Was she really who I thought she was, who I had heard so many things about? I have so much to say, so many questions to ask, in regards to the force, in regards to the Commander. The connection I felt with her felt  _ good,  _ like all was right in the galaxy, yet this came from a Resistance member? She motions my body up the ramp as she sees I have made no progress. She nods her head in my direction once more before closing her hand, the ramp rising up slowly and closing completely. I slide down the rest of the way to the floor of the shuttle as it locks into place, BB-9 falling out of my grasp and rolling away from me as I land onto the ground.

The warmth the tiled floor provides me with is unlike any other pleasure I had ever experienced, knowing full well I would have to make it home in order to feel any more of life’s pleasures. Pieces of BB-9 break off around me, small beeps coming from him as he tries to speak. “Shhh.” I tell him as I raise my head and reach from him, motioning his small body against mine.

I scoot my body across the floor, sliding my way closer to the hallway. I prop myself on my arms, the blood that pools below me giving me better leverage to slide myself. I shimmy out of my snowpants, as they only slowed me down. I slip in my own blood, the ache of my limbs sings through the air, a song I never wished to hear in the first place. I kept the droid close to my side, the dead silence of the shuttle enough causation for me to fall asleep right then and there, into a sleep I was sure I wouldn’t wake up from. I pass through the doorway to wiggle my way across the room, setting BB-9 off to the side and hoisting my body up into the pilot’s seat, my body nearly falling onto the control panel at the observation of the many buttons to choose from.

I started the engines, the only thing I really knew how to do in regards to getting the shuttle from point A to point B. My vision blurs slightly and my body sways as I struggle to recall what my droid had done for me on our way here. I curse myself for not paying attention, for not  _ forcing  _ the Commander to teach me how to man a damn shuttle on my own, recalling how Captain Peavey had been injured for simply  _ asking. _

I enter the coordinates of the Death Star, feeling my neck begin to give out as my back falls in line. I lean all the way forward, humming out a lazy breath, beginning to cry a bit more as I was unlikely to make it home alive. Blood coats the buttons as I press them, the seat below me covered in it as well. My droid beeps nothing useful from the ground, delirious and speaking almost in tongues. 

I read the different buttons, slipping out of consciousness for a moment to only snap back to life as the gashes littering my body revolt. Through a haze I lock in our destination and press multiple other buttons, seeing to depressurize the shuttle, then locking down all of the doors within the shuttle. Once this was accomplished, the button to finalize everything and take off lit up after hiding itself for so long. Lazily, I buckle myself into my seat, never too far gone to remember this. After doing so I press the damned button, holding on to dear life of the wheel, feeling it rattle and shake within my grasp. 

I pull back on the wheel, like I had observed before. The magnitude of take off slides me further back into the seat from my spot on the edge, my whole body jiggling along with the shuttle. The weight pushed onto me nearly lulls me to sleep as we break through the thermosphere, quickly jutting outward and reaching hyperspace. I hear BB-9 yell as his body rolls into the back of the room, smashing against the wall.

I let go of the wheel while the shuttle kicks down to a more comfortable rumble, as I have done all I can do. Unbuckling, I slink out of the seat and onto the floor, curling into a ball. I extend my fingers, slowly but surely, rolling BB-9 closer to me. He beeps, a crescendo of sounds to a somber tune as he comes closer.

His small head ticks and clicks as it is jammed in an awkward angle, as his movements are jarred and limited. I shift his body to better see me, dusting off the powdered snow he adorned, knowing it wouldn’t help his case, but hoping to make him feel better either way. “I told you to stay in the shuttle.” I bemoan, shedding a few tears before the droid. He releases his mechanical arm from the compartment on his chest, his way of applying pressure to the gaping wound on my chest, ready to apply a bacta patch. My lip trembles at how selfless he could be, shaking my head and manually driving his arm back into the slot it came from.

“No, no. It’s no use, do not worry yourself.” I express, full of sadness and adoration for him. He protests, wanting to continue on. He begins to short circuit, his head craning to the side and twitching, stuck in a loop. The inner mechanics of his body were too compromised, he wouldn’t last the duration of the trip home. “Margot. I sleep.” He barely makes out, his words a lower tone than usual. I nod, pressing my lips together to fight off the urge to weep.

“Shift is over. Rest.” He adds on. I nod once more, his wording erratic and clipped off. He sounds worried, ready to fall asleep as it was too much work for him to keep himself on in this kind of state. I had never seen him like this, in all my years of having him, he proved to be rather durable. He didn’t know what it was like to enter anything behind his general rest mode.

“Yes, you’ve accomplished so much today. You’re done now, you can rest.” I whimper to him, trying to provide as much comfort as I could, as the life he knew was slipping away from him, no longer making much sense.

I knew myself or someone else could fix him back at the Death Star, but it still hurt to see him so scared, knowing I was severely injured. I hoped to the maker I could pull through this, just to see him again, for him to see me. I feared how badly he would break upon waking and looking for me, to be told I didn’t make it home alive.

The image of a retired droid pangs my mind, powered down and collecting dust in a dark corner of a random closet lining the hallway of the Death Star. Never to be used again, too upset to wake and find a new purpose, a new master. I hear the faint hum deep within him slow down to nothing, the light near his viewfinder dimming until his head fell lopsided. I let myself cry, manually opening one of his compartments to record a message of myself, unsure of how else to ensure the rest of his working days would be enjoyable as they might be devoid of me.

As I press a button on the recording device, a small lens pops out on the end of a wire, facing me head on as I hear a beep. I sniffle and frown, readying myself to speak.

“In lieu of my passing, this BB-unit is to be placed within the ownership of our Commander.” I pause, my lips quivering at the slightest mention of him, then continuing. “BB-9E is a fine droid and does not belong within the ranks below me, anything less would be a disservice to him.” I cough into my hand, blood spilling through the cracks between my fingers. I leaned forward and ended the video recording before I was able to show how desolate and pitiful I was on the shuttle, placing it so that he would play the recording for whoever powered him back on. I grimace as I collapse to my side and lay in my scarlet pool, remembering the conversation I had with my droid on our way to the icy planet, when I had mentioned the Commander would  _ never  _ be his owner. I slide him away from me as my blood reaches him, too weak to wipe it from his body.

The hum of the shuttle beats against my cheek as it rests on the tiled floor, my lashes brushing against one another, completely ready to fall into the deep sleep that lies ahead. I pry them open, lifting my head, as the chore it was to do so, looking around for the cable for the shuttle’s comm device I had so stupidly yanked from the ceiling. 

I crawl around the floor, unable to see the stray wire that would definitely make my life much easier, ensuring my survival. Taking notice of the trail of blood I had circled around the cockpit, I gave up, laying on my side and bringing my knees to my chest as best I could without hurting the wound that split my back down the middle, or the weeping gash on my chest. Selfishly, I let myself drift off into a light sleep, wishing for the release of death if it meant the pain would be lifted. I had tried my best to find my way home, the Commander would know that. Maybe he would find a way ‘home’, wherever his may be, as the woman only ever alluded to it.

The shuttle jostles and sways back and forth as it teases me lightly out of my sleep, before something solid sweeps underneath, the sound of metal clashing against metal abruptly jolting me further into consciousness. I look for it everywhere, but find no sight of strength within me to sit up, to call out a name, saying  _ something. _ I hear commotions from outside the shuttle, the sound of the ramp being forced open. I shudder as the blood underneath chills me, the blast doors opening to let in several pairs of scurrying boots.

“Here, she’s here!” I hear called out, someone then rushing to my side and pulling me close. They lift my head as my neck has no effort to keep itself steady, letting out a sigh of relief once I have recognized the familiar colors of troopers, black and white blurred figures filling my vision. My hearing begins to wax and wane, tunnel vision overtaking me and exacting on some spots to focus on while everything else darkened and remained out of focus. I desperately pointed my focused vision all around as best I could, never finding the darkened figure I so desperately yearned for, even though I knew I shouldn’t expect him to be there for me, not anymore.

I hear talk of how badly I am injured, I suppose, as the words are hard to make out, but the tone is one I had stooped to in times of observing those who had little to no chance of making it out alive. I shudder in their arms, fluxing in and out as questions are posed, but I am too out of it to understand and respond. I keep my eyes open, awaiting the tall, helmeted figure I wanted to sweep me away so badly, as wrong as I knew it was to wish. Sets of hands wave over my eyes, gathering my attention. 

I distinguish faint mentionings of the Commander, snapping my little attention to become more alert. One shakes their head, rising me off the ground and setting me onto a transferable table, starting to clip away at the material of my shirt and pants to better assess my injuries. 

“Inform General Hux we have found Commandant Arkin, while our Commander still remains missing.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 29 pages ahh!! I really liked writing this chapter, how did everyone like reading it? Any guesses for what could happen next? Can you think of a reason why Ren isn't on the Death Star? 
> 
> If anyone ever falls confused, shoot a comment and I'd be happy to clear up any questions you could have. You guys seem so cool, I wish we all could be friends in real life. <3
> 
> Let me know your thoughts and what you hope to see in future chapters. 
> 
> As always, thank you immensely for continuing to read my story. (3000 hits, holy shit!!)  
> xx


	24. Chapter 24

My eyes peel open lazily, drowsy beyond belief. The light in the room is all too bright to become acclimated to. Through hooded lids I peek through to find I am alone in the infirmary, once more. The warmth brought by the blankets covering me lulls me back into the deep sleep from where I once came, the heavy lull looming over my body making it entirely impossible to stay conscious.

I wake up a second time, more refined, stretching my legs before letting myself peer beyond my lashes; the room’s lighting much dimmer than before. I pull the blankets closer to my body, the wires connected to my arms tugging on my skin as I burrow further down into my bed.

“My dear, you’ve pulled through.” General Hux proclaims, a bit louder than I was ready for. My eyes squint as I hear his words, lacing a frown through my browline. I focus my blurred sight on him as he remains across the room, a leg crossed over his knee as he is comfortably leaning into his cushioned seat. Two squad leader troopers embellishing him on both sides, the red pauldron they adorned on their shoulders told me he meant business, licking his lips slowly to ready himself to speak. “I didn’t think you would.”

My eyes suction to the ceiling as they roll, nearly into the back of my head. I test the movement in my legs as well as my back, tight and restrained, but nowhere near as immobile as I one was on the shuttle. “I hardly understand how you prevailed with such injuries, having traveled quite a distance away from us.” He ticks off yet another remark from his checklist. I simply glare at him, as a myriad of possibilities surge through my mind. Was he alluding to his suspicions of me, my insubordination? Did he assume that I was a force user, able to withstand a greater amount of injuries before succumbing to them? If I had been any other normal human being, I would have met my maker on the snow piled hills of Hoth.

“Do you have anything to say? Anything at all to make sense of this?” He jabs, his pitch a little more clipped as he had grown agitated. He lets his leg drop off of his knee and sits forward in his chair, awaiting my response on the edge of his seat. I lick my lips and shift amongst the blankets, fighting off the shudder the chill of the room handed over to me. I think of all the excuses to make, all of the different routes I could take. I don’t see the use.

“Could you pour me a glass of water?” I rasp, my throat having grown quite dry. His eyes deadpan into mine, not amused as I had sidestepped away from his questions. I couldn’t remember the last sip of water I had, but I also liked the fact that I was withholding information from the General, serving him a great deal of distress. He sighs, his jaw hanging loose with dissatisfaction. He shoos the troopers out of the room with the flick of a hand as he rises, sauntering his way over to the counter to my left. He pours the pitcher of water into a glass, as if the action is the most mind-numbing chore to exist. He steps to the edge of my bed and I sit upright as he hands me the glass.

“The girl, how exactly did you locate her whereabouts?” He inquires, his eyes beady and sizing me down as I drink from the glass below him. I take my time as I quench my thirst, rehydrating my scratchy throat. “A hunch.” I shrug, mentioning after I finished the glass, taking in a deep breath of air. His lips press into a displeased line, not satisfied with my answer by any means. “You just happened to apprehend her locality?” He probes more intensely, still pushing forward even though he didn’t buy it. I nod, sinking further into the bed as I grow solemn of my situation.

Not necessarily angry that I had pulled through, but not thrilled by the idea of continuing my life as I was beforehand. I sigh, wishing more than anything to sit and stew, undisturbed.

“What makes you think this? What about future endeavors to Eriadu? Or Utapau? Malastare?” He demands, moving in closer and towering over the bed. I click my lips together, shifting in the med bed to better my posture, setting the glass down on the bedside table with a clink. I feel much better compared to laying out on the floor of the shuttle’s cockpit, but it was nothing compared to the relief the Commander’s gentle touch of the force could bring.

My mind shifts over to him for the first time, no amount of energy between us, simply cold and desolate as the situation we remained in. Although it downcasted me terribly and weighed heavy within my heart, I step away from it and reside in the present to give my reply.

“It’s possible she assumed none of us would want to trudge through all of that snow. She wasn’t wrong.”

Despite how inconsolable and numbed I feel, I nearly laugh at how dumb I was playing to be, the look on his face seething with impatience, not gaining the information he had hoped for. His gaze settles only a tad, his complexion still red from his lack of time to play my game, as he only wished to play by his rules.

“I see, your personality equips you with no difficulty to acclimate to the cold terrain.”

Any other occasion I would have laughed at his remark, I would have called him out, done  _ something  _ to acknowledge he had basically commented on how cold of a person he pegged me to be. I grind my teeth and push aside his ill-intended comment, letting my eyes shift away from him and off to my right near the door. I don’t stare at anything specific, only awaiting the droid that I sensed was about to pass through the doors.

As I had apprehended, I watched the same 3z3 med droid enter the room, still able to feel the General’s gaze burning into my skin. “I’m ecstatic to see you have found our Commandant conscious and thriving, General.” The droid says in his monotonous tone. “Would you care to hear the extent of our Commandant’s injuries?”

The General disregards the droid with a repulsed twinge of his face, moving a few measly inches closer to me, as a way to embolden his intent. “As you left without help, or the Commander’s say-so, he will be the one to deal out any kind of reprimand you most definitely deserve.”

His sinister words are laced with a kind of satisfaction that chills me, most likely the kind he had wished to gain from the interaction, still able to achieve it although he didn’t get the information out of me that he came here for. He leans out of the little bubble he had created, his arms folded behind his back neatly as he slowly steps away from my bedside. I shoot him a look of disappointment, one I would give to an unruly student of mine that was misbehaving— General Hux didn’t scare me like he used to when we were younger, when I was merely a trooper. His lack of ability to read facial expressions and insistence on making me uncomfortable had always repelled me, but he was never the one to instill any kind of fear within me. 

The statement he had made scared me on its own, for I knew that if there truly was some kind of punishment to be received from the Commander, especially on the grounds we stood upon currently, it would be one alike nothing I had ever experienced. The Machiavellian General exits the room without another word, his long and dark coat nearly catching between the doors as they quickly slide closed, leaving me with the droid.

“Do you wish to bypass my recommendation to remain in the infirmary, as you did during your previous stay in our care?”

I simply nod, already having begun to pull on the wires connected to my body. The droid remembered our same song and dance, knowing I would want to leave his care straight away as I had last time.

“Would you care to hear the extent of your injuries you gathered on your solo mission?”

I rip out the last cord, stinging a bit more than the others as it was inserted deep within my wrist. Releasing a miserable sigh, I slowly slung a leg off the edge of the bed, my bare skin peaking through the blankets and meeting the bite of the cold room. 

It would be but a slight jog of my memory, only highlighting the fact that I returned from said mission empty handed. I let my head hang momentarily in irritation of the droid, lifting the blankets off the rest of my body. He  _ was  _ in charge of my care, turning him away so soon wouldn’t be right, no matter how badly I wanted to sit alone and lament over who I was becoming. “Go for it.” I rumbled lowly, scanning my eyes over the room and finding a fresh set of clothes to go and grab.

“A large gash down the middle of your back, the main source of your blood loss, but not deep enough to cause any nerve damage. Smaller slashes amongst both arms, one on the upper thigh burning through minor ligaments, deep puncture wound below collar bone, fractured cheekbone, abrasion on the shoulder blade as well as various cuts, scrapes and bruises along the body. Three days spent here has done you well, your body has responded well to surgery at a surprising rate.”

I choose to remain quiet, slowly sliding off of the edge of the bed and making it to my feet. I raise my arms above my head as I peel off the med gown that was issued, feeling how sore and worn down each limb had grown. The gashes mapping over my body are now mere scars or bruises, reddened and blue marks covering my skin as if someone had taken a paint brush to my body like a canvas. 

Splotches of my skin shine in the light, a thick layer of some kind of ointment gleaming over my cuts and scratches that had been cauterized shut, or wound up tight with stitches. The cuts sting as I pull a long sleeve shirt over my torso, alike the time myself and  _ someone  _ else had peeled off material melted to and scorched beneath my clothing. I remained cautious with my movements to avoid straining myself, also placing my mind elsewhere to ensure I didn’t think of  _ him _ anymore than I needed to… no more than the general amount.

“Anything more I can do for you, Commandant?” The med droid asks, airing on the side of caution as he knew from our last encounter that I didn’t want to waste any more time here than I absolutely had to. I did  _ not  _ have anywhere to be, but I didn’t care to fall into anymore conversations for the day. I think of all I could say to him, but I give him the somber shake of my head instead. Vigilantly I push my legs through my jeans and tug on a clean pair of socks, bending over and wincing as I slip into my boots and tighten them.

“We all are thankful you have returned to us once more, free from the clutches of the Resistance.”

My lower lip juts outward at the thought flashing into my mind; I finally turn back to him and nod his direction, mustering up a lighthearted smile to give him. He bows, and wheels out of the room in reverse. In his absence I lean against my bedside, picturing those who I had encountered on Hoth, wondering if things could have gone any differently. Rey, courageous and willing to help a complete stranger. The ex-stormtrooper, or  _ Finn _ , as she had referred to him, ready to sacrifice himself at the drop of a pin for his friend. The woman who carried me with the force all the way back to the shuttle, sending me off with her words of advice; my mind currently able to settle much easier than I could on the shuttle, understanding who she was.

_ The  _ General Leia Organa.

All members of the Resistance, yet, I had brought the anger out of them. I killed FN-2187, triggering Rey’s response to fight back. What if I had spoken to the two of them, setting my anger aside and trying to find a mutual agreement? Nobody would have had to die, maybe we could have found a way to work together through this.

But that’s the thing, the girl had  _ been  _ telling me this on the freezing planet, I had been too preoccupied with revenge that I couldn’t see through it to peer into her side of the argument.

I recall what she had done, what they both had done. This was justified, what I had done wasn’t out of the ordinary,  _ revenge. _ Both had taken something or someone away from me, justice was in line to be served. I crumple my face and place my palms over my eyes, rubbing away the confusion and conflict that resonated deep within me. Tears well within my eyes as I exhale shakily, lamenting over how well I knew what I had done was correct within the ways of the First Order, but going against what the Jedi believed. I was no Jedi, but I was versed within the force. 

I couldn’t stand feeling torn between what I had always believed was right and wrong, growing nauseated at the thought of it.

I stand to my feet, feeling my body flush as all the blood settles level within me. I want to sit and cry, mewling over my mistakes, or if they were even considered mistakes in the first place. I let my hand skim the bedside as I walked around it, keeping my hair down from the standard updo it was normally fashioned into, still fluffy and wild from laying in bed. The mirror I saunter past gives me a glance of myself, stopping me in my tracks rather abruptly. 

A flushed face, reddened and bruised upper cheekbone, sleepy and glossed over eyes with a deep purple ring below. I watch myself frown, contorting my lips as I fall utterly despondent with what I see from the reflection. I wish to go back a few months prior to vouch for myself, stopping from ever entering that dimly lit supply room in the med wing that the Commander was residing in, ultimately sparking the chain of events in my life that broke me down and weathered my sanity.

The confidence I used to hold in viewing myself was nowhere near me now, having been broken down and beaten too far from my grasp, unable to pick up the pieces to mend myself back together. The idea of fighting, training, carrying out any kind of duties within the Order feels empty and devoid of purpose— I  _ myself  _ feel empty and devoid of a purpose. Even in the event of ending the life of someone that had ruined my own, I felt  _ plagued  _ with the consequences of taking that life. Gripping my soul deep within me, it felt like his life wasn’t mine to take, despite the fact he had done myself and the Order wrong.

I cannot take the reflection of the mirror, leaving it behind me as I slowly exit the room. I make my way out of the busy main area of the wing, different people rushing past me at all different sides. Their thoughts and tribulations pinging my already overflowing mind, some noticing me and falling too afraid to speak, others too busy in their own routines to even look up at me. I forcefully block out what I can as I sullenly trudge through the center, not wishing to be weighed down anymore than I already was. 

I think of who would want to see me at a time like this, unsure if BB-9 had been repaired yet or not, not wishing for him to see me in this light, not yet ready to even hold a conversation with a droid.

Mindlessly, I dawdle through the different wings, all of them busy in their own ways. Treating burn victims in crowded hallways, routine checkups for those who were pregnant and waiting in a line outside of an office, nurses administering shots and medicine for their patients. I pass through different wings as if I am a ghost, never meeting the eyes of those around me in fear of someone striking up a conversation I didn’t have in me to entertain. Some wings are louder, more lively than others, but all remained packed to the brim by some measure.

The only time I find peace of mind is in the infant wing, understandably quiet and as desolate as I felt on the inside. My throat has grown dry again as I amble my way further into the wing, keeping my footsteps as quiet as can be. One nurse passes me by, lending me a meek smile after her eyes have softened from the initial glance she stole, surprised and full of questions, but keeping them to herself. I return the gesture and appreciate that she keeps any inquiries to herself. 

I turn the corner and pass through the blast doors to find a narrow hallway with wide and expanding rooms on either side, sectioned off by glass windows to peer through to observe the sleeping infants beyond them. Each infant sleeps soundly within the dimmed rooms, some even giving off small snores within their deep slumber. They adorn the standard First Order colors, dark gray jumpers covered by a thin blanket swaddling their bodies, with soft knit hats placed on the tops of their heads to keep them warm. So peaceful and cozy, nowhere near ready to understand the life they had up ahead of them. 

Many that surrounded me would not live past 30, I’m sure. Some will live happy lives while others might find difficulty here, wanting to choose a different path that was blocked off from their reach. I lean forward against the rim of the wall below the glass, my face inches away as I peer out to them.

Curiously, I think outward, wondering if any of them were sensitive or just beginning to grasp onto the force. I ponder if they would ever grow to become conflicted, unsure of their purpose in life, unsure of how to put these abilities to good use. Hopefully not as unsure as I, doubting which side was morally right and which one was downright wrong. The numbing ache in my chest alludes to me that  _ something  _ was wrong, even if I couldn’t decipher what exactly it was amongst the many things that plagued my mind.

I peer into a few of them, never finding much, some too young to have even opened their eyes long enough to focus on anything to create a memory. If I do find anything, it is shapes of different muted colors that are molded together as one, never having remembered anything from the planets they were taken from, only ever noticing their surroundings on the Death Star. I muse out to the young child from Ithor, hoping she was doing well, wondering if I could find her and visit her.

I jump out of my skin as the blast doors from which I had entered on my right fly open with such intensity, revealing the tall and darkened figure amongst the shadows as he stands within the doorframe, peaking at him out of the corner of my eye. Quietly I wince as my vision falls back in front of me; I attempt to calm myself down, yet my heart thuds against my chest at the same speed I wish to break through the walls to leave the hallway, finding somewhere else to peacefully remain alone to sift through my thoughts and make sense of them. 

His heavy boots begin to stamp across the long hallway in my direction, the laborious steps filling my ears as I keep my eyes forward and set on the sleeping future members of the First Order, wondering if I would make it out of this interaction alive to train any of them in the distant future. My body itches with nerves, unable to take his brooding demeanor as it comes closer and closer to my side. My fingers twitch at my sides as I pant, rapidly blinking over the muted tones of the room before me, my stomach twisting with apprehension as my anxiety fills me.

The hiss of his helmet cries throughout the room, startling me and giving me even more causation for my body to shake with the tremor he supplied me with. I lick as my lips to form the words I couldn’t string together, my mind having gone amiss from any logical way to defend my actions for leaving for Hoth on my own. 

My body flinches once more as the helmet thuds down to the ground to echo all around us, leaving it behind as his footsteps grow louder as they near closer to me. I remember how we last left off, how angry he would have grown and stewed within since then. Splotches of color fill the outer rim of my vision as I feel faint, unsure he would make it to me before I’d sooner collapse to the floor. 

In all of my days of confidently standing forth to fight, keeping respectfully rigid and motionless in times of being spoken to by superiors, I wasn’t prepared for anything like this. I think of begging on my knees, apologizing to him for  _ so  _ often stepping out of line, pushing what I felt onto him and hoping he would feel it too. Leaving without his acknowledgement, almost killing myself and putting the Order out of one of their most vital trainers. I wipe my clammy, trembling palms on the sides of my pants as I swivel my body the slightest bit to face him, entirely too incapable and timid to take him and all his power head on. Daringly, I part my lips to speak my trembling words out to him.

“The General mentioned I am to be reprimanded for-”

The words I bargained with myself to let out are cut off as the sides of my face are tugged further to the side by gloved hands to be tilted upward. He leaves me with nowhere else to turn as he leans his face down to meet me in the middle, planting his firm lips onto mine with great determination and assertiveness. Our lips fall motionless together; upon initial contact my eyes dart forward to see Commander Ren, who’s eyelids I had never gotten to see this close, his darkened lashes nearly touching my own. 

He holds me in place before him as my body eases up from its rigid state, slowly letting my eyes flutter shut as I finally breathe out the breath I had locked in my chest, softening my lips against his. I hear him release a broken sigh against my mouth while he feels me relax, as if he too were freeing something he had kept to himself for quite some time. Although his grip is strong and spans across both of my cheeks and tangled into my hair, his hands tremble against my skin as they cushion my face. I crane my neck further forward to mold my lips better against his, lessening the amount of force he had delivered, letting our mouths work together in harmony.

Finally, I let my veil between us drop, finding his to have been lowered already, completely open for me to roam throughout as far as I wanted, further than anything he had ever shared with me before. He lets himself lose control, as I do all the same. Everything he holds hits me at once, his regret palpable, his immense fear of losing me, never seeing me again. The feelings he carries for me sits at the forefront of his mind, putting to shame every other idea or mention of anything else. My hands find his forearms and snake upward to his solid biceps, gripping onto them for dear life as his emotions overtake me, completely invading all my senses. 

The topic of me has exploded within his mind, shooting off in all different directions, mixing other matters with me, matters I didn’t even necessarily belong in. I was woven into his mind so intricately, it was difficult to sift through where he ended and I began. I feel his gentle, but eager entrance for him explore my own mind, discovering how much bandwidth I had dedicated to him and him only. The force around us has gone mad in a way we had never experienced, flowing like a well choreographed dance, similar to no other.

He leans back and our lips then tug apart with an audible smack after having grown into one solid mass of a human, our faces having been pressed together to the fullest extent. My knees grow weak as I continue to lean forward although he has broken the kiss, opening my eyes to see him peering down on me from a mere inch or so away. I find the softest expression I had ever seen him sport, his eyes glazed over, his hair fall in strands over his left eye, those cheeks of his riddled with beauty marks rosed over and embellished with a beautiful red. I notice my own eyes pooling with tears as I search over his face, a look I had wished to see from him for ages, nowhere near the kind of reaction I had anticipated from him.

I rub my lips together as I savor the taste of him, feeling how nervous he is against me, the slight twitch of his brow showing me he has fallen just as lost within these feelings as I am, unsure and unready to say anything just yet. But as lost as I feel, as out of this galaxy this new situation we created has become, I know this is where I needed to be, with him. His eyes remain untamed as he darts around my face, taking me in as if he were doubting I was truly within his grasp, or a figment of his imagination. 

I grimace and lean forward again as I am still at a loss for words, letting my hands trail up his shoulders and take my time as they carve into his body, trying to memorize every detail. Relishing the moment as I rested my palms on the sides of his face to pull him into me; I stepped closer to him and let my torso rest against his. One of his hands wrapped around my waist while I felt the other slide from my cheek and to the space between my neck and the back of my head. 

I kiss him with as much passion I had within me, letting every ounce flow from the very moment I had started collecting it for him, hoping to put it to good use someday. His mouth is gentle and curious against mine, but still hungry, as if this was the first embrace he had ever shared with anyone, understandable as he had mashed his lips to mine with such an inexperienced adamancey the first go. Now I let my lips connect and part along with his with even more meaning, but less force than he was used to exerting throughout everything he does. I can feel his lips tighten along mine, smiling against the kiss as I let my fingers span his cheeks. The heat he gives off mixes with mine, just about enough to suffocate both of us.

I then end the kiss, letting our lips linger and pull apart slowly. The look on his face is devastatingly handsome as he seems to be filled with pride, as I sense it. His lips glisten with the sheen we shared in the dim glow of light above, tugging into a surprised, but relieved grin, the flashes of his teeth gleaming behind his lips. 

I let my eyes scan over him in this moment, my fingers sliding to graze his hidden ears behind his voluptuous hair. My forearms lean against his chest, feeling him in any way possible. It seemed unreal, finally giving in on both ends, meeting in the middle, appeasing what the force had wanted for so long. There were no words for something quite like this, all thoughts and physical objects around him and I seemed to blur, unimportant within this moment we shared. I only saw him, his eyes never grazed away from me.

_ I thought I’d never get to do this, I thought I was too late. _

He laments out to me, his voice low and rough even though he speaks through the force. I see he has given away how wracked he was with his own nerves, as his face twitches and contorts with apprehension, his grip around me tightens as if he was afraid I’d vanish out of thin air. I grimace, thumbing across his cheek and tenderly pressing my other fingers into his neck, still unable to find the right words to give him.

“I was almost completely absent from your mind while you were on Hoth.”

I wince quietly, finally hearing his voice out loud and regretting ever going on the solo mission. I never wished to hear him like this, almost too pained to even speak. “You were never fully gone.” I tell him, my voice soft and shy. His eyes focus better on me, making sure I wasn’t going to vanish out of thin air.

“You were  _ close. _ You almost achieved it, along with everything else you set out for and accomplish.” He frowns and trails his eyes down between us, his lips thinning out into a tight line.

_ I couldn’t live with that silence, it drove me mad. _

I nod in agreement with him, in awe of everything he was finally admitting. Despite my wonderment, a deep pang of shame of my actions circles in my chest. “I don’t ever wish to do that to you again.” I reaffirm to him, watching his facial muscles tighten and release before he responds. 

_ This was my doing. I drove you to this, I pushed you further away than I ever wanted you. _

I shake my head and continue massaging circles into his skin, his fingers digging into my side as he keeps me close, still adamant on adding more to his testimony before letting me respond. I didn’t blame him for why he pushed me away, although it had burned me deeper than any kind of wound I’ve ever adorned. I hated him in the moment for what he had done, but now I held no animosity toward him, especially seeing him in this light.

_ All the attacks on you, I only ever wanted to keep you safe. Leaving Tatooine… I thought your life was in danger, I wasn’t going to risk it. _

He confesses this to me, his voice within my mind speaking in a different tone I had never received from him before. In complete wonderment of him and this moment, I held his gaze and nod, showing him I heard him and understood all he had meant. It was hard to see him struggle to make out such an unguarded testimony, even through the force. I assumed this was his first time ever letting himself lower down his defenses to tell someone how he really felt, lacking the confidence to say it out loud.

I feel his intent as he sends it to me, so elaborate and detailed as to how sorry he was to have created the situation we were previously in. In a way, his emotions told a better story than he was able to audibly. He was worried, wanting what was best for me so intently. Out of all the people I had grown close to, who wanted to watch me succeed, he was the first to demonstrate an unyielding effort toward me. No hidden agenda, nothing benefiting himself. He wanted to ensure I kept on living. It felt so good to finally decode how he truly felt about me, deep within the confines of his mind that he never let step into the light. I had fought with the notion for so long, hating myself for feeling something, believing the lies he told me because he was afraid.

He had held an undeniable tug toward me after I first kissed him, to which he ignored as I had scared the stars out of his metaphorical galaxy. I seemed to have proved how intent I was with how much I cared for him, but he still fled the scene, not wishing to burden me with the extent of the skeletons he had stacked away in his closet. He felt how dismal and disappointed I was when he had left me alone without a single word. He felt the same pull to follow the force, by my side, knowing it had led to the girl on Hoth. But, he had felt me block off my side of the connection not long after, jarring him more than the sudden discovery of the assailant’s location ever could. He knew we needed to go to Hoth together, but he assumed I left and blocked him off, intending to start a new life somewhere else.

He sends a message out to me, showing me where he has been in my absence. I only remembered faintly of the mention of surprise when the troopers had found me devoid of him on his own shuttle. Nobody knew he had gone on his own solo mission, in search of me. Setting out and flying to the different planets lined with green hills or forests, planets filled with vegetation and foliage, assuming I had run off to flee the Order as well as him for good. He knew that was a focal point in my mind, understanding where I only hoped I could spend the rest of my days, as well as my dislike for how bland and boring of an environment we lived in currently. He had paid attention and knew me well enough that he had apprehended possible planets I would choose to make a home out of.

Having felt the force’s guidance toward the girl on Hoth, he chose to ignore it and looked for me instead. He didn’t think he’d ever see me again, believing I had gone out to look for what I’ve always wanted, something he feared he could not give me himself. Upon realizing I had only gone after the girl in hopes of bringing her back to pay for her crimes, he was relieved I wasn’t going AWOL, leaving behind my duties because he had rejected my plea to try and appease the feelings I  _ knew  _ he had for me. Despite the relief, he vowed he would no longer fight off the pull toward me if I pulled through the extent of my injuries, leading us to where we stand now, in each other’s arms.

My lips form sorrowful a grin as I receive everything, nodding once more to see him lean his face into the palm of my hand, embarrassed, but letting me smoothen my thumb over his glistening lips. His eyes close as he enjoys my touch, although his face is so obviously pained after revealing  _ such _ intimate parts of himself to me. He lets out another faltered breath before I let him add on more.

“I’ve never made it  _ here _ .” He quietly adds, almost under his breath, not referring to our literal location in the infant wing of the med bay. His eyes press open and I see the external struggle, feeling the internal fight within his mind as well. He wants to tell me  _ everything _ out loud, but is grappling with the strength to form the right words. He purses his lips and grows frustrated with himself, choosing to send more out to me through the force.

_ Your outlook of me hardly falters, even when I have scared you straight, you still hold out hope for me. I have never felt someone persist for me the way you do; I am severely undeserving of what you offer. _

I nod, because I feel it is all I can do, too timid to speak and derail everything he was letting off his chest. It was too pivotal of a moment to interject, I wanted to hear everything he had been keeping to himself for who knows how many years, pent up anger and resentment with himself, finally breaking that down to talk about something he  _ needs. _ I let him continue on.

_ But… I don’t have the strength to feel your happiness stem from anyone else. _

I understand through his pulsing thoughts and feelings that are also extended out to me, deciphering he had never let himself become so exposed, baring himself to someone, letting down walls and veils to come to a mutual playing field. I twist my mouth into a deeper grin, leaning into him furthering as I go to speak.

“You are my greatest want at the end of the day…” I muse to him, watching him struggle to blink as his mouth twitches, beginning to acclimate to all these new feelings filling him up, as I felt how overwhelmed he had become. Understanding someone  _ wants  _ you, cares for you, wishing to see you succeed—this was a lot for him to believe, a lot for him to accept as his new reality. My heart ached for his thought process, never believing he could be cared for by someone else. “Whether you believe you are deserving or not, I would like my happiness to stem from only you.”

I watched the conflict and unworthiness simmering in him that had adorned his face chip away, feeling his soft and considerate entry to my mind to proofread my intentions, finding they were quite valid while giving me a slow nod with the hint of relief swirling throughout his chest.

“I fear I am no good at this. I don’t want to disappoint you anymore than I already have.” He spills out to me, his voice clipped and strained as if it pained him to admit his feelings for me out loud. It didn’t bother me very much, as his mind gave away the true extent for me, so powerful and endless; opening himself up to me helped validate I knew this was  _ real,  _ on both ends. He still didn’t feel deserving of the lightheartedness he could earn from me, always an arm's length away. Worried he wouldn’t always meet the requirements, distant and stoic at times where he was too consumed by his duties. I’m sure this was daunting and new for him, seeming that the love he had received from his parents wasn’t enough to last him until his late twenties.

“I don’t expect this will be easy, but we will learn along the way,  _ together _ .” I tell him, alike his pep talk he had given me once upon a time. I go to add on more.

“All I ask is that we keep ourselves open to each other, I don’t know if I could go through all of that again.” I tell him, reflecting on how bad it had felt on the way to Tatooine, Rodia, or Hoth. He hurriedly cuts into my memories and keeps me from delving into them while he simmers down any sight of anxious peaks along my mind, something I was unaware he could even do.

He pulls me in close, giving me his full attention, seeming to be in complete adoration of me. His eyes peer into mine as if he was memorizing me. “Never again.”

Unlike the stories and tales weaved by those who  _ assumed  _ they knew all there was to this man, I knew he had more warmth to spare than he seemed to allude to. He was brooding and angry, resentful and confused, fueled by hate and vengeance, but deep down he was still a man who deserved a chance at a normal life, to be treated normal by others. Somewhere in him I knew he wanted this, amongst all of the flashing signs to avenge his childhood self, to prove to his master he could accomplish what he set his mind to, to be a respected leader for others to follow. I wanted to be the one beside him to encourage what he set forth to go out and do, but remind him he didn’t have to be that person around me. He could be whoever he wanted. 

I see he gains my message, his lips twinging the slightest bit as if he was fighting off the urge to smile, or maybe even to weep. He gave me a nod as some kind of understanding; he didn’t have to acknowledge he could be whoever he was comfortable with being around only me, I settled that he understood where I was coming from and hoped he would practice this on his own time, still understanding it would take exactly that— _ time. _

“When did you first know?” I ask of him, seeing that he had become tense once again while pondering the thought of all he needed to work on. I lean into him even more while attempting to flatten out the peaks of his mind, more challenging than I had assumed. I let him understand that there is no rush, no expectations from me for him to follow. I feel his support around my body, my hands still caressing his blistering warm face, almost singeing my fingers. Watching his eyes haze over while he thinks of me in his past memories, taking his time. I notice he peers through the same rose colored shades I did, casting a wondrous and alluring tint over everything as well as each other. He is much more calm when he supplies me with his answer.

“The power you’ve wielded, besides the force… it’s intoxicating watching you take the lead. I believe it was when word of the spy got out and you gave your little speech.” He recalls, gleaming with a smile as he remembers the time. I let my mouth gape open, surprised it was so far back. I think back even further, to when I had showered and felt a set of hands curving over my body, how  _ good  _ they had felt and how similar they were to the hands that held me now, with even more meaning than before.

He blinks a few times as he catches the message, his pupils enlarging very noticeably within the darkened hallway. Hanging on to the silence and waiting for me to acknowledge it, he cuts through and clears his throat. “I… yes.” He alludes, his face tingling with red the slightest bit, finally fessing up to being the grip that belonged to a body I never got to see at the time, providing me with such ecstasy as he clouded my mind with the thought of him. 

“I had assumed only you could manage that… you’ve taken up space within my mind since then, I suppose.” I tell him, earning his nod as he reminisces on the time. His cheeks still burn red against my touch as I simmer down the memory before I feel him grow too flustered. Gently, I run my fingers through and brush his raven strands behind his ear to take him out of his mortification. Yet he shies once more, nudging his head further into my hand, hiding the sight of his ear from any glances I could take. I grin and nod sweetly as I understand his hesitancy, the bashfulness sent from him to me in rather powerful waves, ruffling his loose ringlets back to normal as he returns the grin.

He straightens out against my hands, gazing down at me with a newfound excitement, right as I feel the idea strike a match within his mind, feeling the glow transferred to me. “Let me show you something.” He suggests, his voice eager and sweet, melting every organ within my body. I know I have it within me to continue residing in his arms, until I was nothing but a puddle of adoration at his feet, but I grow excited along with him to see where this would lead us. I nod, slowly sliding my hands down the sides of his face as his grip around me slips away, just as slow.

I watch him step away to grab his helmet, lessening the space between us, but still keeping us both within our jovial cloud we shared. With the helmet in his hands, he gives the accessory a long look, turning it over in his hands and finally letting it hang in his grasp by his side. He looks to me and flicks his head upward to motion me to his side, a gesture that reincarnates the previous fluttering of insects within my abdomen. Such a simple gesture that I knew was laced with a tender intent. Gods, it was really  _ something _ now knowing the feeling was mutual.

We leave the infant wing in a manner I had never apprehended, I steal a few glances to the sleeping babies that had witnessed something truly extraordinary, a pivotal moment in my life as well as the Commander’s, but never really knowing they were present for it as they slept on. Others also steal looks at the Commander and I, but I pay them no mind as I notice he glares down at anyone who chose to lay their eyes upon us for longer than he was accepting of. I grimace and hide the urge to snicker, seeing how fearsome he could be around others to ward them off, knowing well enough of how soft and sweet he had been only a few minutes beforehand.

We walk side by side on a rather comfortably quiet journey, unaware of the destination he had planned. I peer into his mind ever so slightly as we stride a few inches apart, finding he was keeping said destination to himself. He turns to me as I exit, the makings of an amused smile tugging at his lips, but keeping the extent of it to himself as we were in public. He is courteous of my condition after returning from Hoth, never walking too fast for me to keep up with. I can feel his own entrance into my mind, checking to see if I was growing tired or in need of a place to sit and rest. I can also sense his burning desire to heal me further than what was possible of the droids in the med bay, but he understands I would rather face the consequences of my actions than getting off on the easier route.

After many hallways and rows of stairs, we approach a turbo lift, those behind us stopping dead in their tracks as they choose to wait for the next lift instead of boarding the one we had entered.

-

**_Where are they headed?_ **

**_-_ **

**_Oh, gods. What has she done?_ **

**_-_ **

**_Is he going to kill her?_ **

**_-_ **

The doors shut, sealing the thoughts of passerby's outside, leaving them to wait for the next lift. I fold my arms over my torso as I rub my temple and chuckle, Commander Ren punches different buttons for the level he wanted, stepping back to my side as he finishes to give me the faintest hint of a smirk. He shakes his head as he acknowledges the outlandish thoughts of those in the hallway. Outlandish as they were, I didn’t know anything more than they did when it came to where we were headed. 

The glowing, white walls surrounding us flicker as we pass through the different levels, shining onto our boots as they stand close together, his arm sparsely brushing up against my shoulder. I can still feel the residual warmth within him from the infant wing, I flatten my lips as they still hummed from how passionate the kisses we shared had been. I wonder to myself how many more of his I would receive in my lifetime, knowing they would come to an end at some point. What a stupid subject to fall on, accomplishing nothing worthy of my time, I didn’t need to ruin my mood, no matter how curious I was of how long something like this would last between him and I.

The sliding doors cut off my thoughts as they open, revealing the level I had last seen him before my departure to Hoth.  _ His  _ level. My body grows stiff as the memory overtakes me, how upset with him I was as he had left. How dreary of a walk I had taken back down this hallway, how desolate and small I felt on the turbo lift back down to the level of the docking bay. 

The memory is swept away from my grasp, his looming energy filling its empty space in my mind. I look to him as he steps closer to my side, his arm covering the upper half of my back, his hand daintily hovering over the small of my back, encouraging me forward. I step out of the lift along with him, only after the deliverance of his gentle sweep across my mind to calm me back down to my original state. He keeps me close as we pass through the doorway and into the hallway, dark and sleek tile lining the floors, shiny and smooth walls to our sides.

I hold my breath as we pass his personal training room on the left, not wanting to reflect upon the memories that had taken place there, as hard as it was to deflect it. His hand hovers away from my lower back and forms his fingers around the back of my upper arm, casually pressing into me as a reminder he was by my side. I take a deep breath in and his thumb rubs circles into my arm, encouraging me to continue on pushing past how badly I wished I could have changed the outcome that room once contained, after knowing all I knew now.

“Mind closing your eyes?” He asks as I am dead set on keeping my eyes on the floor beyond us. I hear the tease of amusement in his voice and I peer up at him to find he was already observing me. I raised my brow, but let them lower in submission as I saw how he had posed it as a question, but wanted me to follow through despite whatever inquiries I had tucked under my belt. I sigh, flashing him a complacent grin as I close my eyes and face forward once more.

His hands remain on my upper bicep as he keeps me pressed against his side, guiding me whichever way he wanted, relinquishing all of my power to him. I feel that he likes my compliance, as his animation for the situation grows heavier with each shared step we take. “Do not open them.” He murmurs with full expectancy of my cooperation, much like any other order he would give to someone working below him. I hear blast doors open in front of us, feeling him pull me as close as can be as he notices my apprehension, ushering me through the door.

Nothing about this room feels any different than the hallway we came from, but I feel his excitement transfer to me, and I can’t help but feel it as well as the nerves that wash over me. Despite this I keep my eyes shut, as per his request. His arm wrapped behind me falls and he moves directly behind me, both of his large hands encompass my shoulders completely as he continues moving me forward, until he stops us.

“Keep them shut, I’ll be right back.” He directs, slipping his hands off of my shoulders and slowly stepping away. I open my mouth to speak but can’t find the right words to execute without looking childish or fearful. He chuckles as I hear his footfalls speed up a bit, exiting through the door and leaving me on my own.

I sigh, puffing my lips out as my hands become damp at my sides. I rub them continuously on the fabric of my pants, conscious of keeping my eyes shut in fear of ruining whatever he had in store for me. My jaw tightens as my teeth grind absent of my own accord, growing more nervous by the second, feeling vulnerable and unsure of how distant he was.

_ Easy. I am not far. _

I exhale as he has heard my rambling mind, reaching out to me with that heavy voice of his and repairing my worry. Only a minute or so more passes until I notice the blast doors behind me open, feeling his presence while also hearing the stamp of his boots approaching. He places a hand on my shoulder blade and pauses for a moment before speaking.

“Alright, open.”

I do just that and take in what stands before me, my eyes filling with as much as I could manage to. Before us was a grand window spanning the length of the entire room, stretching out to the right and left of us. As the only tiled wall was behind us, the windows gave the perfect opportunity to peer out into the never ending, all encompassing space beyond us. This window happened to supply us with the best view of the closest galaxy nearby. The large cluster of stars and other planets whirling into one cosmic landmark, this was possibly the closest look I had ever gotten of it. 

Entranced, I can’t help but step forward, closer to the window. Nothing but twinkling balls of light as far as the eye can see, I become lost in the glow of the dotted stars and planets before me, nearly forgetting the Commander until he chose to comment.

“It’s a room used for meditation, or simply somewhere to go for peace and quiet. You’re more than welcome to come here any time you’d like, if you ever need to get away from the clamor down below.” He supplies with a soft, but sturdy voice. I break away from the trance I had fallen into, turning back to see the different stars casting points of light across his face within the dim room, lining his uniform. He was beautiful.

I watch as his cheeks redden immediately following my thought, biting my lips and pushing forward to keep him from residing in his own embarrassment. “I appreciate it, Commander.” I say softly, full of admiration of him. He returns the sentiment with a soft grin, before I turn around to admire it once more.

“It’s beautiful.” I mutter under my breath, each ball of light flickering and calling upon me to pay attention. My chest swells with feelings of amazement, supplied to me from the Commander, in complete agreement as he was taking in the gaze of the stars as well. I whip my head back to him with a smile, only falling a bit as I see he had been staring at me this entire time, feelings of adoration blooming within him that were caused by me alone. My smile turns into a grin I fight to hide by winding my lips shut tightly, my own cheeks burning with a red heat within the moment. 

I watch his jaw flex, his gaze transferring down from my eyes and to my blushing cheeks. “One last thing.” He mentions, moving the arm he had tucked behind his back out in front of him, having never noticed as I was too caught up within the moment, caught up in  _ him.  _

In his hand he reveals a small glass vase a few inches tall, and when his fingers slide down the glass to hold it at the base, I see it contains a small, leafy plant inside. With a good amount of soil lining the bottom, the roots had a home to expand throughout, with soft tufts of green moss around the top. My eyes expand upon what he held, stupefied by the gesture.

“I picked it up in Scarif, after I had received word that your survival rate had gone up in the infirmary.”

My eyes break away from the contained plant in his hands, looking up to scan over his face that had grown sullen rather quickly at the mention of me, in the infirmary, before he had known I would pull through. He clears his throat.

“You kept me entertained on our trip to Rodia, your mind so enveloped and entertained by the life around you. I knew it made you happy then, I hoped this would bring you joy as well.” He offered, looking down at the gift in his hands and then back to me. A hopeful gleam placed so intently in his eyes, while the energy he gave off was restless, on pins and needles. He was unsure of himself, unsure of what he had brought me, unsure if I would like any of this. I can see the look on his face desperately tries to cover up the hidden conflict.

I approach him, brushing a long strand of hair behind my ear as I get a better look at the gift, my forehead wrinkling as I feel the tug of my lip jut outward into a smile, pulling at the corners of my mouth incessantly. The small plant was beautiful, just as his intentions were. Happily understanding I was no longer in a position to keep my feelings for him to myself, I swell with delight as I step forward and wrap my arms around his broad torso, pulling him close and squeezing him against my body. 

A bit taken back, he acknowledges and recalls the newfound situation we had created, then placing his free arm to wrap over my back, gently resting his gloved hand at the base of my head for his gloved fingers to entangle within my hair. I rest the side of my face on his chest as I take in his scent, closing my eyes and hearing the low hum of his chuckle against my ear.

“I believe it will bloom at some point, seeing that you water it accordingly.” He adds on, his head sinking down to rest his chin on the top of my head. I smile against him, not having felt this much genuine happiness in a long time. “It’s perfect, better than anything I could ever receive.” I proclaimed, meaning every word I had mentioned. I slide my head up to gleam at him, finding a very satisfied expression he adorned. I nestled my face back into him as I smiled deeper, right before I released my arms from around him and let go. He hands me the wonderfully kind and thoughtful gift, getting a closer look to examine it.

I notice the small flecks of yellow within the dark green leaves as I release a yawn, rubbing my eyes and trying to fight off how sleepy I had become, despite the hours I had laid in that bed in the med bay. I see his frown out of my peripheral view, his head craning down a bit to better take me in. “Would you like me to walk you to your quarters?” He queried, my eyes meeting his and shaking my head as soon as I could. “N-no, it’s quite alright. I have nowhere to be.” I appealed with a light smile, fighting off yet another yawn as I clasp my lips together tightly. He shakes his head with the start of a grin pulling on his facial features, grimacing at me.

Commander Ren merely flicks his head for me to follow, walking to the back of the room to the wall. His tall frame bends over and squats down to sit against the wall, snapping his head upward in hopes of me following along. I do just that, squatting down to the cool floor beside him and propping myself up against the wall. I set the vase containing the plant on my right, pulling my legs close to my body, sighing with contentment as he both glance through the window beyond, the light from the distant stars and planets illuminating the black tiled floor around us. My mind reflects on my life previously, three days ago on Hoth, compared to now. All that I had been through, my state of mind, my outlook on why I did anything. From then to now, something that had been so unspeakable for so long was finally attained.

“You met my mother as well.”

My gaze lands on one of the distant stars beyond us and freezes there, prepared to stare at it intently until it burned out completely. My arms tense at my sides while I swallow down as many nerves as I could manage, beginning to think of ways to tread upon this topic lightly with him, never wanting to cause him any upset feelings, but still so surprised he had brought this up so openly. “Mhm.” I murmur quietly between closed lips, leaving the floor open for him to do what he wished.

I’ve waited for the blow, apprehending something negative to come from this conversation, yet he remains composed beside me, his arm pressed up against mine. I have yet to feel his malice, nor his resentment toward her; it doesn’t grow or shapeshift into an angry beast I’m sure he is capable of transforming it into, as he had done before. It merely sits within him, an arms length away to tap into, but he remains surprisingly calm on the outside and in.

“I like what you do to me.”

My eyes frozen on the spot of light far, far away shifts onto his legs extended out in front of him, a confused string knit into my browline. “I-I do what?” I stammer, taken back by how smooth and velvety his voice sounds within the moment, which I had never apprehended, while speaking of his mother. I turn to watch the lazy smirk on his face grow deeper once he notices my internal panic, ready to step in and rev me down.

“Often, I do not feel the need to lash out when you are around.”

My eyes continue to bore into his, analyzing what he had said, picking it apart to find the flaw—any flaw. I can’t find anything. He stares into me, as if he were in a daydream, while I peruse the ample amount of times I had in fact  _ installed  _ and  _ updated  _ the software within his mind that caused him to lash out at not only me, but everyone else. We both had fallen into fits of bickering or yelling matches more times than I could count, not always about important matters, sometimes simply because of miscommunication. Those plush, reddened lips of his thin out even more into a tighter smirk, beginning to nod his head as his eyes avert back to the stars.

“We have had our share of…  _ disagreements _ , but only when I pushed you away. There was a synchronicity we shared when we trained, when we worked together—even when we led missions on not the sturdiest of terms. Whenever I let you in, you smoothen out my mind. You make things easier.”

Still, at a loss of words, also stunned by how beautifully he managed to string the right words together to form one sentence I could listen to over and over again, I stare at him and find it hard to believe what he was saying. “I don’t think you realize it, but you’ve done it for quite some time.” He praises, charming even when he wasn’t trying. He  _ sounded  _ truthful, but it was hard to piece it all together. So often, he was the one to flatten out my worried mind as I struggled to do so on my own, and here he was saying I had done the same for him?

“You want me to be whoever I’d like to be while I’m around you, yes?” He asks with the slight raise of his brow. I bite my lip and nod, the close proximity in which he had moved closer to me solidifies the fact that he understands all I feel for him, this was no longer something that weighed over me. Even though we had kissed  _ three  _ times now, this would take some getting used to.

“We can talk about personal matters like this, when it’s just you and I. I don’t want you to hold back from me. I wouldn’t lay into you for simply asking.” He explained in an honest manner, but keeping his face light as he nods, hoping I’d understand. I nod as well, the swell of his naturally reddened lips, nearly purple in this light, providing me with a great distraction as I feel a bit lost in the moment, surprised a man like him was so willing to open up to a woman like me. He catches on, leaning closer, pulling me back to the surface with his words.

“How did the interaction go?” 

I flatten my lips, not daring to think back on the memory for him to pick up on. On the surface he seems utterly calm for a man asking about his estranged mother, someone he hadn’t seen or spoken to in quite some time. I cannot help but feel how quick he is to step over the amount of eagerness he holds for my answer, trying to masquerade his true feelings with a general amount of curiousness. One of the most powerful force users had difficulty disguising their emotions. Although it was cute, I didn’t feel right giving him every detail.

“She, well… saved my life.” I admit, not having told any medical staff, or any First Order officials since I had arrived. The time before they had put me under anesthesia for surgery was short, and I did not entertain any questions I didn’t deem fit, as I was longing too intensely for Commander Ren and his whereabouts. His eyebrow twitches upward not with curiosity, but with confusion. I add on to help him understand.

“The girl and I would have killed each other, better yet, frozen to death if your mother hadn’t stepped in.”

Now he is unashamed as he broadcasts his eagerness, his curiosity hitting a peak as I go to elaborate.

“When she entered my thoughts she saw you were on my mind and decided to help me; she hovered my body above the snow on her walk to the shuttle. She opened the ramp for me to leave, and then she was gone.”

I feel his eagerness die down, repetition taking the front seat as his face softens, reviewing what I had told him. Maybe this wasn’t the story he was hoping to hear, or maybe he regretted hearing it all together. “Did she ever say anything to you?” He asks, a gleam of hope within him. 

  
  


It’s hard to observe him like this, it physically burns deep within my chest. Watching him, waiting on my every word, filling him in on every detail of his mother, when he believes he cannot ever see her again. I almost regret the connection between us and how lively it is at all times, his emotions transferring to me so thoroughly, telling a story of how he viewed not only his mother, but his father, as well as his uncle. All different stories, but to a similar tune.

I shake my head, unsure if it was the right thing to do to tell him what she had mentioned, unsure if it even made sense. “She did not.”

He nods, I can feel his disappointment deep down, attempting to layer over it with some kind of contentment for the situation. I can feel him layer the bricks of resentment over whatever layer of himself, concerning his mother, that he had opened up. I wonder what he wanted to hear from me, what his mother could have done that would have given him some kind of clarity. I’m still surprised to see how he handled the mention of his mother, absent of the fact that I made him feel comfortable enough to share these things with me, it was still very sensitive grounds we were tip-toeing over. 

Gods, I wanted nothing more than to possess the ability to tell him all the right words to soothe his worry. I couldn’t imagine the years he went through, tormented, never reaching out to them, but knowing they were out there, a part of him.

“What do you remember of your mother?” He breathed out slowly as his eyes focused on the galaxy ahead, seemingly ready to change the subject. I am dazed for a few seconds, gathering my thoughts and shifting from one mother to another. Something I really never spoke about out loud—it wasn’t normal for myself or those around me, as those I had trained with were also taken from neighboring planets at a young age. Most of us didn’t remember much, some better than others, but we always kept it to ourselves. I think we knew it would hurt too much to vocalize.

He had entered my mind, forcefully, closer to the time we had first met. We didn’t know each other well enough to consider one another as enemies, even though we had fought like it. He had flipped through a generous amount of different chapters in my mind, reading each page as far back as he could manage. He almost made it to my childhood, if it hadn't been cut off as I gathered enough strength to break free and shove him off of me. I shudder at the memory, having come such a long way since then.

“She was wonderful from what I remember.” He stares out beyond the expansive window, but I feel within him how intently he is listening to my words. I turn my own head and touch down on the different stars, trying to figure out which one he was observing. “She didn’t pick sides, she only ever did what was right for those around her, her family.” I sigh, rolling my bottom lip over my teeth, caught in the faint memories I held of her beauty, wishing I could recall them better.

“Today, I’d be lucky to be one tenth of the woman she was.” This catches Commander Ren’s attention, his head turning to me as I finish the thought. I let my head cock to the side as I gaze forward, comfortable with his stare warming my cheek. Finally, I look over to him to see his piercing stare, soft eyes and parted lips drawing me in, making me wish to never look away.

“You can go back, if you’d like. To relive memories faintly.” He tells me this full of hope, almost as if he was nearly excited to be the one to tell me. “Only for a few minutes at a time, since you’re new to it. In general, it takes so much from us to project to a time long ago.”

Within him I gaze at all he was knowledgeable of within the ways of the force, matters that were still new to me. I nod as I am unsure of what else I could do after hearing such a proposition, his hand settling down on my knee, his long fingers curling against the bend and wrapping around.

“Picture a memory—it’s less taxing on your present self if you pick one that is clearer than others.” I press my lips together and search my mind, watching him scoot closer to me, as if it were possible. His body turns to face me, I better position myself to face him as well, his free hand placed on the ground by my side for him to lean in to, his face only held a handful of inches away from mine.

“Let your eyes close, envision where you would like to be and fill your mind with every intention of strengthening the image you have.” His gentle fingers knead into my knee, inviting and kind as he merely caresses me. “Continue to focus on the details as they sharpen around you, it should not take long.”

I lick my lips as I do as he instructs, picturing expansive green fields surrounding me, lined with shrubs and full trees lined with various fruits and berries, ripe for the picking. I have difficulty remembering what the exterior of our house looked like, so I focus on the lake nearby, the sounds of insects within the tall grass and the different types of birds flying overhead. The rippling waves become more distinct as they beat against the rocks near the shallow area, filled with small pebbles and sand. I begin to feel the sun, warm on my skin as it kisses my cheeks and nose. The rays of light peak through the leaves of the tall trees, casting shadows I only remembered to have pretended the hidden figures were people and different animals, playing along with my shadow and theirs.

A faint call of a voice in the distance jolts my body as it reacts, so abruptly I had almost opened my eyes and lost the progress made. My heart rate spikes as I recognize the owner of the voice, only drifting further into the memory. I reach out for Commander Ren worriedly, feeling his hand take my own and grip it solidly. “Nothing can harm you, I’ll be right here waiting.” He mentions while he gives my hand a good squeeze, his words honeyed over reassuringly as his voice ripples and fades further away from me, I separate from my body as I travel through the force, leaving his side to enter a new plane I had never been before.

I sit beneath the tree I could remember so well in our front yard, beams of light through the leaves above, like beacons within the shade. The thick grass beneath my fingers feels lush and is a vivid green, I can look out to the lake on my side and take in the fresh air as the breeze carries the scent of the salty water, as if this wasn’t a memory at all. I rise to my feet and slide my hand up the base of the tree for support, recognizing my surroundings had smelled just as they did around twenty two years ago.

Different insects buzz over and skim the top of the water, leaving the smallest ripple of a trail for others to hastily follow. I take in the scents and the sounds, appreciating that for once, I wasn’t on base, breathing in the same air I had been for years. Neither was I freezing on Hoth, sweltering on Tatooine, or running for my life on Rodia. I was safe, I was home.

“Margot, where did you go?”

I choke on my breath that momentarily lodges in my throat, timidly stepping around from behind the sturdy tree to find my mother on the side of our little house, bending over and sifting through the tall grass and vegetation right beside the garden. Hesitantly, I cross the grassy area and approach her, having let the tips of my fingers graze over the tall flowers of different orange, red and yellow hues.

“Mom.” I send out quietly, a slight crack in my voice giving away my apprehension. She finally turns around for me to get a look at her, as if I was peering into a mirror. Twenty two years ago would have placed her in her late twenties within the memory, around the same age as I am presently. 

I stand tall in my standard First Order long sleeved shirt and pants, as black as night. My boots crinkle a path within the tall grass, the clad pair issued to last wear and tear for many years, while providing me with extra aid in the event of combat if need be. My mother wore simple clothing, tanned pants and a loose fitting white shirt, her long brown hair wild and flying in different directions as it flowed through the wind, identical and moving along with my own.

“There you are, where did you explore to this time?” She asks, relieved and pleased to see me, a slight sigh in her wording. She looks behind me and to the house as if she were keeping the coast clear. My heart pangs with sudden anxiety as I study the look on her face, what I can read from her emotions, both of us apprehending who would come through the door.

“I was just under the tree.” I tell her, wondering if there was any chance she could see and understand twenty six year old Margot, or the four year old within the memory. Either way, she didn’t seem any more surprised as I could remember in the memory.

“Well, stay where I can see you, honey. Perhaps you could explore the vegetables in the garden with me?” She poses the question, with the right set up that no four year old could resist. I nod at how smart she was, able to see myself in parts of her. My lips mush together to hide the strong flurry of emotions that dared break free, unsure if she’d catch on or not, afraid of spoiling the memory. 

“I’ll stay right by your side mama.” I promise her, wishing I didn’t ever have to leave her. She gleams brighter than the sun’s reflection on the rippling waves as she smiles, nodding her head. I watch as her hand raises to place her palm onto her stomach, rubbing around in small, sensual circles. I watch intently, gathering more information as she turns to the side, the loose fitting shirt hiding away the slight bump over the space of her abdomen. My mouth hangs open in shock, forming and reforming attempted tries at saying something, anything.

I watch as she bends over carefully, minding her stomach, to grab a basket by the gate sectioning off the garden from the tall wispy grass. “Here, I’ll hold this and you can pick the produce.” She mentions sweetly, opening the gate to the garden and stepping aside to give me entry. I step inside as she settles her palm against her stomach once more, giving me a soft smile as I am still in shock of my discovery, something I could have never figured out from the young, impressionable age of four.

“MARIN!” I hear a yell through the window of our house behind me, alarming my mother and I to both stand up straight and freeze solid within our tracks. His voice almost cracks straight through my memory, chipping away at my favorite parts, dampening the light and airy mood with more of a sinister filter. Immediately I feel as if I could cry, as if I am a defenseless, young girl again. As if all my years of working, studying, fighting and training all meant nothing within the presence of him. The startling figure in my childhood nightmares, sometimes progressing into adulthood. Whereas some children dreamt of monsters and creatures from distant planets, I dreamt of my father’s reign the last few years I had with him.

I look to my mom, who’s hand flies off of her stomach at the very mention of her name, her head snapping to me. She places a hand on the small of my back, pushing me forward into the garden to take shelter behind the tall stalks of corn, tripping over and smashing the zucchini below my boots. Shaking as much as I had as a child, I press my eyes shut and eject myself from the memory, tearing away from the fleeting moments I shared with my mother.

Promptly following my return to the present, I hardly focus my vision on my surroundings before I release a frustrated whimper, pressing the palms of my hands over my eyes, squeezing them shut tight as I strain my ears. The timbre of my father’s voice echoed harshly off the walls of my mind as if he were right beside me, yelling into my ear canal. I couldn’t bear the sound as I had refreshed what little memories I had of him, so low and greedy, so specific when he was angry, or even in general if you passed him by.

I feel hands on either side of my upper arms, holding me firmly and putting an end to how erratically my body chose to shake. “You’re alright, I am right here.” Commander Ren reassures in the kindest voice, his hands sliding over my arms to better grab ahold of me, reeling me into him. I replace my hands from my eyes and move them to his shoulders, keeping my eyes glued shut as I scurry between his parted legs and closer into him, letting my face bury into his warm chest as his arms curl around my body.

I sigh a shaky breath, the beginnings of tears welling within my eyes, intending to keep them from spilling over. “I ruined the memory.” I lament, keeping my hoarse voice as steady as possible, unwanting of the slightest crack to split everything in half and send me into a fit of sobs, knowing well enough I’d never truly have the chance to go back and help my mother, to convince my father to be a better man. 

I felt frustrated with myself, frustrated with my father, not having spoken to him in over twenty years, but still more than able to cower in fear of him by a simple jog of my memory.

The Commander’s voice vibrates against skin as he quickly supplies me with his response. “You did nothing wrong, you can always go back and try again whenever you’d like, the memory will only repeat for you.” He soothes, his arms around me comforting me as one hand smoothens down my spine, while the other molds behind the back of my head. 

I rub my eyes against his uniform, turning my head for my cheek to rest against his collar bone. I frown at how spacious his chest is, how much room I have to spread out and hunker down. He is radiating a consuming heat, my tired eyes blink lazily as it transfers to me, in a way, better than the sun on my home planet. I swallow, lowering my arms to hug around his torso, pushing my face closer against him.

“It felt so real, his anger is just the same as I remember from my childhood.” I mumble, my lip quivering at the mention of my father. An embarrassing sight for any of my students to see, their Commandant melting in the arms of their Commander of the First Order after revisiting a childhood memory. As sad as it was, I was sure that many others would fall apart if they ever got to revisit memories with their parents, a difficult thing to understand, something I never thought I’d ever do, thanks to the ways of the force.

Commander Ren peaks his head down for me to get a better look at him, observing the soft shake of his head as he leans back against the wall. I tilt my jaw up to admire him though glossy eyes, the light from the stars still shining upon his face. “He cannot hurt you there, you won’t ever feel physical pain.” He consoled, his eyes telling the story of how intense my emotions must have been as I transferred them to him, feeling them all the same. I sniffled and nodded, wanting to clear through what I had felt so I would no longer project it out to him—I wouldn’t ever wish this kind of pain on him.

I raise my head the slightest bit, the momentum drops a tear that had pooled on the edge of my waterline for too long, streaking down my cheek. His brow crinkles as his lips contort, only releasing me for a mere moment to remove his gloves. His hand then slides up the side of my face as his thumb erases the sorrowed stain.

“Do you ever go back? To your childhood?” I pose the question as I release a breathy exhale, to try and somehow steer the conversation away from both of us sitting in a puddle of my own remorse, his calloused hand still holding the left side of my face. He takes a moment to himself, his fingers pause their gentle dance down the middle of my back and wrap around my waist.

“Too often, I do.”

I give him a melancholic grimace, understanding he liked thinking of simpler times as much as I did, or at least, the simple times before they turned into something worse. I let my hand slide up his back, rubbing over a solid chunk of muscle I had never gotten to appreciate before. I settle the side of my face back to his chest, his hand still cupping the opposite cheek, the pads of his fingers etching slow patterns into my skin.

I realize where I am, what I am doing with him. Caressing, and being caressed by a man who had seen a lot of carnage, dealing out a great number of it as well. Just by having access to skimming his thoughts, whatever wasn’t associated and tightly wound to me, was the agenda he had pummeled into his mind so furiously. He had been there for the slaughter of more people throughout his nearly thirty years than most around us ever got to see in an entire lifetime.

It was taskless to see through his eyes that they gave away the wear and tear of his duties, what the Supreme Leader had asked of him all these years. As well as all he kept to himself, years of no physical contact, no mental stimulation, no emotional comfort, nor support. He was deprived of basic human rights, I could then understand why he acted the way he did all this time, beside the fact that he had pushed me away because he felt undeserving, as if I were too good for him. I could also see why it was hard to get close to him; why he didn’t choose to, but ultimately gravitated toward anger as a first reaction to anything.

He knew he had to protect himself as well, from those around him, as those closest to him had once betrayed him in the past. My heart swelled up and ached for him to no end; if you chose to cut me open to examine my heart, I’m sure you’d find that it seemed I had cared for him for many, many years.

He stirs against me and I can feel his pulse heighten, surely he had heard my thoughts as they came in so suddenly with such strength. I can sense he is unnatural to this—all of it, he was inexperienced to even the idea of holding me against him in a sensual way. Despite this, I still sense he wants to do these things, as nobody had ever done so with him. He is willing and welcome to trying anything, and his mind really screamed it,  _ anything  _ as long as it was with me.

I nuzzle my head upward into the crook of his neck, unfastening the cape from around his neck to expose his skin. I tilted my head to the side for my lips to gain better access to his neck, adorned by lengthy cords of muscle that bulged even when he sat relaxed. His arm snugged around my waist adjusts accordingly to envelop me better, the other hand travelling from my cheek to hold the back of my head. I let my lips flutter the first pecks of affection upon his neck, eager and excited to be the woman to do so. He takes a deep breath in as a response to the higher I climb, my dampened lips scaling his skin and lingering under his jawline. The way I have suctioned my lips tugs on the skin of his jaw, trailing under the sturdy curve.

“Is this alright?” I hum against his skin, his heart rate as well as his mind both speeding up and racing to see who could be the fastest. I don’t peek into his mind and intrude, his emotions do enough by giving away his reaction. I didn’t think it would be right to read  _ exactly  _ what those racing thoughts of his contained. I pause for a moment, my lips hovering over the space between his neck and jaw for his answer.

“Gods—y-yes.” He breathes out a shattered reply, probably the first time I had ever heard him stammer. I chuckle, my warm breath spilling onto his skin as he bares his neck to the side, giving me more access to roam as I wish. I continue on speckling his neck with the friendly placement of my lips that at some point slowed down into tender, heartfelt kisses. He sighs once more, a little more collected as compared to last time, humming a bit with contentment.

_ Do you know how glad I am to have you here with me? _

My mouth pulls into a grin, dragging my lips upward and against his skin, closer to his ear, kissing lightly. I feel his whole body shudder against mine before I speak. “Hm, you’ll need to tell me.” I jested, letting my voice carry out and up much higher than usual, partially on purpose, and partially getting caught up in my nerves mixed with his own. I feel him fall flustered against me, despite how much he was enjoying the close contact and my kisses, having kept them to myself for so long to finally spill over him.

_ You’ve given me a peace of mind I never thought I’d find. _

I grimace, brushing my mouth back down to his neck. I feel the chill surge through him and transfer to me, his goosebumps raising upward. I breathe out against him, carrying on with my kisses and letting him say what he wished.

_ I knew we were linked from the moment I heard you speak, but I didn’t wish to believe it then, as it came untimely within my life. I suppose things like this don’t care about scheduling—popping up when you least expect them. _

“Mmm.” I react, vibrating my voice through my lips to pulse against his skin, urging him to continue on.

_ Very quickly I found I didn’t hold the power to picture you with anyone else, unable to bear the thought of you leaving the Order behind and never returning. The possibility that I’d lose you without any resolve between us… _

There’s a slight pause in the message he sends out to me, as well as a pause within his mind, too heavy and realistic of a thought for him to sit with and finish.

_ I gave in to the pull between us, what you have is too strong against my will. _

I let my kisses simmer, stopping to raise my head from his glistening neck. He kept his head overturned, his gaze lost among the stars, seeming a bit ashamed he had given in to something, despite the fact that it was me. He had relinquished some amount of power. I sigh before I speak, snaking my fingers across his neck and to his jaw, slowly and carefully directing his gaze to meet mine. His expression holds just how relieved he was to have me by his side, while mixed along with his detestment for himself and how he felt powerless to more than just the connection between us. His stare alluded to so much more, meagerly transferring his emotions to me as he couldn’t find the right words. Quickly, I find all of the right words.

“If this is the force’s will,  _ neither _ of us stood a chance trying to fight it off. You are no lesser of a man for giving in, it was only a matter of time until it brought us together the closest we could possibly be, more than we ever imagined.” I pause and lean a bit closer before I continue, letting my hand find the side of his face, feeling the makings of facial hair pricking my fingers as I smoothed over it.

“There is a reason you feel a conflict, toward whatever matters arise. The fact that you let things eat away at you for so long only shows you are a good man, waiting to make the right move at the right time, thinking everything through until you are sure of yourself. I admire that in you.”

His lips press into a tight line as he seems to hold back on the intensity of his smile, his eyes do the rest of the work to represent how well I had gotten to him with those final few words of mine. I skim his cheek with my thumb as I only grow with desire, feeling it pool within my abdomen as the heat of his stare fills me. That hand of his behind my head trails down to the backside of my neck, his long, radiating digits manipulating my skin with a kind of dedication that intoxicated me. A white hot burn slices through my stomach as I watch his tongue poke between his plush lips to wet them before granting me his reply.

“The force’s will or not… I am glad you are nowhere else but here, with me.”

I sigh and bite my lip as I feel myself fill with such strong emotions for him, finding it hard that all of them could stem from one man alone. I lean into him and already feel his arm wound around me eager to pull me in. My lips brush against his softly, merely painting mine over his. The lack of contact caused him to lean his neck outward for us to finally lock together. I reach out to him through the force, finding it incredibly laborious to separate my lips from his.

_ I can’t think of anywhere else I’d rather be. _

The connection between him and I electrifies, bounding through previous walls and expanding to new heights, places I had only ever dreamed of; his side of the connection more than pleased with my response. I let my free hand trail up his neck and settle on the other side of his face, moving and parting my dampened lips together slowly against his, tantalizing as he learns quickly and adjusts to the rhythm I had set. I can feel my body reacting to his instinctually, the pattern in which I push down against him as he rises upward against me, as if I don’t have to think about anything before it is already done. 

I feel him grow more confident in his ways, the subtle bob of his head toward mine as his lips hungrily encapsulate my own. The flow of his head tilting backward when I suction his lips to part from mine, only for him to welcome me back as I take the lead and slide my mouth open along his, closing over his top lip as his content groans pulse against mine. His palms maneuver to my back, his fingers spanning outward as they rake upward, feeling me as he feverishly pulls me closer.

For a first timer, he was exceptionally skilled at making a woman feel taken care of.

I break away from our heated cloud as I grow dizzy from the fever we both had adopted, the heat of the moment rising and taking over, forgetting to regulate my breathing as everything I had within me was put into the passionate kiss. Our lips tug apart slowly, feeling him continue to lean forward in hopes of keeping his mouth on mine, having grown fond of our shared rhythm. I laugh against him, hearing he lets out a content sigh before leaning us both backward against the wall. He rests his head as his lazy eyes drink me in. 

Somehow, he was completely pleased with the idea of taking in all of me as I sat in his lap, while the forever roaming, endless supply of stars shone bright beyond the window behind me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOOOOO how is that for a chapter?! God, writing the ending had me in my FEELINGS for a while, even though they are my characters, I ship them so hard. Ya'll happy? What do you think? Were you expecting all of this for this chapter? I hope everything makes sense and is perceived well. I'm so glad I can finally write the two enjoying themselves (with some spicy moments along the way.) Let me know your thoughts, I'm dying to read the comments! :-)
> 
> (I really took some time perfecting this chapter until I was happy with it. My online college classes have been time consuming as well, I apologise for the late update. Don't worry, I won't ever forget to.)
> 
> Thank you sooo much for sticking around for this long and continuing to read, y'all are the absolute best, so hard to believe my work is appreciated to this magnitude. xx


	25. Chapter 25

“More help?”

BB-9 beeps at my feet with a relentless dedication only he could sport, eager and ready to help me with any matters possible. I believe he was happy to have seen me make a recovery, as the last time we were together, he had powered down on the shuttle while I was on my last legs. He was exceptionally relieved when I picked him up from the repair sector he had resided in, cleaning out the build up and replacing different vital pieces of himself that had been tarnished by the snow.

A difficult reunion it was, seeing him once again, after everything was placed behind us. Much like an anxiously excited animal that had gone years without seeing their owner, BB-9 was utterly relieved we had both made a miraculous recovery since our return from Hoth. We had spent a good portion of our morning working together, side by side, the droid never roaming throughout the room too far. In the event of grabbing different papers and filing them in their specific folders, he did so with a frantic vigor that paled in comparison to his previous personality. If I thought he was riddled with nerves before, it was nothing as compared to now.

We sat in my quiet office, only the taps of my fingers against the holopad and the soft whir of the droid from below, which only ramped up higher as it adjusted to his ever racing calculations and worries. I straighten my posture to more of an upright position in my seat to stretch, yawning as I gave the droid my reply. “Sure, sure. These can go in alphabetically.” I tell him, patting the small stack of papers at the end of my desk.

He swivels closer and I help him by handing over the stack of papers. Quickly, he zips across the room and to the filing cabinet near the door. I sigh as I arch my back over my chair, feeling the tightened vertebrae of my spine stretch and pop. I hummed out with ease. 

Although we are both working, the droid is much more skilled in the art of multitasking than I am, bringing up different topics having to do with the future as he alphabetizes rather effortlessly, sticking papers in their desired files and moving on to the next. He even mentions the next mission I am to embark on, and the possibility of him coming along. 

“I am unsure, my friend.” I tell him truthfully as I am caught up with filling in different skill sets for a particular student. I did not see the need for him on a mission if Commander Ren and I, plus the troopers, already had it covered. My hair falls over my shoulders as I observe him, my thumbs sliding across the edge of the holopad mindlessly.

I hear his movements slow down a bit, grabbing each paper to examine by order of last name, then sliding it into the right file with care. He gives off a few soft and somber beeps to himself, not necessarily saying anything of importance, more like his way of sighing. I roll my bottom lip in between my teeth as I set the holopad down, switching it off as I swivel my chair out from behind my desk to better view him. 

“We don’t have to worry about it now, I’m sure you could help us in some way in the future.” 

He seems to perk up a bit more, his movements added with a sudden speed. He agrees to my comment, surely looking forward to being a helping force in the Order’s success. He adds on the mention of the meeting I am to have this morning, asking if I would return afterwards.

“Of course, can you hold down the fort in my absence?” I chide, rising to my feet and wiggling my toes within my boots. My body was still plagued with the soreness from my return to base, my movements slowed and a bit more laborious than usual. Any training sessions with students would be led carefully, while one-on-one’s would be primarily the student following my guidance, just to ensure I was ready and able for the next mission.

My droid sings out a few proud beeps from his place in front of the filing cabinet, shutting it and zipping back to my side. Carefully, I lowered the holopad to the ground for his use while I attended the meeting, happily keeping up with logging electronic files of my students onto hard copies in case we lost power and needed to get to them. I see the droid is already apprehensive of parting ways with me for a little while, but he puts on a brave face and pushes through his storm. I throw my hair into another pony, absentmindedly patting down my pockets and wondering if there was anything I needed to bring.

There wasn’t.

I maneuver closer to the door and flatten out my clothing, turning to the droid and giving him a small smile before he bid me his goodbye. The door seals shut behind me after I had passed through it, more than sure my little droid was counting the minutes until I was to return.

My thoughts quickly flutter to the Commander, not having seen him since late last night after he had walked me back to my quarters. How odd of a feeling it was to stride down the hallways in confidence, knowing we were no longer held up by previous limitations we had wedged between one another. My surroundings felt light and airy, no longer clouded by the ever-looming doubt, or the fear that once swirled over my head. I was still taken back by recent events, what I had done on Hoth, who I had met. What I felt myself slowly becoming—or more so, drifting away from.

After some time, I round the corner and enter the hallway of the main meeting room, having felt his presence within the room long before I had ever entered this particular level. I sucked in a quick breath before the doors welcomed me through, only a bit apprehensive as I knew the General was leading the meeting, and I had fallen unsure of what was in store.

I pass through the doors and am quickly met by the exterior of Commander Ren’s helmet, peering at me as he turns over his shoulder at the head of the table. I give him the faintest upturn of the corner of my mouth as I pass around him, unsure of what level of kindness we could lend each other in the presence of others, without giving away too much. I perceive the feelings within him blossoming into something bigger, reaching out and entangling within my own. I walk behind others who are seated, feeling yet another spark between us as I come into his view once more. I take in another quick breath as I bite the inside of my cheek, the level of intensity my feelings have adopted making me feel short of breath. I sit and immediately cross one leg over the other, neatly placing my hands into my lap as my gaze settles on the sleek, black table before me. 

My lashes flutter as the Commander’s feelings grow and grow, never seeming to simmer in the presence of me. I rub a shaky hand through my hair, brushing the pony tail off of my shoulder to fall down my spine. I think of matters to touch down on, some way to ease all of the flittering thoughts and emotions circling within me, starting to become entirely too difficult to sit through.

_ Everything alright this afternoon, Commandant? _

My eyes flicker to him for a split second, seeing his masked gaze settled upon me. I snap back to my place on the table, not wanting to draw too much attention to either of us. Immediately, my lips purse to fight off a strong smile, my insides almost pulsating with the amount of sensations and nerves he had supplied me with, warming me up so vehemently.

_ Quite well, actually. Anything in particular dragging you into such a mood at this time, Commander? _

The space between us is filled with an audible chuckle, one that freezes my body entirely as those around us surely notice as well, but do not hold enough confidence, or maybe stupidity, to chance a look in his direction at the head of the table.

_ Are you well rested? _

Moving on from my teasing that had been laced in the form of a question, he supplies me with another one. His voice is calm and gentle, this question even sweeter than the last. I wondered how many questions I’d get him to ask, wishing to taste just how sweet he could manage to become over time.

_ I am, and you? _

I send this out to him, keeping my sights set before me, afraid of lingering, afraid of alluding to the force-communication we had between us.

_ Quite well, actually. My busy mind has been plagued by a new kind of tranquility that I do not mind. _

I pressed my lips together and sigh quietly, enraptured by his kindness as it settled all around me. Enjoying the sticky, sweet residue his words left as they touched down within my mind. I knew exactly what he had meant, what he had been  _ hinting  _ to.

_ I am glad. _

Flustered by how well he could sweet-talk me through the force, within a room filled with others, the General breaks through the doors and cuts me down from my place in the clouds a few notches, those around me gathering their anxious attention to settle on the auburn-haired man.

“Afternoon, I apologise for the late start.”

I was more than surprised to see his late arrival, something he did not do often. The General sets his holopad and various files on a desk by the door, pacing over to an open seat and standing directly behind it while he purses his lips, his eyes settling on me.

“Before I begin, I would like to call attention to how immensely thankful I am, and how lucky we all are to have the delight of sitting in with our Commandant, who’s recovery was prayed for by many.” There is a hint of malice within his staged sincerity, knowing well enough this spiel didn’t match the tune of yesterday’s when he had chosen to visit me. Regardless, those around us nod and agree, even the silent nod of Admiral Kent can be seen, an obvious lack of any other gestures as he still remembered the last time he spoke out in front of Commander Ren.

I form my lips into an emotionless line, nodding in the direction of the General in some way of receiving his ill-intended praise, wishing to move on from it as well as the topic of the solo mission as a whole.

“Now, I must ask, what was it that tugged you in the direction of Hoth? Surely such a discovery was founded off of a sturdy inclination.” He presses onward, that reddened head of hair leaning in as his fingers dig into the seat before him, his body arching over the back rest. I feel all different sets of eyes fall onto me, awaiting my response, genuinely curious as to how I had accomplished such a feat. My heart rate pulses and spikes in disinterest with his messy tactics, trying to air out whatever dirty secret I had kept away within my mind.

“The planet is cold and desolate, a perfect place for a scavenger to keep under the radar.”

As I speak I watch his expression wrinkle, his forehead displaying worry lines, giving away his lack of assurement. I hear the click of his tongue against his teeth, signalling he was looking for more than what I was willing to offer him.

“A miserable planet indeed, but this doesn’t explain how you  _ apprehended  _ her whereabouts.”

My jaw clenches on instinct, my dampened hands gripping the material of my pants in an act to relieve some amount of anxiousness, unsure of what else I could supply him with that also sounded believable.

“Questioning our Commandant the day after she has been released.”

The Commander sounds out, full of sureness as well as surprise for the General. He continues on as the red head’s lips pull in all different directions, never apprehending this kind of defense.

“No matters are important enough for the likes of you to be asking so vehemently, especially at a time as unjust as now.” Commander Ren needled directly toward General Hux, hitting right between the eyes as he sports a rather shocked expression, the Commander having been so precise and exact with the deliverance of his words.

“I caught her up to speed of the scavengers' location. Now, the meeting, if you will.”

I remain solid in my seat as my gaze turns from the Commander and back to the General, who’s expression has fallen flatter than the plains of Tatooine. His lips continue to twitch before me as he laments over the Commander’s words, smart enough to move on without choosing to combat his wishes. He slaps a hand down on the table, the port opening and immediately shooting out a ray of light before all of us. Broadcasted before us was Takodana, displaying an intricate depiction of the landscape, listing the various different flora and fauna as well as the people who inhabited the land. I sigh, smoothening my hands over my pants as I neatly pile them back into my lap.

I happen to tune out for the  _ entirety  _ of the meeting, knowing enough of the planet to ensure our mission would go smoothly. It seemed like these meetings were for the General to show his vast knowledge of many different planets was fully operational, constantly added to and improved. Those sat around us needed to be caught up to speed, adding their two cents when needed—but to be fair, whatever was  _ truly  _ needed would surely come from the Commander. 

Takodana was also a well known planet by many, the General’s knowledge did not impress anyone at the table. This called for an exceptionally short meeting, something myself, and the Commander were thankful for, as I felt him sending me that signal.

Everyone rose to their feet to stand, I let those around the table leave before me, as the Commander let myself step out in front of him to exit before he could. I can physically sense the General’s unease, forever wondering what secrets I had kept away, wishing to split my head open and in half for those secrets to spill for his examination alone. I quickly leave the room before I sense any ideas brimming within his mind in regards to staying after, surely in a desperate attempt to waste my time.

I pass through the door frame and hear it seal shut behind me, the thud of boots approaching from behind and rounding my backside to halt to my right. I turn to meet his masked face once again, ticking off my internal checklist and adding to the amount of times I’ve found myself growing sad to see his face hidden away from those around him. I knew he had power, he knew it too, I thought it was too much of a juxtaposition to hide it away if he only wanted to instill fear and order into those who roamed about the Death Star. I was sure he could possess the power to lead every being within all star systems known to man, but shielding that face with a useless mask seemed like he was hiding away his true self.

“Do you truly dislike it? The helmet, as often as you think about it?”

His vocoder drips with curiosity, no amount of his question lined with any sarcasm or harsh feelings, only a genuine interest. I rub my lips together, looking around at the slim amount of people at either end of the hallway, too far out of an ear shot to hear our conversation. That is, unless they happened to be force sensitive.

“It is an inconvenience for me, as I’d rather see your face.” I tell him forwardly, nothing about it being over exaggerated. His blank stare doesn’t do anything for me, but I can  _ feel  _ his emotions swimming around within him and transferred to me. This is exactly the inconvenience I had mentioned—when I announced matters such as this, I wanted to see the look on his face as I had successfully flustered him, for now, ruminating in his emotions would have to do.

Ruminate I would, as the genuine shock I gathered from him brought me much joy; it wasn’t sparkling new news to him that I had feelings for him, but it still struck through him all the same, I only wished I could see it.

His large, gloved hand reaches out to my arm, his fingers dancing across my skin until he grips the bend of my elbow. His hand curves around the crook of my arm in a way that isn’t meant to be sensual or  _ loving  _ as it felt to be, I only sense curiosity blooming within his mind as he simply reaches out and feels me. His helmet is turned down and focused on the connection he had made between us as he feels me, his thumb smoothening over my skin, likely reaching out to me because he isn’t tied down by his own apprehensions and notions of being undeserving in the first place.

“I’d be delighted to show you my face somewhere private.”

The same kind of feeling he had concocted within him began to rouse within me, as he had flustered me in a similar fashion. My lip juts out into a smile, but I cannot help the frown that plasters onto my face. My eyes circle around us, worried to find some onlooker who had eavesdropped on the conversation—or worse, the General’s sly figure hearing our every word from the doorway.

I sigh, rubbing my lips together to finally purse them into a grin. I flick my head in the direction to the left, his tall stature following in pursuit as I led him onward. We traveled the halls together, side by side. Not many dared to look at us, those who stole glances only laid eyes upon us momentarily until they retreated back to staring upon the floor. The walk to my office is quiet, a sharp contrast to how quickly my mind traveled with a new influx of thoughts, still astounded by the fact that we were on good terms again, even better and more elaborate of terms than before. His mind is equally as happy to be waltzing the halls together, unbothered. There was a kind of power we held when we were together—absent of the connection we held between us, this kind of power felt like combining two fully charged beings as  _ one. _

We near my office, and only then do my thoughts touch down onto my little droid, hard at work to please me. I stride through the door frame to see he was nowhere to be found, not unusual, but surprising as he was so closely tied to my hip ever since we had reunited. I dismiss the thought, assuming he could be overseeing the officers that were training students in the training wing.

The door slides shut behind me, only the thud of boots and the resounding hiss of the commander’s helmet filling the space of the room. I turned to see him, to my amusement, absent of that damned mask, proudly displaying every beauty mark and scar that embellished his face. His tall frame bends down a bit as I straighten my spine to stand as tall as I possibly could, ready to take an eye full of him. 

“I am happy to see you.” He begins softly, the palm of his hand opening to meet the back of my bicep, moving me closer to him. “I am happy to see you too.” I reply with a light chuckle, pleased to have time to ourselves, not having to hide behind casual formalities, as well as helmets.

“Thank you for the save back there, I’m not a fan of his interrogations. He thinks he looks powerful conducting them.”

His eyes are powerfully entranced as he watches me from above, studying me so intensely. I catch the smallest twitch from the corner of my mouth, amused with my comment. “I’m not a fan of him overall _. _ ”

I nod and smile, moving in closer to him and letting my hand skim up his own bicep, rippling with sturdy muscles. I wondered how hard I could press into them, how much pressure I would have to exert before I’d surely snap a finger in half against him. The very idea excited me more than I thought it could.

“Your office is a bit cramped.” He says, his eyes never even wavering from me as he makes out the comment. It worked well enough for me, as well as my droid. Now it felt much more cramped with his towering build occupying it, as well as the undeniable and never ending connection between us—that alone was enough to make even the most grand of rooms feel compact and pinched.

“You would have never been subjected to such a room if we had never met.” I tell him, wiggling my shoulders and motioning to the space around us. His face then takes on a more playful, lighthearted nature, even his eyes softening up as they laid upon me. “You don’t know that.” He ridicules sweetly, stepping away and maneuvering around to where my chair was placed aside my desk. I smirk, raising a brow at him.

“You think otherwise?” Curiously I wondered out to him, thinking of all the years we had both worked for the Order, never crossing paths. There had been many a time I had heard of his whereabouts, purposely steering clear of his location in fear of making a fool out of myself—other officers and I would hold private chats in cramped rooms, waiting until the coast was clear, not unless our presence was expected wherever he was. 

Sometimes I had avoided him just because I wasn’t ready for that kind of interaction, our first meeting having been nothing short of disastrous. I earned a quick nod from him, drinking in his beautiful side profile before he turned that handsome face of his back to me.

“At some point we would have become better acquainted.”

He states this so simply, as if he could peek into the future and tell it without any measure of doubt. I myself doubt his certainty, unsure of how likely this outcome could have been if I had never taken that trip into the med closet as I was bandaging the wounded, needing a quick moment to myself in order to calm down.

“I find it hard to picture.” I tell him, leaning my hip into the corner of the desk as I cross my arms, giving him my undivided attention. His brow raises before he turns around, pulling my chair closer for him to take a seat, entirely too large in every way.

“Well, that personality of yours would most definitely have caught my eye at some point. I’d take that into account, along with other mentions of you and—”

I interject his storyline, having become so suddenly taken back.

“Mentions? You heard of me before we had properly met?” I investigated, watching him pause as his emotions caught up to my own, understanding my surprise. His plush lips curl into a sweet smile, nodding his head downard, like it shouldn’t be too hard to believe. “Yes.”

I frown, huffing out a breath as I break away from his stare, letting my eyes roam amongst the ceiling. He had heard things about me? What were they? Good mentionings? Mentionings from Hux?

“You were, and are the Order’s go-to trainer. Everyone spoke highly of your capabilities, highly of you as a member of the Order in general. Consequently, I knew of you.” He smirked, leaning back further into my chair, taking me in. My heart began to beat in a different manner once coming to terms with the Commander, the thought of me quickly touching down to his mind—who knew how many times before we had ever met. Before everything had broken loose between us, all amounting to  _ this  _ in the present.

My lashes flutter a few times as I adjust, the time before I had known him seemed to be so far out of my reach. It could have been years. “Go on.” I concluded, sitting upon the desk and turning my body to better face him directly, my legs dangling off of the edge.

“I assume I would have felt the need to take a visit, to make my own assumptions of you devoid of what others had mentioned.”

My mouth opens quickly, shutting even faster as I want to let him speak, keeping every question that had popped into my mind to myself. I hear him chuckle, scooting his chair against the desk, closer to me.

His eyes train onto me, more strict than before, like he was assessing me for the first time ever, right here in my office. “So eager to know  _ everything. _ ” He cooed, wheeling his chair closer to me. My lips twitch, fighting off the urge to gleam my smile down upon him. I run a hand through my hair and twirl a long strand between my fingers as a way to distract myself, my cheeks reddening at how exceptionally well he could read me. Slowly, he reaches out and slides his gloved fingers against mine, stealing away the strand of hair from my grasp.

“I would have been quite pleased with my findings.”

Now, I roll my eyes at him, letting out a raspy breath, watching him take in a deep breath as I do so. “You’re too kind, truly.” I say breathlessly, placing my hands on either side of my hips to hoist myself off of the table. But before I am able to stand, he has taken to his feet, blocking my way. 

“You don’t believe I would have been?” He asks as he rises from his seat, the once playful smirk etched onto his face was now mixed about with a slight state of confusion, finding it hard to reach my level, to understand where I was coming from. I shift my eyes to glance to the side, not able to look in many other places other than him. Now he towers over me as I sit on the edge of my desk, his palms placed flat beside both of mine, his shoulders square in line with my face, his head a few inches above me as he leans down, awaiting my answer.

“Out of  _ everyone  _ on base, it doesn’t seem likely you’d differentiate myself from others.” I tell him truthfully, reaching out and grasping the material of his cape, the coarse fabric providing me a simple distraction from the conversation at hand. Purposefully, he slants his head down for me to look nowhere else but him, his face having lost the amusement he once held. “You’d be surprised to know that you are far more alluring than  _ just  _ your capabilities, Commandant.” He implored with that righteous voice of his, so mighty and convincing. I clicked my tongue against my teeth as a response, still not very sure I could move him to be interested just by who I was as a person.

His body stirs before mine, moving in even closer. “Do you need some convincing?” He asks, his voice so low there is a slight purr to his words. I shiver as the sound echoes throughout my mind, his plush lips brushing against my forehead as I nod. I gulp down as many nerves as I could, before I feel him plant a gentle kiss against my skin.

I then feel it, as he transfers his dissertation of our first proper encounter, within the supply room in the med wing. He had been sitting quietly in the dark, tending to his wounds on his own, angry with himself, displeased with the way he felt towards just about everything in the galaxy. He was in physical pain, the mental aspect of it only winding around everything to create an even bigger mess. Then I walk in, he senses my overload, after having completely submerged myself into bandaging up those who had returned from the battle of Exodeen. I can feel my heart ache once more as he had felt it as well, that kind of pain so distant, but so recognizable. Despite this, he still hurt himself, and as much as he hated to admit it, he needed help as well.

Immediately, he was swayed as I flicked on the lights, illuminating myself as well as him. I feel the initial shock wave he had felt as he saw me, feeling my pain as well as his own, noticing my glossy eyes and rosy cheeks, pushing past it and asking if I was there to help him.

Everything seemed to change for him as I spoke; I then feel the way my voice carried across the room and entered his mind for the first time. It swirls within and around him like a sweet aroma you can’t get rid of, a slight chill pricking his skin under all those layers. He had seemed so distant, so internally bothered the first time I recall meeting him, this really helped explain why. He physically slowed down his breathing, purposely trying not to take in my scent, as well as every other part of me from across the room. I oblige his request and come closer, he can feel my hesitancy and panic and cannot help the smile that breaks across his face, feeling the beginnings of something between us.

Long after he had sent me away, I still had stained his mind completely. The rest of his day was not only consumed by my thoughts, but the idea of me in general, contrasting different reasons as to why he was drawn to me so urgently without any kind of explanation. My thoughts and emotions had entered his mind, but never exited. He compares different ideas, but deep down he knows this is some kind of attraction he had never experienced before. He was afraid of it, but intrigued by it.

He pulls me from the memory and places me back into the present, his warm lips still skimming my now flushed skin, tracing different shapes against my forehead. “I see, I didn’t know how strongly I had moved you upon first glance.” I sputtered, releasing a smile and a laugh of surprise. I feel him smile against me, planting another kiss upon my skin. “I suppose you already understand my feelings… from the very start of them.” I sigh, letting go of the material of his cape and letting my hand graze down his forearm, skimming over his gloved hand and settling mine over his. He had heard everything thought that had ever popped into my mind concerning him.

“Hmm.” He muffles against my skin with an almost sarcastic chuckle, thinking to himself for a short moment. “I’d still like to hear you vocalize it.” 

My legs part open and slide against my desk for him to stand in between, his front side now pressing up against mine as his head still leans down to keep his lips against my skin. His opposite hand has slid closer to my thigh, his fingers touching my side in only the most innocent of ways, as if he simply wanted an excuse to feel me even the slightest bit.

Licking my lips and carrying on, “I thought you were wise beyond your years. Impossibly serious. Uptight, unwavering. In need of someone younger to liven you up a bit.” We both chuckle at that last part, I can detect the slight roll of his eye even though I couldn’t actually see it, my insides rolling along as I felt him transfer those lighthearted emotions of his that I favored so much.

“Uptight.” He repeats, in the same manner I had expressed it. Now I release an actual laugh, moving my head back away from his lips to finally stare up at him. “Understandably, I do not blame you for it.” I reassure him, raising my brows while maintaining my voice to be light and airy, keeping everything in good fun. He nods and raises his own brows, his eyes tracing the ceiling, giving me a show as I let my gaze travel to his sturdy neck while his head is upturned, tugging on those beautiful muscles as they were outstretched.

“Three years older than you, and you assume you can  _ liven  _ me up.” He sighs, stating it as more of a comment than a question. I laugh some more, shaking my head as he continues his teasing. He paints the picture that my comments had caused him a great amount of grief, hitting him hard where it counts, but I can sense his obvious amusement, ready to say anything as long as it meant I kept on laughing.

“That one doesn’t hold as much truth—purely comical.” I proclaimed, craning my neck upward to watch his lips stick out further as he purses them, still thinking to himself and wondering outwardly. 

“You’ve found me to be unwavering.” He adds on, still continuing on with his teasing. I laugh some more, wholeheartedly amused by the conversation, wishing to be nowhere but here with him, feeding off of each other’s good mood.

“In some aspects more than others.” I correct as I straighten my posture and push myself up further to try and meet his gaze, still purposely taking an interest into the ceiling of my office. I had once thought he didn’t have an ounce of goodness in him—I only thought that for a very small window of time, quickly realizing there was  _ much  _ more to him than meets the eye, more than what others understood.

I watch as he pulls away from his sham of an interest in the ceiling, his eyes meeting mine with a sudden fascination, our faces a few inches away from each other. “I could only ever waver for you.” He professed, his voice soft but still low and gravely to explain his intent. My heart adopts a new pattern while it thuds in my chest, wound up tight by his emotions that had circled around within me. I swoon as I watch his lips part, twitching as his gaze falls to my lips, remaining there for only a moment before he tears away to meet my eyes once more. 

My head cocks to the side instinctually, unable to resist the urge once I knew for certain he was thinking along the same lines as I, having fought this kind of feeling for far too long to pass up an opportunity now. He notices my advancement, the flicker of excitement sparkling in his eyes, turning his head the opposite way as he leans down to meet me halfway. Our lips only skim one another’s playfully, lightly tracing his soft bottom lip over my own, feeling his chest rise and fall against mine as his sweet breath swirls across my face, warming my cheeks.

He is the one to end the teasing, moving the slightest bit forward for our lips to connect as one. We form together as if our mouths were designed for one another, the missing piece standing in front of us for quite some time. I can feel myself blossoming against him, as if he alone had always been my muse. I couldn’t believe I had gone twenty six years without him, only finding him now.

His body steps forward and presses closer against me, his hands forming upward from my thighs and planting onto my hips, tugging and pulling me into him. I am proud to see he is getting the hang of this—an intimate embrace not always shared with others. He is also the one to initiate the part, only to bob his head forward to slide those luscious, dampened lips against mine once more to deepen the kiss. I smile into him, clinging against him because I truly believe he was the sturdiest thing in this dizzy mess of a life I lived. I find there wasn’t much use in pulling him any closer, as there was no room left between us.

My spine arches back to keep up with the motion of our kisses, deliciously slow and full of our fondness for one another. His tall frame had made it somewhat difficult to keep up with how deep his kisses had become, but I would keep it up no matter the excuse as long as it was with him. He continues pressing into me, my fingers sliding underneath his heavy cape and gripping at the fabric snug to his backside; as soon as my ass presses against the cold metal of the holopad on my desk, I then understand there is still work to be done before we are both to embark on our next mission. A good portion of my thoughts are taken over by the rest of the day and tomorrow, needing to dedicate a good amount of time to finishing my work before leaving.

In two days time we would be on Takodana, as per Commander Ren’s inkling. The force hadn’t guided his thoughts to this planet in particular per se, but he still had a different kind of hunch in regard to Skywalker’s hideout. Takodana was a well known planet within the galaxy, home to many smugglers, spies, and others from all walks of life. We would not need to come in contact with many, as he had it set out in his heart that his uncle wouldn’t be stupid enough to hide in plain sight, blanketed by the heavy veil of people all around. 

He had pegged his uncle to hide away within the forests, or the different rolling, grassy hills the planet had to offer. I didn’t doubt his hunch for a second, most of his worry always having some kind of reasonable understanding to it. Besides, I don’t think I’d complain too much—it was very obvious to me that I would follow this man anywhere, on a whim, on a hunch, no matter what.

I feel him gain the information whizzing around in my mind, the gentle pull from his lips off of mine following after, my eyes finding his as well as the concerned look on his face. The afterglow of he himself, as well as the passion he had suctioned from my soul to then part through my lips and into him, had dazed me severely, blinking away my hazed vision to keep up with the kindling of his thoughts. “I can help you.” He states plainly, a slight flush to his face letting me know he had enjoyed the kiss as much as I had, still, not used to expressing his feelings to me. That was quite alright in my eyes.

“Oh—I… I wouldn’t want to bore you.” I cautioned, releasing my grip around his wide torso, loosening my legs from around his, having almost wrapped every limb of mine around him entirely. Mindlessly, I still let my fingers circle against the material of his uniform, keeping him close. I watch him study me as he adorns a beautiful smirk, one that easily deemed me foolish for ever doubting  _ anything _ he wanted or set out for, a smirk that could ultimately dictate my choices in life. “You never could.” He quips as smooth as satin, as he steps back to examine the room, definite and undoubting of my concern.

He grabs the chair facing the opposite side of my desk, pulling up closer to mine. My lips quirk upward as I watch such a large man operating in a rather small room, groaning the slightest bit as he lowers himself into the seat. He sits without any visible signs of discomfort, the chair he had chosen had been much smaller and less comfortable than my own, especially for someone of his stature. I take my bottom lip between both of my teeth and bite down as I rise from the edge of the desk, crossing the room and grabbing fresh sheets of blank paper. I load them into the printing device, then plopping myself into my seat beside him to power on the holopad.

The screen quickly loads up the last student of mine I had been recording onto hard copies, I lean over in my seat and power on the printer as well. I lose myself in the holopad momentarily, scrunching my brow as I try to recall if I had already filed a particular student or not, unsure if I had done it and simply forgotten.

Warmth spills into an untouched crevice within my chest, breaking me from my concentration for me to focus solely on the feeling, very blatantly positive and radiating just how strong it was. I place a hand over my chest, rubbing against my shirt to alleviate myself, my body beginning to heat up in pursuit.

“Sorry.” I hear him say on my side. Out of the corner of my eye I catch his gaze shift from me and to the holopad, completely missing out on the fact that he had been watching me scroll through the tablet this entire time. Along with the heat he had supplied me, my cheeks buzz with a harsh crimson as I feel myself grow bashful from how sneaky he could be, stealing glances at me without my knowledge. 

“It’s quite alright.” I told him, just as I began to feel his embarrassment for  _ my  _ embarrassment. I remember back to only yesterday, after admitting our feelings to one another, how he had mentioned he did not know how to go about something like this. I smile to myself, turning my head to catch a glance of his eyes so fixated on the tablet in my hands. I lean to my right the slightest bit, letting our upper arms brush up against each other. His embarrassment, as well as my own is replaced with an intrigue in this subtle touch, nothing exciting by any means, but enough for me to still feel his heart soar powerfully enough to break clear through his chest.

We fall into our own little routine once I have successfully found which student I had left off on; I double check each student to make sure everything is correct, adding minor notes or missing assessments I had yet to finish wherever I saw them, then printing them out once I was confident in them. The Commander takes the printed pieces and files them individually, alphabetizing them just as BB-9E would have done, absent of the conversations the droid kept with himself, as well as the internal hum of his harddrive.

The Commander also helps me organize which students were ready to graduate to become troopers, having the right skill sets in order to successfully move on to the next step. I roll off different ideas to him from the top of my head, mentioning my different thoughts and opinions. He is excellent in lending me his vision from his side of things, as he too was well versed out on the battlefield. 

If I thought I could maybe let a student graduate, despite some minor signs they still needed to work on personal hurdles they had yet to push through, he was to the side of me as my voice of reason. He supplied me his professional opinion, helping me see which students were, in fact, ready to move on to bigger and better things as I had only over thought their hindrances, while others held too many setbacks that would ultimately weaken their chances at performing to the best of their abilities as troopers.

He takes the different students we had decided upon and makes separate files for both outcomes; those who fit the bill, and those who did not. A handful of hours went by in the form of minutes, it seemed, chatting here and there about past experiences on the battlefield, his recollection of different stormtroopers he had favored over the years, some I had trained in the past. We laughed and agreed upon obvious students that had performed quite dull in contrast with their peers, some cut from a different cloth than others and never needing to apply to become stormtroopers in the first place, as it wasn’t their cup of tea.

I found that our arms stayed glued together for the entire duration of our work, despite the few times he rose to file different folders once they were filled to the brim. He would carefully sit back down, each time he did I awaited the warmth he would bring me as he leaned into me, and each time he obliged. My heart fluttered at the very thought of us and how magnetized we were, the force always insisting we were placed no further than an arms length apart.

Now I sit stumped, sitting on the edge of my seat as my fingers curl over the holopad, deep in thought. Myra, a student of mine, showed much potential in her training sessions with me, within the top five of her class in regards to how well she performed in our different trials. As long as I had wielded the power to sink into the minds of others, I always found that Myra was hesitant to actually fight on the battlefield, unsure if she could actually  _ kill  _ someone, regardless if they were the enemy or not. She showed nothing but strength and courage in our training rooms, but I still found her studying her own self worth, deeming and redeeming herself unfit to take the life of another.

“She could grow out of this, couldn’t she? It could be some kind of teenage phase, maybe, something she would only learn to push past on the battlefield?” I wonder out loud, setting down the tablet and leaning back into my chair. 

“I  _ think _ you’re overthinking it.” He begins, giving his opinion, but still stated as kind as could be. The Commander sits down into his seat as he had made his way back from the filing cabinet, positioning himself further into the seat, making sure our arms rested against one another once more. “I don’t think it would hurt to hold onto her for a little longer, to ensure her performance when her day comes, especially if you have doubts. She could push past her fears while she practices a bit more.” He adds, his head turning to me, so serious and so very concerned about my work, wanting to help me along the way of making the right decisions. 

I nod, lending him a smile. “I think you’re right.” I say to him, yawning softly. I place my hand upon his bicep to give him a thankful squeeze, sitting back up to lean on the edge of my seat, my arm growing colder with the absence of his warmth as I reach for the holopad once more. I sigh, changing the girl’s stats, updating her main status for further inspection, recalling her for another six months. She was of the age, but not quite ready for all that being a stormtrooper entailed. I knew she wanted it, but I also knew that a little more time, as well as a little more encouragement and one-on-one sessions, could ultimately do her well.

As I send Myra’s file to the printing device, my body is struck with yet another hefty feeling, stemming from the Commander as his thoughts become too loud and too clear not to hear. A brimming idea in the works, as I feel him thinking about it, piecing different aspects together to finally form a question for me.

“We should leave early, you and I.” He states, feeling his gaze heating up the side of my face. I turn to him to flash a quizzical brow, leaning my body to the left to grab Myra’s paper from the printer. “To Takodana?” I specify, earning the simple nod of his head. My hands twiddle in my lap, my nails skimming my skin as I lose myself in thought; I think over what this could mean, why he would suggest taking an early leave, but he supplies me with the answer to all my questions.

“You shouldn’t work all the way up until our departure, you’d benefit from a day of idleness.”

He tears his gaze from me to walk across the room, adding Myra’s file to the folder of those we didn’t deem ready enough to become troopers. He turns on his heel, his cape dramatically swiveling around as his body does the same. I soften my eyes on him,  _ almost  _ getting lost at the sight of him overall. “I think we can both see there is more work to be done, most definitely spilling into tomorrow.” I say lightly, giving him a soft glance as he saunters back to his seat. I see his intention, his collective thoughts all giving off the same idea. I interject before he can speak.

“I appreciate your help, but I couldn’t ask you to continue, there is far too much.” I tell him, leaning forward in my seat to better meet his gaze. I place a hand on his knee, so broad and sturdy beneath my touch. I can feel the interaction excitement, like a quick flash across his mind, altering his mood for the better. 

“Don’t ask then.” He quips, a devilishly handsome smirk stretching his bottom lip thin. I give off a small huff, turning my body to face him as he has already faced me, readying himself to add on more. “I can’t leave you to this in good conscience, it would go by much faster with some help.” He persuades, so easily convincing me. My insides warm on my own accord, pleasantly surprised to see how kindly he was offering to sit in my tiny, bland office, filing and recording away to ensure a free day for us tomorrow.

He notices my hesitation, although I was pretty much convinced. I felt that he had many other possibile matters to attend to, rather than doing paperwork with me. His large gloved hand encompasses mine that had been placed on his knee, like a dark shadow two times the size of my own hand. “We could leave as soon as we finish up here, just the two of us. To get a lay of the land while enjoying the greenery the planet has to offer, a day before the troopers arrive.”

I listened to him as he encouraged me, his offer sounding very appealing once I had believed how much he didn’t mind helping me out, seeming to  _ want  _ to go on this little excursion with me. 

“I think you deserve it, after everything.” He gently adds, his eyes averting down to our lap. His fingers were now tracing down my open palm, trailing off and winding down different fingers lightly. His other hand was wrapped around my wrist, his fist so brawny and enclosed around me it almost seemed like shackles, despite the fact he only made me feel open and free whenever I was around him.

“I think you deserve some downtime as much as I do.” I explained, dipping my head down as a signal for his eyes to meet mine once again. His facial expression remains mostly solid, his eyes as well as his internal elation giving away how pleased he was with me.

I take this moment to lean in a bit more, slowly, for my lips to press against his, overwhelmed by how observant and caring he was toward me, something I would have never known about him from first glance as an outsider. This kiss was different from others, sincere, holding a great amount of admiration of how much of a great man he is, my lips spread across his but never molding together with the intention of taking it further. I hear him breathe out as I kiss him tenderly, his dancing fingers across my hand coming to a solid stop as soon as our lips have met. I break away a measly amount, only to lean back in to place a delicate peck upon his lips once more.

“I think that’s a great idea.” I reassure against his lips, adding on a little more. Now his face breaks out into a smile,  _ almost  _ strong enough for his teeth to just barely peak through those pillowy lips of his. He nods and I tilt my head upward, nudging my nose against his gently. He dips his head in and steals a short kiss from me, one I can  _ feel  _ that he wanted to be only the beginning of many more to come, but we both shy backward as we sense my droid approaching the door.

As soon as we slink further back into our seats, BB-9 zips through the door, beeping happily as he is the one to inform me of my next class, the excitement his duties gave him truly unlike any other person I knew.

The droid’s beeps are cut off when he notices the Commander, not necessarily shying away from him, only surprised that someone of his rank was within the confines of my office. I clear my throat. “Thank you, friend.” I tell my droid, his head swiveling to me quickly, trying to act like he hadn’t been caught staring.

“This is BB-9E, my droid.” I tell him as I lean to his side on my right, feeling the elation that pulsates through him as I let my arm rest against his, growing used to his specific kind of warmth he was so generous in giving me.

“We’ve met, just yesterday.” He says aloud, to me as well as the droid, like he was speaking to a friend. I suck in my lips and arch a brow, staring into the side of his face as he studies the droid, his expression absent of any malice or hard feelings. Gently, I nudge into the Commander’s mind, trying to find out exactly how he would have met the droid.

He is open to letting my roam throughout his thoughts,  _ many  _ of them having to do with me. Some I see hold other topics, different importances giving off a different kind of energy. I still notice other topics, shaded with my hue as he had somehow wound me into matters that didn’t always have to do with me in the first place. I shift past everything to find what he was alluding to, finding the exact memory I was looking for.

Upon his travels back to base, after receiving word I was rescued in a  _ very  _ critical condition, his return was filled with mixed emotions. He was relieved I was found and returned, but was terrified I wouldn’t make it out alive for him to speak to me, wanting so badly to fix every sore he had left open and unattended between us. He regretted shooing me away in his personal training room on his floor, he feared that would be the last interaction with me, haunting the rest of his days, lamenting over what he could have done differently. 

He had then received word that I was in stable condition, expected to make a recovery within a few days. As pleased as he was to know I was going to live, he still was apprehensive of speaking to me. He had much to say, but had such a hard time even practicing with himself. He had done all he could manage for the time being, alerting others that I had  _ not  _ gone AWOL from the Order, that he expected my duties to stay within my grasp until he saw fit. 

He also donated his blood in the med bay, insisting they used none other than his. Such a loss of blood had severely hindered his mobility, striking him vulnerable for a few hours as he stood his ground, adamant that the med personnel continued filling vials full of  _ his  _ blood. When there was nothing left to do, he had caught word of a droid’s lifeless body on the shuttle, as they had found him wedged within a corner of the cockpit.

Anxiously awaiting my consciousness, he located my droid and sat in on the procedure as they powered him back to life, looking for answers. Upon replacing him with a fresh harddrive, one devoid of snow and water damage, BB-9 whirred to life once again, immediately displaying my distress message moments before I had ultimately given up.

He had ordered the technicians around him out of the room, clearing it for only himself and the droid. BB-9 was only in standby mode, still needing some time to charge so he would be himself again. Once the Commander was alone, he played my distress call, unsure of what he would find.

He didn’t like what he had seen, not one bit. The little droid displayed a hologram figure of myself, bloodied, bent over the droid and pleading to whoever would find the two of us, long after I had perished. My words nauseate him, my strong inclination that death was knocking at my door, unaware that help was not too far away. It makes him feel physically sick to witness my surrender to the fight best known as life, my injuries too vast for me to sit and stew with all alone. He is pained to witness such distress in my voice, he is even able to understand through the hologram that I had been thinking of him, the very mention of his name rolling off of my tongue holding enough evidence for him to understand that I  _ truly  _ wished to see him again, but I didn’t have it in me to continue on.

He only listens to my message once, as it is too sickening to imagine the Order without me—his  _ life _ without me in it. The guilt he holds pangs within him, damning himself for not being by my side as he should have been, the force calling  _ both _ of us to Hoth as a pair. He had known this to be true, but had ignored it to deal with the internal battle of his feelings for me.

If this were anyone else’s droid, he would have smashed the mechanical ball to smithereens before him once the hologram ended, the flickering light pausing on my sunken face. He let his hands form into fists, disgusted with himself and his actions, worse than what he had originally thought, driving me to run away from the Order to live my life elsewhere, without him. He believed he had ultimately almost killed me because of the choices he had made, purposefully setting aside our feelings because he was afraid of the outcome.

He no longer cared about what was positioned ahead of us, after admitting his feelings to me. He no longer wished to keep it to himself, now knowing I was alive and recovering—now there was a chance to talk to me. He vowed to be open and honest with me from this point on, assuming that I would still feel the same way. He still didn’t know how to voice everything he wanted to say, but he knew he was going to try.

I can feel the memory ending, seeing that he almost leaves the room, before calling to the droid as he approaches the door.

“Thank you for looking after her, for all these years.”

Just like he had exited the room, I exit the expansive twists and turns within his mind, facing him in the present. I feel a bit taken back, the droid and the man before me awaiting some kind of response. I feel quite emotional, the Commander’s face softening even more as he understands what I had concluded from his thoughts and memories.

“Oh, I see.” I bewailed, my voice cracking down the middle of my attempt to keep a calm reply. Everything feels as if it hits me at once, my eyes tracing between the two of them, finding that my bottom lip has adopted some kind of tremor.

“Thank you, BB-9. We’ll meet you there.” The Commander resounded with caution, nodding to my droid. BB-9 anxiously looked between the small amount of space between us, beeping something to himself, and then taking his leave from my office. I am surprised to see that he leaves on such short notice.

My browline has also adapted to the same trembling rhythm as my lip, fumbling around and trying to keep a straight face. The Commander only scoots closer to me, his long arm extending around my backside and pulling me into his side. I huff through glassy eyes, clearing my throat. “That was a lot to unpack.” I grieved, giving it my all not to fall apart into that welcome, spacious, all encompassing embrace of his I knew was only waiting for me.

He sighs softly, his upturned lips pressing against my forehead, nodding. I take a second against him, mulling over everything I had picked up from his mind, coming to terms with it, understanding just how  _ much  _ dedication he had stored up for me. Different kisses stain my skin, soft and gentle as he lets his lips brush over me time and time again. He remains quiet and patient as he comforts me, all that I needed within that moment to adjust to my findings.

I pulled back from him, releasing a stronger, more stable sigh this time around as my eyes met his. “I believe I’m ready.” I inform him, looking strongly in his eyes to convince him. What he had done for me, all he had felt for me was much heavier than I had expected. Donating a great amount of blood for me—now he and I were  _ really  _ wound together, and I didn’t have any complaints.

I watch as he nods, believing in me as he leans forward to peck my forehead once more. I see he isn’t hesitant to do so, pulling back with a kind smile adorning his lips. We both rise from our seats, I switch off the holopad while he stacks different papers together, making it easier for both of us to return to later. I turn back to him once I hear the latches on his helmet secure closed, most likely having debated putting it on or leaving it off. I beam a smile his way, watching him step back for me to lead the way through the door.

We exit through, stepping into the halls for the first time in a few hours, having come to an even better understanding of the Commander. At first he trails behind me, but I slow down for him to meet me at my side. It is a short-lived walk from my office to the training wing; I can feel the peace of mind he exudes as we walk shoulder to shoulder. As we turn a secluded corner, I even let my fingers skim against his gloved ones, momentarily holding onto his hand, just because I could. He gives me a good squeeze, and I let go as we round the corner, hesitant of more people coming into our sights.

Just as we enter the small training room, the class of young students, ranging from ages five to seven, all stand up straight in fear of who I was accompanied with as we strode through the blast doors. Biting down on the inside of my cheek, I force away the option to laugh at the faces they were sporting, terrified beyond words to so suddenly come in contact with such a figure of power. 

“Hello, class.” I chirp with some excitement in my usual tone of voice when working with young students. Airy, high in pitch, and sweet enough to keep their attention, much higher than my usual way of speaking. I had hoped it would cut the very obvious tension they had created in the room, but it doesn’t do much.

This was the same class of tiny students I had trained once before, the same day that mysterious fire had broken through the docking bay. They had all met the Commander before, but I believe he had taken his helmet off much sooner the last time he showed up to a training session.

Subtly, as subtle as I needed to be in front of a class of children, I cleared my throat, edging my thoughts for him to pick up on. Signalling to him that maybe it would be best if he removed his helmet for them, enabling some amount of familiarity and trust with the students once more.

He takes my cue, quickly raising his hands to either side of his helmet. Little bodies before us startle and jump, eyes snapping open wider at the sound of his helmet hissing throughout the room, bouncing off all walls. He gives his head a shake, his loose curls falling into place effortlessly, and rather beautifully. I suppress the urge to gawk at the sheen of his hair as the light hits it, or the overall beauty he so easily displayed without even trying, painfully forcing myself to turn my attention to the students.

_ Greet them, it might jog their memory of you. _

I reach out to him, feeling my message touch down and resonate within his mind. Now, he clears his throat, licking his lips as his eyes search over the tops of their heads.

“Hello, students.” He croaks out, trying his best to not sound as intimidating and as cut throat as he knows he can be at times. Like a switch had finally been turned on, I watch as narrowed eyes soften up, the corners of pin straight mouths finally curling upwards in delight. All at once they smile, either jumping up and down in excitement of running toward him just as they remembered he was the same Commander Ren that once taught them new battle stances, perfecting their ways of fighting, and giving his advice wherever it was needed.

The clamor of their delighted squeals and giggles rings loud throughout the room as they ambush him, so many of them wrapping their arms around his legs, standing no taller than the space between his belt and his knees. I laugh as I watch the students interact with him, tugging on his cape and hiding behind it, their electrified reaction a sure way to see that they remembered him and his kindness from the last time he had shown up.

I stand back as I watch him greet the students, bending down to his knees to better meet their level. Many wind their tiny bodies around his long arms to hug him, greeting him the only way they knew how. I let them interact, as they are still children and shouldn’t have fond memories of their fearless Commander ended too shortly without enjoying it. His own laugh rings out and electrifies my senses, as it is hearty and broad. He vocalizes his laughter with no intention of dying it down, letting himself be who he wanted here in the now. The sound dances through the air and fills me with an even stronger fondness of him—feeling attached to him was a sweeping understatement.

He stares up at me with a kind of smile that almost pains me to see, knowing it stemmed from a genuine kind of happiness. His teeth gleam the way they always have, during the few times I have ever gotten to see it. A truly mesmerizing smile, probably able to stop time to a standstill with the slight upturn of his cheeks. I think about all I would give up in my life, all I would sacrifice to trap that smile of his in a bottle, to forever view at my leisure.

Selfishly, I wanted to see nothing but that smile for the remainder of my days, as it raptured me so strongly. I think I would do anything to continue seeing that smile, cutting ties with whoever I had to, walking away from my duties at whatever the cost. That smile was meant to be in my life—I was meant to be the driving force that wakes that smile from its slumber, deciding to step out into the light.

I cross my arms over my chest, my fingers fumbling with my bottom lip as I try to hide how strong my smile has become. I let them play for a little longer, then seeing in the Commander’s expression that he needed to come up for air.

“Places, please!” I yell out as I laugh, watching different students say their goodbyes to him. I catch him waving his gloved hand in their direction as they run across the room, the Commander rising to his feet with an amused expression etched onto his face. My chest still thrums with a fearsome warmth, one I cannot control, when he makes his way to my side. I can feel him radiating with the same kind of heat, obviously enjoying and understanding how I had felt as I watched him.

I cannot string together the right kind of response to give him, so I merely grin in his direction, wanting nothing more than to reach out and plant a kiss on his lips. He completely understands how I feel, as his emotions giving it away to me so clearly. He simply brushes his arm against mine, sending me a lighthearted grin as I feel the string between him and I emboldening, having grown stronger and more impenetrable with time.

We both approach the students and I begin their lesson, giving a quick overview of what we had learned from our last lesson, while tying it together with today’s. Commander Ren stands by my side quietly, respectfully waiting for me to finish my lecture. I still notice rapid eyes firing away from me and to him, the students still so interested and so excited he came.

Finally, as I have seen their jittering bodies unable to sit still for any longer, I commence training, letting everyone rise to their feet to find their battle stances. Ren moves in and helps different students with proper form, his large hands fixing the placement of little arms, repositioning little legs to point in the correct direction. The students copy my moves, the Commander demonstrating as well to serve as an extra example.

The students are more than ready to begin practicing, one student already appointing Ren as his partner. He adjusts the small child wherever it’s needed, but I still hear his encouragement ring out louder than his corrections. The student fakes a blow and the Commander pretends to get hit, almost falling over as he covers his face from the child; laughter sounds through the air as he learns from one of the greatest teachers in the galaxy.

The entire training session goes better than I could have ever hoped for; everything feels natural, smooth, going according to plan. The way Ren steps in to help other students, occasionally flashing his eyes over to meet mine as I am helping a different student, noticing him checking in on me although he could tap into my mind without looking, without being obvious. The grins he flashes me make me mournful, doubting if I even deserved such a powerful happiness, gifted to me from such a man. Despite this, I smile back, because I can understand he wonders the same thing.

  
As we stand a good distance and a great amount of children between us, I cannot help but feel like this is where we  _ both _ are meant to be, working together for the betterment of others.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! I hope you enjoyed this chapter; I told myself I loved the last chapter, but I think I like this one even more. I like that things are really beginning to open up between Margot and Kylo, I'm happy for them (also happy to be able to write some spicy/cute stuff here and there heheh.)
> 
> On a more somber note, I apologize for having this chapter up rather later than I had intended. Long story short, there's a rather hefty chance my mom has cancer, and hasn't been doing well for a while now. I had this chapter mapped out for a while, but found it difficult to add to and finish as my mind has been all over the place for the past few weeks, everything really hitting us hard within the last week. I pushed myself today and was very pleased with the final revision. It might take me a bit longer than usual to update, but I will always push out a new chapter for you guys within a week or two, until I state otherwise. I do not ever plan on disregarding this story, as I have grown pretty attached to it as well as the character's stories/development. I will keep you guys updated on whether or not things gets worse (we are preparing for them to, since the chances are so high) and I promise to inform you if I ever need to take a break from updating, but I do not see that as a possibility until maybe sometime in the future.
> 
> Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for continuously reading, these comments really make my DAY while pushing me forward to continue writing, y'all are truly my muse at the end of the day (as well as Adam Driver/Kylo Ren/Ben Solo)  
> xoxo <3 I love you guys.


	26. Chapter 26

_ We are all set to leave. _

My lips pull into a grin as I file away the last stack of papers into their specific folders, Commander Ren’s voice phasing into my mind, the glimmer of excitement woven into his words distinguishable even through our connection. He had insisted on helping me finish every last file, but I had convinced him to oversee the preparations for his shuttle only an hour or so ago, ensuring it was prepped and ready for our early start.

_ Perfect, I’ll be on my way. _

My chest buzzes as I collect to my feet, pushing in my chair and powering the printing device down. I found it hard to believe that not long ago, the Commander and I had been separated by such a thick canopy of ignorance and fear. Deep down, he had known the two of us could have come to a mutual understanding, but at the time, was unable to see how to accomplish such a thing.

Now, we were leaving for this planet, just the two of us. I wasn’t questioning anything, nor was I nervous of spending even more time with just him on Takodana, I was simply struck down with tranquility. I was pleased to be on such good terms with him—I wanted to ensure I’d never ruin it.

I yawn and finish the last swallow of coffee left in my cup, checking the time to see it was only two and a half hours into the early morning, a time I would usually be fast asleep. I tuck in my chair, hearing my droid’s beeps fill the space between us, asking of how long I would be gone. I grimace, raising my shoulders the slightest bit. “Around three days, I would apprehend.” 

He gives me his version of a sigh, his internal fans ramping up dramatically, whirring back down to normal right after. The way he looks around my room following my answers tells me he was not ready to part from me, at least not now. 

My fingers skim my desk, flattening out my palm and leaning my weight into my hand, releasing my own kind of sigh. I wasn’t planning on bringing him along for this early leave, nor the mission in general, but something inside of me twinged with pain at the thought of him, all by his lonesome. Attending routine check-ins with students without me, trying to fill the hours of his days as best he could. 

“Would you care to tag along?” 

The droid’s attitude perks instantly, his small and circular head popping up to examine me, making damn sure I wasn’t lacing my words with any kind of sarcasm, something he was  _ barely  _ able to catch on to. 

I lean off of the desk, peering down at him as he whizzes up beside my boots. “You wouldn’t need to pack a bag, would you?” I chuckle as I ask. He displays a flurry of beeps, all catered to his belief I had meant what I had said, explaining as to why he wouldn’t need to. I shake my head and laugh as he begins to understand the joke, I move on from any embarrassment he could possibly concoct as I make my way toward the door.

The droid and I bound down the halls, my eager feet granting us a speedy deliverance through the different sectors and into the docking bay, taking notice of the Commander’s shuttle as ready as ever for departure. I fight off a yawn and keep my lips clamped together, unable to remember a time I was waltzing around this area of the Death Star at such a time.

I nod at the zone captain, as well as the officers surrounding him; looking to my side, I observe BB-9’s wandering head, swiveling 360° around his accelerating body. He admires the ceilings, the walls, the different shuttles and starships lining the sides of the room, as well as the many people hard at work. I admire them in passing just as he does, not recognizing too many faces as they worked the night shift, only taking rest during a time I would be seeing my own duties to completion.

We both approach the shuttle, the ramp already lowered to the ground for easy access. I let out a relieved breath, thankful I didn’t have any kind of run in with the General, someone who was sure to be stockpiled full with questions concerning our early leave, still dedicating a good amount as to how I managed to find our assailant on my solo mission. I think to the Supreme Leader, wondering how much leniency he has for Ren, or how short a leash he was kept on, letting us leave for a mission a day earlier.

We scale the ramp quickly, I feel my every limb ache with a kind of protest I wasn’t too fond of, but all too familiar with. Having been chilled so thoroughly to the bone for such a large chunk of time had consequences, limiting my mobility, causing me to feel much like an antique, or a first generation version of a patrol droid. My mind slips away from me, beginning to wonder if those around me could pinpoint my struggle, or if the Commander sensed it and was  _ inconvenienced  _ by it. I hoped not. 

My droid’s body clinks and clanks against every divet and groove until we have reached the top. I vaguely remember the last time I had boarded the Commander’s shuttle, frozen, weak and bleeding out. In a state where I surely would have perished if it weren’t for… the Commander’s mother.

I am swept up by a sudden gloomy feeling, despite this early trip that Ren was so kind as to offer, so close in my sights up ahead. It gnaws on my insides as I can better think back to how awful I had felt as I left Hoth. Looking down, I see that BB-9 isn’t too affected, rolling along beside me at whatever pace I chose to set. I stamp my boots harder onto the floor, trying my best to leave those awful feelings as far behind me at the entrance of the shuttle as I could. I slow as we approach one of the small hallways, conveniently tucking away two rooms.

“You can relax in my room if you’d like, there isn’t much for you nor I to do at the moment.” I inform him, sure he could use some time to himself after remaining as such a ceaselessly helpful companion for all of yesterday and well into the night. He gives off a content beep, one that sounds as if he was just now coming to terms with how overdue some downtime had come to be. Agreeing with me, he scurries down the rest of the hallway without another word. I knew it meant a lot to him, bringing him along so he could be near me, keeping tabs on how I was doing, after having gone through a lot with him.

I flatten out my uniform, sidestepping to pass through the main area of the shuttle, crossing into the familiar hallway that would lead me to the cockpit. I study the floor, replaying what was left in my memories. Now I recall my return from Hoth a little  _ too  _ well, my senses raised to a height as my nerves get the best of me mid-thought. My shoulders shake as my spine develops a deep shudder, dwelling on how painful it was to scoot and slide down this hallway, trailing my puddle of blood behind me while using it to my advantage onward to the cockpit.

Forcefully, I push out a solid breath, moving forward through the hallway, alerting the blast doors for them to grant me entry. I enter the cockpit, my mind flashing back to giving up in this very room, a ways behind the pilot’s seat, wedged up against the wall and my droid’s then lifeless body.

The Commander is one step ahead, having already begun to head toward the door before I had entered the room. His helmet is off, his hair a bit messier than usual, due to running and raking his fingers through it during a long night’s work side by side. I have a hard time snapping out of my haze, having become so heavily melted into the past that I had to physically pull myself from my memories to observe the present.

“I didn’t think for a second this would be a problem—we can take the Finalizer instead.” He begins, his sympathetic face hardening up with his intent. I feel his regret as he expels it and unintentionally transfers it to me; disappointed in himself, wishing to have thought about the potentiality of memories this would rouse within me.

He laces my fingers through his bare ones, his rough hand engulfing mine entirely, but I keep my feet planted as he attempts to move us out of the room. “Please, I can get through it.” I cut in, turning my hand to pull him back to me, while I turn to my side to better face him. I sigh, tilting my head upward to look him in the eye. “You’re here with me, that is all I need.”

My response cuts him in half, his mind simmering down and melting under how warm my words made him feel. His lips purse, his head nods, I can see him pressing his lips tighter together as a smile sneaks his way through. He sends me the feelings within him, similar to what he had felt training me—he was  _ proud  _ of me, of my perseverance.

Still holding his hand, we walk to the control panel, to which I lower into the copilot's seat, immediately buckling in as I recall a time where I had regretted not doing so much sooner. I keep my focus on the control boards, the flashing lights blinking in different variations and patterns, illuminating the dim room. Hearing the roar of the engines snaps me out of my trance as he flips through the different levers, turning to the side and watching him effortlessly power on the shuttle. With the flick of his wrist here, punching in coordinates there, he goes through the motions much faster, and more impressively than I ever attempted to.

We watch as the zone captain gives us the go to head on out, and Commander Ren slides back into his seat, buckling in and pushing the steering wheel forward to exit the docking bay. I can sense his apprehensiveness, wanting to ask once more if I’d like to switch our mode of transportation, something else other than his shuttle. I quell his thoughts, extending a metaphorical hand over his mind in a way of providing my answer. He shoots me a quick look, nodding and letting his stare linger on me, just to be sure before turning back to the wheel.

Quickly, my body is pressed against my seat, my shoulders leveling out at the heaviness of gravity weighing me down. We have shot far out into the expansive space, jumping through different star systems, putting more distance between us and the Death Star than I could possibly fathom. 

A breath is finally released from my throat once the pressure is lifted, my chest bobbing up and down as I get caught up with my normal heart rate. I unbuckle, sitting upright to peer out the window, catching the Commander out of the corner of my eye doing the same, flicking a few different buttons as he relaxes a bit more. I yawn so powerfully that my eyes well with tears, rubbing them away as I notice the comm device up above, and the wires connected to the panel swaying gently back and forth. I recall pulling out that damned wire as I embarked on my journey to Hoth, not wishing to make contact with the control center back on base, not wishing to speak to Commander Ren after how horribly hurt I was because of him—a stupid,  _ stupid  _ call on my part.

“I do not mind going back to switch ships.” He says as he cuts through my thoughts, leading me back into the present. I turn to him as I press my lips together, softening my eyes. I admire how sweet he was capable of being with me; observing the look on his face while sensing his intentions gave away that he meant nothing but the truth. I shake my head slowly.

“I only need to distract myself.” I breathe out with a hint of a smile, trying to sell my self-assuredness as best I could to ease his worry. I lean into the arm rest of my chair, that long strip of hair sliding across my face to block the vision in my left eye. He nods, his head cocking to the side ever so slightly as he peers deep into me, surveying my thoughts, reliving my pain. He holds this stare for a moment, I oblige easily, feeling how tired I have grown, letting myself enjoy how good it felt to be able to  _ gaze  _ upon him.

I can feel that he has grown somber, the deeper he delves into my mind, wishing to have never caused me a single ounce of grief within my days of living. I sense he wanted to do right by it, correcting his prior ways somehow. 

“Lie back for me.”

I sit motionless in my seat, waiting for some kind of better instruction. Blinking a few times, I notice his expression is mostly blank, only peppering in some kind of mournfulness amongst his sturdy features. My lips part as I swipe my tongue over them, choosing to do as he says and lying further back into my seat. I get comfortable, neatly folding my hands over one another on my lower stomach.

“Close your eyes.”

I soften my expression, letting my eyes fall shut, unsure of where he was planning on taking this. I can feel my heart rate speeding up with anticipation, not hearing any further instructions coming from him. I grow a bit restless and curious about the situation, waiting for his next move, what it would be,  _ how  _ it would be as it was coming from someone like him. Just as I feel I couldn’t take the silence, only the blinking of each individual control button whizzing and buzzing every few seconds, I feel his bare fingers skim my browline, his palm opening to be placed across my forehead. I startle as I initially feel his touch, my heart fluttering a bit by this kind of contact.

I then feel it, as he transfers his inner tranquility to me. It flows out of him similar to how the wind knocks leaves off of trees that take their time as they wisp down to the ground below; streaming between us and lightly touching down onto me, seeping into my body so delicately. Very quickly, I feel my heart rate die down, I feel my ramped up nerves beginning to cool off by his simple touch. He easily blocks out the awful memories I had from not long ago on his shuttle, as he places his presence directly in the way of reaching them, using himself as a barrier.

I sink deeper into my chair, only the sound of him clearing his throat alerts me to where I was and what he was doing for me. Just  _ barely,  _ can I make out his apprehension, unsure if this was what I wanted, what I was hoping for.

“Is this alright?” He asks, doubtful of himself and his capabilities. He had caught on to what I was apprehending, right as he had told me to lie back in my seat, surely feeling every last butterfly that had circled around in the lowest parts of my abdomen. If I hadn’t been so deeply entranced by the absolute splendor he was sending through me, I would have provided him with a much better response to such a situation, maybe understanding better that he had grown flustered as he had read my thoughts, picking up on what I had only  _ assumed  _ he was planning on doing for me to help distract me.

“ _ Yes _ .” I barely make out, feeling the muscles in my neck grow slack as I roll my head to the side. I hear his deep chuckle, his arm readjusting as I only assumed he had sat back in his seat. I hum out a content breath, feeling his thumb trace over the same spot on my skin, his own pattern he had created. 

I couldn’t say how much time had passed us by, remaining in this position during our flight to Takodana. A few times he had asked questions about my knowledge of Takodana, or if there was a certain genus of a plant I was hoping to come across during our time spent on the planet. Quickly, he took notice of my short-ended replies, keeping the rest of his questions to himself. He kindly let me bask in my newly furnished mind, devoid of anything that could cause me any unease. The rest of the journey was spent like this, quiet, peaceful, while I roamed over the soft, cushioned hills he provided me within my mind. 

His large hand carefully swipes off of my forehead, the stream of goodness gently fading away, only to leave me in a calmed, untroubled state. Lifting my head, I watch as he extends his arm to the wheel, observing as he maneuvers it around with one hand, rather skillfully, like it wasn’t as impressive as I had witnessed.

“Feeling better now?” He asks smoothly, his eyes set on landing the shuttle, as I had just then realized was the reason for the absence of his touch, one I was becoming quite used to. His mere concentration on touching the shuttle down onto the planet below rekindled those butterflies from earlier, raising the heat in the space between my neck and collar much higher than I was prepared for, struggling to brush it off. “Much, thank you.” I tell him, humming out and long and breathy sigh, content with where he had placed my mind. Overall, I felt perfectly light and airy, no longer poked and prodded by the sharpened edges of my mind, where all of my anxieties and worries were held.

I catch him grinning, nodding to himself as he continues his focus far out beyond the windshield. The shuttle passes through layers and layers of fog, revealing fields and forests of trees, rolling hills and towering mountains of green, sectioned off and parted by streams that grew larger and larger before they connected to bounding lakes. Such a view quickly stole my breath away, dedicating so much of my efforts to taking everything in as we lowered closer and closer to the surface of the planet. 

The Commander then jerks his head to the side, prodding into my mind, similar to a quick nudge. I took a deep breath out, as he had noticed I unintentionally locked it away within my throat. I had forgotten about that, how he could sense when and when not I was breathing. I wondered if I could ever sense him as meticulously and as thoroughly as he could with myself. It was strange, someone I didn’t know all  _ too  _ well, but have grown together on a more personal level, was also someone who knew me  _ almost  _ as well as I knew myself. Strange, but I welcomed it.

The two of us sit in a comfortable silence as we continue our descent, eventually landing amongst different trees within one of the many stretching forest systems. Intentionally tucked away, the shuttle was no longer visible to those above, or those within the smaller towns on the planet. I stretch my arms, letting my shoulder blades pull further apart from one another as I release a quiet, but hidden yawn. The Commander’s trance I had fallen under successfully silenced my clangorous mind, but it didn’t lull me to sleep, nor had it supplied me with any more energy I could have surely used at this time.

We rise from our seats, the Commander leading the way out of the cockpit right as I pick up on his thoughts, trailing to the small sized armory room hidden away within one of the hallways. Immediately upon exiting, we are greeted by my rolling marble of a droid, pleased to see both of us in a good mood. “Hello my friend.” I greet him, stepping to the Commander’s side in the hall, peering down at the droid. I hadn’t informed Ren of the droid’s presence throughout the shuttle, I had only assumed he had picked it up from my mind as I had entered.

There is a short pause between him and BB-9, the droid’s tiny head rolled far backward to gaze up at such a tall human. “Good to see you again.” He tells the droid in a voice that wasn’t meant for anyone I could pinpoint. It wasn’t clipped in the kind of fashion dedicated to someone like the General, nor was it kind and caring the way his words were neatly strung together for me. This was a different voice. This was him  _ trying. _ The droid returns the sentiment kindly throughout a string of beeps. 

We both step past him, making our way to the armory room, still able to hear his small, mechanical body rolling across the paneled tiles below. I snicker to myself, hearing him beep to himself, talking quietly about Takodana and a past mission I had brought him on, to a similar planet. I could recall said mission, but not as thoroughly, and with as much delight as he could.

We pass through the doors of the armory room, to which I immediately grab an electro staff, something I have always gravitated towards. Something about a dual-ended weapon satisfied some kind of need within me. It felt better than any staff or sword I have ever wielded—confidence played a big role in the pursuit of becoming a good fighter, as well as actively continuing to be a skilled fighter. Fighting with what you felt best with was the right way to fight, you can’t fake confidence too effectively on the battlefield.

I lazily eye one of the blasters on the wall, recalling the time Commander Ren had yanked the weapon from my belt in a fit of anger, slinging it across the dry and dusty terrain of Tatooine, right before we had gotten into one of our biggest fights. I look over to him and wait for his timely response, knowing he is picking up and hanging on to every thought that popped into my mind.

“You are far more skilled than those who rank accordingly to use a blaster.” He says simply, his voice low and self assured. I nod, believing him, picking up his thoughts and keeping them as my own to think back on. He didn’t only believe this because of my knowledge of the force, able to crush the windpipe of any passerby I cared to, but because I was a good enough fighter to be able to settle my means of combat through a simple hand-to-hand fight. He deemed blasters for those who couldn’t protect themselves on their own… or sometimes on the occasion where the enemy was too far for those who weren’t versed within the force’s ways.

BB-9 rolls around the armory room, whirring his fans louder as he falls in awe of the fully stocked walls, his beeps piercing through the moment Commander Ren and I had shared. I flash him a quick grin, turning over to observe the droid, so interested in all of the weaponry lining the walls of the room.

“Would you find it too dim or lifeless to be tasked with watching over the shuttle, as well as this room, in our absence?” The Commander calls out to the droid, who’s attention snaps back to him at the very chance of proving himself and his endless dedication to me. 

“Not dim, never dim. Excited. Honored.” He hastily beeps directly before our boots, more than willing to abide by the Commander’s instruction, not exhibiting any signs of apprehension, nor doubt toward separating himself from me.

The Commander simply nods at the droid’s impenetrable devotion, turning to me and motioning to exit the room by the subtle and kind placement of his hand against the middle of my backside.

I feel somewhat guilty leaving him behind, a tiny, rolling, droid-like piece of myself. The last time I left him on this shuttle, he had grown too worrisome of my absence, leading him to plunge into the blanketed snow mounds until his mechanical body gave out. He had been so overwhelmed, unsure if I was alive or not, he wasn’t able to rationally think before acting on his impulses, all for me. I take it that having someone such as Commander Ren, supplying BB-9 with such a task, would likely be an honor to him to see it through to completion. It was understandable as he was looked up to, or feared, by many within the galaxy.  _ Especially  _ my droid.

“He only wants to make you proud, that is very clear.” Commander Ren airs beside me, purposefully rubbing his arm against my shoulder, similar to how we would when we were slaving away over the many files within my office, hours ago. I grimace, looking down at my boots as we enter the main area of the shuttle, giving him a reluctant nod, knowing he was right.

“You don’t have to worry about it, or anything for that matter. Not today.” He adds on, his gloved hand reaching out to grab the famous, long strand of hair that framed the left side of my face. He twirls it amongst his leather-wrapped fingers, very similarly to how I have always done, purposely or absentmindedly. I feel myself stir up a glowing warmth within the pit of my stomach, growing outward as he continues on. 

This was something he had picked up on, something he knew calmed me down. It was very clear that the extent of his affection wasn’t too far, seemingly not learning much from either of his parents as a child, nor from the Supreme Leader once he was taken under his wing. 

This wasn’t anything he was used to, nothing he had ever practiced or experienced on his own. He was learning this kind of disposition from  _ me,  _ gaining the little quips of my own nature, making them his own. Learning how to be affectionate in times where it could be called for. This alone, was just about the absolute  _ sweetest _ discovery I could have ever made concerning someone else. It meant more to me than I think he understood, more than he could comprehend, possibly.

We hold each other’s gaze, the pressure within the room hissing and whining as it lowers, causing me to flinch before him. The corners of his mouth turn inward, just as the pale, yellow light from outside shines onto the side of his face.

He tucks the strand of hair behind my ear, keeping his eyes trained on me as I peer out the exit to see the layout of the planet. I make out many tall trees surrounding the shuttle, the ray of light peeking through an opening within the clusters of leaves. I turn back to him to watch as he hangs his cape on the wall, meeting my eyes once more as he makes his way toward the ramp. I followed in pursuit, moving closer to his side for our arms to once again, brushing up against each other, a habit between us I suppose he had learned all on his own.

Declining down the ramp, the forest opens up to the two of us. It was particularly quiet, only hearing the warm breezes rustling through the trees and swiping through each leaf, or the Commander’s broad breaths when I chose to listen carefully enough. Mid-afternoon, it felt like. The warm sun above was on its descent downward for the day, gleaming through the trees and casting shadows of every branch and stem. The earth is soft, pliable and springy as our boots press into it. The air is still clean, but thick like a summer day. When I take a deep breath in, I can feel it coiling up in my lungs while warming me inside and out. 

We began our comfortably silent walk, not assuming there was any specific destination up ahead or us, as the Commander’s thoughts weren’t projecting so. All I had found on the surface was his genuine enjoyment of his surroundings, while accompanied by me. I can feel the extra warmth he provides me, beaming off of him similar to the sun’s rays.

“You’re quite good at that.” He mentions out into the open space, the silence clouding his voice a bit. I step closer to his side as I feel a blush spread across my cheeks and nose, my shoulder skimming his bicep. No need for clarification between us, as I can feel his mind skimming over his intent, highlighting how much I have progressed in not only reading his thoughts, but picking up and distinguishing his different emotions.

“You sure have given me a lot to practice with.” I quip back, earning the sudden change within him once again, resonating with my response. The constant buzz between us for the last few days has been so enjoyable, I don’t think I want to go without it ever again. This time he stays silent, but his emotions speak louder than I assume he had the power to within that moment, pleased with my response. My ears settle on the dainty sounds around us, the softened dirt below separating as we stomp on it, different leaves of all shapes and sizes sliding against the material of my pants, the Commander’s uniform brushing against mine with each step. 

There is a new feeling that bubbles up from within him, just as I hear the leathery scrunches of his gloves, tensing, then releasing over and over again. I take the bait, feeling as if we were close enough to get personal.

“What’s on your mind?” I ask him simply, keeping my voice soft and calm. Those new feelings within him grow legs and stand a bit taller once I have singled them out, his gloved hands releasing once more. 

“Is this… what you want?” He asks, as composed as he could possibly manage. I frown, keeping my gaze forward, eyeing the dirt path through the forest. So many soaring trees surrounding us, it was hard to feel truly alone with him, even though I knew we were, undoubtedly.

“Do I wish to walk around this forest, you mean?” I clarify, quickly feeling those new emotions coming from him grow more incessant. They were guilting him, plaguing his mind with information that was too much to handle all at once. He doubted himself.

A thin veil of mist falls over us, rather unexpectedly as our pace slows down somewhat. He looks up to the tops of the trees as I watch him do so, the sun’s rays illuminaiting the tiny specks of water as they fall. I observe the sheen of water that covers his nose and cheeks, I lick my lips as the tips collect water, noticing his internal and external struggle.

“Do you wish to walk around this forest… with me.” He refines as more of a statement, still looking ahead of us. I choose to stop in our tracks, placing my hand out in front of him for him to notice as well. He does, his head finally swivelling to me for our eyes to meet. His jaw is clenched tight, his browline sturdier than it usually was while in my company. I wish to frown in a similar fashion, but I do not want to worry him anymore than he had already grown, all on his own. I make sure to soften my face before supplying him with my response.

“Where is this coming from?” I request, my own insides beginning to curl inward into a tight ball. His eyes only search between both of mine, flickering back and forth as I feel his mind play through possible answers. He cannot find the right one.

Sighing, I quip in, “Of course I want to be here with you.” My wording is well composed, strong and self assured. I have no doubt in my response, because I truly don’t doubt it for a second. I can physically feel my words quell his worry a bit, but he is still fighting off the amount that lingers. My eyes focus on him even more, my own mind adopting similar thinking patterns as he has. “Do you not wish to be here—with me? Is this too much?” The words flow from my mouth like a faucet, truly, the connection from my thoughts to my ability to speak having taken complete control over my body.

He browline thickens, sturdier than before, giving me his response almost immediately. “No, no.” He stammers, the light misting above us has turned into formed droplets of water, falling here and there around us. I see him sigh, rolling his lips over one another as he gives attempts of possible rebuttals, falling short. He is growing tired of this, getting angry at himself, unable to will himself to tell me whatever was causing him this much trouble.

There are two parts to this—I can feel he is happy with me, here, by his side, but there is more to it. It is strong within him, causing his knees to buckle at the sight of me. It had to do with something  _ about  _ me, how he feels.

I can feel the air around me growing a bit cooler, from the light rain, or from my sudden ramp up of nerves. The rain falls onto leaves around us with a  _ plop _ , bending the stems down. This conversation felt odd, a chance to become nervous for… I still couldn’t decipher what.

Droplets of water fall directly onto my forehead, rolling down the side of my face, dripping into the space between my collar and neck. I feel the top of my head becoming more damp the longer we stand in place. I sigh. “Alright, it’s alright. You don’t have to talk about it right this second.” I lay out for him sweetly, earning somewhat of a relieved glance, his eyes flickering up to the growing rain from above. Those plump lips of his soften up as he settles his gaze upon me, breathing out a shaky breath before choosing to speak. 

“I wish I could say it—I  _ want  _ to say it.” He gripes, his eyes narrowed in on me. Silently, they validate his words, telling me that he truly does want to fill me in on these worries of his. He simply does not have what it takes to vocalize them to me, at least for now.

I press my lips together, observing the beads of water hanging on to the tips of his dampened hair, which has grown fluffy due to the humidity, as well as mine. I step in closer to him, only an inch or two kept between our chests. I can feel an idea forming in my mind, thinking of supplying him with  _ something _ to take the edge off, freeing him from whatever riddled his sanity so abruptly. I place an opened hand on his right bicep, forming my fingers around him and giving him a friendly squeeze.

“If it is any constellation, nobody has ever offered to take me somewhere—in this way. I am glad you are the first one to.” I suck in my cheeks, unable to look at him as I mention the second part, a deep blush settling over my cheeks. “I am completely in adoration of you.”

I finally look at him, finding a new stare overcoming his features. His eyes deadset, his lips parted, body frozen in front of me. Abruptly, the rain from above turns beastily, beginning to downpour directly onto both him and I, like it were something biblical. I rub my eyes, slinging the strands of hair out of my face as I attempt to get a good look at him, amongst the sudden torrential rain. 

He has not moved a muscle, totally unphased by the sudden violent change of weather. I quickly figured out that  _ I  _ am the one responsible for getting us out of this storm, as he was no longer on the same plane as I. Did he even know it was raining to begin with?

“Commander?” I yell against the sound of the rain beating down on every leaf around us, colliding into the dirt beneath our boots. His eyes flicker a bit, but still hold mine without retreating anywhere else. His lips twitch at the mention of his name, I squeeze his bicep a bit harder as I shake his arm, but to no avail. I laugh, shaking my head as I look around us, water dribbling into my eyes as I squint and force myself to rub them away with the sopping wet material of my shirt sleeve.

I slide my hand down his bicep, lacing my fingers through his as I grip his stiffened hand tightly. I make our way further into the forest, the shell of a man behind me following along as if he were sleepwalking, completely dazed, still staring at me in some state of shock. I speed up my pace, the rain having grown cold as it pummels us both. At some point we begin to run, leading him through different shrubs and bushes, until I take notice of a hollowed out tree, just  _ barely  _ tall enough for him.

I manage to place him inside, his gaze finally tearing away from me as he notices where we are, the subtle furrow of his brow as he comes to terms with everything. Damn, what I said had taken  _ that  _ long to sink in? I stuff myself inside the tree, my chest sliding against his and pressing up into him within the confined space. I take a moment, observing the sheets of water that topple over the different plants within the forest, the wind carrying the rain in every which way.

Hastily, I turn to the Commander, his hair completely soaked, his uniform and cape  _ dripping  _ with water as he seems to be stepping out of whatever state he had fallen into. His tall frame was hunched over a bit, his neck bent down, consequently closer to my face. I sigh as I bite back the urge to giggle, my shivering hands push the wet hair out of his eyes, his ears more noticeable now as his hair is flattened against his face. They perk outward more than most people’s do, always hidden behind those raven waves. My heart burns at the sight.

The back of my hand skims his cheek, sharp and  _ cold  _ to the touch, attempting to dry his skin. I grimace, molding my body even closer to his, straightening out my frame for the top of my head to rest underneath his chin. I shiver upon him, a chill racing down my spine. The hand I’ve kept on the side of his face is now covered by his own hand, bringing it down to his chest as his fingers are then wound around my own. I break away from his chest to peer up at him, in less of a shock than he was earlier. I grin, his own grin following in line after my own. His head leans even further down to me, our foreheads meeting, the bridges of our noses touching ever so slightly.

I close my eyes as I see he has done the same, while the sudden rain lets up shortly after. Just like that, the forest is silent once more, the sun coming out from its hiding spot behind the thickened clouds. I peel away from him, our eyes holding one another. I can sense his mind is much more calmed now, after needing a few minutes to reboot after what I had confessed to him, right before the downpour. I give his hand a squeeze before letting go, grabbing either side of the tree and stepping back out into the forest.

Different insects are displayed on rocks and leaves around us as they have come out from hiding, birds singing once again as they step out from the thickest tufts of leaves amongst the trees. Now I only hear the tiny taps and pats of water, dripping off of the trees above and onto the plants below. I sigh, feeling the warmth of the sun beginning to radiate onto the two of us, the Commander stepping out from the inside of the tree and into the light.

“That was quite the downpour.” I comment, looking around at everything that had been drenched. I hear him chuckle lightly, something so small it would have gone unnoticed while trapped behind his vocoder. “This is common for a planet such as th-” He is quickly cut off by his own misplacement of footing, stepping out further and slipping upon the once softened dirt that had turned into a thick, muddy paste. He lands to his knees, his arms outright and balancing himself steady. 

I freeze, watching from behind a few feet away, as he attempts to lift and rise to one knee. He is successful in doing so, flashing me an uneasy grin. I open my mouth to offer my help, but I feel the emotions within him whirring quickly, hoping to prove he could accomplish on his own. I knew he felt my inclination to help. He himself, the Commander of the First Order. He knew he could get out of this on his own; I kept my lips sealed.

That second leg of his attempts to gather himself to both feet, to which he thought he would be able to stand tall. Instead, his first leg slides out from beneath him, his second leg following in pursuit as he lands flat on his backside. My hand immediately slaps over my mouth, hiding any kind of amusement or shock from him, as he simply stares up at the tops of the trees in the sky. I hear him release a sigh, finally looking over at me. Not angered, not embarrassed, but something else I couldn’t quite place my finger on.

“You can laugh.” He admits lightheartedly. This is enough for me to unzip my hand from my mouth, the corners of my lips pulling into a fat grin. I shake my head, only giggling softly at the situation. 

Carefully, I step forward, extending my hand. “In a way, this could be penance for the time you made me trip and fall on that treadmill.” I say so smoothly, I button up my lips together immediately after speaking. His eyebrow cocks upward, a wave of playfulness transferring from him to me. It makes my knees weak, the apex of my body buzzing at such an alluring stare. I take in a lengthy breath as I understand the weight of what I had just said. 

He hums to himself, teasingly, his voice dropping low and tantalized. “You think so?”

I nod, pressing my lips together, attempting to fight off the urge to continue. I cannot resist. “I like to tell myself that, at the very least.” I let out, sealing my lips shut with another grin, before I could dig myself into too deep of a hole with him. I feel my insides burn as I watch a sinister glare overcome his features, his eyes darkening to match the color of the mud he laid in.

I form my lips together even  _ tighter,  _ wiggling my fingers on my extended hand, waiting for him to accept my offer to help him. His grin grows wider, almost into a full smile, as he lifts his head up from the mud, sliding a leg up and bending his knee as he reaches out for my hand.

I don’t truly know what I was thinking, as I offered him my help. As if someone like myself, could lift someone like him out of the mud. His fingers slide across my palm, clasping our hands together tightly, one could say I could never get out of such a grasp on my own, unless he were to let up. My heart skips a beat as I see a flash of something else within his eyes, that grin of his having grown so deep, his teeth were nearly gleaming through his full lips. 

Keeping his body planted where he lied, he purposefully jerks his arm backward, reeling my body forward to fall directly beside him. I yelp as I land, squishing down into the cold mud. The left side of my cheek is covered in it, my entire front side of my uniform is caked with it. I slowly turn to his side and gaze upon him, fire in his eyes as he is now gleaming a smile at me as he leans in, shamelessly.

“Let this be your long deserved reprimand that I never dished out.” He coos in my ear, utterly graceful with his wording as it rolls off of his tongue effortlessly. I grimace, rolling my eyes as I nimbly shove him away, nothing beyond a playful manner. He slides deeper into the mud, ignoring my distancing to nudge himself closer. 

“Out of all my uniforms—you must think you’re quite the comic. How could we ever defend ourselves, like this?” I laugh, my arms entangling with his as we fight around, him trying to pull and sink me deeper into the mud alongside of him, myself squirming away from him as best as I could. My stomach aches as I continue to laugh, the creases of my eyes squinting as I laugh harder.

“We’d survive, they’d pass us by, assuming we’re just some Blurrgs in the mud.” He chuckles, nudging me harder than before for me to fall onto my back. His body merely drapes over the left side of mine, enthused by this game we were playing. I groan as I feel the mud cover my neck, as well as the backside of my head. His face is held inches away from mine, until I use what is left of my strength, that isn’t already dedicated toward laughing, to pushing him off of me and onto his back.

He slaps down into the mud, quickly enough for me to then hover over him. Our arms are still fighting together sportively, hands grasping at one another despite how much we slipped around in the mud. His chuckles have turned into full laughs, strong and hearty as they ring out through the forest. My body slows as I relish the sound of him, my being feeling physically lighter and more airy as I understand I am witnessing a true miracle, something I wished I could hear much more often.

His hands slow with mine, letting me place one in the mud while the other rests on his chest, leaning into him. His hands, now free, maneuver to my thighs, merely  _ ghosting  _ over them, as if he were afraid to impose or overstep. We catch our breath, our faces once again only a few inches apart as I have settled myself with one leg between both of us. 

I can then feel it, the force, always there in the background, but intruding now more than usual. It swells in my chest, it burns in the pit of my stomach. It wants to pull me down closer to him, linking me closer, winding me tighter. The pull is so strong, it's relentless in its efforts to guide us toward one another. I sense he feels it as well, the apples of his cheeks reddening, his lips blooming outward as they purse together. 

My breath hitches in my throat as his tongue only darts across his bottom lip, explaining to me what this was doing to him, that I wasn’t alone in all of this—in anything, really. Daringly, I lean forward, watching his eyes shut in response, apprehending something. I simply nudge my nose against his, grinning to myself as I pull back to him opening his eyes. He huffs a relieved breath, as if his adrenaline had just been driven through the roof, gifting him with the decline just as our eyes meet. I rise, sitting up on half of his lap, smacking down a muddied hand to his chest, patting lightly.

“We’ll develop a cold if we continue on like the Blurrgs we are.” I tell him, swinging a leg off of him and tumbling back into the hole beside him. He nods and chuckles some more, sitting up and rolling over to his knees as I have. We crawl onward, as it is too difficult to continue our attempts at walking. I slide to my stomach here and there as I lose my balance, mud caking onto my chin and cheeks. His strong, yet slippery and muddy hands snake around my waist to help me back to my hands and knees. My fingers have grown almost numb as they continuously plunge deep into the mud, making our way through as best as we could.

“Look.” Ren points, his arm extending directly in front of my line of vision. He points to a creek, considerably wide as it was lengthy. It is nestled amongst different trees, almost having gone unnoticed by me if I had kept my eyes on the mud below us. “We could clean off there.”

I nod, following his lead as we trudge our hands and feet through the mud. We approached the creek, to my dismay, it seemed much deeper than I had anticipated from afar. I rise to my knees as he scoots himself to the edge. I swallow the lump in my throat, eyeing the calm, darkened water as he dips his legs in one by one. I sit on the edge as he plunges in, sinking down, well below the surface level. 

He takes his sweet time while underwater, enough time to warrant me a great deal of worry. Just before my nerves could get the best of me, his body pops up to the surface once more, taking in a big breath of air, positioning his hair out of his eyes as he rubs his face.

“Are you joining me?” He asks, wadding in the water. A man of his stature, and he was able to dive down below, well out of my sights to the darkness below. I gulp, searching around the water for possible creatures that could live beyond the surface. I suppress a shudder, thinking of a large water monster resurfacing and taking a large chomp out of my Commander.

“I suppose.” I say, gulping down as much unease as I could manage to. I place both hands on either side of me, dipping a leg into the water. It is warm, it feels good as I watch the mud slide off of my clothes, making the water ever darker. It seems like he notices my apprehension, swimming closer to the edge I sat upon.

“The water is nice.” He tells me, testing out my confidence of getting in alongside of him. I nod. “Mhm.” I tell him, still eyeing the water as I carefully dip my second leg in. Now, most of the mud is off of him, while I sat, damp, despite how warm the sun's rays were above the trees.

He swims even closer, right before my knees, his chin creating ripples in the water as his arms circle around him, such an odd concept. “Do you… know how?” He puts it lightly, very obviously not trying to embarrass me by any means. I shake my head, sighing. “I do not.”

He nods, swimming off to the side up against the edge, where the brush met the water. “It’s shallow over here.” He says, motioning off to the side. I nod as well, seeing the spot he had mentioned and maneuvering myself along the edge of the water. He makes his way to the ledge as well, placing a hand to the side of me as he stands. Now, the water is just below his belt line, his uniform looking heavy as it surely weighs down on him.

I bite my lip, tired of my constant uncertainty of the water. As both legs are in, I drop the rest of my body into the water. The Commander is watchful over me, keeping right by my side. The water stops at the halfway point of my body, letting my hands drift at my sides as well. Ren sinks deeper into the water, his hands placed outward and ready for if I needed him.

I begin to rub off all of the mud caked over my uniform, it drifts off relatively easy as I carefully dip my body further into the water. I dunk my head under, no longer than needed, coming up for air to find him still watching over me. The water ripples around us, quiet and peaceful. I am at a general unease, never having been a big fan of deep water.

“Let me teach you.” He suggests sweetly by my side. I just about melted as one with the water, The Commander’s voice having been nothing but kind to me this whole trip, as well as filing away paperwork well into the night. I cannot pass up such an opportunity, not when he looks at me with such hope gleaming in his eyes, his hair limp and beading water across his face, his ears peeking out behind those strands of hair. A sight I wish I could take a mental snapshot of, saving it forever. 

I nod, rubbing my lips together as I think of all that could go wrong. I was never properly taught how to swim, nor did it ever come up in my training within the Order. It wasn’t something holding too much importance, but I also didn’t hear of many  _ gloating  _ over the fact that they knew how to swim. He peels off his gloves, quickly slinging them to the side of the bank. He finds my hands within the water, clasping mine within his own.

“Just kick your feet, one leg at a time.” He instructs as he leads me further into the water, his chest floating against mine. The act of freely floating on my own, holding hands with the Commander, is a lot to understand. It felt odd not to stand upright, I couldn’t see how others did this. I struggle as I kick—it feels unnatural, I feel like this is a waste of time, although, I am unsure of what else we could be doing at this time.

“One after the other, see?” He moves to swim alongside me to demonstrate, I see what he means, but it is still difficult. Now only holding on to one of my hands, he stops for a moment, grabbing one of my legs and moving it around in the particular motion he was mentioning. This feels a bit easier, right, I’d even say. My legs fall into a pattern, I even notice I can move myself through the water on my own, as his hand is very lightly grasping only one of mine.

“You can circle your hands like this, too.” He adds, showing me how to wade in the water, pushing himself through effortlessly. This aspect is much easier—once combining this movement along with my legs, it doesn’t feel as foreign. I then understand the act of swimming, why people liked it, why some even did it for fun.

“There you go, that’s perfect.” He praises as his voice raises higher in pitch, excited, like music to my ears. His grasp on my hand lightens up even further, to where I have not even noticed he has let go until I have swam a few feet away from him. I can sense how proud of me he is, as well as how fast of a learner he has deemed me. 

I stop my arm and leg motions momentarily, turning over my shoulder to steal a glance at him, sinking down as I have forgotten I was on my own. He lunges forward across the water as I struggle, I can see the panic on his face as I grapple with the capability of keeping my head above water. He hooks a hasty arm around me as he pulls me upward. I laugh, rubbing my face as I had only gone under for a quick moment before he came to the rescue.

Somehow, impressively, he slings me around to his back, my legs wrapping around his hips, the material of my clothing rubbing against his. One of his hands sits up on my thigh, keeping me in place upon his backside. “Hold on tight.” He announces, hearing the water make its way into his mouth a bit. I securely wrap my forearms around his neck, giving him room to breathe, of course.

He pushes off on whatever solid ground beneath him, swimming fluently and as skillfully as I can imagine it being done, as I had never seen the maneuver executed by any other. I feel his back muscles expand and contract against my chest, his shoulder blades rising and falling with each stroke he took amongst the water, waves rippling past us on both sides. He dives under momentarily, giving me enough time to hold my breath. 

I close my eyes, only for a short amount of time until we have resurfaced, the warm air drying my face almost instantly. I laugh as I suck in the air, tightening my arms and legs around him, hugging him close. He swivels his head to attempt to steal a glance from me, I entertain the opportunity to nestle my face against his, to which he leans into gratefully.

We continue on for a while, plastered onto his widened back, his broad shoulders continuing to leave me dumbfounded each time his lengthy arms expand out to push through waves of water. I couldn’t get enough of this,  _ fun _ , I guess you would refer to it as. No obligations, no meetings. No duties in our sights, at least not for today. Swimming through the water without a care in either of our minds. It felt natural, it felt right and well deserved from both ends.

“Who taught you the ways of swimming?” I ask, wiping my eyes and mouth clear of the water he had accidentally splashed onto my face.

“My father.” He states simply, motioning his arms through the water as if they were wind turbines. I give him a subtle, “Hmm.” Afraid of asking too many questions.

A few moments pass us by, he indulges me some more.

“I was fairly young when I learned, he was a great swimmer… thought it would be a good survival skill to have under my belt.”

I stare off, out to distant hanging vines that dangled from trees, brushing against the floor. My teeth gnaw on the inside of my cheek, wondering how difficult it was to speak about his father. 

“That is a  _ great _ survival skill, which I now know.” I tell him, hoping to make the situation a bit lighter. My fingers graze the exposed skin of his neck; I think about my own father and how difficult it is for me to bring him up, within the varying situations I’ve ever had to. It is not easy, it is not ideal. I get it. Ren’s hands skim my arms wrapped around his neck, giving them a sympathetic squeeze. He gets it too.

Eventually, he swims both of us away from the deeper end and into the more shallow part off to the side, the water settling at his shoulders. I hop off of his backside, letting my arms trail off of his biceps to stand wherever he was. Instead, I sink down below the water once again, just as I had tried making my way over to his front side. 

I quickly feel both hands on either sides of my torso; he pulls me up from the water, releasing a non-agitated groan. “It’s too deep for you here,  _ careful,  _ Commandant _.”  _ He scolds, devoid of any anger as he shoots me a stern look. I nod, blinking my eyes free of the droplets that fell into them, coughing a bit as I had swallowed a small amount of the murky creek water. Now I notice how weighed down I feel by my clothing, grasping onto the soaking fabric of his shoulders as best I could.

I watch as he smirks, his large hands sliding further down my torso and past my waist. They  _ barely  _ skim my ass as he links his arms to the bend of my legs, focusing them on my thighs. I can then easily place my forearms on his chest, no longer having to struggle within the water. My legs naturally wrap around his waist as I am so closely pressed up against him. His open palms take in handfuls of my thighs in order to hold on, as justified as it is, I still sense how bashful he feels doing it.

Our eyes met, the feeling between us grows just like it always does,  _ begging  _ us for more,  _ anything  _ at all. I cannot help but enjoy these feelings as we are so closely wound together, the most vulnerable, intimate region of my body pressed against his, through layers of soaking wet clothing within the water. The creek is comfortable, the air is warm, his hold on me is unlike anything I have ever felt from  _ anyone  _ within the galaxy.

My eyes dip down to his lips, lingering on them longer than I wanted to. I feel the pull, I  _ entertain  _ the pull much easier once I sense he has done the same.

“Thank you for teaching me, Commander.” I tell him breathlessly. I cannot help but think about all he has yet to teach me, as my master, within the ways of the force, or not. I feel him shudder against me, excited, or nervous, could have been either or a concoction of both. I lean in the slightest bit, to which he does the same. I position an arm that leaned into his chest, sliding his hair out of his face. This time he is the one to close the gap between us, nudging his nose against mine, just like I had done beforehand.

It certainly wasn’t what I had assumed he was going in for, but it is something I am more than happy to receive, as it was coming from him. We enjoyed the feeling, until I could feel the pang of an idea enter his mind. We break away at the exact same moment, staring at each other, acknowledging that the sun had gone down quite a ways since we had left the shuttle, our window of daylight slowly closing in on us.

Giving each other a nod, I keep my arms wound around his neck, letting my head settle on his shoulder as he swims the two of us back to the shore. He releases me as my backside presses against the bankside, it pains me to have to let go of him, the feeling of his body against mine,  _ moving  _ along with each other, felt better than most pleasures I had experienced in life.

The two of us hoist ourselves out of the water and onto the edge where the earth met the creek, rolling onto our sides to take notices of the mud, which had dried as the sun had come out after the rain. We carefully test it out, avoiding any slips or falls, deeming it worthy enough to be walked upon. 

The walk back to the shuttle is mainly quiet, our boots squeaking with each step, uniforms dripping puddles of water behind us, with little conversation here and there. We walked much slower than we had leaving the shuttle as we had taken a different route, sauntering around together, dare I say. At the start of it, the sun had reached its golden hour of the day, warming and drying us, shining at an angle that illuminated our backsides, lighting up our pathway back to our base. 

Whenever I looked to my right, Ren was highlighted beautifully, as if he wasn’t one of the most feared men out of all of the different star systems. In a way, in this particular lighting, maybe I wasn’t perceived as the killer I truly am. When I did collect his thoughts as he stared down at me, I didn’t seem like such a murderer to him as I had always believed myself to be.

Our arms have continuously brushed against one another the entire walk back, to my surprise, at some point, the Commander’s bare hand encapsulates my own entirely, intertwining our fingers together as our arms link. He pulls me close as we walk on. Although I try, I couldn’t recall a time where I had felt more safe in my entire days of living.

I’ve stopped a few times along the way, noticing the vegetation, pointing out what I knew and what I didn’t know to him. Although he doesn’t recognize too much, he is interested in what I have to fill him in on, listening intently, as if I were filling him in on the most important mission he had yet to ever see through. He chooses his favorite plants, or his favorite flowers. I tell him the names of what I do know, I can sense him tucking away the information I give him, into a safe place within his mind for him to remember, maybe to put to good use sometime in the future. My heart twinges at the thought.

By the time we have made it back to the shuttle, the sun has fully set, having given us quite a show as we observe the different oranges and reds that glinted through the small spaces between the openings of the trees. Every glimpse we took was prettier than the last, as the colors only darkened in saturation the further the sun concluded downward. 

With the force, I opened the shuttle's ramp before he could even think to, sending a pleased grin of satisfaction my way once noticing.

As we enter the shuttle, there is a bit of a pause, as we hear BB-9 rustling around in the cockpit. I lick my lips, awaiting him to vocalize the center point of his mind, holding his loudest, most demanding thoughts and ideas.

“There is a shower system in both rooms down the hall, you can choose whichever you’d like.” He expresses to me kindly, motioning down the hall. “We can eat after, if you’re hungry.” He adds, flinching a bit to himself, I can feel his mind lamenting over why he would ask if I  _ were  _ hungry, knowing we had spent a great amount of time together without the mention of food.

I can’t help but grin at how flustered he becomes, something I wouldn’t put beyond myself of ever doing, as I had done something similar on numerous occasions. Simply, I nod, placing a hand on his outstretched arm, sliding my fingers down the length of it as I follow in the direction pointed. 

“Thank you, I’ll see you soon.” I unintentionally swoon, just as our fingers brush against one another. It didn’t matter that we had held hands on the way back from the creek—his bare skin was still something I was becoming used to, I think he was still wrapping his head around the sentiment as well.

His lips wrinkle and twinge, as his lashes flutter, nodding his head more than he needed to express his understanding of the situation. I leave it at that, letting myself take my time down the hallway, until I had heard him break his gaze from me to beat down the hallway to the cockpit. I pause in the hallway momentarily, hearing BB-9 exit the cockpit and into the other hallway.

“Hello my friend.” I can hear the Commander say to my little droid, my chest knotting up in delight. I hear BB-9’s beeps fill the hallway, asking about how our walk had gone, and how we ended up becoming so drenched and dirty. Ren fills him in on all the latest details as they further themselves down the hall, continuing their chatting. I really have to extend my ability to hear as they put more distance between myself and them.

“How proficient are your cooking skills?” Ren asks, just as the door to the cockpit seals shut behind the two of them, ending my aptness to eavesdropping, if you’d even call it that.

I slink into the room on the left, a well sized room with a bathroom and small refrigerator wedged into the corner. I slump against the wall, exhaling all of the breath from within my lungs. This was  _ bad,  _ the energy surging within my chest, expanding throughout every inch of my body, especially in the most foreign regions. The force, for the love of mankind, cannot always and forever be  _ this _ persistent,  _ this  _ unrelenting. I knew I had it in me to shrug off the urge to viscerally tear Ren apart, absolutely demolishing him in a fit of passion, but who knew how many times I could manage it successfully, without fail. At some point, the burning ache in my chest, in my arms and legs, and the apex of my body, was going to drive me  _ far  _ beyond my limits.

Nauseated, it made me feel, as I stripped from my dirty and dampened clothing, thinking of the invisible force that had created such a spell casted over our heads. I knew a good amount of it was genuine, beside the force’s will. And  _ will _ it did, invariably pulling us, wedging us, colliding us together. This man’s presence in my mind did not  _ ever  _ falter, aside from the time I had to physically remove him, even then, it hadn’t quelled him from my thoughts and feelings entirely.

I step out of my boots, my feet cold and worn down from their entrapment within my wet socks. I take my hair down from its ponytail, crossing the room and into the bathroom.

I wondered how badly this was sitting with him too, as I turned on the faucet to the shower, stepping aside as the blast of water was cold to begin with. I wondered if he was more tolerant of it than I was capable of being, as he seemed to do well, him having been in the jedi academy for some time, then falling under the apprenticeship of our Supreme Leader. I wondered if it was comical to him, to see how badly I wanted him, refraining from doing so just as he did. 

Were we back to that, just like we were at the beginning of all this? Ignoring something? The pull between each other? Now, we had acknowledged these feelings, but when would we acknowledge the  _ ungodly,  _ the  _ unholy  _ amount of sexual tension that spiraled between us at almost all times? 

I step under the water, the jets massaging into my scalp as I remained hard at work while mid thought, thinking away to answers that seemed so far beyond my reach. Forcefully, I washed my face with soap, accidentally stinging my eyes, cursing myself for how paranoid I was becoming, pulling the emotions out of thin air, it seemed.

My mind tricks me into believing different notions, spanning across the  _ entire  _ playing field, testing out each theory as quickly as it chose to pop into my mind. Was all of this useless? Would the Supreme Leader catch on to what we were doing,  _ entertaining  _ the feelings we have for each other? Better yet, would he find out Ren had been teaching me the ways of the force? Was this worth doing, or trying out, if the inevitable was in our sights? 

I physically step away from the water, watching tiny flecks of dirt spiral down the drain. I take a handful of shampoo, ignoring the scents to choose from, only needing to distract my mind from the false notions it was concocting all so quickly without my consent. That is, if they were false to begin with.

I scrub and rake through my long hair, desperately running my fingers into my scalp in an attempt to rid myself from such thoughts, hoping they would snake down the shower drain along with the mud and gunk from the creek. 

I wondered how often Ren thought of these things, ever since we declared to no longer fight the general pull between us, and the endless feelings that followed. A man of such strength would surely control some kind of cap over those emotions, but history told me that those notions were not true, as I looked back on many different interactions with him. As hard as it was to perceive, he was just as messy in all of this as I was—as I have continued to be.

I step back into the spray of water, rinsing the soap from my hair. I reach for a different soap this time, popping off the cap, letting the smell waft into the air, controlling my senses and easing my rampant, worried mind. Smelling of many different kinds of flowers, I rub it into my body, slowing my movements down just as I fought to slow my mind. I work it into a lather, rinsing off the bubbles and watching them pool at my feet.

I wondered how long he would want to try this out, before he wanted to give up on it.

I slam the handle of the shower to the side, turning it off completely. Silence falls over the room, but I cannot stand to bear it, as I know my perpetual thoughts will come flooding in, filling any potential space they could.

I twirl a finger through my hair, wringing it dry as I reach through the door for a towel. It's soft and thick against my body, warming me instantly as I step into the chilled bathroom. I waste no time filling the dead air, humming to myself as I look for a hair dryer, needing some kind of sound to fill the silence. I’d almost opt for BB-9’s company, his beeps surely enough to avert my mind from previous thinking patterns.

Tucked away under the sink is where I find it, hastily plugging it in and starting it to life. I throw my hair over as I bend my head down, running my fingers through the strands in order to heat it up. This takes much less time than I had apprehended, flipping my hair over my shoulder as I stand, I see my it is much more voluminous than usual. I comb through it with my fingers to my liking, then stepping out.

I enter the bedroom, just then hearing the shower turn on from the room opposite to mine, across the hall. My mind relentlessly goes  _ there _ , thinking of  _ him  _ in that kind of setting. Entertaining what he’d look like, what he’d be doing,  _ how  _ he gets things done in the shower. I wonder how similar we are in our own routines, comparing and contrasting little things I knew about him.

“Kriffing—fuck.” I jested, growing more and more frantic, placing my palms over my eyes, pressing my eyes shut tight. I felt like a child, or a teenager, overcome with feelings of infatuation for someone. I can feel my chest warming up, knowing that  _ he  _ knew I had been thinking of him. I roll my bottom lip between my teeth, throwing my hair over my shoulder as I bend over and sift through the drawers beside the bed, finding fresh pairs of uniforms fully stocked. Further down, are more casual clothing, to which I opt for.

I sling on the dark gray pants— you could basically call them black, as the Order had no sense of color whatsoever— as well as the long sleeved black shirt, thin, covering up a good amount of my skin. I can hear the shower shut off just as I pull my hair through the shirt. My stomach sinks, I was nowhere prepared to see him in such a state, not after thinking of him so fondly in the shower, the force seeming to be beckoning us closer and closer with each passing hour.

My fingers attack the button to my pants feverishly, I hadn’t panicked over someone in this way in such a long time. When I came to think of it, the feelings I had obtained for boys in my teens was comical, but nothing like this. It had been  _ years  _ since I had been intimate with anyone, despite the kisses from Kaz or Sola, beside the Commander.

I stop and remember those two for a moment, shaking my head in disbelief, unable to wrap my head from knowing them then, to dressing myself in a frenzy, awaiting the next interaction with the Commander, the gods only knowing what kind of outcome entailed.

I startle as I hear the hair dryer going off in the Commander’s bedroom, signalling to me that we were more alike than I knew, our shower routines somewhat comparative. I dash back into the bathroom, my socks sliding my body much further through the doorframe and into the room than I had calculated. My heart beats something fierce, I have not experienced apprehension such as this. I touch my face, noticing my appearance in the mirror.

I hardly ever wore makeup—did I need to?

No, I really don’t. There is no need to.

I smell nice, I look nice, I am  _ clean. _ That is enough to dine with the Commander. I knew I was overthinking it,  _ all  _ of it, but it was hard to convince myself that nothing was wrong, when my mind traveled much faster than I was prepared for, overanalyzing  _ every  _ detail. 

Similar to how he was doubting himself, just as we had left the shuttle on foot to walk about the forest together, I now was doubting the chance that he wanted  _ me  _ here with him. All the signs pointed me to yes, but somehow, some way, my mind wanted to convince me otherwise.

In light of this way of thinking, the force does it’s job, proof reading through my thoughts and informing me that everything was as it should be. I could believe it, but that only added to the nerves, unfortunately.

I grit my teeth, quietly, but still within my panicked state, speeding out of the bathroom to reach for my boots. Still dirty, where I had left them as I had sloppily kicked them off at the door, mid thought. I sift through the small closet, finding an off-pair of casual boots. Slipping them on, their comfort supplied me with a bit more clarity within my mind. If I couldn’t keep my hands to myself tonight, ultimately embarrassing myself, at least I’d feel  _ comfortable. _

I almost retch as I hear the sound of the hair dryer turning off, my stomach twisting and tying itself into all kinds of impressive knots. Now I couldn’t be bothered to leave the room, as I knew he would pass through those doors any minute now. Was it right for me to leave before he did, or was it best to exit after he already had?

I throw myself down to my bed, sitting on the edge and clasping my hands together over my chest. I close my eyes, forcing myself to breathe at a rate that didn’t register as a heart attack, for once during my time within the room. Desperately, I grasp for clarity, for level-headedness that I needed more than anything. This wasn’t as big of a deal as I had deemed it to be, sizing it up to such heights within my mind.

It's dinner.  _ Dinner.  _ Light conversation, knowing us, casual flirting. We’d turn in for the night after, if anything else happened, it’d be amicable, mutual, all in good  _ fun.  _ To hell with what those above us thought, they didn’t know anything, as we had kept everything so neatly underwraps. I force myself to believe that if the  _ Commander  _ of the First Order felt like it was okay going by the backs of those within the cause we dedicated our lives to, then I should find and adapt to whatever peace of mind he has settled upon.

I hear a tiny knock at the door, my eyes widening to their fullest extent upon noticing. I flatten out my clothing, standing and slinging my hair over my shoulder. I clear my throat as I will the door open with the force, by the extension of my hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!!! I am so very sorry for SUCH a late update, I do not ever want to take any more than TWO weeks to update at a time, but this is a weird and busy time for me right now (online college classes, family, friends, mental health). My life has been kind of all over the place as of late, but I have been working on this chapter for quite some time, wanting this, and the next chapter as perfect as can be. I'm giving y'all this chapter, as well as the next one right now (I'll see you afterwards at the bottom notes of that chapter (; )
> 
> A side note: my mom is doing very well right now, better than the last few months as we are figuring out more and more each week, thank you to those who have given me their kind words, I cannot mention how much that has meant to me.
> 
> I hope you have liked this chapter, and enjoy the next one!! :-))) I hope it soothes the great amount of sexual tension I have put you all through for the whole storyline so far, lololol love you bye.


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *bowm chicka bowm bowm*

There sits, or stands, if you will, BB-9, waiting ever so patiently for me.

“Dinner. Ready.” He beeps happily, wheeling himself into my room, pleased to see me. I force a few blinks at him, still unable to understand it was him, and not the Commander before me.

“Look nice.” The droid chirps from below, circling around my body numerous times. “Smell nice.” He adds, taking me in. I release a shaky breath, thanking him through a flexed jaw while I take another tab at ramping myself down.

“Angry?” He asks.

“No.”

“Mad?”

“No, that’s not—that’s the same thing.” I cringed, pinching the bridge of my nose between my fingers, shutting my eyes. I turn and look at him sympathetically, only wishing to help me, always. I exhale once more, this time, more effectively.

“Thank you for the compliments, I appreciate them. Anger and madness are pretty much the same thing, but, your analytical skills have never been your strong suit, have they?” I tease him, crouching down to his level as he rings out a series of beeps. He goes through the motions, anger, confusion, then understanding, as I had only been somewhat sarcastic with him. He mentions exactly that, how he is still learning what is and isn’t sarcasm. I nod with him kindheartedly, understanding where he was coming from.

“We will continue to work on it, I will not give up on you.” I grinned, smoothening my hand over the top of his head. He beeps and nudges himself further into my palm, causing me to laugh at the sight.

“It must be difficult, for such an intelligent droid to have such a sarcastic master.”

My lips part, swiveling my head to peer through the door. There he stood, towering just before the doorway, freshly showered, his hair puffy and voluminous in the same manner mine was. He still wears his clean, standard uniform, without his saber attached to his side, nor his cape fashioned neatly over his shoulders. He looks calm, poised, ready as ever. I’m in awe, as well as jealousy of him.

I stand to my feet, the droid whizzing past me to stand before the Commander. He agrees with Ren, mentioning how difficult it can be, at times. He is also working on humor, so he can find the lightheartedness that sarcasm can bring, so he’s been told. He also mentions how difficult that can be, as a whole. I’ve noticed the droid’s beeps lower a few octaves in the presence of the Commander, showing off, maybe, or trying to seem more powerful and impenetrable before such a strong man. It made sense, when you gave it some thought.

The droid exits the room and down the hall, talking to himself and reviewing times where I  _ had  _ used sarcasm, using it as an example to learn from, comparing and contrasting while saving them for future scenarios.

“You look nice.” He chimes in, filling the sudden silence between us. I still stand in my room, staring back at him. “It’s really nothing different from my normal attire.” I tell him, growing bashful. “Thank you.” I add, not wanting to skim over his compliment. 

I watch as he steps into my bedroom, his stare still holding me completely. “You look nice whenever I have the pleasure of seeing you—but I feel the need to tell you now since I sense an… unease from you.” He clarifies, looking at my face, my shirt, my pants, even my boots in an attempt to figure me out. “I couldn’t ascertain why you would think that way, I see nothing wrong, frankly, I never do.”

I puff out my cheeks as I exhale, tearing my sights off of him in an attempt to hide my bashfulness. I missed all the times where he was the bashful one, while I stood on the other end. It truly was no fun to sit and stew within this, while the other simply watched.

“My shower was too hot, I suppose. All that steam has clouded my mind.”

He nods, half heartedly believing me, still knowing there was more to it, but letting up. He was a smart man, too smart for me, probably. I wonder how much of what I had thought in the shower has already been picked up by him, or if he was keeping a distance from the deeper thoughts that had been sitting within my mind.

“Hungry?” He asks, changing the subject in the nick of time. He steps in closer for our hands to meet, taking me by surprise even though we had done this not long ago. I wind my fingers within his, giving him a soft smile. “Absolutely.” I hummed, knowing I needed to eat, past the many layers of nerves that squashed my desire for food.

He leads me out of my bedroom and into the hall, we pass through the main entrance and into the mirroring hall across the room. Here lies the small kitchen room, as well as dining room, somewhere I hardly ever went on the Finalizer, also having completely ignored it the time I had taken that solo mission to Hoth. 

Upon entering the small dining room, there is a table with two placements for two people. BB-9 circles the table excitedly as Ren guides me to my seat. A great amount of my nerves are relieved once I see the food, meat, rice and vegetables. Something I usually ate to stay in shape, this happening to smell other worldly, far better than I could make on my own. There’s also two glasses and a bottle of wine on the table, the cork ready to be popped off at any given time. 

I can’t tell why I was ever worried about any of this; Ren seems to fall even more at ease once I have, most definitely having picked up on my apprehension that had developed in the shower. He sits across from me, right as my droid pipes up.

“Chef BB-9.” He exudes with confidence, rolling up beside me. I smile, looking over everything, placing a napkin in my lap as I pull my seat in closer to the table. “This looks great, my little friend. You have really outdone yourself.” I cheer him on, sensing Ren’s satisfaction as he feels the same, speaking up. “Thank you, BB-9.”

The droid stays put in the room, as Ren and I simply trade glance as one another, circling back to the droid. The droid’s vision lays upon us like a hawk, ready to stick by our side for the entirety of the meal.

“Eat hot. Before cold. Margot.” He adds on, as if I had forgotten. I raise my brows, trying to be the least bit sarcastic as I could manage. “Yes, yes. Of course.” I tell him while I pick up my fork, my dining partner following along with me.

“Could you supply us with a hint, as to what lies ahead for dessert?” Ren asks smoothly, more smooth than I could have ever possibly managed. I fear my little droid has short-circuited, the way he stares back at the Commander, totally lifeless. 

“Dessert.” The droid repeats back to him, as the Commander simply nods. The droid beeps to himself, quietly beeping and buzzing, muttering different ideas that had only just managed to pop into his head.

“Return soon. So soon.” He professes, as he whirs through the door and out of the room with a kind of speed I had never seen him execute so skillfully. I place a hand over my mouth, attempting to stifle my laughter as I hear him clanging pots and pans in the room just next door.

The Commander also chuckles as we hear the droid chanting  _ “Dessert. Dessert. Dessert.” _

“You’re very good with him, maybe too good.” I praise, watching as he reaches across the table to grab the wine. He motions the cork off without ever having to touch it, watching it fly across the room as it pops off of the bottle.

“He is nice company, I have found.” 

I nod as he motions my glass, to which I grab to let him pour for me. I thank him, just before he raises his glass to clink against mine. The wine is probably one of the best I’ve had, so much so, that I couldn’t help but keep from projecting my thoughts too loudly across the table to him.

“Chandrilian.” He notes, to which I nod, widening my eyes as it sits with me. A place I had never been before, it made sense as to why it was so delicious.

“You’ve been?” I ask, taking one more sip before setting it down to start on the food. I notice he doesn’t dig in until I have. He nods.

“I have.”

I raise my brow, supplying him with a nod. I do not feel like prying, so I resist the urge to, only wanting to open up the conversation to what he was comfortable with. If he didn’t expand upon anything, I wouldn’t take it any further. Call it being a good table guest.

“That’s where I was born.” He clarifies, having peered into my thoughts that were always on his mind, no need to delve any further to find anything else.

“Oh, I see. That is nice.” I tell him, unsure if it was actually a nice place or not.

“Yes, it is a nice place.” He responded, starting to cut into his food as I have. We tasted the well seasoned meat at the same time, floored that a droid had cooked it  _ this  _ tenderly. We make the same kind of satisfied faces at each other as we enjoy it all the same. “Do you visit often?”

“It’s been quite some time since I have.”

I nod again, I feel it’s all I can do. I had forgotten his upbringing, his lineage, what it all meant. It was a bit stupid to ask if he visits, as there was likely nobody there worth visiting in his eyes. I chime in to steer the subject matter away from him.

“I have memories of where I was born—fond ones, but I do not know from which planet I come from.” I tell him, maintaining to keep away too many somber notes from the conversation. It did make me sad, but there was ultimately nothing I could do. Time had escaped me—it wasn’t like I could really do anything about it. It wasn’t in my data file, nor was it known by anyone else, those who had brought me onto base twenty-something years ago had either expired, died in combat, or were turned away from the Order in some way.

“Would you ever return? If you knew of the planet’s name?” He asks, keeping eye contact with me as he slowly raises his fork, taking a bite of his food. I nod, my fingers gravitating to the stem of my wine glass as I finish chewing my vegetables. “I would like to, very much. Maybe someone there would recognize me—maybe someone could fill me in on the missing pieces I don’t have of my parents.”

He nods as well, jamming his fork into his vegetables. There’s a lot of talking, nodding, chewing between us. There isn’t room for much else, I understand. It felt rather formal, for a meal on his shuttle. I assume this is the first of many, so naturally, it would feel more formal than most meals, especially after eating by myself, or with the droid, for so long.

“You wish to know more about them?”

Surprise. I give him a nod.

“I’d like to know which characteristics I have from both of them. I know I have my softer side from my mother—my anger can come out similar to my fathers, but not of the same magnitude.” I rasp at the last half of the sentence, not wishing to talk about him too much. This was partially untrue, as I knew just how angered I could become, everything flattening out for me to step onto, my surrounding turning red. I liked to tell myself I wasn’t my father—I only have similarities.

I notice the Commander is nearly finished, also pouring himself a second glass of wine. I gulp the rest of mine, moving my glass closer for him to refill.

I chew my food and think of things to ask him, but I cannot approve of anything before checking for errors or mistakes. Nothing passes in my eyes, everything I could come up with possibly too intrusive, too personal, or too painful for him to bring up, I’m afraid. I continue eating as he sips his wine, getting ready for a comfortable silence if neither of us continue the conversation.

A beat.

“Ask what you’d like.” He puts simply, licking his stained red lips. I purse mine, wondering if they were stained purple and red as well. I take notice he is almost finished with his second glass, wondering if there would be a third, or a fourth. I had yet to see him intoxicated, I wondered if it would make things easier between us, or put a damper on everything.

I roll my shoulders and huff out a breath as I swallow my food, selecting one of the many questions I had whirring around my mind.

“Would you-”

“Banana bread. Five minutes.” BB-9 whizzes into the room, cutting off my question. I turn over my shoulder, shooting him a thumbs up. He stands there, analyzing the gesture, unable to decipher its coding, until the Commander speaks up. “Thank you.”

The droid beeps and rolls out of the room, leaving us be. I try again.

“Would you ever go back to visit your home planet?”

He sits for a moment, eyeing his glass of wine. He considers pulling the glass closer, but disregards, to only then regard it and finish off the glass, setting it down gently.

“Maybe someday, when things feel right.”

Nod number 53 from me, checking it off within my mind.

“You would once you feel as if it wouldn’t pain you to take a visit?” I specify, assuming I would feel the exact same way. I can see his jaw flex as he nods. I don’t really like the idea of alcohol as a coping mechanism, enabling us to open up further to one another—as I had used the substance in more wrong ways than I could count—but, I wanted him to feel comfortable. He didn’t feel affected by it yet, so I tried to see the positive effect it could have.

I pour half a glass for him, and half a glass for me. I sigh, bringing the glass to my lips. The smell is deliciously sweet, but its effect on me weighs heavily, as it had been quite some time since my last drink.

“Please, do not feel obligated to keep up with me.” He warns, but not in a way that he was egging me on to actually keep up. He meant it, not only did I sense it, but the way he held his face together told me enough. I nod, as I do, feeling its effects as he has called them out. I set the glass down, slowing myself down.

“I would go back when it felt less painful to do so, yes. I would surely be recognized—today, tomorrow, ten years from now. I don’t know when, I don’t know why or how. But… someday.”

I tip my head forward, acknowledging him. I lick my lips, tasting the wine long after having my last sip. The smell lingers in the air, I cannot say that banana bread sounds especially good right now, especially after knowing it was a tactic used by Ren to get the droid out of the room, obviously not understanding social cues.

I have now finished my food, feeling more than content, but not  _ stuffed _ , as they say. I watch as he relaxes into his seat a bit more, still sitting upright in a polite manner. I follow in pursuit, sensing the question rousing within his mind. His eyebrows raise, sensing me, sensing him as he hovers over the question, not yet revealing it to me.

I sigh, reaching for the glass, taking a sip as I assume I would need it, in preparation to answer his question.

“You’d like a family someday?”

I sputter into my glass, nearly choking on my mouthful of wine. The taste is bitter, I place a hand over my chest as I forcibly swallow it down, coating my throat in all of the wrong ways wine could. I clear my thoat, pressing my eyes closed as I finish the glass. Mainly because I had needed it, also because I needed something to calm my throat, and that was all we had at an arm's length.

“Yes.” I begin, leaving the sentence open ended—my turn to answer a difficult question. I am unsure if I would like to expand upon said question, as it made me uneasy to even  _ think  _ about, although I thought of it often. The topic of building a family of my own, someday, was used as a mechanism to continue me forward, my efforts within the First Order, forward. I wished and yearned for a better childhood of my own, but that part of my life was already closed off, finished. There was still the possibility of creating my own family, with someone else. It seemed so out of my reach, ranking high within the Order making this aspect difficult for someone like me, for someone like  _ Ren. _

Then lied the possibility of never having that to look forward to at all. Letting the Order use my best years, either dumping me off when I have aged, expired, or keeping me at an arm's length until my dying day, whether that be of old age in my lifeless quarters, or out on the battlefield for my cause. It pained me to think about, heightening my heart rate at the dinner table. Never truly belonging to a family of my own. I could grasp the fact of not receiving enough love within my childhood. I was able to learn this in other ways, through my duties, through the friends I made. But, if I wasn’t able to raise my family in a better way than I was—providing  _ many  _ more opportunities than I was presented with—I didn’t see the point of living at all. If the  _ one  _ driving force within my life wasn’t promised at some point in my life, there was no solid reason to continue on.

Entirely too lost in thought, I give up on what I’d like to add, unsure if I could express everything to him, the opportunity soaring past my mind and out of reach after too long.

“Do you remember how old your mother was when she had you?” He asks quietly from across the table, understanding we were getting touchy. My mind feels heavy, I cannot tell if he has sensed all I have thought about, how much this was beginning to dampen my outlook of it every truly happening.

“She was my age.” I stated, sliding the glass closer to me, then deflecting it away. I toy with the idea of pouring myself another glass, only a few swallows left at the bottom of the bottle.

“And your father?”

I can feel my cheeks redden, possibly matching the same shade of red as our wine. I look at him, then to the bottle, then back to him, his eyes softened and a bit drowsy, but nowhere near drunk.

“He was twenty nine.”

He nods, but his lips twitch the slightest bit as he stares back at me, understanding what we had drawn out so dramatically.

We were the exact same age as my parents when they had me. 

I rub my lips together as I hear the droid enter the room, a platter perfectly balanced on the flattened part of his head, carefully wheeling himself to the side of the table, too short to slide it over to us. 

Abruptly, I stand from my seat, pushing my chair out from behind me. I feel the room has grown much hotter than how it was when I first entered. The Commander hurriedly stands to his feet just as I do, sporting a certain look on his face that I wasn’t clear headed enough to decipher—or maybe I was too bashful to look him in the eye long enough to figure it out.

“I should probably-”

“Banana bread.” The droid bubbled beside us as he cuts me off, his mechanical arms jutting out of their respective compartments to place the platter onto the table. The aroma, as well as the heat of the freshly baked bread wafts within the air as it sits before us. I open my mouth to repeat myself, but my droid insists.

“Try. Analyze.” He beeps, hopeful and curious to see how we would like it. I reluctantly eye the loaf of bread. The wine in my stomach, although delicious, had filled me up further than I had ever needed, but not exactly calming my nerves as my mind took a turn down a path I had never apprehended. I exhale, although I want to sigh, glimmering my eyes to the Commander, rather quickly. We both reach for a piece, slowly bringing it to our lips to give it a taste.

Although he had never cooked for me, he had baked quite a few occasions in the past. I knew it was his strong suit, sweets and other delectable pastries. I knew I couldn’t ask of him to make them for me too often, as it would surely weigh me down over time. The loaf of bread is delicious, as I expect it to be, but all too sweet and filling at a time like now, where I would rather lay in bed until my bashfulness, as well as this wine-fever had disappeared. I take a lengthy breath out as I swallow half of it, wanting to appease him.

“I would not say it is your  _ best,  _ but top twenty for sure.” I tell him, popping the other half into my mouth, ready to get it over with.

“Blueberry muffins. Better than? That?” He asks, jittery, awaiting my response as he rolls closer to my boots. I flatten out my shirt of any possible crumbs, shaking my head.

“Nothing could ever beat those, I’m afraid.” I tell him as I finish my piece, absentmindedly looking at the Commander, as he had finished his piece long before I had. BB-9 swivels his head to him, awaiting his highly valued response, no matter what he chose to say. 

“Delicious, the best I’ve had, probably.” He tells the droid in a chipper tone, really trying to convince. My droid is ecstatic, zipping closer to the Commander and giving him his thanks. He lets out a hesitant, forced laugh for the droid, his eyes snapping back to me as he watches me tuck in my chair.

“Next time. Blueberry muffins.” The droid sings, spinning in circles. I now see that Commander Ren could quite possibly be the second most favorite person in my droid’s world, not taking much of a liking to many others the way he has with Ren. He quickly peers down to the droid and nods, giving his attention back to me as soon as he can manage to.

“I should probably head to bed.” I tell them both as I had tried to before, rubbing the back of my neck, feeling the heat of the room only getting to me further.

“I’ll walk you.” They both say in unison, then turning to one another. Well, Ren had said that, word for word. The droid phrased it more like:  _ “I walk. You.” _

I search the space between them, my eyes flicker back and forth as I fight off a nervous smile, deciding on setting my gaze to the droid. “Thank you for the meal, I greatly appreciate your efforts. I will see you in the morning, my friend.” I tell the droid, his small body swiveling closer to me. I bend down, letting my hand trace over the top of his head. He didn’t know about humor, and he hadn’t mastered the art of sarcasm, but he did know well enough into affection.

I stand straight, nodding toward the Commander, who wastes no time tucking in his chair to circle around the table to stand by my side. We exit the room together, pass through the main entrance together, and bound down the hallway, stopping directly before my bedroom door.

I can sense his apprehension and worry, I also know he has sensed my discomposure through the end of dinner, up to now. It wasn’t his fault, it was merely something I had discovered along with him, putting a bad taste in my mouth, souring my mood. 

“Did I take this too far?” He asks, genuinely concerned, on the verge of becoming angered with himself. My brows raise, immediately shaking my head. “No, not even the slightest bit.” I tell him, stepping closer. The alcohol has worked its magic on me, no doubt, but I can see the effects it has on him as well. Hooded eyes, licking his lips more often than usual, his posture much more relaxed than it usually was. 

I feel myself rousing up at the sight of him, admiring his reddened and flushed cheeks, but not before I feel the panic set in. My future, whatever was in store, if he and I would last long enough for him to be considered in it. If he even  _ wanted  _ what I wanted.

I feel different questions swirling around his head as I attempt to break away from mine, I ease his worry.

“I may have had too much wine, that’s all.” I appeal to him, hoping he’d believe it, as it wasn’t a complete lie. He nods his head, searching my eyes for anything more. He hopes to find the guilt I’ve secretly hidden away, afraid of ruining him, getting in the way of what he could accomplish on his own. Funny, I had all I’ve ever wanted in someone, standing before me. Now I had it, I couldn’t possibly imagine I was the same person for him, in his mind.

He studies me a bit longer, waiting for me to add something else, but it never comes. His eyes glimmer with a kind of sadness that twists my inside, nearly pricking my eyes with tears, noticing how downcasted he has become. He fills in the silence instead.

“I suppose it’s smart to turn in—the troopers should arrive sometime in the afternoon. If you wanted any free time in the morning, this is a good idea.”

He says this to me, but if I closed my eyes, if I stepped into a different room and heard him say this, it would truly sound as if he were talking to himself, trying to convince himself it was true. That it actually was the right thing to do. I hum to myself, nodding my head, knowing it was wrong, this was all wrong.

He sighs, his eyes flickering to my lips, like he desperately wanted a taste as badly as I do. Instead, he leans down a bit, planting a kiss on my forehead. I lean into him, placing my head on his broadened chest for a moment, wrapping my arms around his torso. His kiss is long and thoughtful, surely full of more sentiment than I was able to understand. His lips suction away leisurely from my skin, peering back down to me with the shyest smile I had ever seen from him, more worried and apprehensive than anything.

I make the part from him, stepping backward for my door to open behind me. The sound of the doorway hissing pains him, I feel it stem within his chest, exactly like it does for me.

“Goodnight, Commander.” I say sweetly, wishing I had what it took to kiss him goodnight, to hold him once more, to tell him how I felt and spend the rest of the night staying up late, talking about whatever danced across our minds. He waits a moment, giving me time to change his mind, before speaking.

“Goodnight, Commandant.” He says just as sweet, his words still laced with a great amount of disappointment, not in me, but in himself. The door shuts as I move backward, sealing him away from me, placing a silent hand over my mouth, afraid I’d cry. Too easily, I had found a way to ruin the night. It could have been much more, it could have at least been whatever he expected it to be, because I knew I would have enjoyed it as well.

I simply lay on the bed, shutting off the lights, wrapping a blanket around my body. The tears fall, but I keep them silent. I feel conflicted, I feel detested with myself for spoiling such an opportunity. In the past, he had asked before about what I wanted, at the end of the day. He had known I wanted a family sometime in my life, he also knew I wanted to step away from the Order before ever doing so. I knew for certain that he was so desperately trying to make the galaxy a better place, returning it to the way things should be. He had mentioned we  _ all  _ could step away from it, someday, when things were in the right place.

I wipe away my tears on my blanket, pouting like an absolute child. I have cried for a good fifteen minutes, and I don’t feel like letting up just yet.

He had asked a second time, although he knew my answer, maybe solidifying with himself that my goal was to have a family on whatever green planet I had grown up on. He was well aware that I have searched high and low, comparing and contrasting to see what I recognized. He had even ventured to a few in search of me, when I had left for Hoth on my own, assuming I was leaving him and the Order behind for good.

Hastily, I rub the palms of my hands over my eyes, feeling how puffy they have grown to be. My incessant crying has warmed me up even further than the wine had, ripping the blanket off of my body in a fit of anger. I sit up, placing a hand over my eyes as I shake my head. Each breath I take outward warms me up further, aggravating me further as well. The air within the room has been filtered, and re-filtered through my heaving lungs, passing through my trembling lips and back into the space before me. It feels stale and cloudy, repulsing me to no end. The room is  _ too  _ quiet, this aggravates me as well. I cannot find anything to calm me down, to bring me peace.

_ The air is much better outside, so I’ve heard. _

I sob out loud, my pain entangled within a laugh as I hear his voice glide through the space between us, planting the sweetest of kisses within my mind. My chest shakes with every breath inward I take, I can barely steady myself as I grab my blanket, slinging it around my shoulders. I do not think about it any longer, what has plagued my mind ever since we had returned from the creek. That shower I had taken proving to be the worst thing for me at that time. Instead of thinking about  _ any _ of it, I rise off of the bed and to my feet, approaching the door.

The door slides open to reveal Commander Ren, patiently, but worriedly, waiting to see me. He might have never left the door frame if I wouldn’t have known better. His face is softened, the pinch of his brow alluding to how well he was at deciphering my attitude, never wrong about it. His eyes are obviously pained, having felt every bad feeling that sparked within my mind, never trespassing deeper into my mind to find out. He had assumed something was up since dinner, only now, I couldn’t hide it anymore. I didn’t want to after seeing how closely he was watching over me, through the walls.

Before I could step into the hallway, he has entered my room, the worry lines on his forehead creasing deeper and deeper as he took a better look at me. Stepping into me, his bare hand wipes away the tears lining my cheeks, letting his thumb linger across my skin. He doesn’t have to say anything, nor do I, for him to understand what I wanted—what I needed. I lean into him, wrapping my arms around his torso, letting out a relieved sigh, glad I wasn’t going through this on my own.

He keeps eye contact as he bends down, hooking his arms on the underside of my legs, lifting me up as if it were no problem to him at all. I wrap my hands around his neck, in a similar fashion to how I had in the creek, my legs wrapping around his waist and crossing my ankles securely. The blanket is still wound around me as he exits my bedroom, making his way back into the hall as I rest my head on his shoulder, pushing my face into his neck, smelling of the same soap I had rubbed across my body in the shower, mixed with his own personal musk.

He pauses momentarily, the door to his bedroom opening as we stand before it. He releases the arm wound around my backside, motioning two waters from the refrigerator in his room, which doesn’t seem to have been used at all. I notice the bed is perfectly made, without any creases amongst the blankets or pillows. He recoils his arm back around me, continuing down the hallway and into the main entrance. 

The sturdy arm wraps around my waist and tightens—I would be willing to bet my life that no force within this galaxy could remove me from his grasp, unless he let it happen. His free hand gently rubs up and down my spine, taking his time as he calms me down. My chest no longer shakes, I only peer through swollen eyes as he puts distance between us and our bedrooms.

I hear the ramp open, to which he saunters down, and into the night. The air  _ is  _ much better out here, having cooled down significantly since we had been inside. 

“Look.” He mentions, nudging his chin against my forehead. I turn, taking notice of the thousands, possibly  _ hundreds  _ of thousands of fireflies, buzzing in all different directions around us. He continues to walk us through the flying, flickering lights and further into the forest. Some touch down onto the top of his head, or the bend of my shoulder. When he chooses to stop, it is between two large trees to either side of us, with a spacious clearing in between. There are shrubs and bushes behind us, to which he sets me down in front of.

Glad I had brought it along, he took the blanket from around my shoulders, stretching it out and laying it down for us to lay upon. He motions me to go first, I oblige, spreading out across the side of the blanket closest to the tree.

He then follows my lead, slowly laying himself down beside me. We both lie on our backs, peering up through the tall trees, the stars in the night sky shining brightly. The fireflies around us are slim and sparse, providing a bit of light, but it still keeps our surroundings dim.

And we lay, just like that. The softened ground is comfortable beneath us, I can feel his body heat warming my left side. Only a few measly inches were held between us. My mind is relatively calm, but I know that it wouldn’t take much to cross over that line once again, overwhelming myself, feeling guilty, unsure if  _ all  _ of this was right. 

“Could you tell me what has bothered you? Something I’ve done?” He asks into the night, so carefully it almost seems as if it weren’t directed for me as he peers up at the sky above. I wince, my brows automatically knitting together with grief. 

“It is not anything  _ you _ have done, I”ve just…” I trail off, my chest adopting that heaving manner once again, as soon as tears sting my eyes. I am finding difficulty to string everything together the right way, he deserved to hear it in no other sense. I press my eyes closed, taking a deep breath in and balling my hands into the material of my shirt on either side of my torso. I go to speak, just as I feel him slide his bicep against mine.

“I am having doubts.” I confess, the way the words roll off of my tongue feels  _ wrong _ , although it was what had truly plagued my mind. I open my eyes as I hear him shift lightly beside me, becoming more comfortable, maybe.

“Oh.” He states plainly. Quick and easy, here, then gone into the night. My chest tenses, my stomach lurches. I feel the need to become more understood. I could say it—I  _ can  _ say it, what harm could this bring? It was harrowing my mind so badly, I could benefit from getting it off of my chest.

“Doubts concerning m-myself, mainly.” I force out, biting my bottom lip. His response is well timed, well mannered, not wanting to intrude if it was too much for me, but the curiosity in his voice is something he cannot hide. “In what way?”

I stammer to myself, my eyes tracing the different stars, wondering what life was like on each one. But it didn’t make sense to—I had a nice day with him, and here I was, withholding information from him. I beat myself up, feeling his bare fingers skim my left hand. He smoothens the pads of his fingers over the top of my hand, sliding them over to keep my hand within his. 

It felt severely odd, the amount of people I have killed, the lives I have trained for our cause, the sabotage I have pulled off in order to see missions to the finish line. The amount of times I have killed ruthlessly, killed because I  _ wanted  _ to, for enjoyment purposes only. While he commanded our cause, leading us, guiding us throughout the galaxy with one main goal, which we all shared, having his  _ fair  _ share of lives he had taken, meaningfully or carelessly, all stashed away under his belt. And for what? Now to lay out beneath the stars like young children, holding our tongues, shading over our feelings because of what? Bashfulness? Insecurity?  _ Now  _ it all sounded childish, stupid, even. I puff my cheeks out, before unloading onto him.

“I am not as skilled as you when it comes to shoving aside what burns between us more than the general sense. I don’t see how we can keep  _ this  _ from the Order, from Snoke. I am afraid of becoming used to  _ this _ , to find that you have grown tired of it and want to move on.”

I blurt all of this out, the man I held so much for so motionless beside me. I fear his response, I notice I have more to say, not quite ready to hear his end. I take in another shattered breath, hoping for my voice to not break this time around.

“You’ve asked me about a family on more than one occasion. I don’t have it within me to entertain something that means  _ so  _ much to me if you are not…” I trail off, feeling my throat close in on itself, the blinking stars above shattering within my tearful vision, spilling down the sides of my face. Quickly, he sits up on his side, peering over my body.

“You have sat with this  _ all  _ day?” He asks, shocked. I sit up on my side, just like he has, tears spilling down my cheeks as I nod. I could not decipher if relieving this weight over my chest had made me feel better, or worse. His open palm meets my cheek, thumbing away the tears from both eyes, softening his voice before speaking.

“I do not wish to waste time, in any aspect regarding you, or your future.”

I sob lightly as I breathe out, feeling my lips swell with pressure. “Oh.” I put lightly, leaning my face deeper into his hand. I gaze into his eyes as I feel he is readying himself to add on more.

“We have done well keeping this from those around us for quite some time, I believe. I trust that we can continue onward, if you wish to.” His head nodding, brows raising with the question.

I give him a nod, feeling the locked breaths in my chest knocked free with every wrong he makes right.

“I do not foresee myself  _ growing tired  _ of you, I couldn’t handle going about my life without your thoughts and opinions walking across my mind at all times, I don’t see how I ever let time pass for so long without you.”

I place a hand over his that frames my face, tracing my thumb into his skin as he continues. “If anything, I thought you would tire of me, as I have pushed you further than you have ever pushed me.”

Immediately, I shake my head, moving in closer to him, curling my fingers around his hand. “I could  _ never. _ ” I practically beg, wanting him to understand just how  _ stuck  _ I was on him, such a long time it had been since I knew a life without him. He nods, believing me, the corner of his lips just barely twitching to see how much I meant it.

“Would it scare you if I admitted that I have no intentions of going about a future without you in it?”

My lip quivers upon hearing his question, shaking my head. “N-no.” I say, laughing a bit to myself as my chest heaves. “I want you in mine.”

He nods, leaning in closer, his voice lowering. “I feel the pull, at all times. It distracts me, just as I feel it distracting you. We do not have to hide from anything you do not wish to—if you find it is ceaselessly getting under your skin, you can tell me. I assure you, I’ll feel the same.”

He continues supplying me with all the right answers, taking me back, charming me in new ways I didn’t know were possible. I nod, finding the opportunity as it bubbles within me to the surface for me to call upon.

“Such as now.” I directed, my heart rate beginning to slow into a more sultry, more rhythmic pattern. I feel each beat as it presses against my chest, it is oddly arousing. He can feel it as well.

“ _ Yes,  _ just like right now.”

His eyes glance upon my lips, skimming over them. I feel something pulsing deep within him, to a similar tune as what pulses within me. I know there is one last thing we have yet to discuss, the one thing that would drive all of this home. He takes my hand that is placed over his, bringing them to his mouth. 

His plush lips brush over my knuckles, planting a single kiss for each finger. My mind buzzes, my stomach dropping into the lowest part of my abdomen as his eyes flutter back up to mine. He’s dragging this out now, knowing well enough that I had been waiting on pins and needles, hanging onto every last word.

“I  _ would _ have a family with you, in the future, if you’d like that.”

I frown, my lip quivering uncontrollably as I crash my body against his, enveloping my arms around his neck as his arms retreat around my waist, reeling me in while leaning into me.

“I would—I would love that.” I cry into his shoulder, so overcome with happiness and elation for him. It was always such a chore to envision a life outside of the Order, even though I wanted it with every fiber of my being. I had always wondered what my family would be like—I yearned for a chance to have unity with others, beside the Order. Something more than the four years that I was given within my childhood, before it was taken away. I could give my family a better opportunity than I had, never putting them in the position to grow up faster than they needed. Showing them love, affection, values. It was clear Commander Ren’s childhood was not ideal in the slightest, he had that drive like I did. Wanting to do well by others, creating a life that corrected all of the wrongs within our own lives.

He had done it, clearing through my worries and supplying me with enough ease to soften the peaks. I feel his warm breath in the crook of my neck, heating up my skin. With our chests pressed together, the force has gone mad, the buzzing within our chests linking together,  _ stronger  _ together, showing us just how difficult this could be to ignore, at a time such as now.

I feel my body quiver against his, his tremored hands rubbing up and down my backside, feelings bubbling within me I cannot fight off. I open my eyes, trailing my parted lips across the exposed skin of his neck, similar to how he had with me. I stitch a trail of kisses upon his skin, feeling his body shift as it is so closely pressed against mine. My lips grow feverish, wanting to taste more of him—different areas of his skin. 

My mouth drags up his neck, my lips nipping the underside of his jawline. His large hands grab the material of the backside of my shirt, squeezing and releasing over and over again, sometimes tugging at my skin with how tightly he binds his fists. My tongue swipes the curve of his jaw, then kissing over the wet stripe I had made. He releases a hearty groan against me, his face buried deep within my neck, his hot breath staining my skin.

I kiss up his jaw, planting small pecks over his ear that was masked away with those raven waves of his. I hum sweetly against his skin, pleased on my own with how this interaction made me feel. He flinches each time I do so, his body curling forward into mine with anticipation, as well as elation, forcibly putting me in a position to where my back arches to keep up with him. I kiss one too many times for him, my lips breaking away from his skin as he places an iron bar-like arm over my chest, pushing me down flat upon the blanket, my body forming against the ground as he looms over me.

His mouth attacks my neck, in the same spot he had been breathing and taking in my scent from before. His kisses are sloppy and wet as they cover my skin, the chilled air hitting the spots and sending wild shivers down my spine. The weight of his body keeps me pinned, his hands roaming over my arms, giving light squeezes here and there, as if he were making sure I was real. He grasps at me just like he had through the force, while I was alone in my room quite some time ago.

The force thuds around us, like solid knocks on a metal door, reverberating the space around us. Asking of us to take it further, enticing us with how good it would feel. I bite my lip and tilt my head back, bearing more skin to him. He takes what I give him, feeling as his tongue flattens out between his lips, flicking upwards from my neck and to my jaw. My lower abdomen  _ burns,  _ I couldn’t even imagine how I’d feel if we took things to the farthest extent possible.

He discovers a tender spot between my neck and jaw, pressing his pillowy lips into it, sliding his tongue over the space. My back arches with delight, a moan I cannot suppress rolling off of my tongue and into the little space between us. I feel this kick start him, his emotions becoming even more ramped up. He slips his hand to cup the side of my cheek, leaning down and quickly latching our lips together with great haste, as we had yet to kiss each other all day.

Our lips slide in perfect, choreographed unison, parting and bobbing through the motions. He continuously presses me deeper into the blanket below, each time I try to rise up. I ravel my fingers through his hair, tangling and tugging on different strands, feeling the vibration of his lips against mine as he chuckles. 

My tongue swipes over his bottom lip, parting them further to make my way past. My tongue meets his, sending a shock through his whole body, from the top of his head down to the tips of his feet. It takes him back as I swirl my tongue around with his, he mimics the pattern I have set, impressively learning as he goes.

His hands have continued to roam my body, but at a respective pace, avoiding the more intimate parts of myself, as I found I have as well with him. I hitch a leg, positioning him into a better angle, letting my hands trail down his back. My nails rake up and down, digging as deep as they possibly could into the thick and rough material of his uniform.

I move his hand from the side of my face, trailing it down my neck, settling it over my breast. I open my eyes to see his widen, feeling him disconnect our lips for a brief second. I nod, pecking his lips and looking back into his eyes, giving him the pass to do as he’d like. He leans back in, fluttering his eyes closed, tracing his fingers over the mounds on my chest. He is incredibly gentle, tracing around the shape, squeezing lightly.

I grab his hand once more, guiding him underneath my shirt, stopping his hand along my stomach. His hands are warm, radiating their heat beneath the fabric. The tips of his fingers trace patterns along my skin, I kiss him harder, taking his bottom lip between mine and tugging on it. I purposely arch my back against him, signalling for him to make his way up. He does just that, his hands crawling to my breasts, smoothening his fingers over the soft material of my bra. He squeezes a bit harder, feeling a bit more than he had while above the shirt. His hand snakes to the side of my breast, pushing against its weight, sending a shudder throughout my body as he brushes against the softest areas of my chest.

As I notice him, pushing further and further into my body, I slide my foot to bring my leg even higher, raising my hips up to better meet his. He reacts the same, pushing down into me, it’s hard to differentiate what is his  _ formed  _ excitement, and what is the harsh material of his clothing.

Honing in on the excitement of my own, I press upward into him, raising my head off of the ground as I continue the kiss. Placing a hand on his chest, I shove him down to the ground, his head resting on the incline of the ground below, the roots of a tree trunk raising the earth from underneath, acting similar to a pillow for him. I stretch myself out on half of his body, our kisses having grown deep and languorously slow.

Wanting more, I grab his hand, open and outstretched on my waistline, moving him down to the curve of my ass, earning an instant groan against my mouth. He obliges, kneading my skin, becoming familiar with it, testing its weight in his grasp. He licks my lips, grabbing as much skin as he can within one heaping handful. I hear him breathe out across my skin, his lips tightening against mine as he grins.

I moan into him as he indulges, massaging into me while pressing my hips down onto his. I’ve begun to move in small circles against him, trailing my hands across his chest, down his arms, tracing over each muscle and the rippling differences between each one. 

The way he touches me has a trance, unlike the way some men may touch women. Some touch to  _ take  _ something for themselves. He was in it for how good it made him feel, I knew that much, but he also wanted to make this last for  _ both  _ of us. The grip of his hands, they way he forms over every dip and curve of my body, following along. He memorizes every inch. 

Our emotions strung so tightly together, feeding off of each other's energy and how it has mixed and transformed into one glowing power between us—now I cannot deny these other indulgences I have, wishing to give in. I mumble against his kisses, a kind of confidence firing off within me like I have never felt before, my heart soaring as I vocalize my wishes.

“Can I make you feel good?”

His lips pull from mine only slightly to give me his absentminded response, peeking through his lashes, nipping at my lips lightly, audibly wet pops between us. “You always make me feel good.”

He continues kissing, but I lean back slightly to let our lips part, slowly tugging them away as he had only assumed we would continue. His brow flexes, searching my eyes as I know they have grown lustful and wide as they bore into him. I lick my lips and breathe out, waiting for him to get the picture.

And then it clicks for him, his own eyes widening in a kind of calm panic on the exterior, everything falling apart for him on the inside, as I can sense it. He is then able to see what I have envisioned in my mind, what I am insinuating, what my lips are practically  _ aching  _ to do.

He is aghast, his heart rate speeding up, competing with his arousal, which he cannot fight off. “Y-you—you do not have to do that for me.” He says just above a whisper, hardly able to consider my proposition. His heartbeat has broken through his chest and maneuvered its pulses to his throat, sneaking into his words and causing them to tremble.

His lips let out what he wishes, while his mind is  _ screaming  _ a completely different story, one where he isn’t as apprehensive of me doing something like this. There is a need for it, deep within him, to finally experience such a towering amount of affection, in one of the most intimate ways to express it. I lick my lips, nodding to him. 

“I  _ want  _ to, it’s all I can think about.” I tell him truthfully. I earn a shaky exhale from him, his eyes blinking rapidly as they search for a hint of doubt over my features. Different fireflies buzz a few feet above our heads, flashes of light stretching across the Commander’s face, illuminating his concern.

I can sense his apprehension, his confusion as to why someone like me would ever want to do such a thing for him, for his own personal gain. He wasn’t able to understand such an act from my angle, and how it was not purely for him, as it would easily satisfy me just as much.

“You really mean that?” He shudders, his words airy and contemplative as he peers into my mind. I feel the pressure pressing inward on all sides of my head, searching as to  _ how  _ I could not mind this, disregarding it as I let my hand trail down his chest, breaking away from his gaze so I could eye his waistline.

“If I didn’t  _ truly  _ want to, I would not be offering.” I chide in, leaning in closer, batting my eyes down to his lips, then back to his stare. He still struggled with why I would want to, but when I peer into him, I understand this isn’t something he had ever done before, letting me know that this was more of a situation he would have to experience, rather than hypothesize on his own.

His features soften over very slowly, letting me close the gap between us, hovering my lips against his. “Okay.” He barely makes out, the sweetened Chandrilian wine hitting my cheeks as he exhales, taking in its scent. I can sense the excitement in the pit of his gut,  _ slowly  _ circling up to present itself more noticeably at the surface.

I kiss him, placing my right hand over the side of his face, thumbing his cheek to ease him down. He breathes heavily through the kiss, his hand making it to the side of my face, a light tremble fixed throughout his strong fingers. I let my hand slowly travel down his neck, rubbing his chest, feeling how good I had already begun to make him feel. I keep the kisses slow, sliding my hand down his chest, cursing the material beneath my hands for shielding me away from what he looked like underneath. 

I trace patterns downward as I migrate even lower, letting my hand settle gently over the mass I had only  _ just  _ noticed. My breath hitches, just as his does against my lips. I feel him a bit better, pressing into his tented pants, giving him a soft giggle to show he wasn’t the only one here riddled with nerves. His lips pull into a warm grin, leaning back in to attempt to form his lips against mine.

I hesitate, kneading my fingers into the material of his pants, watching as his lips beckon me closer. My lips part, watching the way he reacts to my touch, his neck becoming looser, his facial features smoothening out. His eyes trail from mine, to my lips, over my shoulder. I feel his hand maneuver down my spine, tracing his fingers over the curve of my ass. I smile, nodding my head, continuing him on. I press harder into the mass in his pants, feeling a better outline of him. His lips pull into a tight line, rolling his head on his shoulders before catching my eyes once more.

He leans forward, kissing me hungrily, groaning into it. As I press harder against his member, he squeezes my ass tighter, repositioning his fingers to get the best grip possible. I slide a finger across the button to his pants, flicking it open, opening up something  _ deep  _ within him at the same time. His free hand grips the side of my face, curving around my jaw and digging into my neck, his thumb pressing into my cheek. His tongue becomes demanding and sultry, outlining my lips, peeking into my mouth to meet my tongue.

My thumb and middle finger unfasten the zipper to his pants, sliding it down and feeling his covered bulge attempt to flee his uniform. I suck in a breath, his erection only now covered by his undergarments. I press into him again, his hand squeezing into my ass and pressing the apex of my body against his thigh. I take back some of the control, circling my tongue around his, only to wrap my lips around his tongue to suck on it lightly, noticing his eyes opening to observe me doing so.

I for one, was filled to the brim with enough foreplay to last me a good few weeks. I leaned in to kiss him once more, only breaking away to kiss the corner of his mouth, his cheek, down his jaw and to his neck. I hover down the lower half of his body, his hands at his sides balling into fists, then releasing and fanning out, as he does so often.

I carefully grip the waistline of his pants, bringing them down, his erection flopping outward as now it is only covered by a thin veil of material. I gawk at it, the size, the shape, salivating at the thought of what he looked like. I peer up at him, his hands still moving with a mind of their own at his sides. I plant a kiss across the base of him, the soft fabric rubbing against my lips. I can hear his breathing deepen, longer, more defined breaths entering and leaving him in an attempt to calm himself.

I continue kissing him, nuzzling the side of my face against him. I drag a hand up his exposed shin, to his thigh, meeting the leg of his undergarments and trailing my fingers slowly over to the waistline. I snap the elastic against his waist, watching as his eyes flicker with excitement as well as a mild panic.

I hook a thumb within the waistband, my finger skimming the soft skin beneath the material, anxiously tugging it down. With a second hand I do the same, lowering the material of his undergarments until I have revealed him, in all his glory. I take a moment to myself, my eyes widening, unfocusing as I have become so astounded, blinking thoroughly and refocusing to not miss a thing.

I stare at his erection, at full attention, much larger than I had  _ ever  _ imagined. Anticipation and eagerness fill me to the brim; he blows out a breath, breaking my concentration as I snap my eyes up to him. I can see his face is red, amongst the amber glow of the bugs soaring around.

I wet my lips, moving in closer to his erection, feeling his legs tense against my chest as I slide over them. I peer past his member to see him, his hands balled into tight fists, his eyes trained on me. I grimace, sliding my hand upward against his torso to meet him. I unball his fingers, lacing mine through his as I rub my thumb over the top of his hand.

_ I will stop, if you’d like me to. _ __  
  


I tell him, suddenly unsure if these were nerves, as this was his first time, or if he was genuinely not interested in-

_ Keep going. _

I grin, rubbing my lips together as he gives me a nod, unable to recall the last time he had blinked. I settle our coupled hands over his abdomen, still motioning my thumb against him. I move in, planting a kiss at the base of him, his erection flexing as I do so. I flicker my eyes to look at him, the most interested I had ever seen within my time of knowing him.

I plant another kiss, and another, trailing upward, downward, on the front and backside with only my lips. I let the kisses grow longer, opening my mouth a bit more each time, licking only my lips, slowly wetting his erection. I curve my lips around the sides of him, sucking softly, suctioning my lips away and leaving wet stains in my absence. 

My tongue peeks through my lips as I kiss against his length. Slowly, I lick him more and more, short flicks turning into longer stripes. I eye him as I do so, watching his chest cave in with each exhale, his lips parted open wide as he takes in each breath. I tilt his length back, sticking my tongue out further, licking from the base until I could reach the beginning of his tip, moving back down instead of reaching the very top.

His body rises as my tongue does, exhaling shakily and lowering with anticipation as my tongue maneuvers back down. His grip on my hand has grown significantly, easing up each time he notices how tightly he has begun to squeeze my fingers against his own.

With most of his length coated in my saliva, I leaned in and kissed his tip, which I had ignored up until this point. He startles as I do so, his whole body jumping lightly at the sudden touch, where a bundle of his nerves were located. I kiss, and kiss, and kiss, the beaded precum now glossing over my lips. I show him as I lick my lips, tasting just how salty and savory he was. His eyes are wild, especially as I finally take his tip in my mouth, sucking softly. The ligaments and muscles in his neck turn to rubber, his head slouching onto his shoulder as he continues to watch on.

I hollow out my cheeks, increasing the suction over his tip as I trail the tips of my fingers down the base of his length, observing as his shoulders raise, his eyes widening, then hazing over. I giggle as I take him out of my mouth, trailing my tongue to the front, poking my tongue to continuously slide over the small ridge of space between his shaft and tip. I continue licking this way as I press into him, noticing how he bites at his lip in a frenzy, gnawing at himself as he stares so intently.

I take his tip back into his mouth, hearing him audibly sigh, releasing his hold over my hand once again. I flatten my tongue against him, positioning my head correctly to take more of him into my mouth. His hands squeeze mine even tighter this time around, pressing his thumb into my knuckle as I rise back up, only having lowered onto a bit of him.

I do this a few times, lowering down, then rising back up, taking a bit more of him each time. At some point I take him within my mouth entirely, feeling his legs twitch and jerk against my chest. I lower back down a few times, coating him, getting him as wet as possible. I look to him as I continue on, his mouth gaping, peeking through hooded eyes as they are glossed over with lust for me. I study the slight flutter of his lashes as I suction tighter, his head tilting back to stare at me through small slits. Noticing the small twinge of his browline at the different sounds I make.

I finally work my mouth into a groove I can get used to while at an even pace, bobbing and reeling my head down onto him, pursing my lips as he slides against them, traveling further and further into the back of my throat. I feel him unlace his fingers from mine, quickly trailing his hand up my shoulder and to the side of my face. He brushes my hair out of my way, draping it back over my shoulder to fall down my backside. 

_ How do I feel? _

I ask him, completely enjoying myself.

“So  _ good. _ ” He lets out, his statement breathy as it comes deep from his throat.

I continue my pace, playing around with how flattened I kept my tongue, or how much I let my cheeks press into him as he glided in and out of my mouth. I take him too far a few times, gagging softly against him. My eyes well with tears as my heart rate raises, still getting used to his length. His hand on my shoulder trails to my jaw, tracing the outline. I look up at him, pleasantly finding how mesmerized he has fallen.

His fingers level down my chin and to my neck as I continue to bob against him, suctioning tighter and tugging on him as I rise. His hand curves against my throat, pressing into the bulge in my throat softly as his fingers wrap around my neck. He gives me a weakened, boyish smile, feeling his length as he slides in and out of my throat, further and further down.

Time goes on, he presses harder against my neck. I gag against him again, the tears pooling even more at the edge of my waterline, spilling onto my cheeks as I blink them away. He quickly removes his hand from around my throat to grab my chin, slowing me down, rising me off of his erection. I take in a clean breath of air, a string of saliva connecting from my bottom lip and to the tip of his length. I clear my throat, catching my breath as he wipes away my tears, giving me a smile. 

_ Beautiful. _

He sends me, his lips twitching as we lose each other in a heated stare.

His thumb presses into my lips, rubbing my saliva into my skin, sticking a finger into my mouth to press the pad onto my tongue, flattening me out. I close my lips, sucking on his finger, watching the wrinkles on his forehead increase.

I feel the burn within him as it mixes with mine, overwhelming me, taking us both to new heights in regard to pleasure and passion. The heat cooks us alive as we both pant against it, the force almost visibly creating a cocoon around us, trapping in all of our desire and elation for one another. 

I fire up again, rather quickly, popping his finger out of my mouth as I miss the way his length is able to fill me. I take him back into my mouth, earning a surprised and lengthy sigh from him as I settle him back into me. 

I’ve purposefully rubbed my lips over his tip in an attempt to watch him squirm before me, which he does so rather dramatically. I simply wrap my lips around him, keeping my mouth agape as my tongue slides around him, messy, entrancing his mind and body. He bucks his hips upward, begging me to take in more of him, the teasing clearly agonizing to him.

I do just that, pressing him past my lips, curling my tongue the further down I slide him. I feel him reach the back of my throat, poking and prodding as I continue to breathe steadily through my nose. His hand frames the side of my face, his fingers tangling into my hair, his thumb resting on the high point of my cheekbone.

I speed up my pace as I feel him growing antsy against me, continuously flexing within my mouth as his legs reposition over and over, undoubtedly on the upward climb of pleasure. I send him down my throat with purpose, tightening my lips around his size, hollowing my cheeks to press against him tighter. I swivel my head as I do so, gathering more and more saliva.

“I- I’m—oh  _ gods. _ ” He gripes from above me, his fingers knotting tightly into my hair, tugging on my scalp. I want nothing more than to watch one of the most powerful men in the galaxy, the man I held all of my feelings for, a man that controlled  _ matter _ , wriggle and squirm against me as I supplied him with the most elation he had ever felt, but I keep my eyes shut as I concentrate.

I hear him gruff and groan, the makings of things he’d like to say, entirely too caught up in all of the sensations. My lips burn, my cheeks sting and my jaw aches as I continue my quick pace, feeling him throb and twitch within my mouth.

_ Tell me about it. _

I ask of him kindly, wishing to hear more of him, to help push me forward through his.

“You are s-so—you feel s-so  _ good. _ ” He exhales into the air, most definitely speaking to me through heavy eyes, his response traveling through clenched teeth; I struggle to fight off the urge to laugh, hearing how hot and bothered he had become.

I hear him whimper, his voice so low and throaty it nearly came out as a growl, pushing out laborious breaths that lodge in his chest or hitch in his throat. I twist my head around as I go down, straightening out as I rise up and repeating.

_ Will you finish for me, Commander? _

I ask him, knowing this was what he needed to send him over the edge. He groans, teased beyond measure, ready for the big release, but silently loving how crazed this feeling has made him become, as I edge him on. I feel him react against me, his body entirely unable to sit still as he is plagued with passionate tremors, his length twitching within my mouth as he aches to come undone inside of me.

“Y-yes— _ kriff _ —yes, Margot.”

My eyes snap open at the mention of my name, the  _ first  _ time he had ever spoken my name aloud, within my presence. I continue pumping as he watches me stare, heat radiating from every inch of him, panting, knowing exactly what he has done.  _ Liking  _ the reaction he has gotten from me,  _ liking  _ the way my name tastes in his mouth. 

A new kind of elation overcomes me, I move faster, I suction harder, I take him  _ deeper _ , wanting the best reaction from him.

Now I hear him give out rough and gravelly moans, loud enough for passerbys to pick up on. Beautiful music to my ears as he is nearly there, teetering on the edge of his climax, gaining sneak peeks, then returning back to the edge. His thumb slides to my hollowed out cheek, pressing against my skin to feel his length as he rhythmically slips in and exits my mouth.

_ What was my name? _

“Oh, M-Margot.”

I continue on, pumping my lips against him, sliding him in and out of me. Sucking and coaxing him as I angle my tongue to lap the slit of his tip as I raise upward. 

_ Come again? _

“Margot, f-fuck.”

_ Once more, please. _

“ _ Margot!” _

I hear him yell out, my new favorite thing, to know what my name could sound like as it rolled off of his tongue and out into the expansive night surrounding us. Out of the corner of my eye I watch as he tilts his chin upward, hardly able to keep his sights on me as he finally reaches his point of climax. His arms shoot straight out at his sides, legs tensing beneath me, his fingers locking within my hair as his thumb presses deeper into my cheek. 

His whole body trembles as he finishes, painting the inside of my mouth and the back of my throat with his hot ropes of appeasement. I hold my breath, fighting the urge to gag, until I can feel his body relax against mine, deep breaths released from his throat as he is on the come down. Keeping my lips tightly suctioned against his length, I rise upward, collecting every bit of his cum, sure to not make a mess of it.

As I reach the tip, I close my lips, furrowing my brow as I swallow him down completely. He tastes nothing like I could have prepared for, but it was a taste that I would always remember, nothing I could ever protest against.

I lean down, kissing his erection as it still stands tall. I wonder how many rounds he could go—I contemplate how many rounds I could  _ last  _ with him. I look over to him, finding him utterly blissed out, his thumb tracing my cheekbone once again. 

I rise to find he sits up as well, the hand on the side of my face reeling me into him. He pulls me into his lap with his free hand, planting our lips together as he cannot wait any longer. His tongue enters my mouth to my surprise, giving himself a taste. My lips have grown worn down as he kisses me, but I still find comfort in the way his pillowy mounds slide over mine, easing the soreness. He swirled his tongue around my own, pressing my body closer and closer to his as he moans into my mouth, thankful.

He breaks away, panting, breathless as he stares at me. A mere inch or so between us, our lips stinging, lingering to connect once more.

“I am in complete adoration of you, as well.” 

My lips pull tightly together, my teeth having dared to break through. He notices I do so, gleaming at me as his hand slides up my back, gripping me. I knew he had felt something to this magnitude ever since the moment I said it, earlier today—it meant all of the galaxies to me that he was ready enough to vocalize it, reciting it just as I had done. 

I still feel he is somewhat hard against me, his emotions running rampant and free, entangling with mine. I lean in and kiss him, twisting my arms around his neck as he scoots me closer and closer against him, his large hands opening wide to span across my back.

We stay here, within the forest, all throughout the night. Together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOOOOW wow, how do you like them apples?! That was SO much fun for me to write, y'all have no idea. I really hope everyone enjoys reading, imagining, dreaming as much as I did while writing it. What do you think? Do things seem like they are headed in the right direction? Any forecasting predictions as to what might go wrong, who could get in the way, or what could send everything crashing down around them? I love them together, but I'm sure you guys can tell how much I also love throwing a wrench into picture-perfect storylines, they add so much *spice* *chefs kiss*
> 
> Please, leave a comment and let me know your thoughts! I check quite often as they totally make my day, I read over them all the time to fuel me when writing a new chapter. I'm open to criticism as well, I'm always curious to know anything you guys are thinking, I can always reply to clear things up. As always, thank you for continuously reading, whether it's week to week, or sporadically throughout the months (I do both, depending on the story) Which reminds me, I totally need to make a list of my favorite fics that I have literal DREAMS about, they are that good.
> 
> (Btw, have a happy Halloween if you celebrate it! I'll be going as dark Rey with my red saber, forcing my boyfriend to go as Kylo ((he's tall with long, naturally black hair, so I can't NOT seize the opportunity)) )
> 
> Love you guys endlessly, thank you again. xx


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hi love you thank you for reading

“Yes, yes, just like that!” I yell excitedly through clenched teeth.

“How about this?” Ren asks, holding it with  _ both  _ hands as he plunges between my legs. Breathlessly I go to speak, but barely make it out, tired, my heart beating strongly through my chest. Wanting more and  _ more  _ of him.

“Am I too fast for you, Commandant?”

“You could speed it up, actually.”

Following my teases, he takes his saber, spinning on his heel while rotating the weapon above his head. He clashes down against the reverberating glow of my electro staff, clanging the rampant currents together. I yelp as they connect once more, his strength too powerful as he clashes against my weapon, knocking me back a few steps, a little too close for my comfort as I near the ledge of the hill.

“We don’t teach that one anymore.” I huff, balancing out and powering off my staff to adjust my pants. Both blades extinguish, retracting inward to fit in my palm once again. Silence falls over us as he switches off his saber, the red glow no longer illuminating the space around us. We had been training ever since sunrise, comparing each other’s ways of fighting, wanting to warm ourselves up before the sun could have a chance to. Earlier, the sky was painted in many different light blue and pink shades, hints of orange streaking the horizon as the sun peeked its head above the mountains.

We were conveniently placed on the peak of a hill, surrounded by higher hills all around. This gave us a great view of the land, as well as direction as to where BB-9 was waiting on the shuttle.

“Really?” He asks, with the slightest curve of his brow, the sun shining down and casting the faintest glimmer across is forehead, where sweat had collected over time. “Why wouldn’t you?”

My lips form closer together in thought, shrugging my shoulders as I dust off the material of my pants in the space between my thighs. The saber’s glow had heated up the material when he had jabbed between them, almost melting the fabric to my skin. I had barely managed to jump and spread my legs open to block the attack, my mind so messily tangled up within his.

I stand, flattening out my clothing. “Not sure, I think they see it as carelessness, maybe. It could be done more efficiently.”

His eyes narrow, throwing his saber off onto the bed of moss by our side, his boots clomping down onto the soft earth as he closes in on me. I feel his every intent, wondering why the Order would suggest the cancellation of such a move in regards to teaching it to students. His means of combat were much different compared to mine, or what I teach. I prided myself on remaining calculated, poised, running different outcomes through my mind as I go, always apprehending, always keeping prepared. I knew my faults as well—I let my emotions rule me far too often, getting in the way of how I fight,  _ why  _ I am fighting in the first place.

It’s not that  _ he  _ fought messily, he fought with very little structure. He would attack for reasons unknown, at least to those around him. He could make split decisions, ending a life without batting an eye, answering to nobody. He did not always calculate the outcomes, analyzing their lasting effects on not only himself, but others. He also let his emotions rule him, I knew this better now once getting to know him to a fuller extent. We had always shared more similarities than I knew.

“Do you see it as carelessness?” He asks, in regards to the technique. His gloved hand meeting my bicep. His fingers roll over the fabric of my shirt, rubbing gentle circles into my skin. I can sense he wishes to get  _ under  _ the material, feeling his skin on mine. I can feel similar emotions swirling within me, similar to late last night.  _ Wanting  _ him, wishing to experience every positive feeling possible within the galaxy with none other than him. My throat grows dry, I lick my lips and clear my throat to compensate.

“Not especially—I will still execute the former as opposed to the new technique—whatever works in the moment.” I gaze up at him, stepping in closer. He grins. “What does this new technique entail?” He suggests, his brow rising in wonderment, the softness of his voice alluding to how little he  _ really  _ cared to know, and how much he  _ did  _ care if I were the one to show him.

I extend a hand out to the side, his saber tumbling through the air and firmly into my grasp. I look to him, receiving his approving nod, before I power on his weapon. It startles me, the material of my shirt rubbing up against his chest ever so slightly. The red glow illuminates the side of his face, warming the hand I held it in completely. 

I step back, testing the weight out in my hands, finding that it does not alleviate the weight as much as I had hoped it would when I secured a second hand around the hilt. I twirl the weapon within my grasp, mindful of the red, rampant crossguard current that ceased to burn aggressive and bright, amazing me. I crouch, motioning the saber forward. Instead of bringing the blade between his legs, I swipe outward, letting it linger by his right boot.

“They’ve mentioned to swipe from the outside, so that there’s a better chance of sweeping  _ both  _ legs off of the ground, instead of merely inconveniencing someone by shattering an ankle in hopes of knocking them to their feet.” I say proudly, standing up straight once more as I pull the saber closer to my body. My finger ghosts over the button to power it down, but the extension of his fingers at his side halts me, yanking my thumb back. He steps to my side, his hand trailing down my arm to correct the way I held his weapon.

He tilts my hand upward, strengthening my wrist, placing my free hand lower on the hilt to support the weight, winding my fingers tightly. He circles around, his chest gliding over my shoulder blades, instantly transferring his warmth to me as he presses himself against my backside. I feel a warmth pinch the apples of my cheeks, settling myself against him as his hands skim the tops of both my arms, trailing down to where I gripped the saber.

“This is much heavier than yours would be—always point it upward and out, you’ll slice more evenly when you grasp it with both hands as well.”

My mind places a hush over the rest of his words, only focusing on what he had mentioned at the very beginning.

“Than  _ mine  _ would be?” I wondered to him out loud, his hands now placed over mine as we both held the saber, together. My body completely engulfed by his, almost as if he had the option to swallow me whole; the leather of his gloves rubbing against whatever scabbing was left on my knuckles. He chuckles directly into my ear, the sound similar to dousing my skin in warmed honey, alleviating my worry, trickling down the length of me, ever so slowly. He has leaned in closer to the side of my face, his body hunching over mine to successfully do so.

“You will need one of your own, at some point. You’ve earned it.”

I turn the blade within our grasp, marvelling the snapping stream of red tendrils, continuously spiralling outward and lapping over each other. “Although, I have come to enjoy the sight of you holding mine.” He addresses in a low tone, his face inching closer to me. I feel his contemplative mind, mulling over the confidence he had within him, desperately trying to apply it to me, here and now. 

I help him out, nudging my face against his. I feel his lips pull against my skin as he grins, turning slightly to plant a kiss upon my cheek. I smile, turning to better look at him. “You would take me? To help me make my own?” I ask, unsure of what that would entail, where I would have to go,  _ how  _ I would ever construct something like this without his guidance.

“I wouldn’t miss it.” He says sweetly, leaning in to close the space between us, more confident this time as our lips lock together. He kisses me tenderly, one of his hands piled over mine makes its way to my chin, holding me securely in place against him. His plump lips slide open mine further, his tongue greeting the inside of my mouth as he hums against me. My knees wobble beneath me as I grasp his arm, having to lean further backward and into his chest for support as I attempt to keep up with his passionate embrace.

Overhead, the slightest of hums breaks through the sound barrier, passing through the clouds blanketing the sky for us to hear. The Commander leaps to the side as he simultaneously powers off his saber, skillfully retracting said weapon to his belt on the double. I aimlessly jut off to the opposite side to inspect a random bush, sending out a shudder as I bend over slightly to take a fake interest in something at such a moment's notice. I even furrow my brow quizzically, as if lost in thought over this plain bush, just in case anyone were to notice.

With my arms folded behind my back, I listen as the hum grows louder, the Finalizer coming into view as it breaks through the clouds above. The Commander’s helmet is back on, unfortunately, as I straighten out to stand, wiggling my brows at him as I couldn’t believe how close of a call that had been. The ship skillfully disappears amongst the trees, landing in a similar area as the Commander’s shuttle.

“I suppose we should greet them.” He says reluctantly, not very thrilled by the idea of the troopers infiltrating the planet we had resided on, something that I could agree had begun to feel homely to him and I during our stay. I grimace, taking a few steps backward, further away from the ledge, keeping the two shuttles out of my sight. “I suppose.”

He walks to my side, away from eyeing just past the ledge of the hill. As he nears closer, his helmet is still trained beyond the horizon, lost in thought. I flex my fingers at my side, sliding off the glove to his right hand. I take the glove, as well as his large hand in mine, bringing it to my lips. I pepper the top of his hand in my kisses, placing a kiss for each knuckle as well, feeling how I began to chip away at his worry, bit by bit. He didn’t want his time with me, alone, to end. I didn’t want it to end either, feeling as if there were no one else but him and I on this planet.

“I have enjoyed my time away with you, I hope we can do this again, someday.” I breathed against his knuckles, feeling just how badly I made him swoon behind his helmet. His hand gently releases from against my lips, snaking off to slip to the side of my face.

His hand caresses me, full of meaning, thumbing his bare finger against my skin. I let my eyes close, enjoying it, unsure of when I would have the chance to enjoy such an embrace now that the troopers had arrived.

“I look forward to the next chance we get.”

His voice is gravelly and low against the vocoder, sounding as gentle and as kind as he could manage while wearing it. 

Sadly, we part, after a few more moments of his bare thumb crossing over my skin, as well as a few more pecks against his palm. We walk down the hill, professionally, as Commander and Commandant, having scoped out the perimeter as much as we could. I greet the officer of the DS division as they stand in front of the rows of troopers, all motionless and awaiting instruction. 

They remind me of DT, the way they carry themselves. I am glad to see their helmets are on and secured—I wasn’t ready to recognize any familiar faces, then come to terms with the idea of  _ losing  _ any of them in battle, if it came to it. The entirety of DT had been wiped out by the Rodians, the Commander and I barely escaping with our lives. Now, I stood before a different division. All replaceable, so easily, it seemed. Anyone could be.

“Commandant.” The officer greets, removing their helmet to give me a warm smile. He stands tall, a few inches taller than me, as well as a few inches shorter than the Commander. With short, curly brown hair and striking blue eyes. “Torris.” He adds, extending his gloved hand. I give him a firm shake, nodding and lending him a friendly smile. “Glad to have you.”

I envision how he would die, someday, even though I didn’t plan to. Face sunken in, skin pale as his body has fallen weak to the ground. The light in his eyes dying, the color of his iris’s dulling to a pale blue as they stare off into the distance.

“I trust you’re all up to speed?” I ask, going to break away the hold, but finding difficulty, as he continues the hand shake, a bit forceful for what I was used to— and I had shaken  _ quite  _ a lot of hands stemming from men. “We are—without a doubt.” He conceded with pride, his smile faltering at the sides

Faked confidence.

I nod, feeling the slightest pressure building around the exterior of my head, as if it were brushing through my hair and scraping against my skin. I release my hand from his friendly grip, although it is not easy to.

“Pleased to hear that.” I tell him, letting my eyes wander to find the Commander, who was viewing this interaction from afar, going out of his way to ignore whatever Captain Peavey was filling him in on. I step away from Torris without a goodbye, the pressure finally alleviating as I send a nod to the DS division, earning the tip of their helmets in my direction. 

As I make my way up the ramp, I hear the hasty footfalls of someone else approaching my right side, his words rushing to follow along as quickly as he could. That familiar pressure takes place once more.

“I have to say, it’s an honor to tag along on this mission.”

“Mhm.” I give out to him absentmindedly, stopping in the main area of the Finalizer as I feel my stomach grumble, knowing I needed something to eat. “I’ve been on missions in the past, but never with you, or the Commander.” He adds, a bit out of breath. I raise my brow at him, supplying him with an odd nod. I find that if I look at him for too long, my eyes begin to water, a burning sensation I was all too familiar with beginning to creep in. This wasn’t as harsh as the times I had stolen glances with Kahn for longer than the Commander was keen on. We were on better terms now, but that didn’t mean I had seen the end of his jealousy and the obstacles that rose along with it.

“How exciting.” I mention, a bit colder than I had originally meant to, as the mild headache sets in. I tear my gaze away from him as it begins to set in deeper, piercing through my mind further. I pace into the small kitchen area, the officer parading behind to my dismay. I sift through the refrigerator, hastily ripping off the foil to an energy bar, exhaling with relief as my tongue swells with the sweet flavor the dried fruit had provided.

I chew as he continues to stand, I let myself wonder out to what his aim was, why he had been on my hip like a lost animal ever since we had met. The idea of taking a quick peek into his mind bounces back and forth within my own, unsure if that’s the force user I wanted to be: making interactions easier for myself by intruding without their knowledge, taking something from them without them ever knowing. I stole a quick glance, finding that he was licking his lips in order to ready himself to speak, obviously noticing my apprehension. I don’t need to read his mind to understand his intentions,  _ feeling  _ in the air around me that he was about to cut to the chase.

“I have heard about Kahn, I have heard about Sola… and DT.” He begins slowly, the frantic demeanor he had carried with him beginning to die down. I nod slowly, then understanding what he was getting at. I let out a sigh, running my hands through the pony tail that slung over my shoulder, letting myself think back in time, although I wished I could forget the mission to Rodia all together.

“Although it was unexpected, as we were outnumbered, Sola died with honor in battle.” I tell him, flashing my eyes to him although it physically pained my mind to do so, the Commander’s force grip tightening around my thoughts. I gather from this small glance that he was worried, for his safety, as well as for DS, surely having heard of the last division that had accompanied the Commander and I on a mission. I add on, to ease his worry, although the mention of Sola makes my heart grow heavy.

“She put up a terrific fight from start to finish—she was killed quickly, she hardly saw it coming. I believe the shot was meant for me, but she had gotten in the way.”

A lie. I knew well enough that Sola hadn’t seen it coming at  _ all, _ the bullet deliberately meant for me as I had angered the Rodian behind the blaster. Once the Commander had seen how I had tried to help him, he noticed the Rodian aiming for me, yanking me out of harm's way. I didn’t ever think he had meant for Sola to die, moreso, he didn’t want  _ me  _ to die.

“Khan was… a complete mishap.” I sigh, momentarily mourning the loss of him as my eyes lower down to the ground. “He had made the right call at the wrong time—a knee jerk reaction got him killed. I do think I could have quelled whatever had roused him to act on his inclinations, but… we cannot dwell in the past. Can we?” I ask him, leaning back up to arch my brow. He shakes his head. The next glance I stole didn’t seem to find whether or not the details of fallen members of the Order had made him feel better or worse.

The door to the kitchen cries open, I could feel the Commander’s envious energy approaching long before he had entered the room. “Leave us.” He directs the officer. He is not as cold, nor as demanding as he could be, but I know he is dampening his domineering side down while in my presence, knowing he and I were far past that.

Torris nods, scampering past me. I turn on my heel, biting the inside of my cheek as I call out to him. “DT fought until their death, they will  _ always  _ be remembered for the sacrifices they have made. We all have an equal chance of falling out there. You don’t have to give it  _ all  _ of your attention, just put it on the back burner.”

Torris lingers in the doorway, fingers fumbling with his helmet in hand. He mulls over what I had said, his eyes tracing the floor. “Thank you, Commandant.”

I send him off with a nod, watching him leave, the door sealing the Commander and I to ourselves within the kitchen. A mere beat passes before he goes to speak.

“What did he-”

“Will this be a recurring situation?” I smoothly interject, finding him growing more and more blindsided, the words not close enough within his grasp to use. I watch as his helmet peers over my head, then lowering to his boots, mid-thought. I can feel him sift through his mind, picking and choosing what was right to say for this moment in time, with me.

A low sigh reverberates within his helmet, buzzing with reluctance to admit his true feelings, something we would have to continuously work on. Something I would have to remain patient with—and I would, for him. I’d wait as long as I had to as long as it was for him.

I fill the silence, beginning to regret calling him out for something he couldn’t help. “He is apprehensive—he needed only words of encouragement to push him onward for the day ahead.”

I feel him hardly mull over my words, bouncing off of what he had truly been thinking about. I sense his own regret, having thought there was more to the situation than he came to find there was.

“I am not used to  _ this. _ ” He tells me, something he had mentioned once before, if I recall so correctly. I nod, leaning down a bit to meet his gaze. I soften my voice, afraid of scaring him away, despite how large and powerful of a man he was.

“I’m not asking you to adjust to all of this right away.” I begin, stepping in closer to him. “But I could do without a headache, simply from speaking to another man.” His helmet tilts upward a bit to take in more of me, turning slightly to the side as he comprehends it all. I sigh. “I’m not planning on developing feelings for anyone else, only  _ you. _ ” I say sweetly, moving closer once more, pressing my hands against his chest. He positions his helmet onto the top of my head carefully, not pressing its true weight against me.

“I am unsure of how to react, when I see something like that.”

His gloved hands find my sides, fingers curling inward and tugging on the hem of my shirt. I nod against him, understanding what had badgered his mind. This  _ was  _ new to him, new to me as well. It made sense—he had gone so long without affection, without any lightheartedness someone else could feel for him in return. I sense it stirring within him, genuinely bothered by it as he had never experienced it to this magnitude:  _ jealousy. _

“I will have to speak to other men, as you will have to speak to other women— our line of work calls for it fairly often.” I begin, my fingers tracing the divots in his cape as it hung over his shoulder. “Would you ever think of developing feelings for a woman that wasn’t me?”

He quickly tears away from me, his hands moving up to my shoulders to gain an unobstructed view of me. “No, I would never—I  _ couldn’t  _ manage to.”

I quickly nod, trailing my hands from his chest and to his shoulders, wishing there wasn’t such an eyesore blocking my view of such a beautiful man. “And I believe you—because I  _ trust  _ you, that is how this works.” I explain, feeling the inner cogs within his mind turning, understanding the scene I had depicted.

“Can  _ you _ trust me?” I wondered to him, feeling those cogs come to a halt. His broad hands squeeze my arms, pulling me back into him, his helmet remaining fixated on me. “Of course I can.”

I smile, placing a hand on the side of his helmet. My chest aches, wishing to feel him better, to ghost my lips over his skin, supplying him with whatever amount of kisses I could manage before anyone else chose to enter the kitchen. The cold exterior of his mask contrasts with how warm he has made me feel—I had assumed he could trust me, but hearing him say it emboldened the feeling, giving it a new meaning.

“We can go from there, then.” I tell him, earning his prompt nod in agreement. His fingers trace monotonous circles into my arm, his mind fast at work, sending me different feelings and emotions toward the situation, toward me and just how tightly I had him wrapped around my finger. I lean upward, standing on my toes, planting a kiss on his helmet, as I couldn’t help hiding the urge to kiss him in  _ some  _ way.

I give him one final squeeze of his shoulders, as he does the same to me, feeling his mind atomize over having to leave the kitchen, having to let go of me. We part, although I’d give anything to stay there in his arms, simply looking at each other. 

We exit the kitchen, passing through the main entrance and down the ramp. I am plagued with an intrusive headache, one different than the nudging the Commander had supplied me with in the past. It doesn’t seem to build, but it lingers irritatingly as it dies down. I furrow my brow as the feeling fades, shaking my head to myself.

The troopers are in the same spot as before, Torris conversing with some of them. I can feel his energy, a bit more calmed after our talk, no longer obsessing over the possibility of his death and when it would be delivered to him. I also feel the Commander by my side, a sense of clarity overcoming him, truly believing that I trusted him, feeling exactly how much trust he had dedicated to me alone.

“Onward.” He says simply, casting his voice out to the troopers, all responding with a resounding, “Yes, Commander.” He leads the way and I follow, heading in a different direction than we had taken yesterday, somewhere we had not explored yet. He walks with purpose, without the anger or resentment he had held on the mission to Rodia, or even Tatooine. 

Torris flanks my back end, I can also sense the emotions coming from the DS division that trails behind him. Some are worried, wondering if today was the day they would meet their fate. Others walk with readiness, unafraid of possible outcomes, willing to give it their all. Then, others  _ welcome  _ the idea of death, yearning to kill, yearning to make a name for themselves, wishing and hoping to find a resistance base, just so they could tear through whoever inhabited it.

I push out their thoughts, just as I hear the footfalls behind me speeding up to stand by my side. “So, how many of these missions have you been on?” He asks. 

I fight the urge to widen my eyes, to raise my eyebrows in protest of such an uncomfortable atmosphere he had created. Most officers would remain quiet, apprehending their surroundings, keeping a watchful eye for any movement, any sounds amongst the vegetation around us. I wondered just how many  _ he  _ had been on, seeming that he didn’t understand how to effectively hunt down an enemy base.

“More than I can remember.” I told him quietly, my voice dropping a few octaves so I could still listen in on what surrounded us, sure not to bother the Commander, who was  _ undoubtedly  _ listening in on this conversation.

He huffs out as he laughs, surprised by my answer. “That’s impressive, I hope to lead missions on my own someday, if I am ever appointed to Major.”

I nod, seeing myself in that statement, recalling what it had felt like as an Officer, on the outside looking in. Placing different Major’s on pedestals in my mind, viewing them as gods with all that power. 

So impressionable back then, I had been in my late teens to the beginning of my twenties, wanting some of that power and the responsibility the title came with, so badly. I gave my everything, and  _ then  _ some extra in order to pass through the ranks. Now I was here, having achieved mainly everything I had dreamed of, after having written everything down in journals, staying after training sessions to gather more insight from my teachers,  _ praying _ to some higher being in the middle of the night for all of this to come true. 

Once I got to see what the Order was truly like, what our main goals were, what we were willing to do to indoctrinate  _ anyone  _ we could get our hands on, things changed. The inner drive I had perfected for so long became hollowed out. I still told myself I loved what I did, as it was partially true, teaching others and seeing my work demonstrated out on the battlefield. 

There was a lot I could stomach, and then things I couldn’t agree with but still forced myself to complete. I took whatever drove me and held onto it, deeming it as my purpose for living. Everything else was just background noise—I did it because it came along with the title.

The Order is a big part of me, but it is not  _ who _ I am. 

“Maybe I shouldn’t leave your side, knowing you’ve seen many different missions to completion on several occasions makes me feel at ease.” He says, pulling me from my elaborate thought bubble. 

Torris manages to trip over something imaginary as soon as he finishes his compliment, sinking and skidding to his hands and knees as his chest barely skims the ground. 

I stop in front of him, watching him groan while he brushes the dirt off of his uniform, the sets of boots coming to a poised stop behind us. I whiz my head around, feeling the Commander’s energy blooming with his ever growing spite, coated in a warm kind of satisfaction only he could create for himself. He stares at the man sprawled across the grassy ground, his gloved hand twitching slightly at his side.

“It is best to keep your comments to yourself, focusing on your surroundings, Officer. I do not wish to come to a stop again.” He recommends with certainty, knowing full well that  _ he  _ was the one to cause the Officer to trip. I roll my bottom lip over my top one, fighting off the urge to grin his way, trapping potential laughter within my throat as I do not wish to embarrass the Officer any further.

“Got it.” Torris chided from his knees, gathering to his feet. I nod at the Officer as I pass him, the Commander turning on his heel and continuing forward, right after he steals one last glance from me, certainly grinning behind his helmet.

From then on, our walk is a silent one, only the patter of many boots pressing into the dirt and grass below. Different birds swoop above our heads, I watch as the Commander takes an interest in them, his helmet finally breaking away from the straight path it had led for so long, turning to the side to observe the different calls the birds could make, mimicking other sounds. Some almost sound like blaster shots, signalling to us that the Commander’s hunch had been right—there was definitely  _ someone  _ worth looking into that was possibly on this planet.

The Commander becomes a bit bored, as I have, reaching out through the force, as if he could sink a hand through my breast plate to cradle the inside of my chest within his grasp. Something I had never felt him do purposely before, having felt myself concoct something similar just by being in the presence of him. 

Regardless, the sensation warms me completely, I smile to myself and reach out to him as well, like a pat on the shoulder that sensually trails down his arm. I feel what this does to him, wishing for us to be alone, projecting the desire so strongly out to me, like words that emboldened and italicised, so easy to read. I reach out to him with actual words, speaking my mind quite literally.

_ I wish we could be alone, too. _

The Commander immediately comes to a halt, my boots skidding across the dirt momentarily, hearing Torris do the same behind me. Ren turns to us, casting an arm out to his left side. “We split here. Return to base if nothing is found  _ well  _ before sundown.” His voice is brawny as it is informative, but  _ I  _ can catch the lingering aftertone, which was none other than  _ lust. _

Torris steps out from behind me, lingering on my right, stealing a glance at me once the Commander’s back has turned away. The troopers are slow behind Torris as he seems to stall, finally shaking it off as I nod his way, motioning him to continue on in the direction Ren had pointed. “I have every confidence you will be just fine.” I mention quietly, my voice travelling over the tops of the troopers helmets and to him. He nods, sending me one last look before speeding up his pace.

“This way,  _ Commandant. _ ” Commander Ren guides, hastily veering off to the left. He disappears amongst the hanging vines and large bushes surrounding us, my boots clomp into the plush dirt to  _ barely  _ keep up with him. 

We continue walking away, no longer hearing the trudges of the many stormtroopers off in the opposite direction, putting distance between ourselves and them. After failed attempts at catching up to his speedy pace, I found I could hardly see the end of the man’s cape, flickering as it led the way through this trail he had created for us. I huff as I increase my steps, my brows knitting together once the ends of his rippling cape are out of my sight.

“Slow it down, Ren.” I release a strained laugh through clipped teeth, hoping he would hear me, hoping my voice hadn’t alerted anyone else that could possibly be around. I continue my hastened walk through the trees, almost feeling the need to jog to catch up to him. 

I hear the hiss of his helmet releasing in the distance, as well as the audible  _ thud  _ it makes when its weight has pressed into the earth.

I round the corner of a large bush, my eyes taking in all that I could as I search for him. To my surprise, he quickly juts out from around the bend, cape billowing behind him, his hands immediately clinging to my hips and yanking my body closer to his, all while simultaneously backing us up into a tree. 

My backside bumps into the base of the tree, my boots tripping over a few exposed roots that rose from the earth, just as his mouth seals against mine. His lips are hungry and commence their pillowy attack against mine—as if we hadn’t kissed earlier in the day, as if we had gone weeks without each other. He moans,  _ loudly  _ out into the space around us, his gloved fingers digging deep into my skin, the side of his nose pressing against mine as he leans further and further into me.

I gasp in for a deep breath as our lips momentarily part, only for him to turn his head the opposite way, bobbing back in for his lips to mesh against mine perfectly, like he was fusing himself against me. 

I release a moan as his gloved hands travel up from my hips, his fingers pressing harshly into the sides of my torso, dragging the material of my shirt upward as he exposes my skin. There’s a knot in my stomach that has grown to become a tangled up mess, connecting to a similar knot lodged in my throat. I feel myself knocking it loose as I moan, my lips vibrating against his as I do so.

His kisses are fast, his lips hot and slippery on mine as he had introduced his tongue at the very beginning. I can’t suppress the moans that follow, his fingers then pressing into the sensitive flesh just under my ribcage, sending rampant goosebumps that dot across my skin. 

“Hmm?” He moans, posed as a question, his chest rumbling against mine as he does so. I wince and whine into his mouth, the sound of him enjoying himself too much for me to handle within the moment. My energy within the force ran free alongside his, lapping circles around us while it buzzes incessantly. His hands spread out to great lengths across my body, curling around to my backside and traveling down my spine.

He traces the curve of my ass, grabbing two handfuls as his tongue swipes across my bottom lip, taking the flesh between his two lips and tugging on it. I moan out into the open, tilting my head back as I feel myself enjoying myself  _ too  _ much, just as he does. 

One of his hands slides down to my thigh, raising my leg upward, his fingers curving into the bend of my knee as he positions himself even closer to me. He keeps my leg against the outside of his hip, fingers engraving themselves into the material of my pants. My hands have remained rather stationary against his chest, pawing and fumbling with the material of his uniform absentmindedly, all of this so  _ fast  _ and so  _ heated _ . My mind was blank as he contorted my body to his liking, wanting me to feel as good as he could manage.

My hands snake up his neck as I feel his intent, wishing for more time with me than we had been allotted, a bit jealous of the Officer talking to me every chance he got. I could see why he became protective in times like that, as I was the first person he could truly call his own, nobody else’s. My arms hang around his neck, my body stretching against him as his lips pound into and slide about mine. 

These moans of his have turned more guttural as my fingers comb up the backside of his neck and into his hair, beautiful groans that pulsate from deep within his throat to drum against my mouth. 

His gorgeous waves of hair brush against and tickle my cheeks, sending shivers down my spine and across the pads of his gloves. I slide open my legs further, pressing the apex of my body closer to his. I feel him happily oblige, stepping closer into me as the hand over my ass travels up to the side of my face, pressing his thumb against my cheekbone and the rest of his fingers curling underneath my jaw, in a similar fashion to how he had only the night before.

A sudden rustling within the bushes ahead of us stills his lips against mine, both of our eyes snapping open at the exact same moment to view each other head on. He spins around, his cape billowing outward as his hand retracts to his saber, clipped to his belt and ready to be ignited at a moments notice. Breathlessly, I step out beside him, although he has purposely placed himself to block me from whatever potential danger that lies beyond us.

He takes a few steps forward, his opposite hand placed behind him, silently instructing me to stay where I was. I ignore his insistence, my fingers ghosting over my electrostaff, itching to power it on the  _ moment  _ I felt it was right.

The rustling has grown louder, unashamed, unfrightened as whoever within the bush shakes the leaves around. The Commander’s senses are overwhelmed, already fired up from our kissing stint that has brought both of our focus to a height.

“Show yourself.” He orders, having gone from affectionate and tender to forceful and  _ menacing  _ within the matter of a few fleeting moments. I would have blushed at how versatile of a man he is, if it had not been for whomever within the bush.

Out pops a small boot from the side of the bush, attached to a tiny leg. My heart stills, hearing soft groans come from within the bush, struggling to free the rest of their body. I can feel the Commander’s confusion rise within him, standing over his body as it conjoins with my own. We stare in awe of a small child, a little girl, that steps out and into view.

My heart promptly sinks at the sight of her, immediately stepping to the side of the Commander and placing a hand on his bicep. I feel him flinch beneath my grasp, his gaze fixated on her as she stands only a few feet away. 

Her boots are mismatched, her hair is blonde and short as it is ruffled up, sticking out in all different directions. Dirt stains her freckled cheeks and her clothes, dried up leaves pinned against her clothing. Commander Ren doesn’t know what to make of this, apprehensive of who this child belonged to.

“I wasn’t here for long… honest.” The little girl interjects before we could say anything, but I am sure it would have taken us a bit to conjure something up at such a sight, pulled from thin air. “I heard something and—and wanted to see what it was.” She rambles, my chest already swelling with need to help her. She sounds and looks to be no older than six, her curious mind understandably leading her to the Commander and I.

“Would you play with us?” She adds, hopeful, a glimmer of excitement dotting her eyes as she takes a few steps closer. Her tiny hand raises, hoping for me to grab it in acceptance. I shudder at the sight. The Order had trained me better, raised me better than to fall prey to traps such as this. 

This little girl had demonstrated every possible tactic to lure me in: her demeanor, her tattered clothing, her curiosity, on her own in the forest. On the other hand, she had  _ also  _ successfully tugged on each string that led to my heart, orchestrating them as if she did this for a living. 

Despite what the Order had drilled into my mind since the day they had captured me, I willingly step past every red flag on my way up to her, grabbing her small, extended hand within my own.

Still, at a loss of words, I turn behind to send a look to Commander Ren, one to the tune of, “ _ How could I ever say no to this?” _ Hoping he understood full well how easily I was swayed by children,  _ especially  _ the kind that seemed to need help. 

He blinks, his sharpened features finally softening as he observes the little girl’s hand in mine. I can tell he wants to continue on walking away from here, not wishing to disturb any of the planet’s residents, as they were seemingly no help to us in finding a Resistance base—so many in the past had rather stayed out of political conflicts all together.

I reach out my hand to him, similar to how the young girl had with me, wiggling my fingers and hoping he’d follow along. He grabs his helmet, tucking it away behind his cape, before removing his gloves and latching his fingers against mine. My mind buzzes at the contact, shooting him a small smile as the little girl tow’s us along.

And then we see it, a handful of yards away, tucked away between the trees and the tall brush surrounding them, locating the rest of the children. My heart palpitates at the sight of them, ripe for the picking. I swat away the idea, having no intentions of doing such a thing, especially since they seemed to be native to the planet.

All ranging from ages four to seven or maybe eight, they play amongst themselves, but they do so  _ impressively _ quiet. They have no special toys to play with, only each other or what is around them, creating dolls and figures with sticks and stems, other kinds of objects with leaves and tree bark. The little girl lets go of my hand as I stand beside the Commander, our fingers still laced together, brushing against our legs and dangling between us. 

The children look at us excitedly, completely unaware of our abilities within the force, unaware we were valuable members of the First Order—I am dumbfounded that our appearance, clothed in the darkest black from head to toe, does not phase them in the slightest. The force surrounding us seems to send vibrational waves around him and I, quite different than I had ever experienced so far. A warmth glowing inside of me at the sight of them, with nowhere in particular to go, nobody to show them the way. Bright little minds  _ waiting  _ for some kind of stimulation. Things felt easy within this moment as I stood beside him, right, even. It wasn’t easy to decipher, but gods, did it feel  _ good. _

“Hello.” I tell them softly, the Commander giving them the slight nod of his head. Some verbally greet us back, while others wave or nod their heads in our direction. The same little girl we had once stumbled upon takes my hand once more, guiding me deeper into the crowd of children. She plops down to the ground, insisting we do the same.

I sit, the ground not too uncomfortable as I am seated upon layers and layers of dead leaves. Ren sat down beside me, unsure of what to make of all of this. Immediately the others approach to greet us even further, gathering around our arms and legs, filing in between the Commander and I, a slurry of giggles and greetings filling in the cracks between each child. I sit and greet them, not aware of how much time we would spend here with them, not aware of  _ how  _ I managed the Commander to come with me to meet them.

Different sets of tiny hands scale our clothing, gripping the fabric and trying to make sense of such durability, as the clothing they wore consisted of a rag-like fabric. Fingers press into the different pleats in my sleeves, tracing over the weapons on my belt that were thankfully concealed and covered for safety reasons. I also see the Commander carefully positioning his lightsaber away from the others as they close in on him, hastily hiding the weapon within the depths of his cape, shielding it away from potential questions or any sudden realization that could wipe over the children. Different children take to the ends of his cape, marvelling at the material and even attempting to hide under it.

I inspect his interactions with different children, my chest warming much like the time I had observed him with the baby from Ithor. He seemed to take to children with a kindness he didn’t exude too often around others, unless it were just him and I. Such feelings rousing within me makes me ponder the idea of him with children of his own, someday. How much kindness he would supply them with, more than I could understand now, surely. The thought overwhelms me.

“Did you go into town for your boots?” A little boy shyly asks, his fingers pinching the metal buckles on the side. I roll my lips together and nod, coming down from my thoughts, also unsure of how many lies I would have to string together for them. I hear giggles from my side, a little girl admiring Ren’s hair. Another twinge within my chest at the sight of it. I turn my head back to the boy. He nods, believing me, more interested in how shiny the boots had remained over the many times he rubbed his fingers against them.

One of the little girls returns after having left for a short amount of time, taking a seat between the Commander and I. She reaches into the pockets of her shirt to open her hand full of small, blue flowers, keeping her grasp gentle enough not to crush them. She begins pinning some into my hair as another girl steps behind me, taking small fists full as big as she could manage of my hair, attempting to section off even pieces from what it had felt like. 

I watch as one of the girls turns to the Commander, who was busy listening to one of the other little boys tell him how badly he wanted to be a pilot. Ren had entertained the boy, commenting on how he once knew a very talented pilot, and how much hard work it would take in order to become one. I feel my breath lodge in my throat, a lump I am unable to swallow down as I feel it grow, overcome by every single light hearted feeling travelling from himself to me. He had grown more and more comfortable by simply spending time and conversing with the children. I apprehended his cue to leave at some point, as this was dangerous, playing as sitting ducks for any kind of potential Resistance member to lurk around the corner. To my surprise, this wasn’t the case.

That little girl begins sticking the blue flowers into his rippling waves of raven hair, gathering his attention as he slowly turns to her to acknowledge what she was doing. He peers to me, his face glowing red as my chest glows with something similar at the sight of him. He stays put in order for her to continue styling his hair. I give him a sweet grin, trickling my eyes down as I find it hard to keep eye contact with him, the lump in my throat swelling to new sizes. Instead, I observed another little girl that had cozied herself close to his side, his cape acting somewhat like a blanket for her as she seemed to be very close to falling into a deep sleep.

We spend some time just like this, answering the children’s questions, Ren and I both enjoying company that wasn’t hostile or as combative as what we were used to. When the Commander isn’t shutting his eyes, enjoying the peaceful atmosphere around us, he stares at me, or stares at my side profile as I feel him doing so. I can only stomach this for so long, being able to hold his gaze until my insides furl up and force my heart to beat to a stronger pattern than I was accustomed to. 

The kind of expression he sports is calmed and collected, maybe even relieved to have some time away from the troopers as well as the mission. It’s the kind of look that makes me want to  _ take  _ him right then and there—the children quite literally draped over the two of us serving as a realistic reminder of what such implications my mind was connecting together could lead to.

I feel the tug on my scalp as the little girl is better fashioning my locks into some kind of hair style, my long strands swept off of my back and piled on the top of my head. The little girl apologizes for the sudden tug as I pick up one of the small flowers that had fallen from the Commander’s head and onto his lap, securing it back where it belonged behind his ear. I don’t fight the urge to trail the tips of my fingers over his temple, brushing over his cheekbone and caressing his jaw line—which was at ease, no longer in its tensed or strongly flexed state.

“Are you playing pretend husband and wife, or are you really married?” One of the observant little girls at my feet blurts out quickly, her tiny fingers fast at work while trying to push the stems of the delicate, blue flowers through the material of my pants. The force around me grows thin, bashful, I don’t have to turn to the Commander to see him blushing, as I feel the heat that radiates from him while jarring the space between us.

I straighten my back as my posture corrects, my hands growing clammy while I fumbled over my response to the girl. I find it quite hard to lie, although it is not something I would say I’d  _ never  _ want—it was just hard to even  _ pretend  _ for a few minutes, letting children believe we were together in the closest way possible. Maybe it was because I could sense his sudden unease, maybe it because his was mixing and entangling within my own, or maybe it was—

“We’ve been married for a few years now.” Commander Ren says coolly—so coolly, I might add, that his words wash over my unease, ridding me of any amount of bashfulness that was possible of arising within that moment. I turned to him, his expression curious and intrigued, liking this game of pretend we were playing together, all the while the children had no idea.

“My—how long has it been… two? Three?” He begins, his deep brown eyes—with my favorite golden specs within them—averting off to the tops of the trees while mid thought, really trying to sell our ‘marriage’ to these children, who would most likely not ever know any better. I rub my lips together to fight off how badly I yearned to gleam at him, nodding my head.

“Three years, I believe.”

He nods as well, the slight raise of his brow as he seems to be fighting off the same kind of gleam I had been.

“Yes, yes I think that’s right.”

Everything else seems to fade out around us, as we hold each other’s stare. That imaginary, or  _ not  _ so imaginary string leading from him to me felt to be reaching its peak physicality, never having felt so strong and so impenetrable for however long it had run between us, connecting us. His eyes have seemed to lose the deep brown on the outsides of his irises, now mainly a golden brown taking over completely. It was almost as if the more his face reddened because of how deeply he was smiling, the more his eyes seemed to lighten up.

The little girl releases a sigh beside my boots, her voice nearly high enough for me to recognize as I gaze deeply into the Commander, appreciating him and all he was. 

“I wish I could  _ stop  _ playing pretend like you two have—at least for a little while.”

She holds enough power this time around to bring me back to the grassy corner we sat in, still surrounded by chatty children, still keeping quiet as they play and keep to themselves. I finally break eye contact with the Commander, turning to give the little girl an apathetic stare. I think of all I could say to her, as the little girl behind me twists my hair tighter and tighter onto the back of my head, having split the amount of my hair into two even sections. 

I want to tell her that things  _ do  _ get better in the future—that time surely does transform your life as you put in hard work. Or at least, something or someone comes along and changes your perspective, giving your life a new meaning; something or someone that is able to change the colors around you to a different hue than you had ever thought was possible to experience. Gods, I could have told her  _ all  _ of that and more. But she spoke before I had the chance to.

“We were told to play pretend while the adults are out making sure the enemy doesn’t find us.”

My focus sharpens, exacting on the young girl as if she were my prey, analyzing every bit of what she had just admitted to us. Hoping,  _ praying  _ that it wasn’t true—that things weren’t adding up the way my mind so easily had accomplished. “I’m getting tired of waiting for them.” The girl adds, growing more and more solemn. The Commander tenses beside me, throwing rapid waves of vehemence and resentment that crash into me just as he catches on, having found and pieced together the same pieces of the puzzle I had.

“There, just like the General!” The little girl behind me exclaims, finishing my hairstyle as her little hands pat my shoulders. I furrow my brow, not wishing to believe she had been referring to who I thought she was.

My head turns to Ren, his now darkened eyes caught in my hair, the subtle twitch of his eye as they stay glued to the top of my head. I raise a shaky hand, feeling the two neat buns the girl behind me had fashioned on to the top of my head. His face is stoic again, I hate the sight of it, devoid of all emotions other than the default,  _ anger. _

“Commander, please.” I let out, entangled within a breathy sigh, no louder than a whisper. I place my hand over his own, feeling the slight twitch of his fingers the moment we meet. His eyes finally snap down to mine, revealing just how angry he had grown in so little time—maybe the most livid I had seen him ever since we had admitted our feelings for each other.

He can hardly contain it, spilling out through the incessant jerk of his lips, how small and pin pointed his pupils had shrunk, focusing so intently on me as if he were trying to drown out everything he had just learned of, or maybe he was trying to dig even deeper, attempting to find the flaw. His fist coils in the dirt beneath my touch, never reacting to the warmth I was trying so desperately to remind him of, trying to give it to him.

_ We can leave, they do not have to be involved in this. _

I beg softly, scarce tears already compromising my waterline, sending this message out to him although he is only about a foot or two away. He pushes off the ground, rising to his feet without uttering a single word, not bothering to send a glance to me or any of the children surrounding us. He storms off due north, quickly leaving the small camp, as well as myself behind him without a second thought.

I fumble in the dirt, sealing my mouth shut as I feel my bottom lip begin to quiver. I almost take off in his direction as I promptly stand to my feet, without second thought for the children as I am in panic mode, but the gentle tug backward on my shirt sleeve gathers my attention, slowing me back down and alerting me of the present. She gives me a confused look, my brow wants to furrow but I do not let it, trying to remain as calm as I can for the children’s sake.

With my hand placed on her shoulder, I utter my words quietly and carefully, deflecting as much fear as I can in order to better sell my point. “You’ll need to play one more game for me while I get going.” I tell her with my faked sternness, despite the nasty tremor rooted in my shoulders that had spread out to my grasp, rattling the girl lightly. I pray to any of the gods above me that this doesn’t tarnish my validity. She takes notice in how unnerved I had quickly become, seeming utterly confused. I couldn’t blame her.

“I don’t want to play pretend, something’s wrong.” She says, the observant child’s brow seeming permanently stuck together as she thinks through the possibilities as to why the Commander had up and left so quickly. Another, younger girl stands by, also having noticed what had happened. Probably no older than four—my throat clamps shut upon realization, my heart rippling unsteadily and skipping a few beats in my chest.  _ Too  _ similar,  _ too  _ familiar… she was too damned close to the age I was when I was taken from my home planet.

I gnash my teeth down onto my lip, shaking my head as I say a silent prayer, hoping for my tears to be kept at bay before they were to spill over. “No, no. There is nothing for you to worry about. I just… my  _ husband  _ and I need to get going, that is all.” I tell her, wincing softly as I lie to her, hoping it wasn’t too obvious. 

I narrow my eyes as I look out to the north, seeing no trace of the Commander in sight. No matter how far he was, I still felt his anger, expanding outward, pulsing through the branches of the trees, passing and entangling through each individual leaf. 

My stomach churns, unsure of where he would have gone,  _ undoubtedly  _ sure he would want to place as much distance between himself and these children after learning what organization they belonged to.  _ Who  _ they were in regards to us.

“I’m sorry.” She says, the four year old girl then stepping closer beside her, acknowledging my fear. I tear my eyes away from the younger one to gaze upon the older one, placing my palms on top of her shoulders. I reposition her, gaining some strength in my voice as well as my ability to convince her.

“I need to go make things right with him, while you wait here  _ quietly  _ for the adults to return.” The child nods as she heeds my words, although this isn’t what she wanted. I can feel the child’s intent, wanting more from this interaction, the slightest inclination to follow me as I leave, to see what had bothered the Commander so, to see who we were and where we were truly headed.

The child wants so badly to play for the rest of the day with myself and Ren, introducing us to the adults that were soon to return. Maybe hoping the Commander and I would stay, adding ourselves to the organization. She had already begun to see me as a positive, female figure in her life, during the short amount of time I had spent with her.

My lip continues to tremble more rampantly, wishing I could be  _ that _ for her, amounting to everything she had built me up as within her impressionable mind, seemingly having no solid parental figure. Always having many around her, nobody ever moving in close enough to form a lasting, genuine bond.

I press my eyes shut, a tear mistakenly slipping through my lashes to roll down my cheek as I sigh. I can feel the child’s confusion long before I open my eyes, stepping back and letting go to feel even  _ worse  _ as I observe the expression staining her face, etched onto her features. The girl reaches out to entangle her fingers within mine, I let her do so for a moment before I break away and release her grip. 

“Attention, children.” I call out, dampening my voice just enough not to be heard from nearby. Little heads turn in my direction, giving me all of their focus, every ounce of it. As they most definitely had practiced in the past. My lips quiver and my fingers fumble into knots at my sides, far too much to successfully hide the sadness within my words—wishing to stay there with them, wishing for the Commander to see things differently. 

I can sense just how much  _ room  _ they had within their minds to learn new things, eager for an adult figure to show them the ways of life, in any kind of aspect. Eager for some kind of  _ contact. _

“You will not remember, nor ever speak of my husband and I from this point on.”

Their eyes quickly glaze over, a thick sheen coating their gaze as they stare deep within me, hearing my every word as if it were gospel. Their brows are wide as they retain the information, mouths ajar as their posture straightens. They repeat everything I had said, word for word, in  _ terrifying  _ unison.

“We will not remember, nor ever speak of you and your husband from this point on.”

I nod to them, although I do not have to, as it is useless to. My browline finally knits together after having wanted to for so long. I place a hand over my mouth, looking over them one last time before running off north and out of their view, wishing not to ruin the trance I had successfully laid out over them.

I run as quickly as I can, as far as I can manage until I feel as if I can let out a sob without even the most curious of boots to somehow find me once more. I stop, in an area thickened with bushes and low hanging vines covered in moss and leaves. I wipe my eyes, I rub my cheeks. I cover my mouth and shake my head, crouching down and resting my chin against my knees as I quietly cry. 

I can  _ still  _ feel her, wondering and waiting for the return of the adults. Still hating the game they were playing, wishing to no longer hide from the enemy.  _ Still  _ yearning for an adult to connect with.

My fingers rake against my scalp, pulling out the ties that kept my hair into the two buns on top of my head. I shake through the buns, the strands of hair unfurling and falling about my shoulders and backside, blue petals scattering around the ground in front of me, some still tangled within my locks.

That little girl would remember nothing of the warmth she gathered from me, nor the small amount of time she got to pretend things were normal with the Commander and I. As if nothing ever happened, the child would go back to wishing, go back to hoping for someone solid in her life. A teacher that didn't get up and leave as often as they did. 

Each child was pained differently, but ultimately wanted the same thing at the end of the day. Especially the young girl, reminding me so much of myself. As badly as I wanted to stay with them, there was no fiber within me that would be compliant in giving her the same fate as I was dealt at her age. I wouldn’t be the one to sign off on deciding her future for her… at least, not within the First Order.

The little girl’s heartache was strong even beyond several yards away, having clipped at my heels as I ran from it, beckoning me back as if it were my duty to be there for them, to  _ teach  _ them. All of them.

I continue my hushed cries, teetering on the edge of going back, warning them, telling them to run as far away from here as possible. Another part of me—the utterly unrealistic part—wished I could corral all of the stray children on this damned planet onto one shuttle, flying them though the galaxy to the safest planet possible, one on the furthest outskirts of the outer rim, far away from the Resistance, far away from the First Order and the never ending political battle between the two, as well as all of those who were caught in the middle. Somewhere safe from those who viewed these children as  _ pawns,  _ undeveloped brains ready for the taking.

I dig the heels of my boots further into the softened earth, knowing that was one unrealistic dream that could  _ never  _ come true. Quick paces approaching me grounds me into the present, really driving home how outlandish of an idea this truly was. I stand to my feet, my gaze glued to the ground as I feel how puffy and sore my eyes have grown.

He comes to a stop before me, the sound of his leather gloves scrunching and creasing as he balls one of his hands into a fist, relentlessly flexing and unflexing. “You know  _ well  _ enough that we should take them back to base. It is against the Order’s wishes to—”

“I do not care about the Order in this moment.” I interject him as my voice breaks down the middle, huffing out somberly as I eye a clump of grass just a few feet in front of me. I want to continue crying, but I keep it together as best as I can, just barely, peaking through irritated eyes. I hear him sigh, his gloved hand sliding across his helmet. I don’t care enough to peek into his mind, his intent traveling across the space between us on its own. I’m too melancholic to read into it, feeling so torn between the options that were displayed before me.

His voice is lower, much more kind but just as thorough as before. “You care for them, that is clear to me—but you know better than to turn away bright minds, sitting out in the middle of nowhere for  _ anyone  _ to discover them.” He tries to sound as convincing as he can, while also seeming secured in his side of the argument. Never faltering when it comes to the Order, or his master’s wishes.

“I speak more knowledgeably and self assured than anyone else when I say that we already have  _ enough.” _

And we really did, back at base. Probably too many, having to add new barracks for the children as they were overflowing, having reached capacity  _ long  _ ago. But I was sure this wasn’t kept up to date with the Commander.

Too many times I had flanked missions during the discovery of lone children, taking them in, willing or not, and claiming them as our own to train and add to the cause. It was never easy, it never made me feel the same sense of pride those around me felt as our cause became stronger. It dwindled my sanity, aggravating my mood, tarnishing my sleep. Now, the only difference was that the  _ two  _ of us had discovered them, nobody else. They still had a chance to hide, to make it out from the impending clutches of the Order. Although the Order doesn’t ever care about these things, these children already  _ belonged  _ to someone. I wouldn’t be the one to tear them away from that, Resistance members or not.

“We don’t care about that, it’s our duty to take them in as our own in the event of discovery.” He says even softer, stepping in closer. I finally look up at him. I have grown livid within my mournfulness, angry with myself, angry with the Order, angry with the cards I had been dealt at such a young age. Angry at the fact that those children just  _ sat  _ there, wasting away during their most impressionable, most important years.

When I look at him I seem to crash, acknowledging the small, blue flowers that still lined his hair. His face is understanding and softened, seeming to know how I felt, but still knowing how to differentiate the right call to make, and the right call the Order would  _ want  _ me to make.

“I cannot bring myself to take them, leveling out to the same playing field of those who decided my future when I was their age.”

I shudder, tearing my gaze away and stepping off to the side. I don’t want him too close to me, I don’t want the feelings that reside within me  _ dedicated  _ to him to sway my adamance toward this situation. I know he means well, I know he cares for me and feels what I am feeling—but I do not wish to get caught up in him, as I know I have the full capacity of doing so.

He feels my intent, my conflict. He is a bit pained to see my step away from him, although he understands why I have done so—he speaks up.

“You cannot save every child you come across—that isn’t your duty, you don’t owe them or any lone child within the galaxy  _ anything _ .”

It is hard to hear him utter those words, a bit stronger this time around as he pines to convince me. I felt the exact opposite of the meaning they held. Relentlessly feeling the drive to lend a helping hand to those who were like me, those who I saw myself within, hoping to give them a better chance. Giving them a  _ decision,  _ unlike me. 

A sob breaks free as I part my lips, clearing my throat and growing angry with myself as I cannot form sentences without the deep shudder within my throat, bouncing my words off of my tongue just like a young, worked up child would within their broken hearted cries.

“I am  _ not  _ going to turn into who I despise the most.”

A sudden twinge lights up the back of my mind, taking me out of the present and sending my consciousness elsewhere. Something washes over me, momentarily, as if I had stepped into a dream. There is a strong urge from something that calls out for my attention, attempting to guide me. It rattles my thoughts so thoroughly as it tugs away at my being, I almost forget where I am until I feel a sturdy hand set upon my shoulder.

My sight focuses back on the Commander, standing before me as I peer through the slits of my fingers. I remove my hand from my eyes, not remembering having placed them there, blinking and recalling what we had talked about… five… ten minutes ago it seemed?

He steps in closer, his helmet placed on the ground by our boots. His gloved hands meet the sides of my face, cradling me as his expression is overtaken by worry. “Where did you just go?” He asks slowly, wracked with worry, asking although he is unsure I can even comprehend it.

“That is not a routine measure of the force—let me take you back to the shuttle.” He adds, his gloved thumb rubbing against my skin, sensing he was ready to leave this behind us for my sake. I shake my head, stepping out of his secure grasp and rubbing my forehead.

“I don’t want to change the subject.” I tell him, taking a few paces away as I regain full memory of our previous conversation, the longing stemming from my worry and sudden confusion fading, replaced by the rising irritability he had supplied me with, thanks to his own reasoning.

He gruffs, growing a bit impatient every time I distance myself from him, shaking his head. “I apologise if this impedes your morals, but they are to be taken back to base. Promptly… the sooner the better.” He says a bit more confidently, no suggesting, no debating or bargaining with me. Simply calling it like he had seen it,  _ almost  _ speaking to me as if I were anyone else, his own irritation for the situation rising with his words. He wasn’t the only one.

I step further back, getting a better look at him. Seemingly forgetting all together who he was, the power he held, even over me. “I’m not taking them  _ anywhere,  _ we almost hadn’t discovered them at all. We can forget them and move on.” I say through partially grit teeth with the same kind of confidence, feeling my face flush as my blood cycles faster and faster throughout my body.

Now his face crumples, stalking quickly toward me, hands balled into fists that sway at his sides. “Have you forgotten the fate of those within the Order who hold onto secrets?” He sounds off, sticking his face toward mine to ensure I heard every syllable for every word he spoke. His own face is reddened, brows sharp and exacted as his eyes never leave mine. He hunches down over me as I grit my teeth and snap my head back to gaze up at him, my body quivering belligerently in my boots.

I slow, as my breathing cannot seem to do the same, mulling over his words as our eyes remain glued on one another. “You’re the one who makes that call.” I let out above a whisper, my heated words quavering as I spill them from my lips, barely able to make them out correctly. He was the one who ultimately dealt with traders within The Order.  _ Ending  _ their lives. 

I watch as his browline finally softens, the darkness pooling in his eyes still swirling as his expression loses the wrathfulness he once held for me. He huffs, mulling over my own words, his eyes finally falling to the ground between us. I let him have his moment of introspection, piecing together his words carefully.

“I will not standby and let you die for this.”

It was exhausting, how he could supply me with such anger, building me up to new heights I had never visited, while also having the same reach within him to tear it all down within moments, setting me back down into a cool kind of ease. 

My chest pains as I observe him, almost ashamed to be admitting something like this out loud. Something so personal that he usually would have supplied me with this kind of message through the force. I grimace, leaning into him and placing my palms on either side of his face. I sigh against him, pressing my forehead against his as he is still hunched over. I cannot find the right words to say within the moment, but I do feel how rampant his thoughts had grown. I smoothen the peaks within his mind as best I can, nowhere near as well as he had for me in the past. It’s a small gesture, although I know he could accomplish it on his own if he really wished to.

He places his hands on my upper arms, steering my body back to better look at me. “I understand your hesitancy as well as your reasoning.” He tells me softly, those darkened eyes slowly fading into a warmer amber that I knew and looked forward to so often. “I will not make you do this, you head back to the shuttle and I will take care of it.”

I open my mouth to protest, although I know he is right, but he silences me with a kiss to my forehead, sighing against my skin as he lets his lips rest against me for a few moments. I lean into it, thumbing his cheekbones as I press my eyes shut. He steps away and I nod, unable to hide the disappointed look I was undoubtedly giving off. He grasps my hand, guiding me back the way we had come, toward the small camp of children.

We move quickly and stealthily, our boots falling quietly into the dirt. His fingers are wound around mine in a protective fashion, thumb sliding up and down my own as I am constantly checking my surroundings. I have the force to help guide me through every tree, every bush and every leaf around us, apprehending even the smallest crunch or crack off in the distance, but I cannot retain peace of mind without looking over my shoulder every passing few moments.

Although they are quiet, I can hear the children playing amongst themselves as we slow, coming to a stop. I hear him sigh, most definitely feeling the dismay I have given off so strongly. He turns to me, hand still holding my own.

“I’ll make it quick, they won’t remember a single day within the Resistance.” He tells me quietly, the authentic rumble in his voice providing me with a bit more ease, knowing he meant it. I nod, tensing my jaw as I look out to where the camp was located. It was better this way, although I hated the idea of it as a whole. Erasing any trace of their prior relationships with those they had grown up with, as compared to holding onto it as they grow older, questioning the meaning to their lives.

The Commander takes a step closer, his head bending down in my direction. I turn to him, his head tilting, lips meeting mine for a soft and sensual kiss. He transfers me his confidence, as well as his reasoning all summarized neatly for me to understand. He knew this was difficult for me, but this wasn’t a situation able to be rationalized—not for two members of The First Order.

Our lips part, lingering gently against one another as the sweet warmth of his breath mixes with my own. The tip of my nose is nudged against his, sliding against each other as he stands back, reluctantly unfastening his fingers from mine. He stalls for a moment once he has lifted his helmet, securing it on his shoulders. He takes me in before walking off on the straight path before him as I veer off to the left, planning on going around the backside of the small camp.

I stamp quickly onto dampened leaves lining the ground, releasing a wet, crunching sound as the moisture is drawn out. I walk along the outskirts and curve as far out to the left as I can while still minding the direction I was headed, back to the shuttle. 

I take in this time I have to myself, reflecting on the day, how nice of a morning I got to spend with him as the sun rose over the tops of the mountains in the distance. I try to think of all the goodness that patience had brought me through time. Patience had brought me my position, having worked long and hard for many days and nights to achieve. 

Or, Captain Phasma had been slain, supplying me with this higher authority, stacking even more duties onto my already-full plate. 

Patience had brought me the Commander, and all the affection he held for me, after having waited so long for him to finally acknowledge, to express what we  _ both _ felt for each other since the very beginning. 

Or, the deliverance of my death was breaking point to coax him into finally admitting these feelings between us.

Patience  _ could _ bring me a better devotion to the Order, which felt to be faltering within my grasp. Patience could make me see that we were taking in these children from the  _ enemy,  _ where we could make them into something extraordinary, adding them to our ever-growing collection to help our cause.

Or maybe  _ we  _ were the enemy, snatching children that already belonged to families, uprooting their lives, tearing relationships limb from limb.

My frame tenses as I feel similar fluctuations throughout my mind, pulling, tugging in the same direction as the previous time. Purposely I walk through it, intending on shoving the feeling off to the side, but the demand of the feeling is too overwhelming. I flinch my eyes shut, groaning, the relentless pull not only grasping upon my mind, but also my thoughts, urging me to seek out whatever this feeling wanted me to so desperately find.

_ No  _ part of this is familiar to me—it begins to chip away at my sanity, scaring me deeply of  _ what  _ exactly could be out there, calling to me so intently, with such power behind its reach. It is unlike anything I have ever learned or attempted within the force; but I entertain the idea regardless, pushing my mind outward, trying to make sense of what could lie on the opposite end. Like trying something new for the first time without understanding  _ how _ or  _ why _ I was doing it. Reaching out into thin air, unsure of what to expect out of it, only looking for a shred of familiarity.

I come to a stop, rubbing my fingers across my forehead, attempting to alleviate the strain. Nothing more than a growing headache, but gods, was it resolute, absolutely determined in persuading me to finally fall in line. I knew it had not been the force’s will, just like Ren had mentioned, nothing like how it had guided me in the past. This was different, this was no wisping wind that gathered around my shoulders to sway me along the path it had created. This had  _ something  _ reaching out to me,  _ meant  _ for me.

“This makes  _ no  _ sense.” I groaned to myself through clenched teeth, the space between my brows now pulsating with need. I continue dragging my fingers against my skin, kneading into the focal point of where the ache had blossomed.

The sound of crunching leaves distances me from such a feeling, drawing me back to the present, where only the remnants of a minor headache could be found, my fingers twitching with distress and utter confusion.

My eyes open to the same little girl Ren and I had once stumbled upon. Previously in a bush, now she resided behind a tree, her tiny frame completely hidden behind it as her head peeks out. She tries to hide once I notice her, but her curious head pops out once more as she understands I was already well aware of her hiding spot.

“I wasn’t here for long… honest.” She says, furrowing her brow and shaking her head to further her story. My mouth grows dry, already having been through this with her today, despite the knowledge of it from her end. I simply stare, taking her in, my body a bit bogged down due to the sudden ejection from reality my mind had so recently adopted.

I remember where I was going, where I needed to be,  _ who  _ she was intended to be with at this very moment. I shake my head, placing a finger to my lips and widening my eyes. She nods, hunching down a bit as she steps out from behind the tree, pressing her backside to it to face me better, shielding herself from whatever could lurk up behind her.

I feel her intent behind those rosy cheeks—she’s afraid, having seen the Commander approaching the group of children and motioning them closer to him. I step closer to her, placing a hand on her shoulder, her body leaning in to my side as she breathes out a shaky breath. I have to sift through the wanton urge for a mother figure within her mind, yearning so desperately to tell her how much I could relate with her. Instead I push forward, despite how badly I want to be what she needs.

She happened to be walking amongst the trees while she had seen the Commander approaching, calling out to the others. She watched as her peers stood to their feet, following his orders. She stood within the bunched up vines, blocking his view of her completely. He had called out to the children, asking them to “ _ Follow me, no questions, no sounds.” _

She had been so startled to see those around her follow the man in the mask with no questions asked, at the very moment he turned on his heel to leave. They followed him in an orderly fashion, quietly marching behind her without ever turning back to consider her, completely compliant.

I withdraw from her memories, residing in the present with a lengthy sigh. My eyes scan our surroundings, passing through each branch and vine hanging in my way. I quiet my breathing, unable to hear the hoard of children I knew the Commander was surely guiding back to the Finalizer as the two of us stood here—unless he had accounted for his loss and was searching for  _ her. _

My eyes snap back to her, content with hanging by my side, her glossy eyes searching around us, most definitely apprehending the fearsome man in the black robes and dreadful mask, terrified of the possibility of him appearing through the tall vegetation. She unknowingly sends out her anguish, hurt that her friends had left her behind without a second thought. She didn’t know what to make of it, only knowing that the man in darkened robes only brought her pain—she was smart enough to understand that it wasn’t safe to follow after them to get their attention, as badly as she wanted to try.

I rub her shoulder, crouching down in front of her to look eye to eye. She is unable to tell me her story, too distressed to recall what she had just witnessed, unable to understand  _ why  _ he had taken her friends,  _ where  _ exactly he was taking them. I want to ease her worry, I want to smoothen out all the rigid and razor sharp peaks in her mind, supplying her with the notion that her friends would be fine, that  _ she  _ would be fine. But, I knew that time was of the essence. If I wanted to save her, as well as her future, she needed to go.  _ Now. _

“You will not remember me. You will not remember the man in the mask.”

Her eyes still, her posture straightening out as her bottom lip stops quivering.

“I will not remember you. I will not remember the man in the mask.”

I nod, licking my lips and planning this out as carefully as I could.

“ _ Creatures  _ took your friends, they headed east. But you escaped them.”

“Creatures took my friends, they headed east. But I escaped them.”

I nod out of habit, even though I know she cannot acknowledge my praise. The only thing I pick up from her is a cold, numbing silence within her mind, at the ready to heed my instruction. It’s unnerving to tap in to, to enter such a vast and emptied mind. Much like Phasma’s, while I resided in her memories the very moment she died.

“You will run north. You will look for the adults, to tell them what happened. You will not stop until you find them. You will not stop for anyone but  _ them. _ ”

“I will run north. I will look for the adults, to tell them what happened. I will not stop until I find them. I will not stop for anyone but them.”

I break the connection with her, rising to my feet and stepping back to give her space. She holds the same expression all throughout the last few moments I observe her, before she turns on her heel, running and dodging low hanging vines that got in her way, following my instruction and heading north.

I huff, turning on my own heel to high tail it out of the area. My mind feels fogged, unsure if I had done the right, or the wrong thing. Knowing well enough no matter what outcome I could have planned for, I would have let myself, the Order, or the Commander down in  _ some  _ way. I continue treading through the leaves stacked upon the ground, different thorny branches getting caught on the material of my uniform and tugging on the fabric.

I made it back to where Ren’s shuttle, as well as the Finalizer had been located, relieved to see he and the children hadn’t arrived yet. I wish to strip my clothing, to shed my skin, stepping away from the sickening feeling that twisted tightly within my gut, containing the knowledge of what I had done. I peer around me for anyone that could see, motioning the ramp of the shuttle down with the twist of my fingers once I knew the coast was clear.

I take a seat on the ramp, expanding my legs outward and leaning forward to stretch my arms as well, the tips of my fingers ghosting over the buckles of my boots. I then pull my legs in, wrapping my arms around my shins and settling my chin down on my knee. I wish so badly to rid my mind of the thinking pattern it was falling into, much like the shower I had taken only the night before. I see there is no stopping it—I fall in.

It ate away at me, the feeling of uncertainty. I  _ did  _ want that little girl to form a lasting bond with someone she could look up to, someone she could seek out whenever she needed guidance. I did  _ not  _ want her to become indoctrinated by the Order, forgetting sweet memories she had on this planet with those she had grown close to. 

I also debated whether I had made the right choice, sending her off on her own, possibly sending her to someone else that could capture her, indoctrinating her for themselves. I fear what Commander Ren would think if he ever found out what I had done, going behind his back. Keeping secrets.  _ Betraying  _ the Order.

I do my best to rid my mind of all the above.

I hear the gentle, yet  _ excited  _ whizzing across the panels of the shuttle, bounding around corners as quickly as he could to reach the entrance. Better known as music to my ears in regards to supplying me with something  _ different  _ to occupy my mind, as well as my time with.

“Margot. Return.” My droid beeps, rolling down to my side. I raise an arm to let him slide closer into me, tracing my fingers along the curve of his body, just as I also hear multiple sets of heavy boots stamping into the ground. Torris’ helmet comes into view from afar, around the bend of trees and bushes, tattered and dirty, but alive to his relief, I’m sure.

“Yes, I am happy to see you again.” I tell him, patting his side and setting my palm down upon the ramp. He swivels around and views me better, assessing me for damages, his tiny head tilting upward.

“Hair style. New?”

I frown, my eyes widening as I remember the blue flowers that had been pinned in my hair by the little  _ Resistance  _ girl. I pull my hair out from its elastic as quickly as I can manage, before Torris and the troopers were able to take notice. I entangle my fingers through my hair, shaking and shimmying the flowers out. Tiny, blue petals scatter all across my lap, dotting the ramp to my sides, landing on BB-9 as well.

“Must have snagged on a bush.” I absentmindedly tell the droid, making it look as if I had, instead of someone else having placed them there ever so neatly. I grow sullen at the thought of ruining her work, having spent a few minutes carefully perfecting each flower.

Torris comes into view, nodding to the troopers, letting them disperse off to the side as he approaches the droid and I. I fear of any possible questions about the flowers, about the children or even Ren’s whereabouts. I speak first, although normally, I couldn’t care less to in this kind of situation.

“Look who’s still standing.” I chide at the Officer, whose face is now revealing a tight grin as he motions his helmet off of his shoulders, biting his lip to die down the intensity of said smile. “Thanks to you.” He responds, taking a knee before me on the ramp, sighing to himself to show his relief. I fight off the urge to cringe, these little jabs going absolutely  _ nowhere  _ with me.  _ ‘As long as he doesn’t ask about the flowers…’  _ I remind myself, biting my tongue.

“Nonsense,” I shake my head, “you accomplished that on your own.” I say with confidence, not an ounce of my wording laced with any intent other than its true form, only telling him as I saw it. His smile doesn’t seem to fade, although I wish it would, afraid I was painting him the wrong kind of picture—the one I had been fighting off so intently.

“Thank you for that—earlier. That really helped me out, it meant a lot.”

He speaks to me as if my droid wasn’t right beside me, as if the Commander didn’t have the power to tap in to this conversation if he happened to be close enough. I sigh, shaking my head.

“I’ve given that talk to plenty, I have faith in those the Order chooses as Officers and beyond.” I tell him, standing to my feet, unsure of where I was headed, only trying to distance myself from him. To my dismay, he stands to his feet as well, his eyes trained on my every move.

I can feel his mind although I do not enter too far, filled to the brim with the desire to impress,  _ even  _ the desire to get to know me better. I once again speak as I see his lips parting, hoping to roam from whatever subject matter  _ he  _ could choose, setting the tone of the conversation for the worse, in my opinion.

“What has your search concluded?” I say, a bit clipped, trying to remain as professional as possible with him. Gods, would  _ every _ interaction with men be like this from now on? Would the force give away to  _ any  _ man within the galaxy that had the beginnings of an inclination toward me, ruining my view of them and tarnishing all interactions with them?

His lips close, his eyes roaming from me and to the troopers as we stand. “Nothing yet, Commander Ren comm’d us to return here. Do you know why he’s called upon us so early?”

I shake my head, pressing my lips together, thankful the Officer couldn’t read my thoughts. “We split, and shortly after he comm’d me to head backl. We’ll find out in due time.” I verified, looking out north, able to feel his side of our connection, unable to sense he was approaching just yet.

The Officer nods to himself, turning his head to look in the same direction as I. I can sense his mind rousing up, batting off through different questions to finally step up to the plate with. I raise my hands to my hair, gathering it back up into its ponytail, letting one long strand frame the left side of my face as it usually did, trying to fill the silence between us.

“May I be blunt with you?” He blurts out, suspense clearly lining his words as well as his intent as he stares at the side profile of my body. I fight off the drive to roll my eyes as I can feel those eyes boring into me “That entirely depends.” I sigh, placing no amount of amusement in my wording. “If it isn’t something you would mention to Commander Ren, I would keep it to yourself.” I quipped, pulling the elastic high and tight around the thick bundle of hair, letting the tail fall onto my shoulder as I turned to him. I give him a forewarning stare, reminding him of who he was, who  _ I  _ was and how I was to be treated.

“Do you belong to anyone?” He asks, a little less apprehension this time around. I lay my lips flat, looking away from him as my disappointment in him floods my mind. “I am surprised to see you’re willing to become so  _ personal  _ with our Commander.” I let out, crossing my arms over my chest to somehow create distance between us, no longer willing to respect him if he couldn’t respect me. 

As I have done in the past, I tick this officer in particular off within my mind, adding him to the rest of the members within the Order that stepped past the line of workplace formalities, never caring about respect or personal boundaries. Feeling as if it was alright to do so because I was a woman.

“So that is a no, I’m assuming.” He says, I can hear the smile winding around his words, having never posed it as a question. I shake my head, still refusing to look him in the eye. “I do not belong to anyone, as it’s only for  _ me  _ to decide.”

I can sense him choosing the next quick witted, lowbrow comment to add, but I beat him to the chase. It is a bit risky for me to do so, apprehending a comment before he had even parted his lips. It alludes too closely to my knowledge of the force—I cut in anyways, the Officer having begun to boil my blood despite my warnings. “If you would like to belong to your title for the remainder of your days, you should leave the conversation where I am  _ ending _ it.”

He dares much faster. “You do not wish to belong to anyone, or nobody has yet to claim you?” Curiously stated, attached to a deeper, more ominous meaning he only alluded to. Now I choose to look his way, peering into the smug look casted over his features. I wish I could call him out here and now, like I would have with any pestilent man that dared to rile me up in my earlier twenties, when I was an Officer myself. I sense the Commander approaching, just about to round the corner and into our view.

“Wildly out of your ranking to ask such questions, Officer. That is  _ enough.”  _ I retort, breaking my eyes away from his to walk forward. I make my way down the ramp, BB-9 following close behind as I step onto the leaves scattering the ground. He stays quiet, knowing I had been angered.

I then see the Commander in the distance, walking at a slower pace as the children surrounding him were too young to walk any faster. My heart weakens at the sight, their hazed expressions, deadened eyes and droid-like movements  _ nothing  _ similar to their true nature.

Footfalls thud against the ramp, leaves crunching behind me until the sound follows my side. I feel Torris’ energy looming beside me, as if it were a dark cloud filled with ill intent, as I had just pieced together. Not so much the impressionable young man I thought he was, wanting to do right by the Order while seeking guidance from his superiors. That’s only what he had supplied me with in the beginning, camouflaging the insidious aim he held. 

The mere idea of him following after me, coupled with my resentment toward the Order for  _ instructing  _ us to take in lone children worsens my mood even further, not having been aggravated this way in quite a while. He steps in close, purposely brushing his arm against mine. This was unlike how the Commander executed such a touch—this one in particular being unwanted, cold, despondent from my end.

“I find it hard to believe that  _ nobody  _ has tried to claim such an ample opportunity. Maybe it’s time someone  _ should _ .”

I grow immobile and unresponsive beside him, biting my tongue to repel the urge to respond  _ physically  _ as he stands so close beside me, undoubtedly grinning to himself as the Commander only came closer and closer into view. I wish for him to reach us already, relieving me of having to stand here with the Officer. This man hadn’t wished for my guidance, nor my words of encouragement. He wanted and in—an in somewhere I would not  _ ever  _ grant him permission.

As soon as I felt his fingers ghost the small of my back,  _ attempting  _ to place his daring hand on me as a sign he had won this conversation a few yards away from Commander Ren, I let loose from my rigid state. My right hand balls into a fist, shifting my weight and rocking forward to deck him, square in the face. My knuckles smash into the sturdy bone of his nose, shifting and separating under the anger I had been driven to.

The punch lands, he stumbles back as I quickly shake my hand, sucking in a sharp breath as it pulses with pain, watching him fall amongst the leaves. He shields his face and cowers away, groaning and swearing to himself as he looks up at me through watery eyes, most definitely having fractured his nose. My hand dropped lifelessly to my side, unable to flex my fingers as my whole body shook with my newfound animosity, the Commander approaching from just a few feet away.

“Should have worn your fucking helmet.” I seethed through clenched teeth, my chest heaving and quivering my words as they left my lips. He’s astonished in his spot on the ground, searching my face, turning to the side to take in an eye full of the Commander. I snap my head to him, also noticing how obedient the children behind him are, frozen solid, all observing him while awaiting his command.

“Make yourself presentable, Officer.” He says as he dips his head down toward the man on the ground. Torris merely stares in wonderment at the situation, apparently waiting for some kind of reprimand to follow the injured nose I had just gifted him. Nothing like that would follow, I knew, as the Commander had been wishing to do the same to him from the beginning of the mission.

Torris removes his hand from his face, the scarlet stains contrasting rather harshly against his newly paled skin. He rises slowly, his eyes focused on me, the slightest of grins etched across his bloodied mouth, his features twitching in disdain. He peels his eyes off of me as he turns around, slowly heading to the Finalizer.

The Commander turns to the children, his cape fanning outward as he does so. “Follow him to the room on the left, sit quietly until  _ my  _ instruction.” 

Promptly following in tow of the Officer, they followed instruction, the only sounds coming from them were the crunching vegetation below their mismatched shoes. They fall into a line, walking up the ramp as the Commander lowers it for them as well as the Officer, one by one entering the ship without a word, without a stolen glance or upturn of any kind of facial expression. The last one makes its way onto the ship, my eye develops a twitch as I come to understand  _ more  _ families would be missing their children, searching for them well into the long night, set on finding the creatures that had taken them. 

“Come.” He tells me, walking past and insinuating to follow his command. I try moving my fingers at my side, unable to do so devoid of pain as I trace his steps. The stormtroopers to our side seem a bit off by what they had just witnessed, unsure of what to do with themselves. I nod to them, having once been in their shoes, only hoping they could soon fall at ease.

Commander Ren guides me up the ramp of his shuttle, passing through the entrance calm and collected, the fact that he had taken a group of children not weighing him down as heavily as it did with me. He makes his way down the short hallway, ducking his head as he enters my room to my surprise. I enter as well, his large frame, as well as all that power he held seeming so out of place in such a confined room. He motions to the bed as we both stand there, instructing me to take a seat.

I sit on the edge of the bed as he exits the room, the door hissing shut behind him and leaving me a bit confused. He enters just as I begin to question his return, holding a medical box within his leather grasp. I raise a brow as he sits beside me, popping the levers on the sides of the box free, opening the lid to reveal its contents. He slows, reading my energy as he assesses my demeanor.

“I know you wouldn’t let me heal you over something so minor.”

I rub my lips together, nodding to myself as my eyes scan the room. My fingers lightly skim the tops of my raw knuckles, numbed of any feeling other than the pulsing ache that didn’t seem to relent. Much like my mind, in a way, still finding it hard to sit with the fact that we were adding even  _ more  _ to our cause. I try my best to set it on the back burner, being in the here and now with the Commander, taking in his kindness although my fear of who I am becoming pangs deliberately in the back of my mind. He sets out antiseptic, ointment, cotton balls and bandages beside us, peeling off his gloves as I hear him sigh.

“He did deserve it.”

I nod again, understanding he had heard the last bit of what the Officer had mentioned, able to piece together everything else that still swam around my mind, picking up on my irritation as well. He grasps my hand, inspecting my knuckles and raising them closer to the visor of his helmet. He sets my hand back down, his fingers digging into my hips and sliding my body across the bed to reel myself into him, between his opened legs. Now he takes his hands on the underside of his helmet, the resounding hiss filling the room as he lifts it off of his head, setting it down on the ground by his boot.

I grin to myself, forgetting about my irritation for the audacious officer, as well as my heartache for the children, focusing my attention to the little blue flowers that still lined the Commander’s hair. He doesn’t take notice, his gaze focused on holding my hand as he pops off the cap of a bottle.

He wet the balls of cotton in the antiseptic, my hand delicate within the warmth of his to begin dabbing the cotton against my bloodied knuckles. I flatten my lips, the sting of the antiseptic beginning to irritate me once more.

“What a fighter I have on my hands—lest I forget that you belong to  _ no one _ .” He says to himself, squinting his eyes to clean the blood as well as the flecks of dirt from my cuts, dabbing and wiping the torn skin with care. I see what he was alluding to.  _ His  _ hands, but no  _ ownership.  _ I use him as a kind of distraction, the best I could possibly have, studying each beauty mark that scattered his face, picking and choosing which was my favorite and why, numbering them all off in my mind.

“I wouldn’t say  _ no one. _ ” I counter softly, flexing my fingers within his grasp as my knuckles protest against the antiseptic, fizzing and bubbling against my skin as it seeps through the cuts. I watch the raise of his brow, intensely focused on digging out all of the dirt and potential pieces that could infect the cuts. “What  _ would _ you say?”

I kicked off my boots, his hand gripping mine a bit more securely to ensure he kept my hand steady. They fall to the floor as I better turn into him, my knee placed against his as I slide it up onto the bed, my other leg dangling off the edge just as his did.

“ _ Kriff,  _ that stings _.” _ I wince, pulling my hand back just enough to almost slip out of his grasp, my knuckles twinging with heat. He looks up at me, finally, his fingers trailing back up my hand to secure his hold once more. His eyes are curious, but mainly playful and provoked. “My apologies.” He says kindly, letting his gaze linger before returning his focus back to my hand. He ditches the cotton balls for the ointment, squeezing a pea sized amount onto each knuckle. 

He rubs the ointment over the cuts and scrapes with a kind of attentiveness that makes my heart flutter, my knees tingling and growing weak although I am seated on the bed in front of him. His eyes flash up to mine momentarily, only after I have sent him my emotions within the moment, having grown so animated and stirred up from how tender he could be with me.

His thumb traces over the cuts until the ointment is well worked in, his eyes batting back down to grab a bandage. He brings the paper sealant to his mouth as his other hand holds mine, taking it between his teeth and ripping it in half to reveal the bandage. I swallow the lump in my throat, retracting my eyes from such a sight to place my fingers through his hair, fixing one of the flowers that was nearly ready to fall onto the bed beside him. I am utterly stunned to sense  _ no  _ kind of bashfulness from him within this moment, so focused, so grounded, yet understanding of  _ exactly  _ the kind of influence he had on me.

He carefully continues to peel the paper open, sticking the bandages over one of the largest cuts spanning across my hand and fingers. He does this three more times, mercilessly taking his time as he centers his attention on mending me. I let my hand fall from his hair, watching as he seals the last bandage over my last knuckle, pressing into it gingerly enough to keep it from coming undone. I opened my hand to wiggle my fingers, flexing my knuckles as best I could, feeling that the bandages were going nowhere.

His fingers are wound around my wrist, letting me admire his work, but still intent on holding on in some way. I can hover my senses over his mind, picking up the unanswered question that lingered throughout his thoughts, very well aware I had done so. His eyes trace up to me as he raises his head, our stares meeting as the room around us grows warm, at ease.

His grasp around my wrist slides upward—his skin molding against mine, pricking my mind with the reminder of how  _ much _ I liked when he touched me—holding me firmly as he raises my hand to meet his lips. Carefully and slowly, he presses his lips against my knuckles, fluttering his eyes shut. “Do you know....” He begins, pausing to plant a few more pecks over my fingers, to the back of my hand. I fan my fingers out and press them against his stubbly cheek as my stomach flips and rolls with apprehension, his warm words tickling my skin as he breathes against me.

“...what a pleasure it would be to belong to you?” He poses the question slowly, unravelling the knots within me that make me fall skittish and nervous for no reason in particular, other than the confidence behind his words. I let out a shaky laugh to cover the few beats my heart skipped over, shaking my head as my eyes traveled away from him.

“I wouldn’t ever make you conform to such a notion.” I explained, his head shaking on his own as he supplied me with his quick response. “I wouldn’t be conforming.”

I let my eyes trail back to him, my brow hitching as he stares contently back at me, having slowed his kisses, only now letting his radiating lips linger against my bandaged knuckles. I searched him, for any signs he could back down, any signs he was blindly infatuated with me because of the force’s spell over the two of us. The further I inspect, the more genuine I find his feelings to be. Licking my lips, my breathing grows shallow at the thought of it all, excited, entranced,  _ lustful _ . 

“Tell me more.” I state just above my breath, the tips of my cheeks reddening as I begin to lose myself within the moment we have created.

Now he takes my hand in both of his, placing my knuckles on the side of his lips, partly on his cheek as well. “If I belonged to you, I’d only ever think of  _ you. _ ” He begins, a faint smile laying out over his features as he thinks about it. I nod, the same faint smile present, urging him to continue forward.

“If I belonged to you, I’d never care to part from  _ you. _ ” He effused, his voice dropping lower, quieter in my presence. My brow twitches at the thought of it, how true it was from my end. Never wishing to go without him for too long, recalling the times where I had, who I had become. I find myself nodding, motioning myself closer between his parted legs, to which he scoots closer as well.

“If I belonged to you,  _ you _ would rule over everything else.” My chest throbs as I listen to him, the rhythmic beat swaying my body ever so slightly. I unravel my hand from his grasp, extending my fingers to slide them across the right side of his face. My thumb skims the beauty marks dotting his skin, creating different, tiny shapes along his skin. I lean in closer, my eyes tracing from where my fingers danced across his skin, then back to his heavy eyes, peeking through his lashes at me. He licks his lips, leaning closer, his head tilting to the side. The hand that once held mine now slides across the bed and partially under my rear, boxing me in beside the wall. Nowhere else to look but him.

“If I belonged to you, I’d have no reason to give up on  _ you _ .”

His words are slow and drawn out, his warm breath coats my skin as it travels the few measly inches between us. My lips part, taking in his words, analyzing them for what they were, what they meant. The energy he has transferred to me solidifies his intentions, how sure of himself he was, how much he meant it. How  _ lost  _ in the moment he had become, as well as I.

The connection between us swells, both of us having acknowledged it. No longer fighting it off, we sit within it, fully aware one of us would break, giving in to it and the splendor we knew would follow.

“All that sounds quite familiar.” I shudder, more of a passing thought that I dared to speak it into existence. He nods, sucking his lips in and rolling them together as his eyes drop down to stare at mine. He pops them back out and they are darker in color, shiny with a gleaming sheen after licking them.

“I think I have always belonged to you, but now it’s more obvious than ever. Wouldn’t you say?” He asks, his voice teasing and low, dipping down and raising back up in a playful manner, one that floods my body with adrenaline, the apex of myself radiating warmer and warmer as it begins to pulse,  _ so  _ influenced by him.

“Mhmm.” I make out, just barely, my heart hammering in my ears, too enveloped in him to speak out loud. He nods, his lips parting. “Would you let me belong to you?” He finally asks, the question that had stirred about within his mind for quite some time, letting himself air it out, testing what it sounded like.

My brows turn upward, feeling my body melt as my eyes grow heavy with lust, entirely unable to keep myself from him. I wish to tell him verbally, “ _ Yes, yes, a million times yes.”  _ but what comes out is an exasperated laugh, along with my many nods as he supplies me with a suggestive grin, happy with my answer.

Feeling as if I’d burst if I did not do so, I rush forward to meet my mouth against his, instantly moaning from impact, as if we hadn’t kissed in quite some time. I feel him smile against me, his hands on either side of the bed sliding to my waist, circling around and closing behind my back to tug me closer. My head is upturned as I kiss him, the rest of my body falling limp against him as he does most of the work. 

Eagerly I press closer to him, my breathing hot and heavy as I wish for more and  _ more  _ of him within such a short amount of time. His lips pull apart only to meet mine again, but my urgency has outweighed his by a landslide. My limbs start to shake upon him, his mind picking this up rather quickly.

His hands find the sides of my face, breaking the kiss with an audibly wet  _ smack,  _ my head still travelling forward as I wish to continue on. I open my eyes to see him observing, alerted and a bit concerned by my tremor. We both stare at one another within a few quietly passing moments, travelling into my mind to skim it.

“You’re vigilant of my composure.” He declares softly, his eyes flickering between both of mine. Yes, that was it, I understand as he airs it out. I only look at him, blowing out a faint stream of air as I attempt to slow myself down. Perhaps it was a bit different to pick up  _ no  _ kind of nerves from him during a time like this; if I ever sensed his temperament becoming unleveled or shaky, I’d console him and make him feel better—that’s what I enjoyed doing, I felt good when  _ he  _ felt good. Now, after sensing that he felt good, I began to grow more and more apprehensive of myself, adopting similar nerves.

Knowing he wanted so  _ badly  _ to belong to me didn’t exactly rev down my nerves, either.

As I think it through, I notice him deep in thought, surveying my own thoughts and understanding everything as he pieced it together himself. He comes to, his eyes settling back on mine as a smile tugs at the corners of his mouth, his teeth just barely gleaming through. He leans back in, I close my eyes and brace myself for another kiss, my heart continuing its speedy thud against my chest. 

Instead, his pillowy lips press into the lids of my eyes, kissing me with care. One of his hands leaves my face, trailing down my shoulder and pin pricking goosebumps over the top of my skin as his fingers slide down my back, practically cradling me in his strong arms.

“I’ve intimidated you.” He snickers quietly to himself, pressing his lips against my other eyelid. I blew out another stream of air as a sigh, knowing he was right. I stretched my body out across his lap, the crook of his arm lifting to support the back of my neck, my legs fanning out over his right leg as I relaxed out against him. 

He could intimidate me on the battlefield or during our training sessions, no doubt,  _ especially  _ when it came to his knowledge as well as his ability to execute the force. I didn’t exactly pride myself in how well I could comfort him, but being the one  _ needing  _ comfort was not something I was used to. To my surprise, he was more than willing to supply me with comfort by any means.

“You’re so sweet.” He mumbles against my skin, dragging his lips from my eyelid and over across my cheek, pecking my skin. I keep my eyes shut as I feel him paint the tips of his fingers and his lips across my sensitive skin. “You have always been so sweet with me, since the very start.” I audibly wince at his words as they fill me with a greater amount of lust, tilting my head backward as I bare more of my skin to him. His fingers trail down my neck as he plants kisses up my cheekbone, ghosting his lips over my ear and making my back arch against him with need.

“Always so sweet, so kind, such a giver you are.”

I sigh even deeper, his mouth now suctioning my jaw and rounding the length of it. I tilt my head down, attempting to snag his lips against mine. He only pecks at the softly in a teasing manner, as if he didn’t want to indulge just yet. He then kisses the corner of my mouth before moving to my opposite cheek. “You have given a lot up for the Order, for your career, for  _ me. _ ”

I can feel my heart throbbing in my throat, pulsating my vision as I barely peek through my lashes at him, fluttering them shut as I am overtaken by my emotions. I can pick up on the outlines of his intentions, unable to clearly see them as he kept his true intent hidden further away from my grasp, an even further tease. One of my hands grips the material of his rippling bicep, the other hand curving around his neck while his head continuously bobs, kissing and running his tongue over the small space between my neck and jawline. He finally suctions his lips off of my skin, hovering above me

“Could I give  _ you  _ something?”

My eyes open for the first time in minutes, taking him in and nodding instantaneously, wishing for more of him in whatever way possible. He smiles, leaning down to cover my mouth with his. Careful and slowly, his lips mold over mine, laboriously bobbing and weaving his head to seal and break the kiss. I release a moan as he suctions my bottom lip between the two of his, suckling on it as I wind both my hands around his neck. The force around us has begun to simmer, happy with the amount of what we were giving in to. 

The pace he has set is painstakingly slow, adding fuel toward the growing fire within my stomach. It burns brighter, traveling lower beyond my belt loops as he guides his tongue to meet mine.

He urges my tongue out further, only for his supple lips to close around it, sucking and tightening his lips around me. I can’t take it, the pace of his kisses, the passion he exuded in the way he handled me, the heat he had instilled within me. Taking my tongue from between his lips, I lean forward to kiss him harder, speeding up the pace to match my demand. My arms wind around him tighter, he chuckles against me as he obliges, speeding up his lips as they slip and slide against mine.

This only continues for a few moments before, to my dismay, he breaks away. I stare at him, breathless, watching his grin grow deeper. “Lie back for me.”

I simply blink a few times at him as I recall the last time he had said that to me, the things that had run through my mind in the cockpit of his shuttle just yesterday—only this time he had sounded  _ much  _ more lascivious than he had before. I watch how hard he tries to downplay his grin, despite how badly it wants to present itself across his lips.

He nods me on, leaning in and pecking my lips softly a few times, his pillowy mounds pushing me further and further backward until my spine was parallel to the bed. As is everything else around us, the sheets beneath me are soft and warm, the energy between us so incredibly capable of heating up whatever was around us at all times, it seemed. He gives me a smile as he hovers from above, spreading his lips against mine once more as he opens my mouth for him. 

He kisses me at the same pace, pressing his torso against mine as he leans into the bed, his other hand cupping the side of my face and never ceasing to trace into my skin. I react against him as his hand circles my neck, just like he had through the force all those months ago. I keep up with the crawling pace he had set, wanting to press further to speed up the pace. His thumb presses into my neck tenderly, feeling how prominent of a thud my pulse could make against his touch. 

Overtime I grow more used to his pace, despite how much protest the pit of my stomach puts up as he leisurely laps his tongue over my lips. I moan against him as his hand cups my breast, fingers curling around the shape, tapping it and letting it bounce around within his grasp. He groans, his lips pulsing against mine as he finds great enjoyment in the feeling. 

His fingertips then trail between my breasts, tracing down to my stomach. The pads of his fingers dip underneath the material of my shirt, coasting a hand over my torso, gently rubbing against my ribcage, the same side I had injured on Exodeen, forever ago. He sends me little messages of what this means to him, what I alone have done to him. I sent him my feelings back in return, audibly moaning as well to assure him that I was enjoying it all the same.

Then, his hand begins to travel back down from where it once came, trailing over my navel that he had already passed. His fingers tap along the hem of my pants, his index finger circling around the button that held the material securely around my waist.

With my lips still on his, my eyes flutter open to find his, patiently observing the way I reacted against him. I wonder how long he had gone, staring at me as I sent out the most lustful emotions I could gather, just for him. His fingers stop dancing, his thumb and index fingers meeting to pinch the button to my pants together. 

I could not elaborate some kind of response for him, so lost in the moment, having moved  _ so  _ sensually and slow along with his body, I couldn’t settle to break away from him in any aspect—the simple nod of my head being too much for me to comprehend at this time. I close my eyes, exhaling theatrically as I deepen the kiss between us, enveloping my arms around him even tighter. I feel him release a hum of contentment across my lips, flicking his two fingers together and unsnapping the button to my pants.

Something clicks when he does so, my eyes opening once more to find that his were closed, continuing his slow and methodical kisses as if he had all the time in the world to do so. I close them again, but find my breaths growing shuddered, my arms secured around him shaking lightly with anticipation. Every touch sent an endless surge of nerves throughout that specific space, casting outward throughout my body, stinging the tips of my fingers and toes.

I feel his fingers close around my zipper, sliding down  _ murderously  _ slow, loosening its grip around my waist. My lips tire against his, losing their urgency and determination as I feel more and more exposed, my confidence running thin. He notices, breaking the kiss and brushing his lips to the underside of my jaw, kissing down to the crook of my neck where he then resides. My arms remain looped around him, my fingers sensually tracing his backside as I had lowered my arms below his. 

“I will stop, if you wish.” He tells me, his voice muffled as he slows his kisses, patiently waiting for my response. I shake my head, my body wiggling beneath him as I maneuver my head into the crook of his neck. He senses this is too much for me, but that is far from the true deterrence, too much  _ excitement,  _ more than I knew what to do with, more than I ever knew could be given to me by  _ one  _ man. 

“G-go for it, Commander.” I bleat into his ear, my lips thrumming against his skin. He retreats from my neck, rolling his head along his shoulders as I sense the shiver I have supplied him with. There’s a wild look in his eyes that only gleams momentarily, just before he latches his lips to my neck once more.

His mouth goes to work at the base of my neck, running his tongue flat against my skin just before he chooses to kiss over the wet stripe. He leans further into me,  _ both  _ of his hands meeting the hem of my pants. He hooks both thumbs underneath the material, both of us releasing a sigh in unison as he lowers down the fabric. He feels foreign, in the  _ best  _ way as the tops of his knuckles brush against my upper thighs, trailing the material further off my legs. He kisses my lips as I raise a leg and kick the wadded pants at my shins, helping him out.

Those expansive hands of his browse up my bare legs, tickling my skin as he remains on the outside. His left arm curves under my neck, lowering himself down closer to me, deepening a kiss as his right hand fans out, rounding my thigh to meet my ass, partially covered by the thin material of my underwear. He squeezes the amount of skin he holds, motioning it around in his grasp, pressing each individual finger into my skin and feeling how the flesh molds around him.

His lips unseal from mine, placing his left hand flat on the side of the bed as he kisses my neck, then the space between my breasts, to my stomach, dragging his mouth down to my lower abdomen. He pauses, looking up at me as we stare in wonderment at each other. I encourage him further, giving him the weakest of nods, my swelling lips parted as I run my tongue over them, awaiting his next move.

He kisses the exposed skin of my lower abdomen slowly, moving further and further down. He links his thumbs under the dainty fabric of my undergarment, toying with it as he rolls it between his fingers. Such a thin veil keeping the most intimate part of myself from him. I feel his hot breath over  _ me _ as he depresses his hands, gathering the material and sliding it over my hips and down my thighs. He doesn’t waste time once the material passes my knees, pressing his lips against my upper thighs, trailing kisses across the skin he had never ventured to before. One hand slips my legs out from my undergarment, leaving me completely exposed to him.

His mouth rounds my hip, his lips pressing into the flesh of my ass, turning me on my side momentarily. I gulp as he nuzzles his face against me, his tongue jutting out and licking my cheek from base to top, letting me close my eyes and enjoy. My breath hitches as his teeth softly graze my skin, taking in small nips here and there. I feel what it does to him, how  _ excited  _ he has grown.

A hand parts my legs further, his eyes kept open as his mouth sinks back down to my thigh, kissing inward as I am rolled onto my backside once more. The fingers on his right hand drag up and down my left leg continuously, his lips traveling dangerous close to where I wanted him most. I hear him chuckle, grinning as he continues his heated kisses.

“Raise those hips for me.” He coos, melting my heart and leaving behind the liquified remains of where my emotions resided. I do as he says, barely lifting them before completing the job on his own.

I prop myself up on my forearms, not wanting to miss a thing. His tongue traces the inside of my thighs menacingly, his head having parted my legs. His lips crawl further up, further inward as I watch him do so, his eyes meeting mine as he approaches. His hands hitch my right leg over his shoulder, then the left, his gentle breathing heating up the space of me that was radiating its own heat  _ long  _ before he had migrated there.

His eyes flicker to  _ me,  _ taking in the sight as he had never seen such an intimate parting of me before. The smile on his face  _ rattles  _ me deep within my bones, strong enough to swat away my nerves as they had risen to heights I had never experienced before.

His hands widen my legs further, his eyes meeting mine as he presses a kiss to the very top of the base of me, releasing his lips and giving me a smile as the air lodges in my throat. He kisses the same spot again, both of us becoming more and more used to the idea. He licks his lips, his head traveling further into me as his tongue takes its first swipe against me. My shoulders shake as I gasp softly, my heart thrumming so wildly in my chest, I fear it has the power to pulse through my breast plate all together. He repeats the action, flattening his tongue further as his eyes are kept on mine. My eyelids falter, batting heavily as I release a shaky breath through a smile. 

This time, he trails his tongue down instead of tracing up like he had the last two times, shocking my body completely, my toes curling along his muscular backside where my feet rested. He starts licking more evenly, gaining speed, connecting upward swipes with the downward ones, beginning to bob his head back and forth to increase pressure. I shake my head and groan at how good he feels, my elbows digging deep into the bedding as I press all my weight into the mattress. 

He slows, tracing one last lick upward. He flashes me his expression, so painfully handsome as he peeks up from below, before mentioning, “You’ll have to guide me a bit, sweetheart.”

My teeth dig into my bottom lip as I mewl at his words and the way he so intricately displayed them, my eyes rolling into the back of my head as his fingers dug into my hips. Gods, I only ever wish to be referred to as  _ sweetheart _ , from this point on. The way it rolled off his tongue and immediately struck my heart—that would be something difficult to get out of my mind from this point on.

Despite the shudder my body had adopted, I thought of the ways he could pleasure me, what his tongue and lips could accomplish as he was willing to follow my instruction, never having done this before. I lay it  _ all  _ out with care within my mind, observing how intensely his eyes widen as he picks up on what I had transferred to him. He nods, licking his lips, memorizing what I was imagining. The different techniques, the varying speeds and motions he could create, making patterns all on his own. I grow eager, maybe even a bit neurotic as I pick up on how carefully he studies my ideas, wanting to do this  _ right. _

His famous grin makes another appearance, before nuzzling his face closer into me. He licks just as he had before, starting off slow and building upon his speed over time. My brow quivers, my arms shaking as it becomes more and more difficult to hold myself in this position, nowhere near ready to quit watching him as he was so clearly enjoying himself. 

His head narrows down, his tongue traveling along with it as he traces the outline of my entrance, teasingly acting as if he’d move in closer, but then moving back to the outskirts. I roll my eyes, gnashing my teeth together as I part my legs across his broadened shoulders, feeling much less bashful as I urge him to enter. He finally obliges, his tongue sliding within me. He moans into me, burying his tongue further and further, pulsing in and out slowly. 

I moan, throwing my head back and spreading my legs  _ wider  _ for him, wanting him to travel deeper. He appeases me by doing just that, my inner walls pulsing around him and welcoming him in as if he  _ owned  _ the space. The sounds and pleasured groans he makes slickens me up even further, the sheen his tongue provided mixing with what I created, all for him. He takes a deep breath in as he resurfaces, his tongue quick to lap upward as he had done at the very beginning, by legs jolting and spasming over his shoulders at the sudden difference.

His flattened tongue reaches the very top, circling around the bud of sensitive nerves he had ignored up until this point, keeping close, but not indulging quite just yet.  _ Now  _ is the time I begin to lose it, moaning at the mere feeling of him, so close, yet so far from that bundle that all of my lust had always come from. He toys around with my emotions, acting as if he were about to run his tongue flat across it, then tracing his tongue all the way back down to my entrance. He races back up to the top to circulate the bud once more, my body shivering each time I think he is about to reach it.

I hear him chuckle as he laps up the length of me, his eyes hovering shut slightly for the first time during this whole ordeal, having kept his eyes trained on my every reaction so far. “So sweet.” He mumbles into me, his languid tongue curving against me as he entices me further and further. “You taste _so_ _sweet._ ”

I crumple the blankets below me within my grasp, tightening my grip as he has managed to tease me the perfect amount, building me up, keeping me steady as if he was ready to indulge, then letting me slowly level back down to merely a  _ slight  _ insufferability. I groan at his words, shaking my head at the idea of it all, how good it felt, how  _ good  _ he was, how  _ badly  _ I wanted him to finally-

And then he finally does, taking me by surprise as his tongue stops circling me, flattening to slide across the bundle of nerves at long last. I yelp, pressing my eyes shut despite how badly I wished to watch him finally do so. His tongue rubs over and over atop the space, hitching my breath higher and higher up within my throat as I feel it build up. I peek through my lids to see how deeply entranced his eyes are as he smiles, his tongue covering so much space as he continuously laps me up at varying speeds—difficult to adjust to, but not a moment went by where I  _ wasn’t  _ enjoying it. 

I watch as his mouth then suctions over the bud, his lips encapsulating and beginning to suck as his tongue ghosts over the nerves. My arms give out beneath me, landing on my back as he knocks the breath entirely from my lungs. He pushes further into me at this angle, pulling apart my legs to offer him more room to roam around. My lips quiver as I babble and moan obscenities under my breath, my spine wriggling around as I release the bedding from my hands, raising my arms above my head as my body grows antsy beneath his affectionate touch. 

“Hmmmm?” He hums around my bud, his deep voice vibrating every nerve ending he had so sensually clamped around. 

“Oh,  _ gods.  _ You’re  _ k-kidding. _ ” I bemoan, letting out all that trapped air within a big sigh as my hands grip the bed frame, digging my nails into the metal posts beyond the pillows. I pull my legs inward and bleat as I feel the first introductory wave of pleasure jolt through me, occurring so quickly as he had teased for so long. As soon as it ends, it alludes to the bigger, more powerful release up ahead. 

“ _ Commander— _ oh!— _ fffuck. _ ” I whimper as I arch my back even more, feeling the incline from the very bottom once more as I travel throughout this new experience a second time. My legs press into his shoulders and backside, my rear lifting off the bed slightly. One of his hands cups the cheek of my ass, fondling and lightly pinching my skin as he oscillates his head side to side, striking even more pleasure against my bud.

He hums some more, his face nuzzled deep between my legs. I raise my legs and pull them in even further in a sweet kind of agony I can no longer sit still with, prompting him to quickly scoot forward in order to keep up with his diligent work, never missing a beat as he winds his arms around the undersides of my thighs. 

_ Say my name for me. _

He reaches out through the force, relentless when it comes to pleasuring me. I grimace and groan, my back arching off of the bed once more as I pout, the perfect angle for his mouth to meet me. “N-no,  _ tell  _ me.” I gasp as I beg for him, yearning to hear his voice urge me to do so. He releases a deep chuckle after hearing how desperate I have grown for him, one that vibrates through me entirely. His wet lips suction and pulse around my collection of nerves, his tongue massaging my core as if it were his lifelong dream to do so.

“Say my  _ name _ .” He purrs, releasing his lips around me to knead his tongue into the bud over and over. I squeal at the feeling, pushing my quivering hips higher up to meet his mouth. 

“Oh—gods,  _ Kylo. _ ”

He moves faster at the first instance I had ever addressed him by his name—his tongue more urgent, finding a way to skim his lips on the outsides of the bud. Some of the tiny, blue flowers have fallen from his hair due to his rapid movements, scattering across my abdomen, his arms, or the bed around us. Little petals dot my lower thighs as well, his eyes drifting off to notice just how many had trickled down from his hair, his cheeks pinching together as he gives me a smile.

I feel exhilarated and overwhelmed as he transfers how satisfied he is to me —I grind my lower half into his face to match the motions his tongue had executed so impressively. He places a large hand on my abdomen, pushing my hips down to hold me still, burying his face into me even deeper. 

His tongue slides all the way down, back to my entrance to slip in and out of me salaciously. I jerk my hips down as I straighten out my spine with a dire haste, urging him to travel deeper into me. His right hand glides across my thigh to grip my ass, maneuvering my body and pulling me further down on the bed to meet his lips with a sudden urgency, similar to my own.

“Do I make you feel good?” He coaxed, his left index finger and thumb tracing one of the blue petals across my hips, never ceasing against me one bit.

“Mhmmm— _ yes! _ ” I beam out to him as I release a yelp.

His left thumb then travels over to rub into my bud, circulating round and round and making me gasp, nearly choking on my saliva. I raise myself to my forearms again, peering down to see his eyes closed, getting off on this moment as much as I had. His thumb is hard at work, the pattern it had adopted causing me to squirm and whine. He opens his eyes as he hears me, gripping my ass tighter, reeling me into him further. I reposition my arms, trailing a shaky hand to the side of his face. I brush his hair back and out of his way, giving myself a better view of him.

How he had managed all of  _ this  _ after simply observing what he had gathered from the thoughts plaguing my mind—it was far beyond my comprehension.

He moans as he laps me up, digging and burying his tongue deep within me. I praise him with my moans, letting my thumb skim his cheekbone, down to the corner of his mouth. He retracts his tongue, jerking his head to the side to take my thumb into his mouth. I grimace as he rounds my thumb, hollowing out his cheeks as he sucks on the digit, his eyes growing wild.

He pops my thumb from his mouth, darting his tongue at my entrance once more, my neck growing limp at the sensation. He dips his tongue out, tracing lines up and down until he replaces his thumb with his mouth over my bud. I release a sob I didn’t know I had in me, clearing my throat of the emotions I had apparently held back on. I notice the tears that line my vision vaguely as he smiles into me, pressing tightly against my bud as his lips pull together.

Despite every electric feeling that pulsated through me, caused by  _ everything  _ he had done, my mind thought back to all he had mentioned to me, just before we had begun. Mentioning how he would like to  _ belong  _ to me, admitting that he believed he already had for quite some time, before he had ever understood it. I begin thinking of how long it had been since the first budding thoughts within me, dedicated to wanting to be around him no matter what the excuse, wanting to learn from him, to talk over any kind of matters with him, to shoot the shit with him just to be  _ near  _ him. The more I thought it over, the clearer it became for me. The same kind of realization that had overcome him earlier, had then swept over me.

His eyes narrow as he glances up at me, maintaining his tongue that continuously glossed over me. I watched his brow raise, waiting for me to add something as he had sensed it rousing within my mind. I lick my lips, shuddering at how good he felt against me, finding it entirely too laborious to piece it together and  _ say  _ it, let alone think about it.

“Tell me.” He murmurs, just barely stopping his movements against me. I inhale sharply, fluttering my eyes, unable to look at such a face, creating such wonderful feelings within me I wasn’t even  _ aware  _ existed. Despite that, he is  _ painfully  _ aware of what his voice does to me within this moment, whenever he chooses to speak.

“You can do it.” He encourages sweetly in a low rumble, his lips buzzing against my most tender region. I feel faint, swallowing the lump in my throat as I feel the words coming to me all at once, as if they had appeared on my tongue out of thin air.

“C-could I— _ oh. _ ” I moan as his tongue purposely presses into me, waving around in circles to throw me off. Something of a laugh and a sob mixes within me, releasing out as a response for him to hear. I suck in a shaky breath as my thighs shake and rub against the material of his uniform lining his shoulders, readying myself to take a second stab at it as his eyes beckon me to do so.

“Could I belong to  _ you _ ?” I hardly make out, my frame instantly shuddering as he begins to hum a  _ “yes” _ into me, an answer in itself. The moans I release against him are  _ so _ pathetic, so demoralizing against my heightened position in the order, the power I held, as well as the lives I had ended that stood in my way. Yet, I do not care, I ring them out throughout the room, hearing his muffled pleasure in agreement to such sounds I could create.

His tongue circles beneath his lips, grounding himself against me with more pressure. My hand travels through his hair, tugging on it lightly, my fingers tracing his scalp as he lets out a long hum that nearly makes me scream. I then find his right hand released from my hip, one of his sizable fingers slipping into my entrance. The feeling stirs so much elation, I hardly know what to do with myself as I whine and wriggle beneath him, adding a second finger shortly after testing out the space.

It is increasingly difficult to feel all he does for me, all while fighting the urge to pleasure him in the same regard, my tongue and lips protesting to feel him as I had the night before. To my amazement, he turned his fingers within me, broadened and thick as he curved them to reach the angle I had projected to him about. He reaches the space without any problems, massaging and manipulating the spot as my thighs tighten around his neck, calves digging into his shoulders as the feeling burns deep within my abdomen. “ _ Yes _ , Kylo _. Yes, yes, yes, yes. _ ” I sputter out to him, locking my ankles around one another.

I feel the burning in my abdomen coming to a height, his lips pulsating with even more urgency as he can sense this as well, his tongue reaching record speeds as he laps me up with an intense dedication only he could exude, his two fingers working like magic as they plunged in and massaged my inner walls with expertise. 

The force swirls around us, miraculously, almost as if I could see the all-knowing tendrils clearly. It has excited as much as the two of us have, adding even more ecstasy to the experience. I can practically hear it beside my ear, cheering us on, letting us know that  _ this  _ is something along the lines of what it had wanted for  _ so  _ long, surely knowing we  _ could  _ become closer within this moment. Every drop of my stomach, every shudder and blush I had ever collected from this man had been over exemplified because of the force’s will. Now, it couldn’t be anymore obvious in giving its thanks.

My eyes grow heavier as I feel myself reaching the top, his eyes that were once closed, having lost himself within this  _ just  _ as much as I had, finally opening to gaze upon me in amazement. My upper body quivers as I struggle to keep myself up; I nod my head, encouraging him, although I do not see him stopping anytime soon. My head tilts back further and further, wishing to continue watching him, unable to as the feeling overcomes me. Warmth builds within me at a dizzying rate, my face flushing as I teeter on the brink of madness. 

My thighs compress the sides of his head, which makes him grind his tongue more forcefully into my bud, his fingers spreading further apart as they arch up into me. He successfully unties the knot in my stomach, finally unravelling. Waves of pleasure surge from where his mouth was located, strumming across my body, down every limb and throughout each digit. My back arches as I cry out, my vision waxing and waning as I haphazardly glance at the ceiling, lolling my head to my shoulder as I let out a few lazy whimpers of delight. Kylo doesn’t slow  _ any  _ of his movements down, helping me ride out the high.

Elation continues to erupt from me, diving down, then peaking back up as Kylo finds new spaces within me where this euphoria was located, releasing in its full capacity as his motions continue their familiar speed. I moan, letting my arms slide out from under me as he finally decreases his speed, releasing from within me to trail his dampened fingers across my thigh, back up to my hip. Slowly, his lips unsuction from around me, now only his tongue caressing my bud at a languid, unhurried rate, milking out whatever was left, if there was a possibility of  _ anything  _ at all _. _

I lift my head, attempting to slide my legs off of him as I have grown rather sensitive from his touch, aside from how caring he was to do so, softly bringing me down from my high in the most generous way I had ever experienced, in any and all aspects.

I touch the side of his face, motioning him upward. He follows along, unwinding his arms from the underside of my thighs, crawling up the space between him and I for our lips to once again meet, in  _ god  _ knows how long. I trace my tongue over his lips, gathering what he had collected, tasting how  _ sweet  _ he had mentioned I was. I part his lips wider as I kiss him, my tongue meeting his as he presses his torso into me, his large hand cupping my cheek as well. I hum into him as I hear him release a satisfied sigh, breaking away to nudge his nose against mine.

We stare at each other for a few moments, my mind hazed over, completely overtaken by every good feeling within the galaxy, it seemed, Kylo having stolen it away for me to claim for myself. He lowered his body down onto mine, my legs still parted so his full weight didn’t pin me too closely against the mattress. The side of his face rests partially on my breast and shoulder, my hand makes its way to the side of his face as his hand rests on my thigh, fingers dancing over the exposed skin.

“Would you like to tell him, or shall I?” He wonders out loud, taking me back. I furrow my brow, sliding my feet and bending my knees up to keep him between me. I peered down at him to find he was already staring up at me, the sweetest of expressions laid out so beautifully across that calmed face I had fallen for.

“Tell who, what?” I ask lightheartedly, observing the grin that quickly casts over his features.

“The Officer—to tell him you  _ do  _ belong to someone.”

I bite my lip to hide the smile that stretches over my mouth, giggling as he begins to chuckle. I roll around beneath him, stretching my limbs as he burrows his face deep within my neck, peppering small kisses here and there. 

I  _ do  _ wish with all my might that there was  a way I could tell  _ someone  _ about this specific kind of endearment I have found, having been not too far away within the Order for a handful of years without my knowledge. To have the honor of explaining the tale of the very man that gave my life a new meaning. I wish to mention the buds of feelings I never knew I had planted within me, blossoming only for the right person once they had located them for me.

It worries me that I might not ever get to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 49 pages!!!!! 26,304 words!! woah!!! That mighttt be the biggest chapter as a whole. Very proud of this one, I think it does a swell job of showing the progression of both Kylo and Margot. I'm so excited for the rest of this story as it unfolds, we still have a ways until the end, but I believe this is somewhere around the halfway point, more or less.  
> Please tell me your thoughts of how things are going so far! Scared of anything coming up? Anything you're looking forward to? 
> 
> I hope everyone is staying safe and healthy as of recent, thank you x a million for the reads, I will never tire of getting new comment notifications. :-)  
> Extra notes: I had a good time as dark Rey on Halloween, I made my boyfriend into theee cutest Kylo Ren ever, it totally made my night.


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorrrry this took so long to put out, there's a bonus chapter after this one, so read on! <3

Nightfall of the first day was rather dull, as compared to the exhilarating time the night before. The day had been long after our embrace in my small room, setting out a second time to do a follow up sweep of the land around us. Ren had wanted to ensure no other children were present, as well as any Resistance members that happened to be scouting us out.

As we had searched, I kept the idea of the little girl out of my mind, hurriedly thinking of anything else so the Commander wouldn’t pick up on what I had done,  _ betraying  _ him as well as the Order. I hoped I had tricked her mind into moving stealthily enough for none of us to notice her. I hoped she had found her family by the time we set out a second time. I hoped to the gods above that I would never see her again, for her sake.

Because the presence of Officer Torris and the troopers proved to be difficult to evade, there weren’t any more intimate moments between the Commander and I for the remainder of the day as well as all throughout the night. Although we could have managed a little  _ something  _ by nightfall, during the earlier hours of the night, I sensed that the Commander knew I was tired, leaving me be, despite a few gentle whispers through the force as I slept, as he had stayed awake for a bit longer than I.

I woke in the morning to face a strange pang of guilt I had hoped to do away with as I had fallen asleep last night, falling regretful of the actions I had gone through with yesterday with that little girl. The bitter feeling resided within my chest and swam alongside the ever-growing feelings I had felt for Commander Ren. It was strange to experience both—I tried my best to focus on the latter, hoping not to give Ren the wrong idea of my extent of feelings for him.

After having had enough of lying in bed, picking apart the details of the day before, I rose to pad my way to the bathroom. I stripped, I showered, I dried my hair and dressed in a fresh pair of pants… yet the feeling remained, tugging at the ends of my sanity, burrowing deep within my mind. I feel the headache coming on, leaning against the counter before the mirror to brace for it.

It strikes me down, harder than before, my backside sliding against the bathroom sink as I hiss and groan. I rub my temples, feeling myself wane in and out of this consciousness despite how hard I battle with my grip in this dimension. 

It feels like demanding hands pulling me apart, driving me into this plain I had yet to ever experience. The feeling plagues me with nausea, as I had yet to fill my stomach with any kind of sustenance for the day. My neck growing loose, my head lolling back and forth over my shoulders. Then, I feel nothing  _ but  _ the pull outward. I still have trouble pinpointing the direction, or  _ what  _ it is on the other side that happens to be so demanding.

I know for sure that the force is around me as I spiral deeper into it, but it is not the same as past interactions. There is no give and take on this plain, there only seems to be one drive—getting me to the same playing field as whatever it was that called out to me.

A familiar, broadened set of gloved hands meet my body, lazing my head around as I slowly regain control over it, as well as the rest of my body. I lift my head to find the Commander, one large hand encompassing both of my own and forcibly pinning them together securely, as his other hand resides on my shoulder, having shaken me to gain my attention.

He looks bewildered, even a bit disturbed as his eyes flash down to my arms, just as I notice the uncomfortable burn that stems from them. There I see it, red splotches and markings covering the broken skin on my left forearm. Pieces of flesh left hanging after having dug incessantly into my skin. I frown, noticing the small chunks of skin collected under the beds of my nails. I roll them between my fingers as my breathing slows, gaining more control of myself and the situation as I see what I have done to myself.

He unclasped my hands, his gloved hand then carefully placed over the irritated, bleeding scratches on my arm. His eyes close only momentarily, when they open the pain has subsided. Now his hand lifts, both of us noticing the clean stretch of skin that no longer harbours any blemish, any kind of marking to be seen. 

His eyes then trace up to me, sighing softly. I bite the inside of my cheek, apprehending what he might say, but choosing to speak before he could.

“I don’t know what to make of this.” I tell him, clenching my jaw, dazed and a little unsettled as I had never once thought of mutilating myself. I feel it within me, the possibility of crying. A lump forms in my throat, but I focus my eyes on my arm to deter the urge. This was most definitely some kind of reaction as to slipping away from the present, my mind losing itself in whatever void it was dragged into, by whatever caused these untimely headaches.

My lips part as I notice his frown grow even deeper, not happy with what had happened in his absence. I go to speak again, fearing what he could say. “I don’t want you to worry about it.” I find the error in my ways  _ immediately,  _ just as his frown lightens up, a mournful smile placed on his lips at the silly idea. 

“There is  _ much _ for me to worry about here.” 

I nod, as I know he’s right. I feel more ideas brimming within him, he chooses one and airs it between us.

“Is this because we took the shuttle here? On our journey back, we could take the Finalizer if that’s—” 

“—that’s not it.” I tell him, dipping my head down to set my intention. “That isn’t even on my mind as of late… this is something else, although, nothing I have ever experienced.”

His eyes are soft and light, just how I love to see them. They show his worry, his extent of how much he  _ cares  _ for me, undoubtedly. It makes my chest swell as I know I can match it with the same intensity. He slows for a moment, really taking me in, before continuing the conversation.

“Would you become unruly if I wanted you to return to base, just to be safe?”

A soft grin overcomes my lips, tugging upward as I sense him growing a bit more at ease, after having found me in such a disturbing manner this morning. “Without question.”

His lips rub together, brows raising. “And if I ordered it?”

I grimace, fighting it off as I lay my lips in a flat line, nodding meekly. Not wanting to make it outright and  _ known  _ that I would defy his order, but still alluding to the fact that I would at least  _ try _ to.

He sighs, his hand placed on my shoulder moving upward to cup the side of my face. I overturn my hand beneath his in my lap, letting our fingers tangle up together, glad we were alone to get the chance to.

“As strongly as I wish to… I won’t.” He states simply, but leaning into the fact that if he  _ really  _ wanted to return me back to base, there would be no stopping it. 

“I will figure this out for you—I’ll put an end to it.”

His gloved thumb silences my attempt at some kind of retort back at him, the leather swiping across my bottom lip and knotting my stomach up at the very feeling. I only stare and take in his confidence and devotion, always seeming so unbreakable. 

“I’m not keen on starting my day with this kind of greeting from you.” He explains with a sigh, that same gloved thumb pressing into my lip and bending it down softly. This gesture isn’t  _ sexual  _ or  _ suggestive  _ as it could have been seen as—it was similar to all the times he reached out to touch me, simply because he wanted to. I merely blink at him a few times, the urge to touch him  _ so  _ strong  _ so  _ suddenly as I gaze upon his regal features. 

I lean forward, straightening out my jaw to rid his thumb from my mouth, to press my lips against his. It is a gentle, but tender kiss, full of meaning as well as remorse for starting his day in such a daunting way. I kiss him and dismiss a light sigh, thankful I had the opportunity to kiss him at all.

His lips are warm and flush against mine, not having kissed him since the late hours, which had been a quick embrace before turning in for the night. I break the kiss, my lips lingering against his only momentarily for him to meet them once more, not yet ready to end things. I grin against him, pressing closer as I give his hand a squeeze.

We finally part, finding his features much more at ease than before. Despite this, his voice is a stern as ever when he mentions, “Do not stray from me today.” His brow line arches as his eyes focus on me, only relieving as he is content with the nod I give him. 

I take it that I have worried him enough to not let something like this ever happen again—I didn’t mind staying by his side, nor that he had instructed me to do so as if I were a mere member of the Order below him and nothing more. I would have stayed by his side regardless.

We stand from the bathroom floor, he even grabs my shirt for me to slip into, after having only been in his presence in my pants and athletic bra. The thought pangs my mind, realizing he had never once paid any kind of attention to the shape of my breasts all the while I was absent of my shirt.

I slip my head into it, fanning my hair out of the collar and smoothening out any wrinkles with my hands while I turn my gaze into the mirror. I absentmindedly do so, as his fingers trace my collar bone, pulling thin strands of hair that were trapped underneath the material.

He steps behind me as we both peer into our reflection, soft grins plastered onto our faces. His body hunches slightly, molding my backside to his front, his chin resting on my shoulder. I press the side of my face against his, feeling how his warmth spills over me and  _ fills  _ me up. His cape slides over his arms, flowing over my body and encapsulating both of us as I adjust my belt, almost in some kind of darkened cocoon.

“Where would you like to go, when we get the chance to be alone once more?”

He poses the question full of hope, completely intending on fulfilling his wishes someday. I find it utterly sweet that his mind was venturing to such thoughts so early into our day—relatively out of the blue to wondering like this. 

I purse my lips, letting myself slip into my thoughts. I think back to the Chandrillian wine we had sipped on the other night, never having been to his birth planet before. I think of Rodia, Tatooine, all of the other planets I had been to. Some more beautiful than others, although, none standing out at the time.

His head raises as he peers into my thoughts, his mind having already thought of possible planets he deemed worthy enough to be visited by the two of us. I could gaze at him like this  _ all  _ day, truly, watching his features twitch as they analyze my thoughts, watching the sudden blush that had dotted his cheeks, growing deeper as time ticked on. 

“When I imagine it,” I begin, turning my head upward as his chin has rested on the top of my head. My lips find his neck, grazing against his skin ever so gently, “ _ What  _ we are doing is at the focal point of my daydreams, not  _ which  _ plant we happen to be residing on.” I continue, pressing my lips into his neck, trailing up to the underside of his jaw as he continues to stare at the sight of it all captured by the mirror.

I feel his heart beating faster against my backside, his carotid artery pulsing against my lips as I kissed over it, the sudden and lengthy exhale from him as his body further presses against my own. “It matters not where we are—that is secondary to making sure that you are by my side.” I go to add on, mumbling my words against his skin with my hot breath. I know it stings him as I sense it, as well as the bob of his adam’s apple as he gulps down his budding abashment.

I can hear it in his tone of voice that I have excited him, when he says, “You would be the teacher in that situation.” I can even sense the apprehension in himself after he speaks, a dark kind of cloud that lowers over him. Unsure if I would  _ want  _ him in that way. Unsure if he could perform to my liking. Unsure if he was right for me.

My lips slow against him, my chest swelling at the thought of his worry. I raise an arm, letting my hand trail up his chest and over his shoulder to his neck. I wind my fingers through his hair, arching his head down so his gaze tore from the mirror to meet my heated stare. “I have no expectations, but if I did, you have already well exceeded  _ anything  _ I’ve yet to experience.”

There’s only a sliver of a moment between us after he smiles, before his head has dipped down to kiss me, filled with much more intention than the last time. His plump lips work fast against mine, the angle where my head is tilted gives him the advantage to lean down and deepen the kiss as much as he likes, and he  _ does _ . He ambles us forward as our lips slide against one another, my frontside up against the counter as we come to a stop. I place my hands on the counter as he continues pressing himself into me, but his hand delicately grazes over my breasts to find my neck, tilting my head backward to continue his kisses.

I have difficulty competing and matching his passion at the angle I’m in—my body arches in this position, as his lower half keeps me pinned and secure against the counter. His hand encompasses the entire front side of my neck as he only gently curls his fingers around me, his thumb guiding my mouth to his in the event I stray away within the heat of the moment. Heat is found between every crevice between us, surrounding us infinitely—it pulses at my core and I cannot help but send it out to him.

There is no doubt he  _ feels  _ enraptured by this, how compliant and hastily I am to bend at his will. His tongue laps my bottom lip, enjoying what I’ve sent him as he sends his own feelings of elation back to me, suctioning my lip between both of his lips as he sucks on it. He whips my body around, unsealing our mouths only momentarily. He connects them once more as I face him, his hand fast to grasp at the flesh of my ass as he hoists me up onto the countertop.

I sense he doesn’t know where this is going, he can also sense I feel the same—but neither of us dwell on it as we happily continue onward. He wastes no time pulling me back into him, which I accept with open arms and legs, winding my limbs around him as his arm curls around my backside, his other hand set under my jaw to keep me in line with him. I liberate a moan as he leans his body into me, causing my backside to arch against the arm that keeps me secure. He freely leans his weight into me, but he also  _ tugs  _ me closer parallel to his body. 

His frame outdoes mine in every way possible as he parts from my lips for a much needed breather, his mouth suckling the exposed skin of my neck and trailing down to tug at the hem of my collar, brushing the material out of the way and nipping at my collar bone simultaneously. 

I wince and sigh as his teeth graze my skin, his hand kneading into the supple flesh of my ass as his opposite hand doesn’t dare stray from my jaw, keeping my head turned upward to fight off my urge to watch him kiss me. He takes my skin between his lips, suctioning, popping against it and licking over the most tender parts. The very feeling hounds me with a light and airy feeling, nearly faint as I have grown rather breathless.

“ _ Kylo _ .” I wince quickly, his fingers digging into my jaw as his teeth nibble at the crook of my neck. I gasp, jumping within his arms and pressing my eyes shut in elation, glass breaking from above as the lighting within the room goes out. We are left in the dark, his mouth never ceasing his assault against my skin, giving not a single care toward losing his sight. 

I squeal, although I fight it off to keep it as hushed as possible as he reads my thoughts, sliding his hands under the curve of my ass and skillfully turning us around to lean himself against the counter. He now holds me in his arms, my legs circled around him and holding on in order to keep up with him—my lips fervently find his in the dark, sealing together and letting out a laugh as I do so. 

His hands are greedy and urgent, wishing to feel every inch of my body in such a short amount of time. His hands voraciously find their way underneath my shirt, venturing upward and sensually rubbing into my bare backside, those long fingers skimming the latch of my bra, but ultimately leaving it be. A wild idea whizzes into my mind, wild enough to slow the motion of his lips against mine as he comes to terms with it just as I do.

In a flash, I motion the latch of my bra and unclasp it, the material dropping at the sides of my upper back as it becomes ill-fitted against my chest. His kisses grow leisurely as I maneuver my bra out of my shirt, pulling the straps through the sleeves of my shirt and tossing is over my shoulder.

I peck at his lips, humming against him and encouraging that this was what I wanted. I press my chest against his, our mouths now partially parted, his hot breath hitting my lips as he shivers lightly. He had been  _ devouring  _ me the night before, to now fall flush against the feeling of my unshielded chest pressing into his, only his uniform and my thin shirt distancing us.

He turns the two of us around again, only much slower as he sets me back down to the counter. I kept close to him, scooting so my breasts pressed into him, his hands twitching at my hips. Only when I kiss him does his hand finally rest on the thin fabric of my shirt, pliable and devoid of the material of my bra that was always sheltering it. He comes alive beneath me—his emotions spouting off into different directions as he experienced a first in his life. Elated, his kisses become heated once more; messier and more fervent while he darts his tongue into my mouth to claim mine.

He sends me different thoughts, broadcasting them loud and clear as his intentions aren’t anything he can keep to himself, at least not at this time. I encourage whatever he is comfortable with as I chuckle against his lips, excited by the feeling, excited he was  _ enjoying  _ himself. Both hands then manipulate the flesh of my freed breasts above my shirt, and although I cannot see him without the light, I can feel his smile as he slides his mouth away from mine to kiss down my neck, trailing across my collar bone. I ruffle my fingers through his hair—my breasts rising further—as I await his kisses to reach where he  _ intended  _ them to end up.

But, we both had apprehend it—the journey of his lips down my chest coming to an abrupt stop as we heard the whirring of a metal sphere bounding down the hallway, stopping abruptly at my door. A mere moment passes as we pause against each other, then we hear the tiny knocks that begin against the door.

“Door. Locked?”

Kylo sighs against my chest, his lips having found my breast to only rest on top of them gently, the warmth of his breath pooling against the material of my shirt. I blow out a similar breath as I laugh, smoothing out his hair and gathering it out of his vision, not that it mattered, as we were in the dark anyways.

“Margot’s scheduled leave. Myrkr. Five minutes.” He beeps insistently, as if I had forgotten the Commander and I were to set out on a sweep of yet  _ another  _ planet. This time he had said the force was  _ insistent  _ that this was the right choice, as if who he was searching for had left over night. Torris and the rest of the troopers were meant to stay, in case the girl or someone else useful still remained.

I shift on the counter, momentarily getting a better feel of the Commander’s aptness for the bra-less situation we had fallen into as his lower half presses against mine. I bite off the urge to chuckle some more, knowing the droid would wonder why.

“Yes, my friend! I will be out in a moment!” I carry my voice across the room for him to hear. I can tell he lingers by the door, wondering how long a ‘moment’ would last, before he wheels himself down the hallway and back from wherever he had come. 

Ren slowly straightens out against me, lips dragging against the thin material covering my breasts. I feel one of his hands lift off of my body, the lights in the room turning back on and illuminating how rosy his cheeks had grown—most definitely a reflection of my own, as well. He humphs lowly as his eyes scan me thoughtfully, sucking in his lips and rolling them together as he rests his hand back on my thigh, giving himself a moment to take in all he had missed within the darkness.

“Better get going, then.” He simpers in a soft tone, his eyes not bothering to leave mine as his opposite hand extends off to the side, motioning my bra from where I had discarded it on the floor and safely into my lap. I nod, grabbing it but slowing my movements as I notice I’ve picked up on his  _ unwavering  _ concentration within the moment, slating what I would do next. Absent of the fact that we had already become rather intimate in  _ other _ ways with each other, the very idea of slipping my shirt off in front of him to dress in my bra leaves the apples of my cheeks on fire. 

My eyes snap up to him as the force around us shimmies lightly, his mind curious, but also discomposed by the same idea and how it would make him feel, how  _ excited  _ he could become by simply imagining it. I see his cheeks are still tinted red at our shared thought, his parted lips kiss-swollen and just as blushed as his cheeks. They press together as he grins bashfully, knowing I had caught him in his rumination, clearing his throat to try and move on from such a thought.

“I’ll leave you to it.”

My sheepishness lessens as I see he is affected the same way—I nod, gently tugging on the sleeve around my wrist to begin removing my shirt. “I’ll see you in the cockpit… if you happen to need a copilot.” It was mainly a joke as I laid it out for him—he was more than capable of piloting his own ship by himself. He smiles and nods all the same, appreciating the help although I didn’t need to supply him with any.

He trails his fingers down my thigh, sensually, like he wished he didn’t have to remove them in the first place.

“I’ll be on standby for you.”

—————————————

“They… can  _ feel  _ pain?” I ask Ren, his gloved hand wound around my own as we strode down the hallway, exiting the small armory room. As this was a planet I knew so  _ little _ about, I clipped a blaster to my hip for safe keeping. The Commander still insisted I didn’t need it — that I had long surpassed the need for such a weapon, but he understood why I’d keep it on hand,  _ just  _ to keep my mind at ease. 

BB-9 rolls along ahead of us a couple feet, ready to walk us to the very edge of the ramp, surely starting his timer to check off every minute we were separated from him on our sweep of the surrounding forest. 

The force had alluded to Ren that this was a better spot to search—this was lost on me, for the most part. It was difficult for me to understand what signs and signals the force wanted me to focus on at what time. The previous headaches I once had were now momentary pangs within my mind almost every few minutes on the dot. There was a lot to keep track of: the pull outward to somewhere I didn’t understand, the obvious pull to the Commander that was always there—which, by the way, was quite content with our fingers enveloped between each other’s, but still, suggesting and  _ hinting  _ that there was even more for us to experience up and around the bend—next was the general force around me,  _ always _ , directing and guiding me. 

Then, there was the split down the middle, the understandable pull toward the dark side, easier, hateful and consuming. There was also the light side that it mirrored, much more work up ahead if I decided on it. Somewhere in the middle was where I stood, both choices on either side of me. Ren had told me from the very beginning of my training, that  _ both  _ would be tempting to give into, that both would call out to me the further I had progressed into learning the ways of the force. He deemed me ready to construct my own saber, but I knew that would entail  _ choosing  _ a side.

After living around twenty years within a life that was decided for me, this was a  _ big  _ decision to make, even though the choice he would want me to make was obvious, although he had yet to  _ actually  _ say it. I knew whatever choice I made, it would be solidified within me—it was nerve wracking, knowing it needed to be made at  _ some  _ point. Ren had shown me no physical signs of regretting his decision of turning to the dark side… but I  _ was  _ able to pick up on some kind of conflict within him, deep, deep within him. He bared a lot of himself to me, mainly everything, but I knew there were still  _ some  _ matters that he shielded over lightly, or simply buried so deep that the sheer intensity of all other aspects outweighed and outshined what he didn’t want me to come across.

Come to think of it, I had never  _ decided  _ to become versed within the force.  _ It  _ had chosen  _ me _ . Many things had been decided for me in my life, I knew that much. Here I was, faced with a decision I could make on my own, and I was feeling indifferent to  _ either  _ side.

“They are conscious, somewhat.” He begins, seeming to choose his words carefully to make it as understandable as possible. I can sense there is much more to it—there’s a long history to it. “They choose us, whether we try to fight it off and find another. They call out to us, and we answer.” He finishes, just as we reach the end of the hall and step into the main entrance room.

“Non sentient. Communication. Nonverbal.” BB-9 adds on through a string of beeps at our boots. Swiveling around to give me a nod as well. I nod back, intrigued that he knew more about these matters than I, having spent some of his free time looking further into matters that concerned the force.

“Correct, yet they can concentrate energy through the force—many stories have been told of the ‘songs’ these crystals have sung, calling out to only those whom they are meant for. The bond between the two is unmatched, it may very well seem as if they are truly alive.”

I swallow down the information as best I can, unsure of what I could do with it, knowing well enough this was something I would simply have to experience on my own to understand it fully. He gives my hand a gentle squeeze within his own, brushing his arm against mine sensually as his head turns further down to mine.

“It will make sense when we arrive at that point, I promise.”

His head leans down further to give me no other choice to look at him—I grin softly as he does the same, lending him a nod as I have complete faith in his words, waiting for that time to come. I watch as Ren seems to shudder the faintest bit, his eyes narrowing as they scan off to the side of the room. I feel an inkling within the force, it tugs at him more forcefully than it does to me, and I can then understand which family member of his he senses.

I trusted that he could read into the force well enough to discern something that was more than what we were bargaining for; this planet was somewhere on the outskirts of the inner rim that I had never the chance to venture to. The idea of this sat deep within my gut, weighing me heavily with a few layers of worry. I push past it, knowing I have him by my side.

“You’re confident this is the right spot.” I declare, tip toeing carefully. I don’t mean to contradict him, nor to chastise, only meaning to pull him out of the haze that had settled over him. Despite the sudden pull, his eyes meet mine once more, losing their sharpness as they settle down on me, noticing my cautiousness with him—he didn’t wish for me to tread lightly around him. He nods, his grip on my hand tightening, not out of sensuality, but out of asperity of the sudden feelings that flooded through him.

I nod as well, fluttering my fingers and motioning open the door to lower the lamp. Right on que, BB-9 is on standby at the side of the entrance, watching our every move. He had just watched us leave yesterday, as well as the day before, but still shows uncertainty as well as fear toward letting me go… it seemed he was reluctant to part with Commander Ren as well. We weren’t supposed to venture off for long, as the shaded environment welcomed the opportunity for predators to strike.

I guide Ren out of the shuttle, feeling how wary, and how enraged he was inside, the two emotions within him duking it out to see which would be the remaining victor. He steps next to mine are rather rigid as his boots stomp down the ramp, crushing into the softened dirt once we have stepped off. I turn my head toward my droid, nodding with a grin in his direction. I even flip him a thumbs up, although I am sure he has yet to understand its meaning. We leave the droid, the final glance I take of him tells me he’ll use his alone time to brush up on his knowledge of sarcasm to better interact with me in the future.

Our journey into the forest is a quiet one, despite how thunderous and loud Ren’s mind has grown next to me. A few times his hand had clenched tighter around mine, cutting off circulation to my fingers, numbing the tips over time. I grin and bare it while I can, sometimes wiggling said digits to alert him of how tense he was becoming. He is remorseful each time he realizes what he has done, but it doesn’t stop the cycle he falls into of repeating the action a few more times.

Keeping my voice low, I point out the vegetation I am aware of, quietly naming off different genuses and variations of a certain genus just as I recognize them. He entertains my knowledge of plant life, his eyes curiously drifting to whichever direction I happened to point while identifying a specific flower amongst others.

I point out one rather large tree, its trunk as well as the branches and leaves all swept in the same direction, most likely because of the way the wind carried through the vegetation over time. He gives me  _ hmm’s  _ and the occasional  _ ahh’s.  _ If I was lucky, he’d throw in an ‘ _ interesting _ ’, or even an, ‘ _ I never knew that _ ’ if I happened to take a hold of his interest for long enough, straying him away from thoughts of his uncle. Although he doesn’t verbally apologize, as I only assume he is bogged down beyond belief, he re-laces his fingers through mine, or brushes his arm against shoulder as he has grown so fond of doing. I take that as an apology on its own, the best he can do for the time being… and I do appreciate it.

Amongst the curiosity he  _ really  _ tries to play into, I have a difficult time keeping most of his attention as his nerves get the best of him, always alert and vigilant of the force around us, which may point us in a newer, more focalized direction toward Skywalker at any given moment.

There is  _ much  _ I do not recognize here on Mykr, the darkened sky above and the lush green around us takes me back to Rodia, seeming to be in some kind of perpetual evening—maybe stuck in the last twenty minutes or so before nightfall—the further we ventured throughout the forest. I keep close to him, my own mind wandering off as I grow timid of our environment. My confidence seemed to shrink in places I had yet to ever visit.

What really worried me over the next hour was  _ him _ , and how indecisive his mind ran along with all its different thoughts, triggering different emotions. I had a hard time picking up confidence from him—it was shied away by the vast amount of panic that coursed through him, waiting on Skywalker. It seemed like a challenge for him to stand with one solitary thought, or one solid emotion. Despite my own worry, I did not pry, I did not dig any further than what he was allowing me to pick up on, nor did I sift through what he hadn’t meant for me to perceive, that had slipped through the cracks anyway.

He goes a long while by my side, his hand still holding mine, before it’s jostled with a tremor within my grasp that he cannot hide. He finally parts from me to secure his helmet to his head, the hissing cry the device makes startles nearby birds that flap their wings in the opposite direction of us, fleeing the area of such a sound. I only hold him more securely as he returns my hand within his. We continue our walk, I continue trying to settle his nerves as best I can.

My eyes latch on to some kind of group of lizards, laying still along the expanding branches of the trees to the Commander’s right. Some smaller, some larger and darker in color as their bodies are flattened out, as if they wish to press themselves against the tree as close as possible. Their eyes flash open, two doubled sets following our movements carefully from a distance. Lost, terrified in their gaze, I don’t notice an upcoming puddle, my boot sinking into it ankle-length deep as the Commander’s free hand reaches around my waist to steady me, his hand still holding mine and helping me out of the puddle.

“Easy.” He says, so calm, so collected, despite how fanatically his mind had been running over the topic of his uncle. I’d expect him to sound neurotic, but he surprises me. I grip his bicep with my free hand, stepping out of the puddle and shaking off my boot, thankful none of the murky water had sept through to my sock. He seems uninterested in the creatures lining the trees like moss, but he doesn’t let us stick around for very long, splitting the two of us out of the area and away from said creatures.

“Ysalamiri.” The reverberation of his helmet states simply, the ball thrown into his court for him to teach me a few things I had yet to learn. “They won’t come down from that tree for us unless we provoke them enough.” I tilt my head over my shoulder, leaning to the side to look past his towering shoulder, getting one last glimpse of the leathery creatures. I turn back ahead, shuddering at the thought, having never read about them. 

As we continue our walk, my feet sound out the alarms of protest, the tell tale sign that I was growing tired. The Commander simply lets go of my hand, slinging that arm around my backside to hug me closer to him, his hand resting comfortably on my hip, right beside my blaster, as if he were teasing me for bringing it along.

I can hardly pick up on his energy, only due to the fact that so much of himself was dedicated toward finding Skywalker, he didn’t tune in to much of his body’s natural urges and needs. His footsteps slow, his helmet scanning the area. At this point, I was unsure of how much time had passed, unsure if he himself had a clue as well. It almost seems as if he had singled someone out in the distance, but the downturn of his helmet tells me otherwise, his demeanor calming the smallest bit.

“We can head back to catch the shuttle up to the progress we’ve made, it’s too risky to continue on this far from it.” Pleased with his sudden statement, I gulp and give him a nod, ready to get out of the area, not thrilled by the idea of the distance that had been placed between us and our only way out of here. “ _ But, _ we need to return down a different path.” He adds on, his helmet scanning our surroundings, slowly, the rise and fall of his chest against my shoulder slowing as he takes everything in. My heart rate reacts just the opposite, clambering upward as I too examine what was in our vicinity, my senses wandering out as far as I could manage to pick up on  _ anything. _

He notices how daunted I have become, his helmet focusing on me. “Worried? Little fighter?” 

Alarmed, my body startles against him as the vocoder of his mask bellows louder than I had anticipated. I blow out a puff of air as he chuckles, daunted, as well as newly flustered by the nickname he had only recently come up with. “So jumpy, I see.” He jeered, his smirk almost audibly discernible within his words just as he nestled me closer to his side, his barred arm acting like a protective barrier between me and whatever creatures remained hidden within the shadows.

He’s able to quell my nerves before I can even voice them, as he mentions, “It isn’t smart to return the same way we have come—our scent is strong enough. It’ll take a bit longer, but it will be worth the trip.”

“Makes sense.” I huff, reluctantly. He simply wraps a stronger arm around my waist, to which I turn my body closer into him as we veer off to my left, through the thicket and slippery moss covered dirt as it squishes beneath our boots, heading back in the rough direction of where we had left the shuttle, where my little droid took up occupancy. 

I don’t need to ask any further about  _ what  _ exactly lurks out here that would warrant us to return a different way in which we had originally left—it made enough sense to me that  _ something  _ out there could estimate and find out location, picking up our scent. I wondered if he didn’t make it blatantly obvious since it was my first time here, on this gloomy planet. To be completely honest, I was glad he didn’t spell it out for me completely. In all of the times I had conducted searches on different planets and different moons within many star systems, the nature of this excursion made me feel as if my confidence had been stripped away… something was different. But at the same time, I harboured whatever confidence I had left and held onto it tightly, understanding that Ren needed that solid shoulder by his side if he were to ever falter—I would be there to help him.

The space between my eyes is pricked with that familiar pain, once more, so sharp and singular that it blurs my vision and nearly drains any color I could perceive of the forest around me. I wince and squint my eyes, turning my head inward to cram my face against his chest, hoping to dull or maybe take away from the ache. My steps grow careless and sloppy beside him as I’ve been overtaken by such an enlivening pain.

His footfalls come to a dead stop as he takes notice; a gloved hand is slid to the side of my face, his thumb pressing between my brows. I let out shattered breaths before him, my nails pricking into my palms in discomfort. “Stay right here, stay with me.” He reminds me, his voice showing his worry, believing I might slip away similar to how I had earlier in the day. I nod as I feel him draw out some of the pain, unable to eliminate it completely, but he buys me enough time to become used to the numb feeling left in its wake.

I stare up at a clear picture of Ren’s helmet, focused and no longer blurred around the edges. I sigh, thanking him, his thoughts alerting me that he was about ready to send me back to base, worried about whatever the neuralgia meant, or if it had an underlying purpose. Wondering if something was wrong with my physical self, or if the force was reaching out for my attention, telling me that something was  _ wrong. _

“I’d like to worry about one thing at a time, please.” I start, stepping forward and hoping he’d follow along. I am slowed, my body tugged on—unable to move him as his boots remain sunken into their spot on the softened ground below. I turn back to him with urgent eyes, practically begging him to drop it. He stands tall, shoulders squared as his body is like a broadened wall; I almost forget how intimidating he is as he grows angry, as it hardly ever was directed toward me, unlike how things used to be. His anger steadily rising, the singular word  _ dismissive  _ flashing bright red and hot within his mind. I shake my head, brows knitting together as they raise.

“I do not aim to be dismissive… I just want this for you, I want to help you find  _ him _ . We are already so close.” I persuade, apparently not well enough as his expressionless mask bores into me, passing  _ through  _ me, unrelenting. I hold the stare for a few moments, I  _ really  _ do not wish to leave because of something that may not be a big issue. He seems to give in, somewhat understanding my plea, finally hearing the sigh he releases through the helmet.

“Upon return to base—straight away—we figure out what has pained you. No exceptions.” He speaks like I am not the woman he cares for as he points a leather finger a few inches from my sights—I’m just someone that is meant to carry out an order. I think of how confusing of a claim that is for him to make, assuming we return to base with Skywalker, assuming that  _ he  _ would be Ren’s main problem, and certainly not whatever ailed me.

“Yes, yes, we will.” I bargain, throat growing dry at the very thought of something wrong with me, pushing past it before my growing worry changed his mind. I nod and tightened my arm around him, just as he takes an unwilling step forward to fasten his arm around my body once more. We brush past bare bushes, naked stems where the leaves have fallen. Over time I feel his point of focus shift between Skwalker and myself, knowing both were important. I tune out before I can see which he settles with.

I take in a deep breath as I hear rustling through the branches above our heads, small birds pattering their twig-like feet against stems and leaves. It riles my heart rate until I know for certain they are birds, and not some other kind of frightening creature I needed to be on the lookout for.

My fingers wad up and rub into the material of Ren’s cape, with enough time I would surely wear a hole through the fabric as I had rubbed into it so intensely, needing to relieve my nerves in some way.

By this time, his mind has settled a bit more, possibly because he knew this little venture back wasn’t leading us toward Skywalker—at least momentarily. Maybe because we could retrace our steps and move the shuttle, letting himself ramp down from the potentiality of a difficult conversation. I could sense he was mulling over what he was to say, what he was to _do_ once he found Skywalker. Deep down he was plotting, only showing me slivers and the tiniest _fragments_ of pieces—possibly choosing not saying anything at all. Possibly taking his uncle aboard the shuttle and doing away with him back at base. Possibly killing him on the spot, right here in the forest of Myrkr. He showed me a lot, but when it came to what he was to _do_ , that was hidden by layer upon layer of the hate for his uncle that I found had accumulated over the years, and I did not dare push any further than what he gave me.

I swallow down that feeling his endless, internal battle gave me as I simply viewed it from a secondhand perspective, feeling awful that he had lived with this feeling for quite some time. Removing my hand from my electrostaff, I point in the direction of a  _ different  _ variation of moss I had yet to see here. Most we had come across was yellow/green, a murky kind of color that was fuzzy to the touch. This new variation was spongy, darker green and spotted brown, like some kind of fungus that had grown over time.

“That’s a new one.” I mentioned to him, jittery at the sight of something I had never come across before. We had made a fairly good dent into the forest—although it was outer-rim, and I had yet to travel to all of the planets lining it, there were many new things I had yet to discover, something that  _ always  _ excited me.

His helmet turns in the same direction, slowing us down as he takes it in. His hold on me loosens, as he knows for certain I would like to take the time to check it out. I do just that as I shimmy out from under his cloaked embrace, my boots squeaking over to a log off to the right, where a tree had fallen and rotted away some time ago. Crouching down, I balance on my heels as I take the tips of my fingernails, gently brushing against the cushioned spore. The porous substance springs against my touch, enlarging before it retracts and shrinks in size in the particular spot.

“Mother of moons.” I say under my breath, “How repulsive.” But at the same time, I find extreme satisfaction in distracting my thoughts from our duties, as well as trying to keep Ren at ease, at least for a few fleeting moments. I take in the moss for a few moments more, unsure of the likelihood of seeing something like it ever again.

“I appreciate this—what you’re doing for me.” He expressed from behind me with kindness, his voice velvety and smooth although it passes through his vocoder. I am thankful he has moved on from worrying about these headaches of mine, sauntering back to the light and adoring banter we always exchanged with one another. With a tight grin plastered onto my face, I answer with, “I don’t mind it at all.” Watching the spore enclose on itself, tighter and tighter as I had irritated it. I wondered when it would open back up.

I feel him smile, although I do not see it, and I add on, “I like sensing you as you take in new information—you really do hold onto the things I say.”

“I’ve held onto  _ everything  _ regarding you _. _ ” He proclaimed, easily. Slowly, I rose to my feet, facing him, noticing his head had been tilting up to the darkened treeline above, somewhat surprised with his own comment, like it was a load on him to keep a hold of. I chuckle as I approach, his helmet turning back to take me in. “Do you mind that you’re the filing cabinet that contains all that has to do with me?” I challenge, playfully stepping into him a bit as he lets me, redirecting our steps to veer off to the side. 

“Not one bit.” He jested, his response supplied rather quickly. I fall a bit flustered, having assumed that he would feel tied down with knowing my exact feelings regarding whatever I happened to face at any given moment: my opinions on trivial matters as I approached them, measly interactions when he wasn’t around, my hopes as I waltzed around during day to day duties, my dreams as I was fast asleep at night. He knew it all, knew me better than probably anyone else. One would think  _ anyone _ would grow tired of the ever-updating status reports that my mind happened to supply him with. At some point, he would have to come across  _ something  _ that would deflect him.

“It is doubtful you could ever deflect me.” He asserted, interjecting my thoughts. I laugh, hard to understand how smitten I was by him, and he by me in return. I had never experienced anything like this with anyone, and it kept becoming more and more in depth, continuously understanding one another, like we could keep digging away at it just to unearth how tightly wound together we were. 

To compensate for how intensely the force began to hum around us, satisfied with the lighthearted comments tossed back and forth, I quit dwindling his cape between my fingers, letting my arm wrap around his extensive backside as best I could, hugging him closer to me. Our steps grew a bit faster as we noticed nighttime on this planet was fast approaching, visibility out before us lessening more and more.

We couldn’t seem to get enough of each other after that, settling the side of my face between his bicep and chest, his arm wrapping tightly around me, his hand having casually slipped underneath the material of my shirt, his leathered finger resting on my hip bone as he stroked it.

In a perfect galaxy, Skywalker wouldn’t have been the focal point to our day; we could make our way through the forest, return to the shuttle to pass the time with each other  _ however  _ we wished. We could go about this planet, or any planet for that matter, however we wished. Living harmoniously, away from the Order, away from the Resistance. Distancing ourselves from all that had ever weighed heavily over us, impeding our lives. I can’t keep myself from dreaming up scenarios, fueled to continue on  _ especially  _ at the very feeling of him flipping through said thoughts in observation.

I can then sense an emboldenment within him, as he airs something he had kept to himself for the past few days, deciding that now was a good time to shed light onto it.

“Would it interest you to share my bed with me? When we turn in for the night?”

Beneath his sultry voice, I can sense the bashfulness he exudes as he waits for my answer, most definitely picking up how bashful I have become, if he hadn’t already noticed how bright my cheeks had lit up. I respond, right when he thinks he needs to add on more, easing my worry that I could in fact decline his offer, and not bruise his ego.

“Yeah, I would like that, a lot.” I breathed, immediately feeling his chest fall against my cheek as he let out a deep breath of air. “Good, good.” He replies, his mind already jutting toward past scenarios where we had been on a bed, or on a blanket out in the lush forest of Takodana, and the events that transpired always at the end of the day.

He is well marked, and rather daring as his mind ventures to the explicit details and the  _ feelings _ from those times together, caring,  _ intimate  _ embraces from  _ both  _ parties. Great times indeed, but I pick up that it meant a lot to him, how he could hardly comprehend what splendor was achieved then, and how there was even more up ahead that had yet to be accomplished by the two of us. I can see that he enjoys both instances where we have become  _ closer  _ with one another, unable to choose either time he favored more as they were both special to him. I grin, biting the inside of my cheek at the thought of it all.

“You’d be amazed to know… there  _ is  _ such a way to accomplish both at the same time.” I dared, filling him in on matters he was apparently unaware of, even exciting myself at the mere thought of doing something like that with him.

He brings us to a stop, his helmet motioned down to search my face, like I had just broken the news of a grand discovery to him. He is silent for a few passing moments, analyzing my words as I sense him doing so, refraining from babbling like a fool, although he is entirely capable of doing so within the moment. Excitement nips at his words as he finally speaks, “We will have to try that out.”

My cheeks, and my chest glow with my own warmth, glad he had picked up on it, glad it didn’t bother him, noticeably happier and more content than how we had entered the forest system of Myrkr. The grin I wore only grew deeper as we stared at each other, and it stayed plastered on my face as we set foot for the shuttle once more.

Abruptly popping the bubble of glowing radiancy the two of us had resided in, my smile is hidden away as his gloved hand quickly clamps down over it, securing away the possibility of making any noticeable sound. His arm latches over my shoulder, pressing my body closer to him as he lowers the mouthpiece of his helmet to my temple, his cape rolling over his shoulders and encasing the two of us within it. The cold metal leans against my skin, his movements skillfully careful, his words fragile and overwrought as they delicately pass through the force and to me.

_ Don’t say a word _

I frown, his large, clamped hand tiring out my jaw as I only do what I can by searching in front of me, my darting eyes only concluding the few trees and scattered shrubbery lining the ground a few feet ahead, before my sight was stolen away from me by the vast night.

Upon first discovery, I had but assumed he was becoming playful with me. Time soon told me that he was nowhere near messing around—something was happening, and it was around us. Only then do my senses catch up to whatever had tipped off Ren’s, sensing the large creature that had not yet made itself visible.

Ren’s hand mindfully releases from around my mouth, steadily lowering his arm to his belt line right beside my torso. The small  _ clip _ of his saber from his belt is almost inaudible, but Ren’s body tenses against mine nevertheless at the sound, his fingers squeezing the life out of the hilt—beyond those darkened gloves of his were surely white knuckles, thin skin stretched across bone like a veil. I slide my own hand across my side and to my electrostaff, too unsure to stretch my head in the opposite direction to take in more of our surroundings. The force wasn’t guiding me to the exact location of the creature, it only warned me of its presence in our general vicinity.

Ren’s helmet glides over my shoulder, his body turning almost mechanically to avoid the crunch of the leaves below. At a cliff snail’s pace, I convert my body the same way he has, looking over my shoulder to find no change in scenery as compared to facing the opposite direction. I swallow the lump in my throat, allowing myself to  _ feel  _ the fear of the unknown, just as I sense he has, to ultimately let it fuel me, as I knew I would need it to make it out alive.

_ Can you discern where it is? _

I send out to him, and to my dismay, I watch the ever so subtle shake of his head, answering in the negative. I frown, disliking the odds. In a fight, the odds were mostly even, given that the environment was well suited for combat. Depending on who had the upper hand to begin with, it could still be an even fight if one happened to outwit the other. Here, we were in this creature’s domain, as well as the  _ dark _ . If it came to placing bets, they wouldn’t be placed on Ren and I.

_ Slowly,  _ the two of us circle, Ren making it known that he was to lead, ensuring to cast his body over me entirely. My eyes dashed around, hoping to find any sign of the creature, unable to perceive how far I was actually looking, and if I happened to be looking far enough, as the darkness was too dense to configure the distance. I even squint my eyes in hopes of adjusting better to the shadows beyond—it has no actual effect but I continue doing so to quell my nerves.

I know there’s no logical reasoning to fleeing the scene—whatever it was had surely stalked us this far, and if we provided a chase, the creature, I’m sure, would have no problem speeding up the pace. I could ask Ren what kind of creature it was, but ultimately, it would only take away from his concentration as well as mine. I needed to trust him  _ and  _ the force to ensure when to back off, and when to fight.

What I had assumed to be Ren’s vocoder, was actually a bottomless growl, deep and lengthy that had come directly from behind me. The Commander immediately sweeps out a brisk leg to stand in front of my body, his right arm barring outward to his side, his saber singing to life before it has fully detached from his hip. The sound of the creature startles me, my body jostling closer toward my Commander. My hand gravitates to my electrostaff, the two ends jutting outward at my right side, my thumb only ghosting the ignition button to fire the blades.

Then, I am able to see what Ren had: a set of golden, circular eyes that become reflective as they mirror the saber’s glow. They flicker as if some kind of thin, shiny film swipes over its vision, only telling me that the creature was passing its gaze between Ren and I. Its growl bellows deeper, becoming more engine-like, rattled with a series of spiky snarls and grunts, severely angered and intrigued by the two of us.

Ren’s hand zips back to my own in a flash, grabbing a hold of my wrist that I had planned to outstretch toward the hidden creature, my nerves overcoming my decision making skills and deciding for me to do away with the creature as best I knew how—through the force.

_ They have evolved to sense the force _ — 

He sends out as he shoves me back behind him from where I once came, rather violently, as if he used more strength than necessary to get me back in place. He had sensed me too soon, barely letting me step out beside him.

— _ you cannot stop it with your abilities, they are drawn to force users _ .

His body is solid in front of me as he hunches into a battle-like position, right hand raising his saber out before him. His hand firmly placed on the small of my back, having wound around me to press my frontside against his backside, fingers twitching lightly in anticipation. I peak my head out from behind his shoulder, the steam his breath emits through his helmet illuminated by the scarlet glow of his weapon. I can still make out the eyes that beam an amber color as the red saber mixes with the gold irises from afar, deadpanning on the two of us. Unable to see the outline of the creature, the force fills in the blank spots for me, alluding to how  _ large  _ and potentially  _ dangerous  _ this creature was.

Two sets of extra eyes flicker open, flanking the sides of the first one. I feel Ren stand taller against me, despite how loud his nerves have grown, how tightly meshed they have braided within my own. My confidence cracks down the middle as I witness his own worry, his fear and doubts of making it out of this kind of situation—dread fills him at the thought of something happening to me. He thinks of ways to put himself in danger, deflecting the risk from me. I shake my head at how outlandish his thoughts have grown, knowing I’d never let him put himself in harm's way in order to save my life. My grip on my staff quakes, letting up on how tightly I had been clenching it, in fear of accidentally powering the weapon on and startling the creatures any more than the saber already had.

I feel the deliverance of a swift punch to the gut, something stripped away from me, like a dropped comm call that had disconnected mid conversation. It completely knocks the air from my lungs as I am left stunned and in wonderment of such an awful feeling, grappling with the fact that I had known too well—I had been through this once before.

“Y-you… you…” I stammer a muffled whisper into his shoulder, my lips pressing into the material of his uniform. He presses his backside closer to my front, in a compassionate, almost apologetic, fashion before he gives me his response. “There is a chance they will leave us alone if we tune out the force.” He says swiftly, barely tangible words that he held above a low breath as it exited his lungs, almost unable to be picked up by his vocoder.

He had severed the tie between us.

I shuddered as I piled high those familiar building blocks between the force and I as best I could, just as he had—there was no way to ward it off completely, but there was a way to silence, to become less enveloped in it all. The feeling almost made me sick, hiding away something powerful behind strategically placed walls, like I was hiding away my true self, something that had grown to become such a big part of me, the very thing that connected myself to Ren. 

I knew this feeling of  _ blocking out  _ all too well, I had once talked myself into it, accepted it and gone about my life with it in the back of my mind, just as Ren had, at least for a few days while he and I fought off our true feelings for one another.

His free hand that wasn’t holding his saber retracts from my backside, resting on my upper thigh, that had trembled along with the rest of my limbs as I settled my body against him. Force sensitive creatures? Nothing I had  _ ever  _ come across, nothing I had ever taught students, nor received my own training for; this wasn’t anything I had ever suspected I would face. If we had to rely strictly on combat to fight off these beasts, it was unlikely we would make it out unscathed, as we were outnumbered.

The eyes of the three hidden beasts became bigger and more rounded off, as I understood they had been moving in closer—my Commander’s tactic proving ineffective.

I want to reach out to Ren, to ask him what comes next, to glean what he was thinking at a time like this—cursing myself for not reading into him better only moments ago while our bond was still flowing between us. Now I release a shaky sigh, noticing how his body has mirrored a similar tremor alike my own as his stance becomes wider, readying himself for a fight. Any small step I take to the side is blocked by him as he constantly moves to shelter me—any other time I would become combative, I would argue with him that I could handle my own. That I could protect  _ him  _ as he protected  _ me. _

With my thumb nearly ready to press my weapon to life, my eyes bored wide as saucers as I kept my tear-filled sights on the multiple creatures; I drag my lips against the backside of Ren’s shoulder, placing small kisses against him as deep into the material I can manage, wanting to get as close as I could to him for however long I had left to.

“Margot, please.” He whispers, his hand on my thigh squeezing sensually, fingers digging into the fabric of my pants as if he wanted to break through it. I swallow a sob at the mention of my name, only a soft wince able to escape my throat as I carefully wrap an arm up and around his shoulder to hug him close, pressing my lips firmer against him.

I cannot imagine going out in such an awful way, completely isolated within my own mind, blocked off from what he and I shared, as if we were merely the two people we had been when we first met. Out of sync, on two polar opposite ends of the spectrum. I would be damned if I went out, bested and defeated, without making it last.

“No, no—none of that, we’re not done yet.” He says valiantly, a little louder than before, sure of himself that we would make it out of here. I frown, wishing to believe him,  _ maybe  _ if there was only one, and not a trio—only able to believe that he was confident in himself. Thoughts whir within my bleak mind all alone, for  _ only  _ me to sift through as some wisp about and collect together, reconstructed and laid out neatly before me so suddenly. 

It’s obvious, it’s painstakingly obvious what I  _ want  _ to confess to him in this moment, something that wouldn’t be much of a surprise to him as we had already declared how much we had meant to each other, constantly transferred in each other’s company… yet, he has no clue I wish to air it, as my thoughts are no longer broadcasted to him.

“Kylo…” I spilled, his name tasting bitter in my mouth as I had only wished to have said it more often before now—my chest heaving as I fought back the wanton urge to weep into his shoulder. He shakes his head, his hand stroking my thigh. “This isn’t the end.” He dared, sounding like he was attempting to convince himself, as well as me.

Before anything else, I hear the crack of the saber’s swing as Ren flings me backward, the scarlet arch the weapon leaves behind stains the air before him, partially illuminating one of the beasts that had lunged for him. Only as I hit the ground can I make out the outline of such a beast, a large canine covered by matted, almost leathery fur.

Hastily, I power on my staff as I am on my side, before I have fully begun to sit up. My weapon throws light out around me, revealing the second beast that had circled around Ren. Dazed and petrified, I mistakenly reach my left arm out on an impulse, wishing to deflect said beast, but instead I am served the harsh reminder that our abilities have no use against creatures such as these. The mutt merely charges forward, as if it had been waiting on me to try something like this.

Commander Ren is one step ahead, lunging his weapon backward and thrusting upward to slice the beast’s side as I muddle my staff within my grasp. Such a creature bellows loudly into the night, falling back just as the third steps in. I scramble to my feet, watching as he kicks the mutt in front of him, whining and hissing at him as it cowers back momentarily. The third stalks closer to me and I twirl my staff around, the hilt nearly slipping within my grasp as my hands have grown clammy.

Ren steps backward, blocking the third creature’s path to me as he paints the space around him with his lightsaber, warding off the first creature from coming any closer to him. He balances the two without giving me a shot, severely inconveniencing himself.

“Ren!” I yell angrily, moving from around him to get a better view of the shielded beast. It has come closer, flickering its eyes between Ren and I. The Commander ignores me, that metal helmet of his snapping forward and to his right, constantly keeping tabs on the two beasts that were moving in on us.

I step forward, readying myself for this third beast, but my boots kick up dirt as my body is scooted further backward, away from him and the three creatures. I yell out, pressing against the force, watching Ren’s hand at his side curve, his fingers sticking outward with a tremble.

“I’ve got this—quit it!” I yell at him, pushing back harder just as the third beast leaps from around him. I duck, swinging out my staff and slicing its backside, hearing its angered protests raining down around me. Ren’s body pivots my way, making sure I was still intact. I huff, focusing my eyes as I have lost the mutt to the dense, darkened forest surrounding us. My ears perk—I listen to the low growls, trying to gleen where it had moved as it safely stalked behind the trees and bushes.

I take a few paces backward, closer to Ren, seeing that the second mutt has returned from the shelter of the vegetation after having licked the first initial wound, courtesy of my Commander. Ren swings his weapon out before the two, acting as a warning to them not to advance any further. I shudder out a breath as I search for the third, blinking away tears that had been produced only minutes ago, still deciding to stick around.

I feel immensely panicked and scatterbrained—despite the fact that Ren and I had each other blocked out, I still found it impossible to focus my mind on seeking out the third and final beast. I feel the force twinging around me, small sparks of life I still had shielded myself away from. My mind traveled far too quickly for me to keep up with, which wasn’t normal for me in combat. What made things different now? 

I lower my end, only to be impaled by the Commander’s immediate worry, desire and hysteria within the moment. I choke back a sob, the feeling so powerful it sits in my chest and weighs me down so heavily, I nearly fall to the floor. I peer over my shoulder to he who supplied me with such feelings, watching him fight against the two before him: just as one lunges forward, Ren angles his saber to accommodate the angle of their bodies, striking them where it counts.

I sense the drumming of the force, but I am too slow, the third beast leaping out from the bushes. I scream as barbed claws slice down my shoulder and to my forearm. Ren pulls me back before the beast is able to sink its teeth down completely, to which I am able to send my staff traveling upward to knick said beast in the face.

I fall on my rear directly behind the Commander, scrambling to my feet as the third creature stalks side to side ahead of me. The connection between Ren and I is alive and well, so much so that I can decipher every single emotion that runs through him: mainly angered with himself that he was foolish enough to keep us out here, in the middle of the forest, at such a late hour. As I gulp through my cottonmouth, Ren’s hand finds my side as our backs brush against one another.

Ren’s hand slides up my thigh, reaching around and to my belt. He unclips and staggers for my blaster, shoving it into my free hand forcefully. I grind my teeth and curse myself for not remembering sooner, sending immediate fire toward the third beast before me, the multiple slices down my arm stinging in objection. This only agitates the beast further, lunging forward as a warning and batting the air. I scoot back directly into Ren, whose hand still rests on my thigh—his thoughts aching to get me out of such a situation as this, damning himself.

Ren slams into my backside as I hear the uproar of his saber against the beasts. He shouts, so loud his vocoder cracks down the middle. I stick my staff outward toward the third in front of me, sending fire over the Commander’s shoulder and landing a few on the first and second beast. His hand has retracted from my thigh, now clutching his chest. I snap my head back to the beast before me, swinging my staff outward and screaming at it in an attempt to ward it off just as it has swung its tail in my direction, which, thankfully, takes a few paces backward. Only then do I notice the wisp-like tendrils on the end of the creature’s tail, definitely something it could use as a defense mechanism, or a way to stun whatever or whoever became tangled up with such a creature.

My eyes immediately flee to where the Commander had been clutching himself. It was too dark to see it, but I was fully capable of sensing the pain emitting from the lengthy wound he had been delivered.

“You’re injured.” I yell above the crackling of his saber, and the muted buzz of my staff. He slides my body backward once more, my backside pressed right up against his. “As well as you.” He remarked back at me. I can hear it in his voice—he is tired, and he is in definite pain. I can sense it through the force that he riles up his pain to an even further extent, just as he presses his gloved fist into the wound, rubbing against and agitating the minced flesh. I grow faint as I sense it, the great amount of this pain he hones in on for personal use only.

“No.” I correct him, his pain so immense that it towers over my own, “You’re  _ injured. _ ” I relay back to him, shaking my head immediately after telling him so. It wasn’t doing any good. The creature before me snarls as it springs forward, batting its large paws at my boots as I stagger back further. This time, there isn’t any leeway as I reel backward against Ren. Now he is tense in his spot, unwilling, or unable to take any steps further.

I yell back at the beast, twirling and swinging my staff as I take a few steps outward, no longer crowding Ren and allowing him some room. This time I intentionally  _ aim  _ to injure the animal, continuously swinging until I have sliced what seems to be one of its shoulders. I hear Ren yell out behind me, but I am unable to look back to help him as the one before me charges forward once again. Lurching backward, I have to tuck and roll out of the creature's way, lest I become its next meal.

I leap to my feet, stealing a quick glance the Commander’s way to find him having trouble standing to his knees, both hands shakily holding his lightsaber pointed out before him, aimed at the first and second beast. I turn back to my own, swinging my staff out with such power that it carries my body forward along with it. I nail the beast on the top of its head, reeling the Commander to me from his knees just as the opportunity to do so opens up.

I sling an arm under his shoulder, helping him gather to his feet, swaying and sweeping my staff in front of us to ward off all three. The Commander follows in line, his saber’s outcry through the air loud enough to send some of them retreating backward, at least for the moment. My third lunges once more, and I am forced to jut out to the right and further away from the Commander once more.

This third beast has found a way to pin me away from the Commander, standing directly between him and I as he faces two of his own. I send blaster fire at the opposite two as I see them advancing onto Commander Ren, who fearlessly oscillates his saber over his head and around his shoulder, confusing and disorienting the beasts.

I feel a bit disoriented myself, the constant fight back and forth between the beast and I growing old, tiring me out immensely as my adrenaline is persistently peaking with no amount of rest. Blood drips down the expanse of my arm, slicking my grip on the blaster as it pools into the palm of my hand. I stretch my arm out time and time again, the wound aching with a soreness that reaches down to the bone—I know I unintentionally have always sent out my pain to the Commander as he does the same to me. I have a taste of what he feels, but it is much different to experience it firsthand. I feel miserable that I send him my own pain, only tacking him down a few more notches, undeserving of it as he had enough to deal with alone.

Losing my grip on the present as I delve into the pain of my Commander, the beast before me strikes outward, that I am barely able to block. The beast makes a second strike, to which I am unprepared for, chomping its teeth into my right thigh rather desperately as it has grown tiresome of our back and forth exchange. I scream as I crack the end of my staff down against its face, the zapping, electric blade slicing directly over its eye.

It cowers backward a few feet, clearly in pain, while giving me a clearer view of the Commander right as the second beast clamps its jaws around his extended forearm, the first beast circling around to slice across his lower abdomen with its venomous tail. To my utter disbelief, Commander Ren falls astern, just as his end of the bond does, slamming down onto his back in front of the two beasts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DUDEEEE HELLOOOOO (I feel like I apologize every time I post a chapter for updating late, i'msorrysorrysorrysorrysorry omg.) I do NOT want to take this long to update ever ever ever again, I feel embarrassed. The holidays hit me, as well as family problems, college finals, even more family problems, personal mental health/feeling like my story is incredibly insignificant, wondering if anyone even reads fics about Kylo anymore, falling into a writing rut--BUT HELLO I'm here!! I still read many different Kylo fics on this website, so even if you thought I was gone, I was here in some way heheh.  
> \--Can you believe I used to update WEEKLY? Things were a bit easier at the beginning of this quarantine, now it proves to be a bit more difficult.  
> \--Do people still read and enjoy this story? I promise I have this fic mapped out, filled with juicy twists and an ending that I would totally love not to describe in any way shape or form so it is an ABSOLUTE surprise.  
> \--Please let me know any kind of thoughts regarding this fic (here's a cookie if you've read this note THIS far) I really appreciate those that still read along when they can- I'm still struggling with understanding how I can put my ideas out there for people to read... and people actually ya know... READ THEM AND LIKE IT??  
> \--Thank you thank you thank you once more, I love y'all that have given this fic your time. I consider y'all my friends and love reading your thoughts and opinions. I'm so excited to finish this, I only hope you are ready for what's in store.  
> xoxoxoxoxoxoxox omg I feel so mushy <3 read the next chapter and I'll see you in those notes too, lmao.


	30. Chapter 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ok here's a snack and some water. love u have fun

The force spasms all around me as I watch Ren surge with pain, slow to move as he lays there, no longer defending himself as his saber rests listlessly in his gloved grasp. Time seems to slow as I study him, shell-shocked from the blow, his signature within the force noticeably threatened. I broke out of the fog casted over me, screaming and shouting at beasts animalistically, angered beyond belief as I steady my blaster, sending shots at the two that had begun to circle him. The third approaches me and I send the heel of my boot to stomp against its neck, hearing its painful cries as it runs toward the others.

“Back! Get  _ back _ !” I scream harshly at all three, my voice strained so high it gives out sheepishly. They scatter about, moving around as if they want to move in closer, until they cower back. I continue to yell, casting them further back as I approach.

I observe him. Ren.  _ My  _ Commander, down for the count. I slide to my knees, sheltering him with my body as I swing a leg out to cover us both, one of my arms splayed over his body as if I were his personal human shield. He hardly moves, his helmet leaning forward to get a look at the creatures before us. Now he holds both arms over his chest and abdomen, his body wreaking with pain as it is also sent out to me. I grit down and swing my staff outward in large sweeps, fearing it wouldn’t get the job done.

With my free hand, I take his lightsaber out from his grasp and power it on, the weight of it in my hands heavy, but somewhat familiar as I drop my staff at my side. I cast the saber out before us as I hunch myself over his body, the red glow heating my face, its sheer brightness nearly blinding me as I take in account all three beasts, staring back at me. His signature in the force is distinguishable, but not the same as it once was, as familiar and powerful as it  _ always  _ had been. The force surrounding us alerts me that he is now compromised, as if it were starting the countdown of a clock—his clock.

I collect my breath as best I can as it sputters and jostles in my chest. “Get  _ BACK!”  _ I scream as they fail to listen to my warning, straightening out a bit more and sweeping his saber just as one of them had sauntered a bit too close. Ren’s body convulses against mine, I snap my head to him to assess the damage, but it is all too dark, and my attention—as well as the radiance of his saber—must be kept on the mutts, unable to distinguish how bad his injuries were. I would have to rely on the force alone to tell me, and at the time, even that wasn’t good enough on its own.

He places a hand on my calf that’s pressed beside him, my hand venturing to his exposed chest on instinct. My hand flinches and retracts as it is immediately coated in his rich, balmy blood. The fragrant smell wafts into my senses, unsettling me and twisting the pit of my stomach into coils. I grab a hold of his hand on my calf momentarily, giving it an encouraging squeeze. I collect his thoughts amongst the force, negative, downcasted toward the likes of him making it out alive. He’s started to wonder outward, envisioning  _ me  _ to be the one to bring Skywalker back to base, reveling in all the glory, being named the one to have brought back someone we had been looking for for quite some time.

“Quit that.” I say shakily, letting go of his hand after I give it one last squeeze to return it to the saber’s hilt. All these crestfallen thoughts do for me is convolute my inner drive, my will power to continue onward and out of this fucking situation. “I’m sorry.” I can hear him rasp within his helmet. I bite my lip and sway the saber out in front of the two of us once some more to stray from the urge to sob; his voice weak and apologetic enough to gnaw away at my heart  _ so  _ thoroughly—a haunting apology I would never be able to rid my mind of from this point on.

My arms falter and wobble with the saber tight within my grasp; I feel that there  _ has  _ to be more for me to do here, if we are to walk away from this endeavour with our lives. I sense that there is more I can call upon, but the act of doing so makes little sense to me. I steal a glance at Ren, whose breathing has grown incredibly loud and laborious below me, unsure of which emotions to reach out for to focus on as they all swarmed above my head.

Between my absolute exhaustion, and the ever-climbing worry I had dedicated for Ren alone, one of the creatures rushes forward, sinking its fangs into the leg I had jutted out before me. I screech at the pain, as a result, sending the saber forward and into the neck of the creature. The two that happened to be flanking weave inward at the same time right as the first falls to the floor.

Without thinking, I drop Ren’s saber to the ground as it powers off, placing both hands out in front of me in an act of self defense. All of my fears, all the trepidation and distress I could conjure up from within me, pools at the center of my chest, shimmying through my shoulders to travel down my arms as I feel it discharges through the ends of my fingers. White hot bolts, alike  _ lightning,  _ flow through me to strike down the three creatures. 

All three yelp and howl into the night as it flashes through their bodies and lights them up completely, their pain clearly echoing off every bristly branch on every tree surrounding us, carrying farther throughout the forest than I could comprehend. The creatures recoil from such a blow, drawing back immediately as they wail about, ready to seek asylum  _ far  _ from here. The tang of Ren’s blood is finally overpowered by the scent of burnt hair and flesh as it sticks in the air, even after the beasts have departed. 

I slump from my knees and onto the ground in exhaustion, my arms feeling more like trunks of trees, sinking to my sides under an unbelievable weight. Woozy, I examine the tips of my fingers to see they have been singed, the ends of my nail beds blackened and burnt by the scorching heat I still hadn’t understood how I could possibly emit.

“Impres-s-sive.”

I whip back as I hear his struggle, the ends of my fingers numb as I take a handful of the material covering his upper chest, above where his arms were wound about. I swallow hard, feeling how urgently my brow wishes to smush downward in such a heavy grief, but I do what I can to pay it no attention. He is also curious about this new ability of mine, but is too pained to comment any further on it.

I feel that pain of his. It comes in strong waves, jolting through his body from the entrance point of his abdomen. He lays on his back, but his spine is arched forward, as if it would be a chore to lie flat, or maybe, too painful to expose his wound to the muggy air. I study him as best I can in this lighting; the better my eyes focus, the clearer the cut, and the ripped, bloodied flesh comes into view. He still has yet to unwind his arms from around himself, maybe shielding me from the full extent of his injuries.

“My pain doesn’t warrant s-such a stare on that beautiful face. You could lighten up, _ sweetheart _ .”

I’m unsure of what slips past my lips—a laugh, a sob, a scoff. I tear my sights away from his wound, fingers crawling up to the latches of his mask. The hiss resounds, although I expect it, it  _ still  _ startles me, my body springing backward only for a moment. 

With great care, I lift his helmet off, cradling the backside of his head to help him out. I can vaguely see him in the night,  _ my  _ Ren, long strands of hair plastered on the sides of his cheeks and forehead. His lips are spread as thin as can be, showing his pain, eyes softening from their sharpened default once they meet mine.

Bewildered, I leaned down and kissed him fervently, before anything else could get in my way of doing so. One of his arms unwraps from around his abdomen, placing a gloved hand on my bicep as our lips mold together. He kisses me back as much as he can as tears drip from my cheeks and onto his. I breathlessly retract to take him in, as much as I can in this lighting.

As believable his jokes seemed to be, counting how quickly his expression softened as our eyes met, he  _ was  _ in a  _ genuine  _ kind of pain. It was obvious he was hurt from the creature’s tail, but he also strained himself to keep the extent of his injuries from transferring to me. And as calmed as his voice sounded, his lightheartedness didn’t do much for me, I could see right through it.

I bite back the sigh, simply taking a trembling hand to brush his hair out of his vision, wiping my own tears from his cheeks. He opens his mouth, then sucks in a tender breath, eyes pressing shut as his body curls inward some more, clearly having a hard time. 

My other hand rounds the side of his head and to his cheek, resting delicately against his clement skin. I sense him—his thoughts are disconnecting at impressive speeds, splitting in half and reconnecting to other halves of different ideas, some past and some present. He knows where he is, he knows what’s happened, but what was next for us… the pain blurred all direct and undeviating paths  _ anywhere. _

I feel the rumblings of a sob constructing in my chest, understanding just how unclear and unfocused he had become from the swift knock of the creature’s venomous tail. I muse out to the force, collecting my breath and gathering the strength I had to assess if I could accomplish what I had only begun to piece together, my fingers crawling downward and splaying across his shoulder to better read into him, to see what strength and what sanity was still left in him.

“Don’t even  _ think  _ about it.” He snaps at me harshly and jerks his head up toward mine, as he grabs one of my hands away from resting upon his shoulder. His eyes remain commanding and narrowed onto me as he had been steady enough to read the thoughts I had begun to compose. His clutch around my wrist is vise-like, his fingers digging into my carpal bones, albeit, nearly crushing them. I hadn’t even begun to vocalize it—he had already sensed I would think along these lines before I even got to.

His sudden surge of temper startles me, I do my best to reassure. “I’m only assessing the situation.” I tell him calmly, not completely true. I  _ had  _ begun to think about it, wondering that, since I had barely managed it the last time, maybe I had grown strong enough since then. I shook my hand within his, he loosened his grip  _ meagerly. _

“You  _ were  _ thinking about it—and you’re not doing it again.” He scolds, as if I am a simple peg below him in the machine of the Order. I nod, my lip fumbling the slightest bit at how charged his words were. I could handle them on any given day, understanding why he didn’t want me to help him along the lines I had been thinking of, but in this dire of a situation, all emotions were reaching brand new heights that I had yet to learn how to control.

He slid my wrist out of his hand and took my hand within his, bending me down closer to him so his opposite could cup the side of my face. I lean closer, the anger that had so briskly filled him noticeably etching away. “It’s far too risky for you... this injury doesn’t warrant such healing.” He says, a bit softer, his facial features lightening up as he tries to convince me along with the nod of his head, and a huff from his chest. I give him a somber nod, my eyes panning all over the blood that covered him, and the subtle twitch he tried to hide. He turns my face with his hand to look him directly in the eye, a small smile creeping onto his lips.

“The strength you possessed the last time, on Rodia—you nearly erased the dark within me. You are more than  _ capable _ , as always, but it would only compromise us both.” He adds on, trying to coax me into his own train of thought. I nod slowly, leaning my face into his palm as tears roll down my cheeks, dropping and  _ splatting _ onto his uniform below me.

“You once told me I would turn you to the light… yet, you came back to me.” I think outwardly, deciphering it as if it were code. His lips part meagerly, then shut as they purse together, mid thought, his browline fumbling as he took everything in. Quickly, I kiss the inside of his hand, dismissing my own comment, understanding that he was to only become  _ worse _ —giving me but a preliminary view of what his anger could transform into—and it was going to progress until there wasn’t a shred of him left. This alone kickstars me, lighting a fire beneath the soles of my boots.

“We need to continue on to the shuttle, there, at least, I can pilot us out of here.” I tell him, the same thing he would be telling me if I was in his position. He is too clouded with pain to understand the next move, his emotions are strung out in every direction, and the manner in which he looks at me  _ almost  _ tells me he is confused as to why we were leaving in the first place. His brows ease upward as his eyes scan the forest floor beyond us, giving me a terse nod as he eventually collects what thoughts he has into one line of reasoning, grasping with the idea of  _ why _ we needed to get going  _ now. _

I can’t let these confusing, fleeting moments be his last.

_ Carefully,  _ I rock to the balls of my feet as I crouch next to him, slinging an arm to wind around his boundless backside as best I could, alike lending a helping hand to a Wookie. He sucks in an unexpected breath as he sits further forward, huffing out the air through his nose as I guide his right leg to bend at the side, helping him crouch on his own. Once both boots are solid on the ground, I rise alongside of him, both arms of mine wrapped around him. His hands grip my forearms to help keep steady; I watch as his teeth sink into that pillowy bottom lip of his, trying to stay as silent as possible.

As we both stand, my left leg exclaims with pain from below, from where one of the creature’s had stolen a bite out of me. The pain carries off with my breath as Ren staggers against me to try and stabilize himself, keeping himself hunched due to the severe pain. He gives me a quick glance as I steady  _ myself _ and ignore my own injuries _ ,  _ the look he gives me is all too telling, there’s enough of him left within his stare, saying something along the lines of ‘ _ Don’t kill yourself to save me, you’re hurt too.’ _

We walk in the same direction we had been, before our run-in with the creatures of the night. If I squint, I can see a considerable distance ahead of me, but no matter how hard I try, or how hard I strain my eyesight, the shuttle is nowhere in sight. I am well aware that we are a ways away, but I cannot tell if Ren could make it all that way, completing all the steps it took to land us where we needed to be.

With each step forward, he takes a jagged breath of air in, and he does not release it until a few steps later, holding it in, letting it slip out here and there as it is too painful to let a full breath flow out of him all at once. His upper body is slumped against my shoulder, his head dipping down in front of my vision as he becomes weaker and weaker. I simply raised my head higher, planting a kiss of encouragement on his cheek, to which he would lift his head as well as he could manage as we trudged on.

I step first, one of his sizable boots follows my own not long after, careful to keep him balanced against me—a single fall could be what turns this walk of ours into his last. Every few steps or so, his exposed flesh drips a series of blood droplets onto my boots as well as his, surely leaving a trail of breadcrumbs for any other creatures that dared follow. He also leaks his blood onto my uniform, my entire left arm now  _ soaked  _ from my blood as well as his.

My mind worries further and wider as the minutes go by, not seeming to be any closer to the shuttle as our steps were vastly slower than they would have been had it not been our injuries. I began planning on what I was to do if he could no longer go on, sprinting the rest of the way to the shuttle to bring it back to him? Stay with him, hoping for someone to wander into the forest? Try to physically  _ carry  _ the mountain of a man I could hardly keep upright?

“Do not deem my weakness as inattentiveness.” He commented glumly, his voice soft and quiet as we plodded along, noticeably becoming tired. His senses as well as his attitude are clouded, but his judgement of my thoughts, remarkably, remains intact for the time being. I shake my head, immediately. “I do not… I promise.” I consoled, upset I had let him listen to my rambling mind for  _ this  _ long, “I can’t seem to slow it down, but I will try harder.”

To this, he plainly places a kiss on my forehead, sighing deeply as he actively tries not to  _ have  _ to lean so much into me. I take a large breath in to quell the urge to sob, swallowing hard and pressing my eyes shut tightly, out of his view, before speaking.

“Do you need a break?” I ask him softly, finding he is reluctant to nod my way. I rub across his back, picking out a lush area of moss across the forest floor for him to hunker down for the time being. I lower to my knees just as he does, gently guiding him down to his rear as he sits down. He shudders as he settles against the tufts of moss, I take a knee and eye him like a hawk, examining the whites of his eyes, placing my lips along his forehead to feel his temperature, noticing the sheen of sweat that transfers onto me right after. His skin is pale and clammy, a bit reflective by the light of the moon peeking through the branches above.

“I’ll leave for just a moment to see if there’s any kind of water that’s passable to drink.” I informed him, brushing the tacky, sweat stained strands of hair out of his vision. I slide my hand down the side of his face as I stand, stepping off to the side as my eyes begin their search for any condensation that could have collected on the leaves of plants around us—our best bet in the forest, where any bodies of water were likely murky.

“If you had a saber of your own…” He begins as I am only a few steps ahead of him. I slow, noticing his mind trailing off but giving me enough to work with as I read into him, seeing that he believed we would have made it out of our previous situation, unscathed, if I would have fought with my own lightsaber.

I place the palm of my hand over my eyes, rubbing my vision away until only stars and muddled, colorful shapes remain. I whimper against my hand, shaking my head before turning around. Quickly, I kneel before him, stooping my posture and taking his hand into my grasp. I remove his gloves carefully, placing them into his pockets. Winding my fingers against his own, I only try to relieve him of his worry.

“No, no—you did great on your own, sweetheart.” I tell him, biting back the smallest of sobs that could have definitely crept out if I had let it, the gut wrenching feeling taking over as I became lost in his scattered thoughts, a twisted web that wound over itself many different times. The acidity within the venom of the poisonous tail was well in its effect over him, confusing the daylights out of him. It was difficult to watch unfold before me.

He gives me a sweet, cheeky smile, the multiple lines around his mouth creasing as his eyes squint, losing himself in my gaze—giving me a look that could still a crowded room. I do not get to observe it for long, before his smile dies, his eyes welling with tears faster than I ever could. “You’re upset.” He states, leaning forward, wrapping a stronger arm around his wound as he tries to get a better look at me. 

I laugh, my bottom lip jutting out into a frown, tears spilling. His expression is puzzled,  _ genuinely  _ curious as to what in all the galaxies I could be upset about. 

“I’m alright, I promise.” I tell him, taking his free hand in mine and kissing it. My eyes dance across him as I relax my lips against his bare hand, tilting my head to the side. “Are you thirsty at all?” I ask, sniffling and scanning around the perimeter. I hated that idea of staying put long enough for something else to track us down—if he weren’t thirsty, I could look past my own urge for water, at least until we returned to the ship.

He shakes his head, still fairly confused, his hand breaking away from my grasp so he could wipe away the beaded tears against my skin. I let him do so, but I don’t let either of us dwell on it. “That’s just fine, let’s get going then.” I encourage, steadying myself to stand as I wrap my arms around him. 

I feel the hairs on my back of my neck stand tall, the force jostling all around me. Ren’s hands grip me tighter this time around, pulling my body into his as he stands. Despite the force’s insistence, I focus on Ren, as he seems not to pay it any ounce of attention either. My browline dots with sweat as we begin our walk once more, my lower left leg now numb to any feeling, beside the dull ache that pulsated every now and then when I gave it the attention. I dragged it along, Ren’s mind too high up within the clouds to notice.

His free hand reaches out to me, suddenly, grabbing the underside of my jaw, thumb splayed over my chin as he turns my face to meet his. “You  _ will  _ tell me who has upset you.” He declares like an order, his voice stronger than before, that demanding Commander within him still shining through. I grimace, nodding in agreement. “Nobody has, Kylo, I only wish to return to the ship with you. I am exhausted.” I tell him, watching the cogs within his mind turn, making connections. He is slow to piece it together, but with some time, he is understanding.

“You will get us there, I am sure of it.”

I break away from his hold of my face as I watch him nod to himself, a smile gleaming on my face as a few more tears escape from my waterline. I keep my reply to myself this time, pulling him closer to me as I feel he does the same. A few minutes go by and my tears subside, but the lump in my throat remains.

“ _ You  _ can call me Ben.” He drawls, voice lazy and low as his words are dragged out more than usual. I frown against the big oaf beside me, continuously bleeding into my clothing, bending my spine at an angle awkward enough that I knew would give me an ache for the rest of the week.

“You want your name to be Ben?” I ask, trying to keep up with whatever twists and turns his mind decided to take within this dense haze he had fallen into.

“No, I want you to know that it  _ is  _ Ben.”

I purse my lips, nodding along with this new idea. “Sure, I will call you that if you’d like.” I affirmed, wanting to keep a happy Kylo for as long as I could, knowing that temper of his could surely return.

“Only you may, others m-mustn't know of it.”

I nod once more. “It can be between us, then—our secret.”

“Would you say it for me?”

“Say your name?”

“Yes.”

“Yes, Ben. I won’t tell anyone.”

We take a few more steps together, side by side before he stops, pulling me against him completely. With one of his arms around his stomach, the other encompasses my backside as he places lazed kisses on the side of my face, his sweat mixing with my own as he repeats the action, humming against me each time he does it. I laugh lightly against him, rubbing his bicep, ready to continue on, despite how sweet he was with me.

He fumbles against me, his knees buckling as he’s cut down a full foot. I looped my arms around him tighter before he could hit the ground. “Here, here.” I say, motioning his feet back under him to stand. I look up at him to see he is lethargic, with a sweeteend grin staining his lips that wouldn’t relent. He barely helps me out, kicking out his trunk-like legs to stand. I huff, his weight overwhelming in my arms. 

We take two steps out before he does this again, startling himself, his arm hoisted around me now goes limp around my backside. “Hey, you need to stand.” I tell him as I now face him, both of my arms under his pits to keep him up. My arms fuddle under him, gripping on to the material of his uniform, afraid I wouldn’t get him back up if he happened to fall to the ground. “Are you asking me to dance?” He wonders listlessly as his body falls in line as well.

I stretch my body upward, groaning as I contort myself in order to get this man to rise to his feet once more. He sways back and forth in my arms, his head lolling forward, his forehead resting against mine. I look into his half-slitted eyes, now pleading with him, “I’m not strong enough on my own, I need your help.”

His grin remains, his top lip pale, his bottom one rosy and plump, gleaming as he had chomped down on it so harshly to evade his pain. The fever had overtaken him, now he was but a rag doll weighing my limbs down no matter how hard I tried. My boots slide against the softened dirt, unable to stand my ground while holding him up, my hands shaking from supporting him. 

The force around me hitches upward and complains, alluding to something, almost  _ angered  _ I had yet to seek it out, to respond.

“Gods.” I muddle under my breath as I fumble with my grip on him, carefully adjusting my footing. My bad leg finally gives out beneath me, slipping outward as we both topple to the ground. He lands on his backside, while I plummet down beside him, my limbs already sore from having kept him upright for this long.

“R- _ Ben _ .” I calmly asserted, only grasping a handful of his attention. His heavy eyes flicker to me, despite his pain, he grins warmly as he meets my gaze.

“There you are—can you stand?” I propose to him, withholding potential tears. I watch as my question zips over the top of his head, landing elsewhere amongst the forest floor, far beyond him. My lip quivers as I suck it in and gnaw away at it. His dirtied face stares blankly up at me as I brush my fingers through his hair, which he seems to like. Each time I pass my fingers through, my nails skim his scalp, causing his lashes to bat lightly at the feeling. He even sends this out to me, amidst the jumbled up and broken thoughts and ideas soaring through his mind.

“I’m getting cold.” He mentions, despairingly.

I deflate against his words, how gentle and hopeless they sound as they come out. Tearing my gaze from his innocent and naive eyes, bracing myself as I lift his arm up from clutching over his abdomen. Like moving the trunk of a tree, his arm is rigid while he hesitantly bares himself to me—despite how weak he had grown, his strength still showed when he wanted it to, maybe tapping into reserves he had left alone. 

In the light of the moon I can see him better, the slice made from the creature’s tail had penetrated through his first few layers of skin, rupturing blood vessels and searing through muscle. The skin surrounding the gash had turned almost rotten; when I felt him, the outer edges of the wound were soft and pliable, as if they could be peeled off—the venom had begun killing off the skin cells.

“Are you cold?”

I split my eyes away from his wound and back up to him, finding the concerned, pale look he wore as he stared back, awaiting my answer. I lend him a gentle smile, scooting directly behind him and sliding a leg on either side of his body. I guide him backward, his backside against my front. His head rests on my breast plate for me to rest my chin on his flaming forehead, stroking his hair once more as I begin to think, not content to let him die here in my arms.

“Can you hear my thoughts?”

“...No.”

I grit and bare my teeth, my eyes pressing shut tightly as I ward off the urge to weep into the crook of his neck. His body convulses against mine as I search around us, either from the pain or the cold. I pressed myself closer to him, sharing my body heat, although it wasn’t terribly cold for me as it was for him, all praise to his fever.

The force pesters me, like jabs at my back, firm in its ways to help guide me to whatever it believed was important to show. My head swivels all around, confused as to why it was bugging me  _ now,  _ of all times. Hadn’t it understood that Ren and I were in danger? Surely I would need to take care of  _ him  _ more than taking care of a simple urge the force had grown so interested in. I shoo it away, becoming aggravated with it, doing me no good sitting here with the Commander bleeding out against me.

“Go look.” He mutters absentmindedly through chattering teeth, pulling me down from my thoughts. Dumbfounded, I frown. “Do you sense that too?” I ask of him, going out on a limb, wishfully thinking that maybe he still had some of his abilities leftover. At this point, he’s burning a hole through my clothing, just by the sheer heat his body emits against me. He shifts lightly in my arms, hunkering his body closer, his head nuzzling upward beneath my chin. “No. I just know you.”

I slide to the side of him, our eyes meeting once more. He stared back up at me, despondent, no longer holding that grin that had once made me uneasy. His eyes lack life as they hold mine, dull and dark, the only facial expressions made came from the flinch of his brow, or the persistent shudder stemming from his spine that erupted through his body. The fever had traveled throughout his body, penetrating each layer and seeming to simmer on low, slowly and mercilessly until now, where it affected him in every aspect.

Without adornment, he nods his head onward as he swallows, silently telling me to check our surroundings. I smoothen my hand out against the side of his face, to which he doesn’t seem to respond to. I nod, moving out from beside him, laying him back down with grace, his head turned to the side to watch me leave. 

“I won’t be long. I will figure something out, and I  _ will  _ come back.”

I tell him this, as I know these were the words I’d like to hear from him if I happened to be in his place. I do not wish to leave him, but I do wish to find  _ something  _ that could help him. If not, I’d dash the rest of the way to the shuttle, and relocate him.

I am truly unsure if my words have gotten through to him, as he lays motionless and unreadable, no noticeable difference between his iris and pupil. I leave behind him and his vacant stare, making my way deeper into the forest, brushing past the tall bushes and plants collected by my sides. Branches get caught against my clothing, poking into the material and tearing out some of the seams, separating them and creating a large hole. I clomp through the softened earth, going wherever the force wanted me to, because, I didn’t know what was left for me to do at this point.

Figure something out. Figure something out. Figure something out.

Now my breathing transforms into short, high strung gasps as I search around, seeming to go around in circles. I travel through the trees in search of guidance,  _ something  _ to help me out at this point. I feel physically lost, but the mental aspect of it is far past just that. I feel like I might have made a mistake, needing to turn around to Ren, gather him up as best I can, and, if it came to it,  _ drag  _ him back to the shuttle as quickly as I could manage.

I continue searching, the force weaving me through every bush and branch like a dance, edging me closer and closer to the goal. It almost felt as if it were a tease, guiding me further and further from Ren. Although I am distant from him, his personal signature in the force was palpable. Fleeting and weak, but still there, holding on. This alone makes me weep, as I am alone, out in the open.

Tall bushes rustle up ahead, the force has depicted this was the correct spot to be.

My electrostaff is flung from my side with a speed I couldn’t ever manage, here one moment, gone within the next before I could ever even  _ think  _ of reaching for it. I turn around, searching every blurred figure in the distance to see where it had traveled to, seeking out every piled rock and stone in the shape of a human. I circle many times until I notice a figure behind a tree in the distance, slowly peeking from behind the corner.

The frequency of the force is rising all around me, guiding me to react, to respond, but with no specifics clarified. My fingers twitch toward the blaster on my left side, the weapon I almost hadn’t brought in the first place. To my embarrassment, my movements are frozen before I could hardly show my motive, my body now one solid mass, devoid of motion, devoid of fighting back as I see who steps out from behind the tree and into view.

“Now, you must know I anticipated that one.” He spoke, almost disappointed in me, like a teacher would his student. I had spoken in the same tone as he had many times, but now I couldn’t help but feel sized down before him as he said it. Utterly shocked to my core as he stood before me, wise in his ways, a certainty to his words that could put anyone else’s confidence to shame.

“I’d rather not put up a fight with you, although, I’m sure  _ he  _ will either way.”

I had found him without ever truly looking for him, or maybe, he had presented himself to  _ me. _ The force had complicated its message to me, never hinting who would be up around the bend, my head too frazzled to foresee him. My mind dizzies, recalling all of the childhood tales I had heard of him, soaring over my head as I am dumbfounded. The same man that I had seen within Phasma’s memories—the young girl’s master. Now I was faced with a brand new decision, as he stood before me. The old man watches me as I give up my struggle, certain that even if I was freed, I wouldn’t last in a match against one of the greatest Jedi ever known.

“Smart girl.” He comments, having picked up on my thoughts. My lip fumbles, thinking back to Ren immediately, knowing this exchange was only wasting time. I  _ cannot  _ waste time, I cannot think of all the witty comebacks to hurl toward this man, our enemy, at a time like this. Even if I had the desire to, Ren’s life would  _ still  _ reign over all senses, just like it did now.

“He’s hurt.” I blurt out between the distance of him and I, voice breaking as I cannot carry it far enough without faltering. His expression becomes downturned as he nods. “I understand.” He admits wistfully. I can feel him within the force better now, as I come to surmise him. He  _ is  _ downcasted that Ren was injured, this wasn’t some kind of facade he was casting over me. The hurt was genuine, he had known about it for longer than he was willing to share.

“You can help him?” I ask as I am blinded by tears, physically biting back a sob as it partially breaks its way out from my throat. I haven’t the slightest care toward becoming so distraught in the presence of the enemy, showcasing my own  _ weakness _ , making myself even more vulnerable—going against everything I have ever been taught. I blink away tears just as I regain mobility, his hand finally relaxing and releasing his hold over me.

Slowly, he nods. Just as my relief sets in, it is diminished, realization striking me down.

“He will not let you do so.”

Again, he nods. Cautiously, as I alert him through the force, my hand finds my blaster at my side, tossing it toward him, showing him I meant no harm. Expression fallen, his eyes are found somewhere else as I return to them, far behind me as they settle without need to move anywhere else. Had I been less engrossed in the old man, I would have sensed Ren as I do now, inching his way up to me from behind.

My head whips around to find him, staggering on one leg as his torso leans to the side. Puddles of blood trail a path behind him, splotches staining the ground as well as his darkened attire. He’s hunched over, physically half the man he can be—the pain is too much for him as I sense it, but he does all he can to ward off showing it—putting up much more of a fight now that there was a formidable audience. I stalk toward him, my hand immediately reaching out as he trips, steadying him with the force. 

To my surprise, his eyes peel away from his uncle, peering  _ through  _ me as he meets my gaze momentarily. I extend a hand, wrapping it around his backside and letting him lean into me. He loses his balance, despite how hard he fights to stand tall, taller than he had been on our way to his shuttle. His wound is fully exposed now, his arm no longer snaked around it.

His face is ghostly white as I crane my neck up at him, his plush lips reddened, almost bleeding, matching the redness under his darkened eyes. I hugged him close—I could have screamed out in anger and defeat at the sight of him, it pained me to no end. His body no longer quivered from the cold, but heaved with  _ anger,  _ exasperated to be within hearing-range of Luke Skywalker. Out of all the half-completed thoughts whirring through his mind, he shudders and seethes next to me, unable to focus on  _ one  _ singular aspect of his hate for his uncle, at a loss to weave the right response together for such a momentous occasion he had only dreamed of for so long, to be inconvenienced, nevertheless.

“The fever has got you beat, boy.” Luke speaks into the dead of night, the forest having calmed, just for us, so it seemed. Kylo twitches beside me, his lips pressing together and parting numerous times to let out nothing, only agitated sounds as a reaction to the Jedi’s greeting. Here, he cannot express his emotions. He cannot conduct his thoughts with precision as he always managed to, nor could he form the calculated responses that always left those around him staggering away, in fear for their lives.. 

At any other time, any other person would have been  _ decimated  _ by Ren for speaking to him in such a way. Ren’s mind only hums as it transitions into overdrive, working harder to provide the means to a response within his foggy head.

Luke’s eyes flash between Ren and I, better understanding what we had as he gives us a nod, his eyes becoming animated and expressive. “You must not realize how  _ loud  _ the two of you are, when you are together.” He mentions. I sense that he doesn’t mean physically, through whatever range our voice could carry around us. “Anyone versed within the force could hear the two of you coming  _ parsecs  _ away, truly.”

Ren sputters and chokes against my side, breathing heavily as he doesn’t find an ounce of humor within his uncle’s joke. I shake my head, enraged by his humorosity at a time such as now. I swallow down that rage as I focus my eyes on the Jedi. “ _ Please _ , can we skip this?” I beg, clearly weighing him down with my pleading eyes as I send them across the forest. He understands my worry, taking a step forward.

“N-no.” Ren grunts, his response slipped between grit teeth. I look to him, eyes nearly bulging from their sockets, now severely bloodshot. My breath catches in my throat at the sight of him, deteriorating faster than I could manage to understand, his once steady decline having sped up much faster before his uncle.

“Kylo.” I call to him, my hand turning the side of his face to meet me as he is too unruly to do so himself. Reluctant, his eyes meet mine and I search them, pleading with him. “We need to make it back  _ together. _ ” I sighed, thumbing his cheek lovingly. His eyes dart across my face, trying to understand my point of view. He is too bogged down to even come  _ close  _ to deciphering my reasoning. All he saw was his uncle—all he knew was hate.

I understood that hate, I felt that hate, but I cared for him too much to let it overtake me. I had always felt the hate he had for his uncle, like it was my own, but I couldn’t mistake his hatred as our main focus, as it was now only secondary behind his personal well being.

“Let him help you, we have no other choice.”

Kylo rips away from me, lurching off to the side by himself. “ _ Kylo _ .” I reason with him, casting out my hand for him to take. Practically growling, he shakes his head in the negative, slamming himself against the trunk of a tree and splaying an arm around it as he heaves to keep balance. His anger pools within me as I see Luke take another step forward, I shove it down as I watch him, his face contorting into new shapes, eyes widening, mouth parting as his gaze leaps between Ren and I, shaking his head in disbelief. I only furrow my brow at the man, having been no help thus far.

“You two have no clue what has happened.” He says simply amongst his shock, blinking a few times as if he needed to see us clearer. Ren gruffs against the tree, his pale skin accentuating his hollowed out cheekbones. I want nothing more than to go to him and comfort him, to take all his pain away and wear it as my own—but I know that he will deflect me if I do so, hurting him even more than he already was. My lips form a line, snapping my head back to the Jedi. At a loss of words, I shake my head and arch my brows, waiting for him to get on with it.

He simply stares back and forth between the two of us. My hands ball at my sides, rolling my shoulders as I feel my body tremble, panicked as well as displeased. “You are wasting our time.” I make out shakily, stalking toward him. He holds out a hand, not with the force, but with his own sheer intention to stop me. “What you two have together—you have not  _ felt  _ what you’ve done?”

Again, I only looked at the man as if I could  _ kill  _ him, perhaps he hadn’t been truthful with me, perhaps he  _ wasn’t  _ going to save his nephew’s life after all. If that were the case, I’d need to gather up Ren and go. Luke steps out further into my vision, eagerly reaching for my attention, as if he realized he no longer wished to waste any time.

“That hate you feel.” He motions to me, eyes bore wide as he searches me. “That is his,  _ not  _ yours.” 

I look over to Kylo, riddled to his fullest capacity with animosity, his skin sweltering even from across the way, his searing signature branding the force like a soldering iron. “His hate fuels you because you both are growing alongside each other—becoming stronger. At some point  _ soon _ , one of you will overcome the other.”

His words mean nothing to me as they reach me; I shake my head, giving him not an ounce of my attention. Dismissively I wave him away, rubbing my hand over my eyes in defeat as I probed my mind for new ideas out of this situation, one that ensured Ren’s safety.

“Are you not growing stronger with the force?” He asks, now worried, desperate to throw his line over to drag me into his point of view. I open my mouth to speak, but groan instead, furiously shaking my head. “There is no time for this!” I yell, pointing at Ren, hoping he'd understand my alarm. Luke nods, raising both hands as if to calm me. “ _ That _ , right there.” He points to me as I stew. “You only feel so strongly what he feels for me, because you’re  _ adhered  _ to him.”

I grit my teeth, sending out a hand toward the old man. He blocks me before I could move him a measly inch, solidifying my actions, as well as my body completely. I seethe and growl against the burden of being restricted; Ren takes notice and places a foot out before himself, but Luke follows along too quickly, sending him to his knees, his backside nearly splitting the tree in half. I yell out to him, seeing how weak he has grown, unable to fight back from such a blow. He settles against the tree, panting, struggling to catch his breath. My sight rips away from him and to the old man, raging within my own mind as I cannot move a muscle.

“ _ Listen _ to me.” He says sternly, his voice deeper than before. “What you share with him is  _ dangerous _ , unlike the natural power of the force so many have tapped into—have studied and practiced for  _ years  _ to comprehend and control.” His hand at his side stays put as he can surely feel my temper spike. “What you have isn’t common—you are versed within the force only because he has opened the door for you.” His sights settle on Ren once more, facial expression softening as he delves into his mind, reflecting on past memories. I can feel that he leaves his own self a bit to dig deeper, discovering more. 

“He showed you the way without even realizing it.” He mentions to himself quietly, as if still in the memory. I groan against my invisible confines, strands of hair impeding my vision.

“You fuel him, and he fuels you. It’s only built upon the two of you from there.”

My hands shakes limitedly at my sides, my hate growing for him with every word he utters into the vast space around us. His head tilts to the side as he has not convinced me, his gaze worried and urgent. “You’ve become stronger, have you not? Malicious in your ways?” He mentions once more, eyes widening as if to lure me in. I take it in, I consider it, as there isn’t much else for me to do as I stand here, bound by the force. “And he?” He urges, motioning toward Ren, “Stronger than ever, but  _ wavering  _ only for you?”

“ _ Enough!” _ I scream at him as I hear his words, all too familiar, no longer caring if he was right or wrong or anywhere in between. He had seen enough into Ren’s mind, he had deduced far too much already, snaking between myself and the last person I could care for. Ren spot within the force alters, as if it was a warning. My lip trembles as I observe the way he is unable to catch his breath, his beady eyes traveling between his uncle and I.

“I will help him if you  _ listen. _ ” The Jedu demanded, nearly losing his patience with me. I feel his intent as it swirls in the air above us, the force prying into my mind as I had been too clouded within this anger that had consumed me. I gasp and shudder, tears spindling in cross sections down my flaming cheeks. My head hangs as I stare at Ren, assessing him to see he’s barely holding on, still enraged, unable to act upon anything. I stare back at the Jedi, giving him the opportunity to continue.

“ _ You  _ will rise to become  _ his  _ equal in the force. When  _ anger _ initiates your downfall, one will overpower the other until only one remains. The power the two of you share can only be meant for  _ one _ .” He finally concedes, speaking to us as if our lives depended on it. He is breathing quickly, the anxious expression on his face remaining. 

I second-guess him, wishing that what he was describing  _ couldn’t  _ be true. I sigh, giving in to it. “What if we choose to fight it? If we are becoming  _ so  _ strong, he and I can deflect whatever this is— _ together. _ ” I suggest, my mind peppered with his counsel as it grew on me, more and more shining through and becoming logical.

“There cannot be two of you.”

His words cut through me, a flash of unease races across my scalp as I feel light headed. He severs his hold on me, letting me gulp in a chest full of air. I blow it out shakily, chewing over his message. “How can that be? He and I are together now, why would one of us ever overcome the other?” I ask, stepping closer to Ren. He merely looks up at me, bowing his head in shame as he cannot put up a fight, letting me in. I fall to my knees, delicately grazing strands of hair from his eyes, feeling how cold he had become. I scoot closer to him, pulling him against my chest and wrapping my arms around him as his chin settles against my collarbone.

“If one of you fails to concede to the other, darkness will overtake both of you, until you no longer know each other like you do now, nor will you understand  _ why _ you have been filled with such hate for the other. You will kill each other until only one stands, or nobody is left.”

I steeled my jaw straight, pressing my eyes closed to entrap the well of tears behind them, resting my chin on the top of Ren’s head. I can understand what the Jedi is saying is true, but I cannot imagine the scene he is depicting, what he is so intricately laying out before my eyes. I  _ had  _ become stronger, Ren’s hate fueling me just as it did himself.  _ He  _ had become lighthearted, softer, taking on my own nature—a fine contrast to the man he once was when I had first encountered him.

I almost wish to be Ren, unable to completely understand what his uncle says, as it enters one ear and leaves the other in broken, jagged segments. I’m hardly able to shake my head, overcome with the present and the weight it had piled over me. “How did this happen? What did we do?” I sob, pressing him against me. Ren is so out of it, he feebly winds his arms around my waist, tugging me closer, inching toward any shred of body heat I held.

“Instantaneously—” He begins, almost apologetically as he steps closer, Ren flinching with anger within my grasp, “—you both took on each other's dispositions without realizing it, too entranced by one another to notice… now it rules over you.” He carefully kneels to the ground a couple feet away, leveling with me. My head hangs low, I held no question that seemed worth asking—ultimately pinned against a wall.

His presence is felt within my mind, gentle and kind as it only skims my thoughts, entering and exiting with care. “I have only ever read of this having to concern the  _ dark  _ side.” He begins slowly, like unraveling a frightful tale to Ren and I in the middle of the night. “There is a chance you  _ both  _ can make it out of this, if you  _ bring him home. _ ”

Ren jerks at the idea, swiveling his body toward the Jedi. His expression as dark as the sky towering above us, brows lowered and pulled closely together. He didn’t need to voice anything to his uncle—his stare had said plenty.

It doesn’t take a genius to understand what ‘ _ bring him home.’ _ had meant, where it was and who would likely be ‘ _ home’  _ if I ever took him there. “Although it is a lot to expect of you, he will not return on his own accord. You would have to help him.” Ren’s lips curl inward as he shakes his head slowly at his uncle’s words, batting his arm out weakly in the direction of the Jedi. Luke almost chuckles at Ren’s sudden behavior, somewhat surprised by him. “This is the only way, my boy, there’s no other way around it.”

“You’d favor the outcome.” Ren gripes against me dismissively, turning his head into my chest. The only warmth came from his muggy breath against my clothing, as well as his heightened temper rousing about the force, albeit, weakened. The Jedi slows, processing his nephew’s comment before straightening out, diving deeper into the pain that tore through Ren at alarming speeds, gaining some more headway into the argument.

“Don’t let her see the man she cares for fall for such childish reasons.” He warns, almost angered as he motioned to Ren, disciplinary, like a parent would with their child. I can only wonder what kind of heated exchanges they had years ago when Ren was nothing more than a child.

“Couldn’t be any more childish than the tales you’ve spun for her.” Ren jeered back at his uncle within one breath, recoiling back into me as he had strained himself too much. The Jedi shakes his head, attention turning toward me as he has lost Ren’s, fearful of losing mine as well, as I can hardly understand how Ren has managed to respond in such a manner.

“The two of you are unable to exist as separate beings, you’ve only solidified this during your first shared moments when you had connected. You both may coincide  _ now,  _ but  _ soon  _ it will become too much, it will turn you both against one another in every way, regardless of the fight you put up with it.” He directs the ending note to Kylo, but he is too careless, too weakened to banter back with his uncle. The Jedi’s eyes shift back to me, imploring further.

“The darkness wants the  _ two  _ of you to merge as  _ one _ , like a  _ seam.  _ You cannot continue as two different people, or stand alone as your own because you no longer are separate from one another—and soon you will be too much alike to turn back, before it consumes you. But, you don’t  _ have  _ to let this happen, you could end this  _ right now _ , right where you are seated.”

Ren’s body twists to face his uncle, extending a hand and jolting the Jedi backward a few feet before he could comprehend these actions. Luke catches himself as he skids across the dirt, Kylo dragging himself closer on his knees as he crawls, lifting a leg to kneel on his own. From behind him I watch as he clubs his abdomen with his barred arm, repeatedly bashing his wound, flecks of blood splattering on to the leaves around him. He says nothing, breathing loudly and sloppily. My heart clammors against my chest as I stumble to my feet, expecting the worst from the Jedi.

Quietly, he stands to face Ren from a few feet away, brushing off his flowing robes. “Boy,” He begins slowly, scolding his nephew. “Do not begin down that kind of path with me once more.” He emits as I feel Kylo’s rage flowing through him, coursing through me. Although I have come to understand the warning of the Jedi, I shift to anger as well, only as an extension of Kylo. Like he had held too much hate in him—it simply  _ had  _ to occupy a second host from his own over production.

Unskillfully does he balance to his feet, followed by continuous punches to his abdomen. Luke simply shakes his head at the sight of Kylo’s strategy. I stepped closer from behind Kylo, earning a swift arm swung my way, halting me from passing around him. His face mentions enough as he stares me down, shaking his head as he does not want me travelling any further.

I press onward, stepping beside Kylo and watching the circles under his eyes grow darker in disgust, ignoring his silent demand.

“What you both have is remarkable.” The Jedi begins from a distance, observing us both. I turn to him, but Ren’s stare remains on me for a moment longer, slowly reeling his face forward as well. “If you turn, you can do  _ much  _ more with it. The darkness will no longer have this hold on you, thus, you can  _ coexist. _ ”

Ren’s head shakes slowly, chewing on his lower lip in exasperation. His hand gravitates toward his saber, just as the Jedi follows along. “Listen to what he has to say.” I urge him, not yet ready to move on from everything he had mentioned, everything that had made  _ sense. _ Ren completely tunes me out, as if I weren’t there, possible I no longer was. It might have been just him, and his uncle.

His eyes pan from Ren and land on me, peeking into my thoughts this time, delving further than he had before. I’m amazed—he can do this from such a distance away, without placing a hand on me. I feel the pressure build as his eyes narrow, gathering more and more information. I feel panicked, unsure if I had opened myself up to the right person, to see such vulnerable parts of myself.

“Ben… she’s  _ just  _ like you.” The Jedi marveled with a soft smile, amazed by what he had found. I frown, wishing to understand more. Kylo merely shuffles closer to my side, placing himself before me. “ _ Enough. _ ” He snaps through his teeth, huffing out a heavy breath. His hand is placed on my thigh, just as he had hours ago. “I’ve seen all I need to.” The Jedi mentions, his brow raising, almost in excitement as his eyes beam over to me.

“The things you could accomplish with him at your side…” He starts in, just as Kylo’s body quakes against mine. “How many lives you both have taken doesn’t impede your return—you can right your wrongs, directing those who fall astray on their own path, the two of you serving as living proof that it is achievable.” I press my front side into his back as I sense he can hardly handle what the Jedi has mentioned, hushing him softly and running my hand up his back, waiting for the Jedi to continue.

“He has more similarities with you than he allows you to see.” He dares, his gaze darting toward Ren almost chastising before landing back on me. “Everything you dream of accomplishing, everything you want—he would help you, he would be by your side through it all… because he wants the same thing.”

“ _ You don’t know what she wants _ !” Kylo yells boyishly at his uncle as he lights his saber and points it outward. His voice bellows out so ferociously that it takes him back, his charged words knocking him down to his knees. I catch him as he falls, saber plunging and extinguishing into the ground as both of us stumble down. He is outraged, but ultimately exhausted; I easily sense his embarrassment, down for the count, weakened in front of the man he hated most.

“You think you would find another like her?” The Jedi bellows loud, laughing as if it’s a joke, while his expression remains serious. Ren and I fall completely tense against each other in unison, his words cold as they struck through us. ” _ And _ you’re willing to put her life on the line, if you happen to overtake her,  _ killing _ her and stealing away her strength?”

Ren stays quiet, nearly foaming at the mouth as I begin to falter at the very mention of my future,  _ our  _ shared future and the possibility of it, so close within our grasp, yet so unattainable and distant. Ren knew I didn’t care about sides when it came to him—I’d go wherever he was and complete whatever job there was for me to attain. But what if this  _ was  _ the easier way? Turning to face the light, a place I hadn’t been since my childhood? A place where we wouldn’t be trapped within our own duties, serving ourselves instead of one man? What if returning to the light would truly ensure our safety, our future together?

Luke nods as he hears my thoughts, debating them off within my mind. Through the force, Luke lends ideas of how easily Ren and I could build this life together. A family, security, purpose, no expendability. I falter; there is no doubt Ren senses it as I lose myself in all of the possibilities I  _ yearned  _ to have, understanding it was all possible.

Ren lashes out as he reaches for his saber, but Luke sends him shooting out from my arms before I could sense it. His body hits the ground behind me and glides across the forest floor, ramming into different deadened tree trunks and boulders littering the space around us. I flee without a second thought, following the bloodied trail he left and watching him tumble to a stop within the bushes. I slide down to my knees, grabbing his shoulders and turning him onto his backside.

"Ren,  _ Ren. _ ” I worry out to him, shaking his shoulders, patting his chilled cheeks, hoping to regain some kind of life from him. He hardly stirs, head moving to the side slightly as his lashes bat delicately. I grab the sides of his head and kiss all across his face, placing my cheeks against his, attempting to warm him in any way possible.

“I’ll do it— _ I’ll do it. _ ” I stammer, sliding up and placing my hands over his chest. He doesn’t fight back like he had at the very  _ moment  _ my mind had begun to think of this as a possibility earlier, he remains almost lifeless before my knees, battered and bleeding. I close my eyes, humming softly and doing what I can to stabilize my breathing pattern, if I were to accomplish this once again.

“You are compromised—even so, you would not survive this, there’s no telling he would make it through either.” Luke speaks calmly above Ren and I.

“He’s almost gone, do you feel that? He’s almost—he’s going to—” My words overtaken by sobs as I feel his signature within the force dwindling down to almost nothing, similar to wisps in the wind. Only a thin, faint string connects himself to me. It reminds me of how I had felt Kaz die, her foot only partially through the door that led to the force, her energy around me noticeable only as it had been extinguished. Alike Captain Phasma, Khan, and Sola, who were not force sensitive, but still, holding their own unique signature within it, differing from others. Ren’s energy was more than a flicker, more than a roaring flame—to sense it simmering down filled me with an unfathomable sorrow, unlike anything I had ever felt. The only difference between him and the others was that  _ this  _ was already too much… and I couldn’t comprehend the kind of pain that would strike me as it became final.

“You’re filling up with his energy, there is not much time left.” He speaks composedly as I pant, feeling a swell of energy filling me to the brim, expelling out around me as I cannot contain it all. It  _ felt  _ like him as it sat within me: his hate, his desires, his urges and fears—what he sat with all by his lonesome. It scares me, as it is not mine to feel on my own; it is foreign as I host his power while he is drained of it. It is but a reminder of him, for when he is truly gone.

“I don’t want it, I don’t want it— _ just do it _ !” I wail as I completely fumble to threads, detesting the feeling of a part of him residing within me, without having him by my side as it was meant to be. “Please, just help him, I do not care for what he says!” I weep, grabbing handfuls of his uniform, my trembling hands shaking his body. 

He drops to his knees beside me, placing both of his hands atop of Ren’s abdomen as I give him space, grasping Ren’s frozen hand within mine and placing it to my lips. He draws in a solid breath in, shutting his eyes as he quietly lets the breath out. Before my eyes I watch as beneath the Jedi’s palms, the wound that had struck down Ren began to close up, his skin reanimating over his exposed flesh, sliding over and blending together seamlessly. The energy I had once filled with escapes me, leaving me with only my own. 

Luke continues his focus, Ren’s chest rising, filling with blood, his knuckles splayed over my lips pricking with warmth as I watch his face take on more color. His hollowed out features fill in, the circles under his eyes losing their bruised, purple hue and returning back to his smoothened olive complexion. Luke’s hand hovers over to my shoulder, resting lightly against me as I feel him draw his energy to me. The multiple bites and scratches I once had are now healed over, no scarring left in sight as he lifts his palm, taking every ounce of pain with him as he retracts his hand.

Luke’s hands fan out and then relax, moving backward to sit on his heels amongst the grass beneath them. His eyes open as he sighs, looking over his nephew who now sleeps peacefully, completely healed. I rub his hand against my face, feeling his natural warmth, quietly bursting into thankful tears I cannot slow. They roll down my cheeks and plop onto his uniform, now only showing his healed skin from underneath. Luke and I take a breather as we look down upon this man, whom we both care for, thankful he was alive.

“He’d want me to owe you something, for saving him against his wishes.” Luke states, composed and quiet. Animals howl off in the distance, peaking my interest as he only holds his stare, uninterested and unbothered by the potentiality of the creatures that lurked throughout the forest. I gulped in a breath of air, wiping my cheeks as I collected myself, nodding. “Yeah, I suppose he would.”

I can’t seem to tear my gaze away from Ren for too long, observing the rise and fall of his widespread chest as he breathed so strongly on his own, entranced by each movement. His face no longer showed the extent of the pain he held; now he remained calm, giving me a chance to marvel at him as I had yet to watch him sleep. I slide my opposite hand to the side of his face, touching down momentarily into his dreams to help soothe him further, even if he didn’t remember it, he’d recognize me within the moment, at least.

I turn to the Jedi, just as I feel that twinge of pain extend across my forehead and rest between my eyes. He notices as well as I think to call attention to it. “I don’t know what this means, does it have to do with him? A warning of some sort?” I ask of him as I press into the ridge of my nose, no better time to experience something so profound than now, before one of the greatest, most powerful Jedi known to mankind.

He reaches out and places a thumb against my hairline, trailing it between my eyes—a similar touch that my Commander had done for me time and time again, clearing my thoughts, alleviating my pain. The Jedi pacifies the ache before it had begun to throb, nodding his head not to me, but to himself.

“Someone wishes to meet you.”

I glare in confusion, turning my head downward. “ _ Meet _ me?” He only nods at my need for clarification. “Who is it that wants to meet me?” I ask of him, only supplying me with a shrug. “Even if I did know, it is for you to find out.” He affirms. If it weren’t for who he was, for what he had done for me, I would have been irritated by the answers he had given me, filling me in on not much more than I already knew of.

I exhale, understanding this was something I needed to figure out on my own. He slides his hands against his legs, as if satisfied with this exchange, gathering my attention. I bite my lip, continuously tracing circles into Ren’s palm as it lays steady in my lap. Before I have gone to mention it, the Jedi understands my needs better than maybe I did, his eyes closing, palms laying open flat. A low humming sound can be heard from afar, but my ears pick up on the rumbling as it has grown louder—the shuttle, gliding above the tops of the trees, whisking through the branches and lowering to the forest floor, with the utmost grace.

My mouth hangs open, still in awe of him, to notice the look of contentment that had fallen over his features. Just as I think about what I’d like to ask him next, unsure if he would supply me with the answers I was looking for, as I had already asked him about my own pain—the words die on my tongue before I get to vocalize them, his expression taking on one of understanding as he had flipped through my thoughts.

“He will tell you more of  _ Ben _ when he is ready, there will come a time. If he were to open up to someone about his past, it would be  _ you. _ ”

I begin to stand a few moments after he has, my lips parting once more, only this time, I do not hold the words I need for a moment quite like this. He can see I am struggling, he can see that I wished he didn’t have to leave this way, as we had to part only to return to either side of the force. Nobody within the Order had made me feel quite like him, nobody had ever supplied me with aid around every possible corner, answering every question, looking out for me like he had just demonstrated in such little time. He quells my nerves with a simple nod, resembling all he understood within me, that I was grasping to understand myself.

He looks to Ren, then back at me. “Please, do keep watch of what I have informed you of.  _ Soon. _ ” He forewarns with insistent eyes. I nod, taking his words as gospel. I nod to signal that I  _ will  _ keep an eye on what he has warned me of, although I do not know of where to begin, or how to crush the fear that strikes through me when it comes to  _ turning,  _ or  _ coming home _ . I feel uneasy as I stand there, readying myself to part from him after all he had done.

I bite my lip, peering down to Ren’s sleeping body, observing how much space he takes up. If I listen closely enough, I can even hear the slightest of snores coming from him. My heart stills at the discovery, hoping to hear many more of those faint snores in my future. “I couldn’t possibly help him capture you after this. After what you’ve done for him—for me.” I blurt out, sure of myself. I relay my eyes back to him to catch his answer.

“I wouldn’t let him hear you say that.” He says, supplying me with a quick wink.

He motions my electrostaff, to which I reach out and grab, clipping to my belt and nodding as a thanks, trusting me enough to do so. He motions the blaster, flinging it across the forest, shaking his head and grinning disapprovingly at the very thought of me bringing it along. Ren’s breaths are heavy and audible at my boots, I look down and softly smile, thankful for Luke Skywalker, for ensuring the life of his nephew continued on. I grow sorrowful, for which I do not wholly understand why.

“We will meet again, that I am sure of _. _ ” He consoles, as if he could take a peek into the future.

I imagine the setting in which we would meet next,  _ home,  _ or wherever that meant. The word gave me a good feeling— _ returning home _ —it filled me with confidence, with a mighty sense or purpose that the Order had failed to supply me with. A new reason to push onward, something to look forward to sometime  _ soon. _

I lend him a soft smile as he does the same, watching as his wrist turns to the side just as Ren’s body slowly lifts off of the ground. He hovers a few inches above ground, still peacefully asleep, unbothered by this kind of movement. Luke nods me on, I extend a hand toward Ren, turning my wrist, bending my fingers as he passes his nephew off to me. He isn’t heavy within my grasp, insubstantial as I glide him across the ground. I make my way to the shuttle, but I continuously glance over my shoulder as Luke watches.

He even lowers the ramp for me, to which I take gradual steps upward, knowing Ren was safe, knowing I was safe—for now, all was well. I stamp out the fear of what lies up ahead, what I have to accomplish to save my life as well as Ren’s someday. For now, I know I need to return him to base so he can continue his rest, then, I will go from there. 

I had no reason to rush; I made it to the top and turned around, Ren’s body entering the shuttle with ease. I find Luke, standing in the same spot as before, nodding me on before he turns on his heel. I watch him, I narrow my eyes until they are nearly shut as I attempt to follow him with my sight for as far as I possibly could. The darkness of the forest swallows him whole, leaving me with but an ache in his place.

Quietly, I stand and take a moment for the piece of myself I had lost, or maybe, I had  _ gained,  _ in understanding that a major topic of discussion, for years posed as  _ fact _ , had turned out to be completely, and utterly  _ wrong. _ I take a moment for the man I was ready to  _ kill  _ for my cause, as I had been taught to do so for many years. The man I had heard terrible things about,  _ all  _ of my life, a man who was painted as the villain—the  _ many _ stories of him only held together by darkened hues and the ‘word’ of many people who vouched for how awful of a being he was, giving  _ all  _ Jedi a bad name, the rest quite possibly as bad as he. 

I hadn’t ever contradicted those stories, hadn’t ever chosen to think past what others had said in regards to him, never once wondering if they had gotten it wrong. I had successfully fallen prey to the Order’s propaganda, continuously falling prey to Ren’s influence over me, only because the conflict between the two of them was  _ familial _ . 

It took me twenty-something years to see it: Skywalker was no villain—no villain saves the life of their family, especially those of estranged families. No villain understands danger and  _ warns  _ the supposed enemy of it ahead of time. No villain would wait years and years for the return of family, no matter how lost that person had become as they strayed further away. Perhaps  _ everything  _ I had been taught within the Order was entirely wrong. Perhaps I had been on the wrong side all along.

Perhaps I was the villain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY AGAIN. Did you like that? What are your thoughts? I poured my heart out into that last chapter's notes, so now I can apologize here some more for the late update (sorrysorrysorrysorry x a million)  
> \--but in all honesty, give me your thoughts on this chapter. Y'all have a hypothesis, or a guess as to what to expect in the next chapter? Reading comments totally brightens my day, so if you have anything to say, lay it on it (in the form of praise or critical analysis, a girl can handle it!)  
> \-- thank you again for the reads, I hope everyone is well and *hopefully* staying sane within quarantine, if you happen to still be stuck in it like I am. I'll see you next time.  
> xoxoxoxoxoxoxox <3


	31. Chapter 31

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> writing this one made me a lil sad lol, enjoy

After surviving a shaky ride returning to base, with my trusty ball-droid co piloting as we weaved through the stars and planets alike, I swiftly delivered a sleeping Commander Ren to the infirmary, letting no outside matters obstruct my way. I had left Myrkr without so little as a status update to Officer Torris, BB-9 having sent a message to him later on, through his internal comms device that we were ‘ _ returning to base for urgent reasons’ _ .

I stood idly by as med personnel placed Ren on an enlarged bed, roping his arms with different tubes and wires to feed him nutrients, something I’m sure he had been running low on, despite how well his uncle had healed him with the force. He seemed strong, healthy,  _ breathtaking _ as always, but the venom from the beasts of Myrkr had stunned him and run him down to near death—he had some beauty sleep to catch up on.

BB-9 catches me in my hazed observance, head resting against the frame of the door to the med room. He mentions of sleep, of its importance, of my lack of it, the darkened crescent moons beneath my eyes an evident indication I had plenty of sleep in need of catching up. I nod him on, too lethargic to combat his desires.

Reluctantly, I left Ren in the Med Bay, knowing I only had my thoughts to keep me company, that was, until he was to wake. My droid and I passed many different med workers, as we had touched down to base very early into the morning, there were night shifters ending their day, letting the day shifters transition into their stations to only begin theirs. 

I yawn as I pass them by, the time couldn’t have been any further past four in the morning. Sleep had hardly graced me back on Ren’s shuttle: my fear of losing him, filling up with his energy within the force once more had been enough to keep me conscious and aware of him. Constantly checking him to make sure he was stable, fearful of the unimaginable.

After sending my droid back to my office, with my quarters in mind, I sauntered through the halls at a snail’s pace—languid steps carried me as my mind took over, ruminating over the previous few days. What Luke had forewarned us about repeating on a loop: what it all meant, how to go about it. Would life always be like this, with Ren? In the Order? In this position of power? Was this still doable—worth it in a couple of years? Would I be happy with who I was? Could I live with it? 

Passing through the entrance to my quarters, I promptly stepped out of my boots and dallied through the kitchen and into my darkened bedroom, plopping onto my bed with little to no grace. There I lay for most of the day, in and out of sleep, waking just as easily as I fell into said sleep. Too stunned to venture beyond my quarters, not when matters like these plagued my mind, matters concerning mine and Ren’s livelihood. 

When I wasn’t dreaming of Ysalamiri, crawling amongst the forest floor to slowly devour Ren and I whole, I lay awake thinking of Luke Skywalker, and all he had filled me in on. These thoughts consume me as I lay, barely conscious enough to change from my clothing. Hours go by, my holopad lighting up the room, receiving the report of the trip to Takodana in its completion, all praise to my droid. I rise, walking about my quarters to distract my mind from how easily I was slipping into a bottomless pit of a frenzy, nearly rising above my shoulders. 

I concern myself with tedious acts, gathering scattered clothing, arranging shoes and miscellaneous items about the living space, as I hadn’t truly cared, or had been too busy to do so beforehand. Little, mundane tasks seeming more interesting now, as a way to escape from the onslaught of worries panging me, like sleet hurdling against the foundation of a home.

I clean what little dishes I have left dirty—I even clean the ones that lay in the farthest rows in the back of my cabinets, having collected a thin layer of dust from lack of use. I delve deeper into my small kitchen, scouring my pantry and pulling out my favorite foods, creating and munching away on many different snacks, possibly categorized or considered as  _ hors d'oeuvres _ for as small and plentiful as I had made them; here one moment and gone the next. My thoughts make a slight detour as I pile different spreads onto crackers, fruits and meats. I stuff myself until I am content, satisfied with something other than pre-packaged meals as we were on the go.

To my dismay, domestic work around my quarters and gorging myself full does little to stray my mind from how badly Skywalker had scared me—how incessantly my mind wishes to worry, and worry about it until I chose to  _ do  _ something about it. 

I cleaned my kitchen of the mess I had accumulated, padding toward the bathroom and extending a hand to heat the shower as I stripped from my tarnished clothing across the room. I catch my naked body darting past the mirror, doubling back to assess the damage: none, thanks to Luke. I marveled at my skin, nowhere near perfect, but devoid of any wounds I had accumulated over the past few weeks, including my scuffed knuckles from decking Officer Torris in the face.  _ Healing _ was one aspect of being knowledgeable of the force that I knew I’d always be amazed by, never able to take it for granted.

My mind ponders the beauty of the force as I stand inactively, the shower now settling a dense layer of fog throughout the bathroom, my exposed skin growing tacky as time passes. I kick around the fact that I was lucky enough to discover my connection with the force—and what exactly was I doing with it? Picking up thoughts from others, hypnotizing weak minds, using it to my advantage, using it in action. But, was I doing anything useful with it? Making the galaxy a safer place? Utilizing it to help children lacking a voice? 

Was I really  _ helping  _ anyone? Kaz, Khan, Sola, all had met their fate because of some aspect of the force. Things could be different, had I not been distracted, had I known then what I know now. Had I decided my purpose within the force—wielding the force for a  _ purpose _ , instead of exploiting my capabilities blindly. 

I chewed over the Jedi’s exact words as I scrubbed the dirt from my body, having remembered his warning so deftly—there was no way I could ever let something so concerning and so detailed slide off of my radar.

Meticulously, as I stood under the scalding stream of water, I considered every angle of what the Jedi had warned me of, inspecting all the contrasting sides and grooves and blemishes, struggling to find the flaw, struggling to find a different way to look at it; one way that would ease my mind down from the heights I had clammored to. I wanted so desperately to look at this from a bystanders perspective, one that made Ren’s uncle out as a nonsensical old-timer, granting me nothing to worry about.

The murky water circles the drain by my feet as it mixes with soapy suds—I had hoped my grief would be washed away just as easily, mixing with the dirt and grime to spill down the drain, never bogging me down again. Despite how vigorously I scrubbed my skin raw, the feeling remained, not even as a layer above my skin, but something waxy and chilled that settled into me with great care, unbearable, unshakeable, something that shouldn’t be left alone, swept away, disregarded before it was too late. 

I cut the flow of water, standing within the steam that had collected about the room, feeling so similar to how wholly, and detailedly my worries eroded within me the longer they remained, wearing my sanity thin at alarming rates.

The force swam around me as I pulled an off-duty long sleeve over my head, slowing my motions to read them clearer to understand that Ren was waking, his signature within the force emboldened by the minute, although he still carried a piece of the forest with him—he was still coming out of that mental fog. His personal stamp had been noticeably stronger from the moment his uncle had extended a piece of himself to heal Ren, only now did it stand out bolder, stronger and refurbished. 

Hurriedly, I pulled my shirt down as I stamp my feet through a clean pair of boots, the fingers on my right curling at my side to tighten the straps, while my left hand worked the force through my hair, pulling it into a lowered ponytail that rested between my shoulder blades.

I was out the door within moments, speeding up my pace as I felt Ren gaining more and more consciousness. Zipping through the hallways—few friendly faces I had recognized looked my way, but did not greet me unless I initiated it. My collegial grin, or a hearty nod lighting up their own response, as if I had given them an in, like they needed permission to  _ smile  _ my way. Had it always been like this? 

My heart feels warmer the deeper I make my way into the Med Bay, the link running from myself to him pulling me in the correct direction as his signature sang throughout the force, alive and well. My footsteps begin to lose feeling as I mull over every thought that popped into my head, rendering me almost weightless as the nerves swim about me. Planning how to bring up such a topic, plotting out what specifics to mention, what to leave out, framing everything and centering it around how  _ time sensitive  _ it all was. I take in a gulp of air as I reach his private room, his energy coating the space so heavily—I could find him no matter the distance between us. 

I stand in the doorway, his expression as calm as can be—until his eyes averted toward me. There was no doubt he had sensed my arrival before I shared the room with him, but looking me in the eye always seemed to do something to him. 

“Little fighter.” He happily states, his voice rough and a bit raspy—not an indication of weakness, but one of rising upward from a slumber, having not exercised those vocal chords of his in quite a while. He’s sat up although he’s laying, as the bed is angled, donning a clean uniform absent of his helmet and cape. His body comes to life as I step further into the room, chest rising as he takes in a breath of air, shoulders expanding as he sits forward. I find that the sight of him eases my nerves some, noticing how I respond similarly to him.

My lips tug into a soft grin, heading over to him. “You are the one that has put up a fight worth mentioning.” I corrected him smoothly, knowing my eyes were honeyed over as I couldn’t help but hold his stare. I reached his bedside and sat on the edge of the frame, but no sooner did he scoop me up into his arms, placing me on his lap and tugging the sides of my chin downward to mesh his lips against my own. My body stills against him, my palms found opened and placed against his shoulders to steady myself, so broad and squared toward mine. Both his hands now hold either side of my face, giving my lips nowhere left to roam but upon his. 

Momentarily does my mind lose its prior train of thought, now only meshing against the thoughts he projected out to me, just as our bodies meshed closer and closer. I kissed him back, although I am weary of doing so, still reminded of how he looked back on Myrkr, how he had acted and  _ felt  _ within the force as his strength slipped out of his grasp, flowing into me as he nearly became one with the force himself. There were matters we needed to discuss—this wasn’t exactly what I had planned, but I understood what he had been through… he was pleased to see me. 

His mouth slows against mine, repeatedly taking long, languid pauses as his lips rubbed against mine. Simply keeping our lips together, holding me against him just to  _ feel  _ me. 

“You have taken good care of me…” He murmurs upon me, hardly interested in parting his lips from mine. “...I am  _ well  _ now.” He affirms into his kisses, spreading out a shiver that covered the spanse of my backside. His hands find my hips, his fingers curling around me as he slides me further down into the dip of his lap. Now pressing the most  _ demanding  _ part of my body against his, this impressively outperformed how worried my mind had been not even ten minutes ago.

I can’t seem to loosen up as much as I’d like to, easier said than done when my mind was filled with so many worries directed toward so many questions. Questions that had little answers for me to work with. With a kind of urgency I had yet to witness from him, he pressed his body along mine, driving himself against me. I feel his own excitement from beneath me—his hands on my hips reposition my body so that he can rub myself all over that specific and  _ growing  _ excitement. 

My head tilts upward as soon as I part from the kiss to take in the ceiling as my jaw drops open, stupefied by the sensation. Not wasting any time, his mouth draws up my neck with languid kisses, chuckling to himself as his voice buzzes across my skin. My tongue dries immediately as I grip his shoulders, my lashes batting as I am quickly faced with this hefty roadblock he has laid out, happening to impede my growing concern toward  _ our  _ well being,  _ our  _ future. Swallowing down the lump in my throat before it had the chance to grow any bigger, I counter as best I can. “You seem better than just  _ well. _ ”

I hear him draw in a breath from below my jaw as he breathes me in, my body rising as he repositions his hips, motioning them upward and closer into the space between my legs. I pant, snapping my lips shut as I force a lengthy exhale, attempting to refocus my mind on larger matters…  _ larger  _ than these seemed.

Almost on cue, my chin is met with a sturdy grasp as he tugs my head downward, my lips retreating to his against my better judgement. I sigh into him, my fingers splaying across his shoulders, to his collar bones and then to his pectoral muscles. I push my palms against him lightly, only to feel his hold around me wind tighter, moaning against my lips as if I had teased him.

Quickly, the feeling of our repetitive, fluid movements is all too stimulating, stirring up quite the assortment of knots in my lower abdomen, only heightening the feeling as my torso rubbed against his. I break away from his kiss to look upon him—I concentrate on the feeling he had given me, appreciating how it felt despite how badly I knew I needed to set it aside. Still, fascinated with how it transformed with time no matter how hard I fought it, amazed by the precision and care that he was more than willing to demonstrate. 

I pant, my lips twitching to form the right words to slow him, looking for the right way to bring up my worries at a time like this. He gazes up at me and it almost hurts to see him like this, when I couldn’t match his intensity, his fidelity for the moment, losing himself completely within it.

As if he could sense the objection I was conjuring within me—unlikely, due to the fact that he had been  _ so  _ far gone after having traveled into his lust-filled haze he held for me in the moment—his lips trail the side of my face, nipping at my jaw as he burns his words into my skin.

“I dreamt of you.” He proclaimed, his voice low and sultry as his lips had ghosted over to my ear—unable to see it, but  _ feeling  _ the cool grin he displayed. I wince and meweled at the sound of him, coupled with the feelings he sent out through the force, completely bogging me down with lust. I let my lids relax as my eyes peek through and listlessly roamed the room, not focusing on any particular object, only letting them roll freely as our shared feelings in the moment took over my sight. My hands rake back up his chest, rounding over his shoulders and against his neck to nestle into his hair. 

I groan as he playfully bites down onto my earlobe, my fingers curling tufts of his hair within my fists and tugging against his scalp. My head leans further and further back, my spine arching as one of his hands curves my hip, smoothing out and pressing into the dip in my lower back. My breathing grows shallow as his kisses travel back to my neck, our hips grinding and rotating to a pattern we both have gotten down seamlessly, rolling and dipping against one another without fault. 

Attempting to get a grip on the situation, my fists briskly pull on his locks, yanking his head back to look nowhere other than me. We both pant as we hold each other’s gaze; his glossy eyes hold mine and await the next thing, a kiss, a touch,  _ something.  _

I come up short, only peering down at him. Like second nature, my hips still respond to his movements as I cradle his head, watching as the two of us move in sync with one another. He leans forward slowly, as if asking for more, knitting our mouth together, his tongue lapping against my bottom lip as he tugs it into his mouth. My brow furrows, having grown frustrated with my lack of dominance for the situation, unable to steer the mood in the direction I needed it to be. My hands untangle from his hair, sliding down to his chest to place my palms against him once more; wanting to push against him to end it, only lacking the drive to do so.

Without warning, his lips disconnect from mine as he shoves me off of his lap and onto the end of the bed. He leaps to his feet, eager to so suddenly put distance between us.

“You’re distracted.” He says pointedly under his breath, long strides carrying him as he paced the room. I gulp, steadying my breathing and pulling my legs closer to my body as my mind slows, no longer influenced by the sensations we had created minutes earlier, although the memory burned quite obviously. 

I feel how dizzied his mind has grown amongst feelings of lust, adopting feelings of insecurity and doubt. Having extended a piece of himself to me, to feel dejected and shot down. His feet stamp the length of the room for a few moments before his head swivels toward me. Before I have a chance to answer, he beats me to the chase.

“You don’t want me?” He made out in some kind of alarmed frenzy, having choked up at the thought, cringing at his own words as it hurt to speak them aloud. Frantically I shake my head, setting my expression as solid as possible to explain my intent. He had read me wrong.

“Of course I do, Kylo.” I affirmed, placing a hand out flat before me as I swung my legs off of the bed. He shakes his head, lips rubbing against one another with uncertainty. “Your mind says otherwise—you didn’t want all  _ that. _ ” He recounted, pointing at my spot on the bed.

I sigh, my boots hitting the floor as I slid off the bed. Kylo takes a step back, so I simply leaned against the bed, feeling as if I had spooked a wild animal. I needed him to calm down in order to understand, there was no other way for him to. 

“I wasn’t expecting that. I came to you to talk about something entirely different. It is not that I didn’t  _ want  _ to.” I correct as calmly as I can, because I meant it. Because it was indeed the truth. He stills, jaw tensing as his eyes look me over and over again, taking a few, quiet moments to search for some kind of lie.

“You have one hell of a way of counteracting it.” He jests, running a bare hand through his hair as he exhales, his posture relaxing as he repositioned his footing. I wasn’t sure if he was right—I  _ had  _ tried to curb the feeling, to thwart the sensations we had created. I think he underestimated how powerful we became, how easily everything around us could blur and mute whenever we were intimate with each other. Could he blame me?

He can sense it before I do, the slight cock of his brow as my eyes twinge with that same old, dull ache that had settled behind them. I can feel his intent—concerned, worried, unsure what these flashes of pain had meant, something even he wasn’t sure of, as he had been unconscious during the time Skywalker had caught me up to speed on why they occurred. I grit my teeth and shake my head at him, wanting to move on from it, wishing he didn’t have to pick up on every measly hiccup and scratch I could attain.

“That needs to be dealt with.”

I wave my hand dismissively, seeming to only irritate him further, dropping the considerate and attentiveness I knew he was ready to display, after so readily moving on from his irritation to make sure I was alright. I drop my shoulders, holding his attention delicately as I try to redirect the conversation. I give it a moment, letting him understand how badly I was meant to be taken seriously.

“I’m truly sorry, I should have been transparent with you… I intended on going over what your uncle had said—”

I slow my words as Kylo turns away, slowly stalking across the room once more as he rubs his eyes. “My  _ uncle. _ ” He goaded as a deep, maniacal kind of laugh overcame him. I sense it as it breaks through his chest, shaking his stature as he bends over slightly to lean into such a laugh. I steel my jaw and slow my rising temper, looking in the opposite direction from him, given that I cannot contribute to wasting anymore time than we already had. 

A few moments of his chuckles pass us by, before he comments. “Pardon me—you’ve failed to see the comedy of it.” He says slyly as he senses the shift in me caused by his actions, noticing him in the corner of my eye as he turns to face me. I shake my head, settling my gaze amongst the rows of bottles containing various liquids of all kinds of shades and hues. Perfectly lined up against one another, going untouched, unused. 

“Nothing comical about this, Kylo.” I sigh, buds of disinterest in the situation growing within me. Had I known he would react this way to something that unnerved me so badly, I would have plotted until the discovery of a different way around it.

“Oh, but there is.” His chuckles continued, nearing closer to me as I was ignoring his growing presence. “You have yet to see it… I wish you would.” He adds. His hand outstretched to trail his fingers against my cheek. Slowly I move away from his touch, only focusing my attention on the bottles on the counter across the room. I feel his energy heating the force, stealing away the air within the room, seemingly shrinking the walls surrounding us, settling a panic within me as it pricks my skin.

My gaze is ripped away from the bottles on the counter as I am yanked by my wrist, pulling me to stand upright with no other choice but to follow him as he heads for the door. He motions his helmet from across the room, dropping it over his head to situate before we passed through the doorway.

I jerk my wrist against how tightly wound his fingers were around me, but to no avail am I able to break free. If he had wanted me to follow, he could have asked, instead of walking me as some kind of  _ animal _ to be towed behind him. My top lip curls as we approach a crowd in the main waiting area of the med bay, my boots skidding and squealing against the reflective linoleum below, only sounding out my failed attempt to get him to slow down. 

Expletives spew from beneath my breath as I trot up beside him, arm to arm as I turn my wrist and clasp my hand over his, as far as I could stretch my fingers.

My free hand secures onto his bicep to play this off even better, pressing my body closer to his side as we enter the sea of workers, patients, and mere citizens of the Order. This made it look as if we were taking a brisk walk out of the med bay together— _ willingly. _ I’d have onlookers believe we were an item before they’d believe their Commander toted women around however he wished to,  _ especially  _ women of power. Ren’s attitude within the force dips, uninterested in my little last minute idea. He had been the funny guy earlier—not so much now. 

The walk he had taken us on takes no time at all, as compared to the length of time it would have taken me alone, had I not been forcibly dragged by the hulking man to my side. We both remain silent on his journey, far too many flanking at all sides to trade jabs back and forth with one another. He slings his arm outward, tossing me beyond him and further into the main training room. I watch as hulks into the room, without looking behind him he raises a swift hand and bars the doors from opening, leaving us devoid of any interruptions.

My lips part as I turn to him, but the hum of his saber powering on drowns out my words completely. I jump ever so slightly at the sound, as his helmet is centered on me, his arm outreaching toward the weapon lined walls. The click of an electrostaff unfastening from the wall—it zips through the air and across the room with such speed, my hand barely fast enough to catch it before it had the chance to collide into my thigh. I turn the weapon in my grasp, then send him a sturdy frown as I have apparently made all the wrong turns, speeding through every stop and, somehow, landing me here.

“I didn’t come to you today for a fight.” I cautioned, my brow twitching as I couldn’t fight off my agitation. His fingers curl at his side, powering on my own staff within my grasp, my body only flinching lightly at the sound.

“This isn’t a fight.” He declared chiefly, a single beat before he stepped outward, swinging his saber out a ways. I jumped back as he had attacked  _ far  _ too close for the beginning of a training session, my fighting arm instinctively blocking with the reverberating buzz of my staff. Both red currants meet and clash together, sounding out a shrill, high pitched tone that pained my ears to take in. I shove against his saber, moving him a few steps back and away from me.

I roll my eyes at the sight of him readying for a second attack, but I brace myself ahead of time, shaking my head firmly. “You’re deflecting the conversation I have yet to even start.” I blurt out plainly. My words hardly settle within the space between us before he starts in again, swinging his saber over his head and bringing it down in front of me. I skip off to the side, upturning my staff to meet the force of his swing.

I hear him huff, as if he were disappointed, while I take a few paces away from him and off to the side; his shoulder blades poking through his cape as he jostles his spine, stretching himself out as his saber spins in circles within his claw-like grasp.

“You need to be blocking that kind of attack  _ this  _ way.” He corrects, ignoring my comment, demonstrating upturning his own weapon horizontally, unlike the angle I had held mine at. The sneer that had formed across my face was inevitable to ward off, but I raised my brow and went through the motions once more, like he had wanted to, adding more dramatics with each movement. The force spikes upward with his agitation.

“Do not test me.” He directs, his voice hardening as he extends an arm to point a gloved finger in my direction. I almost belt out a laugh, unsure if he had ever pointed at me in this way, like he was warning a child before some kind of harsh punishment. 

“You’re bothered by this—truly? You don’t wish to talk about this one bit?” I try once more, my voice echoing off the soaring walls of the room. He keeps silent as he takes steps closer to me, tossing his saber from one hand to the other, as if  _ warning  _ me he was getting ready to strike. His weapon slices through the space between us, causing me to jump back once more—still, surprised that he was training so intensely with me. 

Despite my decline, he continues advancing forward, slashing his saber multiple times and forcing me to block each one as he has gained the upper hand, moving in closer than I had wanted him. I yelp angrily, crossing my staff against his each time, becoming more and more difficult the closer he got.

Contorting my free hand toward him, I push him back with the force, his boots skidding across the floor as I take a moment to gain back my breath. “I’d say it feels like your emotions are getting the best of you, if you ask me.” I chide in, feeling my cheeks and forehead pinch with a reddened rash, blowing out my cheeks as I had grown overwhelmed within the heat of the fight, as well as the heat that emanated off of him.

“I didn’t ask you.” He bites back, letting his saber guide him as he throws himself outward for me. I yell out as he has grown too close again, blocking his attacks as I do not wish to fight along with him, unable to give in to whatever game he wanted to play. 

Quickly he darts further forward—instead of backing off to throw another blow, he doesn’t retreat, pushing his saber against my staff, forcibly scooting me backward with the sheer power he drove into me. I shoot him a wild look as my eyes dart between my grip on my staff and his helmet. The crossguard of his saber has come dangerously close to my bicep, the glow heating up the fabric of my shirt. I grit my teeth, thrusting back against him. 

“You’re masking your fear with indifference!” I nearly scream over the shared drone of our weapons, distracting as it was loud. Small sparks fly off the weapons and fizzle out around us. “You’re trying to hide it—from me, of all people!” I directed my words past our weapons, letting out something of a laugh as I yelled my revelation. 

“I see it, now! The comedy of this!”

He doesn’t let me bask in my newfound feelings too long, before he drives into me with some sort of new dedication, pushing me down and knocking me flat onto my ass, his saber continuing upward through the air.

“Such a thorn in my side, you’ve become.” He hissed through his helmet just as I hit the ground and hastily flung my staff before my body, blocking his attack from above. I press my lips together to muffle my laughter, scrambling at his feet as a lump forms in my throat, sending a hand out and shoving him across the floor to give me time to stand. 

I make it to my knees before he charges at me once more, my weapon meeting his before I had the chance to stand, struggling to steady my balance. His foot stomps outward, his large leather boot trapping the material of my pants beneath, pinning my leg to the floor. I grunt as he pushes his saber against my staff, his body beginning to hunch over as he thrusts against my weapon more and more. He brings his opposite foot in closer to direct more of his power, now towering over me completely, his helmet lowering as the heat of the saber grows closer to my skin.

Losing my grin, I steel my jaw, furrowing my brow as I groan against him, pushing back with what I could. Having become tired against him, the subtle shake in my biceps seemed to give me away. The currents from our weapons continuously clash together, small sparks now flying onto us both and dying out. I cannot help but notice how close my face has come to the vicinity of his groin, only our weapons standing in my way.

My lip fumbles as my struggle becomes too noticeable, shoving down the arousal that had kickstarted from the moment he dragged me into the room, the way he had gripped me, the carelessness he exuded once he had flung me about. I actively ignore how his helmet seemed to cock to the side as he took me in, feeling the same emotions I had been so sickly struck down with.

“Hmm,  _ do  _ laugh for me, sweetheart. Don’t quit now.”

I suck in a quick breath of air through grit teeth, without letting his words affect me  _ too  _ much, I slide my free leg out from the side and kick against his ankle, simultaneously shoving upward against him. The angle he held himself at had not worked in his favor, as his body came tumbling downward, his boot releasing the material of my pants and giving me enough time to slide out from beneath him.

I stand to my feet, smashing my staff against his saber to continue sending him further down to the ground. He lands on his hands and knees, turning around and pointing his saber at me. My tempo slows as I retreat from him, pointing my weapon and adding to the space between us. I hear his heavy breaths emitting from his helmet as he scans me over, unsure whether to attack once more, or to sit within the arousal he had been feeling, as well.

“I’ve had enough.” I implored from a distance, making myself clear, my chest rising and falling with much guilt, having wasted time. I power my staff off, motioning it across the room. It glides past him, returning it back from where it came. I only see the shake of his head as he gathers to his feet.

“The  _ master  _ commences and concludes training. Not the student.” He states, his words laced with a hidden intent—one a bit more provocative than I could handle. Something within my lower abdomen flutters, warming my skin more than I knew was humanly possible. I feel him enjoy my abashment, picking up on the blush of my cheeks, differentiating them from the redness of my face from training. 

I only glower at him, as he was not the only one who had been overcome by their own emotions. My chest pulled with the want to stalk over to him, ripping off his helmet and meshing my mouth against his.

“Come over here, then.” He suggests, motioning me with a single finger and shrugging his shoulders. I deflate at the sound of his voice through the vocoder, rich and throaty,  _ wanting  _ something out of this exchange, be it a fight or foreplay.

“Master of deflecting.” I mutter under my breath, shaking my head as if I were scolding a truant student. A student that happened to become  _ wildly  _ inappropriate during a training session, at some point. 

I knew those actions—what I  _ wanted  _ to do with him—would do me no good here. We would only stray further from what mattered most to me.

“Since when were you hard to get?” He mentions, just before my boots began skidding across the floor beneath me. Quickly, I reached out, halting my body before I had come too close to him. I bite back the urge to gasp as I settle, pacing backward, having half a mind to advance forward to knock some sense into him.

He takes one step forward, signalling me to fan out my fingers before me, freezing his motions all together. I hear him chuckle across the room as I’ve halted him in place, certainly amused. “You need to move on from this.” He states clearly, like he wasn't agitated with me, as I knew for  _ certain  _ he was playing it off to fool me. I give him an odd look as I nod, grimacing as I sense his agitation spark upward for a split second, before he shoves it away to correct himself.

“There are more important matters I have in mind, that could occupy our time.”

I nod some more, the upturn of my brow maliciously theatrical, not even trying to fake it. “I’m doubtful.” I tell him sweetly, instantly gifted a further incline of his tension. He flexes against my hold the slightest bit, but I keep my hand extended, fingers gripped tightly. “It is vital for your success as my student, I really should show you.” He quips, playing onward, his voice hinting toward his disinterest of being held back. Alluring,  _ tempting  _ me to drop all of this. Hinting toward the possibility of something  _ exciting  _ that could come, by releasing him.

For a second time, he flexes against the force that held him still. I feel it as the force presses against my palm, but I remain focused as I center it securely around him. I do not trust that he has anything  _ vital  _ to show me, at least, not regarding the ways of the force. More importantly, I do not trust myself not to leap straight into his arms the moment he came close enough—I wouldn’t give myself the chance to.

“Thanks, but I’ll keep you right here.” I mimicked the same cadence of his voice, temptingly letting him how it was going to go. I have to stamp down how inviting he sounds, how badly I wish to give into him. “We have much to discuss, anyway.”

  
  


He startles me as he bashes against my hold, more powerful than before, his arms extending outward for a moment's notice before I strengthen my hold over him. I hear him growl, low vibrations traveling through the slits of his mask, barely recognizable as human. My fingers twitch as I grow more sure in my ways, tapping further into my own strengths, having not always shown my hand.

“You’re stronger than you lead on.” He comments, even toned, about ready to spike at a moment's notice, losing the cool-headed facade he kept up with. His mind is already swirling with mentionings of how proud he was of me, as my master, having helped me become someone with such power. He wanted to  _ show  _ me how proud in me he was… I would have blushed deeper, had I not been so set on the conversation.

“That is _ exactly  _ my means of conversation.” I nod, giving him a little smile. It falters as he listens in, my thoughts travelling. I didn’t much care for this game anymore; this  _ needed  _ to be discussed. “I have a bad feeling about this, and I can’t shake it—frankly, I’m far too concerned about what  _ Skywalker  _ has forewarned. I care about  _ us  _ too much to brush it off.”

He gives it a few moments, the subtle tilt of his helmet telling me he surveyed my body with care, up and down the length of me before supplying his answer, “It’ll pass.”

I grow frustrated, my free hand balling at my side. I wish to tread lightly, no longer. “There is something more for us out there, beyond the Order. It doesn’t have to be the light side or the dark… but, in order for us to even  _ attain  _ a future together as two separate beings, we would have to step into the light.”

He is too quick for my liking with his reply, “You’ve mapped this out, I see.”

My lips curl inward as I scowl at him. “Please, take this seriously. I’m begging you, Ren.” I feel him testing his strength against my hold on him, saving what he had for the right moment, it seemed. Letting it swirl and build within him. He considers my words as he does so. “You’ve sought counsel from a  _ Skywalker _ . There is nothing worth taking seriously, you’re wasting  _ our  _ time discussing it any further.”

Spoken as if he didn’t have Skywalker blood coursing through him.

His words cut deep, striking me down and only solidifying the lump in my throat, realizing this was going to be more difficult than I had predicted. He didn’t understand that  _ we  _ wouldn’t have any shared time left, if we didn’t act now. If we didn’t formulate some kind of plan—a miraculous turn into the light in order to save our lives. We didn’t have to remain there, we didn’t have to choose a side at all.  _ But _ , we couldn’t stay here, in the dark. My heart thrums in my chest as I struggle to keep my cool, when knocking  _ all  _ of the sense into him seemed like a fair solution.

“This isn’t a waste of time if I’m doing what’s right for  _ us. _ I care for you… I don’t want us to end up like he has predicted.” I falter slightly—maybe becoming personal was a way for him to see how badly this daunted me. It was as simple as that: if we failed to heed his uncle’s warning, one of us, or  _ both  _ of us would die.

“And I care for  _ you _ .” He begins, his weight against my hold over him dissipates, no longer putting up a fight with me. He feels softer now, more airy and sympathetic toward my strife, although he does not care to discuss it. “I care enough not to let you obsess over the imaginary—not to observe your worry about  _ impossible  _ matters.”

“Did you not listen to a  _ word  _ he had said to us?” I lamented, raising my voice, my body beginning to shake at the thought of it. “Imaginary? What part of this seems imaginary to you? The part where I have grown stronger alongside you?” I ask, my lips quivering more with each word. I search him, raising my brow, waiting for an answer that does not come. 

“How about the part where your emotions influence mine? Or the part where your demeanor has adapted to only soften for  _ me _ ?”

“I’ve heard love does that to a person.”

My mind slows, thoughts coming to a halt as I stare back at him. It was hard to tell whether my heart had grown smaller in size, or if it had swelled bigger as I stood idly by, the wave of amazement settling into me. Feeling as leadened as a corpse, my eyes become glossy as I peer off to the right and stray from his gaze, finding it tremendously hard to come to terms with his comment. 

Of all the times for him to shine light on something we both could  _ feel _ , but had not yet vocalized to one another, he had chosen one of the most inopportune moments to do so, a time I truly wasn’t prepared.

There is a long silence between us, my arm extended before me growing tired of holding him in place, despite my best intentions. I had been taken back by his words… I think  _ he  _ may have been surprised he had even said them himself.

My eyes fall to the floor, settling there as I cannot lift them back up. “Why don’t you believe me?” My words hushed and slow, wishing to mention more of the words I cannot find. Promptly feeling how his emotions split down the middle at my words, how his chest was pulled at with grief. 

“This isn’t a matter of  _ believing  _ you…” 

He drags out his gentle words, feelings of reprieve and regret panging against him, but quickly dwindling to make room for something else, becoming set within his ways some more, justified and sure. “You’ve found humility in the man, yet, you know nothing of him.” He surmised. I feel his energy rising beside my own, adding on, “You do not know him like I do.”

“He saved your life!” I counter, staring at him in disbelief. “I do not need to know him on a personal level to understand he is telling the truth! His demeanor throughout the force was solid… I do not doubt his intentions for a second.”

His energy now dwarfs my own as he stands silently—I hold a great amount of confusion, fear, as well as animosity toward the lofty blockade of a discussion that stood in our way, a blockade that Kylo did not completely acknowledge, only wishing for me not to become so wrapped up in it all. 

His energy also reads of confusion, but still, paling in comparison to the conflict that divided him, nearly in half. It was so obvious to me now. He knew what his uncle had mentioned was true… but he was choosing to ignore it, as giving it thought dithered him too viciously.

I lose my heated stare, my brow and jaw softening as the subtle ache subsides. I ease myself down for him—I always seemed to be doing so—feeling guilty, feeling empathetic of his situation, letting my eyes plead with him from across the room.

“He could  _ help  _ us. I fear we will fall astray if we do not take his offer.”

His annoyance seeps through his helmet, hitting me in waves. “We will be doing no such thing.”

My lip juts out as I release a throaty breath of frustration, overlooking his deafening defiance, one of the things that made  _ caring  _ for such a man so difficult. My eyes drift from him, losing the fight, searching for anything else of importance to combat his speedy rebuttals. The hopeless feeling began to eat away at me—was this how it went, with someone I care for? Was I meant to feel so senselessly knocked down, sputtering for a reply I only knew wouldn’t suffice?

“You did not spend your most vulnerable years with the man, training under him.”

I roll my eyes, growing irritated with his responses, always so deflective, shooting mine down only for his to topple over the broken pieces that lay scattered. “ _ Enlighten  _ me on the experience, then. Catch me up to speed with your broken childhood.”

His helmet slopes to the side, the chrome twinkling in the light as he takes me in. I curl my fingers out before me even tighter, for good measure, sensing the force wafting his own amusement all around me, as if he liked to watch me grow cross with him. I become lost in it, myself, amongst my vexation, indulging in how good he made me feel, despite the end goal I had pictured.

The sharp hiss of his helmet dies throughout the room, his fingers granted enough leeway to twitch at his side, motioning it to be thrown off his shoulders. It tumbles to the ground, the sound causing me to jump in my boots. 

I scoff at the sight of him, observing how  _ engaged  _ he was in our discourse, pleasured by feeling my confusion amongst the force as I had sent it out to him. It doesn’t take long for me to look at him before the picture is burned into my memory—his rosy cheeks, hot from arguing. Disheveled, glossy hair that covered his dark, narrowed eyes. Those rounded, blushed lips that  _ sat  _ there, pursed, doing nothing but letting words pass through. 

I cannot stand how hard it is to tear my sights off of him, drilling my gaze into the wall to my side, so intensely, I muse toward why I had yet to have burned holes clear through the panels of metal. Beside his amusement, he does feel for me, feeling sorry for everything that had pent up within me regarding this.

My shoulders slouch from their stiffened state as Kylo’s embrace greets my mind, friendly, inviting himself in with the warmest consideration. He sends to me his strife toward his uncle; it remains in bits and pieces, having been broken up to deal with easier—in reality, it has only made it more difficult for him to sort through, to deal with and understand, leaving but a mess within his mind. It is colossal to work through, it’s only made him more confused over the years. He had seen Skywalker as the man who had stolen away his childhood, his innocence, when he only ever wanted to be with his parents… wanting them to  _ want  _ to be with him, in return. 

Kylo had vilified his uncle, while turning the man,  _ Snoke, _ that had inducted him from a young age into the Order, into his own cosmic savior. I had never pieced together on my own—now these matters seemed clearer to me. 

“Luke’s intentions are  _ genuine _ .” I start in, my eyes wavering back over to him, unable to see the Supreme Leader the way he did, at least not anymore, not after Luke. I sigh at his beauty, effortless, staring back at me like he had no idea what it did to me. “I do not ask for us to  _ join  _ your uncle. But continuing this? Serving under—”

“Snoke gave me the chance Skywalker never did.” He corrected me, before I had properly finished speaking. “The Jedi was ashamed of me— _ Snoke  _ only wanted to see me succeed, to see me grow within the force.”

My hand shakes before me as Kylo pipes up, quick to defend his own master. It amazed me, how he saw fit to someday overcome the Supreme Leader, stepping into the position himself. The way he sent his vision out to me—Snoke had dug his nails into a young Ren. He whispered to him when Luke gave up on him, when he turned his back, when his confidence began to waver. Snoke had never given up on him, had never turned his back. 

He was quick to defend his master, mentionings of admiration stored away for him throughout his mind in dazzling patterns all scattered about. From his view, he owed Snoke  _ everything _ . Appreciative of his guidance—he would someday put an end to Snoke, in order to rise to power. Of course, this came after completing his training, after  _ killing  _ both of his parents, as well as Luke Skywalker and the memories that stemmed from all of them.

This was news to me, far more agonizing than I had understood. I doubted he showed me everything, standing within all of  _ this  _ was enough to render me speechless. He had accomplished killing his father—but his mother?  _ Plotting  _ to kill her as well? I failed to see whatever good he believed would come from that.

Kylo peers at me, sensing my overload, my struggle to keep up with his reasoning—he had been enveloped within the force for longer than I had, maybe there was more to this than I understood.

And yet, I didn’t need to understand anything more. I feel ill, I feel almost faint as I picture him going through with what he envisions. I sense it isn’t easy for him to think about it, and it is no easier to watch me bite my tongue and shudder as I sift through his intentions.

Was there ever a time where he wasn’t influenced,  _ puppeted,  _ by someone else? He gave all his praise to his master, no matter what. He was clouded, manipulated further than I could comprehend.

Oh, how familiar that sounded to me.

“Your uncle wanted to see you succeed—I can see that myself, why must you deflect this?” I scowl in his direction, disappointed in all he had shown me, managing to scare me just about as much as his uncle had. Disappointed he held the Supreme Leader so highly in his life. Disappointed he would let me in on his plan to kill his mother,  _ assuming  _ I would somehow understand his reasoning.

Kylo tenses against my hold, my fingers nearly bent backward by his sudden strength. I brace my body as he sends an onrush of energy against the force that bound him, by my own hand.

I watch as his brow meshes together, eyes narrowing down onto me, almost in some kind of panic. I brace myself, repositioning my boots as he storms against my clutches surrounding him for a second time. His energy is charged, exasperated and strong as he stands within his own emotions that only circled around him.

He cannot get out, and he cannot  _ stand  _ it.

He slows, honing in on the ability he possesses. My hands grow clammy, but I do not _dare_ lessen my hold on him as he only grows and expands within his anger. Pressing those pillowy lips together to form a tight line, his eyes widen and dart _through_ me, chin tucking toward his chest as he tries his hand at this again. I feel it circle deep within himself, building and stacking upon each other until it has settled within every last inch of him, filling in every nook and cranny. He drives his energy to berate my hold—it batters my stance, causing me to stumble the slightest bit, but ultimately, I hold him secure, right where I want him.

With his face beating bright red, eyes blackened, lips glossy and swollen as they tremble, pulsing his intent toward me in an onslaught of violent waves, he utters, “Let me  _ out,  _ Commandant.”

A bead of sweat dribbles down my temple as I chuckle with rounded eyes, dumbfounded, and a bit power-crazed as I stare back at his frozen stature, just  _ barely  _ quivering from the anger that cycled through him. “No longer fond of  _ sweetheart? _ ” Genuinely curious, I ask as I notice his expression fumble as much as it can under my hold. His mouth twitched with a rising resentment, holding together the last few shreds of sanity within him. Watching him practically seethe, “You still serve  _ me. _ ”

My brow raises and I give him a taut nod, wiggling my fingers, easing up on my hold  _ ever  _ so slightly. I watch as he goes into a frenzy, testing against my hold just as I reestablish it around him, edging him on. I hear him release one long and hefty breath, sounding out his sweet groan within it, enough to rouse me up internally. Cannot say it  _ didn’t  _ amuse me, watching him like this.  _ Feeling  _ and testing out my power.

“Oh, how lucky I am.” I tease, reminded of our placements within the Order. I shifted my weight to my opposite foot, his eyes shamefully darting to my hip that curved outward to the side. I exhale, spiritlessly, centering this metric ton of energy on someone so powerful, for this long, beginning to weigh its effects down onto me. I only stall for a few moments more, taking in the fact that I had one of the most powerful men in existence, whom I cared for, beneath  _ my  _ hold.

“Do  _ you  _ prefer Commander, or Master?”

I seemed to have given him an in as let a chuckle travel from my chest to shimmy through my body, his arms tensing at his sides and flying outward, pushing with all his might against my hold. He has me hurtling backward before I can properly counteract him, my backside colliding directly into the padded wall. Stealing away my breath, as well as all comedy for the situation.

My head snaps upward upon impact, my body molding into the pads before springing off and sliding down. My limp ankles flounder as they are unprepared to catch my fall, my knees buckling under my weight. I only watch him disregard his helmet out of his way, sideswiping it across the room to enable a clear path between us.

A steady flow of blood runs from my nose and down my chin, I blink slowly as I center myself, my mind swimming as I observe how the droplets hit the floor and splatter about. The thuds of his boots only grow louder, echoing in my mind as I slide myself off of the wall, attempting to stand tall, unable to hide the smirk etched onto my lips as I wipe the blood from them.

With a swift hand he has enclosed stern fingers around the underside of my jaw, shoving me back once more against the padded wall, halting my advancement toward him. “You seem to have forgotten your place.” He asserted, his gloved thumb pinching my chin to turn my gaze upward, meeting his own. To no fault can I help but grin, feeling the anger rolling off of him, while his arousal  _ still  _ met my own. 

“Beneath you?” I ask breathlessly, marveling at the twitch of his eye, the way his lips remain parted and glistening, how his chest heaved with each breath, raising those broad shoulders that towered over me. He stepped into me, his chest hitting mine as I stood in his shadow, completely eclipsed by him, our boots clinking together below.

He gives me but a simple nod as his eyes never stray from mine, leaning his face down closer, his body language and audible intent  _ enraged _ , while the thoughts displayed on his mind said otherwise. 

“ _ Always. _ ”

The erratic and flighty movements of our chests match with one another, pressing my lips into a line as I know  _ he  _ knows I’m too far engrossed—and he’s no further gone than I am. 

His head careens downward just as soon as I stand on the tips of my boots, sliding up the wall for our mouths to meet with great eagerness and determination. I groan against his lips, his hand still secured to my jaw, keeping my body pinned against the wall as he presses further into me. Our shared kisses are frenzied, our energy matching and meshing well with one another. My hands find the sides of his face, pulling him down closer to me as his free arm loops around the curve of my back.

I do not stop myself from tasting every last bit of him, my tongue pressing against his lips and laving them up, moving past them as his tongue meets my own. He breathes hard against me, wishing this didn’t have to end, knowing I would still yearn for the same discussion whenever our lips parted. 

A lump forms in my throat at the thought of not being able to ever do this again, with him. My thoughts muse toward my strengths, what I was capable of—how, in some circumstances, I was able to  _ overcome  _ him.

I press my eyes shut tighter, keeping up with his mouth on mine, focusing on how good he  _ always  _ felt, time and time again.

“We were so _good,_ ” He groans against my lips, slipping his tongue out of my mouth just long enough to finish, “for so _long._ ” Frustrated, he deepens the kiss, our noses brushing closer together, both of us clearly wanting more from this already all-encompassing embrace. I simply moan against him in agreement, kissing him deeper, grabbing handfuls of his hair as my hands have traveled freely from the sides of his face. 

I am able to taste the faint tang of my blood on his tongue, hardly noticeable as he has willingly smeared most of it across my face as well as his own. It reminds me of my own self exertion, holding him back from me, attempting to avoid an outcome such as the one we were currently tangled up in. It pulls me back to my preferred way of thinking, setting me down to touch upon each thought as they flit by.

“No— _ no. _ ” He grumbles low, smushing his lips against mine, faster, messier, dipping his hips against down into my own. He presses my shoulder blades into the padded wall, keeping me where he wanted me. I frown, knowing he had picked up on the anchor I used to keep myself from sinking deeper within our shared passion. I groan back as I halfheartedly keep up with the pace he had set. 

As he drives and drags his pelvis against mine, my fingernails drag across his scalp, looping my fingers through his strands of hair settled upon his shoulders. I tug against him, but he pushes against my grip in order to keep his mouth on mine. Admittingly, he is only  _ further  _ intrigued as I pull on his hair. 

“ _ I can’t. _ ” I piped out between kisses, untangling my fingers from his messied hair and shoving him away. I avert my eyes away as I step out to the side, in need of filling my lungs with air that hadn’t been shared between us, hadn’t already been through his lungs and recycled into my own. My fingers knead over my eyes as I pressed them shut, far off schedule. It isn’t long before my hand at my side is grasped and tugged on, urging me to stay put.

I see his scarlet stained face is downcasted, eyes practically pleading as his worry lines across his forehead stand out. He stays silent, only holding me in place to give me a moment to better read him, which I do: finding that he had assumed the worst. 

I lament for him, for how boyish he could be, at times. How, beyond that hardened exterior, he was a _ young _ man that was forced into growing up too quickly. Deep down, he was still a young man—he acted out as if a young man would, his emotions mirrored that clearly. The lines he thought along were so closely aligned to a young  _ boy _ , always keeping a trained eye on what he cared for most, dropping any act when he had feared he may have lost it.

I slow, motioning my wrist from his grasp, so I could lace his fingers amongst my own. My heart crumpled at the sight of him, how easily it was for  _ me  _ to influence him, as I thought his master was the main conductor who pulled the strings.

I find his mind is open for me as I step closer to him, his grip on me practically reeling me in. Grabbing his hand within both of mine, I peer into him: Hazy memories of his parent’s many altercations, he has broadcasted for me to see; mainly focusing on their words as well as the emotion behind them, slighting him from a very young age. Nothing ever good followed these arguments, his emotions like a thin film that had been casted over each memory, giving me the same grief he had felt, walking me down the same path he had once roamed. 

His parents were often caught at each other’s necks; one or the other storming out of the room, rushing away from their home, fleeing  _ off  _ the face of the planet, when matters became bad enough. All to make some kind of point to the other, in the heat of the argument, in bouts of anger. Simultaneously roping him in, without understanding how often they had done so. Without realizing how  _ much  _ of their own transgressions he had felt secondhand, taking a piece from him each time.

From a young age, he was always used to some kind of repercussions following these arguments, but being sent off to his uncle’s for guidance was the worst he had faced. Not that he had to be at his uncle’s in the first place, who hadn’t done anything to him other than take him in, but because he only wished to be with his parents, who, ultimately, never ended up coming back for him. His whole life rearranged as the end result of some kind of argument between his parents—one of them feeling strongly about sending him away, the other unsure if that was the best idea, and yet, not doing much to change the outcome. 

Only now, he put up his own kind of efforts to intrigue me enough to stray from the topic of his uncle… so  _ ultimately _ , this wouldn’t end in a fight, with no following repercussions between us. And now that it had, he was ready to try just about anything to get me to stay, to keep me from storming off, charging away.  _ Leaving _ him.

“I’m not leaving you.” I tell him softly, as I now understand his fear, instantly granted with a sturdy wave of his relief. His scattered thoughts feared this was the end-all fight between us—the first  _ proper  _ fight we had shared during the time we had become this close. 

He hadn’t ever barred this part of himself to me, this was a new layer I had never known existed. I knew he kept a good amount away, hiding it behind matters he was content with seeing, or the ones he could afford to let go off if I happened to slip a bit further. This explained more to me, helping understand him better. Making sense of his temperament, the way he formed and viewed his relationships, why speaking of his estranged  _ uncle  _ was difficult for him. 

Now I only stare up at him, his big, brown eyes soft, but still, travelling across my face to read what I had picked up on the  _ moment  _ I had grasped it. 

“We cannot go on like this.” I tell him, headstrong and remaining serene. My tensed shoulders ease up as I see him nod softly in agreement, small locks of hair, curled with sweat, framing his face and swaying about. His lips purse as he has already begun to delve into my mind, surveying the thoughts I had prepared.

“This is hard for you, I can see that,” I begin, his opposite hand now engulfing both of mine, that held onto his other hand. The room feels less stagnant and clouded, now settled, leaving but the force whisping around us as I soften my features, trying to make my intent as clear as possible. “but to me, this seems too serious—too troubling to write off as  _ imaginary.  _ I cannot see this in the same way you do.”

I feel his grip around my hands tighten as he repositions hit footing, eyes flickering away from mine for a moment before returning, as I lean in closer, tilting my head upward. He’s not ready to speak yet.

“I don’t believe either of us care for a future without the other—it seems that isn’t possible now, anyway. Even if we tried it.”

He still holds this impassive, hardly tolerant expression, as if bringing this up was like separating skin from bone: rendering him antsy, and a bit panicked. His mind swims with thoughts, yet, he remains quiet. I’m unsure if I even have the guts to mention what I truly wish to him, as it stirs deep within my mind, untouched, unnoticed by him.  _ Who  _ I was talking to was the real kicker—there were numerous reasons he could turn me in, the list went on and on. But this toppled them all.

“You don’t have to do anything—I will. I’ll be the one to set it up…  _ something  _ up.”

He frowns, those darkened eyes shielded as his browline seems to bury them. I darted my tongue over my lips, selecting my words carefully, attempting to maintain a strong voice, despite how delicately it sputtered and rattled at the thought of it all.

“We could  _ break off,  _ on a good note, preferably.” I tell him, his worry lines only deepening as his frown lowered, having sunk further into my mind, making better sense of the idea. It was difficult to explain aloud, as it all came to me so quickly, without knowing every detail, while speaking low enough that even the most trained ears couldn’t catch wind of this blooming idea.

I shake my head, squeezing his hand, sensing all that unease, all that confusion only growing. “It’s achievable—seamless, even, as long as it’s done right. I have a few colleagues I’m sure are loyal enough to help us, ones that could follow along in pursuit.”

His stare increases in his disorientation, clearly overtaken by the ever-flowing thoughts that I let streamline from my mind. His lips seem to jerk at one side, a sign I was losing him.

“I won’t fill you in on everything, I can come to you when everything is set in place. That way, if I take the fall for disloyalty—”

“This isn’t happening.” He interrupted, looking far off into the distance above my head, surely at nothing of importance. I smoothen my hands over his, aiming to quell that budding outrage. “I’ve already said too much.” I gnaw at my lip, straightening out to appear taller, for his eyes to find mine once more. “This is for me to take care of, you don’t—”

“I’m saying,  _ I’m  _ not letting this happen.” 

I slow, nearly mute with surprise as I only stared back at him in disbelief. I stammer out a few words, ultimately lost. His patience was worn too thin, so obviously shown by the slightest roll of his eyes. “ _ Gods _ .” He exhales, malcontent, dropping my hands from his. His eyes break away from my own to scan the room, perplexed, like he couldn’t stand the sight of me, or the very makings of my idea. 

“You’ve always worried about matters that don’t concern you.” He mentions more to himself than to me. He quips his head to the side, catches the look on my face, and cuts in before I could pull together a response. 

“This isn’t  _ your  _ fight. Stop trying to find a way out of it, when you aren’t the one  _ in it. _ ”

He chooses to stalk off to the side. Abruptly, he turns his body toward me, eyes eager for a split second, casting a hand to point his index finger in my direction. “I’m not leaving you.” He affirms, resuming his stalking along the outside of the tape lining the floor, for a single fighting ring. I rub my lips together as I prepare to speak up, watching as he combs a hand through his hair, his opposite hand balling into a fist. 

“I want to find a way out for  _ us,  _ I don’t wish to stand in the way of your familial transgressions.” I tell him, testing out the sound of it for myself. Attempting to become more used to it, living with the idea of it. I debate whether or not to add on more, as I can read him too clearly: He is far from capable of hearing me out, not when it had to do with reasoning about his uncle. Maybe this would take time—how much time did we have to spare?

It was lost on me, how painfully estranged he was from his uncle. I could sympathize with his trauma, I could delve into his mind to observe whatever he would show me, but I’d never be able to live through what he had. He had a right to be scared of it, of all of it—It was laborious, seeing that the same man he vilified was the man who also saved Kylo’s life. The same man that had healed my bout of neuralgia as soon as it had resurfaced, giving me more insight on it as well. 

Kylo’s body pivots quickly toward me as he surveys my mind, motions comparable to an enraged teenager, his pointed finger directing his way as well as his intent.

“All those children—the ones from Takodana? The girl from Ithor?  _ Even  _ your wayward students?  _ Not yours  _ to worry about.” He says so sternly, like he had intended it to hurt, I almost didn’t recognize him. He wasn’t even close to terrifying, like many knew him as, like many tales have told. He was someone else here. Someone that was no longer around, someone I never got to know. 

I could understand he was hurting, choosing to lash out with quick jabs. I could move past it, despite how the pain resonated and sunk into my skin either way I looked at it. I shook my head, crossing my arms and flitting my gaze about the room to calm my nerves. I didn’t have the response for such a comment like that.

“The child from Ithor—” He slows completely, huffing somberly as he recalls the time. “I  _ feel  _ what you have felt for her, that alone places you aside from most people around us.” He cants his head to the side, my eyes fixing back onto his as I sense him digging deeper. 

“I sensed you, harbouring sympathy within yourself for the entirety of the infant wing. As if they had met their demise.” He now shakes his head, as if he had no possible way of understanding  _ how  _ I could feel such things. Anything I could think of saying turns to ash on my tongue, before he adds on. “Those children are meant to be here, as are those we’ve brought in from Takodana.”

Resentment crosses my face as I step to the side, and out of the direct line of his deflection—so willing and able to speak on my troubles instead of his own, on any and everything that  _ didn’t  _ concern his uncle. “Am I incorrect?” He asks as I dig my nails into my palms, breathing in through my nose as I turn back to face him. I can only face him, my stare has grown deadened and tired as my effort to keep up with him has done the same, only able to sweep the conversation back to where I had intended it to be so many times.

His eyes flicker between mine, looking for something that wasn’t there. Waiting for a response as he sifts through me, as I let him. “There’s more to this. What you have goes deeper than simply feeling bad for the children we indoctrinate.”

The  _ ‘we’  _ he utters causes me to flinch, knowing I had never indoctrinated a single child on  _ my  _ own accord. It had all been through the Order,  _ for  _ the Order. “Look deeper, then.” I tell him, jaded, lolling my head to the side just before he steps up to me, squaring his shoulders with mine. He studies me, his mind having grown so loud—I ease my posture, becoming lazy as I already know the structure of his thinking patterns  _ too  _ well. 

“Have you lost fealty for our cause?”

I let in a steady inhale, turning my head further away from him, losing interest the further we migrated from the original topic: the topic that truly mattered most. Hardly holding enough attention to tag along whatever road he wanted to travel down. It wasn’t news to me that I had lost fealty, spoiled my own devotion to my cause in a matter of weeks, due to many factors: the kidnapping of children, blatant misogyny, imminent, inescapable danger around every corner, despite your title, entrapment within my own title, lack of metaphorical—as well as physical—foundation to build upon a life, or even a family. 

With my new findings from what Ren had shared with me, Snoke had risen to the top of my list, merely by the way he had fooled him from such a young age. Too much of our cause was centered from the absence of youth, or stolen innocence. No part of this sat right with me.

“Margot.” He speaks quietly, placing a hand beneath my chin to turn myself back toward him. He stills my thoughts as well as my body, making sure he had my full attention before he spoke. “It is alright if you have lost your way. You still have it in you,  _ devotion  _ toward something bigger than us both. We can create that,  _ together. _ ” He insists. I shrug from his touch, the apples of my cheeks heating up. He could plot out his own schemes regarding us both, but I could not?

“Do not even start on  _ losing the way. _ ” I warn him, my bottom lip twitching as it curls.

“ _ Listen  _ to me.” He begins, fashioning his widened grasp on the underside of my jaw. “ _ We  _ can do something different with the galaxy. You struggle with making a decision, I can commiserate for you on that— _ our _ empire could be devoid of making that decision.”

I jut my face out of his grasp, taking a few paces back while earning a look of anguish crossing his features with record speed. The sight makes me feel ill, worse than the idea he was drawing up from his imagination. One that included me.

“I don’t want us to have to  _ belong  _ anywhere, especially a new empire.” I correct, searching him up and down, watching how rigid he becomes within a few short moments. So rigid, my words bounced off of him as he had deflected them so readily.

“I only wish to venture  _ everywhere  _ with you.” I expressed to him, exhausted from the amount of heft I had to put into my words, in order for him to get the picture. “I want us to venture far beyond the ultimatum of choosing a side. Somewhere that allows us to slow down when  _ we  _ so choose.”

He looks upon me as my skin buzzes, completely overstimulated, but I add on. “We don’t have a shot at  _ anything  _ if we don’t do as your uncle has instructed.”

A beat.

“You can be the one who ends his life.” He declares with the nod of his head, like he was casting it into stone. I ward off the urge to roll my eyes back into my head. “That way, I’ll know for certain you have laid to rest these false notions of the light side.”

I simper, glumly, a sudden dread washing over me, a kind of chill that disorients me. “What notions of mine are false?”

He pauses to stare down upon me as he angles his head, straightening out and standing a bit taller as if to further justify his case. “That there lies a future for you and I—together, once we have crossed over to the light side of the force.” 

My sight glosses over with tears, softening up such a rigid man as he towered a few feet before me, ultimately striking me down speechless. He wasn’t interested in returning to the light, even if it was to save our lives—he didn’t believe in any of it at all. A life beyond ruling over others,  _ creating  _ some kind of order that he believed the galaxy needed. Believing  _ he  _ was the right candidate to choose the fate of the galaxy itself. 

My cheeks, the tip of my nose, and my chest burn hot with an emotion I am unable to decipher, as it ran too deep within me, burrowing down too far to be inspected. The feeling shakes me at my core, my body trembling lightly. All senses told me to leave the room, to flee and cry out my sorrow and frustration all by my lonesome, but for newly adopted reasons, I couldn’t bring myself to take a single step toward the door.

“I appreciate you’ve stayed this long.” He mentions softly from across the dead air between us. I open my mouth to chide back at him, only feeling the lump in my throat forming more solid. I bite my lip shut and sneer as I stare off to the side, unable to clear through my emotions to form a response, tears teetering on the edge of my waterline. He takes a step forward and I retreat, shaking my head, knowing I wouldn’t find what I was looking for, within this moment, in his embrace.

He had yet to truly understand the weight I had been placed under, toppling over my head. A weight he had been ignoring, while I had balanced the totality of it. He had dug deep, hitting me hard in order to understand where he was coming from, and how strongly he felt against my own argument. I blow out a breath, crossing my arms over my chest as I steady myself to speak, readying myself to reach his level.

“We could never start a family.” I tell him through a fluttering voice. I grow downcasted at the thought, causing his shoulders, as well as his expression to fall enough for me to notice. For a few moments, he feels completely empty amongst the force, so deeply jarred and at a loss of words. I continue on, feeling the same kind of heartbreak he did, but acting upon it to get him to understand my worry. 

“That would never happen, not within the Order… not within whatever future you think you’ll have with me.” I add. Our duties were too important, our roles within the Order too important to be set aside for a child, especially multiple. Especially beyond the Order, if he chose to  _ rule _ , how safe would that be? What he was dreaming of was unrealistic, seeming that in reality, either of us, or both of us, would be dead.

I see his hesitation, the way his lips quirk as he combs through his mind, already going in circles, thinking of ways to combat my worries. “ _ Someday. _ ” He hopes aloud, his expression lacking any liveliness. It was soft, holding no weight and almost sounding like a lie, like he had known it too, unable to hide his reaction. I shake my head. “No, we couldn’t. You know this… somewhere, you do.”

He sucks in a breath with more assurance, shoulders rising as his expression is set solid. “With the galaxy under  _ my  _ thumb, not Snoke’s. It could be achievable then.”

“If we make it that far.” I tell him simply.

Dismayed, he seems to cave inward, hurt by such an easy remark, as if he hadn’t given me plenty today. “Why do you so readily doubt me? You do not believe I would protect you from anything that stood in our way?”

I sigh. The point wasn’t that he wouldn’t protect me—I knew he would, although I didn’t need it, as I had taken care of myself for so long. It was painfully obvious we were becoming stronger, becoming more matched for one another, this fight proving it further. 

“Could you save me from yourself?” I counter, observing how dumbstruck he had fallen as he came to terms with what I was insinuating. The room grows silent, almost deafening as he doesn’t move a muscle. I nod. “I haven’t the faintest clue who would win in that situation, taking in all that power.” I tell him in all honesty, pressing my lips together. I picture it, although it stings to do so. His face twists into a pained expression, just as I feel his insides do the same, after picturing the two of us battling to the death.

“Margot…” He begins, trailing off as he is consumed by the thought. I only nod some more, confirming his fears. “I’ve killed those who stood in my way, simply because they were an obstruction.” Something of a laugh or a sob escapes past my lips, but I push past it. “You’ve killed for far less—I assume we’d have no problem, finally duking it out over a conversation  _ less  _ heated than this.” I think aloud, smoothing out the fabric of my shirt as my gaze touches down on the weapons lining the walls—too painful to look him in the eye.

“Please, Margot.” He pleaded with me, his voice harrowing as I was scaring him, causing my tears to finally spill, staining hot down my cheeks. I flick my eyes to his, seeing how well I had badgered him into understanding my own fears. I swallow, letting out a shaky breath.

“You  _ ruling the galaxy _ as well—that would place a rather large target on your back. Those who have ruled before you, all met the same demise.” I correct him. He sits with it, lips fumbling as his forehead creases. A small glint forms in both eyes, twinkling ever so slightly as I have moved him so.

For a moment, I feel I have gone too far, taking in account his curved stature, his riddled mind and his grated expression. I approach him slowly, afraid I’d spook him. He remains in his place as my chest brushes against his, taking his face into both of my hands. He leans into me, longing for my affection, his lips so pursed and plump he was almost pouting. I gaze up at him with all of my intent.

“You have it in you to make the galaxy a better place, without having to  _ rule  _ over anyone. You do not have to prove anything to anyone. I will leave with you, I will help you put this life you were dragged into  _ behind  _ you, so we can start a new one,  _ together _ .” 

I rub my thumbs against his cheekbones as I can now see his eyes are filled with tears that have yet to spill over. We take a few moments to let the deep-seated energy of the conversation die down, after having grown a bit too morbid for our taste. The only visible change in him came as he blinked, otherwise, his face remained pensive, hounded, and as exhausted as I had become.

Finally, he moves. Delicately placing his hands on my wrists, his lengthy fingers wrapping around effortlessly and squeezing with care. He brings our arms down, enveloping both his hands around mine. His gaze breaks away, searching the room once more for something I am unsure of—possibly the words he needed but did not know of yet. Morosely, he gives off the softest of chuckles, stemming deep from within his chest, barely audible as I feel him pulse against me.

“I care for you so deeply… but, you instil me with such rage.” He puts so gently, his voice tranquil and airy as his eyes find their way back to me. I scrunch my face a bit, unsure of the meaning behind this. Instead of following up, he leans down, closing his eyes and placing a firm kiss on my forehead. His lips lingering against my skin as he slowly draws back, sensing that he wished for more than just that. 

He carefully lets go of my hands, motioning his helmet to secure it back over his head, and making his way out the door to exit the room. Not leaving behind another word.

My head is left spinning, wondering if we had made  _ any  _ progress, fearing if we had only worsened our position in whatever cruel game this was. I hardly dwell on it for long, before he reaches out through the force, adding on one last thing that quells my worry. He does this to remind me that he is not  _ leaving  _ me, as he had feared me doing so earlier, in the same manner he had experienced with his parents in his childhood. 

_ I will see you tomorrow, sweetheart. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Helllooooo people!!! :-) apologies for an update that took a bit longer than I had expected. It seems that with each update, life throws me a new curveball, or kicks my ass mercilessly. Idk about yall, but my mental health is TANKING. I'm 100% finding a therapist, soon soon. It's weird, I always get depressed over the holidays. Now, its creeping up alongside family issues and tag-teaming my ass.
> 
> Blah blah blah sorry.
> 
> Y'all like this chapter? I'm trying to get into the good stuff, laying more out, but do not fret, I have yet to lay out some gooooood shit. I'm sure there are some FIENDING for sex. I know I know (I am too) All I have to say to that is: good things come to those who wait :-)
> 
> SORRY I'm blabbering, I'm shut-in indoors all day doing hw or reading or knitting, honestly. These Author Notes are kinda therapeutic for me. Let me know your thoughts on the chapter, comments really help me out and give me that motivational push!  
> Thank you to those who are still reading, I really can't find the right words to express my appreciation... I'll keep looking tho, promise.  
> xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo <3 <3 <3 <3 see you in the next chapter! :D


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